John waited for several long minutes before he decided that this just wasn't in his best interest. Eva kept drawing him in and then pushing him away. There was no real chance at healing if he was going to keep letting his heart be broken. "Thanks for dinner." John tossed his napkin on the table as he stood. Avoiding eye contact he started to leave.
"John, please," Eva grabbed his attention. The sad look in his eyes mirrored what she felt deep inside. "You can't imagine how hard this is for me. I can't just dissect myself on the spot for a virtual stranger. I said something stupid. I'm sorry." Eva stood but didn't move toward him.
John let out an exasperated sigh. If anyone knew how hard it could be, he did. She'd asked him very much to do the same thing at the end of their relationship. All those years of avoiding or burying his feelings had obscured any real truth. It was his inability to open up with her that ultimately brought about the end of their relationship. "Actually, I do know."
Eva frowned. 'Why are you fighting this? Just let him go!' A familiar voice in the back of her mind was screaming at her. It was the same voice she'd been listening to for so long. The same voice who comforted her was the same voice that pushed everyone away. If she kept on listening, she knew that very soon she would truly be alone. "Fine. Just go." The words that came from her mouth were not what she felt in her heart, but she didn't know what to say. The truth was painful and better left unspoken.
Eva expected him to say something, but he hadn't. The warm friendly face that she was starting to enjoy was now devoid of all emotion. It was too much for her to bear. If he was going to leave, she wasn't going to watch. She sat back down with her elbows on the table and her head in her hands. The sound of his departing footsteps was not something she could ignore. Hot tears burned at the corners of her eyes and slid down her cheeks.
'Why does this hurt so much?' She stifled the audible sound of her cries as much as she could. The sound of soft jazz played softly in the background and drowned out the sound of her cries. When she was finally aware of the music, she quickly wiped at her tears. Looking down the length of the table confirmed her suspicions, John had left his phone during his sudden departure. Resolved not to be a weeping mess when he returned, she wiped at her face with her napkin careful not to smudge her mascara.
Five minutes passed. Ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Then it dawned on her that he may have just forgotten…or worse, remembered but didn't care to return. "Happy Thanksgiving," she looked down at the plate in front of her. Her appetite was now completely gone. Rising slowly, she took her plate and walked over to John's and grabbed it. Idle hands would only make her feel worse, so she would clean now and then pass out on the sofa.
As she walked into the kitchen, she was already making a plan to donate the excess food. Going out was the last thing she wanted to do, but there was surely a needy someone out there who would take this food off her hands. Startled, she looked sharply to her right as she picked up movement just on the edge of her vision. "Who?!"
John had pushed some food out of the way and was not sitting on the counter with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He was aware of her presence, but he didn't move to acknowledge her being there.
Eva smiled inwardly at his gall. Yelling for him to get off her countertop was the first thing she wanted to do. Then she wanted to ask him why he was still there. She opted for neutral instead of angry. After it was clear that he was ignoring her, she returned to the dining room to finish the task she started. The calm that was inside of her was disturbed by his continued silence. He hadn't made any moves other than to take the occasional sip of whiskey even as she cleaned around him.
"Your phone is on the table. I trust you can see yourself out." Eva relented. The game of silent waiting was a test of wills, and was the first to give in. The cleaning was finished and the weariness was really starting to set in. All she wanted to do now was curl up on the sofa and watch football. There was also a pint of ice cream and a whole pie calling out to her. She could wait until he was gone to drown her sorrows.
John still didn't speak, so she left him to his thoughts. 'Why are you leaving him alone in your house? Shouldn't you be throwing him out on his ass?' The angry voice inside of her was only getting louder. This time she was too tired to care or listen. The sofa was warm and welcoming just as she expected. Before she wrapped up in her blanket and settled in, she removed her boots and tossed them toward the shoe rack. Turning on the tv would have been the next step, but John appeared suddenly and sat on the table in sofa and tv.
For some reason, he was holding a deck of cards. He sifted though the cards quickly and picked one that seemed random. He held it out to her, but she didn't take it. Instead, she looked at him with an angry scowl. This was hardly the time for games. When she didn't take the card, he flipped it over to reveal the seven of clubs.
"Before, you asked me about this," John spoke softly. "You asked why I broke up with my last girlfriend." Overreaction was probably an understatement for what happened earlier. He was on the cusp of storming out when he challenged himself to get closer to her. The apology she offered seemed genuine, but her words still cut him deep. She probably had no clue of the hold she still had on him.
Eva had to think about it for a moment before she caught on. "You already settled that one with a shot of whiskey or did you forget the rules?" It wasn't very ladylike, but she hiked her dress up so that she could fold her legs up on the sofa.
"Well, I asked you to bare your soul to me. It's only fair if I can do the same too." John placed the deck of cards down on the table. He counted five slow measured breaths to calm himself. "After my fiancée Caitlyn was murdered, I decided that I was just always meant to be alone. I kept to myself and didn't let anyone in. There were some close calls, but I'd done well at protecting myself. Then all of a sudden you come along," he paused for a moment. "Evangeline came along and changed all of that."
Thoughts of the whiskey he enjoyed before were creeping into his mind. Drunk honesty was better than nothing, but that was just another way to obscure the truth. No matter how difficult the words were, he would finally get them out right this time.
"Even if I wasn't ready for it, she made me start thinking about myself, my life and what I wanted. After we were over, I took the easy route and got caught up in a series of complicated relationships. The last one was with a woman named Marty." He searched her eyes to see if there was any hint of recognition. The look of curiosity and interest were hints that the name didn't ring a bell. "Long story short is that we had a lot in common. She was a widowed single mother due to violence, like my mother. She had also lost the person that she intended to spend the rest of her life with, like I had."
Eva listened carefully trying to tie the new information to old. She remembered the story about his father, but the bits about his fiancée were less familiar. There had been a mention of a Caitlyn in Evangeline's diaries, so she made a mental not to read those over later.
"She was hurting like I was, and we wanted to fill those voids for each other. I wanted to be the father to her son that no one was for me. I wanted to be the husband that would protect her. But, in the end, the very things that attracted me to her were the things that pushed us apart. Turns out you can't build a strong relationship based on a mutual understanding of pain."
Eva shrugged in response. The mere idea sounded ludicrous to her, but she understood what grief could do to people. If only to have a visible reminder that Evangeline was still technically alive, the Williamson clan kept reaching out to Eva even though they cared little for the woman she had become.
"I know it sounds dumb, but that's what I've always done. I've always protected others. I wanted to be all of these things for her, but I never really thought about what she should be to me. When I thought about it, I knew it never going to work with me just being a stand in for the man she lost. I could never replace him, like she could never replace Caitlyn." There wasn't a whole lot more beyond that, but a deep dive was not appropriate for the moment.
Eva nodded that she understood. "I guess I can understand that."
He shrugged and moved from the table to the sofa beside her. "It's hard to tell the truth when you have to place the blame on your own shoulders. But there's still more, right. You wanted to know about a couple other things…Who was the love of my life? Why was I relieved when my relationship with Evangeline was over?"
All the questions he was referring to now were the same questions she'd asked him about weeks before. It was impressive that he even remembered, but it was also an indicator that she might have hit a nerve. Eva looked over at him and wondered how much truth he was willing to reveal.
John stretched his arm across the back of the sofa. "You are not the only one who has asked about the love of my life or one true love. Stuff like that is just made up for those Lifetime movies." It had been years since he'd been subjected to those sappy films, but they were Caitlyn's favorites. She was a hopeless romantic. "People ask and the easy answer is Caitlyn. Afterall we'd still be together…if things were different. I never went out looking to get into a relationship, but I can tell you that no one wants to compete with a ghost. How could you even try? Then if I say that it wasn't Caitlyn, what does that say about my relationship with her? She's gone because of me."
"That is actually refreshingly honest." Eva gave him an encouraging smile. From what she gathered from Evangeline's diaries, any sort of love talk was basically off the table. She wouldn't put words in his mouth, but it sounded like he felt guilty. The position was impossibly difficult. Either way he would be damned by his own admission.
The understanding look on Eva's face pushed John to go further. It was ironic that he was finally able to open up, but Evangeline wasn't actually there to appreciate what she had helped him accomplish. Of all the woman that followed Caitlyn, she was the one who pushed him the most. Patient understanding was only met with stubborn silence or avoidance, so eventually she gave up. He couldn't blame her for walking away when he had been pushing her away for months.
"And if all of that love crap wasn't complicated enough, there's Evangeline. Powerful, successful, determined, desirable, beautiful. She could have had any man that she wanted, and she chose me. Talk about an ego boost, right? But it was a double-edged sword. The more she wanted me to heal the more I pushed back. I pushed her to end it because I was falling so hard that I wanted to be that man she deserved. Everyone got in my head with all the talk about what I brought to the table and what I could do for her career. I start to realize that she doesn't need me for anything. She was successful before me and would be successful after me. Then all those good feeling started to turn bitter. Why was she asking me to change when she was just going to leave anyway? When it was over, I was relieved that she could find the man who could give her what I couldn't; relieved that I was right to protect myself because she left me." The pain of their breakup was still an unhealed wound. Often when he was alone, John would dream about the life that they could have had together. Then he'd quickly remind himself that she was always out of his league. There was never going to be anything more than an unrealistic dream and a lifetime of regret.
"So, just one big self-fulfilling prophecy. You wouldn't get closer to her, which ended your relationship, because you knew she would eventually end things with you." Eva repeated it just so she could make sure it was just as silly as it sounded. "Sounds like you really shot yourself in the foot on that one."
"It made sense at the time," he countered. "The alternative was being this better man and having to think about a future that wasn't what I planned with Caitlyn. I didn't want to be ready for that." John studied her face. Evangeline would have been elated to have this discussion with John, but instead he was here with Eva. There was no telling what she was thinking.
Eva blew out a slow breath. This man was definitely complicated, but then again who wasn't. She knew for a fact that Evangeline had her secrets that she kept under wraps, and Eva had her own as well. It was a sign of growth and trust to be vulnerable to others. For better or worse, Eva would further open up to John.
Eva shifted and grabbed the blanket to drape over herself. "If Evangeline is anywhere in there, I'm sure she's happy. You opened up to me, John, and I appreciate it."
John smiled slightly as he wiped his hand down his face. The sentiment was nice, but he wasn't opening up just for Evangeline's sake. "I overreacted before. Maybe you can consider that as an apology."
"Not that it wasn't justified. If I'm mean all the time, it's hard to tell when I'm legitimately making a joke. I'm surprised that you're even here at all." Eva fidgeted with the blanket and avoided looking him in the eyes.
"I can see that you're hurting. I wasn't the friend that Evangeline needed before and now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make up for that. I know you don't want to hear it, but I see her when I look at you. I miss her." John fluffed the hair on the back of his head. If ever there was a reason for Eva to be pissed, this was it. He wondered if anyone had ever gotten close to her or if everyone just stayed near hoping for a glimpse of Evangeline.
"Well, she's not all gone." Eva wasn't exactly thrilled to hear John's words, but unlike others he wasn't pushing her to be the woman that Evangeline was. "I've been getting a fair amount of praise and critique on how I handled the situation with that student; it's been more good than bad though. I'm taking all this credit and it wasn't even me."
"You saved his life. Don't downplay that." John too was always humble, but that didn't seem like Eva's style to John. Either way, the world needed more decent people like them.
"I was there, but I wasn't in control. That was her…that was all her." Eva looked at him sincerely. "The day you came by and saw me out of sorts was her too. I couldn't understand this intense need in me to help this kid. I felt a little sad that his life was basically over, but she was screaming at me from deep down inside to save him. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. Eventually, I realized that I wasn't going to get another moment of peace if I didn't at least try to do something. Then when it was all over I was happy, of course, but I felt this incredible peace. I can barely even describe it."
John tried not to let any excitement show on his face. This was probably a very good sign. Evangeline was still in there fighting. "Well, you're here, so you get to take the credit." He wouldn't discount her efforts. Plenty of people know what the right thing is and choose not to do it. Hell, it was why cops were needed in the first place.
"I don't think it'd be right. She truly believes in justice, John. I'm not anywhere near as good a person as she was." Eva had wrestled with that emotion for a while. When she thought of Evangeline, she couldn't help but think she should be doing more to bring her back. Her contributions to the world would definitely more meaningful than anything Eva could achieve.
John put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently. "She was one hell of a woman. I was always impressed by her determination. I know a lot of that passion was driven by the injustice visited on her father. Without that strong connection, I can see why it may not be so important to you. End of the day, you just need to be you."
Eva smiled as his encouragement. No one had ever told her to just be herself. "You are definitely in the minority with that thought." Eva thought of her family and remembered again their dislike for John. They easily convinced her that he was just another stop along the way, but Eva was starting to question that. The story about Evangeline's father was extremely personal. It didn't seem right that she would share something so intimate with someone that she didn't care about.
"That's a surprise. I'm normally right on the same page with your family." Their shared laughter filled the room. The tension that lingered before had now faded. "They just want what's best for you."
The statement left a bad taste in her mouth and it showed on her face. "They want what's best for Evangeline. They want her back at any cost. If I was gone tomorrow, not one of them would miss me."
"I know Lisa and Layla, so I'd find that so hard to believe." John spoke what he thought was the truth. Why wouldn't her family just be glad that she was alive at all? Her recovery from an extended coma was miraculous.
"Would you believe that she wanted me to go to law school?" She watched for his reaction. There was no hint of surprise of his face. "She was convinced that it would stimulate my memories, so she reached out to some guy Evangeline used to date. He pulled some strings and got me into an online program where I would be a nontraditional student. They were legitimately surprised when I declined their offer. As if I could just step into that would without any passion or desire to be there and succeed."
"Sounds like something Dennis would do." The thought crossed his mind that maybe some in her family were trying to control Eva they way they couldn't control Evangeline. "It sounds harsh, but I'd still give them the benefit of the doubt."
"Psh, why? Evangeline's family does not like you. Layla seemed to be the most neutral, but she parroted a lot of the bad stuff that Cris said about you." Eva wasn't intending to be cruel, but sometimes that's how it came out when she was direct.
The knowing look on his face was telling. There was probably nothing he could do to change their opinion about him, so he wouldn't waste too much thought on them. "I know."
"No, I don't think you do. Lisa especially dislikes you. You must have wronged her in another life because she has never once said anything positive about you. I know you saved Evangeline's life, but she even put a negative spin on that. Don't defend her, John." Eva's fondness of Lisa started to wane as Lisa continued to push for Evangeline's return.
"I know better than you think." John's patient smile was an indication that he was over this topic. He didn't want to say anything bad about her family, but if she kept pushing something would surely come out. "They're just very opinionated. I won't hold that against them."
"I'm surprised that you accepted that 'we speak our minds' crap." She thought for a moment and then it made sense. He probably just took their abuse silently because it was just another form of suppressing his emotions. "Well, I didn't buy that. In more colorful words, I just told them that was code for 'we're rude assholes with no tact.'"
"In more colorful words?" The language that she used was already pretty harsh. The vision of woman clutching their pearls crept into his mind.
"Needless to say, people don't just let their gums flap around me. They may be family, but I don't know them like that." Eva smiled fondly at the memory.
"So, I'm guessing you didn't tell them about feeling like Evangeline was in control." John steered the conversation in another direction. He felt guilty for enjoying the thought of Eva putting Evangeline's family in their place.
"Yeah, that's definitely a no. Lisa would have been on a plane out here so fast insisting that I get back into memory care rehabilitation." It was hard for Eva to keep that secret inside. Something had changed inside of her, but she didn't have anyone to talk to about it…at least until now.
Nodding that he understood, John shifted on the sofa. Part of him wondered why she wasn't still in the process of recovering her memories. The topic seemed far to delicate to broach at this juncture, so he left it alone.
"I know that look." She grabbed a throw pillow and hit him with it softly. "It's not that I don't want her to come back. I've just had a hard time coming to terms with who she was. At first, I was impressed by her. I really tried to make a recovery, but it didn't work. Then I had to face everyone's disappointment and I wanted to give up. No matter what I did, it was never enough for them. 'Oh, you're taking a day off from therapy? Evangeline would never do that. Is that a new hairstyle? Evangeline never wore her hair like that. That's what you're wearing? Evangeline would never wear that."
To John, it sounded like a difficult situation all around. They were doing everything in their power to bring Evangeline back. Unfortunately, their aggressive tactics had pushed Eva away. "Sounds tough."
"After a while, I just started to hate her. I know it's at least part of the reason why I blew up on everyone. Kind of like I decided that she would never come back if she didn't have anything to come back to." Eva was embarrassed by the way she reacted. The damage was done, though. Now she had to live with it.
"Guess that makes sense." His heart hurt at her admission. It just wasn't fair that she'd suffered so much. "Evangeline is strong though. A lot of people disliked her because they never took the time to get to know her. Her job was never just a paycheck. I'm sure you understand what I mean."
"I definitely do now. That whole situation forced me to take a look at myself. She was nothing short of incredible. Everything that I grew to hate about her was just stuff that other people told me. When I think about it now, I wonder how well any of those people really knew her. I never took the time to get to know her myself because I relied so much on others. That was my mistake." It was still hard for Eva to stop fighting against her better judgement, but she knew with time it would only get easier.
The two years of angry Evangeline was surely challenging for the people who were closest to her, but John was still incredibly impressed. In very Evangeline like fashion, Eva had confronted a difficult truth about herself. What she did in a couple of years had taken John decades. "So, what happens next? For you? For her."
"I'm going to start loving myself; all of myself." Eva paused to find the right words. "That man that did this was set on taking Evangeline's life, but I was the one who was trying to kill her. He reduced this powerful woman into an angry recluse. He succeeded in ruining her, but with my help."
"Do not put any of the blame on yourself for what happened." John's voice was low and direct. Not many days went by where he didn't think of Tate Harmon. Jail was too good for him, but it was better than the easy escape of death. On a few occasions, John had seriously considered committing a felony just so that they would be locked up together. He wanted to make that man's life a living hell.
"I decided on who I would become. I'm not a horrible person, but I'm not a good person either. I don't have Evangeline's legal talents, but I have others. I have my students. I should be working hard to make a difference in every one of their lives, but instead I've been wrapped up in my own teenage drama. I should be a better friend. I should be a better person." She saw John shaking his head in disagreement, but she wouldn't back down. "It takes a lot of effort to be as angry as I was. I was so focused on not doing things the Evangeline way that I was spiting myself. I acted out of fear, but I can't live like that anymore. I won't. I'm going to be the best me that I can. Maybe that means I'll be a lot like Evangeline and maybe it won't. Either way, I'm not going to let that man's hatred control me."
This was a watershed moment for Eva, and John was happy to be a part of it. All he ever wanted was for Evangeline to be happy. Now that Eva was well on her way to making meaningful changes in her life, he knew everything would be okay, even if the Evangeline he knew was lost forever. "I'm really happy to hear it. Just know that if you ever feel alone in this, you're not. I was Evangeline's friend, but I can be yours too. No pretense. I just want to get to know you."
"I'd like that. I really want to get to know you too, John." There was more there than Eva was willing to admit right now. He made what she thought was a sincere offer, and she would not turn him down. "Thank you…thank you for listening and for wanting to know me."
"You don't have to thank me." It wasn't exactly true that there was no pretense. He wanted to be there for Evangeline when she needed him even if she couldn't appreciate the sentiment. He told himself that's all it was. Then he felt Eva's arms wrapped around him in a hug.