So, a lighter chapter this time, because I think we all need a breath of fresh air!
At the end of the week, Anna, John, and Lady Mary had all agreed that it would be good for Anna to go back to work on the light schedule that Lady Mary had suggested. John had to go anyway, and both he and Anna did not like the idea of her staying alone at the cottage on her own all day. Anna needed to go back to a somewhat "normal" life, to take her mind off her dark thoughts with everyday duties, and John preferred to be able to keep an eye on her. He had discreetly talked to Baxter and Mrs Hughes about Anna's emotional struggles, and asked them to look after her, which they both gladly accepted. Lady Mary was delighted to have her confident back, whom she could discuss her heart issues with. She had a handful of suitors tailing her these days, and choosing between them was a hard task. She didn't even know if she wanted to chose one. So debriefing the day's events with Anna was something she really enjoyed. However, since she had come back, even though she made obvious efforts to take her part in the conversation, Anna was still not her usual self. The cheerful and outgoing maid Lady Mary had been used to was much more silent and subdued. That particular evening, Lady Mary decided to investigate the matter.
- Is anything the matter? she asked casually.
- No.
- I mean, you're getting better, the threat to your health has gone away, you and Bates are back under the same roof… I guess everything is not so easily settled, but I would have expected you to be a little more… cheerful. Instead, you seem rather cast down.
Anna sighed as she was laying Lady Mary's clothes on the bed.
- Life's never simple m'lady, she bluntly stated.
- You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
- It's almost funny really, considering what I've done… You know Mr Bates and I have always wanted children.
- And you'll have some now I'm sure.
- No, I won't. Dr Clarkson says I can't. It seems God has seen fit to punish me for refusing to have this particular child, by denying me to bear any child ever.
- Oh. Is he sure of that?
- He says it is a consequence of the infection. He thinks it is highly unlikely I will ever get pregnant again.
- Oh, Anna… I'm sorry…
- It's alright m'lady. I've got used to the idea. Some women can't have children, and I'm one of them.
- But… shouldn't you get a specialist's opinion? I mean, when I was first married, I couldn't get pregnant either. I went to see a Dr Ryder on Harley Street, he found I needed a tiny operation, I had it, and George was the result. Maybe he could do something for you?
- Dr Clarkson seemed to thing that nothing could be done. And, to be honest, I really can't explain what happened to another doctor. Dr Clarkson has been very kind and has not judged me, but I don't know that all doctors would be so understanding, and I really can't talk about it. But thank you very much for suggesting it.
- Well. If you ever change your mind about it, let me know, I'll arrange you an appointment.
- That's very kind of you m'lady. Will that be all?
- Yes, thank you Anna.
As Anna walked out of the room, Lady Mary stayed stunned by this latest blow in the Bates's rough path. It seemed no misery would be spared on them.
x x x x
The next day, Bates entered the boot room, holding a pair of Lord Grantham's shoes, and found Anna crying in her handkerchief.
- This isn't right, he said, walking to her.
- Give me a moment, she answered. I'll be fine.
- No, I mean, it's not right for you to cry alone. You're married, that means you never have to cry alone again.
- I told Lady Mary last night. She was kind of course, but it just brought it all back.
- We must learn to be content as we are. Which is easy for me, since I have you.
- And it's my fault, and not yours. I can't give you what you need.
- Anna, to me we are one person, and this person can't have children.
She smiled bitterly.
- That's not true, but thank you for saying that.
- Have you ever thought about adoption?
- I have. But I don't think it would work for you. You're tribal, Mr Bates, and a tribe doesn't have a lot of members. You want your own child, no substitute will do…
- But see, that's where I think you are wrong. Oh, surely, I would have been thrilled to see you bear our child. But since that can't happen, I'm not closed to other options. There are so many children in need of a home, and we definitely have a home in need of a child. So why not? I really think we could be good parents. I know you would be a natural mother. And I would love any child that would make you happy.
Anna looked at him with a hopeful light in her eyes:
- Are you sure? You're not only saying that to please me?
- I'm dead serious my darling.
She smiled and kissed him gently:
- I love you John.
- I love you too. So, we'll discuss this further when you've healed, when you feel stronger, alright?
- Alright.
They hugged for a while, and Anna got out of the room while John attended to Lord Grantham's shoes.
x x x x
Everyday life slowly returned to some kind of normal for John and Anna over the next months. Anna regained her usual weight, and her sleep gradually improved. She needed the drops less frequently as time went by. She still had some nightmares, and there were some times when sadness or anxiety would wash over her, but she handled it better. She found that there were also more moments when she genuinely laughed when someone told a funny story in the servants' Hall. Slowly, the dream of giving birth to John's child transformed into the dream of becoming parents to a child in need of a family. It would not be the same, but it would be sweet too. Closely supported by John, Baxter, Mrs Hughes and Lady Mary, she felt more like her previous self with every new day, although of course some scars would never go away.
Six months had passed since John's return from New-York. On this crispy winter day, both John and Anna had taken a day off, for no special reason but to spend a day together. Snow had been falling all night, and when they opened the curtain after a late lie-in, they discovered their surroundings covered in a thick white layer.
- Oh look, John, how beautiful! exclaimed Anna.
She had always loved snow, and felt excited like a little girl at the sight of it. The sun was shining again, and made the whole landscape glitter with a million sparkles. She turned to John with a bright smile:
- Oh let's go have a walk and enjoy the sight! she beamed.
- Alright, if you want to, my darling, said John, a little unsure of walking in the snow with his stick.
But as always, he was prepared to do anything that would make her happy. So after eating their breakfast, they put on their warmest clothes and went outside hand in hand. They walked leisurely across Downton estate, and their steps led them to the pond, which was frozen. John's hand held tighter on Anna's as they walked past the lake, both their minds thinking of that dreadful night a few months ago. Anna stopped walking and for a moment she silently looked to the place where she had crumbled down and almost taken her own life. After a while, she sighed and whispered:
- That night I thought there was nothing left for me in this life. But I was wrong, she added, lifting her gaze to meet John's, and smiling. I'm glad you came and stopped me.
- I'm very glad too, answered John, bending over her and brushing his lips on hers.
As he parted from her, she took hold of his scarf and pulled him close again, kissing him more intensely, her tongue asking permission to invade his mouth, permission he gladly granted her. As they kissed more passionately, they lost their balance and both fell into the thick snow, laughing out loud. They were both dusted in snow, and struggled to get back on their feet, and brush the snow off their clothes. Anna shivered as she looked at her cold and wet gloves, and John said:
- We should go home. We don't want you to catch a cold.
- Yes, I'd rather like a hot bath right now.
- Let's got run you a bath then, he said, kissing her bright red nose.
When they were home and had shed their coats and wet winter attire, Anna stood warming herself by the fire, while John went upstairs to run her bath. When it was ready, he called her and she came upstairs to the bathroom. As usual since the attack, he made to leave the bathroom when she entered, to allow her some privacy. But that day, she felt different. She grabbed his hand to prevent him from leaving and said shyly:
- Maybe we could share that bath?
His heart bounced when he heard her suggestion.
- Are you sure you want to my darling?
- I do, she answered, smiling, as she pulled him close and started slowly undoing the buttons on the front of his shirt. When the shirt was lying on the floor, she took off his under-shirt over his head, and discarded it next to the shirt. She laid both her hands flat on the sides of his chest, and started peppering light kisses just below his collarbones. He moaned in pleasure, but put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her slightly away:
- Anna, you don't have to do that if you're not ready.
Without talking, she took his hands off her shoulders, and put them on her hips, before kissing him right under his jaw and whispering in his ear:
- I want to.
Her hands went down and started unbuckling his belt and undoing his pants. When he was down to his underwear, she told him:
- Now you undress me.
- You sure? he hesitated.
- Yes I am.
- If at anytime you feel unsafe, or you want me to stop, just tell me alright?
- I will, she said, circling her arms around his neck.
Her heart pounded hard in her chest as he gently stripped her off. She felt as shy and nervous as she had on their wedding night, when he had done that for the first time.
- So, she said when they were finally both naked, shall we have this bath?
He climbed into the bathtub first, and she settled next, sitting in front of him, her back resting against his chest. He circled his arms around her, his hands resting just below her breasts, and she settled her head against his shoulder. She was lying naked in her husband's arms, and she felt good. To them, it was a tremendous victory upon the past.
After a while, the water started feeling cold, so they went out and dried one another. Without really knowing why, Anna felt a positive energy filling her, and she wanted to go further. Dropping her towel on the floor, she pulled John close and pressed the front of her body against his.
- Please, make love to me, she whispered in his ear.
John almost startled when he heard her saying that. It had been more than nine months since they had last been intimate, and although there had been some cuddling and some physical closeness, he had always been very careful to keep his touches chaste and innocent. He feared she wanted to take a giant step at once and that it would backfire on them.
- Er… Are you sure you're ready for this my darling? he asked, uncertain.
- Yes, I am… Please, I need it, she pleaded.
There was a boldness in her, and she knew now was the right time. She wanted to act on it right away, for fear of losing the moment and not feeling it again for a long time.
- If at any time, you need… John started, but she shushed him with a finger on his lips.
- I know. Trust me? she said hopefully.
He kissed her finger and smiled at her.
- I do trust you, he replied.
There was no more to be said, and soon they fell on the bed, hungrily rediscovering each other's body after such a long famine. Anna managed to lose herself in the moment, and no unwanted thought assaulter her. Soon she guided John inside her and she felt whole again when they started moving together as one. Usually, John would be very attentive to her needs, and always made sure that she'd got her share of pleasure before allowing himself over the edge. But that time, his desire for her was so strong, and there had been such a long period of frustration, that his self-control eluded him, and he was undone very quickly. He felt ashamed for that, and apologized right away, hiding his head into Anna's neck:
- Oh God, darling, I'm sorry…
Anna chuckled lightly. The sound of her laughter was like music to his ear.
- It's alright… Actually I'm happy to have been able to give that to you, after such a long time. You've been so patient, and supportive, you really deserved it.
- Let me make it up to you, he said, gently slipping out of her.
And he started working with his mouth and hands on her various sensitive spots. He had not forgotten what she liked and how she liked it done. She had for a while thought she had forgotten how it felt to love and be loved in a physical way, but she found her body quickly remembered. After a few minutes of John's expert ministrations, the burst of intense pleasure made her cry out and left her shaking all over. She suddenly broke into tears, out of relief, and pride at having finally taken back what the man had robbed from them. She hid her face against John's chest and murmured:
- We did it, John.
- You did it, my love. I knew you were strong enough. You're the strongest person I know. I'm so proud of you. I love you so much.
- He's not completely broken me after all, she said, kissing him fiercely. I love you too. Thank you so much.
- You have nothing to thank me for. Thank yourself.
- Oh I have plenty to thank you for. My life, for a start.
They stayed for a long while under the covers, bodies entangled and minds at ease, until Anna said:
- Aren't you hungry? I know I am.
- You're right, it's late! Let's go down and get something to eat.
- Too bad we can't ring and have someone bring us a tray… she laughed.
x x x x
In the following days, Anna felt a lightness in her that she had not felt for a very long time, as if a heavy weight had suddenly lifted from her chest. Lady Mary soon noticed the change, and commented the next day:
- You seem quite bouncy today… Has something good happened?
Anna couldn't help but blush. She wanted to share her victory with someone, but feared she would be trespassing the boundaries of their master-servant relationship. But the colour on her cheeks and her mischievous smile lit Lady Mary's curiosity:
- What is it? You're blushing like a teenaged girl! she teased.
Anna laughed:
- I shouldn't be talking about that m'lady. But… let's just say that I have managed to be a proper wife to Mr Bates again.
- Oh… answered Lady Mary with a knowing smile. Well I'm very happy for you both.
- Thank you m'lady. I'm happy too. I hope now we can put all this behind us, and start thinking about the future again.
- I see, and what would that future hold, may I ask?
- Well, we have discussed about adoption…
- That's a nice plan. I know any child would be lucky to have you and Mr Bates as parents.
Lady Mary's compliment went right into Anna's heart, and she felt her eyes prickle.
- Thank you so much for saying that m'lady. I hope that's true. Anyway, we thought we'd really look into it when we're back from the London season.
- And if a child there should be, would you want to keep working for me?
- I don't know m'lady… Mr Bates and I had this old dream of buying a small hotel and managing it with our children around us. We might do that, but anyway, it is a plan that will take some time to work out, so I think we won't be leaving you for at least some months, or even a year…
- Well, please keep me and Papa informed on the advance of your plans.
- We will, of course.
- And meanwhile, any child of yours will be welcome to stay in the nursery with George and Sybbie, if it should be needed.
- That's very kind of you m'lady.
So, things are getting better. Question is, for how long... ^^