Chapter Fourteen: Your Stare Was Holding

The first thing James became aware of was a feeling of warmth.

It surrounded him, pulling him deeper into the lulling embrace of sleep, and begging him to stay in the realm of unconsciousness. It was so easy to want to obey that desire, but there was also light spilling into the room, making it nearly impossible.

His mind fleetingly grasped onto the thought that he must have forgotten to shut his curtains the night before.

Groaning, he turned toward where the warmth was radiating, attempting to get away from the first few rays of morning sun. He sighed, feeling content as his arms found the source, pulling it closer towards him. He caught the scent of something faintly like cinnamon and honey as he buried his face into the comfortable heat.

And then his mind caught up with him.

Cinnamon and honey?

Head heavy and eyes burning from such a deep sleep, it took James several moments to blink himself awake. When he did, he took in what he knew of his surroundings. He was in his bedroom, in his own bed…

And there was a girl in his arms.

A girl whose hair he had been nuzzling.

A girl who sighed, content, and buried her head in his chest as she slept on.

Lily.

James paused for a moment, his confusion only slight as he remembered the previous night. He and Lily had kissed. A lot, if he was remembering correctly. They had spent most of the night kissing, in fact.

And she asked to stay the night.

At some point, when they decided they would have to sleep, he lent her a shirt and a pair of his old joggers from when he was a freshman in high school. Then, he had fallen asleep to her tracing patterns into the palm of his hand.

Lily Evans spent the night.

Still having trouble processing that bit of information, James reached across her to where his phone was buzzing. Rubbing his eyes and squinting, for he wasn't sure where he placed his glasses, he tried to make sense of the words as they flashed across his screen.

Padfoot: Well?

Padfoot: Did you get him to crack yet?

Remus: I think she's otherwise preoccupied at the moment.

Remus: As was your suggestion in the first place, Pads.

Padfoot: It was a good suggestion

Padfoot: Evans?

Padfoot: EVANS

Padfoot: gd Evans

Padfoot: I need details

Padfoot: You better not have forgotten about the mission

Padfoot: MAKE PRONGS CRACK 2K19

… This was not his phone.

He blinked at the screen again, taking in the groupchat name of Welcome to Pettyville.

This was definitely not his phone.

He sat up slowly, careful not to wake the sleeping Lily next to him as he stared down at the messages, focusing on one in particular.

Padfoot: MAKE PRONGS CRACK 2K19

She knew.

She knew he was Prongs.

She knew that he knew that she was Val.

And she was trying to get him to confess. She was pranking him, and she had even gotten his mates in on it.

"You little shit," he whispered affectionately, brushing some of her hair out of her face. "God dammit, Evans. I'm going to end up marrying you, you know that?"

She grunted in response, not bothering to wake. Instead, she turned away from him and he laughed, placing her phone back on the nightstand for her to find.

Gingerly getting out of bed and tiptoeing across the floor, he decided to head to the kitchen. After all, if they were going to be in a prank war against each other, they might as well be well fed. He couldn't let his girl go hungry, now could he? She would need all her strength to go up against him now that he knew that she knew that he knew.

He shook his head. This was, perhaps, becoming a bit messy, keeping track of who knew what, but he was good at getting out of messes.

He almost couldn't believe that she had figured it out and responded by trying to turn the tables around on him. He was… impressed.

James was laughing madly and mixing pancake batter when Remus walked into the kitchen, stopping with wide eyes at the sight of him.

"What's going on?"

"Good morning," James said, grinning at him. "Did you sleep well?"

"Well enough," Remus answered, still eyeing him skeptically. "How did you sleep?"

"Great. Perfect. I feel amazing," he said, grabbing a pack of bacon from the fridge. "Do you want bacon with your pancakes? Oh, you know what? I think I have chocolate chips somewhere I can add to the batter."

"Lily spent the night," Remus said, not even pretending that it was a question. He nodded to himself. "Chocolate chips are in the cabinet above the stove."

"This is why I love you, Remus," James said, twirling his spatula. "You know everything, don't you?"

"That depends," Remus said, sliding into a chair by the table and keeping his eyes on James. "What do you include in 'everything'?"

"You know who also is very knowledgeable?" James said, turning on the burner. He threw extra chocolate chips into Remus' pancake. "Lily."

"Yes," Remus said after a beat. "Is there anything… specific that made you think about that?"

"Hmm," James mused. He kept his eyes on the bubbling surface of the pancake. Remus liked his pancakes with crunchy edges, and he needed to make sure that it was perfect. "Maybe. Do you want orange juice with your breakfast?"

"Prongs," Remus said, lowering his voice and letting a note of worry into it. "Is this part of your game with Lily? I think you should tell her." He darted a look toward James' closed bedroom door. "She clearly likes you."

"Why would I tell her," he started, plating Remus' pancakes with a bacon smiley face, "when she already knows?"

He slid the plate across the table to Remus, who looked down at it in horror.

"How do you - Nevermind. I don't want to know." Remus must have been distressed, because he didn't immediately dive into his chocolate-filled pancake. "I want you to tell each other what's going on so this can be over."

"Are you kidding me? I can't let this opportunity go," James argued. "She may know that I know, but she doesn't know that I know that she knows that I know. You know?"

"I wish I didn't. God, James, this has gone on long enough."

The faint creak of a door came from down the hall, followed by a pathetic meow.

"Shhh," James shushed Remus, sliding an extra pancake onto his plate. "Not a word, okay?"

"Fine," Remus whispered. "You owe me."

"Aw," Lily's voice came into the kitchen before she did. "Are you hungry, Sir? Let's find James."

The smell of frying bacon and pancakes lead Lily into the kitchen a few seconds later, the grey cat staying close to her legs. When he saw James, he meowed loudly again, as if fully deprived.

"Good morning," Lily said, giving James a sleepy smile that made him melt. "This little guy woke me before my alarm to cuddle. I couldn't find you to join, but I smelled something cooking out here. I can feed him if you tell me where his stuff is." Then, noticing Remus in the room, her cheeks flushed. "Hi, Remus."

"Morning, Lily," he mumbled, his mouth full of bribery pancakes.

"His food is right there," James said, pointing to the container full of cat food next to the fridge. "Along with his bowls. Do you want bacon with your pancakes?"

"Sure."

While passing him on her way to the fridge, Lily paused to put a hand on James' arm and kiss his cheek. Sir Purr brushed against both of their legs between them, making another sad kitty sound.

"Okay," Lily said quietly, an amused smile evident in her voice, "you can be first."

Sir Purr followed her closely while she topped off his water and put a cup of food in his bowl. The food was enough to distract him and allow Lily to come closer. Once there, she leaned against the counter next to the stove.

"Good morning," she said again. "How did you sleep?"

"Perfect," James said, smiling at how very domestic the whole thing was. "And you?"

"Great," Lily answered. "I've never had a full breakfast before Bio. Did I make you skip your morning run?"

"How'd you know I run every morning?" James asked, though he honestly knew how. He had told her that as Prongs and couldn't resist an opportunity to attempt to catch her in her act.

"You told me you exercise a lot," she said, a little too quickly. "And I ran into you that time before Bio. I guess I assumed it was a run every morning. Was I, um, was I right?"

She was a bad liar. It was adorable.

"Right on the money," he confirmed. He handed her a plate, watching as she took it with pink cheeks.

"Done!" Remus said, standing quickly from the table as they were about to sit. "I couldn't eat another bite. I'm going to go make sure I have all my assignments prepared for the day."

"Okay," Lily said, moving into his empty seat. "I'll see you at work?"

"Yeah. Yes. Absolutely," Remus answered, intentionally not meeting her eyes. "See you later!" He hurried down the hall, and his door snapped closed.

"Do you think he minds that I stayed over?"

"Nah. He's like this every morning," James said, cutting into his pancakes and pausing before putting the bite in his mouth.

"Okay," she answered doubtfully. Lily took a bite of her pancake, her eyes lighting up a little and making her look more awake.

"So…"

She turned her attention back to James. "So?"

James hadn't actually made a plan of action after seeing her phone this morning. He was more of the type of person to wing most things, and he wondered if maybe this wasn't something he could wing. If maybe this was something that would need to be handled with gloves.

Lily was clever.

"Anything you want to tell me?"

And he was not subtle, apparently. He froze at his own stupidity. What was with him and his inability to play it cool around her?

"You make good pancakes?" she tried, teasing. Lily took another bite to prove her point. "Or we could talk about last night, if that's what you mean."

Okay, wrong tactic.

One where she was simply able to offer a distracting subject change.

One that he shouldn't take.

One that he definitely would not take.

"We can talk about last night."

God dammit, Potter. Focus!

"Do you want to talk about the part where we made out until two in the morning? Or the part where you slept in my bed?"

"Either," she grinned. "Plus the part when your cat loved me and I said I really, really like you."

As if on cue, Sir Purr's tail brushed James' ankle. He looked down to see two wide green eyes staring back at him, blinking and unimpressed that James was not fawning over him.

"I still think he's a bit of an ass," James said. "But he's usually an excellent judge of character. He does seem to really like you." He smiled at her as he munched on some bacon. "I may feel the same."

I really, really like you, Lily Evans.

I think that I love you.

I need you to admit to being a little shit and trying to prank me so that I can kiss you for it.

All of these thoughts flashed through his mind, but he kept them to himself.

"You may?" Lily leaned forward.

"Maybe," he said, leaning forward himself. "I've grown pretty fond of you."

"What a relief," she said, still smiling. Something on the table vibrated, and she glanced down at her phone. "We should get ready for Bio. Can I borrow a sweater of yours?"

"Take your pick," he told her, grabbing their plates. "They're in the top drawer of my dresser."

"Thanks." She stood and started out of the kitchen, Sir Purr on her heels, but she stopped before going back to his room. "Isn't it great that we share a class? We should find another one next semester."

"We should," he agreed. It was so easy to feel wrapped up in his feelings for her, watching her there, standing in his shirt, smiling at him like everything was right in the world.

He watched her slip into his room, unable to take his eyes off the spot where she'd just been.

He laughed. "I'm going to marry that girl."

Severus: Lily, I think we should talk.

Severus: Look, I know you're still mad, but I really think we can talk about this.

Severus: We were friends for so long. Now we don't talk at all.

Severus: Are we really going to throw all of that away over one thing?

Severus: Maybe we could meet this afternoon to see if we can fix this misunderstanding.

Seen at 12:03pm.

Severus: Did I see you on the quad with Potter today?

Severus: I know you said you were going to that party of his, but you don't have to keep going along with him.

Severus: I really need to talk to you.

Most of the time, Lily thrived on having a plan.

She liked to chart the course of her day, her semester, her year. Then, she could go from step to step, keeping track of how much closer she was to her goal. She could think of what to do if anything went wrong. She could have some control over her life.

But now, she found herself drifting more than she ever had before, figuring things out as she went along and diverging from her plan in some noticeable ways.

She hadn't planned to try to call her sister one night, furious, and end up wondering about the boy on the other end of the line. She hadn't planned on falling hard and fast for the cute guy in the back of her Bio class who asked her for notes.

She hadn't planned on them being the same person, two sides of someone who made her heart beat faster and her thoughts spin.

Last night, she didn't plan on ending their date by asking to spend the night. She didn't plan on skipping sleep on a school night so she could kiss him again and again. She didn't plan on waking up in his bed and feeling like she could stay there - preferably with him - for a long time.

For now, though, she was okay with that.

Instead of walking back to her apartment alone after class, as she usually did, James walked her back, waited for her to collect her things for the rest of the day, and suggested that they get something to eat outside. They bought a couple of burritos and spread a blanket out on the quad so they could enjoy the colors and coolness of late fall.

Even with her entire closet of options, Lily opted to stay in his sweater. She could pull the sleeves all the way over her hands and smell the traces of his laundry detergent. Wearing it felt comfortable and intimate in a way that made her grin behind her sleeve-covered hands.

"We can go over the chapter on DNA again," Lily said, laying back on the blanket and holding her textbook above her head. "I'm sure there's going to be questions about that on the midterm."

Leaves crunched around them, but she generally ignored them. Students were walking to and from classes, meeting friends, getting coffee, and running to office hours. She loved times like this, when lots of people were busy and doing things. Lives ran parallel to each other without intersecting.

It made her feel lucky. James came to her in two paths. She was able to catch him both ways.

She could ignore the background noise of campus until someone stopped by the blanket, scuffing boots on the grass and letting out a particularly loud scoff.

"Is this what you're doing now, Lily?"

She sat up quickly, holding the textbook in front of her. It was almost like a shield between her and the person she absolutely didn't want to see.

Severus crossed his arms and looked at them coolly. Lily knew him well enough to know he was trying to look unbothered. He gave himself away, however, when his eyes darted between Lily and James.

He was bothered.

"What I'm doing isn't any of your business," she said. "Can you leave me alone, please?"

Severus sighed as if she were the unreasonable one. "I'd really like to talk to you, Lily." His eyes darted towards James and then back to her. "Alone. Please?"

Running into him with Mary was bad enough. Nothing would make her want to be alone with him. "Absolutely not," she answered.

"I really don't think Lily is interested in talking to you, Snape," James said, leaning back on his palms to look up at the other boy. "She asked you to leave."

"That's none of your concern, Potter. Lily -"

"You know each other," Lily interrupted. "So you know this can't go well."

Severus had reacted to James' name the last time she saw him, but that was different from seeing him glare daggers on the quad. This wasn't entirely projection on someone that he caught a glance of every so often. They had some kind of history.

"We had Speech together last year," James confirmed. "He has some pretty… interesting viewpoints. We may have sparred a couple of times."

"You mean you purposely antagonized me," Snape hissed. "You and that dog of yours, Sirius Black!"

"It's not antagonizing if you said the kind of stuff you tried to say to me. It's calling you out," Lily said. She looked toward James, knowing that small action would bother Severus more. "I know all about his viewpoints. It's why we aren't friends anymore."

"Then you can only imagine how our public speaking class went," James said. His eyes shifted between Lily and Severus, seemingly latching onto something.

Something only Prongs should know, Lily suspected.

"You two go way back, don't you?"

"Yes," Severus answered, eyes boring into James and grasping onto this connection. "Lily and I have known each other since we were kids. We've been friends since -"

"It's not a contest," Lily replied hotly. "Being a good friend is more important than how long we knew each other."

"And I've been a good friend to you!" He turned to her, eyes wide and a little desperate. "I helped you deal with your sister and work on things for school. We even applied to college together, Lily! You're the one giving up on us because -"

"Because," Lily said, trying - and mostly failing - to keep her voice level, "you think that means you get to decide how I live my life. That if I don't agree with you, if I tell you that you're being a jerk, it's some big attack. That you're always right, even when you're being a bigot!"

That seemed to silence Severus, his face flushed and his mouth a thin line. As if he finally grasped that Lily no longer viewed him as she once did. He has always been delusional that she would return to him. That she was going through a phase. That he just needed to be persistent enough to make her come back.

"I can't - I can't give up on you," Severus told her after a moment. "I can't give up on us. I can't believe that you're so willing to throw away everything we've been to each other."

"There isn't an us anymore," Lily said. She was tired of having this conversation and tired of thinking about why she needed to have it in the first place. "You're not my best friend. You threw that away a long time ago."

"I'm not the one who -"

James stood suddenly, the action causing Severus to take a step back in surprise and cutting him off. Lily was struck for the first time by how tall James was. She had to strain her neck up to look at him. Even Severus, who was taller than Lily and always had been, had to look up at him.

"I think you should leave," James said, taking a step in front of Lily. "You're making Lily uncomfortable, and you're causing a scene."

His pleading expression quickly hardened. "This doesn't involve you, Potter. You think that everyone is waiting to hear your opinion, but I'm not. I'm not impressed by your -"

"Please," Lily said, standing. She didn't like being the only person on the ground. "I said it before, but I'll say it again. Leave me alone."

Severus regarded her for a moment, his eyes cold. "I can't believe you're so willing to let this go. I can't believe how little I mean to you. After everything."

"Don't go turning this back around on Lily, Snivellus," James growled. "You're good at that, aren't you? Placing the blame on others and never taking any for yourself."

"Is this what you're giving me up for then?" Severus snapped at Lily, his voice raising slightly. "This is your type? Arrogant and rich? You'd rather have him in your life? He can't give you what I can give you -"

"What?" James snorted. "A migraine?"

"This isn't about you versus James, Severus! I didn't want to be friends with you before I even met him." Her hands tightened by her side, voice rising. "I'm not some paper doll who will do whatever you like or a trophy to win so you can brag about it to your horrible friends."

Severus let out a disbelieving laugh that held no humor. "Now you're surrounding yourself with people like Macdonald and Potter who -"

"Who don't tell me what to do or who to spend my time with. Who don't make me feel like they're waiting for me to do something wrong so they can be upset with me and hold it over my head. They're people who don't use our friendship like a weapon to get the answers they want." Her nails pinched her palms. "That's the kind of people I surround myself with now."

Silence fell between the three of them. For a moment, Lily was certain she could slice through the tension her words created with a knife.

Good, she thought to herself. It needed to be said. It needed to be said a long time ago.

Despite all of that, despite the necessity of the words and the freedom that came with speaking them aloud, Lily felt a part of herself crumble.

Severus was part of her childhood. He was there, cemented in so many memories of what they used to be. Though she knew he had grown into too toxic of a person to be around, it still hurt to have to make the decision. He had distanced himself away from her so much that she could not take him with her into the next phase of her life in good conscience.

She hated him for putting her in that position in the first place.

"Come on," she heard James say. His hand reached for hers, and she instinctively let her fingers tighten around it. "Let's go."

"Don't bother," snapped Severus. He didn't break eye contact either. "I'll go. You won't hear from me again, if that's honestly what you really want. I'll take myself out like the trash you seem to think I am."

"Severus, I -"

Even now, with her meaning every word she said and with him being who he intended to be, Lily wanted to respond. Her instinct was to say something, to start some rebuttal that would let him know that no, it hadn't all been nothing, but no, she couldn't keep doing this.

Somehow, his opinion of her still mattered, even when she knew it shouldn't. Even when every part of her didn't want it to matter anymore.

She would have to be okay with him not understanding. She would have to be okay with him never seeing her side and never doing anything to understand it.

She would have to be okay with things breaking painfully and without clean edges.

Lily couldn't keep having this fight.

"Good bye, Severus," Lily said instead.

He cast her one last withering look. Without another word, Severus turned sharply on his heel and walked briskly away.

"I…" Lily cleared her throat. She waited until he passed behind one of the academic buildings to try to say anything, staring into the space where Severus was. "I want to go home, James."

"Okay," he said right away, bending down to gather their things. She turned to find him carefully tucking each book into her bag. "I'll take you home. Do you want me to text Mary or anything?"

"No."

Mary was fury and anger when it came to Severus or anyone else who hurt her. Lily loved those parts of her friend, but she wasn't ready for them yet. She wasn't ready to list the things he'd done wrong and all of the ways she was better off without him. She wasn't ready to make a burn book and watch it go up in flames.

She would be ready at some point, she told herself. After a few hours, maybe she would return to herself.

She had to.

Lily told her body to move, but it didn't listen. She watched James, managing only to cross her arms over her stomach. "I have to text Remus that I won't be at work."

"I can do that for you," he told her, standing and slinging her bag across his shoulder. He reached out, tucking some hair behind her ear. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

She nodded, grateful that she didn't have to ask. Her eyes burned, but she forced them to stay open. She was not going to cry about Severus Snape.

"It's not your fault, you know. All those things he said," James elaborated. "Snape - I know he was your friend once upon a time, and what you did just now… it was very brave of you. It took a lot of courage."

Slowly, her arms started to obey the instructions from her brain. She swept up and folded the blanket, holding it against her when she was done.

"Maybe I'll feel like that later," Lily allowed. "Right now I want to go home and put on pajamas and…" She raised her eyes to his. "And sit on the couch with you. If that's okay."

"More than okay. Come on, Evans. Let's get you home."