When Miku climbed up the stairs to her room, she walked past two girls, giggling and talking, and when they saw her they abruptly fell silent, wide grins on their faces.
"What happened?" she asked, and they just shook their heads, hurrying down the stairs past her. She frowned, but decided not to question it – maybe there was some dumb rumour floating about again. People would forget about it before long.
She finally reached her floor, groaning to herself, and then she stopped and stared – Len was standing outside her door, his hands shoved in his pockets, pointedly ignoring the girls peeking at him from around the corner. Her heart leapt to her throat.
"Len?" she called, wondering if she was somehow mistaken, and he looked up at the sound of her voice, his face filled with relief. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to talk to you." He glanced around, looking rather uncomfortable. "Can we go inside your room first? I feel like I'm being watched…"
Well, he was. But she decided not to point that out. "Yeah, sure. Hang on." She fished her key out of her pocket, unlocking the door, and then she grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside her room. He yelped, startled by the sudden gesture, but she was relieved to be away from the curious stares of passers-by.
"What did you want to talk about?" Len never came to her dorm unless he was looking for Rin, and she was pretty sure he knew her schedule better than she did. He inhaled, and she stared at him, her heart beating uncomfortably fast.
"You know how we've been involved with each other the past few months?" he asked, and she nodded, unable to help the cold dread that coiled in her gut. Was he going to suggest that they break things off? "I was wondering if you'd like to do…well, more."
That made her pause. "More? What do you mean?"
He sighed. "We only ever seem to meet for one reason. Not that I want to stop, but it'd be nice to get to know each other outside of that. At least, that's how I feel." His eyes were earnest. "But it's up to you. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything."
"Oh." Her pounding head was making it difficult to think. "Like, you want to be friends? Aren't we already friends, though?"
"Maybe we can become better friends." He peered at her. "Just wondering. Why are you dressed like this today? Hangover?"
"Yes," she moaned, taking off her hat and sunglasses and tossing them on her desk. "I feel like crap. Shouldn't have eaten that carbonara."
His lips twitched. "Want some water? It'll help with the headache. Your pitcher is empty – I can fill it up for you if you'd like."
"Oh! That would be nice." Then she thought about the girls lurking outside. "But won't it be uncomfortable for you? There are lots of people hanging around the hallway."
"It's fine. I can ignore them." Len grabbed the pitcher, then placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, steering her towards her bed. "Just rest for now. I'll be right back."
She took his advice, curling up on her bed and watching him with her eyelids slowly lowering – Len left her room, and she thought about how nice he was, how he always treated her so well, soft and sweet and tender. His eyes were ever-changing, waves crashing against the shore, and looking at him never failed to take her breath away.
Miku glanced at the white bear on her bed, then cuddled it against her chest, resting her chin on the fluffy fur. Her mind blanked out as she closed her eyes, and for a while she just lay there, breathing. In, out. The silence was pleasant.
She was close to falling asleep when Len returned with her pitcher. He quietly closed the door behind him, placing the pitcher on her desk. She watched him, her eyes just barely open – maybe he couldn't tell she was awake. He closed her blinds, throwing her room into darkness, and then drew out her chair and sat on it, using his phone.
It was strangely relaxing, watching him. Len was always calm and kind and serene, an oasis in the storm that was university life. Every once in a while, he'd smile at his screen and she wondered what he was looking at, what could make his lips curve up so gently, so gracefully – she wondered if he was on Finder perhaps, talking to girls, meeting new people. Weren't most people on that app nowadays?
The thought of Len possibly being on Finder left a bitter taste in her mouth. Not that she had any reason to mind. But it was enough to make her sit up, still clutching her bear to her chest. "Len?" she said, her voice drowsy. He looked up at her.
"Oh, Miku. You're awake." He tapped on his phone, then flipped it around to show her his screen. "I was watching this cat video, and I think you might like it."
"Cat video?" She blinked as she saw two kittens with the roundest blue eyes tumbling over each other, their little pink mouths wide open. "Oh! They're so cute!"
"They really are," he agreed, and she thought he was cute too when he stared at the screen like this, his expression soft. "Do you think I could keep a cat in my room?"
"No, you'd probably get caught by the resident advisor." She flattened her palm against her forehead. "But it would be nice if we were allowed to have pets."
"It would be." He paused, running his thumb along the edge of his phone. "Rin and I used to own a cat. But we gave it up for adoption when our parents separated. Sometimes I wonder how it's doing. It would be so old now if it was still alive."
Miku frowned. "Rin never told me that."
Len shrugged, looking unsurprised. "She likes dogs better. But our parents refused to get one since dogs are more work. You know, daily walks, obedience training…"
"I guess they're not wrong." She paused, studying him – he had gone back to watching the kittens, and she realised just how little she actually knew about him. Sure, she had an intimate knowledge of his body, of how he best liked to be touched, of the way his eyes burned in the darkness, searing hot. But outside the bedroom?
She knew so little. Everything in her head was second-hand knowledge; they might as well be strangers. "Len." He met her gaze, and she swallowed. "Tell me more about yourself. Your likes, your dislikes, your interests. Everything. I want to know."
For a moment he looked startled, but his expression quickly softened into a smile, so beautiful that she had to glance away for a second. "All right. And I'd like to know more about you too. How about we just ask each other whatever pops to mind?"
"Okay." She idly stroked the head of her bear, thinking over her first question. "Why did you suddenly transfer to our university? Why didn't you come sooner?"
"Ah." He exhaled. "My mother needed convincing. She's always been protective, and even after I turned eighteen she still wanted to keep me close." Something about his demeanour seemed to change, though his expression remained neutral. "She was afraid that I wouldn't go back home. That I'd just stay with my father after graduation and leave her all alone." He was tapping his fingers against his knee.
She wondered if he felt suffocated, living with his mother. His voice betrayed no hint of emotion, but she had long realised that Len was a very still, calm sort of person, and for him to be fidgeting so much probably meant that he was uncomfortable.
"Sorry if this is sensitive, you don't have to answer if it is. But is there any reason you and Rin were split up this way? Like, her with your dad and you with your mum," she clarified when he raised his head, blinking at her.
She did ask Rin this question before, but she simply shrugged and said "it is what it is". Miku figured that Len might have a more detailed response.
"Oh, it's not a sensitive question. Not anymore, at least." His lips tilted up, a shadow of a smile. "My father liked Rin better, and my mother liked me. It is what it is."
"You know, Rin said the same thing. It is what it is." He chuckled, resting his fingers on his knee, and she couldn't help but stare at them. Slender, pretty fingers, the elegant hands of a pianist. "I've always wondered what it's like to be a twin."
"It's not as fun as people make it out to be." His expression turned wistful. "Not that Rin can read my mind or anything, but sometimes she just knows when I'm unhappy. Or when I'm hiding something from her. And she'll keep asking me what's wrong."
"Yeah, Rin isn't the kind to let go when she's worried about someone." Much less her twin brother who she hadn't seen in years. "Was she always like this, growing up?"
"Mm-hm. She hasn't changed that much all these years, I suppose. Though she was shyer as a kid." He laughed at the look on her face. "I'm serious. When we were young, like four or five years old, she was much less outgoing than she is now."
"What happened to her?" It was kind of peaceful, sitting here and listening to him talk. The sound of his voice washed over her, almost like a lullaby, and she rested her chin on her knees, wrapping her arms around herself.
"She discovered her love for sports." His lips curved up, this time a genuine smile. "I remember our parents decided to let her try kids' soccer because she was always kicking stuff around at home, and I swear she changed overnight."
"So she's been into sports since young. That's nice to know." It wasn't something she and Rin had talked about before. She never had to contemplate her best friend's hobbies – Rin simply liked sports, that's all there was to it.
"Yeah, and believe me, the number of times she tried to drag me to soccer practice…" Len sighed, and Miku laughed despite the dull throb in her head. She could listen to him all day, even with the nasty hangover she was going through right now.
"But don't you work out? I mean, you sure look like you do." She had seen him naked enough times to guess that he did put some effort into maintaining his physique.
"I'm okay with exercise. I'm just not a team player like Rin is." Len sounded amused, and she suddenly found it difficult to meet his gaze. "It's important to pair a healthy mind with a healthy body. Rin drilled that into my head a long, long time ago."
Why were all her friends so hung up over exercise? "Yeah, that does sound like a Rin thing to say." In fact, Rin would pull out this exact liner whenever she wanted Miku to attend a marathon or some other sports event with her.
It had been years since Rin first tried to persuade her. Miku had yet to say yes. "She told me other things too. Some of them were quite colourful," Len muttered. Then he glanced up at her, appraising. "What was your childhood like?"
She thought about how to answer him. It was such a vague question; she wasn't even sure what she could talk about. "Hm. My childhood. It was pretty normal? There's not much to say." She hesitated. "I was bullied a little though. As a kid."
"Oh." He bit his lip. "We don't have to bring that up if you don't want to remember."
"Nah, I'm past that by now." She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "I was always kind of awkward. And when I was young I hadn't grown into my frame yet, so I was skinny and tall for my age and a little…buggy-looking." She winced at the memory.
"Buggy-looking?" He seemed confused, and she pointed at herself.
"Big eyes, small face, scrawny. Kids used to compare me to a praying mantis." His face fell, and she hurried to reassure him. "You don't need to feel bad for me. After a while, I learnt how to tune them out and talk back to the more annoying bullies. Going through all that helped me toughen up too, I guess. Makes you see how stupid rumours are."
"It must have been awful." His voice was quiet. "I'm sorry you had to experience that."
She shrugged. "I've moved on." Her bear was squeezed between her stomach and her thighs, and she ran her fingers through its fur. "Were you ever bullied?"
"Not really. No one dared to mess with me in elementary school. Not that I was scary or anything, but I had my sister and the company I kept and well, the other kids knew to stay away." His smile was wry. "After that I hit puberty and I started receiving attention from girls. It got a little annoying, but I learnt to live with it."
"If you looked the way you do now in middle school, I can understand why they were all going after you," she mumbled, and he laughed, relaxing into her chair. "Puberty sure hit you like a truck, huh?"
"Mm-hm. I used to have lots of baby fat. Made me look so pudgy." He grimaced. "But I wonder sometimes. How many people would be interested in me now if I didn't look the way I did?" Suddenly, it felt like his stare was burning a hole right through her.
She wasn't sure what kind of answer he wanted. "Probably not that many? People can be pretty superficial, after all." Even her interest in him stemmed from his looks. Not that she was going to admit that. "Question - if you were annoyed by all the attention you were receiving, then how did you end up with your girlfriends?"
"Oh, they were persistent." He crossed his legs, contemplative. "That's the one thing they all had in common. I suppose I'm not the kind of person who can keep rejecting people. Rin used to call me a pushover." He sighed. "But it's not that I didn't have feelings for them. It's just – I guess I never knew what it was like to fall for someone first. At least not until now."
"Your crush?" she guessed, and he nodded, his gaze flicking momentarily away from her. She felt a little ache in her chest, still wondering who it might be. "I think falling in love is a scary thing. You never know what to expect out of it."
"Maybe that's what makes it so exciting," he murmured. "All the unknowns. And the possibility of pain and heartbreak. Everyone is a masochist to some extent." His gaze shifted. "I'm happy to see that you like the bear so much."
"Oh?" She glanced down, her fingers still entwined through fluffy white fur. "Yeah! It's so cuddly. Thanks." She smiled and it made her head pound but it was worth it to see his eyes soften, watch the gentle curve of his lips as he smiled back at her.
It occurred to her just how strange it was for them to be in an enclosed space without pouncing on each other. She couldn't even remember the last time that happened. When they were in a room and there was a bed, clothes came off – it was automatic by this point. But it was kind of…nice, just talking to Len like this.
"Do you want to sit here?" she offered, patting her mattress. It would probably make a softer seat than her chair. Len blinked, and she felt her face heat up as he stared at her. "I'm not saying we should do anything! Just…you know. Come closer."
"Ah." He hesitated. "Okay. Sure." He got up from the chair, cautiously approaching her, and she wriggled aside to make space. The mattress sank when he sat, and he held himself so gingerly that she wondered if he was even comfortable.
"Relax. I'm not going to eat you." She didn't think she could even get up right now. He still looked worried, and she exhaled, reaching out to touch his arm. "Or if you'd prefer to keep some distance between us, then –"
"It's fine." He glanced over his shoulder at her, and she noticed his fingers drumming restlessly against her blanket. "Okay. I have a question for you. Remember you told me about your ex in middle school? How you broke up after…was it a week?"
She nodded, a little embarrassed about him bringing that up. It wasn't her proudest memory. "I'm curious about that. Why did you agree to go out with him?"
"Um, I kind of just wanted a boyfriend at the time. All my friends were dating, and it was lonely doing stuff on my own, so…when he confessed, I went along with it." She rubbed her temple. "I was curious, right? Huge mistake. He was so clingy."
He laughed. "That does tend to happen when you don't feel the same way about the other person. They can sense your lack of interest, you know. And they get scared."
She huffed. "I know now. But back then I was just like, ugh. Are all relationships like this? I couldn't understand why my friends were okay with that. It felt so horrid."
"I hope you let him down easy," he said, and she wondered if she was imagining the teasing lilt in his voice. "Puppy love can be surprisingly cruel."
"Well, I did the best I could, given my knowledge and circumstances." She sniffed. "I even bought him ice cream afterwards. That seemed to cheer him up a little."
"Is that why you chose to break up with him at an ice cream parlour?" She definitely wasn't imagining the humour in his words now.
"Kind of. I knew he liked ice cream a lot, and I figured if I bribed him with it then he wouldn't try to change my mind or anything. I wanted a quick, clean break, you know?" She sighed. "He was a nice guy. I just didn't feel anything for him. Though I eventually got my payback for stringing him along."
"Your payback?" She stiffened – she hadn't meant to say that. The words just slipped out so naturally. And he looked so much like Rin, who knew almost everything there was to know about her. It was too easy to blurt out things she'd rather keep secret.
"No, it's nothing." He frowned, but before he could say anything she leant in, pressing a finger against his lips. "Don't think about it."
"Miku…" She cut him off, her hands reaching out to cup his face. His eyes widened as she turned him towards her, their mouths meeting – his hands finally slid up her waist, and she wrapped herself around him, hoping he'd forget about her mistake.