CHAPTER 13
Two months later…
Something you might not know about Sam is that he's always been good at games. Unbeatable. Gin, Yahtzee, Poker, it didn't matter. The gang all finally agreed that Sam should be 'running' game nights instead of playing in them. Which he took to mean invent your own game…
"It's called Sam-gammon!" Sam exclaimed, gleefully as he explained the game to his friends, at the bar one night. "It combines all the best features of all the best games: Candy Land, I Never, Pictionary…"
"Backgammon, obviously." Santana remarked.
"No. Backgammon sucks." Sam replied. "I took the only good part of backgammon, the 'gammon', and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs."
"I'm so excited Rachel's coming." Quinn stated. Finn and Rachel had been dating for two months now and it honestly couldn't have been going better. They connected on every single level.
"Um… I'm going to go get another round." Santana said, standing up and walking away.
"Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight." Finn said. "Puck, I actually like Rachel… a lot, so don't say anything embarrass… you know what? Don't say anything."
Puck protested but Finn rolled his eyes. He then turned to Sam and Quinn.
"Oh, and guys? I haven't exactly told Rachel that used to have a kind of thing for Santana, so if we could just avoid that…"
"Well, well, well." Puck smirked. "How rich? You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet you have been lying to her since day one. So, get your ass off your high horse and sit back down with the rest of us. Finn, doesn't Rachel deserve to know that you once had the hots for Santana. I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return."
Finn's face paled.
"No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that!" Finn spat.
"Ooh, I am smelling dirt! What is the story of the re-return?" Quinn asked.
"Nothing. It's nothing." Finn replied. "And speaking of digging up dirt, can I count on you two to behave around Rachel?" Finn asked Sam and Quinn.
"Us? What would we do?" Quinn asked.
"Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have and, in fact, moved here to get away from. However, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight?"
"Fine." Sam and Quinn grumbled in reply.
"Thank you." Finn replied.
"I should go help Santana." Quinn said, standing up and walking over to Santana.
"Hey." Santana said.
"Hey." Quinn replied. "So, are you going to be okay hanging out with Rachel tonight?"
"Oh, sure. She's great."
Quinn raised an eyebrow.
"What?!" Santana exclaimed. "Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Finn. No, Rachel's great. She's fun, she's free-spirited, she's great. I said she's great too many times, didn't I?"
"You must really hate the bitch." Quinn laughed.
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Two hours later…
"But, if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, then you 'Sam out' and all your chips go into the pot, and remember, if you ever ask the question 'What?', then the buzzer goes and you gotta drink. Got it?"
Sam had just spent 20 minutes trying to explain his insanely complicated game to the group and they were all more confused than ever.
"No idea what you're talking about." They all replied.
"Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just start, you guys will pick it up. Newbie goes first." He said, pointing at Rachel. She nodded and rolled the dice.
"Three!" Sam exclaimed. "You got… Autobiography! Now, that's where you have to answer a personal question about your dating life truthfully in order to move on."
"Dude, come on." Finn muttered.
"Hey, she's the one who rolled a three." Sam replied. "Rachel, have you ever cheated while in a relationship? Wow, good question."
"Look, you don't have to answer that." Finn murmured to his girlfriend.
"It's okay." She laughed. "Um… well, I was in a really crappy relationship in college, and I wound up kissing this guy at a party one night, and I felt terrible about it, so I came clean and we broke up."
"Rachel, that was an honest and mature answer. You may advance to the gumdrop mountains." Sam said.
"So, Rachel, did you ever re-return to this guy?" Puck asked.
"Dude…" Finn growled quietly.
"What?" Rachel asked. Suddenly, the buzzer sounded.
"You said what, you gotta drink!" Sam exclaimed.
"Oh, Puck, by the way, I went to a party in that new building on 82nd, and the host said she knew you." Quinn remarked, casually. "What is her name? Sharon? Shannon?"
"SHANNON?!" Puck shouted, his face going deathly pale. "Shannon, Shannon, no, doesn't ring a bell."
"Really? Well, she gave me a videotape to give…"
"WHERE'S THE TAPE?!" Puck cried. Everyone's eyes widened. Who was the girl that could render Puck this upset.
"Okay, fine. I'll get it." Quinn replied, walking into the kitchen.
"Cool, okay. You know, whenever."
"Okay, Santana, your roll!" Sam stated. Santana rolled the dice.
"Five." She stated.
"Another Autobiography." Sam stated. "For the player to your left, which is… Rachel!"
"Of course it is." Finn sighed.
"Rachel, how many boyfriends did you have before you started dating Finn?"
"Wait, the card actually says Finn?" Finn remarked.
"Okay, uh, well, boyfriends… I guess I've only had… two."
"Prude alert!" Santana exclaimed.
"Well, that's serious boyfriends. I've dated other guys in between."
"Oh, slut alert!" Santana stated. Everyone stared at Santana but they were interrupted when Quinn walked into the room, the tape in her hand. Puck stood up and took it from her.
"Thanks, Quinn. You're a peach." He said, taking the tape and walking back into the kitchen. He then proceeded to use a meat tenderiser to smash the tape to bits. He then walked back into the room. "Oh, wow, look at that. San landed on the Chocolate Swamp. That's five chips for me."
"Thank you! Finally, someone understands Sam-gammon!" Sam remarked.
"Puck, what was on that tape?!" Quinn exclaimed.
"Too bad you'll never find out." Puck replied, smirking triumphantly at her. She grinned back at him.
"Oh, damn it! If only I'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse! Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did!" She exclaimed, whipping the tape out.
"What?!" Puck shouted. The buzzer sounded again.
"Drink." Sam sam. Puck groaned and took a shot.
"Yeah, you were acting so weird about it, I gave you Finn's medal of honor tape instead. So, should we pop it in?"
"Wait, what?" Finn asked. Quinn didn't respond. She just put the tape into the VCR while Finn held Puck back.
"You know what? Fine. Fine." Puck snapped, resigning to sitting back down in his armchair. The tape started moments later…
A hippie-looking Puck with a ponytail and a goatee popped on screen. He was sobbing his eyes out.
"Shannon!" He cried. "I love you! I love you so much!" Hippie-Puck cried. Finn, Sam, Quinn, Santana and Rachel's eyes widened and their jaws dropped. "What about us changing the world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't!"
Then, to make things even more bizarre, Hippie-Puck started singing.
"Will I ever see another rainbow?" He sang, playing along on a piano. "Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please, don't go. There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love. There's a thief in th…"
At that moment, Puck grabbed the tape from the VCR and stormed out of the apartment. None of them knew what to say. That was NOT what they had expected to see!
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"Did you try his cell phone?" Sam asked. The five of them were sitting in the bar and Puck was yet to make an appearance. They hadn't seen him for two hours, ever since he stormed out of the apartment.
"Yeah, I tried his cell. I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid." Finn replied. Suddenly, Puck walked up to them, sitting down at the booth.
"Hey, gues, what up?" He said.
"Puck, where have you been?" Santana asked.
"Yeah, we're really sorry about that." Finn added.
"Yeah, so sorry." Quinn chimed in. "But seriously, what was up with the tape?"
Puck sighed and started to get up but Finn pulled him back down.
"No! Come on! Stay!" Finn exclaimed.
"Look, I don't want to talk about it." Puck said. "It was the most embarrassing and humiliating thing that ever happened to me."
"Well, we all have embarrassing stories. Sometimes it's good to talk about it." Sam said. Puck raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, really? Then why don't you tell us your most humiliating moment, Sam? Show me how good it is." Sam snapped. Sam took a deep breath.
"All right." Sam replied and he began to tell his story. "I was stopping by Quinn's kindergarten class to say hi, but they were all at recess. I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. It was a… a smaller target than I'm used to so I figured I should sit down. What I didn't realise was, the door didn't lock. Some kid walked in to me… doing my business. I sprinted out just as Quinn and her class walked in. Oh, I wish I'd just pulled up my pants first."
Everyone started laughing.
"The kids still call him Funny Butt." Quinn laughed. Puck nodded.
"Okay. I'll tell you my story. Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today. It was 1998. I was just out of college and I was working as a singer at a coffeehouse with my girlfriend. My girlfriend… Shannon…
Many, many, many years ago…
Puck was sitting by the piano in the coffeehouse, finishing the set that he was singing. "Yeah, you were meant for me! And I was meant for you!" He sang before standing up. "Thank you." He stood up and walked over to the back of his cafe where his girlfriend, Shannon, had just poured a customer a cup of coffee.
"I love your singing, Puck." She smiled, kissing him. "And I love you, Shannon." He replied. "Joining the peace corps with you is gonna be legendary!" She exclaimed.
"I know. Only five short weeks till we're down in Nicaragua." He said. "Hey, nonfat latte to go." A man in a suit snapped. Puck nodded.
"Mellow order, bro, mellow order." Puck replied and he started to pour the man a drink. Shannon walked away.
"Dude, that your g-friend?" The guy in the suit asked. "All right, high five!" "Sorry, I only give high twos." Puck replied, making a peace sign.
"Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that." He said. Puck raised an eyebrow.
"Listen to you. That? You know, women aren't objects. They're human beings. And FYI, Shannon and I have decided to wait till we're married." "Hey, haircut, look at me." The man said. "Open up your knowledge basket because here it comes. Forget that touchy-feely crap. You get money, you get laid. End of discussion." "I feel sorry for you, man." Puck said.
Five weeks later, they were all set to leave for the peace corps. Only problem was… she never showed up.
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"She never showed?" Santana asked, sympathetically. Puck shook his head.
"So what happened?" Finn asked. Puck sighed.
"You know what? This was a mistake." He said, starting to get up.
"Wait! What if somebody else told their most humiliating story?" Quinn suggested.
"Ooh, I know how we can decide who!" Sam exclaimed, taking out a portable spinwheel from his game.
"You brought the game to the bar?" Santana laughed.
"Yeah! We're not quitting just cause Finn's so far ahead."
"I was winning?" Finn asked, confused. Sam spun the wheel and it pointed at Rachel. She nodded.
"Okay, how about this? I will tell you my most humiliating story." She agreed.
"Yeah, Rachel, way to step up!" Sam exclaimed.
"Okay, it involves a game of truth or dare, a marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents' retirement community."
Now, Finn had heard a lot of inappropriate stories but there was no way in hell he was repeating that one. Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great.
"That is the greatest story ever!" Sam laughed.
"Oh my God!" Quinn exclaimed.
"Rachel, I deem your offering… worthy." Puck said. "My saga… continues."