Happy Tuesday!
I hope you're having a lovely week so far.
Thank you again for all the amazing amazing amazing comments on this story. I continue to be blown away. You're the best!
And thank you to Christine, my super beta who makes my writing a lot more decent lol. She's the best, too!
Enjoy!
Their hands were still tangled, long after the funeral was over.
Everyone had left. Most people had stopped to squeeze Blaine's shoulder or to give him a quick hug. Every little interaction had been impersonal, had felt distant, as if it was happening to someone else. Blaine could only nod – he couldn't even thank them for their condolences. He didn't even know these people well. Most had been Cooper's coworkers or acquantainces, the few who had shown up.
His brother was dead and the world didn't seem to care.
Blaine felt numb. He had stopped crying, but he couldn't take his eyes away from the newly-dug grave. Somewhere not far away, his parents and his grandmother were also buried. His entire family. He was the last of the Andersons. One day, he would end up here, too.
He had no idea how long they stood there. He felt as if he could just fly away, disappear, vanish completely. The only thing keeping him grounded was Kurt's hand in his.
Kurt. How had he known?
He finally turned to look at him. There were tear tracks on Kurt's face, real pain in his eyes. Blaine wondered if Kurt had heard his broken heart cry out for him. He had been the only person he wanted by his side, and the only one he didn't know how to contact.
But he had come anyway.
Kurt must have noticed him staring, because he tilted his head to look at him, the saddest smile on his face. He moved until he was standing right in front of him and cupped Blaine's face with his free hand.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice laced with grief. "I'm so sorry, Blaine."
Blaine took a deep breath. He felt his lower lip tremble as he spoke: "My big brother's gone, Kurt."
Kurt pressed his lips to his forehead and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer. "I know," he choked out. "I know, sweetheart, and I'm sorry."
"How did you know?" Blaine asked, as he gasped, trying to hold back the tears. He had been crying non-stop since the previous day, and he was so tired. He felt devastated and exhausted, and so, so done with the world. He wanted to hide in his bed and never come out again.
"I stopped by the hospital to see you and Gretta told me," Kurt explained quietly. He talked with his mouth against Blaine's temple, as if he couldn't stand to break the contact. "I... I feel sick to my stomach, so I can't imagine how you must feel."
Blaine didn't say anything. He didn't want to tell Kurt he felt worse than sick to his stomach. He felt as if an invisible hand was slowly and painfully removing each of his organs, leaving him so empty he didn't know what to do. There was nothing inside of him anymore – only the pain and the regret and the guilt.
Reluctantly, Kurt took a step back, but didn't let go of him. "Tell me what you need."
Blaine blinked at him, not knowing what to say. What he needed, he couldn't have.
Kurt seemed to understand because he pressed his lips together and sniffled. "Do you have to be anywhere right now?" He asked instead. "Did you plan a wake or anything?"
Blaine shook his head. The funeral was as far as he got, and only because there was no one else to plan it. He couldn't stand the idea of having people over, filling his fridge with casseroles and his apartment with good intentions. At the end of the day, they would go home and go on with their lives. At the end of the day, they would probably remember Cooper with a smile and move on. Blaine couldn't sit there and watch everyone laugh as they remembered his brother – all he wanted was to curl up and cry until his eyes dried out, until he was tired enough to sleep. All he wanted, actually, was to rewind, to go back to yesterday, when he and Cooper had been making plans for something so different than this. They had planned for a future Cooper would never get to be a part of.
"Do you need to stay here a little longer?" Kurt murmured. "I can give you some time and space, wait until you're ready to go."
He would never be ready to go, just as he hadn't been ready to let his brother go.
But he had to leave. That was the hardest part – Cooper could rest, he was no longer suffering, but Blaine... Blaine had to leave him. Blaine had to walk out of this cemetery and return to his life even though a huge chunk of it was now laying in the ground. This was the curse of the living. You had to learn to be incomplete.
He looked back at the grave and he suddenly felt claustrophobic.
"No, I don't want to stay," he said. He didn't want to leave his brother but he didn't want to be here.
"Okay," Kurt said softly. "Come on."
Blaine let Kurt guide him out without asking any questions. He had no idea where he was taking him. He was barely aware of his feet moving, and the still firm grip of Kurt's hand. He was so glad he hadn't let go – he wasn't sure he could keep going if he did.
Soon they were in a cab, and Blaine closed his eyes and leaned his head on the cold glass of the window. He felt it was the first moment of quietness he had since the previous afternoon, and yet he wasn't sure it was welcomed. Sitting still meant he was wide open for every invading thought, for the voice in his head that kept saying: you're all alone now, you didn't do enough for him, you shouldn't have left him, if you had been there maybe...
Kurt's voice pulled him from the darkness, making him realize the car had come to a stop. "We're here, sweetheart."
Blaine blinked and looked around, vaguely recognizing the building. "Your place?" He asked, and it sounded like a croak.
They stood in the middle of the sidewalk and Kurt turned to face him. His blue eyes were sad and worried, but always beautiful. When he looked into them, Blaine felt his own pain going numb. Maybe he should just stare at Kurt forever.
Would his heart and his soul patch themselves back up if he looked at Kurt long enough? Or would this grief just rip him into pieces no matter what he did?
"I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone right now," Kurt said in a soft voice. "And I want to be with you and help you in any way I can. But my dad needs me, too, so I thought..."
"Of course," Blaine said. He didn't care where he was. He had nowhere to go.
Only when they crossed the front door of Kurt's apartment did Kurt finally let go of his hand. Blaine felt immediately unthethered and lost, adrift. He almost reached back for it, but he had no time, because Burt, who had been sitting on the brand new couch, was suddenly on his feet and making his way towards him.
"Blaine," he said. He pressed his big, heavy hand on Blaine's shoulder, looked at him with eyes so much like his son's. "I don't know what to say, buddy. I'm so sorry," he added, and then he was wrapping him up in an embrace that practically swallowed him whole.
Kurt stood next to them, a hand pressed to his mouth, his eyes watery, watching them. Burt opened one of his arms and pulled him in, too, and they stayed like that, the three of them holding onto each other, for a really long time.
"We've got you," Burt whispered, and Blaine felt himself begin to tremble. "You hear that, buddy? We've got you."
Kurt placed a kiss to his temple, and his lips then brushed his ear: "We'll get through this. Together."
The words took him back to what felt like years ago, but it hadn't been more than a handful of days. The promise made to a man he barely knew, a stranger who had pulled him in with his desperate blue eyes, and promptly stole his heart.
He remembered how Kurt had held him in the hallway, after learning Cooper needed more chemo. He remembered how gentle and sweet he had been, and how easy it had been for Blaine to cling to him. He hadn't imagined he would be here now, still holding onto him, and to his father as well, but not to Cooper.
Somehow, despite the cancer looming over them like a constant threat, Blaine had never really believed it would win. Cooper had always been larger than life – he had seemed invincible. When he was little and he looked at his big brother, so handsome and strong, it was like staring at a superhero. Death was something so mundane and finite, it shouldn't have applied to someone as bright as Cooper.
But he was gone. It didn't matter how much Blaine wished he could change that. He would never get his big brother back.
They sat around the kitchen table. Kurt started looking through cabinets, trying to find something to make for lunch, and then simply sighed and decided he was not in the mood to cook. He ordered food instead, making sure he got a healthy enough option for Burt.
Blaine was very still, and only heard them talk as if their voices were coming from afar, or as if his ears were filled with cotton. He only checked back into the conversation when Kurt gently placed a hand on his forearm and asked him what he wanted to eat.
Blaine couldn't even think about food – he shrugged, and let Kurt make the decision for him.
Neither of them was truly hungry, but since Burt needed to eat, they all stayed at the kitchen table, mostly moving the food around their plates, their hearts so heavy it made their stomachs hurt. Finally, Kurt sighed and picked up the still full plates, the food cold.
"It's okay. I'll just put everything in the fridge and I'll reheat it later," he said.
Burt was looking tired so Kurt insisted he lay down for a while. Once he retired into Kurt's room, it was just the two of them and the dense silence hanging over their heads.
Kurt's hand was suddenly in Blaine's again. "Come on, let's go sit on the couch."
Blaine followed automatically, his body following Kurt's lead before his head could even catch up. They sunk onto the cushions, very little space between them, and Blaine fixed his eyes on the white rug under them, the one where they had first kissed. He tried to focus on it – on the memory, on the shape of the rug, on anything, really – but Kurt cupped his face and gently raised his head so he would have to look at him instead.
The sorrow on Kurt's eyes almost knocked the air from his lungs.
"I know you're literally going through your worst nightmare," Kurt whispered, as his hand moved slightly back, until his fingers softly played with the hair at the back of his neck. "But I want you to know that if there's anything, anything at all, that you think might help you navigate this a little easier, then all you have to do is tell me. I'll do anything, Blaine."
Blaine exhaled shakily. "I don't... I can't."
Kurt nodded slowly. "It's okay, maybe you don't know now but..."
"No," Blaine interrupted. Every word felt like a knife was sliding all the way up his throat. "I can't. I can't do this. I can't wake up every morning knowing he's gone. I can't just go back to my life knowing he's gone. I can't visit a grave every time I need to feel closer to him. I can't..."
Kurt's eyes were bright with unshed tears. He leaned in and pressed their foreheads together. "I know, I know. But you have to, sweetheart." He paused, taking in the absolute devastation on Blaine's face. "Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But someday... you just have to. For now, you can just be sad. It's okay to be sad. He was your brother and you loved him. But he loved you, too, more than anything, you know? I could see that. You were everything to him, Blaine. All he wanted was for you to be happy, and he wouldn't forgive himself if he's the reason you give up on that."
"He made me leave the room," Blaine said without thinking. Kurt blinked at him in confusion. "We were talking and then suddenly he asked me if I could go get him a green tea. And... he stopped me before I left the room. He said goodbye, Kurt. I didn't know he was doing it, but he did. He knew..." He paused, his breath leaving him in ragged bursts. "He knew he was going to die, and he made me leave the room."
The tears that had been pooling in Kurt's eyes suddenly began to fall, mirroring the ones on Blaine's own eyes.
"He was so tired," Blaine continued, holding back the sobs that threatened to break him. "He was miserable. He didn't want to be at the hospital. He wanted to go outside, to be anywhere else, really. His last few weeks were miserable. He suffered through the chemo and... should I have done things differently?" He looked right at Kurt now, searching for answers to questions that had kept him up at night more often than not, and yet he had never dared voicing them to anyone. "Should I have fought the doctors so they would let him go home? Should we have just suspended the chemo when we realized it wasn't working? Maybe it would have given him the opportunity to enjoy his last few weeks. Instead he was sick all the time..."
"Don't do this to yourself, Blaine," Kurt whispered sweetly, but his face still mirrored all the anguish they both felt. "You were hopeful. You thought he had a chance. If you had suspended the treatment, he would have died anyway, and you would have blamed yourself for not taking him into the hospital... it's a vicious circle, and it won't help you." He took Blaine's hand, pressed his palm to his lips. "You did nothing wrong. You were there for him when he needed you most. And he loved you, god, I don't think I've ever seen anyone love someone as much as Cooper loved you."
Blaine grabbed desperately at Kurt, anywhere he could reach him, ending with a fistful of his shirt. "I just... I don't know how to do this. I've lost my parents and my grandmother, but this... I don't know how to deal with not having Cooper in my life, Kurt."
Kurt shook his head minutely. "I wish I had the answers for you, sweetheart. I wish I could tell you exactly what you have to do to heal your heart. But I have no answers. All I know is that one day, hopefully, the pain will fade into a managable ache and you'll be able to move on..." He took a deep breath and pulled away slightly, enough to glance at Blaine. "Do you want to know one of the last things Cooper's said to me?"
Blaine bit his lip. Part of him was eager to have every last bit of information on his brother, wanted to treasure every second, wanted to make sure he hadn't missed any details. Foolishly, he believed that, maybe, if he gathered enough of them, he could have him back. "Yes. Tell me."
Kurt began to rub soothing circles on Blaine's thigh. "It was when we got to the hospital, the morning after our first date. Remember I walked to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek?" He asked. Blaine nodded. "Well, he repeated something he told me when he was trying to set us up, when I agreed to go on a date with you." Blaine watched him, following every word almost hungrily. "He told me 'don't break him', made me promise, actually."
The black hole inside of Blaine seemed to gape and grow.
"That was all he cared about, Blaine," Kurt continued, his eyes full of kindness despite his own sadness. "You being happy, you being safe. And I'm not telling you you shouldn't grieve him – of course you should! We all should! This is a huge loss. Cooper was... god, he was so bright and amazing, so funny and kind... it's hard to imagine the world without him. But at the end of the day, I want you to remember that what he wanted the most was for you to be okay. He didn't want me to break your heart – so I'm sure as hell he didn't want to be the one to break it, either."
Blaine sniffled and dropped his head onto Kurt's shoulder. "I just... miss him. I miss him so much."
"It's okay to miss him," Kurt replied, and wrapped him in his arms.
They sat there on the couch, holding each other, and allowed themselves to miss him.
Much later that day, after the sky had darkened and Kurt had forced both Blaine and Burt to eat the food they hadn't touched earlier, after Burt had given him one of the longest hugs in Blaine's life before he retired to the bedroom for the night, after Kurt had held him for countless hours and they had cried together until they had no more tears left in them, Blaine stood up from the couch.
"I should... I should probably go home," he said.
Kurt looked up at him in alarm. He reached back for his hand, and Blaine gave it to him without hesitation. "Why don't you stay? My dad has the bed and this is not the most comfortable couch to sleep on, but... we'll manage."
Blaine shook his head and pulled on Kurt's hand to get him to stand up, too. "You guys have been more than welcoming and I don't want to impose any longer."
Kurt smiled sadly at him. "Blaine, don't say that. You did not impose. We're happy to be here for you. I only wish I had more comfortable sleeping arrangements to offer you."
Kurt had initiated most of the contact that day. Blaine had been too numb to hold him or kiss him, or to even think about it, really. He had let Kurt offer all the physical comfort, had craved it, but he hadn't been able to do anything about it, except lean on him when allowed. Blaine was sure it was the only thing that had kept him from going crazy today.
Now, though, he allowed himself to grab Kurt's waist and pull him closer, until all he could feel was the warmth of his body and the sweet, intoxicating scent of his skin.
"I have to go, Kurt," he muttered, pressing their cheeks together. To an outsider, it would have looked like they were dancing. "If I don't go home, I'm afraid I'll never will. I can't hide here forever."
He could feel Kurt smiling against him. "I wouldn't mind at all, you know."
Blaine almost smiled back, but he couldn't. Not yet. "I wouldn't have gotten through today without you, Kurt. Thank you."
Kurt turned his head and pressed his lips against Blaine's temple, just brushing the skin there, his hairline. "I loved him, too, you know? I know I didn't know him much, but... I loved him, Blaine. How could I not?" A shiver ran down Blaine's spine and he shuffled even closer. "So if you need anything, if you want to talk about him... I'm here. I'm always willing to listen, and to hold you when you need it."
Blaine opened his mouth to thank him again, but was afraid the only thing that was going to come out was a sob. He tightened his grip on Kurt, wrapped his arms around him, and hoped he would understand.
They stayed like that, in each other's arms, for what felt like hours, until Blaine forced himself to pull away.
Kurt placed his hands on his shoulders and looked him right in the eyes. "Are you sure you want to go?"
"Yes, I'm sure," Blaine said. "I'll be okay."
"Come back if you change your mind, even if it's the middle of the night, alright?" Kurt said, and then grabbed his phone from the coffee table. "Give me your number before we forget again."
Kurt walked him out, and before letting him go he pulled him back into another hug, which Blaine sunk into gratefully. As he stepped back, he gave in and leaned in, capturing Kurt's lips in his for a quick, warm kiss. It sent a jolt all through him that made him feel alive for the first time since the previous afternoon.
"Call me if you need anything," Kurt said against his lips.
Blaine nodded and gave him one last peck before finally pulling away.
The night breeze hit his face when he stepped out of the building. He stopped a cab and spent the entire ride staring out the window at the New York City lights. He looked up at the sky and wished he could see the stars.
His apartment was silent and empty when he opened the door. He turned the lights on and stood in the middle of his living room – every single corner had a memory of Cooper embedded. How many games had they watched on this couch? How many meals had they shared at his kitchen table? How many times had Cooper laid next to him on his bed and stared up at the ceiling as they talked and talked long into the night?
How many times had he hugged him goodbye at the door?
His eyes fell on the pictures on the shelves. Cooper's paper face – his smile – stared back at him, and his heart stuttered painfully against his ribcage. He felt his knees going weak, and with his back pressed against the wall, he let himself fall until he was on the floor, his knees pressed to his chest, his head hidden in his arms.
And he cried.
And he cried.
And he cried.
He cried his heart out. He cried his soul out. He cried for his brother and he cried for himself, and he cried for all the things they wouldn't get to share.
And he cried.
And he cried.
And he cried.
Another bummer of a chapter, but grief is a part of life we can't rush. So I hope you will all join me in hugging Blaine very very tightly for a while.
Can't believe we only have two more updates left. This has been the highlight of my year, guys.
I'll see you on Thursday. Thanks for reading!
L.-