Christmas at Skeldale House went smoothly. The events of the previous night did not become an issue between them, but whenever their eyes met, they both knew exactly what each was thinking. Audrey pressed her pursed lips, containing her own smiles, although she did not stop blushing a little every time, while Siegfried simply smiled smugly at her. Whether James or Tristan noticed none of them knew to say, but it was a fact that Siegfried had become unable to divert his thoughts from those moments and wondered how it would be like next time, and especially when.
As the days went by Siegfried's hopes gradually diminished. The house never seemed to be at peace again. Helen, Jenny and Maggie always seemed to be there and he noticed an increase in Audrey's expectation that Edward would pay a visit on the last day of the year. Out in vain. Although she smiled and said nothing, he could clearly see the disappointment in her eyes when the night came to its end and the boy never arrived.
Siegfried kissed her when the living room's clock struck midnight announcing the beginning of 1938, ignoring the curious looks around and wishing he could do more to keep her mind from that disappointment, even for a few fleeting minutes.
January brought back the work routine and the cold was not ready to give them all a break. A flu outbreak swept over Darrowby and gradually one by one they became ill. Siegfried, for a change, had been the first to succumb and when Audrey started to feel the first symptoms, James and Tristan were also crawling around the house trying to do their chores.
Unfortunately, the tide of good fortune that Christmas brought to them seemed to have ended.
January 22, 1938
"Oh Mrs. Bailey, you brought him!" Audrey exclaimed excitedly as she opened the door and found the woman struggling to keep her balance while holding a curious dog by the leash and a laughing baby in her arms.
"Not by my choice, unfortunately. With this weather it was better for him to stay at home, but Shawn had to take care of some things on the farm and he couldn't keep an eye on the boy." The woman commented on entering. It didn't take long for the boy to get out of his mother's arms and into Audrey's.
"Hello, Charlie. How you grew up!" The boy kept giggling while she rocked him in her arms. He had doubled in weight over the past weeks and the feeling of being with a baby in her arms and the smell of baby powder that he exhaled was irresistible to her. She held him close to her and made him laugh more. "This boy will be running around the house soon."
"He and Max are impossible already. I wonder what they won't do when he start to walk."
"You won't have a minute of peace! When my Edward started to walk I have to follow him around all they long to make sure he wouldn't get hurt or turn the house down on his way." Audrey said looking at the boy seriously, who had laughed again.
"Can't wait for it, Mrs. Hall." Mrs. Bailey said with sarcasm, laughing. She had removed her coat, gloves and hat, and tied Max's leash to the feet of one of the chairs. "Is Mr. Farnon still with a patient?"
"I don't think so, I'll check." She started to turn to the exam room, without returning the child to it's mother, who seemed relieved to have a moment to rest.
"If it's not abuse, I would like to use the bathroom for a minute before Max's appointment."
"Sure, come this..." Audrey was pointing down the hall when Siegfried opened the door.
"Mrs. Bailey, good afternoon. " He greeted with a brief smile before noticing Audrey with the boy in his arms. His expression was unreadable, but the lines around his eyes became more evident.
"Just a minute, Siegfried. Here, hold him." Audrey passed the boy into his arms, suddenly surprising him. "I'm taking Mrs. Bailey to the bathroom."
"Oh, I..." He settled the child on his arm. Audrey noticed that on his arms Charlie looked smaller and more comfortable. The boy looked at Siegfried curiously, as if trying to remember where he met him.
"Do you mind, Mr. Farnon?" Mrs. Bailey's voice attracted the boy's attention for a moment.
"Of course he doesn't." Audrey shot a warning look from his direction.
"No, not at all." He hurried to answer. "Go ahead."
"This way, Mrs. Bailey." Audrey looked at them both over her shoulder.
Charlie had already lost interest in his mother and turned to the stethoscope around Siegfried's neck, trying to catch it while the man tried to divert the child's attention. Audrey took Mrs. Bailey upstairs and went back down, but stopped at the turn of the hall when she saw they were still entertained with each other. Arms crossed, she leaned against the wall, nibbling on her lower lip. Like her just minutes before, Siegfried smiled as he rocked the baby in his arms, eliciting animated giggles from him, who had forgotten his stethoscope and seemed curious about toutching his beard on Siegfried's chin.
Completely oblivious to her presence, they were engaged in their interaction. Siegfried's ability to be sweet to animals and children never seemed to run out or stop surprising her. The scene made her feel strange. An almost uncontrollable desire to be able to go back in time rose inside of her. What would it be like if they had met before in life? If they had not been through their previous marriages? How many babies would they have made over the years? A silly line of thought that would only make her reach painful conclusions. And yet, for a few seconds she let herself imagine what life would be like if they had had it or if they had time to have a child. Siegfried was a good man, but he would have been an even better father. Audrey was sure they would have been immensely happy.
"What?" He asked when he noticed her standing in the hall smiling.
Audrey was still immersed in her own fantasies, where she could wrap her arms around them.
"I'm just wishing I was ten years younger." Audrey said, unable to contain herself. Her thoughts turned to words and simply left her mouth.
Siegfried looked at her with wide eyes and his face took on a strong red tone, which was quickly vanished when his expression became serious. He looked around him, looking for the dog.
"Here, get him so I can go check on Max." He said in the monotonous, impersonal tone he used to use when she touched on sensitive subjects before their situation changed.
Audrey took the boy, still attentive to Siegfried. He seemed intent on avoiding her and she wondered if the implication in her words had bothered him so much that he had felt the need to close himself off like that. Wishing she had made some sarcastic comment, she was surprised when Mrs. Bailey appeared beside her.
"Do you want me to get him back?"
"No way." She replied, giving a slight smile. "Go ahead, Charlie and I are going to warm up a little on the couch." Although her voice sounded light, there was an enormous weight inside her heart.
Two hours later Siegfried found her sitting at the kitchen table, with a cup of tea in her hands. Smoke billowed from the cup and she watched it, immersed in her own thoughts. If she took note that he was present, she didn't show it.
Some subjects were complicated for him. Talking about Evelyn was still difficult enough without bring up children. He had understood what Audrey meant, he wanted to be able to say the same. He wanted to be able to say that maybe they didn't have to be ten years younger, after all his parents were older than they were when Tristan was born, but life had taught him differently.
"I think you would be terribly disappointed." He said as he sat in the chair across from her.
"What are you talking about?" The confusion evident in her words.
"If you were ten years younger, you would be disappointed." He explains, without directly touching on the important point of the question. "Evelyn and I tried for many years, obviously it never happened." The attempt to elaborate the explanation is enough and she nodded understandly.
What he does not say is how much he and Evelyn suffered in the early years of their marriage when they were sure every month that they had not succeeded again. Evelyn had dreamed of motherhood all her life and he felt incompetent of not being able to make her dream come true, a point that she vehemently denied many times and a guilt he took for himself despite the uncertainties.
" Siegfried, I didn't mean to..." She starts to explain and he interrupts her.
"I know. I'm sorry for reacting badly to the comment. I just thought it would be a disappointment for you in that regard as well and I..." Some things are difficult to explain. Ultimately, the fact that he and Evelyn had never had children had become a relief to him. He had barely managed to remain functional when she died and could not think what it would have been like if they had had children. It would have been extremely cruel and unfair for Evelyn to die young and leave orphaned children deprived of her care and love.
But Audrey... The very idea of going through this with her was too much for him, even in a hypothetical situation.
"You would never be a disappointment to me." She said sincerely. "Except when you're unfair to the boys." Her comment made him smile briefly. When he wrongly blamed the boys, her disappointment was evident and he never took to long correct the mistake just to see her satisfied.
"Did you wish you had more children?" He askdc, taking the focus off the situation from his previous experience.
"I did, but when I was ready to try for the second things started to get off track and then..." Audrey shrugs. Then there was no more reason to try, he understood that, but he didn't know how things got there.
"Will you ever tell me about it?" His question surprised him, but Audrey didn't noticed.
For a long time she focused on the swirls of smoke rising from her tea.
"There's not much to tell, actually." She commented, unable to look at him directly. "My ex-husband lost his job and since I had already left the navy, I had to look for a job myself. He..." She shakes her head, in an unconscious gesture of disbelief. "He resented me becoming the provider of the house, so he started to drink to occupy his days." She turned the cup in her hands and he feelt desolate. What was he hoping to discover if not something hard? "I managed to convince him to keep trying to get another job, despite the crisis and when he finally managed to find one it was at the pub. Can you imagine? " Siegfried was used to her sarcasm, but the irony was a surprise to him. And although he could imagine how the result of this situation, heoped for a different outcome. "He drank in the same proportion as the customers and I had to make a deal with the pub's owner so that he was not sent to prison, after all our son needed his father." Audrey takes a long sip of tea. "I was a fool, I thought I was giving him a second chance to start over. It was not an environment for a child, let alone two. "
Siegfried imagined several reasons why she separated from her husband, but not that one. Men had their own pride, of course they did, and he knew that pride could easily be hurt, but give up and resent her for doing what he was supposed to do and didn't even try? It was unacceptable reasoning for him. He couldn't even catch a glimpse of the extent of it all. The financial difficulty they had been through, the work she had to do, the suffering caused by his addiction... Her suffering. To what extent had he expressed his resentment to her? He didn't want to know, but unfortunately he could imagine.
Seeing the horror of those years stamped on her face hurt him.
"I'm so sorry." His voice was weak and barely audible. Siegfried was ashamed of the man's actions.
"These things are behind me. I have a very different life now." Audrey's eyes met his again and her hand crossed the short distance that separated them to find his. "I have you." Her expression cleared, like a sky after a storm and her eyes returned to their usual luminosity. "
"You do. And I would never..." He would never hurt her like that, never put her through experiences like that, he would never resent anything, ever. He loved her, loved her more than he could understand.
"I know, love." And she did knew it was true and how he felt.
Sorry to end this chapter with so much sadness.