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I sense someone behind me and I turn to face Rajat standing a few feet away from me and crossing his hands while staring at me. All this time, I have just been standing here and crying, completely ignorant of the others.

"Hey Purvi, what happened? Is it because you are here or is there something else? You know you can always tell me right."

"I am fine. Please do not worry. I am fine. It's just like...umm...I think I forgot I am not at my place. That's it. Well, where is Ruhi? I'll go and see if she wants to eat something."

I walk right past him with a wide smile on my face simply forgetting that I still have tears in my eyes. Even if I don't see Rajat directly, I know he is not at all convinced by my answer. But how will I even be able to tell him what is bothering me, I just cannot.

"Maa, Rajat Uncle's mother is so nice. She is telling me these amazing stories and she is even going to prepare an extremely delicious lunch for us today. Isn't that exciting? I am going to help her in the kitchen maa."

"Oh aunty, please do not bother. I will prepare the food for all of us today. Please do not tire yourself."

"Don't say like that Purvi. You are not bothering me at all dear and Ruhi, please call me daadi from now onwards. I am like a daadi to you. Don't worry about me, I will manage very well as long as I have my new little chef with me, isn't it Ruhi?"

I feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotions today. My eyes keep on tearing up when I see Ruhi and Rajat's mother prepare lunch so happily in the kitchen. Something pains inside my heart by seeing their relationship. Ruhi seems to be so happy in her presence. The pain in my heart seems to get stronger and suddenly I start to feel very weak. It feels like all the pain has accumulated to a certain spot in my body.

I feel the surroundings around me blur and the sounds get stifled. I manage to get up from the sofa and try to reach the stairs, but my feet don't seem to cooperate. They fail me, just like all my senses are right now. I reach out to the grab the staircase handle but I feel that I miss it, and I start to fall backwards. My back and my head hit something hard and at that time all I hear are muffled "maaa and Purvii" in the background as I start to drift.

...

The pain in the back and neck shots up even before I open my eyes. I know immediately that I am in an unfamiliar setting but with familiar faces. I see him sitting next to me on the bed. He still does not know that I have regained consciousness. I continue to look at him and smile even if I see a worried or even angry expression on his face. It just feels good to have someone next to you, it feels wholesome in an inexplicable way. Without thinking, I simply lift my weak hand and place it on his sitting on the bed.

He jumps. "Oh Purvi, you regained... How are you feeling? Ruhi go and call the doctor upstairs quickly."

I see Ruhi look at me and run downstairs and later see her coming in with a doctor. Both of us refuse to move out hands even while the doctor examines my eyes and checks my pulse. We both pretend there's nothing happening.

"Mrs. Purvi. You fainted because of weakness and exhaustion as it seems. I do not know but I feel that you have not eaten or drunk anything for a long time and you are stressed out and not sleeping well since a long time now. The same behavior will be very harsh for you in the future ma'am, please be careful. By the way, is there something bothering you?"

And it is at that moment that he lifts his hand from mine, without looking at me. I stare at him and then back to the doctor, "I am fine doctor. I've just been a little tired, but I will take care of myself better now. Thanks. "

The doctor prescribes some medicines and Rajat goes to leave him downstairs.

"Oh maa, why did you not tell me that you did not eat anything for a long time? Is it because of why we're here that you got ill? Please maa, let us go from here then. Please maa, let us go, I don't want you to ever get ill because of me. Forgive me maa please", Ruhi tells me before she starts crying in my lap.

"Ruhi, no, no, it is not about you bacha. I am in fact, very happy to be here. Don't you see how many people are here to care for us? I am just a little tired Ruhi, but I assure you that maa will be absolutely fine in some days. Please stop crying now and give me a long hug, come on."

Ruhi hugs me tightly when he enters the room,"I am sorry, I did not know..."

"No it is okay. Please come in."

"How are you feeling now?"

I tell him that I feel much better and then Toshi Aunty even enters the room and sits down next to me.

"I am sorry that I bothered and got you worried. I never meant to do that, Aunty", I tell her and her eyes just well up with tears.

"Purvi if you say that again, I will be very angry. I am like a mother to you dear and a child can never bother or worry her parents right?"

And I feel the pain again, a stinging pain coming from nowhere and piercing right through my heart. She bends down to hug me and I start sobbing in the comfort of her arms and when I open my eyes, Rajat is gone.

Toshi aunty tells Ruhi to sleep with her tonight so that I do not get bothered. I sleep a little and at 7:30, a soft knock wakes me up. It is Rajat, with a platter of food and a box of pills in his hands. He sits me up on the bed before sitting next to me.

"Please do eat the food and take the pills, the doctor said that it is imperative that you do so and...You can go to your place tomorrow, I don't want you to get sick or anything because I told you to come here, I am sorry. I did not want you to get this stressed out because of me."

I stiffen but continue taking tiny morsels of food in my mouth. I can feel he watches me as I struggle to swallow the morsels, but suddenly he stands up and turns around to leave. I just don't want to be alone right now, and immediately, as if it was beyond my control, I see myself grab his wrist and we stare at each other until he sits again on the edge of the bed.

"I am sorry and thank you, it is not about you, please do not blame yourself. It was never about you or me coming here, please be assured. It is just that everything happened so quickly and..."

"And Purvi?"

"And we just ended up here, so unexpectedly, it didn't feel right and...when I see Ruhi with...your mother...I... I..."

I find myself close to crying again. I start to panic that I may reveal it to him, that I can let my guard down and tell him whatever I have buried in my heart for years and show him the part I killed inside me, but I am afraid to do so. He places his hands on mine and looks at me with eyes that I fear have already read everything inside me, haven't they?

"I...really miss my mother when I see Ruhi with yours. It makes me feel bad, feel sick for whatever I have done, both to Ruhi and my parents. Nothing can be rectified now, I ruined everything, it is all over now."

I think a scream comes out of my throat unknowingly and I collapse in his arms, "I ruined everything, I destroyed it. I just ran from there, I did not even think about them. How selfish could I have been? How selfish am I? The parents that loved me so much, my sister, now they must be hating me so much, don't they? I think I should have died earlier, before all this happened, maybe it would have been better, easier."

When I feel the muscles around me stiffen I realize since how long I have been crying in his arms. I leave his embrace and sit on the bed.

"They must be hating me so much Rajat, you know. They must be wondering what kind of selfish daughter they gave birth to and raised for so long. I hate myself, I just hate myself so much."

After a long pause, I hear him say, "do they know about Ruhi?"

The world around me halts as I shake my head and say, "no, they will never understand nor will ever accept her or me."

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