Chapter Title "You do something to me" by Skunk Anansie

AN: M-Rated Chapter ahead - please enjoy.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!

Rianne studied herself in the bathroom mirror over the big white porcelain basin. Wet hair snaking down over her shoulders, droplets of water running down over her naked breasts. Her face was clean, scrubbed of any make-up, her eyes focused on her reflection, clear blue pupils looking back at her seriously. This was her, right now, 32, a widow, almost a mother, only child, wild child, a mixture of passion and prudence, dreamer, working-bee, a lover, friend, standing on the ledge of a new beginning.
At least it felt like one to her.
She took in the empty space around her neck and over her sternum where there once had been a constant companion for several years until two days ago.
It had felt strange not wearing it, but also okay, she hadn't freaked out about it. So it was the right time.

Taking a deep breath she reached for the small black jewelry box on the shelf next to the mirror, taking out a shiny new piece of gold combined with gemstone. It weighed next to nothing, but it held so much meaning for her, it should have weighed a ton.
Rianne cautiously put it on, running her fingers over the cold metal of the necklace and the small tear-shaped emerald pendant. It looked completely different, but delicate and beautiful. Closing her eyes for a moment she let her breath run through her whole body.

When she opened her eyes again they met Jay's gaze in the mirror. She wasn't startled and didn't flinch. Somehow she had already sensed his presence in the room. Rianne wasn't ashamed of her nudity: there was nothing to see he hadn't seen and touched already several times. Not saying anything and not moving either, he seemed to see this as an invitation to come up behind her, their eyes keeping the contact in the mirror-pane.

"Did Voight leave already?" she asked when Jay had almost caught up to her.

It had been kind of strange to have the feared leader of Intelligence at her home to pay Jay a visit. In those private quarters he hadn't been quite as intimidating as Rianne sometimes saw him act on the job. He had even smiled at her and patted her shoulder when she'd let him in, grunting something like:

"Good on you to keep an eye on him kid!"

Assured that someone was with Jay for a while she had excused herself to take a bath, not wanting to disturb the two men, if they had to talk about confidential stuff.

"Yep, all cleared up," Jay kissed her naked shoulder several times, putting his arm around her waist from behind.

"Did you have to strip down for him?"

Rianne cracked a little smile, because Jay was just in his tight boxer briefs and had taken off the sling around his arm. The thick bandage on his shoulder was a little crumpled.

"No," he chuckled in her ear and his fingers drew soft circles over her belly that made her skin pebble and caused a tingling sensation in her lower abdomen.

Right, there was that burning sensation between them again. Since being home their physical interactions with each other had been rather PG13 up until now.

"That sling is killing my neck after wearing it all day. I was actually getting ready for bed and wondering, if you could help change that dressing?"

"Yeah, sure!" she nodded.

Getting the antiseptic dressings they had been given by the hospital yesterday, Rianne tried to carefully peel off the bandage that was covering Jay's wound, keeping her eyes to the task on purpose. She didn't want to embarrass him by observing his every reaction to pain or discomfort. He stood perfectly still and just let her handle it, trusting her with this. When there were no more layers left, and she had cleaned the skin around his wound, she found herself staring at the clearly noticeable dark round hole just under his left collarbone. She felt her heartbeat increasing and her hand beginning to shake slightly, wondering what it must have felt like to be hit that way by a metal object, aimed at him on purpose, supposed to kill him.

A tear was suddenly running down her face when her fingers hovered over the nasty red scar forming on his skin before she took the new wound dressing and covered it up. This was another reminder on his body that he had cheated death more than once. Just like the second one on his shoulder, a little higher above this one, like the ones on his hip and his throat, the uncountable little scratches from smaller accidents on the job or the war, some he couldn't even really tell her how he had gotten them.

"I'm still here babe," he suddenly said in a low voice.

Jay had of course been watching her closely, catching on to the emotional state she was in. Nothing really escaped his eyes. Rianne gave it her all to compose herself, not go down that spiral of fear and worry. He was right, he was here with her, still in one piece, hugging her to him like he had done before he got shot and almost died. But he hadn't. He felt comfortingly warm, safe and strong. Pressing a kiss to his chest she looked up at his face, also holding a ton of different emotions.

"New necklace?" Jay nodded to the unusual attire around her slender neck.

The one with the Italian signature was missing, instead there was an emerald stone pendant on a wispy golden chain now. It looked simple but pretty. He had watched her put it on right before he went into the bathroom.

"Yeah, that's actually why I was late yesterday. I … went to the burial ground Tuesday evening, put my old necklace in a box and left it with Andrea. I felt like I... had to get a new one. Like a new start? So I went to my favorite jewelry store before I came to the hospital again to see what they had, if something would feel right..."

With an already heavy beating heart Jay touched the pendant around her neck tentatively, his voice laced with emotion when he carefully asked:

"Why this one then?" He knew it was almost like she had taken off her wedding ring.

"I browsed through all the stuff they had and when I saw this one it just… it reminded me of you? Of the color of your eyes, so… yeah, it just felt instantly right…D'you think it's stupid?" Meeting his look with a somewhat lopsided and insecure smile, nose scrunched up a tad bit, Rianne obviously wasn't sure that he'd get what a grand gesture this was.

But Jay did. He was in fact struggling for air, completely overwhelmed by the warm wave of feelings rolling through him. So Jay couldn't help but let his body speak for him, he couldn't possibly find more words than:

"I think it's beautiful!" before he pulled her against him and buried his hand in her still wet hair.

His mouth landed on hers hard, desperate, greedy, his tongue finding a rhythm with hers quickly. Rianne's hands wound around his hips and she pressed her body into his urgently. Its reaction was imminent, electric shockwaves charging through his veins. God had he missed to feel her this close, skin on skin. Actual sighs of relief and pleasure were leaving his mouth.
Suddenly though she wriggled away from him a little, catching her breath:

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you."

"We'll just take it slow, maybe you'll have to help me out..." Taking in her swollen, thoroughly kissed lips and flushed face Jay knew he didn't want to stop yet.

"Like 'first base' slow?" she came closer again, winking and catching his waist.

"I need us to do more than that! I feel like I haven't touched you in so long…" he caressed her naked figure with his eyes, looking her up and down.

Those glorious curves that were already so familiar to him and yet he felt he hadn't appreciated and touched them nearly enough. Screw his injuries, he needed this! He desperately needed to feel like a man again and not an invalid. A man worthy of this woman, a man that could give her what she deserved. She deserved every ounce of love he had to give.

"I did always regret blowing through our first time so fast, so slow sounds good…"

"Yeah, that was kind of intense…" Jay kissed her nose thinking back to that night.

"I was actually afraid that I would not go through with it if I stopped for just a second," she admitted to him.

"I'm glad you didn't. Seems like a lifetime ago…"

"A lot has happened since…"

"Funny to think that only two months ago I kissed you for the first time…"

"Look who's counting now!" Rianne smiled and softly ran her hand through his hair.

It really felt like much more time had passed since then.
Taking his hand in hers and gently tugging at it to make him walk with her, she went back into the bedroom. Jay had turned on the little lights there earlier. It was already dark outside apart from the permanent light veil of the city.

"I need to trust you that you'll stop this when you're in pain Jay," she made him promise with an intense and pleading look in her eyes.

He was sure that he would be in more pain if they stopped right now, but he slowly nodded.

Watching her watch him he moved his hand down her spine and softly cupped her butt cheeks for a moment, before he let his fingers dive even lower, stroking along the silky soft skin on the insides of her thighs. Coming out as an aroused whimper he felt her breath hot on his mouth. First kissing along her chin, then her neck and finally taking one of her already erect nipples into his mouth the temperature in the room was climbing up constantly.
Rianne let her head sink back, giving him better access to her body and closed her eyes. It was so quiet that one could have heard a pin drop, only their agitated breathing sounded three times as loud in Jay's ears. Bestowing featherlight kisses on her stomach, following the lines of those artistic watercolor waves and black-and-white flower petals leading down to her pubic mound, he was then almost kneeling in front of her. When he put his lips on her, the feeling of damp hot skin on his mouth and her little sounds of excitement, drove him completely crazy. He feared his carotid artery would burst any moment, when she pulled him up by his hair and kissed him on his lips full force.
For a split second their eyes met. Rianne climbed on to the bed, Jay followed, ignoring the protest of his still healing rib. She made him lie down, slowing down the pace and taking her sweet time to kiss every possible inch of him, peeling off his boxers as she went, sometimes her lips just whispering along his skin, barely touching him. It made him slowly lose his mind and fall further into an abyss of pleasure.
When Rianne finally guided him inside of her, straddling him like she had done the first time they had done this, but the atmosphere between them totally different, he felt his brain shutting down instantly.

When Jay made her come with that agonizingly slow love making and their fervent kisses of consuming adoration got her to explode around him just a minute before he himself went over the edge of that ecstatic bliss, Rianne noticed she was crying scalding tears. Feeling completely overwhelmed, emotionally and physically exhausted, she got off of him and rolled herself into a tiny ball in the bed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Jay breathed alarmed, wrapping his arm around her tightly.

"I don't really know…" she sniffled, trying to pull herself together, not wanting to be the reason for the guilt and worry in his voice.

"It was just too much of everything for a moment," breathing deeply she turned around in his embrace and pressed her face to Jay's hot chest for a moment.

He just squeezed her back and kissed her hair, unable to say something.

"Are you okay though?" Rianne softly touched his side and his upper arm, bringing her face up to be able to watch his again.

"I'm all good now," he softly smiled into her eyes.

Then his gaze fixated on the shiny golden chain dangling from her neck. Catching the pendant between his fingers he visibly swallowed before he said:

"Thank you!"

Even if he didn't specify for what exactly she let it go and simply stated:

"You're a good man Jay Halstead, so, you're very welcome…"

When they woke up the next morning, facing each other respectively, Rianne found she couldn't utter a single word to him.
She just kept looking back at Jay's face, still in some kind of a haze from their intense sexual reunion. When she traced the pillow-lines on his cheeks with her thumb, glad his face was almost all healed up by now, he bent down and covered her mouth with his lips for yet another sensational time. She really liked the way he kissed her. It was so firm and manly and yet always had a soft edge to it.
Although that kiss was practically one of the tenderest good-morning kisses they had ever shared. Nothing like the hungry, breathless ones full of desire that night or all the nights before.

She wanted it to never end! Actually she never wanted to leave this bed again, nor did she want Jay to leave. In a far away corner of her mind she noticed that she was also still afraid to feel that way. But she decided to just let it go and feel instead of think for now.
Jay must've felt the same, cause he didn't ruin the sphere between them by talking too much and made all the right suggestions:

"I could use some help in the shower and then let's go on a coffee run before that doctor's appointment."

They kept attached at the hip for the rest of the morning.

Rianne drove them to her favorite coffee place and while they stood in line for triple espresso vanilla lattes and what-not ("To mark the occasion!" she said), Jay kept his good arm around her possessively so that Rianne was almost crammed into his side and had nowhere to go.
He loved the way she fit his height so well. When she leaned back into him he could easily rest his chin on her head and nuzzle her hair, in love with the way it smelled of coconut or lavender, or whatever she had chosen to be her flavor of the day.
His hand fiddled with that new golden necklace and caressed her collarbone while the barista took their orders. Jay registered how other men looked at Rianne, while she was totally unaware. He had noticed that even before they had been together. Now it felt even better to know that she was with him and everybody could see it. It was hard to not be a little frightened by how much he enjoyed being with her like this and how slowly some of the complicated knots he had created in his head were resolving on their own. This morning waking up next to her he had been feeling more energetic than in the last days. Things were slowly starting to look up.

After he had had his first appointment with the physiotherapist at Med that would hopefully get him back into shape real soon he had his vitals and wounds checked by Dr. Marcel. Even if he was a bit sore from last night he hadn't ripped any stitches and was good to go. So it had been worth any pain he might have been feeling throughout. Jay was even happier when he was told he didn't have to come back before Monday the following week.

Next Rianne and him were headed for Illinois Beach State Park. She had decided they both could use some fresh air and as Lake Michigan was the closest thing they had to an ocean, which she believed to have healing powers, they headed out of the city.
Also Rianne had claimed this was the last opportunity to take her van out for a drive, before he had to go into 'hibernation'.
The Chicago winters really didn't do any good to such vintage cars, so she had it garaged from the end of October until April every year.

With the windows rolled down a bit, catching the last rays of warming sunshine on this beautiful autumnal day, a gentle breeze flowing in, it almost came close to feeling like being on a vacation. Although he had felt out of place at first, because he liked faster and more modern cars, Jay had begun to like the advantages of this ride. Everything just flowed automatically slower and for once in his life he had nothing but time. Time to get better, time to get himself back on track in any possible way.

The radio humored them with some good-mood songs that Rianne wasn't ashamed to perform out loud with all of her heart, making Jay laugh out loud with all of his, causing her to laugh and sing even more, because she told him she thought he had the goofiest laugh she'd ever heard.
Turned out she was really into Springsteen and the 80's, knowing all the lyrics by heart. Jay wasn't the one to sing along to songs, but he enjoyed listening to her, telling each other which songs reminded them of important milestones in their life.

There was a light atmosphere in that van throughout the simple drive out of the city. He was still alive. It seemed that this fact was just slowly reaching all the parts of Jay's brain and warming him up inside.

They parked the van on a little lot above the main beach of the Southern unit of those almost 6 miles of Lake Michigan shoreline.
Jay couldn't even remember when he'd been at any kind of beach just for fun not to solve crime lately. It was beautiful, a fresh breeze blowing Rianne's scarf and hair around when they went down to set foot onto the light beige sand. The waves rolling onto the shore were no real ocean waves, but nevertheless there were some ensuring that soothing sound. Now in the off-season there were only few people here, taking their dogs for a walk, running along the shoreline, probably some tourists enjoying the view or young families taking their kids out on a Friday afternoon to take advantage of the mild temperatures. The sky was now full of clouds, slowly forming into another rain-front, but at times the sun pushed through again, drenching everything in a surreal glow.

Rianne had reached for his hand the minute they had left the car, something that was quickly becoming self-evident.
They had been walking along the coastline for a while in silence when she stopped:

"Are you up for a little ocean therapy-game?"

He just raised his eyebrows at her in question, so she elaborated.

"We'll search for some big stones, we choose what they shall stand for, what we wanna leave behind. Like our biggest fears, regrets, mistakes, take your pick. Then we'll just throw them into the water, as far away as we can. You can do it in silence or you can tell me, either way: the other one just listens."

"O-Kay…" Jay wasn't really sure what would come of this, he feared he might even feel a bit stupid, but he wanted to humor Rianne and give it a try.

Assembling some heavy looking or at least big enough stones was the easier part, when it came to giving them some meaning was were it got tricky.

"I'll go first if you want…" Rianne picked up a crumply black one from their pile.

Jay found he was eager to hear what she would say.

"A moment I would wanna go back to, but can't: I would wanna apologize to Andrea for the fight we were having the moment before our car crashed, for not trying to see things from his perspective more!" She took one last look at the stone, then threw it in the water with all her might.

"What were you fighting about?" Jay dared to ask, looking at her guardedly and hoping that wasn't against the "rules".

"The usual I think. The last few months we had been fighting a lot more. Andrea had an Italian temper, he quickly got upset with things and he somehow found it difficult to deal with me being the one bringing in all the money. Suddenly it was a problem that my parents are rich and were sending us presents for the baby… So that day we were fighting about all this again: About him being irresponsible, getting high on weed instead of looking for a steady job. I felt like we weren't communicating anymore. Usually we didn't have to explain ourselves so much. I was beginning to think that maybe we had this teenage and twenty-something love that just didn't survive our thirties and all the grown-up-stuff that comes with it. But I guess I will never know if we had overcome all this and had a happy life together after all, a real family…Maybe he was already in trouble and if I had gone at this a different way I could have helped him?"

"I know all about regretting last moments, last conversations…"

So Jay told her all about his dad. How they had fought about selling the house he was living in because he couldn't take care of it and he and Will had moved him into that fateful apartment complex. How Pat had accused Jay of just wanting his money, which was ridiculous cause there wasn't any money to want. How Jay had finally lost it as he had so many times before with his father and called him a " stubborn old prick" a thankless one as well. It still followed him around that this was the last thing his dad ever heard from him, before he coded and couldn't be revived. He had only been 64. How Jay had found out that after all this time believing he was a failure in his dad's eyes and couldn't do anything right, that Will was the favorite son, his father had kept every article, every photo of Jay's successful career. Yet he had never told him that he was secretly proud of him.

It was not a joyful topic, but it felt nice sharing this with one another, so the second stone went into the lake and one by one the others followed.

"My biggest regret: Not stopping for a minute to think when we handled the Marcus West case. I feel like everything could have gone differently then and I wouldn't have to deal with all these consequences now."

Rianne just listened to a whole bunch of things he found he wanted to leave behind, like she had said. No judgment, she was neither correcting nor patronizing him. She respected his perception, whatever he was feeling, no matter if it was right or wrong in her eyes. He knew he couldn't go back and change things, but it felt good to say out loud what he wished he could change. Finally there was only one stone left that they had gathered and Rianne took it.

"My biggest fear currently: Going with you all the way, no safety net, no insurance, just falling deeper and deeper in love with you and then losing it all over again, whatever the reason for that."

"I second that," Jay croaked and reached for her hand.

Falling deeper in love meant she was having more than a major crush on him, didn't it? One had to be in love already to be falling deeper and deeper.

"You wanna throw it then?" she asked.

"No, you do it!" he told her instinctively, feeling she needed to let this go more than he did.

No matter the costs, he knew he had already cut all ties to a safety net and banned all thoughts of an insurance, because he was just crazy in love with her. And as recent experiences showed: Life only lasted so long, so poetically put: Better to have loved and lost than not loved at all!

Hesitating for a second, weighing the weight of the stone in her hand, she let go of his and looked at him apologizing:

"I feel I need to take a run-up for this!"

"Okay, knock yourself out!"

"Can you hold it for a second?"

She was really doing this. Giving the stone to him she started to take off her woolen scarf and long jacket, socks and boots, then exchanged stone for her clothes with him and ran up the beach, until she had reached the border of the dunes.
This was kind of crazy. After all it was just a symbol, just a little 'therapy-game' or whatever she had called it, but she was taking it so seriously, it was adorable and touching.

"You go girl!" Jay found himself cheering her on.

Laughing and whooping all the way down to the waterfront she threw that stone. It went wide and landed in the lake with a giant splash. She raised her arms in the air, her feet in the water now too, turning around and beaming at him with sparkling eyes. Rianne ran back towards him, offering him her hand for a high-five which he of course didn't pass on:

"I did it!"

"I fucking love you, you know?" Jay couldn't stop himself this time, catching her in his arm and pressing a kiss to her lips, before she could protest.

His heart was beating fast when he ended the kiss and took in her reaction.

"Oh yeah, I love you too!" She looked at him surprised, as if he had just said something that was completely redundant and already discussed.

"What? Just like that?" Jay thought he must have heard her wrong, letting go of her in a bit of a shock.

Here he had been somehow afraid to ruin everything by saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and now she was acting like it was no big deal.

"'Just like that' my ass! I already told you I had a complete crush on you!" Rianne was putting her shoes and jacket back on as if they weren't just discussing something major.

"Yeah right, you said you had a crush on me, but you didn't say that you love me. There's a difference."

Some things weren't just the same, at least to him they weren't, so he had to be nit-picker about it.

"What are we, seventh grade? Crush, love… it swings and roundabouts."

Could it be possible that she could only do this from a distance? Admit that she loved him, like really loved him? Now she was even beginning to walk away from him, continuing their stroll on the beach.

"I'm afraid I need you to hear you say it," he called after her, maybe pushing his luck.

"Right fine, I love you." Rianne turned around to him, still walking backwards and throwing her hands in the air like 'whatever!'

He heard thunder rolling in the distance and first rain drops starting to fall gently on his face. Great timing…

"Come again?" Jay started walking, acting as if he didn't hear her the first time.

"I - LOVE - YOU!"

Hands acting as a megaphone she hollered those three words that were prone to make his day, his week, hell maybe even his month, across the beach, making some people who were walking by turn their heads. They were on their way again soon after, not knowing that this moment was adding more glue to the cracks and dents of his heart and soul.

"That's more like it," he laughed and caught up to where she was scowling at him in mock annoyance, but soon began to smile and took his hand again.

Just like that, as if they hadn't just taken a pretty big step in their relationship.

"Maybe we should talk about how you didn't say it before!" Rianne eyed him sternly, pinching his upper leg hard, making him jump up a little.

"What the fuck? That's not even true! I remember wanting to say it much sooner but someone shut me up!"

Those dark clouds that had been on the horizon all afternoon were right above them now, the rain getting heavier by the minute.

"I don't know what you're talking about," snorting with laughter and letting go of his hand she wanted to start running towards where they had parked the car, the thunder now rolling in pretty loudly.

But Jay didn't let her and held on to her waist, pinching her just as hard as she just had done to him, making her yelp.

Jay silenced that sound by kissing her once more and whispered near her ear, a prankful smile in his voice:

"You really can't lie for shit Missie!"

AN: Yeah, maybe I was getting a little emotionally overboard on this one, but I just felt like it and hope you guys can run with it as well. THANKS a ton for reading on!