CHAPTER TWELVE
As hunger really set in, I began to spend more and more time in bed, only getting up to attend Monokuma Tai Chi. Each day was harder than the last.
Every movement would make my head spin.
Seeing everyone else, I could tell that we were all wearing down. It didn't help that the walls were covered with strawberries and grapes – a constant reminder of food that we had no access to.
They danced in my eyes, taunting me with their vibrant colours.
Sometimes, Hinata would return with us to our room, lying on the bed with his eyes closed. He was still indecisive about my proposition and I didn't blame him. This really wasn't the time for such a big decision was it? Everyone had better things to worry about.
Besides, I was content with just being able to spend time with both of my boys. The speculation that Hinata could be the traitor had passed over. No one wanted to think too hard on something with absolutely no evidence.
"Ne, Hinata-kun…" I mumbled. "What do you think your talent is…?"
He let out a soft sigh, turning to his side to look at me with droopy eyes. "Dunno… "Think I talked about this with Komaeda when I first woke up on the island."
"He's the Ultimate Scatterbrain," Komaeda chuckled, peeking over my shoulder to shoot a teasing look at the brunet who was sputtering back a response.
I giggled. "Hinata-kun is pretty scatterbrained sometimes, isn't he?"
"Rin…" he sighed.
"It's okay, Hinata-kun. We still think you're cute."
He turned bright red and rolled the other way.
After a moment, I poked him in the lower back, watching him squirm. "Ah… Hinata-kun is ticklish?" I poked him, again, to get the same reaction.
"S-Stop!" He blindly tried to whack my hand away, but I was unhindered, prodding him until he stopped responding and it became boring.
I placed my hand gently on the mattress between us. Uncertainty slowly crept back in.
"Ne, Hinata-kun… Do you think we'll be okay…?" I quietly asked.
He took a minute to reply, "Yeah. We'll be okay."
Komaeda wrapped his arm tightly about my waist, pulling me flush against his body. "We're going to protect Rin-chan together!" He pecked me on the cheek and sighed happily.
I smiled back at him, pulling him in for more.
We continued to cuddle, giggling as we continued to exchange teasing kisses.
Hinata stubbornly stayed on his side of the bed, but turned back to face us with his eyes closed and his hand in mine.
With a smile, I closed my eyes as well and drifted off.
"Rin-chan? Rin-chan?" I could hear the concern in his voice, but I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes.
He sighed, holding me tighter and whispered words of comfort into my ears.
I was so hungry that I didn't even feel hungry anymore.
I was just tired…
Everything was so heavy.
Just like that, all the days blended together, until Komaeda and I stood in front of the Final Dead Room after another tortuous morning of Tai Chi.
"Don't go in," I mumbled with my head pressed to the side of his arm. "It looks dangerous. I don't want anything to happen to you." If Komaeda died, I would be devastated. While he kept calling me his hope, he was mine as well. To lose him would make me fall into despair.
He tilted my chin towards him. "I can't keep watching you like this. Your hope is flickering and I can't allow that to happen," he told me, resting his forehead on mine. "Besides, I'm the Ultimate Lucky Student, remember? Nothing will happen to me even if I…"
Even if he wanted to…
There is was, again.
He didn't fear death because he had been actively seeking it.
He had even done it several times here. The first being the set up that led to Togami's murder. A part of him had wanted to be the one to be killed by Hanamura and that was why he had told the chef everything. He wanted to be the one to die to start up the Killing Game, not Togami.
Was it terrible that I was glad he didn't die?
My entire life would be so different without him and I wouldn't know I'd have a chance at happiness. So even though I was afraid that applying to Hope's Peak Academy had been a mistake after finding myself on a terribly sandy beach, it all kind of worked out. If we could get out of here alive, I could selfishly try for a life with Komaeda.
I had been on the same boat of him before – drowning in my own self-pity and sorrow, but it was finally beginning to fade because I had found my reason to fight on and I wasn't about to let him take it away!
"Nagito-kun, you – "
He kissed me. It was soft and sweet. His feelings merged with mine as I melted into him. "I love you, Rin-chan. You don't have to worry. I've found my reason to live, so I won't leave you. I'll be back, so just wait for me, okay?"
I bit my lips, hoping that his words were absolute, but our future was unknown. "I love you, too." I pulled him back in for another kiss as if it was going to be our last. Our good luck was bound to run out sooner or later and I had such a terrible feeling at the pit of my stomach.
With one more hug, I finally let him go and watched as he disappeared behind the large clown doors.
There could be anything in there and he had just strolled in as if it was a normal haunted house. What gruesome, unimaginable obstacles were waiting for him in there?
What if he never came back out?
What if this was really how I lose him?
What if…
What if…
"He went in."
I jumped at the deep voice to see Tanaka watching me with his arms crossed. His cute hamsters were looking a little more lethargic than normal, but otherwise, I was glad to see them still healthy.
Nodding, I replied, "I'm worried. Nagito-kun has always been reckless." His luck was the only thing that kept him alive.
"The dark spirits tell me that luck is still in his favour," he stated.
I knew he was saying this to comfort me and I appreciated it. "Want to hang out? I'm not sure what to do with myself now that he's not here, but… I'm not going to be very good company either. I'm pretty tired, but I… I just… I don't want to be alone, right now."
He regarded me with understanding eyes and silently nodded.
We didn't do much as we were both lethargic and starving, but his company was comforting, even if it meant sitting at the lobby.
I played with the hamsters for a good hour, watching in amusement as they rolled around like tiny fluff balls. I still couldn't believe that someone as strange and seemingly dark as Tanaka would have these cute things with him. As the Ultimate Breeder, I wondered what other cute animals he had.
Feeling lightheaded again, I informed him that I was going to return to my room to try to sleep it off, but the world tilted sideways the moment I stood up and everything went to black.
"Rin-chan… I'm so happy to see you…
"My body feel so strange…
"Hope… is truly stupendous…"
A hand brushed through my hair as I finally opened my eyes to see Komaeda hovering over me with an unreadable expression on his face.
"Nagito-kun…" I mumbled. Had I been dreaming? What time was it? I hoped that I didn't miss Monokuma Tai Chi. "Did you go into the Final Dead Room or was I just…?"
"I went in and Monokuma gave me this when I finished." He held up a black book that looked similar to the one we were shown before getting on to the rollercoaster. It had the same symbol of Hope's Peak Academy.
Slowly, I sat up to look at the object that had been dropped into my lap. The book looked so innocent, but I knew the information inside would be anything but. The first one he had freely given us was about the previous class. This one that Komaeda had to work for, it had to be worth something even more.
What other bombshell was Monokuma going to drop on us, now?
Uncertain, I opened the book and began to slowly read through every word. Concentrating on the paragraphs was difficult, but I knew Komaeda showed this to me for an important reason.
There was so much information on us – the us that we had no memories of.
Togami Byakuya wasn't even actually Togami Byakuya. He was the Ultimate Imposter and had no known name. He had also been manipulated by Enoshima Junko to become part of the Ultimate Despair.
Another notable person was Hinata Hajime. He had no Ultimate talent at all and was part of the Reserve Course at Hope's Peak Academy. The Reserve Course that was known to have no place there other than to support those with talents, even one as useless as mine. I never understood why anyone would want to do that, especially when that fact was so well known. This was interesting information, but not crucial. Hinata was Hinata. Where he was accepted into didn't really matter to me.
I slowly flipped the page to see my own school photo that I couldn't recall taking.
Saeki Rin.
Ultimate Unlucky Student.
Brainwashed to join the Ultimate Despair by Enoshima Junko.
It was hard to read. I couldn't recall any of it. What did this all mean?
Even Komaeda had fallen victim.
Who was this Enoshima?
I vaguely recalled seeing her face in the first book, but there wasn't anything too remarkable. She had been the Ultimate Fashionista, so how?
How could we all have fallen into despair because of her?
"It was all a lie," he whispered. "Hope… You were supposed to be my hope…"
"The me now… I don't remember anything about being brainwashed or being part of the Ultimate Despair," I quietly said, wondering what he was thinking. "Does it matter what happened in the past?"
Komaeda let out that chilling laugh that sent cold shivers down my spine. "AHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA!" The madness filled his eyes like it did in the first class trial. "Rin-chan… We are the embodiments of despair! People… trash like us do not deserve to be alive!"
I slowly go up to put some distance between us, stumbling as my legs nearly collapsed below me. "What if… What if this is all made up? How can we even trust anything Monokuma gives us? All of this is just to make us kill each other!" That had to be it. This new information was too farfetched. This was just another motive, right?
He suddenly slammed his hand against the wall beside my head and that was when my legs gave me. "He has no reason to lie about this. We are all disgusting – the worst of the worst! Beings without hope… Only existence is to spread more despair…"
"Y-You're scaring me…" Tears filled my eyes. He had never directed his anger at me before. In fact, he had never been like this at all! "Please, N-Nagito-kun… C-Can we just talk? We can w-work through thi – "
"Leave..." he mumbled, dropping his hand to his side. He regarded me with such disgust – such hatred…
His green eyes were a dark storm, swirling like a disaster waiting to happen. "I can't stand to see you…"
Those words…
"To think I could feel anything but revulsion for someone so full of despair…"
I never thought I could feel pain like this. It was as if he had my heart in his hand and he was squeezing as hard as he could. Even breathing was becoming difficult.
Somehow, I managed to scramble to my feet and staggered to the door. I blindly walked through the shifting halls and half fell down the stairs to the elevator. All I could think about was getting as far away from him as possible because I truly didn't think my heart could take anymore.
I needed someone to talk to. Hinata would hear me out… He would listen to me…
With each wavering step, I drew closer and closer to the Crummy Room I knew he was staying at, but just before I could reach it, I heard two voices arguing near the stairs. Had I just missed them earlier? Did I walk pass them? I couldn't recall…
My mind was so fuzzy…
Everything hurt.
Just as I was about to knock on Hinata's door, I stopped and decided to investigate the disturbance.
My heart dropped further seeing Tanaka and Nidai fighting.
Why…?
They shouldn't be trying to hurt each other!
"S-Stop… Stop!" I shouted.
Miraculously, they both halted and stared at me in shock.
"Don't fight…" I begged. Wasn't there enough pain in the world?
All this despair…
We couldn't allow it to take over who we truly were.
I didn't want that book to be true.
They had to hang on to hope.
"We have to stop killing each other! This… This isn't right. We're being manipulated to think that we don't have a choice, but we do! And we have to keep believing that because it's the only way to keep ourselves from falling into despair!" I sobbed, feeling everything slowly weigh me down. I was so tired of this.
"M-Monokuma… If I killed myself, would the others be free?" I whispered, knowing that the bear was always watching – always listening.
"Why are you asking that?" Nidai asked, concern clearly in his voice.
The bear popped up with a devious grin on his face. "Nope! It will have to be murder. Cold blooded murder! Puhuhuhuhuhu!" He disappeared as quickly as he appeared.
"There is discordance in your soul," Tanaka stated, also frowning at me.
"I shall be the one to - !" Nidai never had the chance to finish when I interrupted him.
I stepped up to his cyborg form and bowed as low as I could go. My mind was made up, especially after seeing what these two were fighting about. "If you were going to sacrifice yourself, then please kill me."
They both froze.
"W-What? Th-That is not part of the plan!" He was so loud that I was afraid someone would hear before we could finish this.
"I beg you. I am… I am certain of my decision. You would be doing me a favour that I could never repay you for, but you would have my eternal gratitude." I bit my lips to keep the tears from falling, but they were welling up in my eyes, making it even harder to see.
Everything hurt too much.
"Saeki…" Tanaka clenched his hands. "That is a preposterous request! Not even the Dark Gods would - !"
"Please," I cried, my own hands were shaking as I tried desperately to wipe the tears away, but they just kept falling. "E-Even if you don't do this f-for me… I'll do it m-myself! W-Why waste another l-life? Use my w-worthless one… Full of d-d-despair…!"
No amount of medication could help me, now…
No amount of therapy would convince me otherwise.
"I will…"
"I will do it," Tanaka offered, cutting off Nidai, once more.
The Ultimate Team Manager would have none of it. They argued as I thought about every decision I had made only to lead up to this point. I was always going to be a disappointment. I was misfortune personified. Komaeda had given me the illusion of happiness and security. It was only fitting for him to be the one to take it all away.
I only lamented that someone else would have to die to kill me, but at least I could save one person with my meaningless existence. That was more than I could ever hope for…
Hope…
Who knew something so beautiful could be so painful…?
Ha…
"May I… May I ask for just one more favour before I… go?" I quietly asked.
"Go on…" Tanaka mumbled, having a hard time looking at me.
"May I have a… hug?"
Without question, their arms wrapped around me and even the Four Dark Devas of Destruction cuddled against my cheek.
I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to anyone else, but that was probably for the best. They might try to stop me and I couldn't have that, not when I could finally make the pain stop.
I was such a hypocrite…
Everything I said about hope when I had already utterly fallen into despair.
I'm sorry Hinata-kun…
Maybe in another life, we could've had more time to get to know each other. Maybe we could've even had a future together…
I hoped that he didn't think I was playing with his emotions. Everything I said was true.
Komaeda-kun…
I wish…
I wish I could've been enough for you…
All I wanted was to be your hope…
I should've known I could never be enough.
All I wanted was for you to start loving yourself.
I hoped that you would never feel the despair I felt.
If only I could've given you a shred of the happiness that you gave me.
Because while it lasted…
I was truly happy.