chapter nine: spotlight
Staring at the mirror inside her locker door for a solid minute proved futile as Anna found herself still unsatisfied with how she looked.
There was nothing out of the usual about her appearance. Her hair was in the tight ponytail she always wore during work, face with just a light dusting of makeup. The navy blue scrubs she had on stopped being new two months after she was employed, the name of the hospital sitting on her left chest familiar enough that Anna could imitate the lettering it was embroidered in even if she was asleep.
But that was the problem. Nothing was out of the usual with her getup, yes, but it only took now for Anna to realise that holy hell, she looked boring. Uninteresting, not in the least eye-catching, just mind-numbingly boring.
Anna slammed the metal door with a groan, the action strong enough she felt something falling inside her locker reverberate in her hand. She couldn't help but feel jealous of the numerous psychiatric hospitals which allowed their nurses to wear anything they wanted. The No Uniform policy sounded so good to her right now.
Lacking a distinct style never bothered Anna before, and at the back of her mind, she knew it had to do with her new platinum-haired patient. She felt as conscious as a teenaged girl going on her first date and it was not funny.
She wasn't there for a date. Anna was there to monitor and care for a patient who had suffered tremendously, with a disorder that distorted her sense of self. Thinking about that was enough for her nerves to calm down, but also caused them to flare up almost instantaneously.
Nothing about this was about her. This was about Elizabeth Arendelle, a person with DID and multiple personalities, the singer behind mosaicxrecord… her probable childhood friend, her long-distance crush.
The person who'd been stuck in her mind for days even before she got admitted to the hospital.
Smoothing out her clothes and jogging in place, Anna huffed, warming herself up before she exited the locker room, clearing her thoughts.
You can do this, Anna. You were born ready!
And so Anna trotted upon the door… only to deflate once she stepped out to the halls.
Damn it! Her conversation with Gran Pabbie that morning played in her head. Anna had come in earlier than she was supposed to, knowing his briefing wasn't over yet but now that it was over with, her brain cluttered up faster than she could organise her thoughts.
Spending her spontaneous off day dating Colin A. Ross in the afternoon as she read Dissociative Identity Disorder: Diagnosis, Clinical Features and Treatment of Multiple Personality and her night-time mulling over The Dissociative Mind, Anna was sure she'd had enough of reading for at least ten months.
And she hadn't even finished both books yet. There was one left untouched. She gave up, succumbing to her tears and a third panic attack of the day and slept uncomfortably through the night.
She remembered Doctor Pablo telling her to keep a vigilant eye on switches and especially on the personalities' behaviour. With a quiet sigh, he pointed to his records – now hers, too – and said, "You are here to help fill in the blanks. It's quite bare, isn't it?"
Anna wondered if it would be too late to quit now. Not that she would. But it was nice to entertain the thought for a second as she passed the silent halls. Peeping into the window by the door, she saw that Ian was up already.
Coming in with a knock, the explanation she gave of the sudden changes was met with sad eyes and a gloomy nod. Anna assured him that he'd still see her and she was only a few steps away in the morning. That made him look slightly better as his new nurse Ralph (unsurprisingly) entered the room with a gentle smile.
Ian looked happy to see him if his lit-up face was anything to go by.
"I was a bit worried that he won't be fine with you," Anna confessed, sparing the black-haired boy a glance as they left the room for a moment. "You kinda have the same built as…"
"As his brother, yeah," he finished for her, "but he responded well to me. Hopefully, it'll continue like that."
"Did Gran Pabbie also give you the long-ass speech before assigning you to him?"
Ralph let out a throaty laugh, sending her an innocent shake of the head. "Not really. He gave me your notes, though, so thanks for that." He gave her a once over. "You feeling better now?"
"Yeah," Anna chuckled. "You took care of Ms. Arendelle yesterday, right?"
"Mhmm. She was… asleep the whole time… I think I talked to a guy named Seven, but aside from eating, she… um… he? Uhm… they didn't do much."
"Was it the fatigue?" Anna asked, smiling considerately at the man who was getting his pronouns mixed up.
Ralph pursed his lips, nodding, "I handled a DID patient before, during my practicum days on Warwickshire."
Oh? Anna didn't know that. Maybe he really was a better suit than Mrs. Megara for Doctor Pabbie. She would have to ask him for advice next time.
Ralph turned his head to the side with a frown. "I think she's experiencing rapid switches, maybe that's why… the body is so tired. I asked Seven this afternoon. He said that he felt really dizzy and that his head ached like a bull." He sniggered at that. "I like that guy."
"Same," Anna laughed as she patted Ralph on the back goodbye, spinning on her heels to Merida's room.
Merida handled her head's up better than Ian. In fact, she was more excited to have a new nurse who could talk to her about sports and archery and baseball. Ralph really was getting a warm reception from his new patients.
Which made this easier. At least now, Anna could focus on thinking about her new charge. Not that she wasn't already, her past day filled with aimless thinking about her… them. Whatever.
Anna cracked her fingers as she stretched, staring at the white-painted door of room 031. With a deep breath, she knocked, swinging it open slowly when she didn't receive an answer.
The blonde was still sleeping.
Wearing a brown cotton jacket, her patient laid supine on the bed. Curiously, she (Anna sighed and shook her head) – they were wearing loose shorts. The blanket on the floor so the cold, if they were feeling it, wasn't fended off quite well.
Middleton Psychiatric allowed its patients to dress in everyday clothes, requiring that the staff would have to go through it first, of course, and it made for a sense of normalcy. Some patients were not permitted to wear long articles of clothing, though, like long-sleeved shirts or pyjamas, and it relieved Anna that the blonde didn't have that restriction.
The implication was comforting.
Gran Pabbie's treatment plan had been detailed and comprehensive at the same time. Anna stared at the sleeping form for a moment before she realised that she left her clipboard on the nurse's station as she logged in.
Wonderful. Anna rolled her eyes at herself.
Thank God she hadn't woken up the blonde yet. Closing the door after her, Anna jogged to the other side of the hospital for it. Mrs. Megara was sat behind the desk this time and Anna was given a reprimanding scowl as she picked her forgotten notes. She offered her a guilty smile and booked it out of there in no time. Once she was back in Elizabeth's room, the redhead was expecting them to still be asleep but when she opened the door and there was no Elizabeth on the bed, her body went alive in alarm.
The forsaken blanket was still on the floor. Anna touched the bed.
It was still warm.
Peeking underneath the bed and spinning around the room showed no signs of the blonde and Anna hurriedly went back out, already forgetting about where she dropped her clipboard. She didn't care, looking around as she thought about going back in the lobby to page Doctor Waldo.
Shit sticks. It was just her first day with Elizabeth and she's already sweaty and out-of-breath. Anna expected this to be hard but not enough for her to be missing her patient within the first fucking hour. Walking out to the gardens, Anna scanned the place down before going back in dejectedly. Where could they be?
Whoever it was in the body, that is.
Anna had never thought she'd be experiencing panic attacks even while at work because of Elizabeth, but frankly, it was what's happening. Their date on Keaton's was actually a good day, but she guessed it'd be the best of the times that she would ever spend with the blonde.
She didn't even really know who Elizabeth really was. She knew El, at least that's what she told herself, and Seven, but the others were a mystery.
The nurse had a chance to solve it, a chance to know more as her eyes caught brown in the empty canteen. Anna almost collapsed on the spot, happy to see the blonde sitting on one of the chairs, their back against the nurse. Walking towards them, Anna stopped a couple of steps away with a greeting.
"Hello," she panted as blue eyes roamed to hers. Anna felt her throat clamp up because she didn't receive a response, only a bored once-over as the blonde returned to tapping their fingers on the table with their head resting in their right hand.
This was obviously not El or Seven. Anna felt awkward, as if she approaching a stranger out-of-nowhere. Clearing her throat kindly, she smiled. "I…I'm Anna. Your, uhm, private nurse during your stay here?"
Seemingly interested, the blonde hummed, staring her hard in the face and Anna could feel every single one of her freckles pop out as she paled under the scrutiny she was receiving.
Whoever this was probably liked what they saw as a smile graced their lips. It was startling how different it was from El's and Seven's. This one's more… well… immodest, superficial. It curled at the edges, a celebrity's smile she could see on TV, and it reminded her of a bitchy runway model.
Anna couldn't believe she just called someone a bitch just because of their smile but there was no more apt word to use.
"You don't look so bad," the blonde commented, clicking her tongue as she smirked, "Maybe you'd look better with more makeup on, though."
Anna didn't know if she should feel offended, and so she just focused on the tone of the blonde, a little higher pitched than the two she knew and a little… squeaky. A shrill laugh brought Anna back in front of her. She jumped, reminded of a teenage drama queen's amused laughter.
Wait a minute…
"It's just a joke," she giggled with a roll of the eyes when Anna didn't answer right away. "Don't look so sad."
Anna wasn't sad. She was busy thinking about the records that she read earlier today. Could it be Beth? She's ageless – whatever that meant – right?
Blue eyes watched her through thick lashes, smile not fading as she waited for a response. "Are you going to say something–" the blonde drawled as her head leaned to the right, "–Nurse Anna?"
No... she's definitely using an intimidation tactic teenagers think works… teenager… who could you be?
Anna lit up in an instant, snapping a hand in front of her. Right!
"Are you Lilly?"
That brought upon a change to the blonde's face. Her smile looked more genuine now, eyes twinkling as her mouth opened in delight. "Oh. My. God. You know me!"
The squeal she let out made Anna chuckle. Lilly held her hands out in excitement and the auburn-haired woman held them in hers.
"Oh God, you have no idea how happy I am," she told her eagerly, waving a hand in her face as she fanned the non-existent tears in her eyes. "Nobody had ever called me that before!" Lilly blinked, her smile falling flat. "Except that sleazy looking doctor the other day. And Jack." She brought back her bright smile. "But it's okay now that you know me. Ahh!"
This was really a curious thing. Here Elizabeth was, a person Anna had seen on more than one occasion, but as she observed the blonde right at that moment, she knew that she'd never met this person before.
It was bizarre. Disbelief still nibbled at her. Anna didn't know what to think seeing this first-hand, the huge changes that were hard to miss blatantly telling of the oddity of their situation. Lilly talked different. Anna never thought she'd hear Elizabeth talk like an overexcited sassy young lady, but here she was, so different, but still very much the same.
It was a switch in the consciousness and now Lilly stood before her, appreciating the fact that somebody had acknowledged her existence. Her grin was brighter and open as she ushered for Anna to sit beside her with short, quick motions.
Anna regretted implying she was a bitch.
"I like you already," Lilly confessed and rolled her eyes again with an apologetic grin. "And I think you're pretty… but you'd look better with makeup!"
Her eye twitched, smile falling slightly as her temper was poked once again, but the blonde looked happy, like really happy as she started going on about good makeup styles that would flatter Anna best. She had to force herself not to show her incredulousness, nodding at her dumbly.
It was the thought that counts, Anna thought, as she listened to the girl's rambling.
"Ooh, I know," she paused as she squinted her eyes at Anna, hand hovering before her face. "Warm colours would suit your eyes best, but not the cheap ones 'cause it's not going to be that pretty, but yeah, warmer colours. Like brown, maybe gold but not the yellowish one. Burgundy red as eyeshadow would look really good on your eyes, though. It would pop more, especially with your hair." Fingers treaded over Anna's ponytail, much to the redhead's amusement. "I love your hair colour! It's not bright orange like a cat's but a more of a… rich, deeper one. I've never seen anyone with this hair before. Maybe that's why I think you're so pretty." Anna giggled at that. Lilly sighed dreamily, "If only I have hair like that, I'd be walking Victoria's Secret."
"But you can, even right now," Anna found herself saying. The blonde hummed, interested. "I mean, have you seen yourself? You look gorgeous. You don't even need makeup! You could easily push Cara Delevingne off the catwalk."
Lilly giggled at that, flattered by what she heard as she brushed her hair out of her face. Blonde bangs came right back as she fiddled with strands of platinum. Biting her lips as she smiled, Lilly exclaimed, "Oh, thank you! I'd never gotten a compliment like that before."
Anna didn't know if she was being coy or telling the truth, but it was surprising since that was the first thing she noticed when meeting her at Myer's. She nodded at Lilly, chastising herself that no, this was not the person she met at the café.
This was a different one.
"Well, I'm not pulling your leg. You really are beautiful," Anna admitted, cheeks reddening slightly.
Lilly smiled wider, shyer as she poked a tongue on the inside of her cheek. "Thank you~"
Anna had definitely got through to Lilly as she received a warm smile from her. She was about to celebrate her victory internally when the doors to the kitchens opened, food carts being wheeled by nurse aides and kitchen staff rolling out in batches.
That reminded her…
"Lilly," Anna said as she jutted a thumb out, "Food's already being served. Let's go back to your room now, okay? So you can have breakfast."
Making a face, Lilly shook her hands in front of her. "Ew, hospital food."
"It isn't bad at all," she reassured her softly. Lilly hummed noncommittally. "Do you have any requests, then?"
Lilly turned to her fully, mouthing, "Black. Coffee."
Anna wasn't expecting that from a teenage girl but she nodded. "Okay, what about anything that could fill you up better? Toast? Eggs and bacon?"
"Isn't this a hospital?" the blonde asked. "Why are you making it sound like a bed-and-breakfast?"
Shrugging, Anna said, "The patients love them. And we want to make it as if they're right at home. So? What would you like?"
"Black coffee. Or strong tea."
"I can pull some strings for you," she nodded at Lilly once again. "But you also have to eat something else for breakfast."
Lilly scoffed. "But why?"
Anna considered telling the truth. The blonde looked like she'd appreciate being told the truth. Licking her lips, she explained, "Well, taking medicine on an empty stomach is unadvisable as your new ones are quite stronger than what you had before. To prevent side-effects, you should eat something hearty first."
It wasn't a lie. Anna had seen the blonde's previous medications and they were significantly lower than what was prescribed now. She didn't know the whole reason why the blonde was there yet – only that she was experiencing more difficulty with everyday life – but she was sure it wasn't good.
Anna would know in time. She had a month left after all.
"Ugh," Lilly grumbled. "If I eat, like, right now then Seven would definitely snatch the front seat, again."
"Is that a bad thing?" Anna asked innocently.
Lilly shook her head with a sigh. "No, not really, but he's got a tight grip on the front, for like, so long and refuses to share the stage. I don't know when I'll get to come out again."
This time, there was no haughtiness in Lilly's eyes. There's just sad contemplation, a confession that she knew would hold true over and over again. Anna felt bad for her, thinking about never having the chance to do what she wanted entailed a distinct kind of sadness.
Anna had read about alters feeling constrained when she was doing her assignment and she could see that through on Lilly's frown. Blue eyes looked at her with a silent plea.
She didn't know what they were saying.
"Okay," Anna sighed. "I'll get you your black coffee but…"
Lilly waited for her condition. Anna couldn't help but pat herself for being so good at bribing her patients.
"But…?"
Anna smiled widely. "But you have to do my makeup for me the next time you can."
Lilly wasn't expecting that. Anna herself wasn't in any need of that, too, but she figured that it would make the forlornness in those blue eyes disappear. The blonde's lip shook before spreading widely, the ends of her lips pressed tight as she agreed to that clause. "Of course!"
One way or the other, Anna succeeded in pulling Lilly back into room 031. Sending a little request as they passed by Mr. Warren, the blonde was appeased as she lied down on the bed.
"Can I ask you a question?"
"What kind of question?" Lilly shot back at her with a raised eyebrow.
Picking up her wayward clipboard, Anna checked their agenda for the day with a bemused smile at the blonde. "What were you doing at the canteen earlier?"
"Oh that. Well, this room's a bit boring," Lilly told her bluntly. "Boring wall, boring curtains, boring bed." She sat up and checked the shelf, mussing up the things resting on it. "Boring books, boring toys, boring…" Blue eyes strayed to the nurse. Anna was suddenly too conscious, expecting herself to be the next boring thing. Unexpectedly, Lilly beamed at her. "Well, you're here now," she breathed cheerfully. "At least there's one interesting thing here with me."
That was a huge relief. The fear of being boring left Anna as soon as she heard Lilly's comment. Laughing softly, she sat on the grey sofa, the blonde walking towards her almost immediately.
"So, Nurse Anna," she started with a smile, "Do you, by any chance, know that tall Asian guy we bumped to on our way here?"
"Who? Mr. Warren?" Anna inquired with a curious gaze, sparing her notes a glance and plucking the pen tucked in the clipboard to begin writing today's assessment.
"Is that the one who had a cap on who waved goodbye to you?"
She should've known it was not the stout, middle-aged man who was kind enough to pick up some coffee for them that Lilly was talking about. Anna gave her a smirk. "Oh, that's Mr. Tadashi. He's a nurse aide like Mr. Warren."
"I like him," the blonde shamelessly announced, her face contorted in a leer. "He's hot."
Anna wanted to laugh, didn't, and hummed as she diverted the blonde's attention. "How are you feeling today?"
"Slightly better," she said, and gasped as she turned to Anna, "Do you think he has a girlfriend?"
Really, Anna had never expected to have this conversation with Elizabeth as the girl literally made heart eyes at the thought of the guy.
But this is Lilly…
Anna didn't know what to feel hearing the blonde gush over another person. Her crush didn't exactly leave overnight – even if thinking about that made her feel all weird – so it was a bit of a surprise.
Jealousy was it, but not the kind that was irrational. Anna watched as Lilly curled her hair on a finger, haughty smile still on her lips as she sighed love-sickly. In a way, a part of her knew that she still had a chance. Lilly was not really the one that she'd been talking with, anyways.
From the way she held her head up to the minuscule movements she made, Anna could conclude that this was really a stranger she's hanging out with for the first time.
Good thing Anna liked making new friends.
Finishing her notes as Mr. Warren knocked with Lilly's coffee, Anna wondered if she should tell her their agenda for the day which only consisted of cognitive therapy with Doctor Pablo at 2:00 pm. The clock showed it was not long before eight, so they still had plenty of time to spare.
Lilly seemed comfortable with her, babbling about what she would do to her room if she got a chance. Her medications were taken without question as she sent Anna a pout. "Nurse Anna."
Packing up and writing down her charge's behaviour, Anna raised her eyebrows. "Hmm?"
"Can I wear makeup?"
Anna paused for a second. "Uh, the hospital doesn't really allow patients to use it unsupervised but I guess since I am here you can."
"Really?" Lilly clapped her hands joyfully, standing up to give the nurse a hug. The redhead stood frozen in the five-second hug, but she relaxed once she saw the large grin on her face. "Thank you! You're, like, the best ever."
"But I don't think you brought makeup with you."
Blue eyes blinked. "What? Don't tell me Seven forgot to bring it all again." Lilly went to the shelf again, rummaging around for her makeup kit. After books and clothes and toys got rumpled, she gave up with a loud sigh. "It's not here."
"Uhm, did you tell… Seven to bring it?"
Talking to a person about another person who happened to live inside the same body as the first person was whack. Then again, Anna was doing it right at this very moment. I've got to get used to this.
"Yes!" Lilly complained as she sat on the floor, brushing her hands on her face. "I swear to God that… that boy."
Anna never heard someone saying the word with so much disdain. She bit her lip to keep from laughing at the obviously frazzled lady.
"What am I going to do now?" she lamented out loud. Actually dramatically so. "How can I take living without my wondrous makeup?"
Her eyes landed on Anna.
The nurse had an inkling of what was going to happen next. Her large doe eyes latched on Anna's as she pouted cutely, sniffing imaginary tears away.
She was going to be guilt-tripped, Anna was calling it.
"Nurse Anna?"
Here it goes…
"Yes, Lilly?" she patiently asked from where she was sitting on the couch.
"Do you, by any chance, have any I can borrow? I mean, Seven didn't bring any, and there's no way I can borrow from anyone else but you." Blonde lashes fluttered prettily at her. "Just imagine how bored I'll be without it." A forced frown decorated Lilly's lips. "I'll be very bored."
Called it.
"Well," she breathed out calmly as the blonde expectantly looked at her. "It's not as nice as what you probably have – actually, I think it's trash compared to what you have so you'd definitely not like–"
"I'll take it," was the breathless answer, bright eyes wide as she nodded excitedly at the nurse. "I don't care what, I'll use it."
"Really?" Anna raised an eyebrow.
Lilly sighed heavily, frown on her face as she thought about the prospect of using less than stellar cosmetics. "Well, as they say, beggars can't be choosers."
Tittering at her, Anna decided to give the girl a chance. Turning to stand up, she glanced at the blonde, "I only have a couple though so don't get your hopes up."
Lilly didn't answer her. Anna guessed she had nothing else to say, but as she looked over to where she was sat, the redhead thought that something was amiss with her silence.
It had been almost an hour since she first met Lilly, but she had never stayed quiet the whole time she was with her. Anna might just be overthinking things, so to assure herself, she walked up to the girl and knelt before her on the floor. "You alright?"
"Yeah," the blonde answered, but her far-off gaze to the ground wasn't all that convincing.
Anna tried again. "What are you feeling right now?"
The blonde didn't look up, just stared at the floor with even breaths. Anna wondered what was happening to the girl right now, and she recalled the texts she had read yesterday.
She looked like she was spacing out, eyes glazed over and face slack. Lilly didn't respond to her, deaf to her question.
It could be dissociation – a feeling of disconnection from the body or the outside world. Anna expected it to be that, and sat beside her, not talking or touching, but only as a mere spectator, waiting for something to happen.
A couple more seconds passed when the blonde brushed both hands over her face and glance around, looking for something. When she saw Anna beside her, she blinked twice, humming lightly, "Anna?"
"Yes?" she answered, voice sweet and gentle. "Do you need anything?"
Anna was startled as the blonde shook her head, shaking off something the nurse couldn't see. Blue eyes looked at her mindlessly for a second before the blonde chuckled, "Sorry 'bout that. I completely blanked out." Eyes closed themselves tightly and opened wide afterward, a guilty smile on pink lips. "Yep, I have no idea what we're talking about."
Though not that apparent, Anna could hear a hint of change in the intonation of the blonde's voice. It wasn't telling at all. It wasn't high-pitched like Lilly's previous style but it was close to it, this time mixed with something else. Thinking of it, it slightly reminded her of someone's swagger.
Might have it been a switch?
Anna took a huge guess. "Seven?"
The blonde stared at her, unblinking. A huge yawn broke their eye contact which made Anna's heart swell with warmth. How cute.
Actually, her charge wasn't just cute. Elizabeth was more than pretty. The blonde was, as Anna said earlier, gorgeous enough to be on the runway. Blue eyes stared at her unfocusedly, blinking twice in an attempt to see her better. It was so different from how Anna's green ones were set oh so securely on the face before her.
"I don't even know," the blonde replied as they (she?) leaned on the shelf beside them, resting a platinum head on the wood.
Anna pressed further, confused. "What do you not know?"
Another yawn. Fingers brushed closed eyes while replying, "I don't know who's home."
What? It took a second of thinking before Anna realised what was being said. They don't know who's out in the body? Was that possible?
It was, Anna figured, and it seemed like a normal thing. She guessed there were a few on the stage at the moment, sharing the spotlight. Whoever they were decided to stand up, balancing on their feet unevenly before walking to the unmade bed, slumping at once.
hi guys! thank you all again for reading AMGA uwu I appreciate all of y'all's comment! To everdream, I don't think I deserve such thanks honestly. I'm doing everything I can to learn more about Dissociative Identity Disorder and I'm trying my best to not stigmatise it further. Your comment made me want to keep learning more about it just so I could represent it better to the best of my abilities. Thank you! xx