It felt exceptionally good to hold Shokyakuro in my hands. My palms gripped its hilt as it glided through the air with each stroke I made. I hadn't planned on pushing Shokyakuro to work so soon after everything had happened, but just barely two days later he was already in my head, pestering me to work harder.

Lazy girl, he had chided. Get off your ass — you wasted all of that time being laid up in bed. We need to get stronger. Go work …now. I hadn't said anything back. No snide comments or arguments, I simply obeyed.

Guilt was still gnawing at me for letting him be taken. Reading my mind, I felt my blade heat in my hands.

Get over it, stupid. I nodded wordlessly and continued running drills on my own. These were fighting patterns so familiar to me that my bones and muscles moved of their own accord; it was just second nature at this point. Which was one of the reasons I was considered to be such a skilled fighter. I had trained my body to such an extent that I could focus my mind on things entirely other than how my body was performing in battle. I could focus on analyzing my opponent, or strategizing, or, when Shokyakuro is released, trying to maintain control over his power. Though I've still got a long way to go, it was an important skill that I had worked very hard to hone, and there's no telling how my fight with Renji would have gone had I not had that ability.

If I have to hear that boy's name one more time … I am so tired of hearing it. I'll say it again, get over it, stupid.

"I can't just get over it," I said with a groan, slashing at the air. "It's not that easy."

It is that easy, girl. He's alive, isn't he? If he's still angry that you bested him in a fight — not even a fight, in a sparring match, then he isn't worth a second thought. I blinked a few times, stopping my body to stare at my zanpakuto.

"Huh. I guess you're right …" I considered. "You're chatty today, aren't you?" I could almost hear him shrugging in my mind.

What can I say — I've got a lot of pent up energy. I've had a lot of down time lately. I chuckled.

"Right, right. I'm sorry." I was surprised to find myself smiling; there was something different about Shokyakuro. He seemed … younger, almost? I couldn't quite put my finger on it but there was something strangely youthful in his voice. There was a levity to it, as well. He was still a pushy hard-ass, but it felt like he was less serious, at least, a little playful almost. I definitely wasn't complaining — just caught off guard.

"It is good to see you on your feet," I heard from behind me. "More specifically, it is good to see you on your feet, and doing something useful." I nearly choked.

"Captain Kuchiki, good morning," I greeted, turning to face him. I bowed. "Again, I'm so sorry for what you saw the other day …"

"I really don't care," he said, echoing what he had said when I addressed him that day. His voice was ice cold, as always. "What or who you choose to do in your free time is none of my concern." This time, I actually did choke a little. I coughed, clearing my throat, and I heard Shokyakuro snickering in my head. I dug my nails into his hilt.

"Right, sir, understood."

"I was going to summon you to my office, but I suppose since I have found you here I won't bother." I sheathed my sword.

"Oh, alright. What can I do, sir?"

"I am sending you out on a mission. A large group of Hollows has appeared on the outskirts of the Seireitei and they need to be exterminated." I nodded, trying not to show my excitement too much. Finally my first mission. It seemed easy enough, but still, I had to start somewhere.

"Very good sir," I said. "Consider it done."

"Hm," he grunted softly in response. "You have one hour to prepare yourself to leave; it is going to be a long journey, so be prepared. Renji will meet you at the South gates to depart." I stilled.

"Renji?" Byakuya's eyes narrowed a fraction.

"Yes. Is that going to be a problem?" He was testing me. I gritted my teeth, feeling the pressure deep in my jawbone.

"No, sir." He gave me a tight nod and walked off. My body sagged; I couldn't tell if I was more angry or sad, but either way I was nervous as hell. Now, not only was I going to be tackling my first mission, but I had to do it with Renji by my side. I exhaled sharply and started off towards my room.

Well, well. Looks like you have no choice but to face the boy, now, do you?

"Your color commentary is not appreciated, Shokyakuro." He let out a low chuckle.

I guarantee you I will not be able to help myself. So you either have to deal with it, or you're going to have to leave me on a chair again.

"Tsk. Low blow."

—

Renji was already waiting for me at the gate when I arrived. I watched as his eyes found mine and surveyed my body carefully; it didn't look quite like he was checking me out, but rather, just … checking me. Checking to make sure my body was still intact. I felt my side tingle lightly, the psychological association working its way through my nerves. I reached his position and stood at attention to face him — the dutiful third seat addressing her lieutenant. He simply stared. I couldn't help but notice how much space there was between us. It felt like a bit more than a standard professional distance.

"You ready?" He asked tightly.

"Yes, sir." His eyes searched my face, for what, I wasn't sure. He nodded to the gatekeeper, and the two of us stepped beyond the barrier and started off towards our destination.

—

We traveled in silence — only the sounds of our feet against the ground and the birds above to accompany us. Renji walked a few steps ahead of me, leading the way. I had never been outside of the Seireitei like this; I was filled with a mixture of nervousness and excitement. I couldn't help but take in my surroundings with a bit of wonderment. It was so different here and I just wanted to try to inhale every detail of it that I could. Even the air felt different here.

The sun was beating down on us, directly above our heads in the sky. I wiped at my brow with the back of my hand and reached into my pack to grab some water. I practically moaned at how refreshing it felt in my mouth, pouring down my throat. I guess I hadn't quite realized how thirsty I was. I wasn't sure how long we had been walking for, either, but by my level of dehydration I guessed it had been longer than I realized. I wondered if Renji had realized it.

"Do you … want some water?" I asked tentatively.

"No," he snapped almost instantly. I frowned, immediately regretting even opening my mouth in the first place. "I mean … no, thank you."

"Okay." I tossed the water back into my bag and continued on behind him in silence. The further away from the Seireitei we got, the more unnerved I felt. The sun sunk lower and lower into the sky as we navigated the unfamiliar territory. Renji seemed to know where he was going, which was good, but I had to make sure we didn't get separated at any point; I had an unfortunately terrible sense of direction. Every now and again I would slow my pace to try to commit some kind of landmark to memory, hoping maybe that would help me to get my bearings a little bit. I doubt I could recall them at this point but it didn't hurt to try.

I was too caught up in trying to locate a new landmark to notice that Renji had stopped walking. I would have kept walking past him had I not slammed right into his solid back.

"Ow …" I groaned, rubbing my nose.

"We should set up camp for the night," he said without turning around.

"But … the sun hasn't even set."

"Yeah, I know. But the Hollows don't come out until the dead of night. We need to get some rest before we go looking for them." He walked to a nearby tree stump and began to unpack what I assumed was our camp from his bag.

"Can I — do you need help?" I asked softly.

"No, I'm good."

"Okay," I said, trying desperately to hide the frustration in my voice. "I'll go try to find water, or something." He simply grunted in response. I sighed and stalked off. Luckily, from the place Renji had picked for us to settle down, I could see a small stream off in the distance. At least I knew I could manage getting us water and making it back without his help.

I knelt at the creek as soon as I reached it and splashed some of its cool water onto my face. I shook the droplets off, a few running down my neck as I did, and groaned. I was thankful the stream was far enough away that Renji wouldn't be able to hear me.

Off to a good start, I see. I groaned again, louder this time; it was almost a growl at this point.

"He's just infuriating!" I lamented, burying my face in my hands. "I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do."

This isn't a social call. You're here to do a job. So do it.

"Yeah, I know … but how am I supposed to do my job if I can't communicate with my partner?"

You don't need him, we can handle this on our own, without him.

"Even if that's true —"

—it is.

"Even if that's true … I can't keep doing this with him. I don't want to keep doing this with him. I'm tired of feeling this way, and honestly I'm tired of missing him."

You barely know the boy. Who cares?

"I care. I know I haven't known him for long; I haven't known anyone here for very long," I said, staring up at the sky. "But that doesn't mean I don't already feel connected to people. Bonds aren't always reliant on time — sometimes they're just … there. There isn't an easy way to describe it. And I can't deny that even just that first day I spent with Renji was special. For whatever reason, it hit a place in my heart and I just can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to shake him."

Hm. You're too emotional. I rolled my eyes. After filling my water I stood from the bank, giving my legs a much needed stretch.

"You're probably right, Shokyakuro," I said. "Not sorry about it, though."

One day you will be, I promise you that.

I paused, taking a second to debate whether or not I wanted to ask what he meant. Though his words piqued a slightly fearful curiosity, I said nothing further and stalked back to camp. By the time I reached Renji, he had already set everything up and lit a fire. He glanced up from the blaze when he heard me approach, the ground rustling beneath my feet, but promptly averted his gaze once he was sure it was me. I sighed out and was surprised to feel my anger had been replaced with hurt. He still could barely look at me, let alone speak to me. And there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it.

I tossed my bag on the ground near the fire and sat down next to it, across from Renji. Trying to stop myself from staring at him, I found myself staring into the fire, instead. Even before Shokyakuro had become my partner, I had always loved fire; I found it strangely comforting. While the people around me always feared its destructive power, I instead always found myself admiring its beauty.

Fire was life itself.

The way it flickered, changing colors, changing directions — it seemed to breathe as it moved. I loved spending time around grandfather's Ryujinjaka, which was probably why he liked me so much; while everyone around him cowered in fear, I was the only one other than grandfather who loved to be around him.

I would always find comfort in fire.

I brought my knees in and wrapped my arms around them, letting my chin rest atop. Because of the silence between me and Renji gnawing at my insides, I was thankful for the comfortable crackling of the fire to fill the air. I hugged myself tighter and closed my eyes, letting its warmth wash over my body. I just needed to relax. Shokyakuro was right — this was a job. Just a mission, and nothing else. If Renji didn't want to talk to me I was just going to have to deal with it. I just needed to do my job.

"Katsumi …" I heard Renji call quietly from across the fire. I lifted my head to look at him. His eyes were still fixed on the flames, the reflection in his eyes almost making them glow. He wasn't looking at me … had I imagined him saying my name?

"Y-yeah?"

"I'm … I'm sorry." I couldn't hide the surprise on my face. I shifted my posture to better ground myself.

"You're sorry?" I echoed. "Sorry for what?" His eyes slid to meet mine.

"I'm sorry for hurting you so badly in our fight. What I did …" He averted his gaze again, unable to look me in the eye any longer. "That never should have happened."

"Renji … you don't have to apologize for that. I know you weren't trying to hurt me."

"But I did," he countered, raising his voice. "I hurt you. Badly."

"I'm fine."

"I saw the scar, Katsumi, you can't lie to me. I did that to your body. I did that to you." His voice went soft again. "It's unforgivable."

"Says who?" I challenged. He looked at me again.

"What?"

"Who says it's unforgivable? I never forgave you because I never felt the need to. You never had anything to be forgiven for."

"But your injury …"
"I couldn't give a shit about my injury, Renji," I yelled. "You want to be sorry for something? Fine. Be sorry for abandoning me for hurting you. Be sorry for shutting me out and for not giving a damn about me anymore because I made a mistake. Don't you think it's bad enough I can barely look at myself now after what I did to you?"

"Wait, hold on …"

"I'm the one who needs to be asking for forgiveness, Renji. I should be on my knees, begging you for it." Renji looked stunned.

"… what?"

"I nearly killed you, Renji. I lost control and you almost lost your life. And if Captain Kuchiki hadn't stepped in when he did, you would have lost your life. I wasn't strong enough to control my own zanpakuto, and my weakness could have cost you your life. I'm the one at fault here, I'm the one to blame," I said, trying desperately to stop my voice from breaking. "Don't pretend like you haven't felt hatred every time you've seen me since then … I know that's why you didn't come to see me when I was in the infirmary. And I know that's why when you finally did, you couldn't stand to look at me — you took one look and ran."
"Katsumi …" his voice was quiet.

"Look, I get it, okay? I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to me anymore, for not wanting to see me. I've never blamed you. Even though it isn't nearly good enough, I'm just … glad I finally got to apologize to you." Renji just stared at me, lips parted slightly, in silence. I bit my lip softly, trying to keep it from quivering; I was working so hard not to cry. I couldn't stand to look at him anymore. I could feel my heart breaking as every word poured out of my mouth, and being that open and vulnerable made my body ache. I had to get away, I had to leave before I broke down. "I think I just need to go for a walk or something."

I latched Shokyakuro to my belt and stood quickly, turning my back to Renji. I had to step away before I lost my cool and made things even worse; he would really never want to work with me again if he just thought I was going to cry every time. I took as deep a breath as I could manage and started off into the woods, despite the darkness and the shitty sense of direction.

Renji's strong arms wrapped around my body before I could even take a step.

His hold on me was fierce, but gentle, like he was trying to be as soft as he could while making absolutely sure I couldn't walk away.

"Katsumi …" he murmured in my ear, leaning his head down to me. "I don't ever want you to blame yourself for what happened, for what I did to you. And I don't ever want you to think there could be anything you could do to make me not want to see you, or talk to you, or be around you." His grip tightened across my chest. "I'm so sorry you ever felt that way."

I felt a tear escape my eye and roll down my cheek; I silently cursed myself for being so emotional. I couldn't help but relax my body back a little into his, though I refused to entirely let my guard down yet. My voice was barely above a whisper when I asked, "then why didn't you come see me? How was I supposed to think anything other than that?"

I saw his knuckles whiten a bit as he grasped tightly at his own arms. It was slight, but it felt like maybe he was shaking just a bit behind me. His chest rumbled against my back as he let out a low growl.

"I was a coward … I couldn't face you. I didn't know how to. I was so damn afraid of you rejecting me or seeing you hate me, that I couldn't bring myself to see you … and when I did, and I saw the scar on your stomach, the scar I gave you …" his voice trailed off. I heard him swallow hard and take a ragged breath. "I can never forgive myself for it. For what I did to you. And I didn't think you ever would either. So … I was just trying to give you your space."

"Renji …" I nuzzled my head a little into the crook of his arm.

"And then I saw you with Ichigo … and I just kind of, I don't know, lost it, I guess. It should have been me taking you to your first meal out of the infirmary, and it should have been me walking you home that night. It should have been me you trusted to be by your side when you were without your zanpakuto. But it wasn't. And I don't have anyone but myself to blame for that."

I dug my fingertips into the tight muscles in his forearms and leaned my head back into his chest, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief when I felt him pull me even further into him.

"I missed you," was all I managed to say.

"I'm sorry Katsumi …" he whispered. "I am so sorry." I shook my head against his body.

"Don't be. It doesn't matter." He exhaled harshly and tightened his grip around me, his arms keeping me caged against his broad chest. I looked up at him as best as I could from the position he had me in and couldn't help but smile — his eyes were closed and though his brow was furrowed just a bit, he was smiling too.