A/N: Thank you Sammyjimenes who suggested a follow up to Sugared Cinnamon Apple where Skye explains what happened. Here's that.
***TRIGGER WARNING*** for mentions of sexual abuse and suicidal thoughts.
Follow up to "Cinnamon Sugared Apple." About a week after the incident, Skye goes undercover with May to gather intel, and the mission goes south for Skye.
"I hate dresses."
May just smirked to herself as she swiped a little bit of taupe lipstick on her bottom lip. Skye narrowed her eyes, holding her arms awkwardly as she scrutinized her reflection. May had to admit, the dress didn't really suit her. It was too stuffy. "I feel like a sausage," she commented. "Like a really itchy sausage."
"An itchy sausage?" May raised an eyebrow. Skye's cheeks flushed a bit.
"It's tight," Skye quickly explained. "And this material sucks."
"Then go pick out another dress. Just be quick, wheels up in twenty."
As Skye scurried off to change her outfit, May touched up the last of her makeup, wrinkling her nose when she was finished. Like Skye, she hated dressing up, but she knew better than to complain. It was all part of the job, after all. Even still, the sight of the navy blue bodycon dress hugging her body and the feeling of her high heel shoes digging into her feet definitely made her uncomfortable. As long as there was no dancing, she figured she could put up with it.
When Skye returned, May felt a flash of warmth flicker in her chest. She looked beautiful, and the A line dress she'd picked out looked much more comfortable. "Better?" May asked. Skye nodded. "You look nice."
Skye's cheeks turned red and a wobbly, surprised smile formed on her lips. "Thanks," she managed to spit out incredulously. May just rolled her eyes. "You look... also nice."
"Is that the best you can do?" May chuckled. "Come on, we should head to the Zephyr."
As they walked down to the hangar - Skye barefoot, carrying her heels in one hand, which May assumed she wasn't going to put on until she absolutely had to - May ran over the details of the op with her. They were headed to a party that they suspected was an undercover Hydra recruitment event. Skye was backup, as she was still very new to the field, and all she had to do was cover for May if things went south. However, that was very unlikely - they were just there gathering intel on some of the new recruits. Any and all information was valuable - so May encouraged her to report anything and everything she found.
As they took their seats on the Zephyr, May couldn't help but to notice that Skye looked a bit nervous. "You're going to be fine," May reassured her. "Remember your training." Skye nodded hesitantly.
"I'm good, I'm good," Skye said quickly, smiling feebly at her SO.
"You have your ID?" May asked. Skye nodded, pulling the fake ID Fitz printed out of her little purse.
"I'm always blown away by his work," she commented. "I was never able to produce one this good."
"You were also doing it out of a van with minimal supplies." May pulled hers out and held it up against Skye's. Brynn and Jamie Leydon. Daughter and mother.
"What if they stop us?" Skye asked, suddenly nervous.
"You hacked in and put us on the guest list. I watched you do it." May raised an eyebrow. "You're going to be fine. I wouldn't have brought you on a high risk op as one of your first ones. There's nothing to worry about."
"Okay... okay..." Skye closed her eyes, steadying her breathing the way May taught her. May watched her carefully. She wasn't used to this nervous Skye, and while one could chalk it up to rookie jitters, she couldn't fight the feeling that something more was going on. Skye had been a bit off for about a week now. She'd panicked in training about a week ago, and then was crying at dinner that night. The candle Coulson had lit bothered her. But May couldn't figure out why, and Skye hadn't seemed to shake whatever funk she was in since then, especially around May.
"Trust me," May reassured her, hoping that maybe a little bit of positive reinforcement would help the rookie feel a little more confident. "You'll be fine."
~/~
Skye had been anxious the entire night.
She desperately wanted to prove herself to May, to show her she wasn't some pathetic crybaby kid who wasn't fit for the job. Especially after last week's fiasco... The incident with the candle was still fresh in everyone's minds, and she knew, she just knew that May was watching her carefully now. Judging her every move. Waiting for her to screw up.
She wanted so badly to be a good agent. And she respected and looked up to May so much; all she wanted was for May to like her.
"I have eyes on some kids, they're headed downstairs. I think that's where the recruitment is taking place," May's voice rang over the comm. "I'm going in."
"Get out at the first sign of danger," came Coulson's voice. "Do not engage."
Skye couldn't fight the twinge of worry in her stomach. She knew her SO could handle herself, but it still made her nervous to know she was going into the belly of the beast alone.
Speaking of alone... Skye felt very out of place out in the crowd on her own. She made her way over by the stairs, trying to look busy by scrolling through her phone and sipping on her water. Of course, she didn't want to look out of place, but she was starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with all the people around.
However, as an agent in training, she knew better than to block out the room completely, and was very aware as she felt a presence coming towards her. She looked up, her breath catching in her throat as she recognized one of the Hydra agents from the briefing.
"What's a pretty girl like you doing all alone over here?" he asked. "You're missing out on all the fun."
Play it cool, she told herself. Maybe your cover isn't blown, maybe he's just being friendly. With a smile, she replied, "Just getting a quick drink. I've been dancing all night!"
"Great party, huh?" he continued, leaning against the wall to face her. Skye, immediately feeling boxed in, adjusted her own stance and inched a little bit away from the wall, trying to be discreet while also trying to give herself an opening to run if she needed to. But with May downstairs with all those Hydra agents, anything I do to blow our cover will put her in so much danger... "What's your name?"
"Brynn," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "A beautiful name to suit a beautiful girl."
Skye could have gagged. He was really laying it on thick, and if Skye didn't know she was talking to one of the more important Hydra agents who was brimming with intel they needed, she would have made some sort of snarky remark and walked away. Instead, she giggled. "Aww, stop it!" she gushed. "You're gonna make me blush!"
The young man smiled. "You know, girls tend to only be either beautiful or smart, never both. But you seem to have a really good head on your shoulders. You might be the exception to that rule."
Sexist bastard. "Aww, stop, you're too sweet!"
"A smart girl like you must have a reason for being here," he continued. Skye's heart skipped a beat. He knows. Oh God he knows. I blew it. I blew our cover. "Do you trust me? I can show you something amazing that can change your life forever."
Oh! He thinks I'm here for the recruitment. This is great! I can get a firsthand look at what's going on. "Of course," she replied, holding his gaze and smiling. May will be so proud of me. This is my chance to prove I can be a good agent! "Hail Hydra."
The young Hydra agent smiled, a satisfied glint in his eye. "Atta girl," he cooed. "Hail Hydra indeed."
But to her surprise, he grabbed her hand and started up the stairs. Apprehension prickled in her stomach, but Skye pushed it away. Maybe May was wrong? she thought. Or maybe downstairs is just one of the places they're doing it? Either way, she couldn't fight the churning worry in her stomach as they ascended and went down the hallway. At the same time... just a week ago she'd freaked out and left in the middle of training. The incident was still fresh in her mind, and she knew that her team members remembered it clearly too. She'd panicked over a candle, for Christ's sake.
"Downstairs was a bust. Couldn't get close enough to see anything without compromising myself. I'm heading back upstairs." May's voice came in through the comms.
It was time she proved herself to her team. She didn't want them seeing her as the weak one who cried over a candle. She didn't want May to give up on her.
The room at the end of the hallway had a couple of Hydra agents standing guard. The guy nudged one of the guards, shooting him a look, and they stepped aside. He opened the door, and led Skye in.
Skye's stomach flipped when she saw it was a bedroom.
"Skye, rendezvous in five. We should go."
Suddenly, she could feel her heart start thudding in her chest, and he shut the door behind them. To try and calm her nerves, she took a couple small sips of her water, hoping it would settle her stomach. "You know," the young man said, coming up behind her and snaking his arm around her waist. She suppressed a flinch, though she couldn't help it as her muscles tensed up. "You're really not like other girls. There's something... very alluring about you. You're incredibly smart. Must be those Asian genes."
Fucking racist, too. "Guess so," she murmured, her mind buzzing.
"Not too many of our female Hydra recruits are as bold as you are. As dedicated. I admire that." Her skin crawled as he flipped her around to face him, pulling her close to his chest. Acutely aware of his traveling hands, she suppressed a shudder. "And this time around, it seems there are so many guys. I'm usually in charge of the initiation for the girls, and I haven't had the pleasure of doing a single one tonight."
Skye could feel herself trembling. Her legs felt frozen in place as he pulled away, his hand still clasping hers, trying to lead her to the bed. Her chest tightened as those fresh memories of Noah Fischer flashed in her mind.
No one wants you. I'm doing you a favor.
"Skye? Where are you?" May's voice sounded nervous, but also stern. Skye's stomach rolled.
Coulson's voice came over the comms. "Skye, are you there?"
"Skye?"
"Come on, pretty girl," the Hydra agent cooed. "Don't you want to know all of Hydra's secrets? Don't you want to be a part of something bigger than yourself?"
Was the intel worth it? Would she get any information out of this? Skye's mind was reeling, and the room started spinning a bit as he came closer again, his hands finding their way on her lower back, coaxing her to him again, and now that he was so close his hot breath tickled her neck, now that Coulson and May were in her ear calling for her, she reached up and cut the comms, not willing to risk him hearing them and blowing their cover.
Now she was entirely alone with this man.
And as his lips grazed her neck, as his fingers wormed their way where she didn't want them, she couldn't help but forget her training as paralyzing fear took over her system. She could have talked her way out of it. She could have kicked his ass Cavalry-style. But memories of the Fischers, still fresh in her mind from being upturned just a week ago, clouded her judgement, and she felt like a lost, helpless child with no way out.
And the room felt like it was spinning and everything was getting a little blurry and a thought crossed her mind, that maybe when she'd passed those guards she hadn't had her eyes on her drink, that now even though she'd only had a little bit she was stuck and she wouldn't be able to fight her way out but now it wouldn't even be worth it because she wouldn't even pick up on any information, much less remember it later.
Feebly, she started to pull away. She had to try at least. He kept his firm grip on her as she started to fight to get away, and vaguely she heard him taunting her; "I thought you were smarter than that. Don't you want your life to have a greater purpose?"
I'm doing you a favor.
She managed to push herself away. She stumbled towards the door. He easily seized her by her wrists and pinned her against the wall.
Her breath hitched, her head swirling with horrible memories and sheer terror and whatever the hell was slipped in her water. "Stop fighting," he hissed in her ear. "I don't know how many other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are here, but if you keep resisting, I'll make sure all of them suffer."
May...
He chuckled as Skye's expression twisted into shock and disbelief. "Of course I knew," he muttered, tugging at the zipper on her dress. "I can spot a stupid, untrained agent a mile away."
And Skye felt numb as he pulled her back over to the bed, pinning her down on her back, and she didn't fight.
She didn't fight.
And her head was clouded and foggy and tears pricked the corners of her eyes but she refused to let them fall. And this stranger was on top of her, and she just stared at the ceiling, willing for it to be over, when suddenly the door busted open and in marched Melinda May, who was on them in an instant, throwing the man off of Skye and punching him hard in the face, starting to beat the crap out of him.
"Get out!" May shouted at Skye. "Get to the van. Now!"
Skye hesitated, but as May shouted again to get out, she felt her senses kick into overdrive once more and her legs numbly carried her out the door, and she bolted down the stairs and as her eyes glanced around the room she saw a handful of S.H.I.E.L.D. reinforcements sweeping the area, and quickly she spun around and glanced back up, suddenly aware that she left May behind, but as she emerged at the top of the stairs covered in blood - probably that Hydra agent's blood, Skye told herself - she felt a little bit better, and she darted outside to where an undercover S.H.I.E.L.D. van was already waiting for her.
She took a seat in the back, tapping her foot anxiously until May joined her.
The van took off.
They rode in silence.
And Skye sat in her seat, her head still buzzing from the drug in her water, her skin still crawling from thoughts of the guy's hands all over her. She couldn't get the images of him or Noah Fischer out of her head, and she cursed herself mentally for being so weak, for letting it happen again and again, and now May wasn't going to want to be her SO anymore because she was pathetic and stupid and couldn't fight her way out and just let that man start touching her, start kissing her...
And her heart was still racing and she knew she wasn't breathing evenly but she couldn't stop thinking about it all, and the thoughts wouldn't stop and the memories just kept flooding back and that feeling of being a lost, unwanted, helpless child wouldn't go away and she could feel her mind being brought back to that dark, terrible place it had been when she'd attempted to end it all.
May's not going to train you anymore.
No one wants you.
Skye gritted her teeth, fighting back tears as the van pulled into the Zephyr. May and Skye exited, taking their seats on the plane, and Skye was acutely aware of May eyeing her as they sat in silence.
"Don't ever go dark like that again," May finally said, her voice holding a stern, angry note to it. "That was stupid. You shouldn't have-"
But she stopped as Skye burst into tears, burying her face in her hands.
"Skye..."
"I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper, broken up by her crackling, thick voice.
"Skye... Skye it's okay, we were just worried, we're not mad-"
"I let it happen... I didn't even fight. I never fight. I just..." Another sob wracked Skye's body, and May placed a gentle hand on her back, rubbing soothingly.
"You just froze up," May murmured sympathetically. "I expect that from a new agent. It's okay. I'm just pissed at that bastard for what he did."
"It's not just that..." Skye shifted, wiping the tears off her cheeks and pulling her legs up to her chest. "I never fight. I always let it happen. I'm too weak."
"Skye... you're not weak," May assured her softly. "I promise you. You're not weak." When Skye didn't say anything, May asked gently, "This... has happened to you before. Hasn't it."
Skye's whole body shuddered and she nodded, hugging her knees to her chest as fresh tears streamed down her cheeks.
"Hey... Hey, take some deep breaths... You're okay, I promise." May rubbed Skye's back again.
"The candle," Skye said after a moment. May looked over at her, raising an eyebrow, waiting for her to speak. Skye took a deep breath. "The candle... I don't think I would have frozen that way if the candle hadn't brought back those memories. I'm sorry..." Skye looked away again. "I'm so sorry, you don't have to train me anymore, I know I'm weak, I'm pathetic, I'm-"
"Hey," May cut her off. "I'll never think of you that way. I love being your SO." After a moment, she hesitantly added, "Do you want to talk about it?"
Skye didn't say anything for a bit, and May didn't prompt her any further. She just kept rubbing her back softly as Skye let more tears run down her cheeks, but finally she wiped them away and stared straight ahead as she started to explain. "The Fischers. A foster family I had a long time ago. Their house smelled like that candle all the time. They... they had a son. Noah."
May's hand stiffened on her back. Skye took another deep breath.
"I was sixteen... no, fifteen, I think. He was eighteen. The house wasn't good to begin with, but it was the normal stuff - the dad was an alcoholic and he wasn't very present. The mom was strict and degraded me all the time. I was just grateful she wasn't the physical type."
May gritted her teeth, but didn't say anything. Skye squeezed her eyes shut as she felt another round of tears welling.
"I... I was getting real sick of it. You know? Fifteen years in the system, no stability, no one who cared about me. It was all stuff I should have been used to. But I was getting tired and fed up. Noah smoked every night, and I wanted some. I'd been high a few times and it helped a lot, I liked feeling like that cuz it helped me forget. It helped me feel okay. But... but he taught me from the moment I set foot in his house that everything came with a price. Nothing was free. I didn't have my own room. I had an air mattress in the corner of his room."
May removed her hand from her back. Skye turned her gaze up to the ceiling, letting the tears fall once more.
"I... I didn't want to. I was so afraid. But I couldn't do anything. I couldn't fight him... I couldn't get out." She drew a shuddery breath before continuing. "He told me I was nothing... He said... he said that no one wanted me... no one wanted me and... and he was doing me a favor. And I... He started... he started doing things to me every night. And I stopped... I stopped fighting. I... I never fought. I just... I just let it happen."
May was completely still next to her. Skye knew she must think she was disgusting and pathetic and stupid and weak. She looked away, focusing her eyes towards the corner. "I... that was the first time I'd ever tried to... kill myself. I couldn't... take it anymore... I couldn't see any other way out."
Those last words hung in the air for a minute. Skye buried her face in her knees, wishing she could hide from the world. There was absolutely no way she'd ever be a field agent now. Now May knew. Now she could see her for who she really was. Pathetic and disgusting and weak and-
"I'm going to fucking murder him."
Skye looked up sharply. May was seething. Her hands were balled in fists and her jaw was set and her teeth were gritted and Skye didn't think she'd ever seen her that mad, not even after Ward betrayed them all.
"May-"
"No one should ever have to go through that shit. And you were a kid. He preyed on you and you were a kid."
"It's okay, I-"
"It's not okay!" May stood, starting to pace back and forth. Skye watched her helplessly, unsure what to do or how to feel. "It's not fucking okay! He just got away with that shit? Didn't his mother do anything about it?"
"She didn't know, and she wouldn't have blamed him-"
"That's bullshit! That's absolute fucking bullshit!" She stopped, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. She sighed. "You were a kid. He took advantage of a kid." She shook her head. "He made your life a living hell. And you couldn't see any other way out. And you were just a kid." Taking her seat again, she murmured again, "God, you were just a kid."
"I'm sorry." Skye looked away again. "I'm sorry."
"It wasn't your fault."
"I let it happen. I never fought."
"It. Wasn't. Your. Fault." May turned to face her again. "Look at me." Slowly, Skye lifted her watery gaze to meet May's, and was shocked at the ferocity of her expression. "Never feel like that was your fault. Okay? And you are not weak or pathetic or stupid for not fighting. You were young, and defenseless, and you didn't have any control over your situation. Don't ever feel like it was your fault. Don't ever apologize for the shit that fucking bastard did to you. Okay?"
Skye nodded. "Okay," she breathed. "Okay."
"What happened tonight wasn't your fault either," May continued. "If anything, it's mine. I left you alone and I shouldn't have. Not when you're still so new to the field and still learning. And this op wasn't supposed to be dangerous. I told you it was going to be fine. I'm sorry."
"What?" Skye stared at her incredulously. "No. This isn't on you either. You couldn't have known... There was no way that-"
"Even still," May said. "I shouldn't have left you alone. I knew you were nervous and I knew something had been bugging you recently."
Skye didn't know what to say.
"I've been worried about you," May murmured. "You've been off ever since the candle."
Skye dropped her gaze, nodding, taking it in. "I didn't want you to think... You know, because of what happened in training that day... I didn't want you to think that... I wanted to prove myself to you, but I was worried that..."
"I know." May nudged her gently, and Skye looked up again. "But I promise you, I'm so incredibly proud of you. And I think you're so strong for surviving through everything that happened."
Skye smiled shyly. "Thank you," she whispered. "That... means a lot. Really."
May nodded reassuringly. "And I can also promise you," she continued, an intense fire still burning in her gaze, "that if anyone ever lays a finger on you again, there will be hell to pay."