Chapter Thirteen

Leaving the Forest

(Trigger Warning: This chapter covers things that can happen to people who have been violently... taken advantage of. The self-hate for liking such 'twisted' things after having them used against you and worry of how a partner will react to it. some people go through years of therapy to learn that it's okay to not hate yourself for these desires and if some people find this sort of thing triggering the please skip this chapter - it took me almost a decade to come to terms with it so I do know... please stay safe - all of you!)

We came out of the tent the next morning – I had made us both soak in a bath with salts in it this morning so we were the last ones out.

Alistair spoke as I put the tent away, "What language was that last night?"

"I have no clue… I've never heard it before, so I don't know how I understood it, let alone spoke it," I shrugged. He shook his head and would have responded if Zevran didn't call out, "So, Bellisima, care to explain the dark mark on your neck?"

The assassin seemed to appear from thin air beside me. he made no noise other than his question.

Thankfully, as an accidental 'ghost' type, I wasn't startled like Alistair. I could sneak up on someone without trying.

I gave a wicked smirk, "Of course, hun! You see, when two people get together and do the bedroom tang…" Alistair put a hand over my mouth before I could continue my 'birds and bees' speech. Both Zev and I had twinkling eyes as Alistair blushed.

I moved his hand and said, "I think I'm going to make breaded chicken sandwiches with bacon for breakfast. I'll make sure there is lettuce, tomato, pickles and avocado for those who want it, along with mayo, mustard, and ketchup." Of course I had to explain pickles – no one had thought of putting cucumbers in vinegar and leaving it to ferment in Thedas – avocado – didn't grow here – and the condiments, but I knew that most of them – if not all – would likely have fully loaded breakfast sandwiches.

It hadn't escaped Zevrans notice that I walked a little oddly.

I was right. Everyone other than me had all the fixings. I only had pickles, mayo and mustard. I was smiling at their faces. Even Sten looked like he enjoyed the food. I used to love lettuce and tomato and such… but that was before I developed an allergy to lettuce and tomato didn't taste right without it unless it was ketchup.

When we left, after being loaded up with rations for our trip curtesy of the Dalish, Zev began asking for details on my sex life again. I finally got fed up, "Zev… honey, you know I love you, but it doesn't matter how many times you rephrase the question; the answer will stay the same. I'm not leaving Alistair for you. Just because I know all the fun tips and tricks does not mean I want to personally show them to you. But I will make you a deal," I knew I had an evil glint in my eyes.

Alistair stiffened and had his arm around my waist. He had seemed to be more relaxed about Zev riling us up about sex, but this was now new territory. The only reason he didn't speak was probably because he was secure that I was his wife and Zev was too much like me for it to work out.

"Oh? Do tell, Bellisima. I am most curious what brings such a delightful look to your eyes," Zev was flirting. I snuggled deeper into Alistairs' arms – causing the warrior to relax a little bit and kiss me on the head.

"Talk to Alistair; get him to agree and I will concede and allow a threesome. I would love to cross a proper threesome off my bucket list – but the catch is that you only have until we leave Denerim for this deal to be in effect. If you can't get Alistair to say yes before then… then it won't happen. No ifs' ands' or buts'," I grinned.

"What's a bucket list?" Alistair asked, ignoring what else had been said. I guess knowing that it was his choice made him relax… which was fair, of course.

"A bucket list is a list of things someone wants to do before they die. I never got a threesome in my previous life because my boyfriend was uncomfortable with it. My husband was down for it, but I never found someone else willing to be with me in that situation…"

"So this is something you hope to accomplish in this second life of yours?" Zev asked. "Didn't I just say that? Granted, I won't do it if someone in the group doesn't want to, but it's a fantasy of mine. I have many fantasies," I said giving Alistair a smirk as he blushed.

Zev instantly rounded on Alistair, "So, Alistair…"

"Not happening," he said quickly, hoping to nip it in the bud.

"But, my friend – did you not hear her? It is something she wishes to do at least once."

"Leave me out of it, Zevran – I can always find a sexy woman to drag into bed with Alistair… I have no preference after all."

The whole group seemed to freeze. Leliana giggled, "You truly do not care if your mate is male or female?"

"I couldn't care less, sweetie – if Alistair one day decides he's female, it will seriously not bother me. All I'd have to do is swap what pronouns I'd be using – if I'm being honest, women are usually more fun in bed."

Alistair flushed bright red, "Didn't you once mention that you had a job… changing peoples' gender?"

"Almost – I had graduated and gotten my degree and finished my residency since I was considered a genius and graduated schooling early, but I never actually had the job since I got pregnant. I know that not something you would want done – you are completely male and will never change that. I do know someone I will meet in the future who might like to have that surgery though…"

Zevran looked amazed, "That is possible; to completely change someones' gender?"

I nodded, "Where I was from, yes – sometimes women are born in the body of a male or the other way around. I can turn a dick into a vagina or… the only catch is that the person will need to keep in contact with me for the hormonal supplements – so that the men can get their voice to match their new look or so women can grow their boobs – that kind of thing. It's not magic at all – it's medicine."

"Can this be… taught to others?"

I shook my head, "Not here – because your world isn't advanced enough. There are no sterile work environments, there is not basic concept of surgery – this world relies on magic too heavily to learn. My world had very little to no magic at all. My world was what this world was close to becoming – if the veil had been a complete success, there would be no magic at all. We still dreamt and imagined but we advanced very fast because we had no magic to rely on – not really. We were able to send people into space and learn why the sun comes in the day and goes at night. We learned why the sky is blue and how the rain falls or the wind blows. We learned how to save people from illnesses that magic can or can't cure. The humans of Earth had to learn because they couldn't rely on magic."

Sten nodded solemnly, "Magic is a curse."

"No – magic is a damn blessing. Using it in tandem with my knowledge, I could cure do miraculous things."

Leliana gasped, "A… you say it's a blessing? How exactly do you mean?"

I stopped and thought for a minute, "Magic exists in every corner of this world – it was here before any living being – elves were next, then Dwarves. This made sense – Elves were the epitome of Magic and Dwarves were the absence of it. Humans came thousands of years later – likely the same way humans on my world evolved – through monkeys."

Sten laughed, startling everyone, "Humans come from those idiot creatures?"

I stifled a smile, "Alistair, let me have a lock of your hair… wait no – Aedan, give me hair."

Alistair sniggered, "Why not Alistair?" Aedan grumbled.

I rolled my eyes, "Because Alistair is only half human – I need someone who is at least 80-90% human."

Aedan gave me the hair and I pulled out a microscope and Alexs' hair – just because. I nodded, "Now give me blood – no magic will be used in this process."

Morrigan looked intrigued as we all came to a stop for lunch. Aedan gave me blood – begrudgingly.

I did my testing and knew I was muttering to myself as I did. There were no biological or DNA differences from humans here and humans on earth; not a single one. I knew I had delayed our trip since it took me several hours to conduct my tests, but I was in the zone.

When I came up for air I said, "Humans are evolved from monkeys. If you have baboons and chimpanzees' here, those would be the closest relative. It took 5-8 million years for humans to get to this stage on Earth… but humans have only been here for just under 7,000 years so I think the ambient magic in the air back then must have sped up the process by a lot. Looking at Zevrans' blood, Elves shouldn't exist at all – I think they may have derived from Spirits taking solid form before the Veil was made. I know for a fact that Dwarves came from the Titans. I know Qunari come from the Kossith but I know next to nothing about the Kossith past that."

"… What are baboons?" Sten asked.

"Red-assed skinny little food-thieves that like to fling their shit at people."

Sten looked properly amused, "This is… we do have these baboons."

"Yeah – chimps and baboons share an astounding 99% of DNA with the human race. This is because they have a common ancestor, of course; they just took different evolutional paths. Humans gained intelligence, and the monkeys didn't. Think of it like… Mabari – they share their past as wolves. All dogs were wolves, but some evolved differently. Sometimes, it was the environment that changed them, sometimes it wasn't."

"So… Alistair is more of a monkey than a Dog."

"Morrigan – you are too," I pointed out. Alistair was all smiles before he asked, "Wait – I have a feeling this is related to what you called me the other day… what was it? Ah – you called me a Caveman, right?"

I flushed bright red and began an in-depth explanation on what I knew of the evolution of man. Once I finished I said, "So when you threatened to beat up Aedan because he made me upset… yeah… people back home use caveman as an insult to people who are being rude or ill-mannered. Mostly to women… and sometimes it used when men just use their fists to solve everything… but come to think of it, that's usually when a man is called Neanderthal – because it suggests that a person combines a deficiency in intelligence and a tendency to use brute force… like warriors."

Morrigan got this wide grin and said, "Well, Alistair – it appears you have a new name."

He snorted, "You didn't hear what she…" I tackled him, slapping a hand over his mouth, "Let her have this one – please."

He nodded and when I pulled away he just held me, "Okay."

"What… like that? No fight or witty comment?" Morrigan looked disappointed. Alistair shrugged, "She asked me not to – so I won't. Call me Neanderthal if you want, when it comes to Ara… well, I'd do pretty much anything for her."

I all but swooned and I could see Leli and Wynne looking like they were watching a sappy chick-flick. I smiled up at him, "Aww… that's adorable! Goddess, the men back home were never so sweet! Can I keep you?"

He smiled, "I thought we established that already – of course you can keep me. You won't get rid of me that easily."

I pulled him down for a kiss. He obliged and got even more into it when Morrigan made a disgusted remark.

I giggled and pulled away, "That was… I think I will keep you, at that."

"I do not understand – why do men and women tie themselves to one partner?" Sten asked. Everyone seemed to want to hear my answer so I said, "Honestly, I don't understand it either. Historically speaking, humanoids were designed to be more like the Qun in terms of relationships. I mean, I know why we evolved into monogamous beings, but I couldn't do that back home."

"Wait, wait – you plan to sleep around on Alistair?" Aedan asked in indignation. I shook my head, "Not… technically. So, polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved. This mark on our arms… it's the symbol that denotes polyamory back home and with how I feel about Cullen and Alistairs' lack of jealousy about him in particular… I'm thinking there's something bigger at play here that means he'll have to share."

"What about him?" Wynne asked with furrowed brows. I smiled, "I feel absolutely no jealousy at all… actually; I think the idea of him with another woman is kinda hot – I just want to watch."

Zevran began laughing like a madman, "So why did people evolve to be monogamous?"

"Offspring are born highly vulnerable, and are generally slow maturing. Bi-parental care is unusual among warm blooded animals. Primal instinct would have a man try to make as many children as possible – female source is sort of irrelevant since they were just meant to nurture the young. Well, if a female is invested in caring for one child already, the new males wouldn't have a chance to mate. In history, it was shown that males would kill the offspring of past mates so that the female would mate with them and produce a child. Eventually, men began domesticating and sticking around to protect their genetic investment."

"… You must be joking," Leliana said with horror in her voice.

"No – but that was thousands of years ago back on Earth. Kings and other nobles still kept the practice of multiple women – women actually were rather subjugated there. They were considered property of their male relatives then their husbands until only a few decades ago – not even a century yet of women being able to do anything. It's better now, but… it wasn't pretty. Have you ever heard the saying that it 'isn't rape if she's his wife'?"

Leliana threw up. Alistairs' grip on me tightened, "That is… just what kind of world did you live in?"

I blinked, "Did you not have those problems here?"

"Not even in the Imperium! Sure, there was slavery, but between man and wife? That is a sacred bond that…" Zevran even looked ill. I was surprised – wow… marriage was sacred after all.

"If a man were to force his wife, she'd have grounds for an annulment – those are rare, but not impossible. They're only given in extreme circumstances… rape would be one…" Aedan said.

I shrugged, "It's still pretty bad there though – most women who have been violated don't come forward – people keep victim-blaming. They say she shouldn't have been out at night or wearing provocative clothes – but what about the women like me who…" I shut my mouth.

The whole group was still. "The people like… does this have anything to do with your freedom tattoo?" Zevran asked.

I flinched, "I… let's talk about something else. I love the weather – the cold feels amazing to me. I was born in winter so…"

Alistair held me and buried his face in my shoulder, "Have I ever been to rough?"

I shook my head at his whisper and got mad, "No – if anything, you could stand to be a bit rougher. Don't start treating me like a damn doll just because you know that I've had a history. That goes for you too Zev – I like the friendly flirting because it reminds me of home. I like feeling pretty because you pay attention to me. I don't feel that way much and I like it. No matter what anyone in this world did or said, they could never be as bad as wat I went through – so I make myself clear? I did my time in therapy – I know it wasn't my fault. It only took me 7 years to realize that much too. I was lucky."

Alistair was sitting with a stunned look, "R-Rougher?"

"Look – people imprint on their first time; it's a way of life. Do I feel like a dirty, shameful slut for loving when I'm being choked during sex? Yes, I do – but damn it, that isn't my fault. I'm going to bed – if we continue this topic before I'm ready again, I will not be singing or cooking for the next month."

I stomped my way into my tent while my heart beat rapidly. I was ashamed of myself for going off like that and exposing one of my kinks. I bit my lip and tried not to cry – would they think less of me now? Would I lose the respect of my new-found family?

Would Alistair think less of me – knowing that I liked being choked during sex… something he had done by accident the night before… did he even realize?

I felt arms snake around me as cried. Alistair whispered soothing words, but I didn't hear any of it – I was in the midst of a panic attack.

It wasn't until the next morning – an hour before dawn – that I came to my senses. I must have fallen asleep after my panic attack; I'd never done that before.

Alistair jerked awake when I snuggled into him, "Love?"

I sighed, "I'm sorry…"

"No – you have nothing to be sorry for. We should be sorry for pushing you last night. You may already know this – but I used to get panic attacks like that."

I shot up and looked at him, "I'm tempted to kill Isolde for that."

"You won't though – that's not your style. If I could, I would kill whoever it was that attacked you."

I sighed, "I… perhaps I should tell you the story."

"You don't have to. I understand," he had sat up and held me – only then did I realize he must have changed me into his shirt and he was in only his pants.

I smiled, "I… I kind of want to though. I don't want there to be secrets between us."

"If you want, I'm willing to listen."

I took a deep breath, "I… I was young when it started. I was a sex slave for 15 years. I was… I was 5 when it started and 20 when it finally ended. Slavery isn't legal where I'm from but people find ways. I was… I was only free for 7 years. 1 in 3 women are raped – 1 in 33 men are raped. I had two younger sisters who depended on me to keep them safe. I had to protect them. I had a choice… I never left my family, but I was used a lot. It was just two men… one of them got caught twice but I never came forward about the second – he scared me more than the first; especially since the first was still allowed to come back after his jail sentences."

He looked sick, "And… this is why you… like being choked?"

"My first time was rough – violent and… I have an eidetic memory; I remember everything. Since I couldn't block it out and I was in that position so long, my psyche decided that it should turn pain into pleasure if I was to survive. So… now I'm a fucked up mess and shamefully like things that I shouldn't."

"Hey, that is not your fault. You adapted to survive – and if that's what you want… I can… I can try." He looked a little pained so I shook my head, "I don't want to do anything you don't want to, Alistair. Some of the things I've grown to like are fucked up."

He bit his lip, "Like what?"

"Do you really want to know? Do you really want to open that ca of worms?"

He hesitated but nodded and said, "I love you, Ara – and like you said, I don't want secrets between us."

"I… I like being tied down, choked and having a blade run along my skin. I like being ordered around and spanked and slapped… when you drug your nails down my back was a rush and holding me by the neck was…"

He was flushed – and aroused, surprisingly enough. I could feel his length twitch.

"You really… like those things?"

I nodded and refused to look at him. He said, "That can't be all or you wouldn't be this ashamed… you have no reason to hide it, love – I won't think less of you."

I cried a little and said, "I… I don't think I'm ready to say that one just yet, Alistair. That last one… will need to wait a while."

He nodded and kissed my temple, "If time is what you need then take all the time needed. I'm not going anywhere."

I sobbed in relief, "Thank you… thank you. It was… difficult on Alex too – knowing what I liked. Don't do anything that you feel forced into; I can handle just… regular sex."

He nodded and I knew he would think about it.

We got dressed and headed out. No one said a word when they all come out too.

I had cooked. Just when I couldn't stand the silence anymore, Zevran said, "So Alistair – about that threesome…"

I gave him a grateful look and Alistair growled out, "Not happening assassin."

"But perhaps you need… assistance in pleasing her?"

"I am perfectly capable of… that myself."

I smiled – he'd only turned red when he'd realized he was about to say something dirty.

"Are you? You would be surprised what I learned in the whorehouse – women love such unique things in Antiva… I'm sure I would be able to teach you how to properly choke her?"

I flushed to the roots of my hair. Alistair glared, "I have managed without your aid, crow."

Zevrans' eyes widened, "Has he?"

I nodded with a flush, "I… well he… I mean it was… he didn't realize he'd done it but…"

Alistair – realizing what he'd said – groaned and hung his head in his hands.

I smiled as Leliana said, "Oh, that sounds interesting – will you tell us?"

Sten spoke, "I much prefer to know more about the human relation to monkeys."

And just like that, I felt better. Therapy hadn't accomplished nearly as much in 7 years as these people did in an hour. They had accepted me – flaws and all – without batting an eye it felt.

Alistair noticed my relief early on and squeezed my shoulder in support.

I felt more than blessed to be around such wonderful people. Aedan hadn't said anything – but I could feel in his emotions that he wasn't disgusted by me.

When we walked though, he pulled me to walk with him, "Did they ever pay for what they did?"

I shrugged, "One was repeatedly jailed, but… no, not really."

I allowed him to talk about it only because he wasn't pushing and he wasn't directly talking about the event – just the aftermath.

"What made it stop…? Do you know?"

"I got married to my first husband – Alex was my second, actually. My first… funny story, he was gay. Apparently, he used me for a higher pay from the army. Since we never made the marriage official it was a bit easier to separate from him – still took me five years and I was with Alex for two years before it was granted. The ass moved to a different country so he was impossible to find when it came time for the divorce. I was furious. Levi had just been born and I was worried that the ass would try to take my son – as the legal husband, he would have been assumed to be the father despite who was on the birth certificate. After almost a year of trying to find him – even with help from the government – we failed and they just granted the annulment. It was such a long process and had me so stressed that I had nightmares for the whole damn year."

Alistair snorted, "What was that blokes' name?"

"Garrett Jacobson. He was actually an inch shorter than me and looked so… delicate; in a cute kind of way. That boy could run – I almost swore I saw fire tracks every time did."

"… You're telling me the looks didn't clue you in?" Aedan asked drily.

"Never judge a book by its cover, Aedan. I don't look like a deadly force of nature – but here we are."

"Ah… fair point, actually," Zevran grinned. I rolled my eyes and we continued walked as I told them more about how I met the man.