Yay! A chapter! Yay! Sorry, went on vacation (a mini one) and been SLAMMED at work. This is my first chance to finish this chapter up... Guess whose back? * insert cringe here * and she's causing trouble.
Chapter 12 - Let. Her. Go.
Harm lay wide awake although the woman in his arms was sleeping soundly. It was the middle of the night although he couldn't say exactly what time, the alarm clock was pointed away and he wouldn't risk waking Mac to see it. So he just lay there looking up at her ceiling, sighing for what had to be the hundredth time.
It felt like two seconds after they arrived from California all hell broke loose; or at least Harm's corner of the World. His beloved Corvette was stolen, found at a chop shop where it had been dismantled to pieces and sold to God knows where.
He was grieving the loss of the car - an inanimate object that he shouldn't care so much for and yet held so much importance. Harm had Rosy since the academy and she was a part of him - another tangible piece that kept him close to his father. And now she was gone.
He sighed again.
Mac had been with him when the frame of the Corvette was found and somehow she spotted the one peice that remained: the gear shift knob. It was custom made out of wood and a tiny pair of goldwings sat in the middle covered in a thick, shiny goat of epoxy. She held it in her hand and he knew that Mac understood or at least tried to.
It had been with her help that they got this far at all with a call placed to a Detective that owed her a favor, Mario Bigi. The man hadn't exactly been too compassionate - there were plenty of stolen cars all over DC to contend with. But, Harm's already bad day turned far worse.
Before they left the shop, the Detective was talking with Mac. Something about the interaction made him forget the car and made him seethe. He saw red and a slick kind of murderous intent spread through his veins. She wasn't flirting with him, just talking but, Harm could see a certain look in the detective's eyes and all he wanted to do was run to the man and throttle him. Perhaps use the gear shift to permanently remove that silly smile off Mario's face.
Harm wasn't normally the jealous type and yet, any man that even looked at Mac a certain way upset him. It was the same for Dalton and Farrow - the steely kind of hate that bred inside and made him want to rage. It was amplified now because, as much as he wasn't the possessive type when it came to women - this Marine was his.
You didn't feel the way he did and just casually let some creep weasel his way into your woman's life. Not that Detective Bigi was a creep, Harm even liked the man. He just didn't like him talking to Mac or placing a hand on her forearm or laughing at something she said as if they were familiar.
Mac and Mario. He thought and almost snorted on how ridiculous it sounded.
Mario and Mac. Even more ridiculous and it seemed like the name of a moving company.
Sarah and Mario. Okay, okay, not terrible but it didn't quite run off the tongue like Harm and Mac. Now that sounded good! As did Harm and Sarah.
Or Sarah Rabb. That name made his heart race and not in a good way. He wasn't ready for marriage so soon. He loved Mac. He knew he did with all of his heart but, it was like he was...stuck and he didn't want to be. But his impending return to flying loomed over his head. It was a long shot but, he'd already begun the process the very day after his eyes were fixed. He just hadn't told Mac or anyone really.
Changing his designator was much more than a push of paperwork through the channels. He had an in, Tom Boone who would surely help get him back on a carrier. But, was he ready to leave JAG? Was he ready to leave her?
Of course he would return, six months at sea often went by in the blink of an eye. But, what would he come home to? It wasn't fair to ask Mac to wait, was it? At least there was one silver lining: they'd be in different chains of commands and those shackles wouldn't be allowed to reign their relationship in.
They could just be without sneaking around or having to go out of their way for romantic dinner dates. Maybe then he could tell her that he loved her?
Sarah Bigi. God, no. He needed to stop torturing himself.
Harm sighed again and this time Mac heard it. She snuggled closer and placed a hand over his bare chest. "Thinking about the Vette?" A sleepy voice asked.
No, he abandoned his beloved car in favor of images of how he would dismember Mario Bigi if he ever had the displeasure of having to see the man look at Mac again. "Yes and no." He grinned and dropped a kiss to the crown of her head.
"I'll never understand boys and their toys but, if the car meant to you what Sarah does, I get it." His biplane wasn't just a toy, Mac knew - it was a way to stay close to his father.
"I know. You're the only one that understands but...nevermind...let's just try to get some sleep."
Mac shifted and in the darkness he could feel her eyes on him and imagined those beautiful brown irises with a concerned look. "What's wrong? Why do I feel there is something you aren't telling me?"
Oh Mac, there were too many things she just didn't know. Another sigh because, at least, this was one thing he would admit to. "Detective Bigi…"
Silence.
"Mario?" More silence although Mac could practically hear the wheels churning in his head. "You're jealous."
"Yes."
At that she pulled away from him and flipped on the lamp. The room was bathed in a soft yellow glow and Harm squinted. "Okay. I'm going to be absolutely transparent here: We dated...twice. He's nice, kind, funny, driven, a real 'catch'. But, he was more into me than I am into him."
Date? Twice? Her honesty didn't make him feel any better. "Okay, good."
"But?"
"God, I hate asking this but...Did you...I mean have you...You know? Been with Mario?"
"Have I slept with him? No. I'm not the type to sleep around."
Although she didn't sound offended, it bothered Harm that he had the audacity to assume. What was it that Mario had told her? Oh yeah, "Call me when you get out of the nunery."
"Did you want to uh...be with...sleep with him? With Mario?"
Mac could still be surprised by him sometimes - Harm rarely shared his insecurities and she smiled at his concern over her intimacy with another man. If he only knew that no one could ever light a candle to him. "No because I had a thing for you and the feeling wouldn't go away."
"Good. Because I have a thing about you too...Actually, I'm crazy about you, Mac. And he…He's a cop… I'm a lawyer that isn't very exciting and..." She moved over and kissed him, stopping the babbling that Harmon Rabb Jr. could often engage in when irritated or flustered. "Mmmm."
"Better?"
"I think so." Mac kissed him again deeper this time, shifting until she was practically on his lap. He rolled them over and covered her body with his. "Even better now." His lips came down on hers slow and soft, he tried to put into action what words just couldn't describe until they were breathless. Kissing Mac always left him breathless. "I want you to come help me pick out a car tomorrow."
"Okay."
"I mean it's one of those things couples do, isn't it?"
She shrugged. "I guess. Never been in a serious enough relationship for those couple type things. My marriage wasn't exactly wonderful."
Oh how he wanted to fix that. He wanted to see her happy. He needed to be the one to make her happy but, if he left it would be just the opposite and Harm wasn't sure how to tell her. She'd be upset but supportive eventually. Everything would work out after the initial pain and shock would pass. She'd miss him and when he came home they would fall into that homefront pattern until he left again.
It would be simple and easy. Sure, he had to consider her work as well, the TAD's she'd be sent on, the times they would miss more than connect but, it would work out because he loved Mac. Simple. But, he still couldn't say those three little words.
Tell her! His mind screamed but he swallowed down that thought and shifted uncomfortably, rolling onto his back. Why was this so hard for him? "Would it be bad if things got a little more serious between us?" Maybe that's what they needed? A stronger commitment so that when he left to fly things didn't seem so empty.
Mac sighed. "It's serious enough. I like that no one knows. It's our little secret. Plus, if we went public we'd have to tell Chegwidden and undoubtedly…"
"What?"
"We'd be separated. Call me selfish but, I like seeing you at work and I like this too. I know I can't have it all but, I want to hold on to this as long as possible." He did too because in this space it was just the two of them with no one from the outside world intervening.
"So come with me… to buy the car. I want you to help pick it out and I want you to like it."
"It's your car. It isn't important what I like."
"It is to me."
"Okay. Just stop worrying about Mario."
"I will." If only he wouldn't get jealous at how her voice sounded when she said that name.
One Week Later.
Harm's hand gripped the steering wheel of his new Lexus - an SUV. It had all of the bells and whistles his vintage Corvette never would and had taken away some of the sting out of missing Rosie. The vehicle was practical for the wintry Washington days and had a few offroading features should he was to go on other adventures. As much as he hated to admit it, the car was perfect. And brand spanking new… he'd never had a new car before and this made him feel like a little kid.
He pulled it into the converted garage beneath his building, made sure the alarm was on and all of the locks were secure and then headed up to the loft. Harm took the stairs carrying a bag of groceries in one arm, items needed to survive the weekend alone. Mac had returned to California needing to be present as her father's tombstone, a custom build she'd ordered was finally being placed. She wanted to be there and though Harm offered to join, it would be a quick trip and one Mac needed to make on her own.
As surprising as it was to find his apartment door ajar, it was much more of a shock to smell the familiar scent of a womanly perfume and the intruder to which it belonged to. Jordan.
He found her perched on a bar stool flipping through some thick white book on the island counter. She wore tight jeans and a fitted burgundy sweater that swooped down on the front and the back - it had been a gift from him, something Harm felt she would look good in. Something that was 'easy access' for the things he had in mind with her. Jordan was attractive and he still found her such but, there were more pressing matters at hand and his voice startled her as he asked, "What are you doing here?"
Dramatically, she pressed a hand to her chest, just over her heart and he found that the motion made the sweater shift slightly off one shoulder and Jordan was not wearing a bra. He forced his eyes away from that naked flesh. "Hello to you too."
The flirtatious tone of her voice did nothing for him only added to an anger that seemed to increase as he headed around the island and dumped his burden right on top of the book she paged through. "I mean it Jordan. What the hell are you doing in my place? We broke up."
"Broke up?" The mirth in her eyes gave way completely as if at any moment she could cry. The smile on her lips died as well and Jordan took a deep breath in order to steady herself. This wasn't what she came here for and yes, part of her expected him to take her back with open arms. She'd come prepared, wore the right clothes, the perfume that at once drove him wild - the lingerie he once pulled off of her with blinding passion. The look in Harm's eyes held none of that desire, they wouldn't turn dark with lust only icy blue and unyielding. There was a reason why, she knew because the smell of Sarah MacKenzie was all over the apartment down to the bedsheets she would have lay on in wait for him. When he said they needed some time apart, she frankly never thought he'd run to Mac especially considering how many times he'd denied his feelings for the woman.
"You said you needed time…A 'break' I think was the term. I came to see if you were ready to pick things back up but...you're with her, huh? Mac?"
All the anger washed away from him like a cold wave crashing over. Harm actually felt a little guilty but, honestly, he never thought he and Mac would be together. It was an impossibility given their careers and the zillion other obstacles in the way but, somehow the last two months had been the most amazing of his life. He loved her; really loved her and thoughts of Jordan hadn't crossed his mind much at all. Harm pulled a beer out of the bag, twisted it open and took a long pull from the sudsy drink. The cool liquid went down his throat and gave him a little courage. "I never meant to hurt you."
"I know."
"It's just me and Mac… we have history. And this is new for us." A little less than two months if his calculations were correct. "I cared for you, Jordan. I did."
"Cared for me? But you never did love me did you? Not like I loved you. Not like I still love you."
Her statement startled him. No, not the statement the way she said the 'L' word like it came from the depths of her soul he'd managed to rip to shreds. In a way, Harm felt guilty for not being honest, for using her to sate a physical urge when his heart belonged to someone else. "I don't know what to say."
"You know? I told Mac you and I would be together forever until she decided she wanted you."
"When was this?"
"Bud's wetting down party." Jordan tapped the book she was glancing at and slid it across the island to him. "I went by JAG to see if you wanted to go for lunch or at least a cup of coffee. There was a Lieutenant Hawkes there. Bud didn't know we were taking a break so he asked her to give these to me." She watched his eyes come alive the moment he read the title across the page - it was a flight manual for an F14 Tomcat.
Harm set down his beer and leafed through a few pages grinning as he stopped to glance at the section on flight controls. He'd last flown a Tomcat about two months prior but this would be a new life, a chance to shoot them off of carriers and participate in night landings. His heart began to race at the prospect and Jordan immediately saw the change in him.
"You were gonna leave me anyway weren't you? You're returning to a carrier." He didn't answer, merely took another drink from his beer and shut the manual. "Does Mac know?"
"No."
Jordan shook her head and saw the opening that she needed because if he didn't want to be with her, she was damned if he would be with Sarah MacKenzie. Not after the way the two of them had denied their relationship, not when he'd broken her heart for a lesser woman. "Is that wise, Harm?"
Her tone was soft, the way she would use if a difficult patient sat before her trying to find a way to fix their teetering World. With Harm it had always been easy to lead him because he was fractured and broken things were always looking for a quick way to heal. Gently, she placed a hand over one of his, a touch that was more out of tenderness than want. "If you're planning on leaving don't drag this out. You also need to consider that… whatever it is you have with Mac won't last if you leave."
"You're letting your jealousy get the best of you, Doc."
"Yes, I am jealous of Mac because I'll never be what she is in your eyes. But, no. What I'm concerned about is what you will do to her."
"To her? Give me a break." He leaned against the opposite cabinet and couldn't resist the urge to roll his eyes. "Mac will be fine."
"Really, Harm? What kind of life are you going to have? You'll be away what? Six months out of the year, come home for three or four, if you're lucky? As an investigator, Mac will travel for work and travel a lot like you have since we started." In fact, there were weekends that he'd drop all of their plans because the Navy needed him. "She isn't going to leave the Corps for you and become a desperate housewife waiting for you to return."
Harm pinched the bridge of his nose. He hadn't thought about that, the fact that as investigators they traveled so much and she would be away whenever he came home. "Jordie, stop."
"You need to come to terms with something, Harm. Your split from Mac is inevitable and this risk of yours won't be fair to her."
"Jordan…"
"She'll fall for you if she hasn't already and you're willing to walk out on that for a plane?"
That made him snap. "It's much more than just a plane! I trained for this, dreamed of it my whole damned life and it was taken away from me too soon. I have a second chance, I have to take it. Besides, I haven't decided yet." He picked on the label around the bottle, anything to not have to see the accusatory look in Jordan's eyes.
"Sounds like you have...you just haven't decided when or if you will tell her."
Harm didn't deny it, he couldn't when she was right on the money. He just didn't know how or when the time would be right. He wanted to go before the review board, weigh his options if there were any of them to weigh anymore.
"When were you going to tell me?" The sadness in her voice made his head snap up. He stared at her guilty and then found interest in the beer bottle again. She saw his shoulders slump, a look that Jordan had never seen him wear. Harm was always tough, strong, self assured and this conversation was clearly a war that was raging within himself. And then she went for the jugular- asking a question she wasn't sure to ask but, it would do the most damage. "Have you even told her that you love her?"
Silence. "Still afraid to let go? Afraid of commitment?" So much silence that it was practically palatable the heavy feeling in the air. She knew she'd won the round, grabbed an extra point and so she rammed it home. "I was falling for you so hard. I guess our break was a good thing."
"I'm sorry."
"Like you're sorry that you're going to eventually leave her behind too?" Jordan hopped off the bar stool and came around so that she could stand in front of him. She straightened her spine and her eyes looked up and held his. "I'm going to give you some free advice as I would if you were a patient - let her go."
"What?"
"It's infuriating to have to deal with a man so infantile he can't leave his precious planes alone."
"She'll understand."
"Will she? Where will you be stationed? The West? Pensacola? The other side of the World?" Jordan pulled the bottle out of his hand and slammed it into the counter behind him, had she used more force she would have broken the glass. "Goddammit, Harm Listen to me! Distance doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. Mac is a smart woman. She's driven and eventually she's gonna tire of your Peter Pan ways...But not before you managed to break her heart. You want that life of a jet jock, fine… but let her have a life without having to wait for you. Don't hurt her...Let. Her. Go."