Chapter Eleven: Realization, and Guilt

POV: John-117

Date: 2531

Reference: During and After Chapters 12 and 13 of Lost

oOOOo

(TW: Graphic battle in a later scene)

There was a weight on my back. The smell told me it was a Jackal.

Something ripped the Jackal off of me before it could do much more than snarl in my ear. I turned to see Tawny, her hand extended, break the floating Jackal's neck.

She looked uninjured. How she'd remained unhurt, despite her fragility, I couldn't begin to guess. But I was grateful that she was.

As the Jackal's body fell I turned towards the elevator. "Let's move."

"Let's." Tawny stepped into the elevator beside me.

The Domain was throwing warnings desperately at me. They were warning Tawny too, if her elevated heartbeat and subtly quickened breath was any indicator.

She reached up and wrapped her small hand around mine. My heart jumped. She was so tiny, or I was so big, that she could only wrap her hand around three of my fingers.

She needed to be protected.

An invisible force jerked Tawny out of my hand and onto the floor of the temple. She was outside of the elevator, which had just sealed its door between the two of us.

I shoved myself forward as an Elite deactivated its camouflage and gloated over Tawny. My fist smashed a massive dent in the clear walls of the elevator but it didn't break through.

Then the elevator descended, and I couldn't see Tawny.

I reminded myself that Tawny had killed plenty of Elites. I knew she would be alright.

So, with a bitter disposition, I began prepping myself to face the Prophet of Regret's Honor Guard. No doubt it would be massive and imposing, but I would be fine. I always was.

The elevator had stopped descending, and was following a track along the bottom of the lake. Gunk and freshwater kelp and abnormal fish loomed out of the gloom.

There was water leaking in from the cracks where I'd tried to punch through the wall. It was a small leak so I wasn't too concerned.

"I'm okay. It was just one Sangheili." Tawny's lilting and slightly scared voice filled my helmet. "A-are you going to be alright on your own?"

She was alright. Functional.

I ran a few calculations and came to one distinct conclusion; she would be safer back on the ship, and I would be fine without her assistance.

I couldn't entirely mask the relief in my tone when I said, "I'll be fine. Go back to the drop point and call for evac; I'll meet you soon."

As expected, she didn't like that idea.

"Are you sure? I could- I can try to fly across to the temple," she offered.

But that would leave her vulnerable from all sides. Alone, floating through the air.

I shook my head. "It's too risky. Have Sergeant Johnson pick you up."

As far as I knew Johnson was still running air support. He would keep Tawny safe when I wasn't there to.

Still, Tawny beseeched me in a soft voice, "Please comm if you need help."

My heart was gripped by how much I cared about her. The way she was so willing to put herself in danger, despite being so weak and despite having no training.

"I will," I assured her.

The elevator began moving up again. I left the channel and refocused on the battle ahead.

In the initial rush of everything, Kelly and I had been separated from our teammates.

That fact was kept in the back of my mind throughout the action; dealing with the Gravemind and trying to kill the Prophets had been more important.

Our window to escape was closing rapidly.

Our escape plan was to sneak aboard a Forerunner ship carrying the High Prophet of Truth.

We hadn't been able to locate or neutralize him, but when his ship reached Earth Kelly and I ejected and landed safely in the jungles of southeastern Africa.

It wasn't until we got back to the New Mombasa military base that I realized something was wrong. Even then, I didn't notice until after my debrief.

Fred was waiting for me outside the officer's door. His shoulders were slumped and his general posture a little more downcast than usual.

"Frederic?"

Fred pulled his helmet on and offered me a decidedly apologetic look. "John."

"Where's Tawny?" I asked; I hadn't seen her and I wanted to make sure she was alright.

She'd had to report back to the drop point by herself. I knew she had powers, and she was strong in her own way, but her physical weakness couldn't be overlooked. It was still a weakness.

Fred placed a hand on my arm. "John, she never reported back to the LZ."

"What?" My voice held more emotion than I meant it to.

Tawny hadn't reported in? She'd never gone back to the ship?

I'd been hoping she'd gone back with Fred and Linda and Johnson. But if she hadn't reported back, she could have been killed.

She was either dead or stranded on the ring. Or in Covenant custody.

"She's a civilian, so they're handling it different, but for now she's MIA," Fred said in an attempt to help me.

That was no comfort. Of all the people I'd grown up alongside, most of them were dead. And aside from Sam all of them that had died in combat were listed as MIA.

I'd seen some of them die, I set their armor to self-destruct myself, but they weren't listed as KIA. SPARTANs never die.

I reasoned that Tawny wasn't a SPARTAN. If they were treating her as MIA, she was genuinely MIA.

But that was worse. MIA meant we didn't know where she was. She could be dead, or in any manner of pain. With KIA there was closure, there was only worry and stress with an MIA case.

I was thankful for my helmet. I knew Fred could tell from my posture that I was upset, but non-augmented personnel simply couldn't read someone in armor that well. But my face would have certainly betrayed the pit that had fallen out somewhere inside me. A familiar pit, but that didn't make it any less painful this time around.

My jaw was clenched, my nostrils flared, and my eyes ached. My fists were so tightly clenched I could feel my armored fingertips depressing my palm even through the biosuit.

When I didn't say anything Fred patted my arm and walked away.

He was upset too. His gaze was downcast and his shoulders slumped ever so slightly. There was less of a spring to his step; not that there had been much of one to begin with in his armor.

My throat felt raw. I took a few breaths, a trick I'd seen her use, and closed my eyes.

When they opened I saw some of the foot traffic in the hall giving me wary attention. There was a wider berth around me than normal. I could hear the elevated heartbeats from the two Corporals nearest me, walking swiftly past as if they could avoid my detection.

I wasn't going to have a breakdown out here. I refused.

So I turned and started walking towards the barracks. Blue Team had been assigned here for the time being, and during my debrief the officer had given me the on-base info I needed.

The room I'd been given, in the Senior NCO Hall, was fairly standard. A reinforced bed in the far right corner, a desk beside that along the right wall, and a locker in the corner immediately left of the door.

When I ducked into the room the door sealed behind me with a decisive hiss.

My hands were in fists at my sides. I was breathing harder than usual, though I did try to control that and make the breaths more even.

I shut my eyes and turned my face up to the ceiling. Working my jaw and trying to reconcile the grief tearing at my chest from the inside.

This grief was familiar, but different.

My grief had always been for people who I'd known my entire life. People who were my family, but distant coworkers at the same time. People who were prepared to die in combat like I was.

But Tawny was a civilian. Someone I'd sworn to protect. Someone who I wanted to keep safe, and hold, and spend all of my time with. Time she didn't have anymore.

I hadn't known Tawny for very long. We'd met in November, so I'd only known her for seven months. That was staggeringly short; I felt like I'd known her for my entire life.

But in those short seven months she'd treated me in a way no one had ever treated me before. Not just her romantic advances, which I'd surprised myself in genuinely returning, but in how she saw me.

She was one of the only non-augmented humans who wasn't repulsed by me. By my scars and my abilities. By my pale skin and uncannily quick motions.

And she saw me as a person. Not a SPARTAN, not even a soldier, but a human being. She didn't support what I'd been through. I hadn't even realized before her that it was wrong. I wouldn't change what I'd been through, but now at least I knew that it wasn't normal.

But Tawny was gone. My lifeline to normalcy. My small, innocent, unwavering person who'd always been willing to defend me, despite her own weakness.

She had been a part of my team. I had ordered her to report back to the LZ.

If she was dead, even if it was indirect, I had killed her.

oOOOo

"Chief, you've got incoming from the south."

I ducked behind a boulder and checked the ammo in my rifle. "Roger that, Linda. What's the status on our diversion?"

"They're almost done setting the charges."

"Affirmative," Kelly confirmed. "Charges set and blowing in ten, nine..."

As she sent the countdown to my HUD I said, "Regroup and prepare to advance."

"We're on it, Chief," Frederic assured me.

At the end of the countdown an explosion shook the ground. It was roughly half a mile away from me, on the opposite side of the massive Covenant encampment we were handling.

In time with the explosion a scouting squad of Grunts rounded the bend and spotted me. I took them out with controlled bursts and bolted towards the camp. I could see Linda's marker on my HUD, placing her atop the cliff at my back.

My HUD confirmed that Kelly and Fred were advancing towards the camp from the flank. Our plan was to draw them towards the explosions and pin them against the far canyon wall.

There were stragglers near me. That was expected. I razed Grunts and Jackals and made it halfway through the camp before I encountered an Elite.

He loomed out of the stirred-up dust, his silhouette stained by the blue of his energy sword.

"Demon," he snarled. "Your rampage stops here and now!"

I didn't respond to the declaration. I just yanked a grenade off of my hip and threw it towards him. He flung himself away from the grenade and I opened fire on his exposed side.

He recovered into a smooth roll and launched himself towards me. I sidestepped and shot several bursts into his back. There was a spurt of blood when his shields failed.

His crazed roar got my blood pumping for the first time in a long time. I felt a familiar, nostalgic flicker at the base of my skull.

The Domain.

I thought it was gone. I thought I couldn't reach it without Tawny. But this time it reached me.

It wasn't like it used to be. I wasn't sucked out of my body and brought to a strange hallway with a strange being that made even Kurt and Jorge seem small. It wasn't like that at all; I saw things.

I saw an Elite with sadistic grey eyes. I felt the pain he had inflicted. I felt his joy at watching humans writhing in pain and sobbing for mercy.

For reasons that I couldn't name the Elite filled me with untappable rage. I couldn't hone it, I couldn't control it.

All I could do was what the rage commanded, which was to unleash my fury on the Elite in front of me.

In the split second that I had paused he'd pushed himself to his feet and began to charge me. I didn't dodge, didn't ready my rifle.

In fact I dropped my rifle. I needed to hurt this Elite with my own hands. I needed to feel him die.

I met the Elite's charge with one of my own and threw him into the ground behind me. He left a notable indent in the sand, and it was sticky with his blood.

I pulled him up by his left two jaws and kneed him in the throat. The armor on my knee cut into his neck and he let out a wheezing gurgle.

I tossed him away and kicked him in the gut. He groaned. It sounded wet.

He was dying.

That didn't stop him from staggering to his feet and lighting his sword. He tried to say something but no discernible words escaped his ruined throat.

I took several decisive steps towards him and slammed the sword out of his shaking hand. When my elbow rammed back into his head he collapsed.

I regarded him with disgust.

Fucking Elites. They held themselves so highly in regard to every other species. Treated humans - the species I was made to protect - like rats to be tormented and killed.

With a growl I drove my foot into his gut again. The metal broke his tough skin and blood spurted out onto my leg. His entire body convulsed and he made a broken, pained sound.

It wasn't enough.

I pulled my pistol out and shot him through the skull.

As soon as he was dead I snapped out of it. The wrath was gone. All that was left was aftershocks.

Whatever had just happened was very, very bad. I could not be allowed to lose control of myself like that. I had been a liability.

"Chief?" Linda asked. "You got still, are you alright?"

I looked down at the Elite for a second, then scooped my rifle up. "Affirmative, Linda. How are things on the far wall?"

"Roughly thirty survivors. Kelly's nearly there. Fred's a thousand feet away and closing."

I nodded, more to myself than anything, and started towards them at a jog. "As soon as they're pinned take out as many as you can."

"Got it, Chief."

oOOOo

"What was that back there?"

I didn't answer Linda. I was sitting in the blood tray of the Pelican and staring down at my blood-covered leg.

"Chief," she demanded.

She was the only one who'd seen my rampage. And I knew if I looked up I would have seen her hard eyes. There would have been concern behind them.

So I didn't look up. And I didn't take my helmet off.

I was a soldier, and I would never hesitate to kill an Elite. But I had never been so desperate to cause one pain.

Like he hurt them.

Who was he? Why had the Domain showed me that Elite? And why had his existence made me so unbearably angry?

I heard Fred advise Linda to leave me alone for the time being.

That Elite was connected to Tawny somehow.

Maybe that Elite had killed her. She was listed MIA - whatever the civilian equivalent of MIA was - but that just meant that nobody knew where she was. That left a distinct possibility that she had died.

I had sent her back to the LZ by herself. She could have encountered any number of Covenant soldiers on her way.

She'd probably died before she even reached the stone temple.

oOOOOo

Author's Note: Here ya go! Credit to the amazing lier90912 for giving me the idea to write John's perspective of Tawny's month with the Covenant! This concept will be further explored next chapter :)

Also! I'm ditching chronological order for this story (sorry). I just have so many fun ideas and characters to expand on, and we're already roughly halfway through Lost with this chapter. So Fuck the timeline, yk?

Anywho I love all of you so much!