Hello again! Thank you for returning to my story! I'm excited for this chapter-Nevermore was one of my favorite episodes to Teen Titans. I also am taking a part from my previous story, Where Loyalty Lies. All you need to know is Raven was connected to a psychically-linked race and experienced the instantaneous genocide of a whole race while still in their mind. (Dark, I know, but this story isn't like that-though this chapter will deal with some heavier topics.) Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. I don't own Teen Titans or any of its wonderful characters.
Chapter 14: Nevermore 2.0-(11)
"Azarath Metrion Zinthos. Azarath Metrion Zinthos. Azarath Metrion Zinthos." Her breath was steady, her mind blank. Finally a moment to herself. Raven continued her meditation, the world melting away. Knock-knock. The world rushed back to her all at once. Raven sighed-it was a good meditation while it lasted. "Raven?" Kori's soft voice called from behind the door.
"Come in, Kori'andr."
The door opened to reveal a shyly smiling Kori. She gave a friendly waved to the empath. "I hope I did not disturb anything." You did.
"No, I was finishing up." Raven stated, lowering her hood to let her know she wasn't upset.
Clapping her hands together, Kori's grin grew more confident. "Glorious! I was just wondering if you would like to come and spend the girl time together with myself and Friend Karen. It could be most enjoyable!"
Raven paused, looking into Kori's imploring eyes. It had been a while since they've spent time together. Lips quirking at her best friend, she dipped her head. "Sounds fun." With a start, she noticed Kori smile but furrow her brows. "What is it?"
"Oh, it is just you never used to do these types of engagements such as the girl time in the past but lately it seems you seem most willing to join almost all the time!" Huh. That was not what Raven was expecting-but the Tamaranean was right. Feeling heat raise to her cheeks, Raven ran her fingers through her hair, (a habit she had developed since defeating her father when she was sixteen) and give Kori a shy smile as the two friends went to go to 'girl time'.
A couple hours later, Karen, Kori, and Raven were all sitting around a table in the food court at "The Mall of Shopping." Raven glanced down at her pale skin, a creamy white due to the halo ring she was wearing. Looking back up, she smiled softly to herself seeing Karen and Kori (well, their halo-ringed selves) laughing and talking about a humorous story of Dick and Victor struggling to capture a mysterious 'monster' that turned out to be Wildebeest shopping for a new bathing suit. Karen snorted as Kori mimicked each Titan. "Oh, Raven! Do you remember when Garfield wore that mask when we first meet him-"
"Hey girl."
All three women swiveled around to stare at a tall, gangly man wearing some strange hoodie with a character Raven vaguely recognized from Garfield's videogames. "Can we help you?" Karen asked, quirking an eyebrow. Barely flicking his eyes over to her, he appraised Raven with an intensity that made her skin crawl.
"So what's your name?" Raven just narrowed her eyes at him, flipping her black hair (from the halo-ring) over her shoulder. She didn't say a word, waiting from him to leave. "Shy, huh? That's okay. I love goth girls. Want to go get a coffee over on 9th street?"
Irritation flared through her. Mentally chanting her mantra, she shook her head. "Sorry, not interested."
"What? Playing hard to get? Come on-it's only for a few minutes."
"No." Raven continued to chant her mantra in her mind. His was inappropriate-how could he be so aggressive? He didn't care about her-he just wanted to score.
"Come on-what if I took you to dinner? I'll treat you real nice?"
Suddenly multiple lights exploded around them, causing the guy to jump in fear. Raven felt a (very) slight dip of guilt before her anger returned. "When I say no, I mean no. That goes for any woman. And I have a boyfriend, so I wouldn't ask again if I were you or I won't be so nice."
The guy stumbled back, looking at her with fearful eyes. He began to gasp unintelligible things, making Kori giggle (though she tried unsuccessfully to disguise it as a cough.) Stuttering something inaudible, the guy turned tail and raced away. The three women burst into laughter, Raven actually letting her emotions go for a moment. It felt unnatural yet also…nice.
"Girl, that was too good!" Karen laughed, holding her sides. Raven noted that she truly didn't look too different with her halo ring as she winked at Raven. "Though I have to admit, I still want to give him a piece of my mind!" Flipping a braid over her shoulder, she snorted. "Guys just don't respect women AND they only do when there is another guy involved. All you did was mention your boyfriend and he turned tail."
"I think it might have been due to losing control of my powers." Raven remarked, causing Karen to laugh all over again. Kori tucked her head to the side pensively.
"I must admit, Raven, that you would have acted very differently in the past. You are much more…friendly than before." At Kori's words, Raven started. She acted differently? She had felt different for a while. Almost since…
"I have changed, haven't I?" She mused out loud. "I haven't let Garfield change me, have I?"
Instantly, she regretted the words. Of course not-she wouldn't let a relationship define her! But she had been much more liberal with her emotions and even acted differently. She even thought differently. Panic began to well up in her chest. No…she wouldn't…would she?
"Raven? Whatever you are thinking-it is not true!" Kori must have been able to read her expression-since when had Raven been an open book to anyone but Dick?
Karen vigorously nodded her head in agreement. "She's right-just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean your life revolves around Gar! You are independent and always have been. You just are more involved in our lives now! We're just stating how it is a nice change is all! Don't sweat it girl!"
Giving Karen one twitch from the side of her mouth, she looked back down at the half-eaten piece of pizza in front of her. She really had changed. While the change wasn't necessarily bad-it was unexpected. And Raven had to make sure she was in control of her emotions. She couldn't simply continue on as if nothing was new. Noticing Karen and Kori looking at her wearily, Raven quickly dipped her head toward a shop. "Kori, aren't you looking for a new scarf for that dress you bought? I think they are having a sale." Her two friends both let out relieved breathes and decided to go in. As she followed them, Raven made up her mind-there was only one place she could go to ensure she understood what was going on-she had to go to Nevermore.
Later after the women returned home, Raven melted into a shadow before appearing in front of her mirror. She was sure Kori and Karen didn't even know she was gone. Her heartbeat was almost audible (Garfield probably could have heard it with his animal instincts) as she slowly approached the hand mirror. Hand wobbling over the mirror, Raven slowly grasped the handle. Lifting the glass, her reflection frowned back at her. "Azarath Metrion Zinthos…"
It was like being underwater swimming toward the surface. Faster and faster, Raven felt her mind project itself almost as fast as the speed of light. Just as suddenly, Raven gasped for air, grabbing her chest. She sucked in rapidly-it had never been like that before…Blinking rapidly, she noted the dark, starry night with swirling red clouds.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Raven yelped, falling back onto her butt. Wow-was she truly a superhero, just to be frightened by a jump scare? Didn't she live with Victor and Garfield as a teenager? Looking up, she groaned. Her greeting party had arrived.
"What do you want?" She mused, brushing herself off as she stretched to her full height.
Brave, Happy, and Sloth all stared back at her-each face contorted in a strange mixture of relief and frustration. "What do we want? What do YOU want?" Brave thrust her hands over her hips, swishing back her green cloak to reveal her legs. "You've been gone for TWO YEARS!" Two years? Had it really been that long? "I've been babysitting these losers for months!"
Happy threw back her pink hood, beaming at Raven with all her teeth-one reason Raven did not smile at other people. Two words: way creepy. "Oh, don't listen to her! Now that you are here, we can finally have a party! Everyone will get together-it'll be a blast! YAY!"
"No-that's too much work." Sloth groaned, scratching her head through her orange hood. Shrugging her shoulders, she narrowed her violet eyes at Raven. "Though why have you been so active lately? It's like you always are hanging out with Changeling or Beastboy or whatever his name is-can't you just, I dunno, take a break?!"
"You're asking the wrong questions! Where have you been? How long are you staying? And what have you been doing to not take the time to visit-" Brave continued but Raven was done.
"ENOUGH!" She snapped, feeling her powers surge and her cloak to whirl around her ankles. As her eyes dimmed from their white glow, she glared at her emotions. "I'm not here to talk to any of you, I need to talk with Love. Now if you would take me-"
WHOOSH!
Suddenly, dark, brown wooden walls shoot up around Raven and her emotional doubles, causing Happy to squeal (though what delighted her with that, Raven had no idea) boxing them in. Shaking her head, Raven levitated up into the air and instantly hit a barrier. Pain spasmed her body, causing the empath to convulse. The ground rushed at her with blinding speed. At the last moment, she gained just enough consciousness to stop herself in midair. Her nose scrapped the ground, causing her to exhale in relief. That was close-BAM! She slammed onto her face.
"Oww." Well-at least her magic stopped her from falling twenty feet. Standing up, she groaned. "Maybe I'm getting too old for the superhero business." Looking over at her emotions, she noticed Brave thrust her arms over her chest, Happy giggle and clap her hands, and Sloth sigh with boredom. "What are you looking at?"
"You made the walls again?" Happy laughed, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "Can't you just let yourself be happy for once?" Raven balked, what did that mean? Before she could ask, Sloth walked toward one of the walls and ran her hand over its smooth surface. With a shrug, she pulled something out-was that a book? Pulling out the dusty book, she blew it off when suddenly the wall opened up to reveal a cozy library with a roaring fireplace.
"Oh…I did something." Sloth said lazily, slowly reaching to put the book back. Surging forward with her powers, Raven grabbed the book and pulled it into her outstretched hand. "Maybe don't trap us here." She murmured, unsure if the door would remain open if the book was returned. Glancing down at the book, she realized it read 'The Art of Friendship.' Furrowing her brow, she looked back up, slowly made her way toward the warm, lit room. What had Happy meant when she said she made those walls? Weren't those bookshelves of some kind? What was happening? Usually she was in control of her own mind-was her subconscious taking over? Raven bit her lip-now might not be the best time to have an existential crisis.
Stepping through the entryway, Raven examined her surroundings. It was her dream library (or was it real? Sometimes even she didn't understand the intricacies of her mindscape.) She felt more than saw her emotions shuffle in behind her. Before she could tell them to go away and do whatever they do whenever she was not there, she noticed a violet-haired woman in a chair wearing glasses and a yellow cloak. "Wisdom? Did you bring me here?"
The yellow emotion glanced up at Raven from her book over her glasses, appraising her. "No." She simply stated. "You brought yourself here. Do you not remember how this works, Raven? This is your mind. Have you gotten lost?"
"Seems like she lost her mind, huh? Huh?!" Happy nudged Sloth before bursting into laughter, holding her sides. Raven winced-and she thought Garfield had bad jokes.
Rolling her eyes, Raven shook her head before addressing Wisdom. She was the most reliable emotion and second rational choice to discuss the issue at hand. "I came here today to discuss the changes in my character. Love seemed like the most logical choice to speak with about the situation due to the nature of the change." The yellow-clad emotion merely raised an eyebrow, licked her finger, and turned the page of her book. Was she even paying attention? "If you could direct me to her direction, I'll be on my-"
"Love is not the emotion you are trying to seek." Raven looked at Wisdom in confusion-what did she mean by that? Turning to the last page, Raven took a calming breath-sometimes you had to let emotions run their course before engaging with them. With a satisfied sigh, Wisdom closed her book and stood up to face Raven. "Love is not the emotion you need to speak with." Wisdom repeated, gesturing around the room. "There is not a single emotion that you need to speak with."
Rolling her eyes, Raven winced mentally. (Was that even possible if she was already in her mind?) "Am I always this cryptic?"
"Most definitely."
"Hehe-of course you are!"
"Yes."
"Can we go now? I just want to lay down."
The empath realized that more emotions surrounded her-like the time that Dr. Light had released Anger in her mind and she had to combine all her emotions to defeat her demonic side. "So what you're saying is that I have to speak and accept all of you to understand what is causing those changes?"
"Yes. And no." Wisdom stated.
"Do you always have to be so 'Yoda'ish?" Anger snapped, thrusting her hands over her chest. All the other emotions chimed in agreement. For once-Raven was tempted to let Anger take control.
With a huff, Raven agreed. "I don't have time for this." As Raven took a step back toward the portal leading to the real world, her vision went sideways. It was as if someone had struck her with a psionic blast. Knees buckled underneath her. She scrapped her hands, struggling to stay upright. A ringing blasted in her ears. As she opened her mouth to scream, it all suddenly went still. Silence permeated around her. A slight breeze brushed her shoulder-length hair against her cheek. What had just happened?"
Slowly looking up, Raven gasped at the scenery around it. Her stomach instantly twisted-she couldn't believe what she was seeing. She was placed in a quiet, star-lit field of tall, purple grass. It blew gently in the wind, ruffling the blades in beautiful waves. In the distance stood old, alien ruins that slowly crumbled with each gust.
Raven thrust herself onto her feet, backing away quickly. "This is cruel." She whispered to herself. Was it being cruel to herself if it was Wisdom showing her this? "Why did you bring me here?"
"Because it is a part of you." Wisdom merely stated, appearing by her. There was no one else in sight. Raven shivered, pulling her cloak closer to her body. Wisdom was right. The memories she tried so hard to repress came flooding back. That fateful day during the Tamaranean Civil War when Blackfire manipulated a whole alien race using mind-control. Their hive-mind left them susceptible to infiltration and Blackfire controlled the Emperor, who controlled the whole people. Raven had entered his mind, which looked just like the windy purple field around her. She had tried to stop the Emperor and The Nameless Ones (as others called them). She had learned they called themselves 'The Family'. Once Raven realized they were not operating under their own free-will, she helped break the link between Blackfire and the Family. However, Blackfire killed the Emperor with Raven still in his mind. Every member of 'The Family' died instantly. In agony. And Raven experienced each of their deaths yet survived.
She looked around herself, taking in the empty space. It should be filled with members of The Family. "You were not the cause of their fate, Raven." Wisdom spoke, Raven not turning to face her. Of course-if she hadn't broken the connection, a whole alien race may still be alive. But they would still be under Blackfire's control and most likely she and all her friends would be dead. "You saved them from a more terrible fate."
"You're wrong." Raven whispered, the wind carrying away her words. She blinked back a tear. She thought she had moved past this.
Wisdom brushed past her, bumping her shoulder. Gesturing toward the beautiful, foreign landscape, she turned to face Raven. "You seek answers to the changes you have experienced in your life. You believe it is due to falling in love with Garfield. But these changes happened before this. Even before connecting with The Family." Raven sucked in a breath. She was right. She had begun changing even before helping Kori fight her civil war. "This one act-this selfless act where you experienced all the pain and suffering and love and joy of thousands of people-this was the catalyst for that change."
Suddenly, foggy images began to materialize all around Raven. Hitching in her breath, she tried to remain calm. She was in her mind. Nothing could hurt her here…anymore. The shapes slowly began to solidify into ghostly forms. They almost looked like…"The Family." She breathed, eyes wide. Though they were still transparent, it was evident by the purplish hue of their skin and three eyes. Circling around, Raven noticed that there were children holding parents' hands and couples holding on to one another. One form stepped forward. Raven would recognize him anywhere-she had battled him inside his own mind, hadn't she?
"Emperor." She bowed, uncertain what was happened but certain she should still be respectful-even if this was in her own imagination.
"Empath." His deep voice rang inside her head (it was a bit confusing because she was already inside her mind but she choose not to follow that rabbit trail.) He opened his arms wide. "You saved us, Empath. You saved us all from living lives as slaves to that retched empress Komand'r. Our souls and minds are free to roam the Final Peace forever. Do not feel troubled."
Raven started, scratching her cheek. She would not cry. What she had never come to realize was she was still connected to them, even now. She was a part of The Family when they were all massacred as one. "Thank you." She muttered as The Family bowed to her as one and slowly turned to golden smoke, quickly blowing away in the wind.
Turning back to Wisdom, she blinked back tears. "I never knew…I didn't realize I needed that confirmation. That forgiveness." Wisdom nodded in response as they continued through the purple, grassy plains.
"You felt responsible." Wisdom stated, adjusting her glasses as they moved forward. Raven reluctantly followed-she wasn't sure how many more emotional epiphanies she could handle. "The act of being with The Family during their final moments made you more compassionate to others." Wisdom continued, brushing her hand over the tall blades as if caressing them. "However, the change started long before-even before defeating your father or falling in love."
Raven stopped as the world around them suddenly shifted. After the world stopped moving, she was in the beautiful city of Azarath, cathedrals and buildings towering over her. Her heart leapt wistfully-if only…Wisdom turned to face her again, eyes wide with concern. "You have always been changing-even since leaving this place. Your friends, truly your family, have helped you grow. It was gradual at first, but it you continued to grow and change." Gesturing behind herself, Wisdom nodded at her. "Despite accepting love from others, you are still afraid to accept love from yourself."
"Is that why I need to talk to Love?" Raven asked. She felt like a small child-something she wasn't completely comfortable with.
"No." Wisdom stated simply. "You need to talk to someone else."
Wisdom suddenly faded, melting into the ground. Raven gasped as she leapt backward. Wisdom was gone-but someone else stood in her place. It was a woman, cloaked in robes that looked to be made of pure light. It was not one true color that swirled around the woman. Though Raven couldn't completely see her face, it was old and withered with time. This wasn't an emotion she knew-she wasn't even sure it was an emotion. "Who are you?" She asked, taking a step forward.
"I am she." The woman merely answered, her voice barely above a whisper.
Running her fingers through her hair but refusing to hide herself in her cloak, Raven cocked her head. "I don't understand."
The woman turned to face her, Raven finally getting a full view of her face under the hood. The woman was old and malnourished. "You don't have to fully understand." She stated. Suddenly, it clicked. How had she not realized this before?
"You are Self-Worth." Raven muttered, tugging at her hood. She suddenly felt too seen. Too vulnerable. Why was she here? What did she want with her? The woman merely nodded. Raven scrunched her fingers into the fabric of her cloak. "Why?"
Self-Worth smiled, making her skin look stretched and taunt. "You have grown, Raven. You have never been shown love before-not even by the monks of Azarath who feared you and what you would become. Even your own mother kept you at an arm's length." Raven finally let a tear spill out of her eye but quickly brushed it away. "When you received love from your friends, I came into existence-but only just. They saw your self-worth, but only you can find your own."
Her head was spinning. What was even happening? "You're wrong. I'm not worth anything. I was mean, cruel, and treated my friends with contempt for far too long." Another tear streamed down her left cheek. "I destroyed the world. I survived when The Family did not." Her heart ached-why was her mind doing this too her? "I…I'm leaving."
As she turned on her heel, she felt a hand clasp on her wrist. Jerking away, she came nose to nose with Self-Worth. "Let go of me."
"Yes, Raven. Those things happened." She reached up, brushing away the tears that were freely falling at this point. "That is a part of your story. But that is not what makes you 'Raven'." Raven leaned into the touch-the only person to touch her like this was Garfield but this felt different-almost motherly.
With her other hand, Self-Worth took her second finger and gently touched Raven's brow. Suddenly, it was as if a movie playing in fast-forward flashed across Raven's eyes. She gasped, recognizing some of the images and vaguely recalling some of the others. First it was her as a teenager, helping Victor fix his car. She handed him a tool and he grinned at her as she hid behind her hood. It flashed to over a year ago, while Kori was gone to Tamaran. She attended a concert with Victor and hated every minute of it but did it because Kori was supposed to go with him.
The scenes shifted, moving more rapidly. It showed her training with Dick for the first time as a teenager one on one, playing chess with Karen, helping Kori braid her hair and looking through teen magazines about relationship advice Raven had no idea how to give. She saw herself painting with Karen (Karen was an amazing artist that Raven realized she was the one who encouraged her to pursue it.) Then she saw herself sitting in companionable silence with Dick, going to that strange poetry night with Victor and Gar, and going to the mall earlier that day with Karen and Kori. Raven didn't even realize she was smiling at herself.
Suddenly it shifted, showing memories of her and Garfield. She was laughing at his first joke he made around the team and she called him funny. The moment she told him the Beast was a part of him and she vaguely remembered struggling not to reach out and hold his hand. Comforting him after Terra died. Listening to his rants about videogames and even playing with him. The memories even showed the first time they almost kissed, the night of Dick's 21st birthday, where afterward she leaned against the door in excitement and confusion.
Finally, it ended with her stopping her father, Trigon. Using the love from her friends, she defeated him with one final blow of light and the world returning anew.
Gasping for air, Raven felt as if she was struck in the chest. Self-Worth had removed her hands from her face and quietly assessed Raven. Raven blinked rapidly, trying to gain composure. "Do you see, Raven?" She asked, her features slowly smoothing and growing more youthful. "Your friends see you for who you are-someone who deserves love. Someone who is love."
A giggle escaped Raven's lips, something that was an extremely rare occurrence. "I…I don't know what to say. I always let my past define me. I thought I was defining myself."
"You are yourself. You do define yourself-but you aren't just one thing, Raven. You are happy, wise, brave, caring, and so many other things."
"What do I do now?" Raven asked. It was as if the whole world was handed to her and she didn't quite know how to accept this gift.
With a graceful movement, Self-Worth cupped Raven's face again. She gasped, realizing that the hand was suddenly beautiful and young. Raven snapped her eyes to meet Self-Worth's. Lowering her hood, Self-Worth shook out her hair and smiled at Raven. She was in her prime, beautiful and strong. With a jolt, Raven realized it was her own face staring back at her with a kindly expression. Was this truly who she was?
"It will take time. It will take work and you will have to build upon what you have learned here today-but you live, Raven. You live."
Raven smiled, something she felt suddenly free to do. Maybe she would never stop-she truly had changed. "Thank you." She whispered as Self-Worth began to disappear along with all her surroundings. Raven took a deep breath and sighed in relief. She had never felt so relaxed…so free. "Azarath Metrion Zinthos." Opening her eyes as she began to leave Nevermore, she noticed that her mindscape had turned into a beautiful night sky, the aurora borealis lazily gliding across the starry expanse.
The moment her feet touched the ground of her room, Raven felt different. New. What would she do now? She felt a rumbling in her stomach and smiled to herself. Maybe first she would get a meal. Perhaps her friends were already there.
As she entered the Common Room, she noticed all of her friends crowded around the kitchen table, laughing at some joke Karen just told. "There you are! We were wondering where you went!" Dick called, pulling out a seat between him and Garfield. All her friends turned and flashed smiles at her. A new feeling-stronger than anything she had ever experienced before-fluttered through her chest as she glided over to them.
"Yeah, we were about to send out a search party for you! Now come on and sit your butt down and eat your food before it gets cold! I slaved over the stove for hours to cook this meal." Victor chided, thrusting his arms across his chest. Raven let the corners of her mouth twitch upward into a soft smile. Better not freak out her friends with too much emotion at once.
"Friend Victor, you should be more considerate of Raven! You should be nice!" Kori chided him, thrusting her arms across her chest to match his stance. Dick laughed at the cybernetic man sputtering in annoyance.
"Kori, that is him being nice. That's how he shows love." Karen laughed, rubbing her husband's arm.
As the room began to dissolve into laughter and witty banter, Raven quickly slipped into her seat and laced her fingers with Garfield's under the table. He smiled at her, his fang poking out of his lower lip. It wasn't like she hadn't done this before but he must have been able to sense her enthusiasm. Ignoring everyone else, he dipped his head at her. "Hey Rae! Missed you today! How was your day?"
"It was…nice and educational. How was your day, Gar?"
Garfield paused, cocking his head to the side. Keeping a small smile on his lips while everyone around them seemed oblivious to the exchange, he squinted an eye playfully at her. "You're in a good mood. What are you so happy about?"
Unable to resist, she gave him the smile she reserved for him in private. He blinked rapidly as she beamed at him, everyone at the table even stopping in shock to watch her. What was she so happy about? "Myself."
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I reeeeeally enjoyed writing it. Nevermore is such an interesting concept to me and Raven's internal struggle with self-acceptance and expressing emotions is something I find compelling. Also, self-worth is something that people don't realize takes time and effort to grow-it isn't something that will happen overnight. I struggled with self-worth for years personally. I hope this can bring some encouragement for anyone who might be struggling with it now. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thank you for favoriting, following, commenting, and most of all reading this chapter! Please let me know what you think! Until next time!