Tears and Colors Chapter 14
Previously...
Caleb is over the hump and sneaks out of the hospital room at night. Mac and Jim are hunting a ghost in the same hospital. Caleb ends up in the hospital chapel and prays in his Despair.
Despair
Abe Sullivan sat at his desk, frustrated, picking up the next file from the stack, over which he could barely look, which was considerable because he was a bear of a man.
He read the name Caleb Reaves. The pre-teen's grumpy face popped into his mind's eye. He hoped the boy would be released from the hospital tomorrow and come home to Ms. Isbell.
This morning he had surprisingly met her there. She was really worried about Caleb. But there were always people who couldn't get along with difficult children like Caleb, no matter how good their intentions may be, that's not their fault, they aren't doing anything wrong directly. They just lack the children's perspective. They had a lot of work to do if that was supposed to work.
He opened the file and began reading the 1978 police report. So far all he knew was what Ms. Isbell had told him. The pictures in the police file were terrible. The youth worker realized that the six-year-old Caleb had seen it all.
Abe didn't take the Jonny Walker out of his desk very often. But this was one of the cases that got under his skin. He had seen a lot so far, but for some reason this boy troubled him more than the others.
*** SPN *** BH AU ***
Nurse Teresa nodded to the Mexican woman, Polina or something like that, who pushed the breakfast cart towards the ward, then yawned heartily when no one was looking and went back to her TV show. A knock on the glass interrupted her, however. Sullen, she went to the door and asked Polina what was going on.
"No one in room 79 there, should I take food with again?"
Teresa looked at the occupancy schedule. Caleb Reaves, 12 years old, was supposed to sleep there. Peggy had finished her usual round at 10 p.m. and assured her that everything would be quiet and everyone in their room. She switched off the television and motioned for Polina to wait a moment before heading for the said room.
The bed was rumpled, the hospital nightgown was on the floor, and a gym bag was open on the bed. No shoes, no street clothes were in the closet or anywhere else in the room. That couldn't be true. Why does something like this have to happen on her shift? She ran back to the nurses' room and hit the speed dial button for security.
*** SPN *** BH AU ***
The door of the chapel opened silently and Pastor Jordan headed for the altar to prepare his sermon in the hospital chapel. Not many patients came, but if only one came to Jesus through him, it was worth all the effort. As he walked, he checked his watch, it was only 6 a.m. He still had time to pray and make all the preparations. He stopped in mid-movement, because on the floor in front of the altar lie a figure dressed in black unmoving.
Oh Jesus Christ that was a child! With a hasty step he came closer and touched the boy's shoulder. Thank god he was moving. Far too quickly though, because he hit the pastor in the face when the boy jerked up in shock from the touch.
"No!" Caleb shouted loudly, for he had just been caught in a dream in which high dark waves tried to push him under water. His face felt hot and puffy. He stared into the priest's face with wide eyes.
He was middle-aged, all people between 30 and 50 seemed middle-aged to teenagers. The man rubbed his cheek and Caleb realized he'd just hit him.
"What the ... who are you ... I didn't want to ..."
Caleb slid back a good distance from the man, he didn't like it when someone came so close to him.
The boy looked scared and lost as he shrank from him. Not like a patient, because he was wearing his street clothes but visiting hours were beginning at 8 o'clock. So what was he doing here? The kid wiped the dark strands of hair out of his face and Jordan saw that he had been crying. Jordan smiled forgivingly at Caleb.
"First of all: I'm Pastor Jordan. Second: Could I ask you the same thing, after all, you're lying in my church room. And third: It's okay ... nothing happened, I should have spoken to you first."
"I ... I'd better go."
He was already on his feet and hurried to the door.
"Son wait, stay on, it's really okay. We don't have to talk either if you don't want to. I'll just keep preparing my speech and you can calm down for a moment."
Caleb paused and frowned, almost back to the door. What should he do outside, in his hospitalroom he could hardly stand it where should he go? Wandering around NYC again? He could go to Elliot, but he didn't even know which hospital he was in. And the last time that had ended with the cops. so he accepted the offer and sat in one of the back rows and watched the pastor.
After a while he got a grip on himself again. The pastor prayed and read his notes. Caleb's gaze followed him the whole time. Every now and then Jordan would peek at the boy and find that he was watching him. Finally the boy broke the silence.
"How do you know that God exists?"
Jordan lifted his head and took off his reading glasses to place them on the desk. He stepped closer to the boy, but made sure to keep a row of seats away.
"Well, how do you know he doesn't exist? Just because you can't see things doesn't mean they're not there."
"Well, that's a cryptic answer, man."
"Why are you here if you don't believe he exists?"
Caleb didn't answer, and was already thinking of leaving. However, the pastor was not intrusive and even kept his distance from his personal space. What harm would it do to speak to him.
"It was quiet here and I was confused and had to think. I don't really know why I got in here."
"When it is quiet we hear what God has to say to us. Sometimes it takes time to hear the answer. We humans are impatient. But he always answers, in my experience. Time is not as important to him as it is to us."
"I think time is important. You don't even know what can happen in a few weeks. If God doesn't hurry with his answers, he can stay where he is."
"Maybe you want to tell me? Sometimes it helps to express your worries."
"I don't think it helps to tell you that I haven't been able to sleep since my grandma died ..."
Now it was out and somehow it flipped a switch and the words gushed out of him.
"... and not only did I lose the last family I had, Bird dragged me to this fucked up city too. I don't know anyone here or anything. What does God have to say about it? I don't think he's interested in us if he's around."
Jordan let Caleb calm down again before speaking.
"What's your name, if I may ask?"
He was confused. He had actually expected that the priest would start to discuss his answers and ask for more details, like all adults. He decided to answer because he didn't want to 'express more of his worries'.
"Caleb."
Jordan smiled, slightly amused. The boy saw the grin with a changing mood and got angry.
"What do you think that's funny?"
"No not at all. I think you will find your way Caleb. Do you know your name occurs in the bible? It means loyal, full of devotion, with all your heart, brave".
Caleb raised an eyebrow over this revelation, surprised and calmer now. But suddenly the door was pushed opened and a nurse looked around searching.
"Caleb Reaves?"
Caleb dropped his head on the back of the chair in front of him and sighed. That would cause trouble again.
"I'm glad we found you. All the hospital staff is looking for you.
Do you realize the trouble you caused?"
Pastor Jordan jumped into the rut for Caleb. The boy had obviously had enough on his plate. He didn't even have to lie.
"He was just looking for a little rest and just wanted to go back to his room, right Caleb?"
Caleb looked at the man and wondered why he was helping him. But then nodded ruefully and let the nurse escort him outside. Jordan looked after him thoughtfully and continued to talk to the Lord.
Oh Lord, have mercy on this poor lost boy and give peace to his heart.
The nurse took him back to his room where Bird was waiting.
"Caleb, are you okay?"
He flinched from her embrace. She acted as if they hadn't fight just yesterday and he switched to stubborn, put his hands in his pockets and nodded sullenly.
"You can't just get out of your room like that! What was that supposed to mean?"
"Can we just go home?"
Bird snorted in frustration and tried to calm down again. The constant fighting did nothing good. She even understood a little that he wanted to go home.
"Pack your things, I'll talk to the doctor."
*** SPN *** BH AU ***
June 1983 New York City
He walked through the overcrowded school hallways and looked for the way to his classroom. A group of older student came towards him and he was pushed hard on the shoulder.
"Hey, watch out you freak!"
He hated this school. Caleb rubbed his shoulder as he watched the guy go. The rest of the day didn't go any better either. He was still trying to work through with the material, and the English teacher found it obviously funny to ask him about grammar today. The class had at least had something to laugh about. Fed up with English, he snuck out of school. These assholes can go and fuck themselves.
He had really tried, he had been trying to function for over a month. Abe Sullivan had turned up at Bird's house as soon as he was released from the hospital and had made it clear to the two that further such actions by Caleb would result in Bird being stripped of foster mother status.
He was getting angrier and angrier and his feet carried him towards the East River. His gaze fell on the gate of the Manhattan Bridge and he headed for the interesting structure. For a long time he just looked at the construction. He thought of his father, who had liked to bring him models of bridges. He ask himself the same question since years. What happened that night? Why did his father do this to his mother ... he couldn't even think the thought to its end. Tears welled up in his eyes.
Caleb tried to think about something else and looked at the passers-by. When he had tortured himself enough with happy families, he looked at the clock of the bus station. He had to go home or Bird would be calling the cops again. The last few weeks she has been particularly precise with the times he should be home.
The pre-teen opened the door and Bird stood in the hallway with her arms crossed, apparently already waiting for him. Caleb checked the watch. He was on time, why she was so upset?
"Where have you been!? Do you realize that when you skip school, you'll be noticed? The director called me, again! Talk to me if there is a problem in school."
"I was sick, I needed some fresh air."
Bird didn't take the lazy excuse.
"In such cases, you go to the school nurse or sign off, you don't just leave the school premises, and then why didn't you come home? You left school 4 hours ago! Where did you hang around?"
Bird sighed in frustration and tried to calm down. He was fine, he had come home and wasn't lying unconscious or dead in any alley in NYC. She continued calmer now.
"Caleb, I'm worried about you. Have you got yourself pills again?"
"What! NO! Leave me the fuck alone!"
He turned and ran into his room before she could say another word to him. His door was still broken and he had already made a habit of tucking the chair on the doorknob to prevent Bird from entering. She thought he was a junkie, just fucking perfect. Caleb hadn't bought any more pills. He had learned his lesson and the last thing he wanted was to wake up in the hospital again.
Caleb's anger rose up his throat. He had to take it out on something and rammed his fist into the wall of the room. It hurt, but the anger suppressed the pain, he hit again and again. Until his hand was bleeding and he dropped to his knees. His hand trembled and the pain started. The boy stared at his blood pouring from his split knuckles. With the other hand he clutched his wrist and leaned against the wall, resting his head to the wall and the tears of despair trickled down his cheeks.
"Caleb, I put some food in the oven for you, I have to go to the store now, okay?"
Bird received only a grumble in response because if he didn't answer, Bird would have probably already dialed 911 again. The front door closed and he was alone. Alone with his thoughts, alone with his pain, alone with his nightmares. The teen couldn't tell how long he sat on the floor and did nothing. But he was hungry and he had at least to clean his hand.
He headed for the bathroom first and ran water over his blood crusted swollen knuckles. It burned. Damn it burned. He should find another outlet for his anger, at least no more the wall. It started to bleed again, he pressed a towel on it and looked awkwardly for a bandage. At least by now he could put on a simple bandage. The only thing he had enjoyed besides art class was the first aid course and today the course showed what it brought him.
Satisfied with the result, he went into the kitchen and ate what was left in the oven. He didn't give much attention to the food. Then the telephone rang. Who could call here? Only a few people had even the number. Unsure, he picked up the phone and listened.
"Hello Ms. Isbell? Hello?"
"This is Caleb."
"Caleb, this is Abe Sullivan. How are you?"
Caleb chuckled his shoulders and a short, crazy laugh escaped his throat. That was a question! Like most people, he lied to this question, which was almost never meant to be honest, but rather a greeting.
"Good, I'm peachy!"
Abe noticed the sarcasm.
"Where's Ms. Isbell? I have a few things to discuss with her."
What was it he wanted to discuss with Bird? Of course it was about him, and again he had nothing to say.
"She's in the store. Try again later."
He threw the phone down, went back to his room and stayed there until Bird came home and called for dinner.
Sullenly, he put the book aside and entered the kitchen a little later, only to stop in shock because at the table was none other than his case worker, Abe Sullivan. He quickly caught himself hiding his injured hand behind his back and give one of his cheeky phrases.
"Abe man, what brings you to our humble hut?"
Abe did not miss the movement. He raised his eyebrows but said nothing.
"Caleb, I would have spoken to you earlier if you hadn't hung up so quickly."
Reaves just shrugged and sat across from Abe at the table. Bird put a plate in front of him and continued to speak.
"Mr. Sullivan visited me at the store. He wanted to see how we were doing."
Bird looked at him intently, realizing that she wanted him to behave properly. Why should he do her this favor? He picked up the cutlery and everyone in the room stared at the bandage on his hand. A few red stains of blood had soaked the bandage and were clearly visible.
Bird roughly pushed back the chair and snapped at the boy.
"Caleb, what happened?"
Reaves shrugged irrelevantly. And started to eat.
"No big deal, I fell. Shit like that happens. Too bad I can't do homework with that."
"You should have a doctor look at that. Not that anything is broken."
Abe didn't buy the story from him. Bird had just told him what had happened today. She would have mentioned if he'd been hurt. But he wasn't prepared for the outburst of anger that followed. Caleb got up suddenly.
"Fuck, I don't give a shit about your opinion! You're not dragging me to the doctor again! I'm good!"
He swept his plate from the table, which broke into many pieces when it hit the floor, and stormed out of the room. Abe and Bird stared after the boy.
"Are you okay, Ms. Isbell?"
Bird shook her head and burst into tears. Abe waited until she had recovered and handed her a handkerchief.
"I just don't know how to go on. What should I do with him?"
"I see what you mean, Caleb has been through a lot and you don't know how to deal with him and the situation. On this point, he apparently closes himself off from everyone who wants to help him. I know it sounds harsh, but maybe it will be better, for both of you, if Caleb is put somewhere else. To have a fresh start without you as a constant reminder of his old life."
Bird stared at him, startled. She felt terrible. Ruth would be so disappointed. She wanted Caleb to be fine, and the way they kept quarreling was in no way good for either of them. Mr. Sullivan may have been right.
"What would that look like?"
"First of all we would have to report the matter to the youth welfare office and they would look for a foster family who could fit. The rest is up to the judge."
"He'll hate me for this."
She buried her face in her hands and Abe patted her shoulder sympathetically.
TBC
A/N: I hope you like it. I don't know if I made any bad mistakes with the youth welfare way of dealing with such cases. Feel free to tell me. And please review, it would so make my day.