Chapter 12: Boundaries and Apologies

Brixton managed to make it to the Potions classroom as early as was expected of her. As she stood at the classroom door she felt a strong sense of dread. She had not seen or spoken to Severus since their last kiss and his harsh rejection. She braced herself and tried to put on a mask of apathy despite that going against her very nature. She told herself that that was what he wanted and that it was what would get her through his lessons without falling apart.

Opening the door, she noticed that everything was already set up and ready to go for the first year students. Her anxiety immediately increased. She checked her watch to see that she was not late. Stepping into the classroom, she saw that Severus was seated at his desk and he didn't look very well. Her heart was heavy with concern as she crossed the room and sat her things down at her desk. She turned to the man and said, "Good Morning, Professor Snape. Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine," he practically spat at her.

She tried not to take his crossness with her too personally, but it was difficult. She had been used to his cold demeanor for years, but after the glowing praise he had given her this year and their moments of intimacy it was now hard for her to take. She kept her tone even and said, "You look rather pale. I haven't been seeing you take your meals in the Great Hall this year, have you been eating enough? I could get you something, perhaps." He had been looking so thin, but she had thought it was from his months of recovery in the hospital.

"Whether I eat or don't eat is none of your concern," he barked. "Now, please go to the chalkboard and make yourself useful. I want you to write up the steps to brewing the Fire Protection Potion."

Instead of defending herself, Brixton just silently did as she was told. She went to the chalkboard and wrote from memory:

Fire Protection Potion

1.Slice the bursting mushrooms with knife, add to cauldron and stir clockwise until potion turns blue.

2.Add salamander blood to cauldron, stir counter-clockwise until potion turns green.

3.Crush wartcap powder in pestle, add to cauldron and stir clockwise until potion turns red.

4.Insert wand into potion and cast Flame-Freezing Charm to complete your potion.

Afterwards, she just sort of hovered near Professor Snape's desk unsure of what to do or say. Her heart hurt from how harshly he was treating her. She had expected him to be distant, but civil. He had been so much warmer to his students in general this year that seeing him revert to his old ways made her sad for both herself and for the Potions Master.

Professor Snape looked up from his desk and said, "Rikkon Brisbane's trial is tomorrow, so I will not be here. I have prepared lesson plans for all of my classes and I expect you to teach my classes for the day. I have already arranged for you to be excused from your others classes tomorrow in order to do this."

Brixton was absolutely honored and a little nervous to be let loose and teach every class on her own. She was especially concerned about keeping the older students in control since they most certainly would not consider her the authority figure that they would an official teacher. She hoped her status as a prefect would be enough to manage their behavior. Potions are of a delicate nature and she knew that if she couldn't get the students to behave it would create an unsafe environment.

"You will have the authority to give detention or deduct points from any student that doesn't behave." Severus said with a flat tone.

She practically came unglued, "DO NOT read my mind. That is an extreme violation of my privacy and you have no right to do so."

His demeanor was still cold when he said, "I'm very sorry. Old habits die very hard. I must admit that I had planned on doing a bit of Occulmency while around you to prevent any more slip ups in our conduct with each other. You have taken me by surprise enough times that I just wanted to prevent that. I will not do so again, you have my word."

Clenching her jaw in anger, Brixton said, "I have no idea why you are so all over the place. In the forest you all but admitted to having feelings for me and agreed we could speak freely amongst ourselves. Then you kiss me very enthusiastically until suddenly you snap on me. You need to make up your mind. You may be twenty years older than me, but you are acting like a child. I do not have the patience for such games, which is part of why I have never been interested in teenage boys. I do not like murky waters, so please just stop with the back and forth. I do not need repeated rejections from you. While I still feel as strongly as ever for you, I am sure that it will pass. I will not beg for your affections. You need not worry about any more 'indiscretions' on my part. It is finished. I will not express my feelings towards you, I will not be so casual as to call you by your first name, and I most certainly will not kiss you again. However, I would appreciate it if you would at least be civil with me. I'm not going to mistake your kindness as an invitation for more. We have to get through this year together and I don't wish to lose my opportunity to teach here at Hogwarts so let us just be friendly, but professional, with each other. Please."

Severus' stoic expression faded in an instant and was replaced with one of downright pain. His voice was soft as he said, "Brixton, I'm sorry. To be quite plain with you, I don't know how I am supposed to feel or act. I am not in a good place with my own emotions regarding life, my past, or my future. Even if you were not my student I think I would not be able to give you the healthy sort of affections that you deserve. So, I think you and I setting some boundaries is a good idea. You are right about how I have been behaving childishly, but that hasn't been my intention. I had just hoped to create some healthy distance between us and save you potential heartache. However, if you would accept my offer of friendship I think we can continue to work together comfortably. I have valued your insight and kindness since the beginning of the school year. You may still call me Severus when we are alone, after all in a few months we will be peers rather than student and teacher. I don't want to give you false hope, but when I am in a better place there may the chance for more than friendship in the future if you still would have me. Does this all sound acceptable to you?"

She felt a good deal better, but was still so hurt that they couldn't continue exploring their feelings for each other for the time being. She somewhat felt like this might be a door closing, but decided she would hope for the best and just accept his terms. "Yes," she said, "I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt like hell but if all you can offer me is friendship I am lucky to receive that. I will keep things professional between us."

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. I confess to not being good at any of this. I have never been on the receiving end of anyone's affections. While I am a man of nearly forty years, I am very inexperienced in such matters. Please don't mistake my wishes as a lack of fondness, I just want to do the right thing and right now getting entangled in a romance is not in good judgement." By this point, he was back to the level of warmness she had grown accustomed to.

Swallowing her heartache, Brixton said, "I understand, Severus. I think that continuing to work on your self-discovery is a good idea. Contrary to what I said earlier, I don't think my feelings for you are going to change but I will set them to the side. If the time comes that you change your mind all you have to do is say so. I will respect your boundaries otherwise."

He smiled and said, "Thank you. Speaking of my 'self-discovery' as you put it; I need to cancel our usual private lesson this evening. I have to meet with your friend Neville Longbottom. I intend to ask him to triple the wolfsbane production here so that you or I can continue stocking Remus Lupin in his much needed potion and I need to make amends with him if possible for my harsh treatment of him over the years."

"I'm sure Neville will be most pleased to have a special project, and yes he deserves your apologies very much," Brixton said excitedly, "Now tell me, how your visit with Remus went?"

Severus shifted in his chair and kind of looked away, "It was a difficult exchange. However, it ended well and I do feel better about some things. Remus also extended an offer of friendship." Before allowing Brixton the chance to probe further he said, "Now, I would like you to spend this time going over my lesson plans for tomorrow and I will just teach the first years on my own today. That is why I already have everything set up." He lifted some sheets of parchment off of his desk and passed them over to her."

Brixton took the hint and walked over and got settled at her desk. She flipped through the pages with growing excitement. The lesson plans were not modified for simplicity. He was entrusting her with a few high level assignments. She welcomed the distraction of teaching to keep her mind off of the trial. Suddenly, she was looking forward to the next day.

It was the end of the day and the sky was dark. Neville had just finished repotting some baby mandrakes and was cleaning up a bit. The smell and feel of the fresh soil was a comforting sensation to him. He was thankful for the distraction that Professor Sprout had somehow known he needed. As he finished wiping off the last table he looked up to see a dark cloaked figure standing outside the greenhouse.

"Hello, Professor," Neville said as Severus came through the door. A feeling of dread washed over Neville as he said this.

"Good Evening, Mister Longbottom." Severus said and positioned himself to lean against a long wooden table near the door.

"Professor Sprout said that you wanted to speak with me. What is this about?" Neville asked.

"Well, I had hoped that we could discuss a few matters of importance," was Severus' reply.

"Oh, okay. Here, let me get some stools for us to sit on," said Neville as he weaved between plants and tables to pull out two stools. He carried one over to Professor Snape and then pulled up the other one for himself.

The professor thanked Neville and settled himself atop the stool, his heavy cloak draped around him. Neville fiddled with his thumbs as he waited for his least favorite Professor to speak. Finally, after a long pause, Severus said, "I have a favor to ask of you."

Nervously, Neville asked, "What is it?"

"Your friend Brixton Winchester and I have been working on a sort of special project together. Discretion is of the utmost importance in our endeavor. It is not so much that anyone here at the school would mind as much as I don't want it to become the subject of gossip. We recently brewed enough Wolfsbane Potion to last former professor Remus Lupin for a year. If my calculations are correct, we should be able to do this each December if we triple the school's supply of wolfsbane. This is where you come in, Mister Longbottom. I know that you are very gifted at Herbology and I thought you might take it on as a special project seeing as how you are preparing to take over for Professor Sprout." Severus folded his hands and sat them in his lap as he said this.

Excitement filled Neville as he said, "Of course! I would be very happy to help professor Lupin in any way that I can. Are you sure that tripling the supply is enough? I would be happy to do whatever is needed."

"I believe tripling the supply would be enough without rousing any suspicions," replied Severus.

"Are we doing anything that might get us in trouble?" asked Neville.

Severus replied, "Oh, no. However, I want to keep it a secret on Lupin's behalf. It would be particularly cruel if it were to get back to him that people were discussing his condition or that he needs the charity of the three of us. It just seems more respectful to keep it amongst ourselves. There is a lot of shame tied to being a werewolf and I do not wish to cause him any more pain than life has already bestowed upon him."

Neville's eyebrows shot up. He had never heard Professor Snape speak so openly or so kindly of anyone before and it was a very big surprise. After a few moments, he asked, "Was there anything else?"

Overhead string lights suddenly kicked on as the sun had completely gone down at this point. "Yes," answered Severus. "It has come to my attention that there are some things that the two of us need to discuss. There are certain things that I believe you deserve to hear. First, I want you to know that I feel you did a wonderful job running Dumbledore's Army while Harry and his other friends were off hunting horcruxes. You did an excellent job helping prepare and defend the younger students at every opportunity. I also heard of how you told off the Dark Lord in front of everyone at the Battle. That was very brave of you and you should be very proud of yourself."

Neville's mouth hung open slightly. He collected himself and replied, "Thank you, sir. I didn't know that you knew about that. We thought we had mostly been able to slip under the radar."

Severus gave a small smile and said, "Who do you think it was that managed to help keep your actions hidden? I did my best to keep the Carrow siblings away from the lot of you."

"I had no idea, Professor. Thank you," was Neville's soft reply.

"Well, I was unable to do a lot by myself to help the cause considering I had a role to play. I knew what you all were doing was very important and would save lives so I just did what little I could," Severus said. "It is I who should thank you for your heroic and protective nature when it comes to those around you. I mean, the simple fact that those two had students practicing the Cruciatus curse on first years was enough to boil my blood. I know that I must have seemed cruel myself over the years, but I would never want harm to befall any student here. That was an indescribably difficult time for me. You and some of your friends made it easier for me to quietly protect innocent lives and for that I am indebted to you." Again, Severus shifted a little as though uncomfortable speaking about these things.

"Thank you, Professor. I didn't know that you were quietly helping us, but given everything Harry has told us I know that must have put you at great risk. It's a shame that no one could know." Neville said, kindness filling his voice. He felt he would never get over some of the things that Snape had done to him over the years, but knowing how they had quietly worked toward the same goal of protecting the students was both a big surprise and a small comfort.

"Speaking of everything Harry has told you; that brings us to the next thing I must discuss with you. I know that Harry was kind enough to somewhat censor what he saw in my memories to save me a lot of embarrassment. However, I have the suspicion that he may have given the unedited version to his closest friends. Am I correct in this assumption?" Severus' face showed almost no emotion but he kept adjusting his cloak, making it clear to Neville that he was bothered by the conversation.

Neville himself was beginning to get very uncomfortable as well. He had never expected to speak so frankly with his professor. In fact, he was used to avoiding the man. He slowly said, "Do you mean about you and Harry's mother. He hasn't been talking about that with many people, but he did tell a few of us that wouldn't quit badgering him for the details."

Severus nodded, unsurprised. He said, "Well, those memories are very important for what I am about to tell you next. I am terribly sorry for the way I treated you over the years. You did not deserve my cruelty and you should know why I behaved the way that I did. There is no excuse for being a bully, and that is exactly what I was to you. Many things I did over the years were because I had a role to play in the war. Unfortunately, being especially cruel to you was not one of them. I am ashamed of the way I acted. However, I do want to offer an explanation in hopes that we can possibly move forward. While I don't deserve your forgiveness, maybe we can be cordial when you join the staff here at Hogwarts."

Neville just sat there waiting for his professor to continue. When that didn't happen he said calmly, "You are right. There is no excuse for being a bully, especially to a child of eleven years old… but what's the explanation?"

Severus cleared his throat and shifted his weight on the stool he was sitting on. He opened his mouth and the words came out very slowly, "I don't know if you have ever heard word of this, but the prophecy that cost Harry's parents their lives could have been talking of another boy. The prophecy described a boy, born at the end of July, whose parents had defied the Dark Lord three times. That boy could have also been you. Did you know this?"

"N…no," Neville said as he leaned forward.

"Well, it is no excuse whatsoever, but in my twisted and heartbroken mind I felt that if it had been you then Lily, Harry's mother, could have been spared. As a result, I had a lot of feelings of misplaced rage towards you. It was childish. It was wrong. And, Neville I am eternally sorry for the way I have treated you over the years. As I said, it's no excuse but it is why I behaved with such malice towards you. You didn't deserve any of it," as he said this Severus finally looked Neville in the eyes and what Neville saw there was nothing but pain and regret.

Neville was positively floored by this confession. He was filled with both empathy and rage. Did my parents not suffer enough, he thought to himself. He took a deep breath and he said, "You are right. It is no excuse. I can understand why you felt the way you did, but it gave you no right to torture a small boy. I was scared of my own shadow back in those days and you took advantage of that and made it worse. You made me absolutely miserable. I don't think I was ever able to brew a proper potion until you were Headmaster and Slughorn was forced to come back for part of a year. It was you that made potions so difficult for me. You know, there are so many people out there that have been dealt a bad hand and they don't go around bullying children. If you are ashamed of your actions it is because you should be. If you want things to be good between us then you need to prove your true colors. Quit hiding from Harry like a coward and just treat people better. Then maybe you and I can be on good terms."

Severus gritted his teeth and said, "I'm not accustomed to being spoken to in such a manner. However, you are right. I didn't come seeking your forgiveness; I came so that I might give you the answers you deserved to hear about why I was the way I was towards you. I plan to do as you say and 'prove my true colors'. I will speak to Harry soon and I will never bully anyone else. That is a promise."

"Good," said Neville, "In that case, I wish you luck in your new position teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. I think you have a lot to offer in teaching that position. I know Brixton is over the moon at the possibility of teaching potions. It's all she talks about these days."

The conversation carried on for a little while longer before Severus excused himself. Once again alone in the greenhouse, Neville took a deep breath and tried to let his anger go. It was hard to feel sympathy for a man who had bullied him so much over the years, but somehow that was all that Neville was left feeling.