I got an update for you

Recap: Buffy apologised to Angel for hitting him and the two of them had a little heart to heart before going back to Buffy's to clean Angel up. Whilst cleaning himself up Joyce went to see Angel and told him that if he left again he is never to come back and see Buffy because of how hurt she was when he left the first time. Angel convinced Buffy to spend some time with her mom and friends because they were all worried about her.

Thank you for coming back! I hope you enjoyed the last chapter, I know it was a bit of a filler chapter but I think we got a clear image of where Buffy is right now and how reliant she is on Angel. I'm glad that you have come back for another chapter; I hope you're going to enjoy it.

I have reposted this chapter as there seemed to be a problem with the last upload. People couldn't read it and it wasn't loading on my profile... I hope you can all read and see this chapter now!

Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its original characters do not belong to me

Built Up Walls: Chapter 11: Regrets

Buffy
Dear Liam...

Yesterday was a hard day but Angel got me through it, like he always does, he's the one person I know I can depend on and the one person I can lean on when times get tough. He always knows exactly what I need and yesterday I had a lot of anger bottled up and no way to unload... well until Angel offered. I thought he was crazy but then something snapped in me and I lost it, I started hitting him over and over again. He didn't even fight back, he should've. I really hurt him and busted him up pretty good but he acts like it's not a big deal although it is. I was about to hit him again when I saw his face and what I had done to it and I pulled myself away from him, I just couldn't believe that I had hurt him so bad, he didn't deserve it but he thinks he does.

When Angel was Angelus he was a really bad vampire and actually had a reputation for being one of the cruelest vampires on Earth. He has confided in before that he has raped women before and he has sexually assaulted them too which should make me hate him, especially now after what happened to me but when he was telling me all about it I could see the pain, hurt and sorry he was for everything he did and when he was given his soul in the curse he did everything he could to make things right or at least try to make up for what he had done. Angel would never hurt anyone and it wasn't him really, it was Angelus, they are two completely different people and I can't hold Angel accountable for Angelus' actions.

Yesterday when I was beating him up he was taking that as a kind of punishment for what he had done in the past. Angelus was never brought to justice for his crimes, so Angel believes but getting his soul back and having to feel everything he felt was punishment. Knowing he had destroyed lives and killed families, living with that in your head for eternity was worse than going to prison or getting beaten up in my mind. I guess I will never understand that part of Angel and that's ok but I will just be there for him when he is struggling like he has been there for me the last couple of days. Angel and I might not be together anymore but we will always have each other's back no matter what. I know if don't see Angel for another 20 years, I can call him up for help and he will drop everything to come and help me and I would do the same for him... always.

Angel told me what my mom had told last night in the kitchen and I did laugh when he expressed his fear of my mother. He said he understood why she said what she said, I understand too but she didn't have to tell him that, not after he had just come here to help me. I know Angel is not going to be staying here forever with me and I think I'll be ok when he leaves and after everyone left last night the two of us had a really long talk. I know that he wants me to move on and find someone, preferably a human guy, and live a life worth living but I know there is never going to be another man for me, not like Angel. They say you never really get over your first love and Angel is my first love. He was my first everything and no other man can compete or even come close to him. Even if we both move on with other people, I will always be his girl and he will always be my man.

He promised that he wouldn't be leaving anytime soon and he wouldn't leave until he was sure that I was ok and I had worked through this. I can never express to him how thankful I am that he is here right now because words just don't seem to cover it. He dropped his whole life to come back here the second he knew I was hurt and after the mean things I said to him, the way my mom has treated him and after I beat him up he is still here trying to help me. He is one in a million and I wish he didn't have to leave but I understand why, sort of. I know the two of us had an expiry date on our relationship because he was a vampire and I was human which I planned on staying. We were never going to be together forever but I thought we would have had longer together before we ended things, I thought we would have had the chance the make more memories with one another and experience more things together.

My biggest regret in life to date is not putting my relationship with Angel first. I always made being The Slayer my main priority and I neglected my relationship with Angel a little bit but he still stood by me and worked alongside me to kill vampires, demons and save the world. I just wish I had taken some more time out so we could do more things together other than killing demons and vampires. We never really went on many dates because there was always something in the way. I never should have let that happen, I'm not surprised Angel wanted to break up, he always came second and that wasn't fair to him.

"Are you busy?" I looked up and saw Angel standing in my doorway.

"No," I answered.

I closed my Diary and put on the bedside table as Angel came in, he sat on the end of the bed and put his hand out which I took. He rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand and I felt calm for the first time in a very long time, this was the effect he had on me.

"I was thinking," He started and stopped rubbing the back of my hand which made me nervous "Willow and Xander said that they were going to The Bronze tonight, I was thinking maybe we could go and join them, get out of the house for a little while and see some friends," He suggested.

"The Bronze?" I questioned in fear.

"We don't have to stay long," He said.

"I don't want to go out tonight," I told him "Everything is still too raw, it's only been a few days since it happened and I don't want everyone looking at me like some kind of victim or sad case," I added.

"The police didn't release your name as a victim, no one knows and I know it's still really raw but the longer you leave it the harder it will be to go back there and I don't want that for you. You like going there and seeing your friends, it's a place where you have a lot of good memories," He explained.

"What if he's there?" I asked in a quiet voice.

"Then we'll deal with it... I'll deal with it," He promised.

"I don't know," I sighed and took my hand away from his; I stood from my bed and started pacing "For the first time since I came to Sunnydale I am scared to go out. I am scared in case I see him and he does something to me again, he spiked my drink without me knowing last time, he could easily do it again. He hides in the shadows and doesn't come out until his prey is down-" I was starting to ramble when Angel cut me off.

"I'm going to be there, by your side the whole time. I am not going to let anything happen to you Buffy, I swear," He stood up from the bed, towering over me and stopped me pacing "I'm not going to force you to go if you really don't want to but you're not in any danger, I promise you." He said.

Was it too soon for me to go back there? With Angel, Willow and Xander by my side I'm sure I'll be fine and nothing will happen to me but what if he's there looking for another victim? What do I do when if I see him? Do I call the police, do I go after him or do I let Angel kill him? He hasn't killed a human since getting his soul back but he said he could live with killing him for what he did.

I walked into the Bronze with Angel holding my hand and whispering words of encouragement in my ear, I looked around in panic but no one even batted any eyelid at me which meant they didn't know. That was good. We spotted Willow and Xander already sitting at a table together, Willow waved at us and Angel led us towards the table and I sat down next to Willow. Angel sat down on the other side of me and wrapped an arm around me making me feel safe and secure. Everyone was having a great time, the music was good and people were laughing. No one looked in distress and no girl looked like she was about to pass out. Maybe I was panicking for nothing.

"Do you want a drink Buffy?" Xander asked.

"Just a coke," I replied "Thank you," I added realising how rude I sounded.

"I'll give you a hand." Willow stated and hopped off her seat to follow Xander.

Angel took hold of my hand that was on the table and started rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand like he had done earlier. It was calming but I still felt on edge and I felt like I was being watched, probably my own paranoia. I couldn't help myself but do a scan of the room and upstairs but it didn't seem like anyone was even looking in my direction.

"We can go if you want," Angel whispered.

"I'm ok," I lied.

"You're shaking... Buffy you have nothing to prove. If you're not ready for this we can go. You walking in the door and sitting down is a big step," He told me kindly.

"No... I'm going to stay for a little while." I said.

Angel let go of me and I felt naked but then I realised he was just taking his jacket off. He wrapped it around my shoulders before wrapped his arm around me again and holing my hand on top of the table. I smiled at him and he smiled back, if Angel was here I could do this. I will be fine and I will get home safely when I leave here... nothing is going to happen to me.

Xander and Willow came back to the table and put the drinks down, Xander slid a coke over to me and I just stared at it for a moment... I was drinking this when it was spiked. Maybe I shouldn't, with my free hand I pushed it away from me a little.

"That is what you ordered wasn't it?" Xander asked worriedly.

"Yes but I'm just not thirsty right now," I answered.

"Buffy, do you want to go and dance?" Willow asked.

"No Will... you go on. I'll sit here and watch." I told her.

"That's ok. I'll sit here with you, I feel like we haven't really talked the last few days what with everything going on-"

I'm going to be sick. I got up from the table in a rush and started running outside.

"Buffy!"

I made it outside and ran down the side and puked up behind someone's car... gross.

"Buffy!" Angel called and grabbed hold of my hand "Are you ok?" He asked in panic.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me, I was fine and then I just felt like I was going to puke. It came over of nowhere," I told him.

"Let's go back in and get you some water," He said.

"No," I replied quickly and backed away "I don't want to go in there," I added.

"Ok. We'll go home," He pulled me close to him, wrapping an arm around me "Let's get you home and comfortable," He whispered as we started walking away from The Bronze.

"I'm sorry I ruined the night," I commented.

"You didn't ruin anything and you have nothing to be sorry for." He replied.

I hate this feeling of being weak because it is not me, I am The Slayer for crying out loud! How can one stupid human guy make me feel so scared and weak? He shouldn't be able to have this effect on me, I should be able to fight these feelings and start putting my life back together, and one person shouldn't make me feel like this! I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes and felt ridiculous, what the hell am I crying over? Nothing happened to me and Angel did as he promised, he stayed by my side the whole time and I wasn't in any danger. I tried to blink my tears away before Angel could see them because I didn't want him to see my crying anymore, all he's done since he got here is see me cry.

Will this feeling ever go away? Will I ever have a normal Slayer life again?

Poor Buffy but at least she tried going back there, that was really brave of her. She is one of the strongest women I think we all know. I'm glad Angel is there for her in her hour of need.

Please come back for the next chapter, I am so excited about it and I think you are going to love it. We are FINALLY going to come face to face with Buffy's attacker and we're going to see how she copes with it and what it means for her attacker.

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