A/N: This story starts at the end of Season 11 just after Derek is killed, starting March-April 2015 and is Meredith's journey after losing her soulmate. She chooses to stay and not run away.

Enjoy.

"The best gift I ever got was for Christmas when I was ten – my very first suture kit. I used it until my fingers bled and then I tried to use it to stitch up my fingers. It put me on the path to becoming a surgeon. My point is, sometimes the best gifts come in really surprising packages. Everyday we get to give the gift of life. It can be painful, it can be terrifying, but in the end it's worth it, every time. We all have the opportunity to give. Maybe the gifts are not as dramatic as what happens in the operating room. Maybe the gift is to try and make a simple apology. Maybe it's to understand another person's point of view. Maybe it's to hold a secret for a friend. The joy supposedly is in the giving, so when the joy is gone, when the giving starts to feel more like a burden, that's when you stop. But if you're like most people I know, you give till it hurts, and then you give some more." - Meredith Grey

"Mommy!"

"Zola can you keep it down? Lexie is sleeping," Meredith says coming out of the nursery.

"Sorry mommy. When is Santa coming?"

"5 more sleeps. Are you excited?"

"Yes. I love Christmas."

"Mommy, why can't daddy be here for Christmas?"

"ZoZo, let's go talk on your bed," Meredith says as she fights back tears. This is the first Christmas without Derek. Last Christmas Derek had flown in for a couple days, and this year he's not here at all. Zola still asked questions about her Daddy. Bailey was too young. He was just happy to cuddle with anyone.

Laying down beside Zola on her bed, Meredith talked to Zola about how daddy got hurt and how his body was too injured to be healed and that he had died. They talked about Christmas the previous year and how Zola had to wait until the night before Christmas before Derek had made it home. "Sorry ZoZo, Daddy won't be home this year."

Christmas Eve

Owen, Alex and Meredith were off on Christmas Eve so they were cleaning the house and ensuring everything was ready for the festivities on Christmas Day. Amelia was at work. Maggie was in Boston with her parents for Christmas. Richard, Catherine, Jackson and April spent Christmas Eve together. Sophia, Arizona and Callie spent a quiet evening at home. Evelyn, Owen's mom had invited Meredith and kids, Alex, Amelia and Owen to an early dinner at her place. Evelyn had decided that Meredith's kids needed a grandmother and she would be the one. She didn't have any grandchildren of her own and she'd come to love and respect Meredith. Evelyn was alone. Her husband had passed away 20 years ago and her daughter, Megan, was MIA in Iraq.

After dinner Bailey and Zola sat under the Christmas tree while Evelyn told them the story of Father Christmas and read 'twas the Night Before Christmas. Owen told them the story of when he was a kid and how he would get a special present on Christmas Eve at his Nana's house. Evelyn got up and handed them one present each to open. The kids each got a new pair of pyjamas and Owen took them to put on their special winter pyjamas. Evelyn and Owen were so happy to share the tradition and Meredith and Alex looked in awe, knowing neither of them had any family traditions.

"Thank you for including us in this tradition. It means so much," Meredith said giving Evelyn a hug.

"They are special kids. And you are an amazing mom. You've been through so much, not just this year, but in past years. You've been a great friend to Owen," Evelyn said still hugging Meredith.

With the 3 kids in new pyjamas and it approaching bedtime, Alex and Meredith headed home while Owen and Amelia took Evelyn to the Christmas Eve service at her church.

Christmas Day

Like so many holidays, everyone was going to congregate at the Grey-Shepard house. April and Jackson were planning on coming over early so they could spend the morning with the kids and get the turkey in the oven. April wouldn't chance Meredith cooking Christmas dinner.

Zola was super excited about Christmas this year. What 4 (almost 5) year old wouldn't be excited. Owen, Jackson and Alex had gotten the kids a playhouse and had it assembled and had installed it after dark on Christmas Eve. The damp but warm December morning was great for the kids to head outside to play in the new playhouse.

Meredith sat nursing Lexie while watching everyone around her. Her friends, her family. When she'd moved to Seattle, the only family she'd had was her mom who didn't remember her. She'd lost so much since coming to Seattle – her mom, Susan, George, Izzie, Lexie, Mark, Derek. But gained so much more in Seattle. Those closest included her kids Zola, Bailey, and Lexie, her sisters Amy and Maggie, and her person, her best friend, Alex. Her family circle also included Richard, Owen, Miranda, Jackson, April, Callie, Arizona and Sophia. And more recently Jackson's mom Catherine, and Owen's mom Evelyn.

By lunchtime all her family and friends arrived at her house for Christmas. She felt some much less lonely right now. Her family was around her. She was glad she didn't run. She was here with her family.

Meredith's Journal: Week of Dec 24th

I survived. The first Christmas without Derek. It was tough. But I was surrounded by those who love me. I have to admit I leaned on Amelia and Alex to get through. I didn't want to get out of bed many days. It was too tough. Zola kept asking about Daddy, and if Santa could bring him back. Amelia and I were in tears when she asked. Thankfully all of us had experience without our dads and were able to explain that Daddy couldn't come back.

My kids gained a Nana this year. So they have 2. We did call Carolyn in New York on Christmas Day. She was polite and loved talking to the kids. I wish things were easier with her, but she has to deal with her own grief. Owen's mother has been amazing this past year. But I didn't really expect her to step into a grandmother role, but she has stepped into the role so nicely. She loves both Amy and I, and adores the kids.

I still miss Derek, Mark & Lexie.

Alex is my person. My best friend. My co-worker. My strength. My love.