13
A potion simmered on low heat in the potions lab. Snape sat on a stool playing with a little voody call with big dorky glasses.
" 'My name is Potter! I am SO stupid! I can't dial 911 because I can't find the number 11' "
He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the stool. Then he searched his book, Blonde Jokes, for another joke.
" 'I walked into a building! You'd think I would have seen it!' "
He hadn't had a good laugh in SUCH a long time! The doll had a small malfunctioning clock in the throat which made it appear as though it had hiccups.
" 'Why does Potter tip-toe past medicine cabinets? So he doesn't wake up the sleeping pills!' "
That actually made him fall off his stool.
"When you do that," said Reggie, "does he say those things?"
"Not right now. But when the potion is ready, he will! The only ingredient left to add is a strand of his hair. Do you have it?"
"Yes I have it here."
Reggie put the hair on the table.
"Excellent. Well done."
"Why do you make me run errands?"
"Because you do."
"I don't see anybody else run errands for other Death Eaters."
"You're not a Death Eater. You're still on your trial. That makes me your elder. That's why you get to run me errands. You should be honoured that you get to run errands for the youngest Death Eater ever."
"I've never run any errands for Lucius Junior."
"I meant me! I'm the youngest Death Eater ever."
"I think Lucius Junior is the youngest Death Eater-"
"Lucius Junior is six weeks!"
"Um yeah, that makes him the youngest Death Eater-"
"Babies don't count you moron!"
"I think anyone with a functioning tattoo counts."
"That tattoo was nothing more than a Christening gag. I'm the youngest ever REAL Death Eater to become one on actual merits. So you're lucky to have me as your mentor. If you didn't have me you wouldn't stand a fart's chance in a wind tunnel. You're so naive. You don't understand the core virtues like deceit. It's different from hair care, you see. I sometimes think that maybe purity is a bit overrated"
The timer rang. Snape began to search of a tea towel. While he did that, Reggie swapped the doll for an identical one.
Snape took the cauldron from the stove and removed the lid. He gave it a stir, added the hair, and stirred some more.
"Hohoho! This is going to be awesome!"
He dunked the doll in the potion and watched it absorb all of it. Snape took it out when it had dried.
"Ok let's go to the games room!"
Down in the games room, James was playing snooker with his chums.
"There's King Idiot now," said Snape, "And his knights of the dumb table."
He positioned himself behind the pong machine and spoke while at the same time moving the lose yarn-y lips of the voody doll.
"I líke to wear ladies skirts!"
He would have hoped for some sort of shift in atmosphere, a reaction.
"Did anything happen?" Snape asked Reggie.
"No nothing happened."
Snape tried again.
"My knickers are too tight!"
Again, nothing.
"Ah it didn't work!"
Snape threw the doll on the floor and Reggie gave it a really discrete kick towards the snooker table. A pretty awesome kick actually because it landed on the snooker table and completely screwed up Sirius's move so it was like melting two records with one sun.
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"What ass wang threw that!"
"You have to stop blaming other people for your failings," said James, and grabbed the doll. He couldn't help but notice, what an attractive doll it was, with such dazzling, glamorous specs, too. He fingered those yarny lips.
"I think your hiccups went away," said Remus.
"Hey, yeah! And I was desperate for anyone to put their finger up my butthole!"
The words he had just utters, the same words had just come out of the speakers. Everyone stopped what they were dooing and looked towards the pong machine.
Snape wondered three things: what had just happened, why were everyone staring at him and why was Reggie holding a microphone under his nose.
He dealt with the easiest one first and took the microphone from him,
"Don't shove that in my face! WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN AN ANUS BEAST BEFORE?"
Snape dropped the microphone and stormed out of the games room. He could hear laughter erupting.
"Something went very wrong..."
"What did you think!" said Reggie.
"What did I think? Oh where's that doll..! Are you sure you got the right hair?"
"No!"
"NO? Why the hell do you look so pleased? Did you do it on purpose?"
"Yes!"
"WELL WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO SUCH A WHAT'S THAT THING CALLED THAT HAS NO ASS WANG- AAHHH!"
He banged his head against the wall.
"I thought it would impress you!"
"IMPRESS ME?"
"I deceived you! You said you couldn't be deceived. You always say I know nothing about deceit. Well you were just deceived by yours truly! Ohh...You let me do that, didn't you? Just to make me feel better. Oh it's like letting someone win at chess, sooo patronising. I thought it was way too easy, like you should have noticed the other doll didn't have a clock in the throat. You were just testing me, to see if I had been paying attention."
"You RUINED my POTION!"
"Well... But that was what you intended, right? You set all that up for me, and saw it coming. Right?"
"... Of course I saw it coming! But it was STILL wrong! It was a test, and you failed the test. I asked for enemy hair and you gave me my hair. Just how do you justify that? THEY'RE the enemies, not me!"
"I know that."
"Do you?"
"Of course I do, but.. Well, that's just a scientific fact that they are of purer blood than you, and that means they outrank you."
"They bloody do not!"
"And I know that you're a passionate purist, despite not even being a pureblood, which I think is just fantastic! It just shows that even a mudblood such as yourself can get on board the whole thing! I've wondered sometimes, is it wrong to persecute mudbloods? But when you think it's ok, then that just shows that you don't have to be a pureblood to hold that view, you just have to be reasonable and intelligent! And you're so smart! Perhaps some of you mudbloods have some intellectual capacity after all! Or perhaps you're just exceptional!"
He said all this with a great big smile, as if it was flattery.
"I'm not a mudblood you moron! I'm a halfblood."
"Same thing, innit?"
"It's not the same thing!"
"It's what I've always been told anyway. My dad says the only halfbloods are horses."
"That's not true. I am half pure, which is as good as being fully pure, if the half that is pure, is very pure."
"That's not what I've heard. But I'm sure we can agree that you should be running me errands, because you got one pure half, but I got... two pure halves."
Snape thought he was making it sound moronic on purpose. He didn't like that Reggie was thinking about these things.
"Oh," said Reggie. "I really upset you, didn't I? If I failed the test I am sorry!"
"No, I'm sorry. I'm the one who set up this test that was clearly too advanced for you. I overestimated your intellectual capacity and that means I'm the dumb one."
"Yeah."
"What?"
"It was too advanced for me."
"You did ok. But in the future, whatever you do, never ever target me!"
"I won't. I thought you'd be ok with it, since you're a mudblood."
"I'M NOT A MUDBLOOD!"
"Half mudblood, sorry! The halfwit prince!"
"HALFBLOOD PRINCE!"
He wished he had never thought of that idiotic name.