Chapter 27.
"I think you've mostly been doing the right thing." said Sarah, making Sam feel much better, though he was waiting for the but.
"It's wise not to put too much pressure on him for now." she went on, "We don't know what he can take. Only he knows that. He knows you're both ready to listen to him and he knows that Castiel understands the situation."
"The problem is that Castiel is still hurt by it." said Sam.
"Yes. I share your concerns about Castiel. He's not emotionally self-aware enough to handle this safely. Castiel will be telling you he is fine and believing it when he is slowly sinking into despair. Because of that, he can go right from sincerely believing he can cope to sudden, self-destructive behaviour before anyone sees a problem."
"And even though he knows Dean is out of his head, every negative thing Dean says, he hears and believes." said Sam.
"I wish he accepted the good things so easily." said Sarah.
"Why doesn't he?" said Mary, "Aren't angels supposed to understand truth?"
"Angels are supposed to do a lot of things he doesn't do and they aren't supposed to do a lot of things he does. I wouldn't say it to him, but I sometimes wonder if he counts as an angel at all now. Jules and I see it as an evolution, but he is afraid of it."
"He spent billions of years knowing exactly what he was," said Sam, "And now he doesn't know. On good days, that excites him, but good days have been few and far between recently. He spends a lot of time trapped in an existential crisis and Dean used to be able to help him through those, but now he feels like Dean has abandoned him."
"I'm as worried as you are." said Sarah, "Normally, I'd suggest sending him here, but he and Dean need to work through this together. I hate to add another burden to your already ... "
"No. Add burdens." said Sam, "Weigh me down until I can barely stand. I'll crawl if I have to. I need to do this, for both of them. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything in my power to save them."
"I feel much the same way about you." said Sarah, "So I trust you will be equally willing to let me help you."
"Not now." he said, "When they're okay. Then we can do anything you like about me."
"You only say that because you don't believe they will ever be okay." said Sarah, with a twinkle in her eye, "But I know the day will come and I will hold you to your promise, made in the presence of your mother."
"I heard it." said Mary.
"Can we keep to the subject, please?" said Sam.
"May I suggest something you may not have considered?" said Sarah.
"Please do. It's why we came." he said.
"Small things can make a big difference. When your brother came to me, before Michael, to deal with some of that old trauma, I had him climbing trees and helping in the kitchen. I gave him a chance to live out the things he could have done, if he hadn't had to grow up in motel rooms, with a baby brother to care for and a wounded father who didn't know what to do."
"You mean, instead of trying to get him to talk, get him to do things that give him comfort?"
"Yes and maybe even that give him joy. But not just things to do, Sam, revive his feelings of being your brother and Mary, let him feel like a son. He feels isolated and alone, afraid of judgement, especially his own, unworthy of kindness. He'll be afraid of spending time with anyone he cares about, afraid that you will reject him or be angry with him or think he's weak or worthless."
"How does he still think we could see him that way?" said Sam.
"The same way you're afraid to fail him. It won't be easy to convince him to be around people and the more he loves those people, the harder it may be, but he needs your love. He needs to be included in foolish, unimportant things. Then, maybe, he'll start to open up a little more about the big stuff."
"I hope so." said Mary.
"But when he does, it'll hurt you and him. You may want him to shut up. You may want to walk away. That's natural and normal, but if you do, he'll feel judged and rejected and betrayed and you may never get him to try again."
"I won't do that. I will never do that." said Sam.
She smiled. "No, you won't, will you?"
"There's nothing he can say that I can't hear. I'll listen. I'll listen if listening becomes the worst torture I ever experience, because he'd do the same for me. You know what? If I asked him right now, to listen to everything that happened in Hell, even with everything he's dealing with, he would. I know he would."
"You've had worse ideas." said Sarah.
"I didn't mean I was going to, just that I could. The offer has always been there. It always will be. Dean has never backed down from anything that could help me, even when it cost him his soul."
"You feel you owe him?" said Sarah.
"No. Alright, yes, but that's not what this is about. Every time I ever stumbled, every time my gun jammed or my knife got knocked aside, every time my courage failed or I screwed up, every time I chose something dumb or evil or just pointless, he was there to pull me out of the disaster. He might be pissed as hell, but he was there. I'm never walking away. I will never leave him in pain because it's easier than standing beside him. The only thing I've feared, for years, now, is letting him down."
"I am so proud of you." said his mother.
He smiled at her. "Be proud of him, Mom. This devotion is deserved."