Damaged (And I will try to fix you)

by MarmOTeen

When ex-soldier John Bates takes the nurse job offered by his old army commander Dr Robert Crawley, he intends to build a fresh start for himself. In time, he will end up helping a young blond-haired and blue-eyed woman get one for herself too. A story of love and rebuilding oneself after domestic abuse. Alternate-Universe, modern era. A fanfic with a soundtrack!

11. Chapter 11: Back to Downton

Chapter 11: Back to Downton

So, chapters are getting longer and longer… But we are slowly getting closer and more intimate!

Note: to fully appreciate this chapter, you'll need to have seen the movie "Notting Hill" ;)

Enjoy, and please, leave a comment!

The two following days passed at an irritatingly slow pace for Anna. Waking up way too early in the morning, to endure the long bus ride, too much work for not enough staff and no help from her co-workers who were themselves drowned in their own workload. Dozing in the bus back to Gwen's on Saturday afternoon, she thought that she ought to look for another place as soon as possible, even in Downton was still not available. However, her mood lifted significantly when she thought of the evening awaiting her. After taking a nap (it wouldn't do to fall asleep in her plate on her first date with John), she set on getting herself ready. It had been years since she had spent so much time prepping herself. Poring over clothes, changing mind on what outfit to wear, doing, undoing and redoing her hair, meticulously putting on sensible make-up, all the sweet anticipation of happiness felt so good.

When she was finally done, she turned on herself in Gwen's living-room, waiting for her friend's comment on the result. The red-headed girl whistled in appreciation, and nodded knowingly:

- Well done! He'll come crawling down at your feet girl, you mark my words!

Anna laughed sheepishly.

- Don't be daft, she snapped.

- No, I mean it! You're positively glowing! Man I wish I had someone who'd make me want to prep like this for him…

- Oh Gwen… Don't talk like that. You'll find him someday.

- Yeah. Anyway…

The door bell rang precisely at this moment. Anna briefly closed her eyes, breathed slowly in and out to steady herself, and smiled to Gwen, who winked back at her:

- You enjoy my friend! And don't worry if you don't want to come back tonight!

- Gwen! answered Anna, flushing.

John was nervously waiting in the hallway, shifting from one foot to the other, breathing slowly in and out to steady his pounding heart. He couldn't believe he was finally taking Anna Smith on a date. He was looking down to the floor when the door opened and Anna stepped out on the landing. He lifted his gaze, slowly taking in the heavenly features of the creature standing in front of him, shyly smiling. He just stopped breathing as he noticed her slender legs, enhanced by heeled shoes, the dress that fitted her waist just right, the cleavage that showed just enough without revealing too much, the wonderful curves of her shoulders, collarbones and neck, her expertly tied up golden hair, her so beautiful blue eyes and her oh-so-kissable mouth. A surge of fierce desire ran through him like a high tide, and it was all he could do not to sweep her off her feet and lay her down on the nearest bed. But he quickly buried those feelings, knowing that acting like that would only destroy her fragile balance and the trust she had in him. Time would come for such activities, but it was not now. He quickly closed his eyes to straighten his grip on himself, then breathed out and smiled at her:

- Oh, wow… he mouthed with a look of utter joy.

- Hi John, she said shyly.

- You look… gorgeous, amazing, perfect! Pick the one you like!

She laughed softly.

- You look good too, she answered earnestly.

- That's not true, but I'll believe you, he said.

Coming closer to her, he gently put his hand on the side of her neck, stroking the lobe of her right ear, toying with the earring that was adorning it, then pulled her to him and kissed her lips slowly.

- Shall we go? he asked.

- Sure, let me get my purse, she answered.

They were seated at a table in the fancy restaurant John had chosen. The atmosphere was intimate, soft music playing in the background. Both were starting to relax and the conversation was light.

- So, how's it going with your work? asked John.

- Hmpf, sighed Anna. I don't like it much. It's so understaffed, I'm always running this way and that, and I feel I'm doing everything wrong. I think I'll look for something else.

- It doesn't seem very satisfying indeed. Have you started looking for flats?

- I have yes. But everything's so expensive…

She stayed silent for a while, then put her hand on John's.

- You understand, do you, why I need my own place for a start? Why it's too soon for me to move in with you right away?

- I think I do, yes…

- You see… I love you, really, so much, but… I really need a little time, to gather myself, to find myself as a person, before moving on to the next step. I hope that's alright with you?

- Of course it is. Whatever you need, my darling. I want you to feel good, and confident, and free. I'll never press you to go faster than you want.

- Thank you John, she said, kissing the back of his hand.

- We can take plenty of time to get to know each other better. Like, I don't know anything about your family, would you care to tell me? About your parents? Do you even have siblings?

Her family was not a subject Anna really wanted to dwell on, for there weren't many good memories attached. But if she was building something serious with John, well, he'll need to know…

- Hum, there's not much to say… My dad died when I was six years old, in a work accident.

As she was suddenly blinking back tears, John could see that the subject was still very touchy for her, and he cursed himself for bringing it up.

- Oh, darling, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked those questions.

- No, no, it's alright. Anyhow, I would have had to tell you one day, so it might as well be now. I loved him very much you see. It's been more that twenty years now, and it's still aching.

- I can see that. He must have been a very fine man.

She smiled and wiped her eyes on her napkin.

- Anyway, my mum was left alone with me and my sister Leslie, who is two years older than me. We were on the verge of poverty back then, struggling on benefit. Until she married again. We lived with my stepfather, until I left home when I was seventeen. I haven't been in touch with them since then.

- Oh… but why?

Anna closed her eyes as she felt the rush of unwanted and unpleasant memories through her brain. God, she couldn't tell him about that. Not now. Not yet. She wouldn't bear the shame, and the pity she was bound to read in his eyes.

- We… parted on nasty terms. It was a very hard time for me, and I don't think I want to speak about it tonight. I'll tell you one day. But not tonight.

- Alright sweetheart. I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

- Anyway. Your turn now. What about your family? Is it as lousy as mine? she asked, smiling sadly.

- Not much better I'm afraid. I don't have any sibling. My dad died too, when I was ten.

- Oh, I'm sorry John.

- But I don't miss him at all. He was an alcoholic, and he abused me and my mother. We were better off without him. So after that it was just me and my mother.

- Are you still in touch with her?

- Yes, I am. We are quite close in relationship, if not in distance. She lives in London. She's not in very good health unfortunately. Heart condition. I don't know how much longer she'll be around.

- Oh, that's sad.

- Yeah. But you know what? She would really like to meet you. She's asked me a thousand times to bring you to meet her.

Anna's eyes grew wide:

- What? You've told her about me?

- I surely did.

- Oh Lord…

- So, what do you say? Would you come with me to London to meet her?

Anna felt suddenly very hot, and fanned herself with her napkin.

- Oh Lord. Oh Lord. I'm meeting the mother.

They both broke into laughter, as John squeezed her hand, trying to reassure her.

- Don't worry, she'll love you.

- Yeah, right, we'll see.

- I know she will. She's a good judge of character.

- Oh yeah, is she? So did she like Vera?

- No, she always made it clear to me that she thought she was a nasty piece of work. In which I can only say that she was right…

- I guess so…

- So? Will you come?

- Alright, sure, I will. I will be extra-nervous, but OK, she smiled.

He laughed softly.

A few hours later, Anna was getting ready for bed, putting her hair down and cleaning her make-up, when the usual Whatsapp notification rang. She looked at it while walking to the bedroom where Gwen was already asleep.

*Gloria Gaynor - Can't take my eyes off of you*

"You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you

You'd be like Heaven to touch, oh I wanna hold you so much

At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive

You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you

Pardon the way that I stare, there's nothing else to compare

The sight of you leaves me weak, there are no words left to speak

But if you feel like I feel, please let me know that it's real

You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you

I love you baby, and if it's quite alright,

I need you baby, to warm the lonely nights

I love you baby, trust me when I say

Oh pretty baby, don't bring me down I pray

Oh pretty baby, now that I've found you stay

And let me love you, baby, let me love you"

She chuckled softly as she typed the answer:

*Stop the flattering M. Bates!

Gnight. Luv U too xxx*

x x x x

After yet another day of exhausting work, Anna was in the women's locker room, changing from her scrubs into civilian clothes. When she was done, she closed her locker, grabbed her bag and started walking to the door. Just as she was exiting the building, she looked across the street to the bus stop. She was just in time to catch it. She started making her way towards the stop, when she froze and her heart suddenly thumped. Over there, in the fading daylight, stood Alex. Rolling her eyes, she sighed and mumbled:

- Oh crap…

She quickly turned around and got back into the building. Man, would he never stop harassing her? Even after Gwen telling him off several times on her old phone, he continued calling and texting. He was sending emails too, that she had set to be directed directly into the spam box. She had not yet decided to report him to the police, but she was starting to think it was going to be necessary… For now, she had to think of a way to go home without him seeing her. She thought of the back door, where the deliveries were coming. She started walking all the way to the other side of the building and got out in the small street behind it. Now she would have to walk around the block to the next bus stop, where she would have to wait for the next bus, since she would have missed this one. Well at least she had escaped the confrontation, she thought to herself. She was swiftly walking down the street, when her phone ringing startled her. Grabbing it in her purse, she looked at the incoming number, that read "Mrs Hughes". Hope rushed through her. She quickly picked up.

- Hello? Mrs Hughes, hi, how are you?

- Hello Anna, very well thank you. May I talk to you for a moment?

- Sure, go ahead.

- I've just learned that Nurse O'Brien is leaving us. "Overseas opportunity", so she says. So… if you'd be still willing to join our team back?

Anna felt joy rise in her chest at Mrs Hughes's words. She stuttered:

- Oh… er… yes, yes! Sure! I'd be very happy to! When do you need me?

- In two weeks time.

- Alright great! I'll hand in my notice here right away! Thank you so much Mrs Hughes!

- You're welcome my dear. I always told you I would have you back as soon as possible. I meant it. So, can you come this week, at any convenient time for you, so that we fill the paperwork with M. Carson?

- I sure will. In fact, I'm off tomorrow, so I'll be there first thing. I'll come with Gwen.

- Excellent. See you tomorrow then.

- Yes. Goodbye Mrs Hughes, thank you.

She hang up, and burst into a nervous laugh. She felt like shrieking with joy, like jumping up and down and hugging every bystander. She was finally going back! She had completely forgotten Alex. She felt she had to share the news with John right away. She was shivering with excitement as she dialed his number. She tried to soothe her breath while waiting for him to pick up.

- Anna?

- Yes, it's me!

- Are you alright?

- Oh yes I am! Guess what? Breaking news! Mrs Hughes just called me, O'Brien's leaving Downton!

- Oh wow! So are you coming back?

- Of course I am, you silly beggar!

- Oh darling that's awesome! I'm so happy!

- Yeah it is! Oh God I'm so excited. I can finally leave this awful place…

- When are you starting?

- In two weeks.

- Great! Hey, I was thinking, for our second date, and now maybe to celebrate your coming back to Downton, I could cook you dinner, you know at my place?

There was a split-second hesitation, and a hint of nervousness in Anna's voice when she answered:

- Er… yes, why not?

John heard it, and quickly tried to set things straight:

- It'll only be dinner, and maybe we can watch a movie, and I'll drive you back to Gwen's afterwards, I promise.

She smiled at the lengths he was going to in order to make her feel safe.

- Alright, that would be very nice. When?

- Would Wednesday be good?

She mentally checked her schedule and answered:

- yes, I think it's alright.

- Great. Come at 7.00?

- I will. Now I'm heading back to Gwen's and we'll celebrate O'Brien's departure, she laughed.

- See you sweetheart.

- Bye John. See you Wednesday.

She hummed to herself all the way on the bus ride, and went back to an over-excited Gwen, who had already heard the news, and had bought a bottle of champagne, which they drank between the two of them, while cheerfully bitching on O'Brien's behalf.

On Wednesday evening, John was in the midst of preparing dinner when Anna rang on his door. He opened the door, and welcomed her in apartment for the first time. She was looking as lovely as ever, although in a more casual outfit that the one she had worn on their restaurant date.

- Good evening Anna!

- Good evening John! Oh dear, what are you cooking? It smells soooo good!

- Ahah, you'll see, it's my mother's lasagna recipe.

- Oooh, I love lasagna!

- Well I'm glad to hear it. It'll be ready in about half an hour, so what do you say we have a drink meanwhile?

- Yes, fine.

She started walking around the flat, which was easily done since it was only two rooms. She noticed that John had not put much effort in decorating it.

- So, did everything go well with Mrs Hughes, asked John, coming from the kitchen and handing her a glass.

- Yes, absolutely! We signed all the forms, I'm starting Monday after next.

- Great! So, here's to your new job! he said, raising his glass.

She raised hers in response, and added:

- New job, AND new lodging! Mrs Hughes convinced M. Carson to let me one of their studios… you know at least until I move on to something else. So I'll be finally letting Gwen leave in peace.

- That's wonderful.

- Yes. I feel like finally the pieces of my life are falling back into place… she smiled to him.

- I'm very happy that you feel that way, he said, circling her shoulders with his arms and kissing her lightly on her temple.

- And I can get more sleep, because I won't have to ride the bus for forty-five minutes everyday… Although it'll be a little funny to live at work… And also, I'm not allowed to have guests there.

- Oh, well, we'll just have to meet here then, he shrugged.

They continued chatting until the oven alarm went off, signaling that the lasagna was done. While John was tending to the hot baking dish and preparing the salad, Anna set to lay the table. She had filled the water jug from the tap and turned around to bring it to the table, when it slipped from her hands, and crashed on the floor, sending glass shards everywhere in the kitchen, and soaking the floor.

- Oh shit, John, I'm so sorry! she exclaimed, going down on her knees to pick up the glass parts.

John was coming back from the living-room when he saw the damage.

- Anna! What the… Be careful!

He swiftly came beside her and extended his arm towards her to make sure she hadn't cut herself. But his unexpected move made her panic, and in a reflex, she brought her arms self-protectively in front of her face. Her reaction sent a cold knife through his heart. He had just frightened her into thinking he was going to hit her. What a fool he was. He felt frozen to his core, not knowing what to do next.

Catching her breath, and realizing how inappropriately she had just reacted, Anna crumbled on the floor crying. Between her sobs, she tried to apologize:

- I'm so… sorry John… I'm so… silly…

He approached her very slowly and carefully took her hand and pulled her up.

- Anna, my love. Get up, it's alright.

When she was standing up, he wrapped his arms around her, and held her tight in silence for a moment. When she had calmed down a bit, he talked to her softly:

- It's alright, it's alright love. I see what happened here. I frightened you, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have moved so suddenly. I'll be more careful. You know I would never hurt you, don't you?

She sniffed, and looked up at him with her tears-stained face:

- Of course I know! I know you're not Alex, and you would never do that! I'm sorry, it was beyond me. Like my subconscious took control…

- Don't be sorry. It was my fault. Are you feeling better now? he asked, wiping her cheeks.

- Yes, I think so. Now we should really clean up that mess before the lasagna gets cold.

When they had cleared the kitchen, they finally sat down to the table. Anna took a deep breath, and sighed slowly.

- Alright. Let's forget this awkward episode, and start again our nice evening. I'm starving, I would really like a large slice of this wonderfully-smelling lasagna.

- Your wish is my command Milady, said John while filling her plate.

- You know, a man who cooks, it's quite unusual for me. I don't think you-know-who even knew how to turn the oven on.

- Well I'll cook for you every single day of our life if you want me to.

She smiled, taking her first mouthful of lasagna.

- That's so cute. And those are so good.

- Thank you. My mum will be thrilled to know that I conquered you with her lasagna recipe.

- Well technically you've already conquered me a long time ago, but you know, a good lasagna doesn't hurt your case.

They ate in silence for a little while, until Anna spoke again:

- So, I think we should go on with our "getting to know each other" stuff. Last time we did family, how about tonight we do tastes?

- … Alright, answered John, unsure where she wanted to go.

- So… Dog or cat?

- Hmmm, definitely dog. Dogs are faithful and straightforward. Cats are sneaky devils.

- Oh yeah? I like cats. They're independent and majestic. Dogs are nice, but a little dumb.

- Alright, so we'll have to agree to disagree on that one. Good start, he chuckled.

- Sweet or salty? she went on.

- Oooh, that one is hard. More salty I guess. You?

- Both.

- That's not fair, you have to choose.

- Hey, my game, I make the rules.

John held out his hands in defeat. He asked the next question:

- Ice cream or cake?

- Hmmm… Ice cream. No, cake. Oh, you know what: ice cream with cookie dough in it.

- I see, the lady wants it all! he laughed.

- Tea or coffee?

- Would I be banned from British citizenship if I said coffee?

- Probably, she smirked.

- Ok, doesn't matter, I have Irish and Scottish roots anyway. So, coffee. But good coffee. You?

- Tea, always. I hate coffee. I guess I'm really British. City or countryside?

- To live or to visit?

- To live.

- Medium-sized city sounds good to me. Like here. I wouldn't like to live in London.

- Yeah, me neither. So… I already know about your musical tastes, so how about movies: action or romcom?

John looked at her playfully:

- What do you think?

She pretended to think hard about it:

- Hmmm, let me think. I'll go with romcom. You know, big fluffy Teddy bear and all.

- Ahah, and you'd be right.

- So what's your all-time favorite romcom?

- I'd have to say… Notting Hill. You know, cheesy love songs and all that kind of things.

- Of course.

- And, Julia Roberts's name in it, is Anna. So now I love it even more. What about you, what kind of movies do you like?

- I do like romcoms too, and also thrillers, or historical movies. And of course, animated movies. I'm a big Disney/Pixar fan. There's a bunch of nice cheesy songs in those too.

- So, which one's your favorite?

- Pixar era, I'd have to say Inside Out. Oldies, I'll go with the Lion King. Cause you know, the songs… Circle of Life and everything.

- Oh, yes, I like it too.

- I also love Beauty and the Beast. I can sing the songs by heart on both.

- I want to hear that one day. So, next question?

Anna considered for a moment.

- Summer or winter?

- Definitely not winter: my knee hates the cold.

- Christmas or Halloween?

- Christmas. That's the only nice thing in winter. Since the cheesy…

- Yeah, the cheesy songs, I get it, she laughed.

- You know I'm quite relieved you haven't yet asked me to choose between food or sex…

Anna flushed a bit. She almost gagged on her mouthful of lasagna, but managed to go through.

- Well, too late, now you have to answer, she said rising her eyebrows.

- In fact, it's been such a long time, that's not really fair to answer now. I'll have to withhold my answer until I have some fresh data. What about you?

- Hum, since my recent experience, I would have to say food. No food forces you to eat it when you're not hungry. But then, maybe one day you'll make me change my mind.

- We'll have to see about that.

Anna seemed suddenly unsettled. She looked down.

- John…

- Hey, Anna, sweetheart, look at me. That was just small talk. I know you need some time, I'm not expecting anything of you right now. Relax darling.

She smiled gingerly. They had emptied their plates, so John started collecting their dirty dishes.

- How about we hit the couch and eat dessert with a movie?

- Sure, good idea. What are we watching?

- Notting Hill? Or the Lion King?

- Why not Notting Hill, I haven't seen it in a long time.

- Did you see it in the cinema when it was first released?

- Er… No… since I was like ten years-old at that time?

- Oh… man… that hurts, said John crunching his face.

He had for a moment forgotten how much older he was.

They settled in the couch, snuggled against each other, eating the home-made brownie John had prepared, with a scoop of vanilla ice. "Cake AND ice-cream", had boasted John laughingly when he handed Anna her plate. They played John's Notting Hill DVD, laughing at the "surreal but nice" part, and trying hard not to notice one another's shining eyes when Anna Scott told William Thacker that she was "also a girl, asking a boy to love her". When the movie was over, John made Anna a cup of tea, and a decaff for himself, and they kept on talking about everything and anything, marveling about how they would soon be co-workers again, and discussing their future trip to London to meet John's mother. To her own amazement, Anna felt light and relaxed. There was no nervousness, no fear. She could just be herself, and everything was fine. It seemed to her that the whole evening had passed in a few minutes, when John looked at his watch and said:

- Oh my, it's almost midnight, I should maybe drive you back to Gwen's.

- Why, do you fear the carriage will turn back into a pumpkin? she chuckled.

He laughed back:

- No, no… I just thought you might be tired and wanted to go to bed…

Anna looked at her hands and flushed a little. She was astonished by her own boldness when she heard herself saying:

- The thing is… I don't really want to go back to Gwen's. I feel good with you…

John looked at her, startled.

- You mean… you want to stay the night?

She looked at him sheepishly and nodded.

- Er, alright, well you can take my bed, I just changed the sheets yesterday, and I'll sleep on the couch.

John showed her the way, lent her a T-shirt for the night, and found an unused toothbrush in the bathroom closet for her to use. When she was all set, he gently kissed her goodnight.

- Do you have everything you need? I'll be in the living-room if there's anything.

- Thank you John. I had a wonderful evening.

He smiled and closed the door, turning back to the living-room. He sat on the couch with his blanket and sighed. Was she asking for more? Should he have suggested to stay with her? At least he had no weird roommate to comment on him wasting his opportunity, he thought.

In the bedroom, Anna was sitting on the bed, somewhat frustrated. She was grateful for John being such a gentleman and not pushing his presence on her, but what good was it to spend the night if he wasn't beside her? She did not crave for anything more right now, but for his warm presence alongside her in the bed. After a while, she got up and quietly went back to the living-room. She called softly to him:

- John?

He swiftly turned around:

- Yes love? What is it?

She looked quite embarrassed, and whispered:

- Well, I'm… I'm feeling quite lonely out there…

He raised his eyebrows.

- Do you want me to… Anna Smith, are you Anna-Scott'ing me?

She laughed at the reference.

- I might be…

When he came close to her and made to kiss her, she stopped him, putting a finger on his lips.

- But…

- Yes dear?

- Would you come sleep with me? You know, just hold me and sleep together? Can you do just that?

- Of course I can.

- Thank you.

And she took his hand, leading him back to the bedroom.

A while later, as she was comfortably tucked into his arms, and quietly drifting into sleep, John marveled at the fact that she had felt safe enough tonight to invite him to share a bed with her. They were taking baby steps, but they were steadily moving forward. Of course he was dying to undress her, to get to know her whole body, to worship her with his mouth, his hands and all his own body. But he knew that they had to do things at her own pace, that she was not to be hurried on her path as she was slowly rebuilding her self-confidence and her trust in a man. Anna Smith was sleeping in his arms. He could ruffle his nose in her hair and take in her sweet perfume, and listen to her steady breathing. For now, it was enough to content him.

x x x x

Next Monday morning saw Anna triumphantly walking down Downton's hallway, taking her first shift as a nurse in the unit that had seen her grow up. She had taken possession of her studio the previous week-end, moving all her stuff out of Gwen's apartment. Some boxes still stayed stored at Mary's, as the studio wasn't big enough to fit everything in. Everyone beamed at her when she entered the nurse's room, even if she briefly wondered to which extent they were beaming at her being back, or at O'Brien's leaving. Mrs Hughes welcomed her warmly, opening her arms to her:

- Welcome back Anna! I'm so glad to have you back.

- Thank you Mrs Hughes, she answered joyfully.

John discreetly shot her a loving smile. It was public knowledge that the two of them were dating, but they were not going to let their personal relationship get into the way of their professional duties. Anna quickly took back her old marks, even if her duties were not the same as before. And she felt good, knowing that the staff was adequately balanced with the workload, and that if she ever needed to ask for help, friendly faces would be there to answer her questions.

John and Anna established a new kind of routine, sometimes sharing their work shifts, sometimes not. Anna often spent nights at John's apartment, but whenever she needed breathing space, she went back to her studio. They spent every shared day off together, although there weren't so many of them. That was the down side of both being nurses in the same unit: it was difficult to get time off together. That was one of the reasons for which they had to postpone several times their trip to London: it was extra-complicated for Mrs Hughes to arrange four days off in a row for the two of them at the same time.

Anna had been back at Downton for a few weeks, when the staff decided to take all the unit's patients outside for tea in the park, on a bright sunny afternoon. Gathered on the lawn, overviewing the pond, enjoying the warm breeze, a troop of disabled people of all sorts were chatting with the staff and picking cakes or sandwiches from the table that had been laid out for the occasion. Some were walking on their own, some with sticks, or crutches, or walkers, some were self-pushing their own wheelchair, some where being pushed by staff or other patients. John was discussing life with a disability with a small group of young patients. When they arrived at Downton, the patients' spirits were usually very low, as they had not yet had time to adjust to their wounds, and didn't know what would heal or not, and if they would or not stay permanently impaired. They frequently thought that the best part of their lives was over, because many of the goals they had before their accident were not reachable anymore. So John frequently shared his own story as a wounded ex-soldier, without getting too far into the specific details, but as a purpose to show them that you could be disabled and still have a happy and fulfilling life. While he was once again in the midst of that kind of discussion with those three young people, he saw in a distance that Anna, who was at the table serving tea, was being approached by another young patient, a boy in his late teens, who was walking with two crutches. The boy had taken the trouble to pick up a bunch of wildflowers in the meadow, and was offering them to Anna, whom he called his "favorite nurse" with a shy smile. Anna accepted them kindly:

- Oh thank you Jared, they are beautiful!

She looked sideways towards John, and shot him a bemused smile when she saw his raised eyebrows, in a pretend-shocked face. A moment later, John joined Anna and whispered in her ear playfully:

- So, Miss Smith, you seem to be quite successful. Should I worry about the competition?

- Silly beggar… Poor boy, he's got a crush on me… but he's a baby!

- You know, there are less years between you and him than between you and me, he smirked.

- I guess you're right, she acknowledged. Anyway, she shrugged, it's strange how I seem to attract people with crutches!

They both laughed.

- Will you be coming tonight? asked John.

- Yes, I will, she answered smiling.

- I'm looking forward to it, he whispered with a gleam in his eyes, before turning away to attend to another patient.

Anna thought to herself about John's light reaction to the boy's gift, thinking that Alex in the same situation would have thrown a real jealousy tantrum…

x x x x

Later that night, Anna and John were settling together in John's bed, in the same fashion that they had for the last few weeks. There was an unspoken agreement between them, that John would not cross any further step until Anna had expressly asked him to, or given permission. So he had been holding her to sleep a few times a week for about two months. That night Anna felt that she needed more. Not a full physical relationship, she still felt too fragile for that, but some more physical contact seemed appealing. So when John had settled and opened his arms for her, she came very close to him, and started to kiss him. She ran her fingers lightly through his hair then around his ear until her hand rested on the side of his neck. She nestled her head on the other side of his neck, and whispered in his ear:

- John?

- Yes love?

- Touch me please.

He sucked in a sharp breath.

- … Touch you?

- Yes, you know, like… cuddling, stroking.

- Oh, alright, sure. I'd love that.

He gave her back her kiss, and their tongues quickly met each other, as John's hands started very gently and slowly exploring her body. She was wearing a spaghetti-strapped top with a boxer. He passed his hands lightly first on her shoulders and arms and on the part of her back that was exposed above her top. At the beginning he didn't dare venture under the fabric to her lower back, or her belly, or the more intimate places. Her hands, on the contrary, had found their way under his T-shirt, exploring his chest and the soft hair that was covering it, alternatively with his back. He spent a fair amount of time drawing a path with light kisses around her neck, and collarbones, which earned him muffled sighs of contentment. After a while, he tentatively asked:

- Darling? Would you like to take your top off?

She didn't answer right away, and he started cursing himself for having broken the moment, when she said softly:

- No… not yet. But I would like it if you took your T-shirt off, so that I have more space to kiss.

He gladly obliged, while she shifted the fabric of her top upwards, to give him access to her belly and lower back, but still covering her chest.

- This I can do.

- This I can appreciate, he said, crouching to bring his head level with her belly and starting to kiss it.

She whimpered a bit at the tickling sensation, and slowly, discreetly, started growing inside her a sensation that she had not felt for a very long time, if she had ever felt it at all. She continued stroking John's head and shoulders, until he rose again to kiss her mouth, and pull her close to him while stroking her back. Being held so tightly against him, she could feel his arousal hard on her thigh. She suddenly realized how frustrating this situation must be for him, being enticed this way and then denied to go further. She despised herself for not being able to offer him more. She broke the kiss and hid her face into his neck.

- Stop, stop, please.

- What's wrong sweetie?

- Nothing… It's just… I feel bad for you, getting you excited like that and then nothing more… I'm ashamed of doing this to you.

- Don't you worry about me Anna. I'll survive to that! I've enjoyed it very much in fact. I couldn't ask you to run before you can walk. We are moving forward and I'm proud of you for that.

She chuckled and kissed his jaw.

- Do you ever stop being so perfect?

- I don't know, maybe we can discuss that topic again in twenty years…

She settled in the crook of his arm, resting her head on his shoulder.

- You know, I'm really looking forward to this London trip. Four whole days, just the two of us.

- Erm… Don't you forget my mother? Because that's sort of the reason we are going there in the first place?

She laughed.

- Oops, sorry. But I mean, no patients, no co-workers, and time to stroll about on our own…

- That sure will be nice. Hang on, it's only a month away. Now maybe we should sleep, because there sure will be patients and co-workers tomorrow morning.

- You're right. Goodnight.

She kissed his lips gently.

- Goodnight my sweet darling.

- John?

- Yes?

- Thank you so much for being so patient with me. Really.

- I love you Anna. That's all there is to it.

- I love you too. But still.

She closed her eyes and soon fell asleep against his chest.

x x x x

Anna, Gwen and Mary had gone back to their old habit of having tea and chatting in Mary's office whenever the unit was quiet. Among other topics, John and Anna's relationship often came back on the table. That afternoon, while Mary was pouring the water into their mugs, Gwen asked curiously:

- So… Anna, come on, tell us, how is it… you know… in bed?

Seeing Anna flushing a deep shade of red, Mary scowled the younger girl:

- Gwen! Really, you're too curious for your own good!

Looking intently at the bottom of her mug, Anna mumbled:

- If you really need to know, we haven't yet, technically…

Gwen's mouth fell open and the spoon she was holding dropped on the table:

- Are you serious? I mean, you've been together for months! You're going to London in two weeks to meet his mother, and you haven't yet had sex?! Are you living in 1916 or what? she laughed

Anna looked very nervous, flushing even darker.

- Come on Gwen, leave her alone! snapped Mary.

Anna then took a deep breath, and shot a piercing look at her friend, tears threatening in her eyes.

- You know what Gwen? That's nothing to laugh about! Do you think this is a choice of ours? Do you remember last time we discussed me having sex with Alex? Do you think I'm happy that my ex-boyfriend wrecked me up so bad that I can't have a free and spontaneous relationship with the man I love so much? I would like more than anything to have sex with him, but right now, I can't! You don't know how it is like, the images, the sounds, the physical sensations that come rushing through my body and brain at any unexpected moment! It's awful. I would like so much to be able to give him everything he deserves…

Tears were now rolling down her cheeks. Mary came close to her and put a sympathetic hand on her arm.

- It's not your fault Anna. You're having PTSD symptoms. It'll get better with time. I assume John is understanding?

- He is patience made human. And we are going forward, slowly. We'll get there. I just wish it would go faster.

- Have you ever thought of getting counseling? It could help you.

Gwen had kept silent since Anna's outburst, and seemed quite ashamed of herself. She approached her friend and offered her a hug:

- I'm very very sorry Anna. I should not have teased. I'm a fool, I didn't realize how it was for you. Please forgive me?

- Of course I forgive you, Anna smiled, hugging her back.

x x x x

A few days later, after having spent the evening going over the details of their incoming trip to London, John had gone to shower, and Anna was settling herself in bed with her book. In a surge of boldness, she took off her T-shirt, and snuggled under the sheets, wearing only her boxer. She tucked the blanket tightly under her arms, waiting for John to come back from the bathroom. When he did, he casually put his own T-shirt on and made to join her in the bed. He froze in mid-movement when he noticed that her shoulders were completely bared. A rush of heat went through him as he realized how she was under the blanket. He pulled his T-shirt off right away.

- Hmmm, sweetheart, he said appreciatively, were you so hot?

She smirked at him.

- I wanted to surprise you.

- Well, that's… very nice, he said, kissing the crook of her neck. Am I allowed to look underneath the blanket?

Strangely she was feeling more nervous about him seeing her naked than about him touching her under the sheets. She slowly breathed in, and answered:

- Alright, but put your light off first.

She felt more comfortable when only the dim light of her own bedside lamp was left. When he had done so, he slowly pulled the blanket downwards, revealing her upper body down to her hips. Her cheeks turned a light shade of pink, and she shot him a shy smile. He pulled her tightly against his chest, kissing her fiercely. The soft brushing of his chest hair against her bare breasts made her shiver. She engaged back in the kiss, while her hands roamed on his shoulders and back. When they parted from the kiss, John whispered in her ear:

- Is it OK for me to touch you? I mean, there?

- Yes, I want to try, she whispered back.

- Alright, and what about kissing there?

- You can too.

- Oh my… Christmas is coming early this year, he chuckled.

She laughed softly, closing her eyes as she surrendered herself to his hands and mouth. He took time to stroke her gently, first on the less intimate parts, approaching her breasts very slowly. She inhaled sharply when he first passed his fingers lightly on them, circling around her nipples without touching them. When he had made sure that this step was cleared and that she gave no sign of discomfort, he ventured further and started gently massaging one nipple. A surprised moan of pleasure escaped her throat, and she whispered:

- Oh my, this is good…

Seeing that she seemed to enjoy his ministrations, he bent down and found her other breast with his mouth. She wriggled at the sweetness of his touch and at the sensations that were awakening her whole body. She arched her body to meet him more closely. After a while of this treatment, he felt daring, and his hand went stroking her belly, then went very slowly down, until it found the fabric of her boxer. He didn't venture under it, because he knew that she had kept it on on purpose, but leaving her nipple for a second, he asked:

- Can I touch you there? Above the fabric?

She sighed and nodded, as she spread her legs a little to grant him more access. His mouth went back to her nipple. He started passing his hand softly between her legs. When he deliberately rubbed a little harder through the fabric just where her most secret spot was, she let out a muffled cry.

- Oh God John…

- Hmmm? he mouthed without leaving her breast. Do you like that darling?

- Oh, I do, she whispered.

He lifted his head to come kiss her under her ear, while still stroking her downstairs.

- My naughty girl… he said nibbling on her earlobe.

At those words, a storm broke out inside her brain. Suddenly she was not here and now anymore, but there and then, and she could feel Alex's beer-stained breath on her mouth, and his hands tightly holding her down. "You know you want it, you naughty girl". She let out a sob, and fiercely pushed away a stunned John. She stormed out of the bed and the room, grabbing the first piece of clothing she could lay her hand upon. John stayed frozen, struggling to understand what had just happened. He let a few minutes pass, then got up and put his T-shirt on. He found her on the balcony, sobbing her eyes out, her head hidden in her hands. He slowly came beside her, and called out to her softly:

- Anna… What have I said, darling, what have I said? Or is it something I've done?

She shook her head desperately.

- You've not done anything wrong. It's not your fault. It's just… those last words you said in my ear... he often used them when he… you know… when he forced me.

Her voice was barely audible by the end of her sentence.

- So when you said the same words, of course I know you didn't mean any harm, but it triggered me... I felt everything all over again.

John took her in his arms, resting her head on his chest.

- Oh Lord, Anna, I'm so sorry. I promise you I will never ever say that again.

He rocked her gently from side to side, while tenderly stroking her hair. She clenched her fist and lightly hit on John's chest.

- I am so sick of him ruining every good moment we share! This is so unfair. I want to live normally, I want to go forward, and he only just drags me backwards.

- I know, darling, I know. But we were doing so good just before it happened. Maybe we could try and prevent such triggering. Can you think of anything else I should avoid to do or say?

She considered his question for a while.

- Please never come onto me while I'm in the shower.

- Alright, well, I don't think I would have even thought of doing that, but now I'll know not to. Anything else?

- Don't drink beer.

- I surely won't.

- Don't ride a motorbike.

- I couldn't if I wanted to.

- Generally speaking, avoid hitting me, insulting me, psychologically abusing me… and of course raping me.

- That I think I can do, he said, holding her tighter.

She circled his waist with her arms and breathed in deeply his manly scent.

- We will manage, won't we John?

- I know we will darling.

- Oh Lord I never want to leave this place.

- What, here on the balcony? he asked, bemused.

- No… Right here in the shelter of your arms.

- Alright, but… that won't be much practical to cook, or got to work, he smirked.

She chuckled softly.

- Silly beggar…

- Yes I am. I am your silly beggar, for all eternity.

They stayed silent for a while, until Anna raised her wet face to John and said:

- You know, the other day, Mary suggested that I should see a counselor. You know, to address my PTSD.

- And what do you think?

- I think I'll try. Maybe I do need professional help to move on.

- Alright, if you think this is the right thing for you, then you should do it. Shall we go back to bed now?

Moments later, when they were snuggled together in the bed, Anna asked:

- Did you suffer from PTSD after Irak?

- I did. Badly. That's what brought me to alcohol and drugs. You know, to soothe the anxiety, the nightmares, the reminiscences. I don't recommend.

- Yeah, counseling seems a better way.

- It is indeed. I finally got to see a counselor while I was in prison. It helped a lot.

- Do you still experience some PTSD symptoms?

- No, not anymore. Maybe if I found myself back into a war zone, you know, or a shooting, it might come back, I don't know. But in daily life, no.

- So I can hope too. If only Alex would stop following me around…

- Don't you want to report him?

- I didn't want to lose time or energy at the police station. I've read testimonies of women who tried to sue their abusive partners. It's usually not very effective. I figured he would get bored and let go off me after a while. But he doesn't seem to yet… So maybe if he goes on, I will, in the end.

- I'll support you whatever you choose to do. But I also wish he would leave you in peace.

- I know darling. I love you. Goodnight. Tomorrow's a new day.

- Goodnight, he said kissing her on her forehead.