Title: The Brief Time That It Lasts
Author: worldwnomirrors
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC17

Summary: AU: Callie gets to know Arizona only to learn that she has a very destructive behavior. Can she help Arizona, can she even get her to open up, or will she have to stand by and watch as Arizona's pain slowly destroys her? And if she can't bare to stand by and watch, what are Callie's other options?

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains, deals with and/or mentions sex, self destructive behavior and suicide.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters belong to Shonda Rhimes and ABC.

AN: I have been trying to get this up for hours! I am hating LJ with the intensity of a thousand burning suns right now. When I pasted the story into LJ, it looked super weird. So I pasted it into the HTML thingy instead, but then when I saved it, there were these gigantic ass gaps between the paragraphs so I had to erase them manually which took forever. Has anyone else had this problem or knows what I can do to avoid it next time I post something?

CHAPTER ELEVEN
Final Step

-Arizona-

I tried to focus on Callie's warm body pressed up flush against me, an arm around my shoulders and a hand gently stroking up and down my thigh. But it was hard. I was so nervous, almost to the point that I could have just hung up the phone and not called at all.

The times that I had talked to my mother or my father after I had moved were few and they weren't times that I wanted to remember. I hadn't met them in person in two years and calling them now was nerve-wrecking. I didn't really know what to say, and I wasn't sure what they would say. There had been a time right after I moved that they had called several times a week, sometimes several times in one day, to talk to me. But I had been so angry, so sad and so ashamed that I either just yelled at them and then hung up or never even picked up the phone.

They still called every once in a while, but not often at all, not even once a month. That was fine with me though, but Dr. Evans said that it would be good for me to either work things out with my parents, or cut them off, get some sort of closure. Because the way it was now was not good for my well-being, and I understood that too. Every time they called, it was like an old wound was ripped open. And after, I would try to forget it ever happened, I never dealt with it. And then they would call again a few weeks or months later and I had to start all over again.

I would never be completely happy, I would never find peace unless they either stopped calling or we worked things out so that I wouldn't become a wreck anytime they called. Of course, Dr. Evans thought the best thing for me would be to call them and ask to see them and then for us to sit down and talk about Timothy. But I agreed. I knew that's what I needed, and what they needed. But Dr. Evans also said that if my mom kept blaming me, that maybe I should consider cutting her out of my life.

That though, I wasn't sure I could do. How could I cut my mom out of my life? And I couldn't cut just her out, I would have to cut dad out too, and I couldn't do that. I couldn't cut them both out. But I didn't want to think about that now, I should just call and talk to them and see where things would go from there.

Suddenly the seemingly never ending beeping stopped.

"Hello?"

I clutched the phone in my hand and Callie squeezed my thigh reassuringly. "Mom, hey."

"Arizona?" She sounded almost shocked.

"Yeah," I whispered, my voice cracking. "It's me." A lump formed in my throat and a single tear ran down my cheek at the sound of her voice.

"Oh my darling, I'm so happy you're calling. Me and your father miss you terribly. How are you doing?"

I closed my eyes, more tears running down my cheeks as I took a deep breath. "I-I'm good," I stuttered. "I'm happy. Ho-how are you and dad?"

She hesitated for a second, but then said, "We are alright dear, but we miss you a lot."

I felt a rush of guilt wash over me. "I-I'm sorry, mom. I've just been, um..." I trailed off, searching for words. "Not coping so well."

"I'm sorry to hear that darling," mom said, and she sounded truly sad. "Is there anything I can do? Please tell me what I can do."

"I'm better now," I promised and started to sober up as I was about to tell my mother about Calliope. "I met someone." I glanced over at Callie's face and she looked back at me with concern in her eyes but when I smiled weakly at her, she smiled back. "She's amazing and she's helped me a lot."

"Oh, well, that's good. So you're feeling better?"

"Yes. Actually," I started, my heart beat getting faster. I was so nervous for this part. I didn't know why though because it was not like I thought she would say no. "We were thinking of coming to visit you and dad, if that would be okay." Callie hugged me closer, knowing that I needed it.

"Oh baby girl, we would be thrilled!" my mom squealed. "Anytime you want. When were you thinking?"

"Um, in three weeks. Because then Callie has the Friday off so we could stay in New York from Thursday night to Sunday."

"We would love that sweetheart. So, Callie?"

"Yeah, that's the one." I smiled and looked at Callie again.

"She's good to you, I hope?"

"Oh mom," I sighed, caressing Callie's cheek and looking into her loving eyes, letting her know I was saying this next part to her also. "Like you wouldn't believe. She's..." I trailed off. There weren't any words that would explain what Callie meant to me. "She's perfect. She's everything I could ever ask for."

Callie smiled at me and mouthed, 'I love you'.

"That sounds wonderful darling, I can't wait to meet her." My mom sounded relieved. "Tell her hi from me."

"I will."

We fell into an awkward silence, but after a few seconds I took a deep breath.

"Mom, I... I really miss you and dad too, I just... I just think we need to talk."

"Yes," she said. "Yes, we do."

Silence again.

"But, um, I guess we'll do that when we come visit."

"Yes, maybe that's best."

"Yeah, so, I guess we'll talk more then," I said, ready to say goodbye, not knowing what else to say.

"You have to go already?" she asked, disappointment evident in her voice.

"No," I conceded. "No, I don't, but-"

"Won't you tell me about your Callie? And tell me what you've done since we last saw you," she requested hopefully.

"Mom, I can't," I explained resignedly. "I can't talk to you about what I have done or about Callie because things aren't okay between you and me. I don't want to pretend, and that's what I'd have to do." Tears came to my eyes again. "But I will tell you everything once we've resolved things."

"Alright darling, I understand. I'm sorry. Will you call your father and me again? He isn't home right now but I know he would love to talk to you."

"I will call once we've booked the tickets so we can settle everything, and then I can talk to dad." I didn't really want to talk to my dad on the phone right now. I hadn't really wanted to talk to my mom either. Had they lived closer I would have just stopped by their house. Normally I didn't mind talking to them on the phone at all, but when there were unresolved issues between us it was just awkward, and I didn't want to try and fix it over the phone.

"Okay dear."

"So, I'll call you back in a few days or next week. Tell dad I said hi, okay?"

"Of course, I will."

"Okay. Bye mom."

"Arizona?"

I sighed, fearing what she would say. "Yeah?"

She hesitated for a moment. "I'm sorry about everything."

"Yeah. Me too." I really didn't want to talk about this right then.

"But I am so happy to hear from you and I really hope we can work things out."

"I do too." There was a brief silence. "I'll talk to you later mom. Bye."

"Bye honey."

Hanging up the phone, I put it on the coffee table in front of me. I closed my eyes and exhaled in relief, resting my head in my hands.

Callie held me tighter and ran her hand up and down my arm. "You okay?" she asked softly.

I shook my head. "I don't know."

She left a warm kiss on my cheek and then placed her chin on my shoulder. "You want to just sit her for a while?"

I nodded into my hands. "Yeah."

Needing more contact, I turned and snuggled into Callie's warm, safe chest and she immediately welcomed me into her arms by pressing me to her. I sighed again as I started to relax, but I felt a little sleepy.

"Come here," Callie whispered as she pulled me with her to lie down. I nuzzled my face into the crook of her neck as she ran her hands up and down my back the way she always did in order to comfort me when I was sad.

"She wants to meet you," I said.

"Yeah?" She kissed the top of my head. "Will she like me?"

I smiled, knowing the type of people my mother liked, and Callie was definitely that kind of person; kind, caring, humble and easy to be around. "She will love you," I assured her. "Not as much as I do though," I added. "No one will ever love you as much as I do. Ever."

"Callie, not here." I knew my tone of voice was low and dripping with desire, but that didn't cover the slight discomfort and insecurity I was feeling.

I didn't know why we always managed to do this, why we couldn't keep our hands off each other in public. Granted no one was in the bathroom at this moment, but still.

Callie was pressed up against me, and I against the wall. My hands were roaming the sides of her waist under her shirt, and my lips were firmly sealed with hers in a heated kiss. Her hands were gripping my face, gently holding me in place.

We had been sitting by a table by the bar with our – now mutual – friends, and I had given Callie a quick kiss and excused myself and gone to the bathroom. She had followed me, in hopes of doing just this where there weren't hundreds of people that would stare. It was fine, I didn't mind, until it started getting too heated.

I would not have sex with Callie in a dirty bar bathroom.

It just simply didn't feel right. This was where I had had sex with so many different people, people that didn't matter to me at all, and Callie wasn't one of them. Callie mattered, she was everything and we didn't need to have sex here.

"Mm-hmm, yeah, okay," she mumbled nonchalantly, obviously not really caring where we were. Had she been sober, she had picked up on the insecurity in my voice, she always did.

"Seriously, Callie," I said as I pushed her away. "Not here." I looked intently into her eyes, silently begging her to understand.

"Oh," she stuttered, finally seeing my discomfort. "I'm sorry." She frowned. "Um..." She closed her eyes for a moment as if thinking of what to say. Opening them again, she asked, "Is something wrong?" Her hands were still on my face, her fingers lovingly brushing against my cheeks.

I cocked my head and raised my eye brows, a sign that I thought she should understand, hoping I wouldn't have to explain. But she frowned apologetically at me, letting me know she was clueless.

I took a deep breath. "I don't want to have sex with you in here. You're not the person I have sex with in here." I flexed my fingers at her sides for emphasis. "You're more important than that."

Callie's face immediately fell as she realized what I meant. "Oh my god, I'm sorry" she apologized. She covered her face with one hand and placed the other one on my shoulder. "Fuck. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, hey," I called silently as I grabbed her wrist, removing her hand from her face. I smiled warmly at her as our eyes met. "It's okay. I'm not all sad and broken because we're in here doing this, I just don't want it going any further than this," I explained, not wanting her to feel bad, but she wouldn't look at me. "I just, you and I don't have sex in here. We can have sex anywhere on the planet, just not here. But I'm okay, alright?"

She stayed close, but still wouldn't look into my eyes. She nodded. "Okay."

"Hey." I brought my hand to her chin, bringing her face up, forcing her to look at me.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, tears forming in her eyes.

I shook my head and then reached forward and kissed her. "No." I kissed her again. "Don't be sorry. I'm okay. Let's just get back out there and then we can carry this on when we get back to yours."

Then, Callie wrapped her arms around me, nuzzling her face into my hair. "I love you," she whispered.

I smiled. My chest never ceased to tingle at hearing her say those words. "I know. I love you."

We went back out and joined our friends but I noticed Callie was still feeling guilty about what had happened in the bathroom.

Although, that would soon be forgotten...

"Arizona, right?"

The voice was coming from behind me, and I vaguely recognized it. But when I turned around, flashes of memories flooded my mind. It was Rob. I had met him countless of times but I was surprised I even remembered his name because it had only been sex with him.

So many times.

I froze. In the corner or my eye, I registered Callie looking up at him and then back at me.

I didn't want to remember. I wanted it to go away. Everything had been so great for the last couple of weeks; Callie and I had barely been fighting and my panic attacks had noticeably decreased in number.

Now, I felt like I was cheating on Callie just by talking to him, just by him being there.

"N-no," I stuttered as I shook my head and turned back to the table.

"Well, whoever you are," he said and then leaned in closer to me, whispering close to my ear, "I would like to have some fun if you're up for it." He was so close to me, too close. I tensed and inhaled sharply, shivered and pinched my eyes closed, willing him to to go away.

"She doesn't want to talk to you," Callie said coldly, and I knew she was struggling to refrain from breaking his face.

"Come on," Rob persisted as he placed his hand on my hip, ignoring Callie. "I made you feel so-"

Callie shot up from her chair and stood between me and Rob, pushing him away from me. "Leave her the fuck alone." I didn't see her face but her voice was hard, cold and threatening and I knew if he didn't leave she would lose it.

"Hey, I just wanted to-"

"I said leave her the fuck alone!"

I heard bodies being pushed and suddenly Addison, Mark and Alex were out of their chairs pulling Callie and Rob apart.

Everything happened so fast and I must have blacked out for a while.

"Baby?" I heard Callie's voice softly call out to me. "Arizona, are you okay?" She was concerned, it was so evident in the way she said my name. "Look at me, please," she pleaded. Her warm hands were covering mine, her thumbs softly brushing over my knuckles.

I slowly turned to look at her. "Did he hurt you?"

She smiled weakly and shook her head slightly. "No, baby, he didn't." She brought a hand to my face. "I'm all good. But concerned about you. Are you okay?"

I didn't know. I shook my head as I frowned, trying to figure out what was happening inside my head. "I, um, I don't know." I felt numb, empty. No feelings.

"I think maybe we should go home and rest. What do you think?"

I smiled. "In your bed? Together?"

Callie beamed back at me in spite of her being worried about me. "Yes," she said. "Just you and me."

"Okay."

Callie reached forward and gave me a lingering kiss on the cheek before standing up.

The others were obviously already in on this.

"We'll walk you guys home," Addison said. "Just to be safe."

"My heart," Callie whispered when we finally lay down in bed, "tell me why you're crying," she begged softly as she pulled me to her and kissed the top of my head.

"Everything has been going so good," I stuttered between sobs.

"It's still going good, babe," she whispered warmly into my ear.

"I panicked," I declared.

"I know, but that's okay."

I clung to Callie and cried for a little while, and it felt quite alright, I needed it. I wanted to be done crying, I wanted to be done feeling miserable like this and ruining moments that were good, like tonight. But I knew I had to be patient and give it time, but it was hard when all I wanted was to be happy.

Callie ran her hands slowly up and down my back, and every now and then she brushed her lips against my cheek. Everything was better because she was there.

When I had stopped crying, I sniffled and took a deep breath. "I feel gross."

Callie kissed my forehead. "You're not gross." One of her hands came to my shoulder and then continued down my arm only to go back up again. "Why do you feel gross?"

"Because of him," I said. "I wish I had never..." I couldn't say it. I felt ashamed. I sighed resignedly. "I'm sorry."

She squeezed me gently in reassurance. "Don't be. You were sad when that happened, and I'm not mad at you for doing what you did then."

"But you don't like it."

Callie sighed. "Of course I don't like it. But everyone has a past, I've slept with other people too before you, and you don't think less of me because of that. Neither do I think less of you. I wish you would stop worrying about that." She gently pulled her fingers through my hair and I could feel the tips of them against my scalp.

I inhaled and snuggled my face into her warm chest. "I'll try."

"Good," she murmured and kept pulling her fingers through my curls.

After a short silence, I said, "I don't like that he was so close to you."

"He didn't do anything," she assured, "he was just being an ass."

"I still don't want him near you."

She kissed my cheek. "Okay babe."

"Sorry I ruined tonight."

"Nothing's ruined. I'm pretty good right here."

I sighed, a little annoyed. "You know what I mean," I said. I knew she just wanted to make me feel better, but I also knew we never would have left the bar that soon if what happened hadn't happened, and that frustrated me.

"There will be other nights," Callie pointed out. "And we had fun as long as it lasted, and it lasted for pretty long anyway. And I know that in the future – in our future – there will be many great nights out and you will be just fine."

"You think?" I asked, not daring to be too optimistic.

"I know," Callie said, determined.

A comfortable silence fell upon us and even though it was something that happened several times a day, I relished just being close to Callie.

"I was never attracted to men," I said, probably catching Callie off guard. "Not once."

She shifted slightly but kept her arms firmly around me. "Wasn't it hard to have sex with them then?"

"No," I stated. "There was pain... It was bad pain, so it was good pain, it made me numb. That's why it was so effective because that's the only time I managed to completely shut everything else out," I explained. "I didn't feel the other stuff, or what having sex did to my head or my body. But now, I feel, so I panicked when I saw Rob." I paused and took a deep breath. "I don't want to do that again."

"I know you don't," Callie said. "And even though it's hard to feel all those feelings now, it's a good thing. You've been feeling better lately."

I nodded against her chest. "I have."

"And you know I'm proud of you, right?"

I smiled brightly. How could I not know that? She wouldn't stop reminding me. "Yeah, I know." I pulled away so I could look at her for the first time since we landed in bed. I reached my hand up and traced her jaw with the tips of my fingers. "Thank you. For being proud of me and for putting up with me and all of my crap."

She smiled at me and gave me a quick kiss. "I love you and your crap. And you really do make me proud."

My heart was beating increasingly fast in my chest and I was sweating. My mind was reeling. I couldn't remember the last time I had been this nervous.

Callie's hand was tightly holding mine in silent support. She would squeeze it occasionally to reassure me, which I appreciated, but nothing would help at that moment. I was staring at my parents' front door. I hadn't knocked yet.

This wasn't the house that I grew up in. It was a new house to me, one I hadn't lived in for very long. It wasn't home. It had never been home. My parents decided to move as soon as possible after Tim's death, because they couldn't stand living in the same house in which their son committed suicide. So this was the new house, the 'not-home-house'.

"Sweetie, you're going to do it eventually, what are you waiting for?" Callie asked softly as she pressed her fingertips into the back of my hand.

I nodded. "I know. I don't know."

She spun me around so we were facing each other. Taking my face in her hands, she looked deeply into my eyes. "You can do this," she encouraged slowly. "I know you can. And whatever happens in there will be okay. You will be okay. And for the record, I even think what will happen in there is going to be great." She paused for a moment just to gaze into my eyes, and I could feel her love for me radiating through my soul, giving strength.

I closed my eyes as I took a deep breath, really preparing myself. "Okay," I said as I nodded.

Turning back to the door, I slowly but determinedly raised my right hand and knocked twice.

The moment the door opened, my heart pounded even harder than it had the second before. But the moment my mother covered her mouth with her hand and smiled, it felt easier. My body felt lighter, and as she launched forward and took me into her arms in an almost strangling embrace, tears started streaming unstoppable down my face.

"Arizona, my baby girl, you're home!"

I wrapped my arms around my mother's waist and burrowed my nose into her gray hair. The scent was the same as it had always been and it brought back countless of memories. I hadn't seen my mother in two years, and seeing her now, having her hug me, was so bittersweet somehow and brought up so many feelings. I was angry with her, and I was disappointed. But I loved her nonetheless and I had missed her, so it was also a relief to see her again.

More than that, it was a relief that she seemed so happy to see me. After she had blamed me for Timothy's death, I didn't think she would ever be happy to see me again. How could she be if she thought it was my fault her son was dead?

Yet, here we were.

I was so lost in the moment that at first, I didn't even notice my father standing right behind my mother. When I did notice him, I slowly took a small step back as I stared up at him. I could hear the silent sobs of my mother as I looked into my father's seemingly sad eyes.

"Dad," I simply whispered.

"We've missed you," he said.

A wave of guilt washed through me again at those words and fresh tears came to my eyes. "I've missed you too."

My relationship with my father had always been special. I had always been his little girl and he had always kind of been my favorite person in the world. When I was little, he used to play with me and Tim a lot when he wasn't in the army, and we always had the best time with him.

Unable to stand it anymore, I threw myself into his arms, hugging him tightly. I cried silently into his shoulder, trying to keep my tears and my sobs under somewhat control.

When dad and I broke the hug, I realized I had yet to introduce Callie.

"Oh, mom, dad," I started as I turned to Callie and wiped the tears off my cheeks. Callie looked into my eyes, and her entire face was shining with concern. I smiled weakly at her as I took her hand and pulled her to my side. "This is Calliope – Callie."

"Ms. Robbins, Mr. Robbins," Callie greeted as she offered her hand to my mother.

"Oh please dear, call us Barbara and Daniel," my mother insisted as she took Callie's hand in both of her own.

My father shook her hand a moment later. "Nice to meet you Callie."

"Mom, do you know why I left?"

My mother shifted in her chair, her gaze landing on her folded hands in front of her on the kitchen table. My father was next to her, and I was right across from her with Callie on my right.

My mother quickly looked back up at me, tears forming in her eyes. "I'm not sure Arizona, but I always thought it was because you were sad."

I sighed in defeat. I had been hoping to not have to do this, to not have to explain everything. I thought maybe they had figured it out. But I was obviously wrong.

"No, that wasn't why," I silently said. Callie discreetly came a little closer to me and reassuringly placed her hand on my thigh. "I was angry and I felt guilty and I couldn't bare to stay."

"Why did you feel guilty?" My father asked. "And about what?"

I sighed again. How could they not know why? It was beyond me how it was possible that they didn't know. I took a deep breath. "About Timothy, what happened to him." Mom looked at me with a slight frown on her face, clearly not understanding. "Mom, you used to ask me why I had to fight with him, and you said I shouldn't have let him lock himself in the bathroom. How do you think that made me feel?" I paused, knowing I wouldn't be able to talk anymore without crying, not for the moment.

I looked at my mom, and it was like it all suddenly dawned on her. She looked horrified, sad and almost like she couldn't breathe. Then I looked over at my dad, but he was wearing his poker face, as usual. "And dad, you..." I trailed off. "You didn't say anything. You would barely even look at me." I gazed back at my mother. "So I left, because I couldn't stand being around you, knowing it was my fault. I couldn't stand the looks on your faces and the constant reminders that Tim's death was my fault." My voice cracked and tears violently flowed down my face.

Callie squeezed my thigh firmly, wanting to protect me but sensing that taking me in her arms wasn't the best idea right now. Even though I really could have used it, I would have broken down and I didn't want to do that in front of my parents.

"Arizona," my mother started, her voice shaky. "Sweetheart, it wasn't your fault."

I looked into her eyes, trying to figure out if she really meant what she said. "I felt like it was, a part of me still feels like it was."

"It was never my intention to make you feel like it was. When Timothy died, I wasn't..." she trailed off and a single tear fell from her eye. "I didn't know what I would do. The pain, Arizona, I felt like I couldn't go on living, I still-"

"What about my pain?" I growled in anger, tears still streaming down my face. "Don't you think I was in pain? Don't you think I didn't have one single clue how to go on living?! Don't you think that the image of him hanging from the ceiling in the bathroom-" I paused for a second, trying to compose myself, "-haunted me every single day?!" I couldn't keep the cries from coming anymore, and I immediately felt Callie closer to me.

My parents looked at me in shock – I had never yelled at them that way before. Every last bit of anger, disappointment and sadness towards them was pouring out of me, and it felt good. Being angry and telling them, it felt good. It was hard, but it was good.

Callie studied me carefully as she held one arm around my back and a hand on my arm. Even though she didn't say one word, I could read the concern in all of her features. I turned to her and looked into her shiny, brown eyes. "I'm okay," I whispered.

She nodded discreetly. "Okay." She ran her hand across my back before retracting it and pulling away a little, knowing I needed the space.

"Arizona, I-I'm so sorry," my mother stuttered. "I was in so much pain that I guess I didn't see yours or what I was doing to you. I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to feel like it was your fault. It's not your fault."

I felt another wave of tears fall from my eyes at my mother's apology. "I was so angry with you," I choked out.

Mom bit her lip and nodded. "You had a right to be. I wasn't being a good mother to you Arizona and I'm sorry about that," she conceded. "But when you left, I was heartbroken. I felt like I was losing you too."

"I know. I'm sorry. I just, I couldn't stay."

Hearing my mother apologize, and even just sitting down and talking to her was a huge thing for me. And I was okay. I wasn't great, it was hard, but I was okay. And she said it wasn't my fault which must have been the biggest relief of my life. I felt like I could finally really start to move forward and to get back to having a close relationship to my parents.

"We understand," my father said. I was a little frustrated that he wouldn't say much, but it was just the way he was and the fact that he talked at all during the time we sat around the kitchen table was a clear sign that he was at least trying.

"Arizona..." My mother's voice was small, shaky and pleading. "I am so, so sorry. Can you forgive me?"

I studied her for a moment. I hadn't seen my mother in two years but I could still read her like an open book.

"Y-yes," I stuttered as I nodded. "Yes, I will."

In unison, we stood up from our chairs and met at the short end of the table in a bone-crushing hug. We both cried unstoppably in each other's arms – no more holding back.

"I'm sorry," I choked out.

"No, I'm sorry. Oh my baby girl, I love you so much. I'm so glad you're here."

I hugged my mother for dear life, and I felt like my life was brighter than it had been in what felt like forever. This moment, these tears and these feelings were so relieving.

My dad was still sitting unmoving in his chair by the table, but as I let go of my mom, I looked over at him. "Dad?" I called quietly and he snapped his head up and met my tentative gaze. His eyes were glistening with tears, but he was struggling hard to refrain from crying.

"Arizona," he started, but then paused. My dad wasn't one for apologies, and I wasn't expecting one from him, even now. "I didn't like it when you were away and I would like you to stay."

"Dad, I would love to but we have to go back on Sunday, I have to work and Callie's got school."

He looked around the room as if searching for something. "What about today? You could stay for dinner."

I looked over at Callie and she quickly opened her mouth to speak. "Yes. Yes, we would love to," she said as she looked between my mother and my father, and then back at me. I gave her a weak but an appreciative smile in return.

So we did. We ate dinner together, we talked and laughed and had a good time. I felt so alive.

They loved Callie. My dad seemed especially fond of her and I couldn't help feeling proud.

We talked briefly about Timothy, but it was too soon to bring up the very happiest memories of him or the funeral or details about his death or why he did it.

My father kept going on about Callie and I staying in a hotel, saying we should come stay with them. My mother of course agreed, but I told them we had already paid for the hotel. Truth was though, it would have been a little too much to stay with them. I wanted to be able to go back to the hotel and just be with Callie and really be able to relax and digest the events of that day without any interruptions from my parents. I did however promise them that next time we'd come visit we would stay with them.

"It wasn't your fault," my mother whispered into my ear as we hugged right before Callie and I left to go back to the hotel. "I still blame myself everyday because he was my son, I should have seen his pain, I should have been able to do something, but you... No, you're the last person that should feel guilty." She pulled away and looked at me. "Your brother loved you very, very much. And I know you loved him."

I nodded and felt that all too familiar lump of sadness come to my throat. "I did."

"No one ever thought it was your fault. And I am so so sorry that I made you feel like it was."

Nodding again, I bit my bottom lip, still keeping the tears at bay. "I know. But we can move forward now, we can start to live again, god knows I haven't really lived for the past two years." At least not until I found Callie.

"Yes," my mother agreed, "we can move forward."

Before we left, I promised we would come by again the day after. Callie and I had decided that on Saturday we would go to the cemetery where Tim was buried, but I didn't tell my parents because they would probably want to come too and I didn't want them to. It was something that I needed to do for myself, and if they came too, I would have to be there not just for myself but for them too.

As Callie and I walked in the dark down the drive way to the rental car, I felt her fingers graze my hand before she slipped them in between mine. She held my hand in a steady grip and I could feel her look at me.

"I'm okay," I assured her as I let my eyes meet hers, before she had the chance to ask.

She squeezed my hand and smiled at me. "You can read my thoughts now, huh?"

We reached the car and I pulled her into me as I stood with my back against the passenger door. "I'd like to think that I can," I murmured as I looped my arms around her waist.

Callie's hands came to my face and she looked intently into my eyes as she touched me with her warm, soft fingers. She remained silent, studying my face, tucking some hair behind my ear. I closed my eyes for a moment and just let myself feel the tingles that Callie's tender fingers elicited on my skin, continuing straight to my chest.

Opening my eyes again, I found her gazing deeply into them.

"You don't have to look at me like that," I said. "I'm okay. I'm actually better than okay."

She smiled. "I know."

"So stop looking at me like that," I commanded softly as I pressed her closer.

"I want to look at you like this," she whispered and did just that. "And it's not because I'm concerned," she continued. "You just... I love seeing you like this. Like..." She paused and thought for a moment. "Like you have all good thoughts. Like you're happy."

"I've been happy every day that I've been with you," I pointed out.

"No," Callie disagreed. "You haven't. You've been happy that you've been with me but you haven't been happy. Not completely. Not until today. Not until now." She smiled and brushed her thumb back and forth over my cheek as her other hand slipped down to my neck.

I didn't know what to say. But somehow I felt like she was right. She was the best thing that had ever happened to me, but making up with my parents was something that enabled me to really move forward and be happy about other things, not just Callie, even if she was the biggest part of my happiness.

"So let me just look at you for a little while," she continued, "because what I'm seeing right now is the best and most amazing thing I have ever laid my eyes on."

I smiled and a single tear of happiness ran down my cheek. "Okay. But I'll need to kiss you real soon, so..."

Reaching forward, Callie's soft and warm lips landed on my damp skin, kissing away the salty liquid. I closed my eyes, and as soon as her lips left my cheek, I took them with my own. I wrapped my arms harder around her and she wrapped her arms around my neck as we kissed.

"I can't even begin to tell you how glad I am that you're here with me," I whispered. "I would have never found the strength to come here if it wasn't for you."

"You would have. You did all this, you know. I might have helped you but you did it. You realized you couldn't hurt yourself anymore and you came to find me. You went to the therapist and you called your parents. You. All you. Don't you see? I was just by your side. But you, you did all the hard work. If I hadn't been here, you would have found some other way."

"You think?" I asked, not sure I actually believed what she was saying.

"Yes. Arizona, you're not a weak person. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"I don't know..." I said as I shook my head and looked away. "I just feel so messed up."

"Everyone's messed up. Baby, you picked yourself up from being so, so far down. Not a lot of people have the strength to do that. And you did. You did it."

I smiled. I don't know if it was what she said, how she said it or because she was the one saying it, but I found myself thinking that maybe she was right.

"Yeah," I said in disbelief, "maybe I did."

She gave me a quick kiss. "You did."

I just smiled, couldn't really stop. We were silent for a moment, and then I said, "My dad really liked you."

"Yeah? Well I liked him too."

"Really?"

"Heck yeah. Your mom too."

"I'm glad. It's a good thing we're not staying with them though, because they would not have left us alone and right now I really want you alone."

"Mm, is that so?" Callie asked with a sly grin.

"Yes," I said, unashamed. "Let's go please?"

"You got it."

We drove back to the hotel and I felt happier than I could ever remember feeling. I barely dared to think it, but things were starting to really look up.

-Callie-

The pain wouldn't stop. As usual. And why now? Why, on the one week when I wasn't home? Seriously?

I usually didn't get cramps that bad during my period, but when I did get them, they were bad. Even pain killers wouldn't help much, I just had to wait. But it hurt so bad I couldn't lie still. Not wanting to wake Arizona with my tossing and turning, I wobbled out of bed and let my body fall onto the couch.

I pressed my arms into my stomach, not that it would help much. The pain was there all the time, but the intensity of it came in waves and whatever I did, nothing would really help.

I tried to breathe. Tried to focus on something else.

Didn't work.

I just kept tossing and turning, pinching my eyes closed as the pain radiated into my back.

Good thing was, it was morning, so I didn't lose a lot of sleep because of the pain. It was still early, just before eight, but it could have been worse.

I looked over to the bed when I heard the rustling of the sheets as Arizona shifted. She turned around, her eyes still closed, and reached out a hand in hopes of finding me there. I instantly felt a little guilty when her arm landed on the sheet beside her and she automatically, but blindly, started searching the empty space.

Despite the hint of guilt I felt, I couldn't help but smile at how cute she was when she opened her eyes and looked around all confused, wondering where I was.

"Callie?" she called as she rubbed at her eyes and started to sit up.

"I'm here," I answered and she sat up straight and looked at me with tired eyes.

"Oh." She still looked confused, but in a few seconds her facial expression changed and she looked a little uncertain. "What are you- why are you in the couch?" she asked with a frown, but then her eyes widened in realization – she must have noticed my arms covering my stomach and my constant squirming. "Oh my god, are you okay?" She swiftly threw the comforter aside and rushed out of bed and over to me.

"Yeah, yeah," I started, "I'm fine, just cramps," I said as she sat down next to me. "I hurts like heck and I can't stop rolling around and stuff, and I didn't want to wake you, so..."

She put a hand on my arm, gently caressing my skin. "I'm sorry baby. But you really didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to let you sleep. You had a big day yesterday."

She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. "That's sweet, but you know I wouldn't mind."

"I know, I just... You would have done the same, come on. I care about you and you had a tough day yesterday, and-"

"Okay, okay," Arizona interrupted before my talking turned into rambling. "I get it." She leaned down and gave me a quick kiss. "How bad is it?"

"Um..." I trailed off. I didn't like to seem weak, or to complain about my pain, but frankly, it hurt like a mother fucking bitch. "Bad," I conceded but quickly continued in order to shift focus to something else. "It's so typical, I don't get cramps this bad that often," I explained, feeling frustrated. "And I had to get them now, when we're away together?"

"Yeah, that must suck. But it will pass in a while and then you'll be fine."

"Yeah, yeah," I whined. I was annoyed, but not with Arizona, and I knew it wouldn't ruin the trip or anything, but having cramps made me cranky, and even more so when I got them at a bad time. "Just... Bleh!"

"I know sweetie," she said. "Have you taken any pain killers?"

"No, they won't help."

"Are you sure? I could get you one if-"

"No, they never help much. But thank you."

"Okay, well, I know something that might help," she said and ran her hands down my arms until she reached my hands, removing them from my stomach. I winced as a new wave of pain shot through my abdomen and back. Arizona grimaced sympathetically.

"I'm okay," I persisted.

She slid her hands under my tank top, pulling the garment up in the process, revealing my lower abdomen. She ran her hands in circles all over it first, then gently started pressing her palms into it where it was hurting the most.

"How's that?" she asked as she alternated between pressing her knuckles, fingers and palms into my sore stomach.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on her touch for a moment. It felt good, it actually helped a little. "Mm," I moaned softly in appreciation. "That's – yeah, that feels good." I nodded eagerly, urging her not to stop. I opened my eyes and looked up at her. "Where'd you learn that?"

"I was only ten when I got my period," she started, "and for the first few years I had really bad cramps, and my mom used to do this to me and it always helped."

She kept massaging my stomach and I closed my eyes again. I could practically feel the pain draining from me. Slowly, but still, it did feel better.

The next time I opened my eyes, I found Arizona looking down at my stomach, then at my chest and my hands. Her bottom lip was trapped between her teeth, and the lust was so clear in her eyes.

I grinned at her. "What are you thinking about?" I asked seductively. I was in pain, but I wasn't dead.

She smiled at me, she wasn't ashamed of being caught ogling. Then she grabbed the hem of my tank top with one hand, pulling it up over my chest and revealing one of my breasts. "This," she whispered as she leaned down and kissed the nipple, all the while still massaging my stomach.

"Oh," I breathed as she kissed the nipple again, this time taking it into her mouth a little, "that..."

I closed my eyes and arched my back a little as she swiped her tongue across my breast before taking the nipple fully into her mouth.

This was a mix that was completely new. But it was interesting indeed. Kind of bittersweet. My cramps were still very much there, even if they weren't as intense anymore it still hurt a lot. At the same time Arizona's tongue and mouth was on my breast, sucking and licking me and it was delicious.

I placed my hands on her head, stroking the tips of my fingers slowly along her scalp. "Mm, that-that's good too," I moaned.

She climbed on top of me into the couch as she moved up to kiss my mouth. She was on her knees on either side of my hips, one of her hands still massaging my stomach as she used the other to steady herself. I ran my hands along her soft, warm sides as she kissed me lovingly.

"Feeling any better?" she asked huskily.

I nodded. "Mm-hm, def-definitely better," I stuttered, not wanting her to stop.

Shifting, Arizona moved so that she again could massage my stomach with both her hands. Suddenly I felt one hand leave my stomach and slip down between my legs and I gasped, my eyes shooting open.

"This might help too," she said as she rubbed her hand up and down my core through my panties. A wave of pleasure instantly mixed with the pain in the pit of my stomach and I bucked my hips for more friction, wanting the pleasure to take over from the pain.

I reached behind my head and clutched my hands to the armrest as I watched Arizona touch me. She was adding pressure and I felt my whole body tingling and the pain subsided more and more. She still used her other hand to rub at my stomach, but I could tell she was losing focus on that one.

I rolled my hips in time with her movements and I was starting to crave release. "I wanna come," I said. "Make me come."

She slipped her hand into my panties and her fingers immediately found my clit.

I grabbed her wrist, stopping her movements. I looked at her, suddenly finding it hard to find any words. "Um... You can't, um..." I trailed off. "I'm wearing a tampon."

Arizona looked at me like I was crazy, but then smiled slyly down at me. "I know," she simply stated and removed my hand from around her wrist. "Who says I'm going any further than this? I don't need to, to make you come, do I?"

I shook my head and swallowed hard. "No."

With that, she started rubbing my clit in circles and I reached up with my hand to clutch the armrest again. The pleasure was so pure in contrast to the pain and I wanted to come so badly.

"Oh my god Arizona, it feels so fucking good." I was panting by now, my breathing hitching. I rolled my hips against her warm, strong fingers that were working me perfectly. The closer I got to the edge, the less of the pain I could feel. "Faster," I pleaded. "Please, faster."

She did, and it was delicious. Oh, so delicious.

When I reached that peak, that ultimate release, I screamed out. That was an orgasm like no other I had ever experienced before. It wasn't the strongest or the most intense one I had ever had, but it was the most relieving and pure, somehow. Probably because of the contrast of the pain from the cramps, but still.

Slipping her hand out of my panties, she reached down and kissed at my stomach as she went back to massaging it with both her hands. I was breathless, couldn't really talk yet, so I just placed my hands on her head and stroked gently.

"How's that pain now?" Arizona asked.

"Gone," I managed to get out.

She smiled brightly at me. "So then," she started as she moved to lie down on top of me, "this is okay?"

I wrapped my legs around her hips and my arms around her back and kissed her. "Very okay," I whispered as I trailed kisses down her neck and to her shoulder. "You are the best, you know that?"

She giggled. "That's the sex talking. But yeah, and I'm awesome."

"You are awesome," I confirmed.

We stayed like that for a while, just cuddling, but after some time the pain came back and I felt the need to move. I didn't want to let Arizona know the cramps were back though. It felt weird, like I would tell her that only so she would make me come again. Even though I didn't really think she would think that, but still.

"Are you uncomfortable?" she asked when I couldn't help but shift a little under her.

"No, I'm fine. Stay." I wasn't uncomfortable, but the pain made me want to move.

"Are the cramps back?" she asked as she pulled back a little to look at me.

Damn it. "It's fine, don't worry about it."

She smirked at me. "Do you not want me to do that again?"

I sighed softly. "I do, but..." I trailed off. Trap. Crap! "I mean I don't." Arizona frowned. "I mean, no, I do, but no."

Arizona chuckled, obviously sensing my struggle. "Callie," she started, "I'll gladly make you come. As many times as you want. And it's not like I would think you said you're in pain only so that I would make you come." Now who was reading thoughts? "You don't really need an excuse anyway, all you have to do is say the word and I'll do it."

I smiled up at her. "Okay."

"So, that pain was back again, or?"

-Arizona-

"You ready?" I heard Callie ask from beside me and I felt the back of her hand softly caress my cheek. I was sitting in the passenger seat and Callie in the driver's seat, one hand still on the wheel even though we'd been parked for a few minutes.

I looked over at her and was instantly met with her concerned gaze. I nodded. "Yeah," I said quietly. "As ready as I'll ever be."

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and stepped out, looking out over the big cemetery. Before I knew it, Callie was by my side, her warm, steady hand taking a firm grip of my cold, trembling one. I looked in the direction I knew Tim's grave was, and after a moment I started walking across the grass.

I had only been to Tim's grave twice; once after the funeral and once to say goodbye before I left for Seattle. That was two years ago. The graveyard looked strangely the same, as if nothing had changed at all in two years.

But reaching Tim's tombstone, those two years suddenly felt very long and the stone did not look the same to me. There were no fresh flowers like there had been last time, and the stone didn't look as new as it had then.

I could feel Callie's eyes on me, but she didn't say anything.

"I haven't been here in two years," I said. "I haven't visited him in two years."

"He forgives you," she assured me as she tugged at my hand.

"How do you know?" I asked and looked up at her.

"From what you've told me, he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would hold a grudge. Especially not against you, not after all you've been through."

I smiled weakly at her and then looked at the tombstone. Even after all this time it was hard to believe that Tim was buried here, that he wasn't alive anymore.

"'Sweet Child of Mine'?" Callie asked as she read it off the tombstone.

I smiled again, bigger this time at the memory of my brother. "He loved Guns N' Roses, so we wanted to put that on the stone. During the funeral two of Timothy's friends sang that song while playing the guitar. He would have loved that if he knew." I took a deep breath and remembered the funeral. I had cried so hard, especially when they sang. That was the hardest moment in the ceremony.

"I bet he would," Callie whispered. "Do you want to light the candle?"

I nodded and sniffled as a few tears came to my eyes. "Yeah."

Callie handed me the candle and the matches and I set the candle down in front of the tombstone.

"I don't know what to say to him," I said when I had lit the candle.

"Say what you wish you would have told him before he died," she suggested.

I thought about it for a moment. "It feels weird," I concluded.

Callie tugged at my hand as she started to sit down.

"What are you doing?"

"Come on," she said.

I sat down next to her and she pulled my hand into her lap.

"I've heard a lot about you," she started. "Only good stuff of course. I'm sorry I never got the chance to meet you because Arizona here-" she turned to me and gave me a wide smile, "-tells me you were an awesome guy." Turning back to the tombstone in front of us, she continued. "I'm sure you and I would have gotten along, and if not, at least you have great taste in music."

I studied Callie as she talked to my brother and I felt that lump come to my throat again. She was so beautiful, in every way possible. On the outside as well as the inside, and the knowledge that Tim would never get to meet her made me very sad. In that moment I promised myself that in the future, I would make sure to tell Callie everything there was to know about him.

"Arizona misses you a lot," she said. "But we'll talk about you. So you'll always be with her. Not that she would ever forget you, she loves you way too much for that." She turned to me as a few tears rolled down my cheeks. I closed my eyes as she reached forward and brushed them away with her thumbs. Replacing them with her lips, she kissed my damp skin.

"I love you," I murmured quietly.

Callie smiled at me and then gave me a quick peck on the lips. "Talk to him," she said.

I took a deep, shaky breath. Just thinking about talking to Timothy made my heart sink to the pit of my stomach and my eyes sting with tears. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Sensing my sadness, Callie squeezed my hand hard in both of hers.

"I miss you," I finally said. "So much." The tears rolled unstoppably down my cheeks and my chin quivered as I cried. "I wish I could have helped you. I wish you would've t-told me what was wrong." More tears kept coming like there was no end to them and my face was aching as if there were so much tears that they needed to seep out through my skin.

"I love you," I whispered shakily. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. I'm sorry you felt so bad that you had to..." I trailed off, not able to talk anymore through the crying. I felt like everything was hurting, my whole body was in pain.

I felt Callie's strong but gentle arms wrap around me as she pressed me to her chest. We sat like that for a really long time and she would occasionally kiss my temple and run her hands slowly up and down my back.

"I-I'm so scared he felt alone," I choked out. "And he died alone in there. I wanted to be there for him, what if he felt like I wasn't?"

Callie sighed sadly. "Baby, he loved you. You loved him. He knew. He probably was just so broken from what he had been through that he didn't have the strength to accept help from anyone."

I tried to take in Callie's words and really believe them but it was hard. Truth was, she could only guess. Anyone could only guess. No one knew how he had been feeling those last weeks of his life after coming home from the army. No one would ever know, and I realized I would have to get used to that fact and just hope that he was in a better place now.

"You did your best," Callie added. "That's all anyone would have asked of you. Timothy included."

We stayed in the cemetery for quite some time and I cried for the better part of that time. But afterward it felt better. Callie was constantly there in every way she could, her eyes studying me, her hands and arms holding me until I was done crying. And even as I was done crying, she held me.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

"I'm not sure. Relieved, but strange. I don't know, can't really explain." I really couldn't. There were all these mixed feelings and I didn't really know what they were or why I was having them.

"Don't try to make out what exactly you're feeling," Callie said. "Just let it be the way it is, just let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, even if you don't know what those feelings are. Eventually you'll know."

I sighed, partly because I was tired, partly because I was relieved to have Callie there with me. "Thank you for being here."

"Anytime babe."

After a brief silence, I asked, "Are you ready to see my parents again today?" I looked up at her from my safe place in her arms.

"Yes," she said. "I liked your parents. Are you ready?"

I nodded. "I think so. But first I want to go back to the hotel and rest, 'cause I'm tired and I want you to myself just a little bit longer today."