A/N: Sorry to everyone who got a bunch of email alerts! I was doing something on here and messed up chapter order, then had to fix it:)

~Panda

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:31

"Well, before we discuss anything else, I believe I need to tell you congratulations, Steve."

Steve took his seat across from Laura, giving her a smile. "Thanks. And I need to tell you there's no way in hell I'd have made it to graduation without you." He stopped, eyes wide, as he realized the words he'd said to his counselor. "Oh. I, um, I didn't mean to say it like that."

Laura only chuckled. "It's fine. You're just emphasizing what you're saying, and it shows me how comfortable you are here."

"Oh. Well, if that's what it does, maybe I should curse in counseling more often. But anyway, I mean it. I wouldn't have graduated if you hadn't been here to help me with everything. I'm really grateful for that."

"It's what I do, Steve, and I'm grateful for the chance to counsel you. So how was the ceremony? What was your day like?"

"It was good. I think I cried as much as I smiled. So did my dad. Soda too."

"It must be nice to have people in your life who are that proud of you."

"Yeah. It is. They kept telling me too. And I told them both how much they mean to me because I don't believe I would've gotten to walk across that stage without them."

"I know they appreciate hearing you express that sentiment outloud."

"Yeah. They deserve to hear me say how important they are in my life, and it's something I need them to always know."

"From everything I've heard from you about both your dad and Sodapop, I'm certain you mean just as much to them as they do to you."

"Yeah. And, man, it felt good to graduate. Like a real accomplishment."

"Because it is a real accomplishment."

"It's always a big deal for anybody on my side of town to finish high school cause it's just not expected. I've told you about my buddy, TwoBit. I don't think he expected himself to ever make it, but he did once he really tried. Ponyboy will graduate in a couple years, but he's so smart, there's never been any doubt. As proud as Soda is of me, I can't even imagine how he'll be with that kid."

"Even aside from societal expectations, I see you graduating high school as a significant milestone because of how you were confronting so much of your trauma during your senior year. And not only did you finish, you did very well, from what you've told me. Even though you spent the year coping with flashbacks, suicidal thoughts, and your suicide attempt, you were able to maintain good grades. That says a lot about how determined you must've been."

"Yeah. I think always having somebody to talk to helped a lot with that. And, I don't know, keeping up with my assignments and focusing on them, that was something I could do and control when there wasn't much else I could change or stop."

"That makes sense, Steve."

"I think I look at it that way cause of what you said about me feeling out of control when I was being abused, then feeling like that again when Soda got shot."

"That's another facet here. You were still a few months away from graduating when Sodapop suffered his own trauma, and you helped him cope with it as well."

"I went to Dr. Morgan's office with him on Monday. He didn't even ask me to. I just said I was coming cause he had some things to tell her, and I wanted to be there after if he needed me. But then, I ended up in there with him."

"What happened?"

"Soda was asking for me, so Dr. Morgan came and got me from the waiting room. She's good about stuff like that, and it really helps him. Anyway, I knew there was stuff he'd been thinking about and feeling that he had a hard time saying to me, and it made him get all panicky and anxious. After he was calmer, I told him I could leave him alone with Dr. Morgan, but he wanted me to stay."

"So I take it you did? Were you comfortable with that?"

"Yeah. I mean, as long as it was fine with Soda, you know? But then, he was worried about me too cause of the things he was about to say. I told him it was okay though, if it was what he needed."

"I've certainly been able to see you two always look out for the wellbeing of one another, no matter what's going on."

"Yeah. And this time was no different. Not even when he started talking about my overdose. I already knew something to do with that was bothering him. I just didn't know exactly what. I'd thought maybe he was worried about me doing it again or not telling him about it if I have those feelings after he's felt like he has. But it was worse than that. I'm still having a hard time talking about it, and I don't know if this is a weird thing to say or not, but it really breaks my heart."

"I don't think that's a weird thing to say at all. If it's a true expression of how you're feeling, then it's what you should say."

"It is. Cause it does break my heart to know Soda feels like he wasn't there for me when I needed him."

"That reminds me of how you felt after Sodapop got shot, even though you weren't at fault for what occurred and still couldn't have prevented the robber's actions, if you had been there at the DX."

"Yeah. I guess it is a lot like that. Except I did this. I'm the one who made the choice, and Soda feels guilty about it."

"That sort of complicated guilt is actually a common reaction to suicides and to attempts. Think about this, Steve. You felt guilty about Clara's death, and she was someone who manipulated and abused you. You're Sodapop's best friend, someone he loves, so nearly losing you was even more likely to bring feelings of guilt along with the grief."

"Yeah. It makes sense. I just didn't know. It's not his fault, and I knew he was there for me. I hate that both him and my dad have felt like this. There was nothing they could've done to stop me because they didn't know what I was doing."

"I think the very fact that there's nothing they could've done is exactly what tends to induce the feelings of guilt. It's hard to accept that you were powerless to help someone you love so much."

"Damn right it is. See? I'm cursing again. I must really be comfortable."

"I believe you are, which is always good to know, but especially when we're talking about things like this."

"It's just so frustrating because I wish I could make that go away for Soda."

"What did you have to do with your feelings of guilt? I'm referring to how you've felt in response to Clara's death and the shooting, as well as your own suicide attempt. What do you think helped you come to terms with this reactive emotion?"

"I guess just seeing the guilt for what it is and admitting it was there. It helped to understand where it all comes from."

"You needed to acknowledge the feelings and process them."

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"Sodapop probably has to do the same, and though you can't make the feelings go away for him, I'm certain your presence and the fact that you're so active in helping him cope are key to his recovery. But I want to remind you again to take care of yourself too, Steve. I'm concerned that the guilt Sodapop is expressing could trigger your own, especially since your attempt really wasn't so long ago."

"I'd have thought it would do that too, but I'm actually okay. It's like if I'm listening to him talk about this, I'm just hearing him. I'm not focusing on myself at all. I mean, it bothers me that this is about what I did to myself, but I'm not feeling like I did right after my overdose. I think it's really sunk in that I couldn't see straight then and was just reacting to the pain."

"You've come very far in how you view your actions that day."

"Yeah. And, like I told Soda, I don't regret it now. I couldn't have been there for him the way I was after the shooting and everything if I didn't know what it was like to go to that place in my head. I regret hurting him and my dad, but that's a different thing, you know? This might be strange to say, but I think my attempt is something I've learned a lot from, and as much as it hurt, it's become kind of a blessing in disguise."

"I love you, Penny. I hope I wasn't being too much of a jerk the other day."

Penny sat down on Soda's bed, reaching out to squeeze his hand. "I love you too, and I didn't think you were a jerk at all, Sodapop. I never expected this to be easy for you, so it's okay that it's not."

Soda, freshly showered and clad in only a pair of jeans, sat down beside Penny, keeping hold of her hand. "But I don't ever want to make it any harder for you than it already is. That's not what you need from me."

"You're not making it harder for me. I need you to be honest, and that's what you're doing."

Soda touched the heart-shaped locket that hung around Penny's neck, as he smiled at her. "You know, everyone says I have the best heart, but I think yours is awful sweet too."

"You're okay, Son. Listen to my voice, and try to focus on where you are."

Steve felt Nicholas' gentle hand on his back, as images and sensations from the past gripped his mind. Haunting green eyes were trained on him, as ever-wandering deviant hands violated his body, eliciting a shame that would settle into his soul. "Dad. Keep talking. Please."

Nicholas got down beside Steve, who had lowered himself to the floor, keeping a hand on his son's back. "You're safe at home, Son. We both just got here. You're in the living room, and the TV is on. Do you hear it?"

Steve nodded ever so slightly, though his gaze didn't move up. He resisted the urge to close his eyes, as he was sucked into the feel of another body pressed against his own, his fingers then forced to aid in the pursuit of twisted pleasure. "Dad, please stay right here."

"I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry about that, Son."

Steve's mind flashed, going forward to make him feel the white capsules in his mouth, the taste of Coke washing them down. "I don't want to die, Dad."

Nicholas leaned so that he could catch Steve's gaze. "You're not dying, Son. You're having a hard time, but you'll get through it. You always do."

Steve focused on the blue of his dad's eyes, as he felt the tears fill his own. "No. Not now. I mean, I feel like" He looked over at the couch, the present mixing with the past, as the ghost of an ache moved through his stomach. "that day."

Nicholas followed Steve's eyes, as he took his son's hand. "What day?"

Steve's mind still assaulted him with the pictures of long ago, even as they carried him back to the day that wasn't buried so deep in the past. "My overdose. I feel like then. Clara and that too."

Nicholas saw Steve press a hand to his stomach, as his eyes clenched shut. "Are you feeling sick?"

Steve felt a wave of nausea course through his stomach, as he nodded. "Yeah. Cause it made me sick, Dad. It made me so sick."

Nicholas guided Steve's head to rest on his shoulder, as he sent unspoken prayers up to Heaven. "I know it did. But it's over now, Son."

Steve buried his face in Nicholas's shoulder, his stomach far from settled, as he began to weep. "It hurt so bad. Everything hurt that day, Dad."

Nicholas felt a tear slip down his cheek, as he stroked the back of Steve's head, doing what he could do soothe his son. "I know. But it's okay now. Everything's okay, I promise."

Steve only sobbed harder, even as his mind was now anchored in the present. "I thought- I thought I was okay about it now."

"That doesn't mean it'll never bother you, Son. But you're so much better. I can see that in you all the time."

"It's been so long since I had a flashback like that though."

"But you've been talking about this a lot lately, and those memories are still there. You just saw Laura today too, so I can see why it could happen now."

Steve caught his breath, the sobs beginning to slow down to small hiccups. "I told her about Soda and how he's been feeling."

"I figured you must have."

"I don't want to stop talking with him about this, Dad."

"You don't have to, Son. Just make sure you take time for yourself too. Make sure you can always take a step back to see how you're doing."

Steve kept his head on Nicholas' shoulder, as he wiped the remaining tears away. "Laura told me to make sure I take care of myself cause she doesn't want my guilt triggered too."

"So has it been? Are you feeling guilty again?"

"No. It's not like that. I think I'm just remembering, and that's something I'll never stop doing. The memories will always be there, and they'll never totally lose their strength."

"You've gotta give them space, man."

Soda only vaguely heard Steve's voice, his best friend's hands pulling him back from the scene, as medics quickly assessed Pony.

Steve saw the cops milling around nearby, watching it all unfold. He shot a glare in their direction, as he caught a glimpse of TwoBit standing on the periphery, sadness covering his face.

Soda felt Steve's hands tighten on his shoulders, as Pony was moved onto a stretcher. He looked over at Darry, whose eyes weren't leaving their still-unconscious little brother. "Darry, we gotta go with him."

Darry broke out of the stupor he'd fallen into, as the stretcher was wheeled toward the waiting ambulance. "I know, little buddy. We will."

Steve's eyes found their way to the spot where Dallas had been stricken down under the street light, his blood still on the pavement. He then felt Soda slide from his distracted grip.

Soda shared a momentary glance with his best friend, as his feet carried him over to the ambulance. He climbed in, settling next to Darry, both older brothers near Pony when the doors slammed shut behind them.

"Hey, you okay, Stevie? I was going to see if you wanted to go hang out at the park or something."

Steve lie on his side, facing away from Soda, his face still red and blotchy from the way he'd cried earlier. "Um, maybe in a little bit, Soda."

Soda moved closer, perching on the edge of the bed, noticing when Steve didn't turn over to look at him. "Did something happen?"

Steve hesitated for a moment, before turning over to his back. "Yeah. I guess you could say it did."

Soda could see where tears had streaked Steve's face, his red-rimmed eyes also giving him away. "What was it, buddy? Why do you look like that? Is it cause you saw Laura today?"

Steve gave Soda a grin, as he sat up, seeing the concern that was clear in not only his best friend's questions, but also his face. "Yeah. Kind of."

"Kind of? What's that mean?"

"I, uh, had a flashback right after I got home."

Soda noticed how Steve's eyes had dropped away from him, seemingly focused on the sky blue sheets that covered the unmade bed. "Okay. Was it cause you and Laura were talking about stuff? I know that's triggered them before."

"Yeah. I guess it was that. And it's good my dad was here cause I had a hard time with it. It's been months since I've, um, had one anything like that."

"Like what? What do you mean?"

"Nothing. I, uh, just mean the memories were really strong. And, um, I didn't need to be by myself."

"You ain't so great at lying either, Stevie."

"Damn it. I know I'm not. I swear I used to be better."

"Me and you have been through too much together to be good at that now."

"Yeah. I guess that's true."

"You always want me to be honest with you cause that's the best way, right? I can't help if I don't know something."

Steve's gaze moved back up to Soda, the earnestness in his best friend's expression making the words almost come, only for him to decide to hold them back. "We talk like this too much, man."

Soda shrugged, as he grinned, touching Steve's shoulder. "Yeah, well, that's okay. If I want to have heart-to-heart's with my best friend, I have heart-to-heart's with my best friend."

Steve lightly chuckled. "Gee, I wonder where you could've gotten that logic."

"I don't know. Maybe somebody who's real wise and doesn't give a damn about anything else, but making sure his best buddy has what he needs."

"Sounds like a great guy."

"He is. Except he can be a pain in the ass, what with changing the subject and all."

Steve sighed, as he rubbed his face with both hands. "Yeah, yeah. I did that. But I'm just worried."

"Worried? About what?"

"About telling you this."

"Then, that means you really need to get it off your chest. I mean, you don't have to tell me anything, and I won't make you, if you say you don't want to. But-"

"Soda, I had a flashback of my overdose."

"Oh. Um, it has been a long time since that's happened."

"Yeah. It hasn't since, you know, right after."

"Is it cause of how me and you have been talking about it so much?"

"I think so."

"Did you tell Laura about how you came in Dr. Morgan's office with me?"

"I did."

"I, um, I think I'm going to walk to the park. You can come with me if you want, but you don't have to. I just need..."

Steve saw Soda start to get to his feet and reached for his shirt sleeve. "Hey, it's okay, man. I'm okay."

"But you- you only had that flashback cause-"

"Yeah. But I had them before. It happens."

Soda took a long breath, quiet for a few moments, before he put his arms around Steve and held him close.

Steve returned the embrace, letting his head rest on Soda's shoulder. "This is why I was worried about telling you. I don't want you to feel bad."

"I don't want to either, but I do."

"It's real messed up, ain't it?"

"What is?"

"Guilt. It makes you feel guilty for feeling guilty."

Soda didn't reply, as he kept hugging Steve, his heart falling to a place he couldn't yet put into words.

"Don't try to shove this down, man. It's all right to feel whatever you are."

"I'm supposed to be comforting you."

"You are." Steve pulled back from the embrace and gripped each of Soda's shoulders. "Come on, and let's go to the park, buddy. I could use a walk."

"I'm sorry, Steve. So sorry."

"For what? Why do you think you owe me an apology?"

"Cause I told you about feeling guilty and- and it hurt you. You wouldn't have had the flashback if I hadn't told you anything to do with your overdose was bothering me."

"I wanted you to tell me, Soda. I wouldn't go back and change that, even if I could. Those memories hurt me, but it's not because of you."

"What was it you were remembering exactly?"

Steve couldn't stop himself from sighing, as his hands dropped from Soda's shoulders. "I don't know if hearing that will help you any, man."

"It'll help you though, Stevie. And you say that being there for me helps you heal and stuff, so maybe it would be good for me to listen too."

"Yeah. Maybe."

"You already told me some about that day when I was struggling the most with the suicidal thoughts. And I told you everything I remember about the shooting."

"That's true."

"You're always saying that you want me to tell you about stuff, even if it might hurt you to hear it."

"Yeah. I know."

"So let me listen, Stevie. I feel like I wasn't there when you needed me then, like I didn't do enough. So please let me go through it with you this time."

"Mom? Where are you? I can't wake up."

Soda stood up from his chair at the sound of Pony's voice, the confusion in the plea making him take his little brother's hand and lean close to his ear. "Hey, Pone. It's me, Soda. You're in the hospital, but the doc says you'll be all right real soon."

Darry sat on the other side of Pony's hospital bed, his fingers stroking his youngest brother's cheek, as he moved around in his sleep. "Shh. You're okay, Pony. All you've gotta do now is rest."

"Dad? Johnny, I don't like bologna."

Soda's face filled with a questioning look, as he laid his head on the pillow beside Pony's, attempting to soothe what remained of the delirium. "We're here, little brother. Me and Darry are here. You're safe from everything now."

"Dally, you gotta help us. Where are my brothers? Please help me find Darry and Soda."

Darry put his hand in Pony's blond hair that had been dyed and cut short in the name of a disguise, as he pressed his lips to his brother's temple. "We're here with you, Pony. You didn't lose us."

Soda watched as Pony's body relaxed, his and Darry's comfort and presence giving their youngest brother the reassurance he needed to fall deeply back into the slumber that would aid in his recovery.

"Are you for real, man? I could never do anything like that."

Soda lifted himself onto the bar beside Steve, both of them on the park's jungle gym. "I think you could. You'd be great at it too."

Steve leaned his head on the bar above him, his future not a visible entity, as he looked up at the sky. "I don't know. I just can't see it."

"I can. I've seen it lots of times."

"But it's different with you. You're my best friend."

"Still." Soda looked down at his feet that were dangling above the ground made of dirt and patches of green grass. "So are you going to let me?"

"Am I going to let you what?"

"Are you going to let me listen?"

"I'm not sure, man."

"The only thing I want to do is be your best friend."

"You are. You always are."

"You always call me your brother when I need to hear it the most."

"Cause you're that too."

"You've spent whole nights up with me, making sure I could talk through everything and never be alone with any of it."

"And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat."

"You never let me hurt by myself, not even if I try to say I want you to."

"Of course not, buddy. I couldn't."

"Well, I can't let you either. Especially not when you did it for years."

"But I'm not hurting by myself now."

"It hurts me to look back on when we were kids cause I remember stuff that makes so much sense now."

"I know, man. But, like I've said before, you were still there for me everyday just by being my friend."

"Sometimes, it feels like this past year wasn't even real. Like I'll wake up and realize none of it happened."

"That's cause it's a lot for just a year, and you haven't had time to process it all yet."

"Process, huh? And you think you couldn't do what I was saying?"

"Like I said, it's different with you, especially since I can relate."

"You do a hell of a lot more than relate, Stevie. No matter what it is I'm saying, you jump on into it with me, like it's the most natural thing in the world."

"I think we need to go home and get some rest, little buddy."

Soda shook his head at Darry's suggestion, not moving from his place at Pony's bedside. "No. We can't leave him, Darry."

Darry sighed at the expected response, as he came to stand beside his middle brother. "He's asleep, Sodapop. And I have to take care of you too. Besides, they're going to make us leave soon anyway. Visiting hours are over."

Soda's eyes found their way to Pony's face, the youngest Curtis sleeping soundly, despite the shock of grief and the visible bruises on his pale skin. "Are you sure he's going to be okay? He looks like he's been through hell and back."

Darry reached out and lifted the white sheet further up to tuck Pony in, believing his little brother's mind had finally quieted down enough to let him begin to recuperate. "That's because he has been, but yes, I'm sure. His fever's gone down, and the doctor said he just wants to keep an eye on him with the concussion."

"But I'm scared anyway."

"I know, little buddy. You've been through a lot tonight too. That's why I want us to go home. I don't want you to get sick too, if I can help it."

"What if something happens, and we ain't here?"

"Then, they'll call us. But I think he'll just sleep all night."

"I'm afraid of letting him out of my sight, Dar. I want to stay."

"You can't, Soda. Even if they would let you, I'm telling you no."

"I'm almost seventeen. I think I can decide where to spend the night. I spent every night for a week without him, and I ain't about to spend another."

"This is not the same as not knowing where he is, Pepsi Cola. They won't let you stay all night, and you need to sleep in a bed. You're coming home with me, whether you like it or not."

"Damn. And I thought I was stubborn."

Soda chuckled, as he saw Steve roll his eyes, the two friends now moving along the sidewalk. "Oh, you are. Where do you think I learned it?"

Steve smiled, as he heard his best friend's laughter, the sound one that didn't betray the seriousness of all they'd been talking about that evening. "Yeah, well, I'll take that as a compliment then, man."

"I think you've gotta be stubborn to get through the shit we've had to deal with."

"Yeah. That's true."

"I ain't trying to push you into anything, Stevie. I hope you know that."

"I do know that. I get where you're coming from."

"Yeah. I guess you would."

"Soda, you do know you've done a lot for me, right?"

Soda looked down, focused on kicking a pebble on the concrete, as he walked. "Yeah, sure."

"You don't sound like you believe it. And you've been talking like you think I've done more for you or something."

"Cause you have."

"I don't think so, man."

"It's just how I feel."

"But I always tell you how much it means that you were there for me, that you're still here for me."

"And I hear you. I just- I don't know. I guess I'm having a tough time seeing straight."

"I get it, buddy. But I'm telling you again that you've helped me a lot in ways nobody else could have. I couldn't even be here for you the way I am if you hadn't been the friend that you are. So even if I've gotta remind you sometimes, I don't want you to ever lose sight of that."