Levi stops to watch her. She's sitting in the garden, her favorite place, bent awkwardly over a notebook and furiously scribbling down whatever it is she's writing now.
She's older. A little taller, up to his shoulders almost, which doesn't distress him in the same way as Eren's big ass growth spurt but in another way entirely. Her hair is longer too, closer to her mother's length, and her ponytail is relaxed against her back, rather than pulled up.
Despite all of this, she's still a child. Not so little anymore, but a child nonetheless, and he can see it in the brightness of her eyes, the roundness of her face.
She writes a lot now. She's taken an interest in poetry, and Levi couldn't be happier. As loathe as he is to admit she's growing up even the slightest, she's stopped playing Paper Doll Scout Regiment. He's not sure when it happened exactly, but somewhere along the way she set Paper Isabel down and picked up her pen, and she hasn't mentioned the Scout Regiment recently except to ask how things are going, not that he cares to discuss such unhappy topics with her.
He might not know shit about poetry, but she enjoys it, and he's sure she's talented. And most of all, his relief is palpable.
There have been very few times in his life when he's felt relief. He's much more often felt disappointment, and grief, and regret. There was the time Shannon finally recovered from a serious illness, and that's all he can really think of to compare this to.
Isabel will not join the Scout Regiment.
Which is good, because she's horrible at fighting.
He's been training her ever since he got back from the first trip to the sea, but she shows no signs of being like him, or Mikasa, or Kenny. She's not even on track to becoming as good as a normal soldier, like her mother. If anything she resembles Armin at his worst, and if that isn't a death sentence Levi doesn't know what is.
Strange. From what little they know, it seems Isabel should be powerful. She is an Ackerman, as is he. So why isn't she strong? Why hasn't she felt that sudden surge of strength? Maybe the right conditions haven't been met yet. All her training has taken place in a controlled environment. So maybe, if real danger presented itself, it would change. But he can't take that risk.
And her nature. She's too kind, too entranced by the beauty of the world. She'll never kill. And as happy as he is that she'll never be corrupted in that way, he also knows that a solider has to get her hands dirty. Is that right? He doesn't know. But sometimes, one must kill in order to survive.
And that would break Isabel.
Where does she get it? Not him, not Shannon, not even Brian, who supposedly was wild in his youth. Is this somehow passed down from her grandmothers, from Kuchel and Amelia? Despite their rough lives, they'd cared deeply for people, and he can't imagine either one taking a life.
Well, pros and cons of her innocence aside, he loves her as she is.
Usually.
Levi, now inside, stops and grits his teeth. Again. Again, she left pens and ink out, not properly put away, just waiting to be knocked off the table and make a mess. Something about the pens and ink irk him on a primal level, even more than other messes. It's just so annoying, so unnecessary. Why can't she just put the damn things away?
"Isabel!"
"Coming!" She comes running, her ponytail swinging behind her, and after stopping she quickly brushes her bangs out of her eyes. "Yes, Dad?"
He doesn't have to say anything. He points.
Isabel looks, then slowly turns her face back to him, smiling sheepishly. "Oops?"
"'Oops'? How many times is this, Isabel?"
"I forgot again."
"That's not an excuse."
"I couldn't help it. I got excited." She holds up her notebook. "Do… you want to read it?"
He sighs. "Put away your pens first. Then I'll read it." He can never stay mad at her.
Isabel grabs the pens and ink and runs to take them to her room.
"Don't run with- tch." He gives up.
Soon Isabel returns, pens put away but notebook still in hand. She carefully opens to a page in the middle and hands it to him, eyes dancing.
I wait
in the garden
It smells green and fresh and new
Like happiness
Sun warms my hand and hair and arms
Sun-kissed
Pretty plants all around me grow tall
Flowers, many colors, shapes
Each one different
I hear birds. Some fly away
I wish I could too.
I want to fly so I don't have to wait
And so I won't be lonely anymore.
There's a small flower
in the corner
And I feel bad for him
He has friends, many of them
But he's wilting
Because he needs water
Thirsty
Wanting
Waiting.
Levi reads it, then reads it again. Isabel waits, bouncing slightly.
"It's good. I like it."
The brightest smile graces Isabel's face. "Really?"
"Yes. You will be a good writer someday." If there is a someday, he thinks. It isn't possible to take the future for granted anymore.
Isabel takes the notebook back. "Well, I have to write a lot now, because I won't have time when I get older."
"What? Why not?"
"Well when I'm old enough I'll join the Scout Regiment."
Levi's expression alters ever so slightly. "You still want to join the Scout Regiment?"
"Yeah."
What? No… she won't join the Scout Regiment. He'd been sure of that. Why…?
"Brian… how old was Shannon when she decided she wanted to join the Scout Regiment?"
Brian set down his pen. "Oh… young, when she first expressed interest. She always made Sam play Scouts with her, made swords with sticks and everything… poor boy, I doubt it was ever his first choice of game, but she must've rubbed off on him, him becoming a field medic and all…" Brian laughed.
"How old, Brian?"
Brian picked up on Levi's tone, and he opened his mouth, pausing briefly to think. "Older than Isabel, I know that. She didn't have the exposure to the Scout Regiment that Isabel does, since I had to leave long before she was born."
"So it's my fault."
"No, Levi. It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is. She only knows so much about the Scouts because of me, and she only wants to become one because she wants to be like me."
"If that's all it is, you needn't worry. All children mimic their parents. It's in their nature. When she gets a little older, she'll find her own path. She might even find it necessary to be as little like you as possible."
Levi shifted on his feet. "Am… I doing the wrong thing by encouraging her with her… her games?"
"What, her paper dolls? I doubt that will be a deciding factor in her future career. She just wants to play, and you're a good father for spending time with her and letting her explore her interests."
"But you said Sam only joined because he used to play with Shannon."
"I exaggerated. The Heinrichs used to teasingly blame Shannon all the time. Look, Levi, if there's one thing I've learned in all my years, it's that you can't stop someone from doing something they're passionate about, and you can't force anyone to do something they hate. My father tried to stop me from joining, and I went to all the trouble of marrying a prostitute from the Underground so that he'd disown me and I could do what I wanted. I'm lucky that ended as well as it did, because I was an idiot then.
"Later, I blamed myself for convincing my best friend to join, leading him to his death. And I had to come to peace with the fact that Jaye chose to join the Scout Regiment on his own, and none of my childish, idealistic ramblings could have ever swayed him one way or the other.
"As for my daughter… you know how Shannon felt about the Scouts. As a father you just have to accept that your children are their own people.
"She's only young, Levi. She may grow out of it, or she may not. But don't let this destroy you."
Levi studied the floor. "Don't you ever feel guilty?"
Brian gazed at him steadily. "Who doesn't?"
She'd grown out of it. He'd been so sure she'd grown out of it. Maybe she's under the delusion that it's some great cause, some glorious army fighting the irrefutably evil forces of the world. Maybe if he just explains to her, maybe she'll realize it's all a silly dream…
"Why? It's not what it was four years ago, Isabel. We're not fighting titans. We're not fighting some righteous war. We're fighting people. The whole world. And we don't know what we're doing, or if we're doing the right thing, or even if we're on the right side. It's complicated, and messy, and even more dangerous than before. We don't know what our place in this world is yet. As soldiers or Eldians."
"But… if the world's more dangerous… isn't that more reason to be a soldier?"
Levi pinches the bridge of his nose. "Not for you. You don't need to be a part of this. You are young, and you don't need to fight our battles. Your job is to stay safe, and learn a bunch of shit, and… write poetry and shit, and grow up! You are a child, Isabel. My child. And I won't let you throw away your life!"
"I…"
"I don't understand. How can you even want to be a soldier? You don't like it. You don't like fighting. You're a fucking poet. These…" He gestures at the notebook. "…are not the words of a solider. We both know you enjoy writing more, and you're better at it. You could have a future there. Despite all of my training you're a lousy fighter. You become a soldier and you'll be dead the next day. Do you want that?"
"No! No, of course not." Isabel's eyes glisten. Everything he says is true. She knows the horrors the Scouts have endured, she knows how nasty the world can be. And it frightens her. She isn't fearless, she isn't strong. She's not like her parents. At a younger age she glorified fighting and battles and soldiers, but she's a little older now, and a little wiser, and the thought of battle makes her shake. "But… shouldn't you fight for what you believe in? And… and I wanna believe in hope, and peace, and happiness, and I gotta do something, Dad."
"Your writing is something. I could never write that shit. That's worth more than being a killing machine anyway."
"But who will I write to if everybody's dead?"
Levi closes his eyes and breathes. He speaks again, more quietly. "You're too young to say such things."
The silence feels longer to them.
"I won't talk about it anymore, Dad."
He meets her gaze. "No… no. Don't… I'm sorry. I…"
"It's okay. I understand." The last thing she wants is to upset him. She loves him more than anything.
"I shouldn't have yelled."
She blinks rapidly, and that just makes him want to cry. "Oh Isabel…" It isn't clear which one of them moves first, but in seconds their arms are wrapped around each other.
"I only want you safe."
"I know."
"I'm sorry."
She tightens her hold. "I'm sorry, too."
"For what?"
"Upsetting you."
He sighs a little. "Don't worry about it." Don't worry about it. She's not old enough yet. By the time she is, who knows what will be going on, or if there will even be a world left. Chances are, there won't be a Scout Regiment for her to join. He got worked up over nothing. And even if this nightmare drags out that long, if Brian was right, there's no way he can stop her. "Look… I won't stop you. I won't be happy about it, but I won't stop you."
She smiles up at him. "Okay."
"Okay."
They run out of words.