xiv. have you ever seen the rain

(song by creedence clearwater revival)

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Everybody has a pattern. It can be argued how they are developed, the reasons why and even what their purpose is… But at the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that human nature calls for the comfort found in structure. One day, you decide that having a glass of wine before going to sleep makes you feel a little less depressed, or that you have to wear that nude nail polish because it's less hassle, or listen to that one song from that boy band you used to love growing up while you drive to work because it gives you more energy for the day ahead… Small and silly little rituals that make you happy and take away some of the weight that as adults we learn to live with, your pattern becomes your comfort zone.

"Looks like someone's running late." Nina was greeted by Mile's teasing voice as she practically ran out of the intern locker room.

"Looks like someone was kept up all night." Sarah joined in on the teasing correcting his words as the two watched their friend fix her hair and look down at the scrubs she had hastily pulled on.

"Ugh." She groaned with a roll of her eyes as she gave up on trying to make herself look more presentable. "Dude's apartment was all the way across town! I swear from now on I'm asking where they live before I actually leave with them."

The real fault in blurring a pattern with a comfort zone is that not every pattern is harmless and no every person will be satisfied with living comfortably. Fucked up thing though? They are always the last ones to realize it.

"So then a couple days ago, we're at the grocery store, Gary and I, and the next thing I know, I'm flat on my back in the frozen foods section." Alison Clark's voice was steady and cheerful as she explained what led her to be in the hospital.

"She fainted." Her husband added, their hands joined together.

"And I've never fainted. I've never seen anyone faint. I don't believe in fainting." She completed, making the doctors smile at her words.

"Did you hit your head?" Dr. Webber asked, leading it as he was the assigned attending to the case.

"I would've if this one hadn't caught me."

"Mrs. Clark is anemic and guaiac-positive, so there's definitely some internal bleeding, which looks like it's coming from a..." Lexie started to say, pointing out the scans to Dr. Webber before being interrupted by a very eager-looking April.

"Friable tumor near the ampulla of Vater."

"Yes, thank you for that, Dr. Kepner." Lexie bit back, causing Nina to hold a smirk at the two resident's tug of war.

"Dr. Swender told us the biopsy showed the cancer was back. But she said you might be able to take it out." The patient's husband continued.

"There's a chance I won't be able to go in as deeply as I'll need to, but I promise to do everything I can." Dr. Webber informed the two somberly, the patient and her husband's faces falling slightly because of it.

"Anything you could do."

"We appreciate it, Dr. Webber. Thank you."

As they all left the room, letting the patient and her husband think over what the surgery could mean to them; Dr. Webber told the three to prepare for the surgery while he'd secure the O.R. Lexie quickly turning to Nina with a curious gaze as they continued walking. Just that morning, taking everyone completely by surprise, Aaron Karev had shown up at the house looking for his older brother.

Lexie knew her relationship with Alex wasn't serious; she was getting over Mark and he was getting over Izzie, that was all. But the fact that she had no idea he had a brother made her wonder…

"So… Uh..." She started to say as soon as Dr. Webber was too far to hear. "Alex's brother showed up at the house this morning." Lexie decided to just get the information out and check the response she'd get but the intern simply looked up at her with a raised eyebrow. "We didn't even know he had a brother, but apparently he has a sister too. I'm pretty sure Meredith didn't know either." As Nina hummed in response to Lexie's rambling, the blond almost choked the question out. "Did you know? That he has a brother, I mean?"

"Oh." She mumbled, frowning as she thought about it. "No, not really." She shrugged, not thinking it was a big deal but the two residents looked like they disagreed.

"Don't you think it's weird that he never told you?" April asked, it was kind of known already the hospital by now how close Nina and Alex seemed to be.

"Well, we're not serious or anything…" Lexie answered but quickly realized from the look on April's face that the question hadn't been directed at her. "Ah, you mean Nina."

The intern bit her tongue, trying to ignore the awkwardness that came up suddenly. She didn't get why they were even talking about it. So Alex has a brother he doesn't talk about, so what? A lot of people have things they don't talk about, she definitely had many. She almost wanted to point out that she barely knew about the family situation of the two residents walking with her either, even though they had been much friendlier since that night they went dancing, but feared that if she did they'd want to talk about it. And truth be told, she didn't really want to know.

"We don't really talk about our families." She decided that was good enough explanation because it seemed like they wanted one. "Maybe they aren't close." She suggested as a way out of the conversation. "Uh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom before we need to scrub in."

Alison Clark's surgery came and went perfectly, they were able to remove all of her abdominal tumor through a local resection and she was set to have a great recovery. Even though Nina wasn't particularly interested in general surgery, finding it to be quite mundane if she was honest, she appreciated the experience of a successful surgery nevertheless. Of course, the most interesting part of said surgery was the fact that Derek watched it from the gallery and, the intern was sure that if she trained her ears enough, she could almost hear April's heart skip a beat or two.

"Hey." She greeted Miles, Sarah and Leo as she joined them at their usual table in the cafeteria.

"Nina!" Miles greeted her back loudly to her confusion. "Joe's tonight? Sarah here has a date with what's-his-face." He rolled his eyes with a sneer, making Sarah groan.

"Sure." She agreed with a laugh before turning to the aforementioned off-the-market intern. "How's that going?"

"Good." Sarah smiled shyly, downplaying the relationship.

"Just good?" Nina pried for Leo's sake, even if the poor thing was pretending not to be interested it was clear he could barely focus on his fries.

"Great, actually." Sarah added, biting her lip. "He's sweet, funny… Really handsome." She giggled. "I don't know… He may be the one."

"The one?" Miles scoffed. "You've been dating for three weeks. I've got a longer relationship with a six-pack in my fridge." Nina couldn't help but laugh under her breath, shrugging to Sarah when she lightly glared.

"Shut up." Sarah complained, her cheeks already warmer. "I know it's not long but… I just have this feeling." She shrugged, not noticing the looks Miles and Nina were subtly giving Leo who had been quiet the entire time.

"Well…" Nina mumbled before clearing her throat. "Just try not to put too much expectation into it, alright? We don't wanna see anybody get hurt."

"Of course." Sarah nodded, missing again the look on Leo's face as the words resounded for him.

Nina was walking out of the cafeteria with Miles when April paged her 911. Alison Clark had suffered a left temporal lobe hemorrhage that extended into her ventricular system, she was left with minimal brain activity and there was nothing else they could do to help her. As she stood with April, Lexie and Dr. Webber to inform the patient's husband about the outcome, she had to fight hard not to grimace or simply bolt from the room. This was the worst part, telling someone their loved ones would never come back.

"She could wake up, right? I mean, people wake up from comas all the time." The husband, Mr. Clark, spoke in one of the saddest voices Nina had ever heard.

"I'm sorry. Your wife's coma is irreversible." Dr. Webber answered. "Dr. Grey, would you explain it, please?"

"Mrs. Clark's scans showed a massive hemorrhage in her brain. And the EEG showed minimal brain activity." Lexie explained in a somber voice, matching the room's atmosphere.

"But that means there's hope, right? Because at least there's activity. And… And her heart is still beating."

"Only because the mechanical ventilator is breathing for her. When we turn the machine off, the heart won't get the oxygen it needs, and it will stop." April completed, trying to make the man understand.

"Why would you turn it off? People can live for years on these machines."

"Mr. Clark, the advanced directive your wife signed specifically requested no mechanical ventilation."

"She filled that form out three years ago when the cancer was first diagnosed. The doctor told her she had six months to live, and she held on for another three years." The man continued, his voice becoming increasingly agitated. "She'll come back from this, too. You'll see. You can't unplug her."

"Legally, we don't have a choice, sir." Dr. Webber tried explaining again, but it was clear to be a lost cause; that man was not going to accept a no.

"She's my wife. It's my choice."

"It's your wife's choice, and she made it three years ago."

"You said the surgery went fine." He turned to Lexie then, fury in his eyes. "That's what you said."

"It did, but ..."

"No, no. You're not a doctor. You're a child!" He yelled, making Lexie flinch back from his voice. "And you're useless. I'm done talking with you. I'm done talking with all of you. Who's in charge here?"

It's crazy how quickly things changed, the intern thought with a sigh. At lunch Nina was sure today was a good day and that Alison Clark was fine, now she was waiting to attend a meeting with Derek so that he would explain to the patient's husband that she really was… Well, dead. As she stood before the nurse station, Lexie sitting down in front of her not looking much cheerful either, she let her head fall into the counter with a groan.

"Coffee?" She heard Leo's voice before she saw him, turning around to greet him with a roll of her shoulders. "You ok?" He frowned as she took the coffee with greedy hands and took a big sip.

"Yeah…" She mumbled with closed eyes, leaning against the counter with no intention of talking about the case just yet.

"Well… I, uh, I kinda wanna talk to you." He sounded nervous, she concluded with more alarm than before, that was never good.

"Talk…" She egged him on with a bored voice.

Leo looked around and grabbed her arm slightly to pull her along, not wanting the people around to hear what he was about to say. Desperate times call for desperate measures, he assured himself in his mind just so he wouldn't chicken out. Nina was nice, she was his friend, she'd help him out, right?

"Remember when we talked about…" He started to say as they continued walking side by side. "My feelings for…" His voice grew lower while he looked around but nobody was close enough to hear. "That person that…" He bit his lips before noticing the smirk on Nina's face. "You know what I'm talking about!" He complained with a roll of his eyes, making her let out a small laugh.

"Yeah…?" She used her hand as a gesture for him to continue, Leo could act like such a little kid sometimes. "So what?"

"Well…" He mumbled before they stopped walking. "I was thinking that… Maybe… You… We… We could! Uh, like…"

"Just spit it out, man." She interrupted his mumbling with a roll of her eyes.

"Can you pretend to be interested in me so we can try to make her jealous?" And spit it out he did, in a voice faster than she ever heard him speak.

Nina was silent for a few seconds, her eyes a little too wide because that had really took her by surprise. Did he actually think that would work? She almost wanted to tell him that a girl who doesn't want you when you're single is definitely not gonna want you when there's competition, especially if that competition is in the form of a close friend! I mean, what kind of a backstabbing bitch would you have to be to steal your friend's guy?

"You can say no." He mumbled after she had been silent for a few seconds too long.

But she couldn't bring herself to say that to Leo. Not kicked-puppy-looking Leo with his adorably sad face. Not sweet, funny and kind Leo who couldn't hurt a fly. Nina rubbed her temple, sighing a little as she weighed the pros and cons in her mind. She would be helping out a good guy but at the same time, playing couple in the hospital sounded nauseating.

"We don't have to pretend to be dating or anything! Just, you know… Flirt and stuff." He added, reading the doubt in her face as a sign to plead his case. "You know..." He took a step closer to her where they stood to the side of the corridor, hesitating slightly before placing his hands on her hips. "Just…" Taking Nina's hands and placing them on his shoulders, much to her amusement.

"Are we about to dance a waltz right here?" She asked with a laugh and he took a step back feeling embarrassed. "No, it's ok." She pulled him back. "I don't think it'll work." She confessed while they stood closer than they had ever been. "But Dirksen is right behind you watching us." She referenced the nosiest, loudest mouth intern in the history of gossipers. "We'll never have a better chance than now…" She warned him with a small smile, mumbling so that only he would hear. "So you better be one hell of a kisser for making me do this in the hospital of all places." She grinned at his dumbfounded expression before leaning in.

In her defense, Nina wasn't usually one to half-mind shenanigans so it was clear to her by the get-go that if she were to pretend to be interested in whomever, it wouldn't be by simply holding their hands and bringing them coffee. If only it had crossed her mind to take a longer look around the room before, quite enthusiastically, French-kissing Leo Madsen in the middle of a corridor.

When Nina decided she wanted to become a neurosurgeon, she heard many adverse opinions and warnings. A lot of people spoke of the blood or the disgusting bodily fluids humans can produce, and then of the medical horror stories they had seen on a TV show or heard from someone they knew. One of the first things you learn is that the medical field isn't for everybody, it's not always rainbows and butterflies and she had always known that. But standing there and hearing Gary Clark say he has no family aside from his wife and then, a couple of hours later, watching Lexie turn off her respirator felt like a punch in the throat.

She couldn't stop thinking about how everything changed so fast as she made her way to the intern locker room, ready to change and drown in cheap beer with Miles and Leo at Joe's so that she could turn off her brain for a couple of hours, when she saw Alex walking to the elevator. Weirdly enough, she hadn't seen him all day and could only imagine what kind of day he had.

"Hey." She greeted him with a small smile, walking into the elevator with him. "I heard you punched your brother." She teased with a nudge and he only gave her a frown. "It's ok, we've all been there." She laughed at her little joke before realizing Alex was silent. "You good?"

"Oh, I'm great." Sure as hell didn't sound like it from the cold voice he used to scoff at her.

"Wanna talk about it?" She asked calmly, she had already gotten used to Alex's mood swings. "I'm supposed to be meeting Miles and Leo at Joe's but I can..." He cut her off with a loud groan.

"'Course you are." Nina wanted to roll her eyes but decided to ignore his jab, thinking it was just another one of Alex's little episodes of jealousy towards her intern friends.

"I can bail and we could talk... I can give you some golden advice on how to handle siblings, you know!" She grinned at him in despite of his sour face, still unaware of exactly how much hostility he had to give out at the moment.

"Like I'm gonna take advice from you."

"Uh..." She mumbled, weirded out by his attitude.

"You don't even know what you're doing with your own life!" He continued loudly, his face angry and his words cutting deep.

"Ok... Fair." She pointed out, trying to light up the mood. "But this time we're talking about...?"

"I saw you making out with Madsen today." He bit back to her question and Nina's jaw dropped instantly before she lowered her eyes to the floor.

"It's not like that, Alex."

Alex ignored her words as the elevator stopped and walked out quickly, Nina hot on his heels; you could call it a fault in her personality but she really didn't like not having the last word in an argument. It was dark out, late in the night, and thankfully not many people were around the first floor to witness their showdown.

"Hey, asshole, you can't just shout and walk away from me!" She complained to his back, grabbing his arm and willing him forward.

"You know what?" He whirled around, his voice much lower now but deadly. "Three weeks of one night stands, I kept my mouth shut! But you're bringing this to work? And Madsen? Seriously? You could've at least bagged Sloan. I mean, he's a whore, maybe that's how he likes them too!"

She could barely believe the loud gasp that came out of her mouth, stunned by his audacity. Who did he think he was to judge her? So maybe she had been acting a little more free loving than usual ever since... Ever since the anniversary... But so what? She was single and young and... And hot!

"Did you just call me a whore?" Nina's voice became cold as she stared him down like Alex was a bug on the sole of her feet.

"Oh, don't go all feminist on me! How many guys you've fucked this month?" He sneered with his questioning and that was the last straw for her.

"That's none of your fucking business!" She whisper-yelled, not wanting to attract attention, and he shook his head in disbelief. "It's not! You have no right over how many people or even who it is that I decide to sleep with!" She spoke, making sure to emphasize her words so that his thick head would understand it. "You know what? I had the worst day ever today and I don't have time for this." She shook her head, realizing how much grief this talk with him was giving her. "Go fuck yourself."

Why did we ever stop thinking alcohol is dangerous? Well, probably because of all those other harder-hitting drugs out there. Still, what a moronic misconception. After all, alcohol consumption can have an array of effects in the human body, such as a raised blood pressure or a loss of coordination. Of course that for Nina, because she's lucky like that, it chose to cause a combinative loss of critical judgment and dulled perception. Or in simpler terms, what she would later begin to call it, the night she almost slept with a puppy.

As she stumbled out of the cab, hastily shoving a twenty into the driver's hand, she mumbled a few curses to herself in disbelief of the shit storm she had just run away from. Knocking on the front door made her become a bit more aware of her surroundings, it was probably way past one in the morning now and she was most definitely being too loud.

"Nina?" Alex opened the door with a frown, she had never been to the house before and he wasn't sure how she even knew how to locate it.

"Hey..." Her voice cracked and his frown deepened, rushing her inside while grabbing her by the shoulders, afraid that she was going to cry.

"What's wrong? Did something happen? Are you ok?" The questions tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop it as he walked her to the living room.

She couldn't help but let her eyes take in the place, there was a box of cereal on the couch and the TV was on showing some movie she didn't recognize. Her head was still a little juggled as she tried to form the words in her mind before letting them out. Maybe this was a bad idea, oh no, this was undeniably a bad idea, but Alex was the only one she could talk to about this.

"You..." She tried to start but her voice cracked again. "You were right." It sounded better in her opinion, reality she wasn't nearly as sober as she thought.

"Nina..."

"I was gonna sleep with a puppy!" She interrupted him loudly to which Alex took a step back and raised his eyebrows.

"What?" He squawked. "Are you drunk? Did you drive here?"

"Shut up, sit down and listen to me." She rolled her eyes at his questioning and pushed him into the couch so he'd sit. "You're an ass!"

"Aggressive drunk." He scoffed with a smirk at her drunken slurring.

"You called me a whore!" She didn't mean to but it came out loud. "And well, I guess you were right!" She spoke louder, preventing him from interrupting because he looked like he was going to. "Because I... Because I almost slept with a puppy!" Rubbing her temples as the words seem to flow out, it made sense in her head. "Leo is a puppy, alright? And I don't do puppies! They annoy me and they get clingy..." She didn't seem to even be speaking directly at Alex anymore. "I didn't even know what I was doing... And then I was there. And..." If asked about it, Alex would have described the look on her face as excruciating pain. "Oh God."

"What?" He asked, realization of what she was talking about coming to him slowly. "What happened?"

"I almost threw up." She mumbled out, remembering what seemed to have happened in a dream but occurred less than thirty minutes before. "And then I... I think I might have cried." She confessed, the bile in her throat as she felt more embarrassment than ever before in her life.

Alex laughed. Yep, in true asshole fashion. He gave out a loud belly-deep roar of a laugh as he made sense of what had transpired between the two interns. As she stood there in front of him with her back to the entrance of the living room, neither of them noticed that the other three residents of the house had come down to see what all the noise was about.

"This is not funny!" She yelled at him, slapping his arm with force. "I was gonna sleep with Leo, almost threw up on him and started crying! And I can't believe I'm saying this but you're the only person I can talk about this shit with!"

As she loudly complained at his lack of compassion with, what she could only assume and hope was, the most embarrassing moment of her life; Nina noticed his eyes looking somewhere behind her and widened before he let out another laugh. She frowned, almost wanting to punch him now before she looked behind her to find Derek, Meredith and Lexie standing in their respective pajamas and looking at her with respective wide eyes, smirk and opened mouth.

"I forgot you don't live alone."