Does he love me?

I woke up, still in yesterday's clothes, next to Cartman. The basement wasn't as cold as I'd thought it'd be last night, but that might actually be Cartman's body heat radiating onto me. I swear he gets warmer everytime we cuddle. His eyelashes tickled my forehead when he woke up, and he placed a heavy hand on my waist as he tried to fall back asleep. I made sure to sit up and shake him awake before getting dressed for school. Of course, Cartman took forever getting up to the point where I thought he'd never move from the bed, but he did and got ready really quickly. Quicker than I've ever seen from Cartman. Not even in PE has he moved that fast.

His mom made us breakfast before we left for the bus stop. I'd never eaten pancakes before school until now, and let me say, I was missing out! It's no secret Liane can cook a mean pancake, but holy shit. I don't think my taste buds have ever been happier.

I can't say the same for Cartman though. He still has trouble eating, but I think he'll be fine now. I can be here to watch over him. I don't have to ever leave his side, not for anyone. Maybe I can help him with his diet over time. We do have our whole lives ahead of us.

Everyone at school was talking about Cartman. People constantly came up to him and asked him where he went, and what he did. He just insisted that he went on vacation and gave no further details. When people asked me, I told them the same thing. If Cartman doesn't want them to know what happened, then I have no right to tell them.

I breezed by my classes fairly fast, just doing the work mindlessly. It's not like I needed to really think about it. The work I do is below my level, but the upper classes are above my level, so I'm stuck here. I do my work, then I ask for permission to read, then I read. Rinse and repeat. I don't mind the little amount of work I have to do, as it gives me more time to think about the important things going on in my life. Like how I just got myself kicked out of my own home and moved in with my...

Cartman. Moved in with Cartman.

I may love him, but I'm not so sure I'm dating him. It's just not a good time right now, with everything going on. I think we should wait a while before we make anything official.

The bell rang and I headed to my next class with Cartman. I felt sort of bummed today, and I can tell Cartman noticed because he made an effort to get me to talk to him about it.

"What's up?" He asked. I knew what he was referring to before he even had a chance to elaborate.

"I dunno. I just feel kind of down today."

"Oh, you're just having 'one of those days', huh?"

"I guess."

"I thought you were mad at me or something."

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Not sure. That's why I asked."

Why would he think I'd be mad at him? I mean, I did get kicked out of my home, but that was my fault, not his. I guess he's just being paranoid. Maybe I should lighten up a bit, or people may think I'm miserable.

I felt someone grab my shoulder, and turned to see. It was Stan. Of course it is. He hasn't seen me in days, and I come back with Cartman at my side. He's probably been worried sick.

"Kyle, can I talk to you?"

"Yeah."

We started to walk to the bathroom to chat. Not exactly my first choice, but at least it's private. Stan did that thing where he leaned against the sinks and crossed his arms. That usually means he's wants to call me out on something. I hope he isn't gonna bring up anything about my crush on Cartman.

"So, you brought him back?"

"Yeah. He was at a nearby cliff."

"How?"

"I just kinda talked to him. Let him vent to me about his past. I told him I'd always be there and I'd help him through this."

"And he just came back with you? Like that?". Stan snapped his fingers on the word 'that'. I nodded and he shook his head. "That doesn't seem right. How did he know to trust you? Cartman usually would have ignored you and did what he needed to do. There must've been...". Stan looked back to me with wide eyes. "Holy shit, you told him didn't you?!"

"Told him what?"

"Told him you like him!"

"Yeah. What's the big deal?"

"The 'big deal' Kyle, is that now Cartman knows he has an advantage over you! He knows that you'll bend to his will to keep him alive, and he knows how to use it against you. Don't you see what you've done here?"

"All I see is you being paranoid Stan. Cartman and I aren't even dating, so what's your problem?"

"My problem? The only one here with a problem is you! You can't even see how bad he's got you. You're wrapped around his finger and you don't even know it. I'm trying to help you, but you're being a huge asshole."

"I don't remember asking for your help Stan."

"It's cause you can't even see what he's doing to you."

"I'm done talking to you about this."

I turned to leave, but Stan stepped in front of the door, keeping me trapped inside.

"Wait. Just answer this question."

"Fine, but hurry up. I'm gonna be late."

"Does Cartman love you?"

I don't answer. I don't know the answer. Does he?

Stan sighs. "That's what I thought.". I pushed past him and tunnel visioned my way to my next class. What does Stan know? Cartman...feels something towards me. Otherwise he wouldn't have let me into his home so quickly, right? Well, Stan and Kenny would've done the same. Though, Stan does have a crush on me, so am I really that far off? Cartman does let me cuddle him at night, and that has to mean something.

I don't want to think about this right now. Screw Stan anyways, making me overthink and shit. Plus I'm late for class.

I walked into class, and was immediately scolded for being late. Thankfully, the teacher let me off easy, since I'm 'usually a good student'. She says that like I'm a bad kid today. I don't think much about that and take my seat, letting class continue. Cartman scoots closer to me and whispers, "So, what did Stan want that made you late?"

"He was just curious how I got you back here."

Cartman nodded and scooted back into his desk, pulling out a book and reading it instead of paying attention. I sometimes wonder how he's still getting good grades when he never pays attention. I guess he's probably just like me in a sense, where the work is too easy for him. I mean, we are pretty alike academically. I guess I should write down the notes on the board to preoccupy myself. Besides, I don't want it to look like I'm slacking off. I know, I'm a teachers pet, what about it?

Halfway through class, we were assigned a project in which we're supposed to study and present a model of something in our solar system in groups of four. I saw Craig pump his fist in the back of the class, and the teacher gave us a few seconds to pick our groups. Craig went straight to me, Tweek at his side.

"Hey Kyle, since you're the only other kid in this class that actually cares about space and won't slack off, wanna be in Tweek and mines group?"

"Sure man. We need a fourth guy though."

I turned to Cartman, knowing I was gonna ask him before Craig even came to me. We didn't even say anything. I just look at him, and he shrugged. I heard Craig murmur "Of course." and pulled up a chair from in front of us. Then, we all made a plan of how we were gonna meet up. We agreed to all meet at Craig's house tomorrow to start, since we all had things to do today. The teacher called one person from each group to randomly pick a planet. Since we were going in alphabetical order, and my last name starts with a B, I was chosen to pick. The teacher handed me a jar full of small slips of folded paper, and I reached my hand in, grabbing the first one. I opened it and saw that I'd picked 'The sun'. When I told them which one we'd gotten, Cartman groaned.

"You picked the most basic one!"

Craig scoffed, and retorted "The sun isn't basic lard ass. It's actually pretty cool."

"Yeah right Craig. It's literally a huge star. That's all there is to know about it. That, and everything revolves around it."

"There's actually a lot you can learn about the sun. For example, the sun is the largest object in our solar system, and takes up 99.8% of our systems mass. And the sun isn't that huge actually. The sun is a yellow dwarf star, and is only big to us because we're so tiny in comparison."

Cartman started to fake snore in retaliation. It was pretty funny to see Craig get upset at this. Even Tweek was giggling at Cartman's jab.

"Quiet fatso. You wouldn't even be alive if it weren't for the sun."

"Bold of you to assume I want to be alive."

"Cartman." I groaned. He seemed to immediately pick up on his mistake and replied "Right. Sorry."

Tweek and Craig looked to each other, and seemed to be holding a conversation with their eyes. I guess that's something you learn when you date someone for 8 years. Tweek cleared his throat and tried to continue the conversation.

"A-anyways, how about we each do some r-research tonight at home. I-I'll do the age and mass, Kyle can do the origins and t-temperature, Craig can do the magnetic activity and motion and f-finally, Cartman can do the observations and religious a-aspects."

"Look at you being all smart." Craig commented, making Tweek blush.

"I don't think letting Cartman do the religious aspects is a good idea. Can I switch him for temperature?" I asked. Cartman grunted, but Tweek and Craig agreed quickly.

Finally, we all were released from class and were free to go to lunch. I'm not all that hungry, but I do enjoy being away from class. Kenny meets us outside and we all walked to the cafeteria together, chatting about things we can do now that Cartman's back. I'm glad everything is back to normal around here. Well, more or less.

Butters saved us a spot in line, and I reluctantly took it. I really hope I didn't piss off the people behind us, but it's possible they don't really care. As we all stood in line, I secretly hoped that Cartman would eat whatever they were serving today. Maybe I can try getting him to eat a few carrots, and some water. Wait, how is Cartman surviving if he's not eating? There's no way he's lasted this long on nothing. He must be getting something in his system to be this energetic.

"Kyle, I've been looking for you. I think we should talk again."

I knew it was Stan behind me, but I didn't turn. I don't want to talk to him right now. I figure giving him the silent treatment will make him fuck off. He didn't seem to take the hint and kept poking my shoulder. Cartman, Kenny and Butters all watched Stan desperately trying to get my attention, but I wouldn't give it to him. Why should I?

"C'mon Kyle, quit giving me the cold shoulder and talk to me."

"Do you guys hear something?" I asked. Everyone looked at me like I was insane for a second, then I saw Cartman smirk as he caught on.

"Nope. I don't hear anything.". Kenny soon piped in, "Me neither.". Butters look sort of confused, but before he could say anything, Cartman covered his mouth and started to walk away. Kenny came up to my other side and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"You feeling good Kyle?"

"Yeah. Must've just been the wind or something."

We started to walk away, and I wished I could see Stan's face right then. It must've look hilarious. Cartman sure thought so, because he broke down laughing by the time we caught up to him and Butters. Soon, we were all giggling and grinning at how fun that was. I've never felt so close to these three before. It was always just Stan and I, against the world. Now, I really feel part of the gang. I do wish Stan would just let it go so he could enjoy us again, but until he starts acting like a friend, we're not gonna treat him like one.

When Cartman and I got home, we pitched a hand in helping Liane clean up the house, mostly upstairs. We decided to all work together in painting Lianes room and cleaning the carpet, since it's the biggest room in the house. I already know a thing or two about cleaning, same with Cartman, so we worked together in scrubbing the carpet while Liane went out to buy paint.

We cleaned out most of the stains in the dark blue carpet, making it look almost new. For the most part, it was silent, then when Liane came back, we started to make idle conversation. It's not like we had to finish right then and there.

Liane grabbed a stepstool and started to slowly paint the top-left of the wall. Should someone tell her to tape up the outlets first?

"It's really sweet how you're helping us do this Kyle." Liane said. Cartman scoffed and chipped in, "Of course he's helping us mom. If he didn't, I'd kick his sorry ass to Stans house or something."

"Haha Cartman. You wouldn't dare." I replied. Liane giggled. "I'm glad you got your sense of humor back poopsikins. You were so upset for so long."

My ears perked up and I started to listen, but nobody continued the conversation.

"What do you mean?" I asked, urging her to continue.

"Oh, back when Esteban was living here, Cartman was a lot different. He never spoke to anyone but that Butters friend of his, and he'd stay in his room or out and about for hours. I tried talking to him, but he just shut me out."

"Yeah. I didn't really trust you anymore mom. You were on Esteban's side, and you never believed me when I told you what he was doing to me. You... you called me insane."

I looked back and forth between the two. They refused to look at each other.

"Well to be fair, neither of you could've known what was truly going on. It's okay now though. He's gone."

Liane and Cartman looked to each other and nodded. Something tells me they still haven't fully recovered and forgiven each other for what happened, and I don't blame them. Heck, it's only been a day. I'm willing to give them more time.

"So," I started, gaining Cartman's attention momentarily." Once Cartman's room is done, I'll be staying in there until mines finished, right?"

"A little eager, aren't we?" Cartman commented. I scoffed and Liane softly giggled. I think she's one of our biggest fans, given she's the only person that knows we're a thing.

Well, kind of a thing.

Does Liane know if Cartman likes me? I'll have to ask her later.

Or I can just ask Cartman. I mean, he supposedly trusts me now so there's no reason to hide anything, right?

Argh, god dammit Stan! Thanks to him, I'm worried over nothing. I know it's nothing. I just need to stop thinking about it.

I can't stop thinking about it. It's conquering my mind every waking hour, and I can't stand it. I can't sleep. I never really can. Not immediately anyways. That's been happening a lot lately. Maybe I should see a doctor about that..

The way Stan reacted when I said nothing earlier concerns me. As if he knew the answer better than I did. Like I went silent because the answer was 'no'. The answer isn't no, it's just not yes either.

It's complicated.

Stan acted like I don't know what I'm doing. What I got myself into the second my heart ached for him. He thinks I'll bow down to Cartman's will, follow every demand he barks at me. He thinks I don't know that Cartman is a shitty person. That he has major flaws. That he could literally break me with one sentence, no, one look. One glare. One trace of hatred in his eyes. Not his normal hatred for me, much more intense. As if he wants to break me in two.

Well, I do know. I know what I'm doing. Better than Stan could ever understand. Heck, he doesn't even understand why penguins have wings.

But then why am I stressing so hard over this whole mess? If I know he's just being a dick because I don't like him that way, then why am I up at 1 in the fucking morning having an existential crisis? God dammit, why can't I just have a normal brain that didn't overthink everything little thing like it's a life threatening moment?!

I glanced at the digital clock on Cartman's nightstand, the glowing red numbers taunting me. Even Cartman's things mock me. I internally groaned. How long am I gonna lay here restless? My performance in school is lacking because of these long nights, and melodramatic arguments. It's nothing too drastic, definitely not grade dropping worthy, but it's a few percentages lower than usual, and that doesn't sit well with me. What am I supposed to do though? I can't sleep if my life depended on it. I tried asking my mom for help once. She gave me some melatonin gummies and that helped a little bit, but the sleep I got that night wasn't really sleep at all. It was just rest, barely even that. I woke up more miserable and tired than ever. That was around the time when Cartman was still missing, so nobody really questioned my state. I'm glad for it too. How do you explain that you can't sleep, so you took something that supposed to make you sleep, but all it did was fuck you up? Isn't that, like the opposite of what it's supposed to do? People might think my body is messed up.

My dad gets the award for 'best advice' though.

"Just lie down and close your eyes."

Gee golly dad! Why didn't I think of that? I've just been lying in my bed with my eyes wide open for years. Thank Moses he told me!

Like, how fucking lazy can you get? If I'm taking time out of my day to tell you something's wrong and you give me advice like that, don't act surprised when I move out of your house a year early. Poor Ike, having to stay there for another 8 years. I should just get a house and let him move in with me, but I know my mom would never allow that unless she was on her deathbed, which may be awhile. I'm not even sure I will be able to get a place of my own right now. I am living in Cartman's house, rent free. Speaking of that, I'd better bring that up with Liane. If I'm gonna stay here, I should at least pay rent, otherwise I'd just feel shitty. Like a fucking freeloader. I'm not a fucking freeloader, and I'll be damned if anyone was to say such, therefore I need to eliminate the problem before it starts. I guess I could apply for more jobs. I was denied from 'City Wok' and 'Sloppy seconds' and basically half of town, but I don't see why I should stop trying. The only place I won't apply for, not in a million years, is Raisins. God, if anyone from school saw me working there, which someone inevitably will, I'd never hear the end of it. I guess it's fitting for a guy like me, but there's no way I'd do it by my own will.

Maybe as an act of foreplay.

Is Cartman into that stuff?

Oh god, don't think about that. He's literally right next to me, sleeping like a baby.

Which is what I should be doing too, but I can't.

My eyes are really starting to sting because of how tired I am. I'm gonna have black circles around my eyes tomorrow, aren't I? Great.

"Hey, you okay?" Cartman asked quietly. I didn't think he was awake.

"Yeah, I'm just having a hard time sleeping." I responded, swallowing hard. My mouth and throat have been so dry lately.

"You cold or something?" Cartman asked. He sounds genuinely worried about me, which is a bit weird because lately I've been the one worried about him.

"No, just thinking I guess."

"Well, now that we're both awake, can I ask why you were ignoring Stan earlier? It was funny as hell, but I didn't really think about it until now. Did he do something?"

I sighed. I guess it may help to talk about my thoughts to someone. Who knows, maybe I'll finally get to sleep.

"Yeah. In the bathroom before class, he asked me how you got back. I told him what happened, that I confessed my feelings to you. He got mad and made me question my better judgement for a second, and my relationship with you."

"Why the fuck does he care? If he's your friend, then he should be happy that you're happy, right?"

"He sort of has a crush on me."

Cartman went silent for a second, and I instantly regretted telling him that part.

"Oh." was all he could say. I can't tell his reaction, due to the low lighting, but it can't be good. Silence ensued again, and I decided to attempt sleep, rolling over on my other side to face the wall. Then, I felt heavy arms wrap around me. Cartman pulled me close to him, keeping his arm around my waist and putting us in a spooning position.

"You-" Cartman started, then stopped, composing himself. Like he was scared. "You won't leave me for him, right?"

I chuckled lightly, not at the fact he's insecure about this, but because he really thinks I'd leave him for Stan. I mean, no offense to Stan or anything, but he's just not what I want right now. I want Cartman, and a pair of pretty eyes and big muscles aren't gonna change that.

"No. He's like a brother to me. You're like a soulmate. You've always been. I knew that way back when we were small. I remember the second I realized it too. Back when I got to go to Casa Bonita for my birthday, and I didn't invite you. When you gave me that little talk, about how we may not be friends, but we are something, I really thought about it. After I invited you, I sat in class, wondering what that made us. We weren't as close as Stan and I, but were sort of friends. I thought maybe we were brothers, because no matter how much we fought, we still somewhat liked each other, but that didn't seem right. Then, it hit me. We are soulmates. No matter what either of us did, or who we dated, or what we wanted to do with our lives, the other would always be there. When I thought about my future, you were always there. It didn't matter back then if we liked each other, because no matter what, we were destined to be together always, as partners, friends, best friends, blood brothers, in-laws, or even just acquaintances. We were, and always will be, drawn to each other."

Cartman didn't speak, and I thought I might've bored him to sleep, but then his grip tightened and he lightly pressed his lips on the back of my neck.

"I fucking love you. Sorry I didn't say it back at the cliff, but I love you so much."

A smile tugged at my lips and I let myself melt into him, actually feeling quite tired.

"I love you too, so much."

"You sound tired now. You wanna sleep?"

"Mmmhhmm."

"Okay."

I flipped so I could face him again. I'm so glad I did, because he placed a soft kiss on my forehead and I felt my heart fucking soar.

Just from that small gesture.

"Goodnight Kahl. I love you."

"Love you too Cartman."

I buried my face in his chest, still grinning stupidly from the kiss.

Makes me wonder what I was so worried about earlier. Of course Cartman loves me, otherwise he wouldn't have come back with me after I confessed.

How the hell did Stan convince me to think otherwise?

Never mind that. I can dwell on all these things tomorrow. Right now, I'm gonna savor this moment and get some well-deserved sleep.

Wow, this took a long time to finish.

I apologise for that.

The motivation to write is very low at the moment, thanks to my awakened love for animal crossing. Seriously, that game is addicting.

But, the 'l' word has finally been spoken! And sorry to get all sappy at the end, but what's a shipping fanfiction without some scenes that make you go 'Aww'.

I'll write when I can, and try not to make the waits long. I try to be the writer I want others to be, and it'd be hypercritical of me to fuss over others taking too long to update when I can't myself. Life happens.

Not gonna lie, the plot to this one sounds a little less realistic and more like Wattpad scribbles, but it's not like I'm being graded for realism on this, so whatever works works I guess.

~Craigory