chapter thirteen

I liked working out when the sun was low in the sky and there was a low fog that hung over the reservation and the humidity mixed with my sweat. Bear hung up this old makeshift punching bag that was covered in holes with suspicious material spilling out of it. He threw it up on a low hanging branch on the side of our house and gave me this huge, proud grin and then, about a week later, disappeared into the woods.

With droplets on sweat on either side of my forehead, I threw punch after punch, arms shaking and muscles aching. There was nothing that felt better than the burning in my lungs and the taste of blood in the back of my throat. I didn't know how long I had been out there but was a heaviness in my limbs that had me thinking it was longer than intended. Feeling tired came before feeling sore, and feeling sore came before feeling strong. And lately, I had been feeling pretty fucking weak.

I tried not to look at the trees. I couldn't see them or think of them without seeing Bear and the way he stood at the edge of the trees and ran from me made me feel like there was a hole in my chest. But as I was standing there, throwing punch after punch while the sun kept dipping, I felt like there was something behind me. I could feel it in my spine, my back involuntarily arching every time I felt like there was something close. I didn't turn around to check for two reasons: Bear might have been there, and Bear might not have been there. And I didn't know what to do in either one of those situations.

The bag swung slightly back and forth with each hit, chains creaking and groaning against the branch. I wanted to hit it so hard that the branch would snap, and the punching bag would fall to the ground, finally defeated.

Bear dragged this thing out of the trunk of the car, heaving it through our dirt driveway and onto the grass. And it took him twenty minutes to throw it up on this stupid branch and I had spent every moment since then trying my hardest to knock it down. I missed him. I missed Briah so fucking much. I threw a punch. He was out there in the woods. I threw another punch. My back arched in. I threw another punch by my fist stayed connected and I collapsed, turning to lean my back against the bag and sliding down to the ground. The grass was cool on the back of my thighs and my shoulders were rising and falling.

There was nothing in the woods. I was more disappointed than I was relieved.

I felt sick. It was that compression in my chest that made it harder to breathe. It felt like there was something I needed so desperately that was just out of my grasp, brushing and sparking at my fingertips but never tight in my palm. It hurt, like the pieces of my chest were crumbling away.

I kept thinking about Bear. Not in the way I knew him, with a warm laugh and strong hugs and his protective arm over my shoulder, but in the way other people saw him. With a snarling top lip and a bloody lip and the type of smirk that makes your gut drop.

And I kept thinking about that day, the day I had pushed back into my subconscious that came back and hit me in so hard in the gut it almost knocked me off my feet. One month and one day before he went missing, he yelled. Yelled at the top of his lungs in the middle of the cafeteria while I sat in the corner, alone, watching with wide eyes. I had never heard his voice like that. It was a voice that scared off the authorities figures while people tried to figure out if they should call the cops. And then he started swinging. Wide and swinging punches that ripped open the skin on his knuckles. I don't remember who he was fighting but they got one good shot at his nose. And Bear smiled while the blood dripped down his lip.

And I just stared, fingers knotted and jaw locked while a man in a blue uniform put heavy cuffs around my brother's wrist.

I asked him why he did it: why he started a fight right there for everyone to see, why he was so brutal, why he licked his on blood off his lips. And he said to me, "No one's ever gonna fuck with me again, Remy. And no one's ever gonna fuck with you, either."

"Remy." I turned my head at the sound of my father's voice. He was leaning against the corner of the house, long and skinny face just like my brother's. "Dinner's ready."

I stared. "I'm not hungry."

My dad made a tight little line with his lips and looked off into the woods. I watched his shoulders. "Alright," he said after a moment, and went back into the house to be with his beloved little wife. His wife and his house and her cooking but not his daughter and definitely not his son.

With a heavy breath, I stood, and started slamming my fists into the punching bag once more.

"Do you think Lucos is dead or just hungover?" I asked Bobby as our biology teacher lay head down on his desk, unflinching.

"Dead, hopefully. But more importantly, I think I've exhausted the dating pool in this area," Bobby said, tossing her phone down on the desk. "The fact that I've managed to find as many girlfriends and dates that I did is a miracle. But now the miracle's run out. Remy," she looked at me with grave eyes, "we have to move. How do you feel about New York?"

Bobby looked wrong today. There was something different about her eyes, they were heavy and sagging and free on any makeup, and her skin was blotchy. And instead of one of her cute little outfits she was dressed like me, with a big and faded hoodie and old thrifted jeans. "Why don't you try being single for a while and then cycle back to the first one?" I suggested, tapping my pencil on our unfinished biology worksheet.

She pursed her lips. Those weren't glossy today, either. "Maybe. How long are people normally single for?" she asked in a bouncy little tone and stared off into the corner of the room.

I snorted. "In between relationships? I don't know, probably like three or four months. Maybe just a couple of weeks, depending on how long the relationship lasts." I wished that Bobby would sort out her relationship problems before she came into bio, or least, save them for after, because this was the only class period we had to finish this stupid assignment and I had no idea what any of it meant. And even if I wanted to focus on the life cycle of cells, my head was too clouded with crying faces and harsh words.

But she just groaned and dropped her forehead against desk. "Remy this is the longest I've been single and I'm so bored." She shifted her head and looked at me with a big pout. "I don't know how you unattractive people do it."

I shrugged. "I was actually born beautiful and worked really hard to get ugly so people would leave me alone. It's a lot easier than running through my entire dating pool in less than two years."

Bobby reached over and flicked my arm before straightening up. "Okay, relax, you're not that ugly. If I'm like Cinderella, you're like, Cinderella's third step-sister. Like, you're fine looking and your personality's a little rough but all around you'd probably be a pretty good lay."

"I'm sorry weren't we talking about why you were single?"

"Yeah, but the conversation changed. That's how conversations work. They flow," she explained slowly, stretching out her words. "So, have you ever dated anyone before?"

I snorted. "No."

"Why not?"

"I never cared to. Emotionally intimacy was never my thing. Plus I think that even if someone was interested in me they were too afraid of my brother to ever even look in my direction," I swallowed a little lump in my throat, "and now they're probably too afraid of me."

Bobby scoffed. "I'm not afraid of you."

"Because you've never had to be."

"Or maybe you're not as scary as you think you are." I raised an eyebrow at her, and she gave me a little eye roll. "Whatever. We gotta get you some dick or something though. Being friends with a virgin might hurt my reputation."

And I laughed. "Bobby, I'm not a virgin."

This statement made her eyes pop out of her head and she leaned forward close to me and whispered, "What? You tell me what happened right the fuck now."

I shifted around in my seat and retracted my hands back into the sleeves of my hoodie. "I dunno. It was once, and he was an asshole."

"Tell me."

I let out a heavy groan. "Bear had this group of older friends and after his funeral I was hanging out with a couple of them. There was this one guy and, I dunno he was kind of hot, I guess. We got really drunk and we fucked that night and I didn't give him my number and then he called me a bitch and I never saw him again. I honestly don't even remember his name, and his dick was kind of-"

And in the middle of my sentence, there was a loud screeching, the sound of metal against a linoleum floor. I flinched at the sound, and before I could source it, Embry stormed past my desk with tense shoulders and set eyes. He didn't spare a glance my way, just grabbed the door with white knuckles and slammed it shut behind him.

Lucos jumped out the sounds, raising his head for the first time that period and shouting, "Get back to work, guys!" before dropping his head once more.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Bobby whispered with a sharp exhale. "What the fuck is his problem?" And then her eyes widened and she leaned in close. "Do you think he was listening?"

My eyes fixated on the door. "I dunno," I replied, voice hushed. My heart was pounding in my throat and that weird and painful hole in my chest was growing.

"Dude, you mark my fucking words. One day your mom's gonna find you dead in your bed with your eyelids cut out and it's gonna be him I swear to fucking god."

"He's harmless," I shot back.

Bobby gaped. "Remy, he is psychotic."

"Can you just help me with my fucking worksheet?"

Bobby flinched at my words. And she had this stupid little pout on her face. Not one of those cute girl pouts she did when she wanted something, it was the genuine, grumpy pout of a child who was just scolded. She helped me with my work, but did so in a passive aggressive way. Actually less so passive and more aggressive, calling me stupid at least twice. I didn't really mind or take any offense to it. Bobby put up with my moody and brooding act enough for me to tolerate her acting like a brat.

And, unlike everyone else I knew, Bobby couldn't stay mad at me. We snapped at each other often but it was swallow and by the end of a twenty minute interval she was giggling and throwing good-natured insults my way. Getting along with Bobby felt like getting along with myself, a bubbly, prettier, and much weaker version of myself.

When the bell rang, she grabbed her bag and walked by my side out the door. "Amber called me last night," she confessed, matching my steps. "We stayed up all night arguing. That's why I look like shit right now."

"Which one was Amber again?"

"Wendy's girlfriend."

"Right, and you dated Wendy?"

People stared at the two of us. It was different than when I walked down the hall with Embry. Those looks were stares of curiosity, long and lingering. But these ones were quick and fleeting. And I knew why. People were afraid of Bobby and they were afraid of me. The combination of her harsh and direct bullying tactics and my silent violence must have severely disrupted the high school ecosystem.

"Yeah, I dated Wendy. And then when we broke up, we both went after Amber. But Amber liked Wendy more. And now Wendy's like, constantly trying to flaunt their relationship in my face, and even though Wendy kinda treats her like shit, Amber won't even..." Bobby trailed off, interrupted.

Embry Call stepped in front of us, once again using his broad shoulders to block the hallway. He was staring down at me with such an intensity I had to shift under his gaze. "Can I talk to you, please?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," I replied.

"Alone, I meant," he said, not taking his eyes off of me.

I turned towards Bobby. She was glance back and forth between Embry and I, eyes skeptical and body angled away from him. "You better still have your eyelids in twenty minutes," she said finally, before trotting off in the opposite direction.

Embry turned his eyebrows down. "What does that mean?"

"Oh, she was just being mean," I said, leaning against the wall. "So what's up?"

Embry smiled a little. It was nervous and it didn't reach his cheeks. "Um," he said, and swung his backpack around, unzipping and reaching around in there for something. After a moment, he pulled out a little Tupperware container and handed it to me. I took it in my hands, and turned it around, looking at the blackened contents inside. "Quil said you really like these almond cookies that from a bakery in Seattle. So I looked up a recipe online and I stayed up all night trying to make them. They're not um, I burnt a lot of them. Turns out I'm not very good at baking. Those ones were the most salvageable."

"Thanks," I said. I had to stop moving the container around because every time I did the cookies would crumble apart a little bit more, and they were already almost all broken in half. I held it in my hands and gave Embry a forced smile. "They look...great."

"Look, Remy, I'm really sorry. You were totally right, about everything. I thought I knew who you are, but I don't. And you don't know a lot about me. But I want that to change. I just, I just feel so drawn to you. Even if you aren't what I expected and I can't really predict you, I just wanna be your friend."

I hated the way Embry talked to me, it was real and direct and unavoidable. And I couldn't match it. Even if I wanted to look Embry in the eye and talk to him in the same gentle and caring tone that he used to talk to me, it would come out wrong. It would sound sarcastic and cutting and I thought that's why I wanted to just turn around and walk away. "Um, why?" I asked, chewing on my cheek.

Embry's eyes bore into mine. "I dunno it's just, being around you feels right. Do you get what I mean?"

And when he spoke I became aware of the hole in my chest and how it felt like it was shrinking whenever he spoke to me. "No," I lied, voice steady.

I could see the frustration building on his face. It was strange on his features. "See, I'm getting to know you here. Now I know that you're purposefully difficult."

"Well, at least you know now. You know I have to get to class eventually?"

"Hang out with me Friday night," he said, voice more confident than before.

"Can't. Plans with Bobby."

"Saturday, then," he asserted, and I had to admire his gall.

The crowds around us were thinning as people rushed off to class, but Embry stood firmly in front of me, waiting for an answer. "Why don't you come over tomorrow night?" I said, and a large grin grew on his face.

"Yeah, definetely yeah," he said, but his voice was cut off by the sound of a ringing bell. I pushed off the wall and walked down the hall, away from Embry Call. "I'll see you later then?" he called after me, and I threw my hand up in a lazy wave.

It was raining, droplets fat and loud as they slammed against Quil's windshield. "Are you gonna apologize?" Quil said as he started the car and his windshield wipers squeaked against the glass.

"To who?" I asked, focused on the raindrops.

Quil hit his hands against the steering wheel. "I dunno Remy, everyone? I think you owe literally everyone an apology."

"List off the people you think I should apologize to and I'll list the reasons why I shouldn't," I half-joked.

"Oh my god," Quil said through a hollow chuckle, "Remy, you are insane. You are literally insane."

I dug my fingernails into my cuticles as he started pulling out of the parking lot. "Can we not talk about this kinda thing today? I'm kinda," I started, but never finished. The rain was so loud against the car and the radio static was low. Quil drove slowly and the mud under his wheels fought against him. I wasn't in the mood to argue with Quil. I would never be in the mood to argue with Quil. He was too much like Bear and the tone in his voice was harsh like his.

But Quil was too annoyed to stop. "Don't try to make me feel bad for you when I'm mad," he warned.

"C'mon Quil, don't be mad," I pleaded, tone light. "Look, I'll apologize, okay? I'll apologize to Seth and Jacob for being mean and Embry's coming over tomorrow night so I'll say sorry for yelling at him then. Okay? Don't be mad at me, Quil."

He gave me a look. "You're hanging out with Embry tomorrow?" I nodded, and he shook his head. "That smooth bastard," he mumbled to himself. "Listen, Remy that's all great and everything, but you should really be apologizing to Kim."

"For what? I was being nice! All I did was give her a fair warning." Quil frowned at me. "I'm serious, though. I wish everyone would just leave that situation alone. She's the one who keeps pushing it."

Quil frowned his big brother frown and sighed his big brother sigh and kept his eyes straight ahead. "That's not really gonna be an option, Remy."

"Can we just please not talk about this? I'm so exhausted of constantly having to address conflict with everyone."

"Maybe you should stop creating conflict then," Quil said, exasperated. And then he looked over at me with soft eyes. "Look, I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but I have to listen to this crap like constantly. From everyone. And this combined with Jake's nonstop complaining over Bella? Remy, I can only take so much of this shit. And if someone would just suck it up and apologize, then this whole shit would just stop."

"For some reason, I don't think it would end at that."

"Well can you at least promise me you'll stop threatening to kick Kim's ass? And promise that you won't ever actually do it? Can't even imagine how that would end," he said the last part mostly to himself.

I put my elbow on the dashboard and extended my pinkie out towards him. "As long as you promise to stop being mad at me."

Quil looked back and forth between me and the road before latching his pinkie finger onto mine. "Fine. But I reserve the right to get mad again later."

(original a/n) im kinda eh on this chapter but the next one gets a little bit better. actually, the next two have some good things in store. who do yall think bear got in that fight with ! i had to change the rating to m bc i realized the content in this story is v intense. manypies, u have my heart. thanks for reading everyone. one review=one pet for my cat. lov u see u later.

also, i noticed all of my oc's (remy, bobby, and briah) are all chaotic neutral. embry is neutral good, and quil i think is chaotic good. thots?