Chapter 12C - Mack and Daria and Quinn Get Kevin Back on Track

"This," Daria thought as she approached her locker which Lawndale High's starting quarterback was currently slouching against. "Is why I should never leave the house without my whistle?"

"Hi Kevin," She greeted him. "I can only assume you are either waiting for me or being a gallant and noble hero guarding my locker which just developed a broken lock."

Kevin straightened and smiled at her. "I think your locker's okay, Daria."

He spun the combination several times and jiggled the latch up and down so vigorously that several students paused momentarily to see what the banging was all about.

"See? It's okay and I am waiting for you."

"Thanks Kevin, and um, let's hope I can get it opened and locked successfully after that. I do need my books."

He stepped aside as she switched up materials. He looked on sheepishly and hopefully, so much that she had to take pity and pause after she successfully relocked her home-away-from-home.

"Kevin, the aliens haven't implanted me with the experimental mind reading module yet. In other words, what can I do for you? And I mean that in a very light burden do-for-you sense."

"Well, Daria you see," He began with some animation then trailed off and gave her a slow up and down appraisal.

Daria nearly shivered, "Gah, I remember when we moved up to Lawndale and a couple truckers cat-called at me at that truck stop. Those sweet, semi-felonious trucker guys I rode with almost beat the crap out of them until I begged them to just move on. Kevin's almost as creepy. Ish. But, but I still feel sorry for him."

She sighed and cocked an eyebrow at him to continue.

"Hey Daria," Kevin began. "I got tickets to that Boyz II Guyz or is it Boyz II Men?, anyway I got two tickets to that concert on Saturday night. They'd be doing their new hit, What You Want I Could Do. Chicks dig that one.What do you say we hit that new Tex-Mex place in Briarwood before the concert? Then, maybe, you know, afterwards, we walk on the beach?"

As hall became brighter and brighter with her eyes getting wider and wider letting in more light, Daria also felt her mouth drop open. Kevin noticed and waved his hands to indicate clarification upcoming.

"No big deal, you know, just a friendly night with two friends enjoying good music. Chick music anyway, it's not quite as good as that new band doing those video game music covers or that other band at the Zon with the singer who sort of looks like Jane if Jane were a guy but it's bearable. Brittany likes 'em. Brittany, uh, what do you say?"

"Kevin, you're rambling or prattling maybe, after years with Quinn I can't tell anymore. But listen to yourself, you're trying to ask me for a date, I'm, uh, flattered, but you mention Brittany twice. Actually, you may have even just called me 'Brittany'."

Despite having ten inches of height over her, Kevin leaned back as Daria leaned in closer for emphasis. Kevin bit his lip as his short classmate went on.

"You want Brittany, Kevin. Not me or whichever other poor girl you may have waylaid in the halls of Lawndale High."

Kevin looked down and rubbed the back of his head. Daria watched him turn this way and that looking up and down the bustling hallways as if someone were coming with an answer.

"Not that I'm not flattered that you ask me or anything," Daria appended to help him think.

"You're right, I need Brittany." Kevin looked up.

"Kevin, Brittany's a big girl." Daria said and added sotto voce, "Which I have noticed in more ways than one."

"She can make her own decisions," Daria said and continued gently, "It's only been a few days since she dumped you but, yeah, you may have to face it and give her up."

"I can't give up Brit that easy, Daria. Even if I'm third down and long."

It took a moment for her to parse the sports reference so she did not respond to Kevin going on with, "You're a chick, right."

"Chicks dig gifts, this has to be a good one. What can I give her to get her back, Daria?"

Daria's tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth and before she could pull it back into speaking position tiny puffs of smoke blossomed over each of her shoulders. She jerked her head left and right.

"You guys again?" She asked the tiny Devil Daria over her right shoulder and half-pint Angelic Morgendorffer hovering on the left.

"By the way," Daria asked the red-horned one. "Been meaning to ask: how do you fly like your counterpart when you don't have wings? I always thought hovering devils had slick leathery bat wings."

"Magnetic levitation," The tiny demon answered. "We're up on latest technology unlike Miss Goody-two-boots over there." She pointed her pitchfork and pointy tail at the Angelic Morgendorffer.

"And it takes many teslas of energy to keep her from being dragged down to her proper place in the netherworlds." The white-winged being on Daria's left said.

"At any rate, nice threads the both of you. So what's up? I either have an appointment with O'Neill's language arts class or now that I am hallucinating in addition to questioning my sexuality an immediate emergency appointment with a reputable shrink."

"No need to question," Devil Daria said. "You can take a big step to realizing your actuality and sexuality by telling Kevin to give Brittany something she'll hate like a football autographed by that QB guy Joe Namotrode or something. He'll be out of the picture and then we can do something about Quinn."

Devil Daria flew in closer to her ear. "Then you can mash yourself against those big, firm tits all you want and I know you want to mash your girls on hers many times, girl."

"Eep." Daria felt her face grow hot and red.

"Gross buckets! Crude is as crude does," Angelic Morgendorffer flew in closer to her left ear. "You made a vow with Quinn and to yourself that you would let Brittany decide what was best for Brittany. Give him that present you have in your locker. You were going to give it to her; you know she'll love it. You'll win her anyway come what may. Then you can mash your girls against hers all you want and with a good conscience."

"Eep," the angelic one squeaked but Daria compared her soft, sweet smile with the practiced smirk on her right and made a decision.

To the growing smile on her left and the open-mouthed gape of disappointment on her right Daria reopened her locker.

"Daria?" Kevin asked. "Is that how brains make a decision? Mumbling to yourselves so no one else can hear? Maybe I should try that."

"Give her this, Kevin." She handed him the autographed copy of a B. Liddell Hart book on strategy which her father had inherited from Mad Dog Morgendorffer. "Tell her you remembered she talked about this old soldier in history class and you searched second-hand bookstores from here to Baltimore to find her a copy. She'll love it."

Daria showed the autograph to the perplexed Kevin and he smiled happily as she explained who the author was. He started down the hall after thanking her. Parting shots came from her left and right as she watched him.

"You'll regret that."

"You'll never regret doing the right thing."

"Wait Kevin, one last thing." Daria called after him. She handed him a final item from her locker.

"Wow," Kevin stared at it in wonder. "Cool! A macaroni necklace, each little elbow thingy dyed in the school colors. Thanks again, Daria."

Daria nodded at the carefully hand-wrought jewelry which a smitten-with-her young Tad Gupty had given her one baby-sitting evening.

"Yes, a book of verses and jewelry. Sure to win her heart. I don't know about the color-fastness of the dye, Kevin, best to tell her not to wear it against the skin. Oh, and take her to the concert too."

"Bad, bad choice," she heard from her right. "She might actually love it."

"Bad, bad choice," she heard from her left. "She might actually hate it."

Then 'tsk-tsk' dismissive sounds came in stereo.

"You're right," Angelic Morgendorffer said. "This one's hopeless."

"Yeah," Devil Daria agreed. "Hey, you wanna get pizza?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

The shoulder surfers disappeared in two gentle puffs of smoke and air. Daria was only a couple minutes late to O'Neill's class. He understandably accepted her excuse about needing time to realize her actuality.

EPILOGUE:

"You mean," Quinn stared at her sister that night during the debriefing session they had agreed to hold twice weekly. "Kevin asked you out before he wanted advice about Brittany? He asked you out and didn't offer those hot tickets to me?"

Daria smiled a small, sweet smile as she watched Quinn put hands on her hips and attempt to think of a good reason for the unfathomable.