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Chapter 26: Erza and Riku's Holiday - Part 2

After my mother has disappeared, Erza kisses me quickly on the cheek and mumbles something about taking a shower. I decide to make myself useful and do the dishes.

As I scrape some of the burned taco filling off the surface of a pan, my mind is somewhere else. We've been over Mystogan and most of what happened at the Tower, even Simon. I feel as if there's a lot more to discuss. Or I just keep telling myself that because otherwise the only thing that's left is Bosco.

As I've said many times, there's no way anyone can know what happened there. No one in Fairy Tail will forgive me for even considering doing your bidding. But if I don't go myself, you will collect me in person, which will put everyone close to me in danger. I have no choice.

Erza acts as if nothing happened in Bosco. She should be questioning me, but she isn't.

This might just be me being dramatic over something that's not really a problem, but the thing is: keeping a secret and being called out for it somehow makes keeping secrets valid. I get a chance to say I'm doing it for the better, not because I'm an awful person. At the moment I just look like a dick for not saying anything about Bosco myself. I was relieved at first, but now it's as if I'm doing it out of spite.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to you. Maybe I'm longing for attention for some reason. Me, out of all people. Or at least a little concern from Erza's side.

By the time the soap water's drained Erza comes back, her hair smelling of raspberries. She's wearing pyjamas and comfy slippers and I find it annoying, because it's quite literally a visualisation of her attitude towards the Bosco trip.

She sits down on the couch and pulls a blanket over her legs. Out of nowhere there's a book in her hand and she's reading some romance novel.

I put the clean dishes back in the cupboards and find myself glaring in her direction every now and then. I tell myself I need to calm down, and think of a lie in case she decides to ask after all.

Before I can really focus however, Erza puts her book away and turns around on the couch. 'There's one more thing.'

I nearly drop a glass. 'What?'

'At the Tower,' she says, and I feel both relief and annoyance, 'there was someone I didn't recognize. Well, I thought I didn't. But over the past few days I've started to put the pieces together. The stranger's face has turned into yours. Does that make sense?'

I put the glass down and throw the dishcloth away, but stay in the kitchen. 'That would be Jellal's doing. It must've worn off afterwards.'

After he died, after he disappeared along with the Tower. After I nearly killed him.

'Yes,' says Erza, 'Simon mentioned that as well.'

Simon himself was able to fight off the spell, or curse. He thought my presence at the Tower made Jellal nervous, or rather that of the flames, yet later on Jellal tried using them to his advantage. Even though that plan failed, the thought of what could've happened if it succeeded still scares me.

'He offered me an escape,' I tell Erza, 'Jellal did, I mean. I could leave and no one would miss me. I could start anew, alone. He tried his best to make it sound appealing, but you know…I couldn't.'

I can tell Erza's only half listening. She's staring out the window into nothingness, thinking. I wait.

'Just now,' she says then, 'the final puzzle piece landed. I remember you being next to me when Simon passed.' She blinks and seems to wake up from whatever had her trail off. 'I don't know about you, but I feel we rushed over everything that happened at the Tower of Heaven. It might be too soon, too fresh to expect everything to heal, but...I think we should talk about it a bit more.'

I feel my stomach tense up, the flames move around. 'I don't know...what more is there to say?'

Erza looks at the book in her hands instead of at me. 'I think I owe you an apology.'

She leaves a silence after that, as if I'm supposed to react, but I have no idea what she means.

'I…' she says then when nothing happens, 'I was willing to give up everything if it meant ending what Jellal had become. And that is in no way fair to you.' She pauses and lifts her chin. 'I'm sorry.'

I draw a blank. There was this moment after arriving at the Tower where we ended up in our former cell, along with Shô. Erza confessed she wasn't planning to live after having dealt with Jellal. She wasn't opposed to dying for that cause and there was nothing I could do to change her mind. And that was not fair to me at all.

I would be gloating, I would be glad with an apology like this, having Erza acknowledge her mistake were it not that I was planning to do the exact same thing. I would go to Bosco, leave everything behind to end things with you. And my case is even worse, because I'm not telling anyone.

Instead of commending Erza for admitting, instead of holding her close like a normal… partner, lover, whatever would, I cross my arms, lean against the counter, probably with the biggest frown on my face.

'Riku?' says Erza. Your dark flames are dancing around my ears. They slipped out again, unnoticed. I wave them off.

Before I can really think about it, I hear myself say: 'I have a favor to ask.'

Instead of being butthurt because I completely seem to ignore her apology, Erza puts her book away and stands up from the couch. 'Anything.'

I'm not sure where to go from here. All I know is that what will come out of my mouth next won't be a lie. I can't do it anymore. 'My mother suspects I'm planning to do something I'll regret. And she's right.'

It becomes even more difficult to narrow it down. The experience in Bosco was just a fever dream altogether. That one moment I stood in your palace, after hearing your voice for the first time in years is a good example. A complete meltdown, unable to even stand on my feet.

I don't know how to explain all that to her.

'There is something I have to do,' I say eventually.

I'm sweating. I watch her face closely, but she's not angry. Just concerned.

'Do you need help with something?' she asks sympathetically, and my chest just hurts because she's so sweet.

'No,' I answer, 'I want to swear an oath. There is something that I have to do and I vow to…' To what? This is a lousy attempt to get out of being honest. It's not as bad as a lie, but not as great as the truth.

Though I have to be honest with myself. What is this really about? I don't want Erza to come to Bosco with me. I don't ever want the two of you meeting.

If I'm completely real with myself about what I wish most of all, I always come back to the same thing: a normal life. In the case of the Bosco dilemma, that means an after.

'I swear to return to you after it's done,' I say. 'I vow to not do anything I will regret. I promise to come back to you, no matter what.'

That's it. If I beat you and live afterwards, I will not only overcome you, but also myself.

Erza slowly walks over to me, her face puzzled. 'And I just have to assume you won't tell me what it is you have to do?'

'You wouldn't let me leave, which will put everyone we know in danger.' As soon as I've said it I question whether I've said too much. Erza's expression does worsen further into worry.

'That sounds dangerous.' She's now standing still in front of me, arms protectively over her stomach. She tends to do that whenever she feels uncomfortable. 'But not surprising. This has to do with Bosco, right?'

'Yes.' There's no point in hiding that. Before I can ask how she knows, she explains so herself.

'The monster from Bosco sent us a message when you came back from the forest.'

Your mud creature. Your loyal servant had my back.

'Oh,' I say, 'what did it say?'

Erza smiles slightly. 'It said you were a prince, destined to save the kingdom. It asked us to let you go, so you could get rid of the evil Emperor. Because you're the only one who can.'

I'm stunned. I try remembering whether the mud creature mentioned you by anything else besides "master" or "Emperor". It might not have known your real name (or the one you go by nowadays anyway).

'That's...true,' I say then, just to fill the air, 'the Emperor is...a user of the same kind of magic.'

That is not a lie, I tell myself. That is not a lie. I'm not lying.

Erza tilts her head slightly to one side. 'Were you really planning to carry this burden all by yourself? Saving a kingdom on your own?'

The whole vow I just took seems stupid now. Erza is on to me for sure. Natsu, Gray, Lucy, Happy and she knew they would return with me to Bosco from the moment I landed back on the cliff. Erza and Gray probably suspected I'd keep all of it to myself and instructed the others not to pressure me about what I did to get Gray and Natsu's magic back. All of them knew what I was hiding (sort of) and pretended it wasn't a big deal.

But now the jig is up. The secret, aside from your involvement, is out.

I don't answer Erza's question, so she does. 'Of course you were.'

'You can't come to Bosco,' I snap, and my voice sounds louder than intended. It's because I'm panicking a little. 'It's too dangerous. I was only able to get to the capital because the Emperor wanted me to.' I hesitate, because I realize I can use this bit to slightly adjust the truth. 'Because I'm the prince. Ancient blood relation, something like that. That's how he recognizes me. You guys can't go in. He'll know something's up. We can't risk it.'

'That shouldn't matter when it's war,' Erza replies coldly, 'and the most trouble we ran into had to do with the mud monster, but it's clearly on our side. It could-'

'No!'

It's out before I realize it. A stern, hard "no", along with a whole bunch of flames. They're everywhere; my arms, my chest, my face. Erza has to take a step back to not get burned.

'Shit, sorry,' I say quickly, but it gets lost between my deep breaths in as I force the flames back inside. 'I...I don't know. Sorry.'

Erza doesn't look surprised or mad. She says: 'You're stressed. That's why they come out so easily.'

Of course it's that. Mystogan already said it: too many emotions makes me lose focus. But honestly, staying focused all the time is tiresome. Erza talks as if I'm doing something wrong. As if I'm not trying every damn day to restrain your stupid magic.

'Well, I'm royalty,' I say, almost cynical, 'heavy is the head that wears the crown.'

And from this point on it just gets worse.

'You can't keep going like this. You're not doing this alone.'

'I don't have a choice.'

'You do.'

I can't look at her when she's like this. On a good day I would admire her determination, now it just comes off as stubbornness. I move away, go around the dinner table and turn my back to her. 'So what's your big idea? Gather an army and get killed before we reach the palace?'

'Wait,' she says then, and I'm not sure if that's because I'm walking. 'You said the Emperor uses the same magic as you. Do you mean like the flames, or your mother's?'

'It's dark magic,' I say quickly, 'just dark magic. Stuff I can absorb.'

'Is that your plan?'

'I don't have a plan.'

'Riku!'

I turn around swiftly, and I'm kinda furious. 'What, Erza? What do you want me to say? I've only found out about this whole shenanigans yesterday, just like you! Between saving Natsu and Gray, going shopping and talking about the screwed up mess that is our childhood I haven't exactly had the time to come up with a strategy!'

By the end I'm basically screaming.

'Then let me help you!' Erza says at the same volume. 'You can't just expect me to sit back and wait for you to come home just because you promised me!'

I go again. 'This is why I didn't tell you!'

'You can't decide this on your own! We're in this together, remember?!'

'You're not listening! You can't go to Bosco, you'll be either killed or cursed or worse!'

'No, you're not listening! This is exactly why we can't-' She stops herself, but any idiot knows what she means. And she is right.

We will never work things out. Anytime we're happy together is a moment of bliss just because we both want it so bad. We want it to be real, and maybe it feels that way when we're shopping, when we eat strawberry cake on a bench in front of a fountain. We need each other, we know that. But maybe not like this.

That's what I was thinking at the time and she probably thought it too. And it hurt. We've been on and off for years, but this "off" was by far the worst.

I leave the house in silence. I don't even bother to put on a coat or shoes. The mountaintop is a cold and windy place to be at night, but I barely feel it. In fact, my skin is burning. And I let it.

I go up further, the pine trees around me get smaller and smaller. With every step I feel a ball of fire growing in my throat. When I sense I can no longer hold it in, I open my mouth and roar.

Why am I so pathetic? Why am I like this? Why am I this person?

I shouldn't have gone along with the Bosco Fairy Tail Adventure in the first place. I shouldn't have returned to the guild after the Tower of Heaven collapsed. I should've left the guild forever when I was fourteen, turn the two year training session into one that lasted forever. I shouldn't have joined Fairy Tail, I should've escaped the Tower of Heaven alone when I was eight. I should've never taken Erza's hand that day on the road.

I should've died with my parents a hundred years ago.

The roar ends. A big chunk of mountain has burned away. I do feel a little bit better. Most of the tension has left me and instead my body feels like jello. My knees tremble beneath me, my head's spinning. I let myself half fall-half sit down on the nearest rock and look at the dark grass between my bare feet.

Just a side note: I'm going to assume you don't give a damn about any of this relationship stuff, so I won't bother telling you about every time Erza and I argued. This is just one example, and after this one it never got as bad. Not to spoil anything, but you could've guessed we made up based on what I've told you about this past year already.

Every time we fight I wonder if it's worth it. Maybe we can't fix it. Maybe we've let things rot for too long. Maybe it's too late.

But when I think back to that night in the lake, or that time on the cliff of Bosco, it makes sense.

As I sit on a rock on a lonely mountain at night, I know I have to go back to the house at some point, but I can't remember how to move. The dizziness becomes stronger and is then joined by a warmness I know all too well. I manage to lift my head and see my mother standing in the dark grass. And she's not happy.

'You're out of control,' she says. 'A lot. The fire is dying out, but I can't stop it from escaping if you let it take over so easily.'

'I know,' I sigh, and lower my head again. 'Sorry.'

'What's the matter? And don't lie to me. I know you're up to something.'

Thanks to you, I've never really had the experience of what it's like to have a mother. Master Makarov did his best to parent the children in the guild, so I know how it feels to get scolded or to disappoint the person that takes care of you.

But this is my actual mom, or at least something that comes closer to it than anything else. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't lie to her. Or it.

So I start spilling everything. I tell her exactly what happened in Bosco, even named you the way she knows you. I talk about the fight with Erza and wrap it up by saying I have no idea what to do next. Not about Erza or about you.

After I'm done my mother initially stays quiet. I dare to look up just to see if I can read anything off her face. Is she mad, disappointed?

She just looks sad.

She kneels down beside me, her golden dress lighting up the grass around her. She lays one warm hand on my knee.

'You've given yourself an impossible task,' she says, 'that monster has lived for centuries, you won't find a way to defeat him in less than a year. You'll be making that girl a promise you can't keep.'

That's probably the main reason Erza's furious with me. Even without having heard the full story, she knew.

I turn my attention back to the grass. 'But I have to try.'

My mother's hand on my knee becomes warmer, as if to give off a similar sensation as an encouraging squeeze. 'Riku, you can't do this alone.'

'But I have you, right?' Even as I say it I know it won't be enough. My mother's magic is to protect, not to fight.

'I can only do so much,' she says, 'you need others.'

'No,' I reply, and I feel my anger from before slightly returning, 'that's not an option. He'll know. He'll kill her.'

For some reason, my mother chuckles. 'You really are not listening.'

I look up, a bit annoyed. 'What?'

'She doesn't have to be on the battlefield with you,' she explains, 'I think you're right when you say you're the only one who can fight him. You really can if you figure out how.' With her a finger on her other hand she softly touches the tip of my nose. 'That's where you need help.'

I consider this. So far I haven't come up with any plans to beat you. Thinking I could spent this final year in ignorance, only creating good memories I will forget as soon as I cross the borders of Bosco, was stupid. What I should be doing is training, preparing for the biggest fight of my life. And if that doesn't sound like a job for Erza, I don't know what does.

The thing about making good memories still stands. I will not waste this final year, I just have to find another way.

'A compromis,' I say to my mother.

'Yes.' She pauses. 'Your father used to do this a lot in the beginning.'

'Do what?'

She smiles sadly. 'Thinking he could carry the entire world on his shoulders. There's nothing wrong with trying to protect people. It does feel easier to solve everything by yourself, doesn't it?' My mother pushes a few hairs that have gotten loose out of the stupid ponytail from my face. 'Once you have people caring for you a portion of your problems aren't just your own anymore.'

Two memories come back to me at the same time: master Makarov telling me he was sorry to have watched me suffer in silence and Erza half screaming at me tonight; We're in this together, remember?!

So cheesy, yet so true. If I really wanted to suffer alone I would've never joined the guild.

I groan and curse at myself.

'What is it?' asks my mother.

I always think I have it. The final conclusion. The final mystery, the last box unlocked. I always think I've found the solution. Hide what you are, but allow yourself to have friends. Open up to the guild, have a laugh, but keep your distance. Pretend you're alright. Try to fix your relationship by lying. Make good memories for when you're dead.

I'm never quite there yet.

'I'm just an idiot,' I sigh.

This might be hard for you to understand, but I'll say it anyway: caring about other people is the most stressful thing I've ever experienced but at the same time I won't stop doing it. It's what saved me from your flames, and now it will have to save me again.

My mother sort of pats my knee. 'Well, things haven't exactly been easy for you.'

Though I've whined about my life to you, I rarely do so with other people, so it feels good to hear someone else say it.

Then my mother stands up. Though her mouth doesn't move, the intensity is there with what she says next. 'Let this be the final time you consider doing something as rash as sacrificing yourself. I may not have the strength to protect you completely, but I will not let you die a useless death as long as I can watch over you. Understood?'

This is the kind of scolding one should get from a mother. I won't lie: it was pretty scary. I couldn't even reply, I just nodded.

'Good,' she says then. 'Now get some flowers for your girl.'

Picking flowers on the side of a mountain at night wasn't great, though I doubt I would've done a better job in daylight. I just grabbed the ones that smelled the nicest.

When I return to the house all the lights are off. The front door is also locked, and the glass slide doors are bolted from the inside. The bedroom window, however, is open.

I sigh and consider using wings to go up there, but that somehow feels wrong.

'Erza,' I shout upwards. With my sharp ears I hear her moving around in the bed. Maybe she's sitting up, which means she's at least listening to what I have to say.

Though I'm not sure how to start. I look at the flowers in my hand and realize Erza won't really care for them. My mother might've thought it was a good idea, it might've helped her forgive my dad each time he acted like an idiot, but Erza's not like that. And the problem we have runs much, much deeper.

Still, I hold on to the flowers a little longer. 'You were right. There is something that keeps us from working out, and it's mostly coming from my side. I'm sorry.'

There's no answer, but I do hear her tiptoeing around. I half expect her to just throw all my newly bought clothes through the window, like I've seen happening a million times in Magnolia when someone pissed off their partner.

'The Bosco-thing is just very complicated,' I say then, 'the battle is mine to fight, no matter what.' I pause. Still nothing. 'But I have a proposal.'

I start explaining what I thought of while walking back to the house. Together with Erza I will think of a plan to beat you. Together with anyone who already knows, which would mean Gray, Natsu, Lucy and Happy. Whatever it takes.

After I'm done I wait. I can tell she's standing still by the window. I hear her take a breath. Instead of replying to my idea, she says: 'It's not just coming from you. I'm doing it too, thinking I know best. That's just how we are.'

Little old us. Making decisions for each other, not taking account of the other person's feelings.

'We're pretty selfish,' I say. I hear her chuckle softly.

'I guess so.'

A short silence follows. Then I hear her feet on the creaky floor. Next she appears in the window, leaning on the sill. 'You brought flowers.'

I hold them up, as if that will make them look better. The moon is out tonight, though she's not very bright and that doesn't boat well for the poor flowers. 'Y-yeah. My mom said that might help.'

'Sweet.' She smiles slightly. 'We can be very cute sometimes.' She looks at me a little while longer and then disappears. For a heartbeat I'm scared I might've screwed up somewhere, then I hear her footsteps going down the stairs.

Through the small window in the front door I see a light in the hallway turn on. The door opens. Erza leans against the frame. I stay where I am, holding on to the flowers for dear life.

'I accept your proposal,' she says then, 'I will make sure you can keep that promise.'

I feel the last of the tension I've had since the fight disappear. 'That's...good. I mean...thank you.'

She walks back into the house, leaving the door open. I wait before I follow, wondering whether I should take the flowers in. I look at them one last time and then toss them aside.

My relationship with Erza is...turbulent, to say the least, and it will probably remain that way forever, but we always made sure to have it sorted out enough to not go to bed angry.

This time we did that by drinking hot chocolate milk, wrapped in blankets on the sofa. When our mugs are empty we lay there a little while longer, my head on Erza's lap and her stroking my hair.

I stare at the ceiling, dozing off. I'm tired in every cell of my body and my head feels too heavy to lift.

My outlook on this final year has shifted so much over the past few days. Suddenly there's so much to do and right now, I'm not sure I have the energy for it.

'I wish we could stay here forever,' I say to Erza. 'Or at least a month or two.'

'Me too. But we can always come back after we've found Mystogan. He'll probably need a place to stay, right?'

I turn my head so I can look at her. 'You sure you're OK with that?'

'I am. From what you've told me he's as bad in letting people in as you and me, so we'd make a great team.'

'Ouch.' But it did make me laugh.

Being reminded of Mystogan plants an idea in my head. Erza's joke might be brilliant, actually. I will need Mystogan around this final year. Besides my mother he's the only one I can share the whole truth with. I know Mystogan won't try to accompany me in my fight with you.

Erza taps my forehead with her hand. 'Hey. Where are you?'

I must've been lost in thought. 'Sorry. I was just admiring how smart you are.'

She sorta snorts. 'Stop it.'

'No, I'm serious. Mystogan knows more about spell creation than anyone...probably in the world. He needs to be involved.'

'Oh,' Erza says, 'that is a good idea.' Before I can say anything else about how amazing Mystogan is, she leans forward. 'But for tonight it's still just us.' And she kisses me.