A/N: Well, last week was certainly exciting, in more ways than one!
Thanks everyone, for your support! I admit last week's premiere certainly gave me some inspiration for this story, and for In My Dreams II, which you should definitely check out. Also, I'm on Twitter. Follow me at unnamedfanwritr. I will be posting my updates, hints, and the things that inspire me for these stories.
Anyway,
Enjoy!
Meredith sat in the Bistro in a sort of daze, staring at the stuffed bear she'd purchased impulsively at the pharmacy. Dr. Radford confirmed it half an hour ago. She was pregnant. Five weeks.
Meredith felt Like she was in another world. She'd been in this town for almost two days, but felt so lost. She didn't know what to do. Should she keep driving? Stay here? Go home? She stirred her soup. She was pregnant. How was she going to do it? Raise three kids? She had enough trouble raising two, with Derek. And now...
I want more of this… of us.
Another baby? Seriously?
Boys… and their penises.
"Mom? Can we get candy after?"
"Hmm?"
"Can me and Bailey get candy?"
Meredith shook her head. The last thing she needed was her kids hopped up on sugar. "No, sweetie. But maybe we can go to a park. How about that?"
"Will you push me on the swing?"
"Sure. Sure Zo," Meredith said, zoning out again.
"Hello."
Pulled from her trance, Meredith looked up to see Dr. Radford at her table, holding a tray. "Hi," she replied.
"Um, there's no more tables and you looked- I just thought- Uh... would you like some company?"
Meredith opened her mouth to refuse him, wanting space, but he seemed so genuine, and had been so patient and helpful this morning at her appointment. "Um, sure." she said. Besides, having someone else to talk to might make the emptiness go away a little.
Dr. Radford set down his tray and sat beside her. "This is a great place," he said. "I'm here every day."
"It's homey," Meredith agreed. "The hostess reminds me of a couple people I know." She slurped up some soup, and then considered something. "Dr. Radford? If I wanted to… If I needed a scan, where would be the best place around here?"
"A scan? Like an ultrasound?" he asked.
"More like a head CT."
"A head CT? Why do you think you should get a head CT?"
"Doctor patient confidentiality?"
"Of course."
"I…" she shook her head. "I passed out, or something, yesterday." She told him how it happened, omitting the Derek dream. One minute, she was staring into the sun, the next, Bailey was wiggling all over her, waking her up. "It wasn't like I fell asleep. I was awake, and then-"
Screech- smack- crunch!
Mommy, wake up.
"I don't know how to explain it. I swear I'm not crazy. I'm a doctor too. I know what to look for."
Dr. Radford hummed thoughtfully. "Mind if I ask a few questions? Doctor-patient?"
Meredith nodded, resigned. She would do the same, if their roles were reversed. It was just good practice. She listened and responded to his questions, answering most in the negative.
"So you don't think there's anything wrong?"
"I don't think there's really any reason to submit to a scan right now," Dr. Radford said. "Although it's strange, it's not indicative of anything physically wrong in your brain."
"I know it's strange," she said. "I mean, my husband's a neurosurgeon. I've seen it all."
"Wow, and you're a doctor too." He smiled.
"Surgeon. But, I-I'm taking a break."
"Ah."
"Mommy, are we going home soon? I wanna see Amy and Maggie and Sof." Zola asked.
Meredith put her spoon down, feeling a tightness in her belly. The thought of going home, frankly, made her uneasy. Without Derek, she didn't know who she was anymore. And she just…
She couldn't breathe there anymore. "I don't know Zola," she answered truthfully.
"Why mommy?"
Meredith couldn't explain. Not now. Not in front of Dr. Radford. She didn't even know if Zola would understand. "Zola... eat your sandwich. We're going to go to the park after this, remember?"
"Okay." The little girl resigned.
Meredith uncomfortably took another sip of soup. Dr. Radford raised a brow quizzically, but said nothing.
"Momma, where Daddy?" Bailey asked.
Crap. Meredith sighed and touched the top of Bailey's head. She didn't want to explain. Not today, not now, in front of company. But she had to be consistent until Bailey got it. "Well, daddy was hurt very very badly, and... his body didn't work anymore. So he... died. He's not here anymore."
"He not here?"
"No, and he's not coming back sweetie, I'm sorry."
"But where?"
"He's dead. Bailey. You're not going to see him anymore."
"I wanna see him."
"I know. Later I can show you some pictures okay? Would you like to see some pictures?
"No! No pichers! I want Daddy!" He flung his juicebox across the table, spattering the amber liquid all over the table and Dr. Radford
"Bailey!" Meredith bolted up from her seat, the tightness in her belly spreading to the rest of her body. "You can't see him! He's not coming back! He's dead!"
Meredith's ears rang and her body shook. Everyone in the Bistro froze and stared at the crazy lady seated in the center with the handsome Dr. Radford. Meredith's cheeks flamed in embarrassment, and she drew in a painful breath. Zola and Bailey stared at her, frozen in shock.
Crap.
"Meredith," Dr. Radford touched her hand gently. "Are you all right?"
Meredith ignored him. She had to go. Go, go go... "Zola, put your coat on honey..."
"But I'm not finished..." Zola held up her sandwich.
"We'll take it with us..." Meredith plied the sandwich out of her daughter's hands and wrapped it in a napkin."Bailey, we're going."
"No!" Bailey shouted, reaching for his juice.
"I'll get you more later okay?"
"I don't want to go, I want to stay here..." Zola protested, making eyes at Dr. Radford, trying to get him on her side, because obviously, her mother was the crazy one.
"Meredith-"
She ignored him. Ashamed, she couldn't stay here. "We're going, Zola. You don't have a choice. Now either you bring your food with you, or you go hungry, now come on, put your coat on."
"Mommy!"
Meredith was making a worse situation even worse. But she couldn't stop herself. Everyone was staring. Gawking. Oh look at the poor widow who yells at her two-year old in public. "Zola, we're going!"
"Want juice!" Bailey grabbed his juice from her hand, but it slipped and spilled all over the floor. Then he started to cry.
She couldn't handle it. She shoved Zola's wrapped sandwich in her pocket, pulled Zola's coat on her, yanking too hard as she did so, and grabbed Bailey's hand. "Let's go." If she took Bailey, Zola would follow.
"Mom!" Zola called.
She stormed out of the Bistro and practically shoved Zola and Bailey in the backseat before she got in herself and slammed the door shut. Bailey screamed, Zola complained, and Meredith did mental acrobatics just to pull herself together. She was terrified and mortified and sad and angry all at once.
She was pregnant. She was a widow. She was a mother. She couldn't melt down. She couldn't break.
She was fine.
A sudden rapping at her window startled her. Dr Radford. "What?" she snapped at him.
"Are you alright?" he asked with obvious concern.
"Fine. I'm fine."
He nodded, but didn't move, his gaze soft and concerned for her.
"Sorry," she said. "Sorry for-" all this, she gestured. "Is there a park around here?" she asked. Go. Go, go, go… she thought.
"Yeah... just down the street, on the right."
She nodded and began to roll the window up.
"Meredith... if there's anything- if you want to talk-" he started, but she didn't wait for him to finish. She was going to the park.
Meredith did end up buying them candy. It was the only thing to keep them quiet and behaving. At least for now. Meredith sat on the bench, watching Bailey and Zola play and tried not to fall apart.
Breathe
"God, I'm an idiot..." she muttered, wiping her still wet eyes. She'd yelled at a toddler. Her son. She'd yelled at him like she'd yelled at Derek all those months ago.
Maybe she should have stayed home in Seattle where Maggie and Amelia and Alex were… Or maybe she should've moved to D.C like Derek wanted. Or maybe she should have forced him to stay, unhappy as he was, even if they fought and argued all the time, that was better than dead.
Anything was better than dead.
xxx
"Meredith?" Cassie called softly.
Meredith turned, and Cassie immediately noticed the stiffness in her shoulders as she saw her approach. Trying to put herself together.
"Hi," she managed, swallowing.
"Hi," she replied, sitting down beside her on the bench.
Sam had called Cassie a few minutes ago, but the truth was, she had already been on her way here. She clutched the porcelain Shepherd figurine in her hand and rubbed it for extra luck.
This morning, she'd figured something out about the enigmatic Meredith Grey, and she knew what to do now. She took a moment, stilling herself… listening to the whispers of the universe. Things would become clearer to Meredith, if she opened herself up to it.
Cassie sat with Meredith, watching the kids play. Finally, she asked the inevitable question. "Are you okay?"
Meredith's face contorted as she fought to keep from crying. "No," she said. Tears flooded, and she sniffed, "No."
Cassie's heart broke with Meredith's. She knew this pain all too well. "Oh, Meredith." She pulled the other woman close to her, knowing that words weren't enough. They didn't move for a long time.
"Meredith? Can I show you something?"
xxx
It had taken Cassie a little while to put two and two together, but after checking the registry, she realized that Meredith was in fact Derek Shepherd's wife. Derek Shepherd, the mysterious man who had shown up here, every couple years. Derek Shepherd, who had seemed… so lost when she'd seen him last. He left before he could get any closure. Now she knew why.
You had to lose something before you could find it.
So, after leaving the kids with Grace to babysit, Cassie led Meredith down a familiar trail. Well, it was familiar to her. There was something about the energy of this place. Something about connection, history, time, that had drawn her here early this morning. She stopped a few feet away from the bridge.
"Derek used to come here," Cassie said, putting down the fishing gear she'd brought.
"I know," Meredith said quietly. "I think."
Cassie turned to her, surprised at Meredith's easy acceptance.
The other woman shrugged. "I dreamed it. Or something." She stepped past Cassie and walked onto the bridge, staring down at the burbling stream below.
"He was here, a few months ago. He seemed troubled," Cassie said.
Meredith nodded. "He had the world given to him on a silver platter. He didn't know what he wanted."
Cassie rolled the small figurine she held in her hand. "But he figured it out, didn't he?"
She swallowed, and squeezed the rail. "Yeah," she rasped. "He wanted… us."
"He will always want you," Cassie said.
"But he's not here."
Cassie took Meredith's hand. She stretched out her curled fingers and placed the Shepherd figurine in her palm. "He is. He'll always be here. He will always watch over you."
Like Shepherds do.
Meredith's gaze faltered. She fidgeted with the ceramic ornament. "I don't… I can't… It's-"
"I know," Cassie said. "The universe left. Tore you in half. And you can't breathe…"
"How do you know?"
"My husband died a few years ago…" she offered a sad smile. "I know."
Meredith sank down to the wooden slats of the bridge. She clutched the rail, staring out at the stream that slipped on and on below them. "What am I doing here? Is there a point to all this?"
"There is." Cassie said. "It will become clear soon."
xxx
Meredith didn't believe Cassie. There wasn't a point. If there was one thing she'd learned in life it was that in an instant you could lose everything.
I feel like I just got you back, and now you're going again.
Stay here. Don't move. Wait for me.
It only took a second.
One second.
She stared down at the clear stream below. Her pale effigy reflected back in ripples, and she suddenly realized Cassie was gone. How?
But, the calm trickle of the stream, the warm sun on her face, the quiet, made her want to stay. This was Derek's secret place. Somehow, there seemed room for her in it, too. She picked up the long pole Cassie brought and held it across her lap. Derek had tried to teach her how to fish, but it never interested her long enough.
"It's all in the elbow."
Meredith blinked, startled, as a figure appeared across the stream, "Derek."
Hands in his pockets, he stood ankle deep in the water. He tilted his head. "C'mon, let me show you," he grinned.
Meredith looked around and rubbed her eyes. Was she actually seeing him? Or was she crazy? Was he a ghost? Maybe she really did need a brain scan.
"Meredith," he said softly. "Just come here. It's all right."
She couldn't do anything except obey, picking up the rod and tackle and making her way down to where he was. She kicked off her shoes and socks, and rolled up her pant legs. Now they matched. Derek's arm wrapped around her shoulders. He kissed her cheek. "It's okay."
Together they walked into the water. Meredith's toes sunk into the thick mud, but strangely, the water was warm. Everything was warm in Derek's light.
"Okay. Now, remember what I said, it's all in the elbow," he instructed. Step by step he guided her. Put your hand here. Pull this line. Slow. Keep your arm stiff.
"Feel that?" he asked from behind as he pulled back her arm. "The weight shifting?"
"Y-yeah," she said. It was unreal. It was as if he was truly alive all around her. Like he'd never left. His hand gently pressed against her back. His stubble scraped her cheek.
He was alive, somehow, in this moment, and Meredith didn't want it to end. Ever.
"Now push." His arm moved with hers, pressing forward on the rod. "Push forward. Good. Pull back, draw out some line. Good, good." She felt his smile on her cheek. "Push forward again… yes."
"I'm doing it right?" she managed to say, though her heart was fluttering a thousand times a minute.
"You're doing it perfectly." He kissed her nose. "Okay now, gently tug the line toward you. Gently. Slow. Keep the tip down. That's it."
"Derek, I'm fishing! I'm fishing!" She said as she pulled in more line. The movements started to feel less clunky and more natural. The fishing line slid easily through the rod and her fingers as she practiced the way he showed her.
"Mm. Yes," he said. "Okay now, cast again." He released her, stepping back to watch. Meredith drew out more line, pulled back and pushed forward, like he showed her. She watched, mesmerised as the line curled in tune to the rod, bending into an 'S' shape and straightening out across the thin strip of water beyond her.
Finally, as it stretched to its full length, she let the line sink, gently pulling it against the current. The fly skipped and bounced over the surface, tantalizing the fish below,
"Did you catch any fish? When you were here last time?" Meredith asked.
"No."
"Why?"
"I couldn't get any quiet," he said. "And...I missed you."
Meredith blinked, not quite understanding. How did any of that relate to not catching a fish?
"Mere!"
Her attention shifted back to the rod. The line tugged. "What was that?"
"You got a bite! Pull it in, pull it in!"
"How?" She clutched the rod and the line as if they were her salvation. As she pulled and tugged, a shape splashed in the distance. "What do I do?"
"You can do this, Meredith," he said.
"Right." She pulled and tugged, and pulled again, the line pooling at her feet, until the little fish was flopping in mid-air. What would she do with it? "Derek?" she asked.
But he was gone.
Again.
"Derek?" she called again.
Meredith spun, stepping out of the water. "Derek!"
But he was gone. And she was still there on the bank, clutching an old fishing rod with a flopping, dying fish.
"Oh," she reached for the fish. The slick feeling of its cold skin on hers made her gag, but she wrangled it anyway, freeing it from the hook in its mouth. She crouched down to the stream and gently put it back in the water. For a second, it was still, stunned by the sudden change in environment. But with a flick of its tail, it was gone.
Just like Derek.
Meredith waited for the pain. The emptiness that she usually felt after she dreamed of him… but none came. Yes, there was the aching longing, but the desolation was gone. Instead, as she stared out at the sparkling water, the warm sun cascading through the trees in golden rods of light…
Something else started to warm her. A bright expansion from the inside out, from her toes to her fingertips .
You can do this.
Meredith cried. She would get through this. She wasn't alone. She had hope.
xxx
A/N: More to come soon! Please Review! Follow me on Twitter at unnamedfanwritr and… check out Mistletoe, and In My Dreams II.