*Thank-you for the reviews on the last chapter they were greatly appreciated. Thank-you all so much*
A coupe days have passed since Amari left this Earth and there's just an emptiness in our home as we wake up every day to learn how to adjust our lives without her beautiful smile. I feel an emptiness as I am making us breakfast and Amari isn't here to help me by breaking the eggs before I scramble them or to put the toast in the oven like she did so often before. I feel an emptiness every morning that I wake up and I don't have her coming to me with a beautiful smile and wanting her morning hug. It's just an empty feeling in our lives, the same empty I felt when I lost my wife Kate. I remember the pain of losing her well, it was a rough time, so many routines changed forever, my life changed forever just like I know Madden experienced the same thing when she lost Wyatt. We both know all too well that the grieving process never truly goes away, some days are just better than others while some of the days are tough. Today we are in our first holiday without Amari and it's heartbreaking, the first holiday of many we will need to face without Amari.
My phone starts to buzz on the counter and when I see it's Kenzie calling me. I wipe my hands off on the towel and hit the green phone button on my phone. "Hey, Kenzie," I say as it is on speaker.
"Hey, Joe," she says, "How is Madden today?"
"She's still in bed," I say. "I don't know if she's going to get out of bed today."
"I see," she says with sympathy in her voice.
"She is taking this hard," I say. "I mean Amari was her baby girl and even though we knew to expect this it's still not easy."
"I know," she says, "if there's anything I can do please let me know."
"If you could change the fact we are in the middle of a pandemic so that Amari can get the life celebration she deserves that would be great," I say knowing that it's going to be hard to have a proper funeral or as we have chosen to call it a life celebration with the restrictions placed by our local government.
"I know it's crazy," she says. "How is Gatsby handling everything?"
"The best that we can expect for an 8 year old that just lost their little sister. It's been tough," I say, "and we are just going to take everything one day at a time."
"Well, if there's anything you need please let me know, you know we are here for you."
"Thank-you, Kenzie, we really appreciate that."
"Are you planning on having Easter dinner today?" she asks.
"No we weren't really planning on it," I say, "it's a lot and too much to handle right now."
"I understand," she says, "I can bring you some food over later if you would like?"
"Thanks, Kenzie, that would be great," I say knowing that none of us are really in a celebratory mood and I don't have the energy to pull off an Easter dinner especially when Madden hasn't left our bed or our room for two days. I don't think celebrating Easter today is likely.
"You're welcome," she says. "And if Gatsby would like to come over for the day and just spend time over here to give you and Madden some time she is more than welcome."
"I can see if Gatsby is feeling up to it and I will let you know."
"All right," she says, "and remember what I said, Joe, if you need anything please do not hesitate. We are here for you."
"Thank-you, Kenzie," I say with a soft smile. "I will talk to you later. I am going to finish cooking breakfast. Have a great Easter."
"You do your best to enjoy your day," she says, "bye, Joe."
"Bye," I say before I hang up the phone and get back to working on our breakfast. I look at Gatsby's untouched Easter basket filled with little treats for the holiday as she comes down into the kitchen. "Good morning, Gatsby."
"Morning," she says climbing up on the stool on the island in front of her Easter basket. "Is mom still in bed?"
"Yes," I say, "she's still in bed."
"Is she going to get out of bed today?" she asks as she starts to go through the Easter basket unimpressed by it. She pushes it to the side and puts her head down on the island.
"I don't know, Gatsby, I hope so but I don't think she's going to get out of bed today."
"I didn't think so," she says, "I miss Mari already."
"We all miss Mari," I say.
"It's not the same," she says.
"It really isn't," I agree with her.
"At least she is with my dad now. She wanted to be with our dad for a while. She's not alone."
"You're right," I say, "she's not alone."
"But it's still not fair she's not here anymore."
"I know, Gatsby. Didn't you like your Easter Basket?"
"It's okay," she shrugs, "it's candy. I just want my sister back," she says.
"I understand that. So you don't want to go to your Aunt Kenzie's house for Easter today?" I ask.
"No," she says, "I don't want to."
"Okay, you don't have to. She just thought maybe you would like to go and spend some time there."
"I'm fine here," she says watching me cook breakfast.
"That's fine," I say, "how are you feeling?"
She shrugs and says, "I just miss her and I wish she was still here."
"We all do, Gatsby but she's always going to be with us just like your dad is always with you."
"I know but it's not the same."
"I know," I say with a comforting smile. "I love you, Gatsby."
"I love you too," she says as she continues to watch me.
After I finish breakfast I give Gatsby a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast with a glass of orange juice before I get a plate ready for Madden. I make my way upstairs while Gatsby eats her breakfast. I open the door to our bedroom to see Madden laying in bed. I place the tray down before I open the curtains to allow the sun to shine into the room. I walk over to see that Madden is awake holding onto Amari's favorite blanket, her eyes bloodshot from crying. I kiss her forehead softly. "Good morning," I say.
"If it was a good morning my baby girl would still be here," she says with sadness in her voice.
"I know," I say softly as I sit down on the bed with her. "I brought you some breakfast if you're hungry."
"I'm not," she says.
"Madden," I know what you're going through and I know that you're hurting but you have to at least eat a little bit of something for the baby. We don't want anything to happen to the baby."
"I'm not hungry," she says. I can't force her to eat but I know that she needs to nourish the baby she's pregnant with to keep him strong and healthy. "It hurts so much, Joe," she says honestly. "Just waking up every day without her."
"I know it does," I say rubbing her arm softly.
"It's not fair, Joe, she was not even 7 years old and she had so much life to live. She had so many dreams to achieve. She never got to be a ballerina, she never got to do ballet like she wanted. She never got to leave kindergarten," she says, "it's not fair, why did God take her away, why didn't God heal her and leave her here for us? Let her live her life?"
"I know it's not fair," I agree with her, "and I wish I could answer your question. God does things we will never understand. I still don't understand why he took Kate away just like I am sure you don't understand why he took Wyatt away but God had a reason for doing what he did. The thing to focus on now is that Amari isn't sick anymore, she's not in any pain anymore."
"That's all I ever wanted for her, to not be sick anymore and not be in any pain," she says as tears burn my eyes. "I'm going to miss her and I know we just learn to adjust our lives but how can I adjust my life knowing that my 6 year old is in Heaven when she should still be here with us. How am I supposed to adjust my life when I know that every day I have to live without her smile, her positivity in life, hearing her hopes and her dreams, working with her reading and her math. How am I supposed to adjust my life without getting her daily hugs and kisses, she was such a special girl, she was so loving, so sweet, it's not fair, Joe," she says looking up at me.
"I know, Madden, I know it's not fair," I say as she moves over motioning for me to lay down next to her. I lay down and take her in my arms and hold her close to me as we both cry together. We have spent so much time crying the last couple days, crying together and holding each other as the tears flow. Madden is right adjusting to life is not going to be easy.
"I hope that Wyatt is taking care of her," she says.
"I am sure he is," I say. "I'm sure he was there the moment that she arrived."
"And I hope she's doing ballet up there and eating all the ice-cream she could ever want."
"I'm sure she is," I say with a soft smile thinking about Amari smiling as she dances her ballet and eats all the ice-cream she can eat. "We are going to get through this, Madden. I promise, we are going to get through this and we are going to get through this together."
"I didn't expect it to hurt this much," she says honestly. "I thought I would be okay, that I would feel peace knowing that she was healed and that she was with Wyatt and that she wasn't in pain anymore but it hurts so much knowing she won't be here anymore."
"I know it hurts," I say, "it's going to hurt for a while," I say, "I don't think it's ever going to stop hurting."
"I know," she says, "and we can't even give her the proper life celebration she deserves because of travel bans, lockdowns and limitations on gatherings. She deserves so much more," she says, "and it hurts that I have to plan my baby girl's life celebration. No mother should ever have to bury her child no matter what."
"I know," I say holding her. "I know."
"I guess we need to start making some plans," she says as she sits up and I sit up with her.
"If you're feeling up to it," I say.
"I don't think I will ever feel up to planning a life celebration for my 6 year old but she deserves something special," she says. "But what did you make for breakfast?" she asks.
I smile and say, "So you are hungry?"
"Joseph is hungry," she smiles and it is the first time I see her smile in a couple days as she places her hand on her stomach. "He's moving up a storm, see if you can feel it," she says. I place my hand on her stomach, she guides my hand to where he is moving, "do you feel him?" she asks with a smile.
I smile at her with tears in my eyes and nod, "that's him? That's him moving?"
"Yes," she says with a smile. "He's so active today."
"I can tell," I say with the tears of joy falling from my eyes, this is the first time I have felt my son move, he is kicking up a storm and it is beautiful, a ray of sunshine in the middle of our storm. "Hey, Joseph," I say with a smile, "I love you so much, I can't wait to meet you. You are going to be so loved. You're going to be one lucky little boy."
"He really is," she says, "and Amari would have loved him."
"She was so excited for her baby brother but she will always be his guardian angel, watching over him, making sure he's safe and she's going to love him from above."
"I know," she says, "She's going to be everywhere, the wind that blows, the snowflakes that fall from the sky, the rain that falls on a warm spring day, the flower that grows after the storm, the leaves budding on the trees, the leaves falling from the trees, the waves crashing down in the ocean," she says, "she's going to be everywhere. I have been thinking, Joe," she says as I hand her some of her breakfast. "Thank-you."
"You're welcome," I say, "so what are you thinking about?"
"I was thinking of putting Amari's life celebration on hold, until things get better, till things are cleared up," she says.
"That sounds like a good plan," I say.
"I want to get her cremated," she explains. "I thought about burying her in a tutu with her favorite American Girl doll and burying her with Wyatt but with everything as crazy as it is now I want to do something different. I want to get her cremated, take her ashes do something special with some of her ashes like getting us each a necklace made with her ashes inside and then go to Hawaii and spread her ashes on the beach."
"Is that what you really want to do?" I ask.
She nods and says, "Yes, that's what I really want to do. Hawaii was the happiest that I had ever seen her, she loved Hawaii and I want to spread her ashes on the beach in Hawaii. We can have a whole life celebration for her in Hawaii. We didn't get the wedding we wanted because of Covid, I want to do this, I want to give her the celebration she deserves she was a fighter, Joe, she was a warrior, she was the bravest little girl I have ever met," she says with tears in her eyes. "She fought her hardest, she fought to the very end of her life, to the very last moment," she says. "She was so strong, the last year has been so rough for her." Tears burning my eyes. "She was the bravest, strongest little girl I had ever met. This last year wasn't easy for her, she got so sick and it turns out that sickness was more than a simple cold, it was cancer. She hurt so much but she kept going, she kept living with a smile on her face, she got months and rounds of chemotherapy with the hopes of killing the disease taking over her body, she went into remission once but it came back, she got a bone marrow transplant, she had her leg amputated, she gave up so much, risked so much so she could be healthy and then the doctor broke the news that there was nothing more they could do, she was so strong. She was so brave she woke up every day, to face another day of pain, to face another day not knowing if that was going to be her last, not knowing if tomorrow was going to come and till the very end she fought, till the very end she was happy despite everything that was stacked against her. She deserves the most beautiful life celebration, the most beautiful goodbye," she says, "she deserves this, Joe."
"I don't disagree," I say wiping the tears from my eyes. "She gets her strength from you," I say.
"I wish I was as strong as she was but she was stronger, she was braver," she says shaking her head. "I miss her, Joe, I really miss her."
"I miss her too, we are going to get through this, we are going to get through this together," I say. "For better or worse," I remind her of the vows we took the other day.
"For better or worse," she says, "I'm going to need you, Joe, I am going to need you to help me get through this."
"I'm not going anywhere," I say, "I am going to be here for you and for Gatsby like I always have been. I will be here for you and we are going to get through this together, we are going to be okay."
"I hope so," she says, "I hope so."
*A/n: What did you think? What do you think of Madden's Life Celebration plan for Amari? Do you think that's what Amari would want? Please review and thank-you for reading.