A/N: I hope you all are still enjoying the story! Reviews are sooo appreciated
Possible trigger warning from further assault details!
Olivia couldn't feel her legs as they lay open, lax against the comforter. She felt Elliot's lips make their way up her body taking his time before his lips reached hers again. She could taste herself against his as he played with her lips gently. His body wasn't touching hers aside form his lips, and though she thought after that powerful orgasm she'd be slack and unable to continue, her body began to react to him yet again. She felt the need to move and began to wrap her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. He moaned slightly into her mouth as her fingers tugged at his neck begging for more pressure. She slid one hand down from his neck to trace his spine, she could only just reach his lower back but she pushed hard enough to cause his kneeling form to fall against her. His mouth opened immediately letting out a loud groan at the sudden contact. His dick was pressing right against her wet sex, perfectly in line without ever meaning to be. Olivia finally could feel her legs again and flexed them twice before she found the strength to wind them around his waist, opening herself up for him more. She could feel him holding back his need, trying to put some space between them, but Olivia wanted more contact not less. She used the leverage and the muscles in her thighs to pull herself up trying to guide him into her. He pulled back from their deep kiss sitting up slightly, though still connected by her locked embrace at his waist.
Elliot's eyes met hers and she looked at him with confusion, why was he pulling back? "Liv, I want to, more than you know, but we only just started to get to know each other again. I don't want you to run after this." She shook her head; with how she was feeling right now she didn't want to run anywhere but right into his arms.
"I want this," She moaned slightly, shifting against him causing him to slip slightly between her folds. Elliot moaned dropping his forehead against hers. His resolve dwindling with each pass of her wet folds against his dick, "I want you." She added breathily, his eyes slipped closed trying to find his reasons for wanting to slow it down. She pushed herself up against him again causing him to press gently at her entrance.
"Liv, baby please. You have to stop."
"El…" She wined against him, still trying to make more contact. "I won't run."
He pulled back looking skeptically at her, "You haven't changed that much Benson." He smiled down at her and just like that he was moving off her. As much as his body was screaming at him to continue, he knew the only way he was going to keep her in his life would be to not rush anything. They'd already gone way further than he'd intended to go tonight and he knew she would be over analyzing every little move they made when she went home. He rolled off her, but lay immediately next to her not breaking their touch completely. His dick strained against her hip from the side as he lay facing her with her staring at the ceiling.
Olivia couldn't believe this man. First he makes her feel things she's never felt, experience possibly the best orgasm of her life, then decides seconds from penetration that they're going to abstain. Of course she should've expected that from the choirboy. She felt him slide off her, rolling to his side, still touching, but no longer intimately. She stared at the ceiling trying to rationalize why he was right to stop, but unable to stop the screaming of her body. Finally she looked over at him, he seemed to be deep in thought memorizing every inch of her body that was laid out on display for him. His eyes trailed down her neck over each breast, down her stomach to the junction of her thighs. His fingers itched to trace the path of his eyes, but he was unable to knowing if he laid his fingers against her skin again he wouldn't stop there. He took in her long legs, still bent outwardly from accommodating the side of his body wedged between them. He noted her light pink polish on her toes that he'd noticed the first night he laid eyes on her. He had noticed her manicures in the past, but they were always professional and clean as just a clear coat of polish was painted over the nails. He figured now that she was the boss she could decide proper dress code and began to venture into colorful polishes, though still muted tones. He looked back up to her face to see her studying his expression. He leaned forward placing a quick peck on her lips as he began to pull away from her to create space and hopefully lessen the pain of his erection that pushed against the soft flesh of her hip. She grabbed hold of his shoulder stopping his motion and turned to mirror his body, leaving only millimeters of space between their bodies. She leaned forward kissing him deeper this time, but only touching his shoulder. He moaned trying to break the kiss while simultaneously increase the ferocity. He felt her smile against his lips, it seemed she was trying to apply her special brand of torture. 'Sure,' Olivia thought, 'I can wait, but I'm going to make damn sure he knows what he's missing out on.' She pulled back again breaking mid kiss, before smiling at him with a twinkle in her eye.
"You trying to kill me?" He asked out of breath.
"Maybe just make sure you know what you're missing out on." She replied smiling over at him with a slight chuckle.
"Oh believe me," he dragged his eyes down her body exaggerating his point, "I know. And my body is going to continue to remind me." As if to prove his point his dick bumped her stomach as it fought to find the warmth her body housed. She laughed again and rolled onto her back, causing his eyes to meet her chest yet again. The groan escaped his lips before he could stop it and he too rolled grabbing a pillow and throwing it over his eyes. He tried to think of baseball stats, of Munch in a dress, anything to alleviate the painful erection he was sporting. Olivia laughed again seeing him trying to ignore her naked state.
"Can you please put on some clothes at least?" He shouted into the pillow. His muffled request reached her ears causing her to chuckle again.
She reached for the pillow pulling it from over his eyes as she knelt next to him on the bed, "Fine!" She leaned over from the side, "But I don't have to like it!" She knew this vantage point was giving him a nice view of her breasts again. He tried to put the pillow back over his face to block the vision, but she threw it across the room before getting up from the bed, his eyes following her every movement. She grabbed her underwear first and slowly pulled it up over her legs slowly, giving him an almost reverse strip tease. She cringed at the feeling of the wet lace sliding across her still aroused sex. She reached for her pants and pulled them on as well adding, "If I have to get dressed so do you," as she headed for the living room to find her bra and blouse. Elliot trailed behind her finding his own clothes on the floor of the living room. As much as Olivia hated that they weren't going to finish the job tonight, she did agree with his logic. He'd only just reentered her life and as much as her body wanted to learn him, her mind needed to still fully grasp the facts of his sudden arrival.
He glanced at the clock on the stove fully expecting it to be well into the night, but thankfully it was just past 7:40. "So, I guess now would be as good a time as any to eat?" She was just turning her blouse back the correct way as he looked over. The things that woman could do to his mind… he hadn't really taken in her in just her bra, and seeing her chest threatening to spill over the edges of the cups of lace that matched her panties was enough to send him back to stage one. His mouth went dry looking at her, and she smirked at the obvious arousal on his face.
"You sure you don't just want to pick up where we left off?" He groaned, turning back to his wad of clothes and returned to getting dressed, ignoring her question. He took a few deep breaths while trying to shove his engorged dick back into his briefs, rather uncomfortably. He heard her laughter float across the room, he was pretty sure he'd heard her laugh more in the last week than he had during their entire partnership. The thought crossed his mind that maybe the Olivia he had known needed him to leave in order to find joy and happiness she now had in her life. He knew, even back then, that he held her back from finding her true potential. While him leaving hadn't been his choice necessarily, or have anything to do with releasing her, he figured maybe subconsciously he wanted her to move past him and find her own life. He had dragged her along for years, scaring off every man that'd come her way to keep her for himself. He was territorial with her and it wasn't fair when he had a family to go home to, though now that he'd found himself back with her he knew part of the territorial aspect of his relationship with her was due to his all consuming love for her.
Elliot looked lost in thought from the other side of the room; he'd only just pulled his pants up, still shirtless, as he stood holding the edges of his pants seemingly unable to tear himself from his thought to button them. He didn't move when she crossed the room coming up to his back, he hadn't heard her footsteps but he suddenly felt the heat of her body against his back. Olivia's hands slid up his back over his shoulders before she leaned in, placing a kiss along the thick muscle she found there. He nearly jumped at the contact, not expecting it. It seemed to be that they had completely swapped roles, here she was initiating comforting contact and as he stood overthinking their entire relationship. "What're you thinking about?" She mumbled against the back of his neck, causing goose bumps to breakout along his shoulders and arms. As much as Olivia expected herself to freak out after the encounter they'd just had, whether it be from the type of contact or simply from being intimate with Elliot, she was sure in her decisions tonight. She had loved him for as long as she could remember and he was now back and single. Single. That was a phrase she'd never used to describe Elliot, he was always attached, even she found out he was dating he'd still only been separated.
He turned causing her arms to slide around to the back of his neck, intertwining her fingers while his hands slipped to her newly clothed lower back. He leaned forward pulling her into a hug as he buried his face in her neck taking a deep breath of her fragrance. "I just hope I'm not making a mistake coming back into your life…" She pulled back, shocked by his bluntness.
"If you're planning on disappearing again, the time to tell me has long since passed." He could feel the tinge of anger in her voice, and he flinched at it. He could feel her knuckles flex against the back of his neck.
"No Liv, I don't think I ever will have the strength to leave you again. I'm just thinking, wondering really, if I made the right choice bulldozing back into your life." He sighed against the skin of her neck, causing her hairs to stand on end. He could feel the tension in her shoulders that he'd created by mentioning this line of dialogue. "I can see you've built a family, a life, you're in charge of a squad, you have had relationships- long term relationships- without me and I'm here for less than a week and we're falling into bed together and I don't want to cause you to lose any of it."
Olivia could see his worry; she understood what he was tap dancing around. When she was his partner she would drop anything to be at his side, boyfriend, friend, it didn't matter. She had been completely devoted to him and they were just friends, not lovers back then. What he didn't realize yet was that while he was absent from her life she learned what was truly important; she'd learned to manage her personal and professional lives nearly perfectly. He'd missed her grow into a strong woman who, while still independent, was also able to trust and rely on a man without sacrificing herself. Ed had been the man that truly showed her what it was like to have an equal partner. He worked with her closely at work at times and they were able to maintain a professional work relationship while remaining in a healthy romantic relationship.
"El, as much as I appreciate your concern, I meant what I said before about making room for you. I want to be with you in this way, but I also know my boundaries and limits in my personal and professional life. I don't need you to take care of me or make decisions for me. You made a big decision for me by leaving without a word, and while I understand it, it's not yours to make anymore. If I don't or didn't want you back in my life I would tell you." He pulled back looking into her eyes, seeing the sincerity held there. He was grateful for this woman in front of him, the woman she had become. He used to be amazed with her strength before, but the strength was rarely applied to their relationship. She never needed him, but she craved his support and would rely on him when she didn't necessarily need to. He wasn't used to seeing her use her strength on him, and it was a little unnerving to be the one needing her so deeply. He was hit by the feeling that it really could be her this time that could cut all ties with him. This time around he was the one that craved her presence, craved her attention, she had the family and the time she had to split between him, work, and a child.
As if on queue, her stomach growled loudly against his abdomen. He chuckled, "I guess I have to feed you if I want to keep you around then, huh?" She laughed as well pulling away from him as he went back to buttoning his pants. He stayed shirtless while looking for his cell, finally finding it he passed it to her, "Here, pick what you want to eat and I'll order it." She saw the extensive apps surrounding food delivery on his device and selected the icon she knew well and began to look at the options. After Noah, she'd become something of a cook feeling the need to learn, in order to provide him with nutritious food that didn't cost her an arm and a leg every time he needed to eat. Of course that's when all the delivery apps became popular and she was rather jealous of all those thirty-something year olds who were now given the luxury of delivery from anywhere in the city. Each time she saw his life parallel hers during her solo years it made her heart ache for him. Elliot pulled on the undershirt he'd been wearing, foregoing the torn button down.
"Have you gotten over your aversion to raw fish yet?" She joked; poking fun at the time it had saved his life, literally.
Elliot made a face at the thought, but while he was in Cuba he'd become accustomed to seafood, though it was always cooked. He figured with Olivia he'd have to start trying new things to keep up with her. He might as well start tonight, "For you, I'll try it." She gave him a triumphant look. All the steps he was taking were further solidifying her decision to give this a real go with him. The Elliot she knew would have laughed in her face at the suggestion, never trying new things was one thing she detested about him. Even when she was his partner, she tended to be more adventurous than him, but once he left she was no longer held back to only eating subs or burgers during shift to accommodate his picky habits. She began trying new foods particularly during her shifts thanks to the new apps, ordering ethnic food trying all the different flavors of NYC. She also felt too close to Elliot when she ordered from their favorite sub or burger joint. Fin had even started expanding his pallet especially in the last five years since Ken was more consistently in his life, earning him some extra points when he would recommend a new Mongolian restaurant to Ken.
She picked several rolls that were middle of the road, that wouldn't gross him out or cause him to gag. She then selected her absolute favorite roll, the rainbow roll that had varying types of raw fish, eel, and roe changing from piece to piece making it look beautiful. "I got a few that you'll like, they're ones Noah has always been able to stomach and I got the one that I like the best. You have to promise to try each one okay? One bite!" She talked to him in the same voice she did to Noah when he was being picky. He laughed at her obvious 'mommy' voice.
"Okay fine but if I puke that's on you!" He snatched the phone from her, before she could argue about paying, and ordered the food.
Olivia watched his muscles flexing as he moved under the tight undershirt. She made her way back to his couch where their make out session had begun and took a seat, waiting for him to join her. He came and sat at the opposite end, obviously trying to make space between them so as to not tempt them any more than necessary.
"So how's training been?" Olivia drifted towards a very safe subject, trying to quench the remaining desire in her lower belly, though with Elliot she wasn't sure it ever would go away.
Elliot went on to describe his day-to-day work schedule coupled with the in-depth training. "I'm just mostly surprised at how different everything is. Ten years in and out of undercover definitely makes for some catching up."
"It'll be nice to have you back at SVU next week, it'll be weird, but nice." She smiled over at him and his fingers grasped hers from across the couch.
"Yeah it will be. I can't wait to formally meet everyone, but I don't know how much I'll really learn if you're there all day." He leaned towards her moving to the middle cushion of the couch, "I won't be able to stop thinking about you naked against my mouth." Her face flushed, she'd always imagined he'd be pretty vanilla in the bedroom, and dirty talk was never on her radar for Elliot.
Olivia upped the ante, just brushing their lips, "Well maybe you'll need to bend me over the table in the interrogation room and teach me a lesson instead." She didn't know where it came from, but she was happy her confidence didn't waver just because it was Elliot she was talking to. He visibly reacted; the muscles on his face twitched much like they did when he was holding back from punching a perp. She was enjoying cataloguing all of Elliot's faces of arousal, they ranged and there was some overlap of which faces she'd absolutely seen before. The thought made her wonder if he had been turned on all those years ago alone in the locker rooms, his face had twitched just the same when she thought he was simply holding back from punching something, maybe he was holding back from taking here against a locker. A deep moan escaped Elliot's lips before he drew her towards him closing his lips over hers. A loud knock at the door and a groan of frustration broke the kiss, but resulted in a large bag of sushi arriving at his front door.
Olivia unboxed all the containers while Elliot grabbed fresh beers for them and plates. "Oh my God I can smell it from here. I don't think I can do this Liv." He pretended to gag from the kitchen.
"Okay, who are you? My nine year old son?" She laid out the chopsticks and the dipping sauces she'd ordered along with the individual rolls. Elliot returned, his face grimacing at the sight of raw fish on top of rice. She was seated crisscross on the floor in front of his coffee table and he slid down to join her sitting on her left side. He cracked the beers and placed one in front of her before chugging half his in one swig.
"Definitely going to need some alcohol to get through this meal." She laughed breaking her own chopsticks and rubbing them together in her hands.
"Okay what are you doing?"
"You've never eaten with chopsticks before?" She half laughed.
"No, I always request a fork like a normal person!" She handed him the prepped sticks before cracking open the others. She took hold of his fingers delicately showing him how to grasp the wood and moving his fingers for him.
"There," she smiled at him watching his fingers try to work while holding them, "you're a natural."
Olivia went to work, mixing wasabi in her soy sauce before picking up the first section of her rainbow roll, dipping it in spicy mayo then the soy sauce. She raised the bite to her lips before closing her mouth around the piece. Elliot watched in fascination as she conducted her little system for eating the foreign food, he watched her plump lips open to accommodate the large bite. She took the whole piece in her mouth, chewing the large amount of food once before sucking at the sticks removing the last grains of rice. He couldn't imagine watching someone eat could turn him on, yet here he sat nearly hard again. She looked over at his wanton stare, "What?" she choked out, mouth still full of her favorite meal.
Elliot tried to ignore it, the feeling he was getting, going back to try and remember how and in what order she dipped the piece. He attempted to grab hold of the piece of the roll, the one that looked the least intimidating. He could get the piece separated form the rest of the roll, but the chopsticks kept slipping together and he felt like a moron trying to grab the piece. Olivia watched as he fumbled with the roll and laughed at the thought of Elliot watching Noah show him up. Noah grew up eating with chopsticks since she had become more adventurous so he was a pro, even better than her at this point. She pushed his hand back from the roll, and took the piece following her same procedure but this time bringing it up towards his lips. Olivia watched as his mouth opened to accept the bite, she slit the bite to the back of his mouth before his lips closed around the stick and the roll. She pulled them to remove them and watched as the powerful muscles in his jaw worked to chew the large piece. She was getting wet watching his mouth and lips work. He was staring into her eyes, his lids heavy as he swallowed. It definitely wasn't as bad as he thought it would be, and the crunch was unexpected but nice. He could see she was taking him in the same way he had her, and having Olivia feed him was suddenly a turn on.
"Just so we're clear, if you want me to eat sushi in the future, it's mandatory that you feed me." Elliot joked, breaking the sudden sexual tension. She laughed reaching for another bite of her own roll. They went back and forth, her trying to teach him how to use chopsticks and him clumsily, as if on purpose, failing just to have her feed him another bite. Olivia finished her roll quickly, saving one piece for Elliot to try and picked through his a bit. He was not looking forward to the bite she'd saved him, but if she fed it to him he would choke it down.
She pulled the final piece of her sushi from its resting position watching Elliot's eyes squint trying to get past the dotted roe across the top. "What's even in this one?" he grimaced.
"Just eat it then I'll tell you!" She used this tactic with Noah since if she said the word eel, fish eggs, or squid she'd never have convinced Noah to try any of the sushi she liked.
"That bad huh?" Elliot reluctantly opened his lips accepting the bite with his eyes closed. He chewed a couple times before opening his eyes to see her anticipation. He smiled at her then, "Okay its not that bad. What's in it Benson?"
She laughed, "Okay, that piece just had eel, roe and squid, but it's tempura so it's crunchy."
Elliot nearly choked, "You just fed me eel? And what the hell is roe?" He exclaimed loudly causing Olivia to laugh even harder.
"Fish eggs, and you're the one that said it wasn't bad!" He snatched her beer from the table having already finished his and exaggerated gargling with it before swallowing the remainder. Just then Olivia's phone dinged with a message.
'Just checking in before Noah goes to bed! Mind if he calls you?' Lucy wrote.
She smiled at the message, she loved being there to put him to bed and very rarely missed the chance to tell him goodnight. "Noah's headed to bed, mind if I call him real quick?"
"Of course not! I'll clean up while you talk, you can use my bedroom." She smiled at him gathering her phone before heading to his room. She didn't bother closing the door and sat in the singular chair on the far side of the room.
She had a quick conversation with Noah assuring him she'd be home when he woke up and that she missed and loved him. Elliot could hear bits and pieces of her conversation from the kitchen as he cracked another beer for himself before returning to the couch to wait for her return. His mind began to wander to her body again, he had tried to cover the pain he felt when he saw the damage that bastard had done to her, but sitting here in the quite was making it difficult to push away. He had seen the images of her after the ordeal, but nothing would have done justice for what he saw when she was stripped naked. He knew she'd been held for days and he attempted to piece together the timeline of events. He'd seen the keys and coat hanger on the stove in her apartment, and he figured they didn't stay there too long indicating she'd been burned the first day. That meant she'd had second or third degree burns, untreated, for days before she was found. He'd had his share of kitchen accidents that resulted in burns and to imagine that across his whole leg, rubbing in pants and being manhandled made his jaw lock. The key was what really drove him to take another long drink, he could see the impression so clearly he was able to recognize where the key opened, he could picture the key that sat in his hand multiple times with the knowledge he'd never use it again. He was then flashing to the thought of her having to heal all of these cuts and burns. Did Cassidy have to help her change her bandages or did she have to do it alone? If he were there he would've done it for her, though he knew she probably wouldn't have let him. Those fleeting seconds picturing Cassidy with her caused his shoulders to tense further. He heard the floorboards creek signaling she was returning to the room and he tried to unknot the tension he'd just created with his own mind.
"How was he?" He asked trying to clear the flem in his throat.
"Great!" She cheerfully replied; talking to Noah was as good as any drug. He always made the world seem less grey, "He was just telling me what he and Lucy did and was making me promise to be home before he woke up."
"He sounds awesome, Liv. I can't wait to meet him." Olivia could hear and edge to his voice immediately; she couldn't believe how different he was. She used to be the over thinker and he was the rational one, now every time she left him alone with his thoughts she was finding herself having to talk him down.
She sat immediately next to him on the sofa, taking the beer fresh beer from his fingers and taking a sip, "Okay Stabler, spill it." Cocking one eyebrow she looked at his expression, obviously caught off guard by her change of pace, "What're you thinking about now?"
"Nothing, Liv, it's nothing." He tried to shake it off, but he wanted to know her side of what happened. He had only read one article about her ordeal and it hadn't had all the details as he could tell from her PTSD. He wanted to ask her five hundred questions, but he also knew it wasn't his right to know either. He didn't want to further trigger or traumatize her.
"You wanted to know what he used on my leg didn't you?" His eyes shot to hers, shock and pain evident. How was she able to read him so well? "I saw you looking at it a little too long in the bedroom. I would've done the same thing, it's hard not to when you're literally trained to notice and think about how wounds are made, El."
He took another deep drink, unsure if he was really ready to hear the details of her assault. It still didn't feel real, like if she said it from her mouth it would make it actually true. "You don't have to tell me, Liv. I just was thinking about everything. I'm sorry I didn't mean to bring it up."
"I know you too well, El. I knew you'd want to piece together all the evidence as soon as I saw you. I honestly was surprised you hadn't pulled the file on me." He shook his head again, the thought of looking at her crime scene photos, evidence from her rape kit, he could never.
"I could never." He whispered. She took his hands in hers drawing his focus to her face again.
"It's okay, El. I'm okay."
"Shouldn't that be my line?" He half-heartedly laughed.
"I've been dealing with the trauma for seven years, you just found out about it." Her rationality was throwing him for a loop. She had such a level head when it came to her entire ordeal and he seemed to be the one spiraling, "Plus to have the images of me with my scars, I'm sure that was difficult too. I have to look at them everyday and sometimes if I look too long they make me sick. I've learned to deal with it though and learned when to and not to look at them. Noah has helped with that too because he says they're my battle scars." He smiled thinking of her son's innocence, but also imagining her having to explain the scars to the young boy. He figured she probably didn't have to for a long time, but his curiosity most likely got the best of him one day and he brought it up innocently.
Olivia had finally made the school routine consistent enough while balancing work that they both got to shower at night. Noah had just turned 7 and he was busy playing with his cars in her bedroom while she took a quick shower. She always left the bathroom door cracked and the bedroom door closed so he was within shouting distance. On this particular night he was running in and out of the bathroom while she showered bringing his cars to drive along side the bathtub on the opposite side of the curtain from her. She could see his shadow through the curtain as he crashed and banged against the porcelain. Just as she began to rinse the soap from her eyes there was a cold draft that hit her front.
"What're those from?" She was blinded with soap and immediately felt Noah's tiny hand pressing into the key burn at her hip. Olivia had been expecting him to notice her arm burns, maybe the burns on the outer side of her breast, but for him to see all of them, especially the one shaped like they keys he always insists on holding nearly made her faint. She had always been careful to not be naked around Noah for that exact reason, if she was it was only for a brief second as she dropped a towel to put on underwear. She quickly turned into the spray washing the soap from her eyes.
"Baby, it's not nice to go in the shower when someone else is in here." She could see his confusion, as she still had to help him wash his hair on occasion.
"Is it a tattoo?" He pressed trying to see it again as she closed the curtain on him before quickly rinsing the rest of the shampoo from her hair. When she cut off the water she grabbed the towel and pulled it around herself before opening the curtain again. "Mikey's big brother has a bunch of tattoos but they're all black. Mikey says he's going to get them when he's older too, because you have to be a grown up to get them. He said his mommy said a bad word when his brother came home with a tattoo." Olivia couldn't help but laugh at his innocence. She considered just agreeing with him so he wouldn't ask anymore questions, but she'd gone over this situation in therapy.
"Noah, buddy, you know how mommy puts away the bad guys?" He nodded enthusiastically, "Well before you were born a bad guy hurt me before I could put him in jail." Noah looked concerned but nodded again, "He hurt me and it left me with the scar you saw." She didn't want to show him all her scars or have him see them when he looked at her if he hadn't noticed them before.
"Why did it look like that though?" She could tell he was still confused.
"He- it was a key. You know when I yell at you for not touching the stove or the pan? It was like that. It was just a really hot key and it burned me. But burns don't always heal well so it cause the scar."
Noah smiled all of a sudden, shocking Olivia a little bit before he whispered in a deep voice, "battle scars." She recalled the line from one of the LEGO movies he'd been obsessed with. One of the guys got his arm ripped off and he kept saying the line over and over again.
Leave it to Noah to make her laugh at such a serious talk, she grabbed him, pulling him against her towel-covered chest, "Yeah buddy, battle scars."
Olivia smiled at the memory, she'd caught him eyeing her long scar down her leg when they'd gone to the beach, but had never asked her a question about it. She wondered if he'd just assume it was from the same incident or if he'd wait to catch her off guard again to bring it up. Elliot could see the smile playing at her lips and for that he was glad; she was able to smile because of Noah. "I know you said you'd been in therapy for all of it…" He trailed off not sure how to broach the question, "How well have you dealt with all of it?"
She was confused at his question, "What do you mean?"
"I mean like… If I were to ask you a question, would it trigger you?" She was touched by his concern, and she still sometimes had flash backs, but they hadn't happened from questions or words in a long time. She typically was only triggered by her dreams (about once every couple weeks now), a smell (about every month), or someone touching her (only once in the recent past).
"You can ask me a question, El."
"Did he rape you?" He blurted the question before he could think better of it. He should've started with something mild, something passive she could've then worked her way to telling him what truly happened. But that question had been sitting at the forefront of his mind since reading the article. He'd believed what the article said, that Olivia had adamantly refused that any penetration had taken place, but he also knew she'd never want anyone to know if it had.
This too had been a tough subject for her to deal with. While Olivia hadn't necessarily felt like she'd had intercourse, she was sore down there. She had a lot of bruising and bleeding, but her pants from what she could tell remained on. She'd been so out of it that it was still possible he removed her pants while she was out and redressed her, but that wouldn't be something Lewis would do. He'd want her awake, screaming, and to know full well he'd raped her.
"Um, well" Elliot gripped her fingers tighter.
"You don't have to tell me, I'm sorry Liv I shouldn't have asked you that that was out of line I just –"
"The best I can do is I don't know." She sighed unable to look directly in his eyes, settling her gaze around his chin. "I don't think so. I was still dressed for the most part every time I came to, but I was out for hours at a time and I had heavy bruising and bleeding down there. They didn't find anything other than that on the rape kit, but it's still possible." Elliot's eyes were welling with unshed tears. He didn't know whether it was better to know or not to know, "I got tested for everything obviously just in case and nothing popped. Plus, Lewis's MO was humiliation and torment so if he'd raped me I think he would've just left me naked, and he liked a fight. If you stopped fighting he'd lose interest." His breathing hitched that she'd actually stopped fighting at some point. She read his mind as she continued, "I fought the whole time when he had me the first time, I tried to bait him and get him to just kill me" She scoffed at her own admission, surprised Elliot was even still conscious, "But that only excited him more. When he had me the second time he tied me to a table and spread my legs. When he went to take off my pants I held perfectly still. Every nerve in my body was screaming to fight him off, but I knew he'd enjoy that so I took the fun out of it for him. That's when he moved on to Russian Roulette." She cringed at the memory of pushing the end of a loaded gun to her temple. Elliot pulled her towards him, unable to deal with not touching more of her body to reassure himself she wasn't dead. He closed his eyes trying to not think about her cold body laying on one of Warner's tables.
"I know I keep saying it, Liv," His fingers curled in her hair bringing her head against his chin. Her arms wound around his torso as he laid back pulling her to be laying protectively against his chest. "I'm just so sorry." He trailed off again laying a gentle kiss against the crown of her head. Olivia buried her face against his chest, thankful for the lack of eye contact as she remembered those terrifying moments. Her mind was playing on a loop the time chained to the bed, him cutting open her pants. She had known, in that moment, that she was better off dead. She could feel words leaving her throat, but she was unaware of the content.
"We were at the beach house. I was so out of it when he got me out of the trunk I was just along for the ride. I was handcuffed, I think my wrist was already broken, or it must've been because it was so swollen the cuff was digging into the skin around it. My arms were behind my back and he threw me down on the bed, I think it might've caused a worse break, just that little motion. Then he made me beg to use the bathroom, ask for his help, I was so humiliated and he was hard against me. He had to ditch the car, he put my arms above my head chained together with my cuffs, and he had duck tape around my thighs. knew when he came back it'd be it. He had such a consistent MO, I knew if I didn't get out right then he was going to rape me, for hours, torture me and then kill me. He'd already had me so long, I was so thirsty and so weak I was still drunk and high on pills he forced me to take but I used every bit of strength I had to try and move the bed, get the bed across the room somehow. I wasn't sure what I was going to do but I had to do something." Elliot could tell she was unloading now, decompensating the trauma, trying to release the valve that'd built pressure since the moment she shut down in the bedroom. He should've let her process the night before asking the question that had kept him up since he found out about her. He shouldn't have brought it up at all. He should've waited for her to bring it up and confide in him. He could feel her tremors that he was sure she was unaware of. Her voice began to shake and he could feel the tense muscles in her back. He tried to pull back, to catch her eye, to bring her to the present, but they were screwed shut and she was clinging tightly to his chest.
"He came back though, I'd only made it halfway across the room and he threw me on the bed. He dislocated my shoulder then, I think, because of how roughly he threw me. He tried to grab me by the wrists and pull me but ended up having to throw my legs. I couldn't breathe, I was still gagged. I was trying so hard to act like none of it hurt. I knew he liked to see me in pain, but I almost think he liked it more when I would try and hold it back. It made it more fun for him when I did let a scream or a whimper, like he'd achieved something." Elliot was freely allowing the tears to roll, they crashed around his temple surely soaking the arm of the couch behind him. He clung to her, trying to remove all the pain she was yet again experiencing relaying the torture. "He finally took off the tape over my mouth," Her fingers uncurled from Elliot's undershirt and ran over her lips. She could still taste the adhesive that remained on her lips for days after the attack. "And he went through how he was going to rape me. He told me he was going to tie my arms to each corner, my legs to the other corners. He was looking for scissors, he asked if I wanted my clothes burned off or cut off. I guess I should be thankful he chose cutting. But that's how my big scar happened. He used a can opener and the whole time he asked me who I was thinking about. Who I wished I could see, just one more time." Elliot tightened his grip on her even more, he already knew. He knew it was him. She didn't have anyone else, not even Cassidy would matter at that moment. He knew because it would've been the same for him.
He didn't want her to say it, "Liv" he pleaded, he couldn't hear more. Not more. He knew he deserved to feel the torture he went through, he'd been the one to ask, but he needed her to stop. The pain in his chest was excruciating.
"It was you." She was silent for a long moment, only their heavy breathing could be heard. She took a moment to collect her thoughts before she continued. "I tried to bait him then. I moved on to the interrogation tactics we used to use. I told him I knew how to get him off. I was trying to get in his mind, all I could think was I wanted to live. He used that against me in court. But then he put the gun in my mouth, he made me beg for my life." Elliot was violently sobbing now, silently. He shook against her tense form and if she'd been conscious of her words or her place in space at the moment she would've stopped talking and said something else to him, but she merely existed, living within the vivid flashback. "He used that as momentum to start undoing my pants, but the cleaning lady showed up with her daughter and interrupted him. I tried to scream, but she didn't hear me. He made them come inside and held them captive. I could hear him talking to them and I used every bit of strength I had and I kicked and kicked at the bed frame. The bar my arms were chained to was rusty, but I had to use my broken wrist to pull and it was so excruciating I was on the verge of passing out. I heard him talk to a little girl and I knew I had to get out. I couldn't let him hurt the little girl." Elliot could imagine Olivia, on the verge of giving up completely, at the cost of her own health; use her broken wrist to break free to save an innocent life. He never would've thought anything different from her. "He came and told me that he was going to have to hurry, that little Louisa was so sweet, and I started baiting him again. I wanted him to lose his balance and come at me half cocked, he had me four days and hadn't raped me, to my knowledge at least. I told him he wasn't man enough to get it up." A sad smile played at Elliot's lips. Leave it to Olivia to bait a serial rapist and murderer. "I broke the bedpost and hit him with it, I got my gun back and he started to come at me so I clocked him in the head. I checked on the maid and her little girl, I threatened her." Elliot was taken aback, threatened her? "I told her immigration was going to take her daughter if she called the police." A realization struck him, she wanted to hurt him before the police could get there. It's the same thing he would've done if it had been him. He knew how the criminal justice system worked, he knew there would never be justice for what he'd done to her, to the other people. He would've wanted him to suffer, to die at his own hand. His fists clenched against her back, if she'd have called him, if he'd have known, he would've taken care of Lewis for her. He never would've gotten out because he would've been dead in that beach house.
"I went back in the bedroom, I hadn't seen myself in the four days he'd had me." Four? He thought it was two, he wracked his brain at the notion, he had thought it was 48 hours. He must've said something out loud, she was giving him the explanation.
"No one noticed I was missing for two days, then it was two more before I got free." Just as matter of fact as her previous statement, she continued. "I saw myself in the mirror. I realized I probably just terrified the little girl and the maid. I was one massive bruise. My lip was split and swollen, I had a massive gash in my hairline and I came to realize in the hospital it went all the way back. I realized my hair was so matted from all the blood not just sweat. I could see all the rips in my clothes and the burns all over my body. I could feel my wrist was thourally broken. I tried to wake him up then. I just started talking. I wasn't sure why. I told him about what I wanted to do to him. Burn him, cut him, use the blow torch. But he'd enjoy that too much." She could feel the words leaving her lips like she was there with him now, "I want to shoot you in the head right now and watch you bleed out. Maybe that's too easy." Elliot could feel her change directly into the flash back, no longer within her own body. He could see her ridged, feel her fingers flex over the gun as if it were in her fingers now. The words that left her mouth were the ones she'd spoken verbatim that day, he lost his breath at her next words.
"My old partner, he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He…" She paused, curling around him more as Elliot did the same, "He'd kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face. Maybe I should call him." Elliot violently reacted then. She had called him so often when he first left and he'd ignored her. He knew if she'd have called then he wouldn't have answered, though it wouldn't have been his fault, it still didn't make it better. He scooped her from her place on his chest and held her like a child against him, unable to take her pain, unable to take back the years he'd missed, the pain he could've saved her from or alleviated. The movement jolted her from her flashback bringing her to the present. She knew where words had hurt him, she never meant for him to hear her deepest secretes that were kept between her and Lewis. No one had. But this was Elliot after all. He was always able to get her to say what she was thinking, no matter how deep she thought she'd buried it. She cleared her throat against her place on his neck, "He woke up. He taunted me with you." Why hold back now she thought, "He asked if you ever did me." He tensed again at her bluntness, "Then he talked about his dad, how he was so happy when he watched his dad rape his babysitter. He asked me what I wanted. I wanted a bullet between his eyes. I held the gun against his forehead. I felt the trigger against my finger, then a glint of gold." Elliot froze, "I could see the tiniest bit of light reflect off the little badge that I had put on the butt of my gun." He knew, it was his; it was the mini badge he'd sent her after he left without a word. He gripped her back, balling her blouse in his finger, sliding his hands under the edge needing to feel the comfort of her warm skin against his palm. "I could read the numbers with my eyes closed, 6313. I could remember the time you were about to shoot Ricket because you were angry, because you knew it would feel so damn good just to see their blood splatter against the wall. I remembered stopping you, shooting him in the arm, to save you from that death being on your conscious. I think you saved me, the same way I saved you, from Lewis's death on my hands. You saved me without even knowing about it. Your badge reminded me who I was at that exact second and I knew I couldn't shoot him in anger." Elliot tried to breathe through the tears but they weren't stopping and he was beginning to choke on the mucus dripping down the back of his throat. He flashed to the image of her, mouth covered in tape, choking unable to breathe. "I held it together, until he said I didn't have the balls to shoot him. After everything, I didn't have the balls." She scoffed, "I picked up that bar and I saw red. I beat him until I heard the wet sound of muscle being pulverized, until I heard his skull crack. I couldn't believe it when they told me he was still alive."
A sob escaped his throat, loud enough to draw her completely from the nightmare. Her head shot up, she seemed unaware of the effect her words were having on him. Bewilderment coated her features, she had let a few tears slide, but all in all she'd been able to keep it together that is until she saw Elliot's emotions raw on his face. She began to shake staring at the pools of tears he'd silently shed, she slowly realized how much she'd actually revealed to him, he was her justification, her savior, and he'd done nothing. He didn't have to though; he'd always been there even when it was just a figment of her imagination. All those sleepless nights, woken by nightmares, sometimes she'd pretend he'd been there with her the whole time that his body was lying there instead of Brian's. It'd unnerved her on more than a few nights post Lewis, that she could actually feel his skin beneath hers, that she could smell his familiar musk when she laid on the bathroom tiles curled next to the toilet. She imagined if he were there he would've held her hair back as she retched from looking at her reflection just a little too long. He would've sat with her when she decided feeling Lewis's fingers tangle in her hair was too much to deal with, he would've held the pieces of hair that fell from beneath her fingers as she hacked away at it with kitchen scissors. He would've told her she was beautiful when she saw the half cut mangled bob she'd given herself. Elliot never would've looked at her with shock and disgust when he had to change her bandages because she'd gone so long without changing them they'd adhered to her skin. Brian had gagged when pulling back the gauze from her long jagged cut along her calf, the puss had built up and crusted to the bandage. Olivia had laid on her couch for so long the muscle felt as if it'd atrophied, he had finally asked when was the last time she'd changed any of her dressings. She shrugged and he pulled her leg to his lap, revealing the yellow colored bandage. He'd tried to peal it back to reveal the infection, but had to leave to heave what was left of his lunch at the sight. She finally had to take care of it herself because he was unable. He'd scolded her on not taking care of herself. She couldn't imagine Elliot would ever do that to her. She could read him; she could read that he was overwhelmed by her trauma, by what she'd gone through and how severe it had been. She reached out, trying her best to not let him see how his tears had affected her, she ran her hand down the side of his wet cheek as he struggled for breath. Olivia tried to sit up, to allow him to return to a vertical position in order to let the mucus drain from his noes, but he gripped her skin tight, the skin she just realized he was touching beneath the hem of her shirt. Elliot could feel her muscles work, he felt like this was part of his penance for not being there, almost choking to death on his own saliva and tears, he deserved it. How she'd somehow made it through the torture alive, the recovery, the therapy, the retraumatization, and somehow was still here, waiting for him was beyond a mystery to him. He couldn't hold her tighter, get her closer, he never wanted to feel her slip from his fingers again. He'd been so reckless in the past, when she got too close he'd push her away. Never again. She was his and he was hers, just as they'd always been. He pulled her face close to his able to feel her breath against his lips again, able to feel her life force hovering just above him. She was alive, she would remain alive, and he would make sure of it. He pressed his lips to hers, not caring that it cut off his last source of oxygen, not caring that their salty tears were mixing together against his lips. He kissed her hard, harder than he'd ever kissed anyone, pushing every plea of 'I'm sorry', every 'I love you' that went unsaid over the last twenty years into her via their kiss.
Olivia could hear his pleas, first through his kiss then as if it were being shouted through a tunnel. She heard it muffled on her lips, then louder pushed through her mouth. "I love you." He kept repeating it against her, it was almost out of body, for both of them hearing those words finally voiced. He didn't think he was physically expelling enough air for them to be heard, but she started to pull him against her, clinging to the back of his neck as she opened herself up to him. His body slid over hers pushing her back into the opposite side of the couch, clinging to the skin of her back, repeating the words over and over again against her. She tried to pull back, tried to make space so she could join in the ill-timed confession, but he refused, sealing his mouth over hers harder. She was being pushed into the cushion of the couch, her thighs spread to accommodate his hips, wanting to seek comfort within her. She pulled him closer with her legs, sealing their bottom halves together as he had their chests. She felt like she was drowning and emerging from the water all at once. His words blanketed her in a cocoon of safety; his body heated her very soul. She could feel the tears, being shed at a slower rate now, still splashing against her cheek mixing with her own that slid down her temple disappearing into her hairline. Finally when oxygen became so necessary he was sure he was turning blue, he detached his mouth from hers to look down and see a mirror of red puffy eyes matching his own. He took in her swollen bruised lips, half open trying to take in as much air as his own.
"I love you." He whispered, making sure that she had heard him through his muffled confessions against her lips. His voice cracked, allowing a few final tears to fall against hers.
"I love you too." Relief, it was like a giant weight had been sitting on her shoulders for twenty years. She'd felt it, never voiced it, and the feeling of finally being honest with him and with herself caused a rush of air to escape her lips and land against his. Hearing her voice whisper those words, his heart felt like it was going to stop. He could feel her warmth all over him; the words reached inside him and mended every piece of himself that'd been broken. Olivia Benson loved him. He'd know, really since he met her, but really known after Gitano, that he was in love with her. He loved her in a way that was all consuming, in a way that made it hard to breathe when she wasn't there. He could sense her presence when she entered a room, and when he was thousands of miles away from her he could still feel her there, just on the cusp of his life. He could feel her nails scraping at his neck, trying to gain access to his lips again, but he wasn't ready yet. He needed to look at her, make sure this was real, that she was really beneath him confessing her love for him. Her eyelashes were sticking together; tiny flecks of mascara dotted her cheeks from where it was carried by the stream of tears. Her lips plump and bruised, sat slightly parted allowing air to pass. Streaks of salt water met her hairline, trailing down in rows to the fabric of the couch where her chestnut hair laid. He realized how much lighter the streaks through her hair were, she looked sun kissed, highlighted by a professional who had taken their time to ensure it looked natural. The light pink of her blouse reflected the rose color of her cheeks giving her a light aura around her neck and chest. He slid his hands up, pushing the flyaways from her face and held her in place as he ghosted his lips across hers again. "I love you." He repeated. The flutter was still there, he wasn't sure it would ever go away, the flutter he felt saying those words to the woman he'd dreamed of saying it to over and over again.
"I love you." She replied, those words felt foreign against her lips and she imagined she'd need some time to roll them around in her mouth before they'd feel natural. He placed a gentle kiss against her lips before she began to force it deeper. She pried his mouth open with hers, unwilling to allow him to take so long to progress their movements. She pulled him closer with her powerful thighs as he groaned against her shooting vibrations through her lips down her neck and settling in her chest. She moaned at the feeling of him hardening yet again against her core, instilling yet another moment of intimacy between them. He ground into her at the sound escaping her lips. He could feel her nipples puckering against his hard chest, he needed to feel her again, it didn't matter now what happened, he had told her he loved her and she reciprocated. His lips trailed down her cheek, tasting the dried salt there before descending to her pulse point. He took inventory of the dotted bruises his lips had previously left, and noticed they were all subpar, too small to be attributed to his mouth. He worked his way down sucking and biting gently against her skin as she fought for more contact of their pelvises. Just as he reached her clavicle she gasped, "El." The tone of her voice caught him, he jerked his head up to meet her eyes again. Her skin was flushed red, she had tears stained down her face, her makeup had long since been wiped clear of her skin. He was rushing it again, he realized quickly. He pulled himself back, "No! I wasn't saying to stop!" She quickly insisted, sitting up to match his stance.
He took a few deep breaths, running his hands roughly over his face trying to reign in his arousal again. "No we need to stop. I cant keep touching you."
"Why not?" She questioned quietly from a couple inches away, trying to maintain a stable heart rate.
"If I keep touching you tonight, I wont be able to stop. You deserve more than that." He sighed.
"I deserve you." Olivia scooted over closing the distance between them. She was getting sick of the back and forth, she knew rationally they should take their time, but her body was screaming to just seal the deal.
"We have all the time in the world." He took her hand from its place on his thigh bringing it up to his mouth kissing the back.
"I don't want to waste anymore time El, we've already lost so much."
"I know baby." He paused at the automatic use of the pet name, and she raised her eyebrow, "I feel like we've crossed so many boundaries tonight we need to save that one for once we've had some time to cool off and think." She half moaned, simply out of frustration. They'd waited so long for this moment to come and he was dragging it out even longer. He could read her frustration, and felt it just as severely, but he knew he was right. They both needed time to process and adding one more giant step to the list of steps they'd taken tonight wasn't going to help with the processing. She visibly deflated, but knew he was right to slow them down. She was very aware she would not be sleeping at all tonight as she analyzed every word they'd spoken and every line they'd crossed, "Just promise me one thing," he interrupted her thought, "You won't go home and regret anything that happened tonight."
She smiled at him, at his honesty and his knowledge of her past relationships. He knew her well enough to know she'd be going over each piece of the night, but she knew regret would never be a phrase that crossed her mind. "I won't." He ran his thumb over the back of her hand lovingly. She stood, she knew it was time for her to get going or she'd never be able to leave him. He followed and walked towards the door with her, grabbing both their coats wordlessly. "I can take a cab." She stated half-heartedly stated, not quite ready to be without him yet. He chuckled as if it were the most ridiculous statement she'd ever made and grabbed his keys off the entryway table before opening the door for her. She walked slightly ahead of him until they got to the elevator where, after pressing the down arrow, he grabbed hold of her hand intertwining their fingers. Warmth shot up her arm at the feel of his hand in hers yet again, she didn't think she'd ever get used to the sight of his thick fingers intertwined with hers. Elliot could feel the metal of her thin ring against his finger as he ran his thumb against the skin of her palm. The feel of her delicate hand in his made his heart flutter again. The elevator arrived and they boarded, standing close absorbing each other's body heat as they rode down to the ground level of his building.
They arrived at her building without any need for further words, his fingers were still dancing over her palm sweeping at the lines he felt from time to time. The reassurance of their continued contact solidified when he walked her up the steps without asking permission. They arrived outside her door, his breath caught in his throat of having to remove himself from her presence again, he could hear the sound of her TV on from the other side of the door. It was past 10 and he knew it had to be the babysitter who was watching over Noah enjoying some quite before Olivia arrived home. She leaned against the doorframe smiling up at him, they were both surprised at the ease with which they fell into the mode of being in a relationship, if that's what this was.
"Well, this is me." She joked as if he didn't already have the map of her home memorized. He smiled down at her, leaning on the same inch of space she was just slightly above her head. Her eyes found his as he leaned towards her, meshing his lips with hers. It'd been far too long since they'd kissed, only a car ride and he was already starved for her mouth. How he was going to go the entire night and next day without her was beyond his comprehension. Their tongues touched before either realized and Elliot was pushing her up against the outside of her closed door. He could feel her arousal beneath her open blazer, and his was pressing into the side of her hip. The clearing of the throat from the neighbor just down the hall finally caused them to reluctantly break apart. Olivia mumbled an apology to the old lady who was standing with her door cracked, before finally retreating back inside. Olivia dropped her forehead against Elliot's chin in embarrassment and she could feel Elliot's chuckle vibrate against her temple.
"I guess I should get going before I make this harder than necessary." Olivia raised her eyebrow at the obvious double entendre and his laughter continued. "I love you." He whispered against her lips again. She loved the feeling his mouth made when his lips just skimmed hers while confessing his love for her.
"I love you." She parroted back to him as she pecked him two more times before finally resigning to turn her back towards him. He removed the space between them, but waited until her door was unlocked before he moved to turn towards the elevator.
"El." Her voice stopped him, her fingers rested where they'd just turned the handle but hadn't yet opened the door. "Text me when you get home safely please."