Stuck In Second Gear

Los Angeles greeted him with a sunny blue sky, as if she'd been waiting for him all along. It was hard to even remember the love he'd once held for New York. By now, it was difficult to discern what parts of that had been his own happiness or how much he'd been influenced by Kurt's feelings. But that was behind him now. He was free to put into words how he felt himself. The only problem was, he wasn't even sure what that was. Every step away from the loft had told him he was doing the right thing, but how he felt…

It didn't matter. He would figure it out sooner or later. Now it only mattered to step forward, out of the plane and into a new life.

It was too familiar, looking around LAX. How often had he stood here, pretending to look for his brother? This time, there was no need for pretense, or denial. He openly looked for Sebastian now, and right after spotting him, walked over, stepping into his embrace.

"Let's get you home, killer," Sebastian muttered into his hair.

Home.

Blaine grasped tighter around Sebastian at the thought. It sounded hopeful.

The drive was familiar, and still felt different. Los Angeles would change for him as well – no longer a place of vacation and refuge, but his day-to-day life. What he was going to do with this life… he didn't even know yet. Auditioning, acting, music… it would come together, somehow. Looking around, it felt surreal to think this was where he'd live now. He vaguely remembered feeling that way about New York. He'd been hopeful back then, too… But he, as well, was different now. Older, more mature. He hoped he could use all this to make a home for himself.

They arrived to find Cooper's apartment empty – not a surprise, his brother had warned him he was away on some PR thing and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. It didn't matter. Cooper had his back, had taken him in without even a second of hesitation, and the most important thing right now was not to be alone.

There were a million things he wanted to ask Sebastian but didn't dare to. He still had no idea about the cost of a divorce, hadn't expected them to be covered. He thought back to the meeting with his new divorce attorney only a few days ago. He didn't want to make this difficult for Kurt, just wanted everything to be done as soon as possible. Still, it was reassuring to have an ally like Bev Montgomery.

He could feel Sebastian's eyes on him, as he looked around the apartment. It looked a bit emptier, even though Sebastian had only lived here for a few weeks. He still acted as if it was his place, walking over to the cabinet to get out a bottle with an amber liquid, the gold and purple logo bringing a smile to Blaine's face. Sebastian poured generously, and Blaine accepted the glass.

"To freedom," Sebastian said softly, a weird tone of melancholy in his voice that seemed so inappropriate Blaine wanted to hug him. Instead, he nipped at the liquid, letting the burn run through him.

Sebastian was watching him carefully, waiting for a reaction.

Blaine focused on the taste for a moment. It was warm, the burn strangely smooth and pleasant down his throat, before it settled inside him. "I think I see your point," he said.

When he looked up, Sebastian was smiling. No edge, no hidden joke, just… happiness.

Blaine had to turn away. He wasn't sure about how he felt. There was happiness somewhere in there, but also sadness, fear and courage, pride, and the hilarity of stepping out into the open, leaving the past behind and starting new.

"I guess I'm taking your old room," he said, trying to distract himself before he could get too lost in his own thoughts.

"It always felt like yours anyway," Sebastian said. He stayed back at first, as Blaine walked inside.

The room had barely changed, even though Sebastian had moved out months ago. The bed sheets were green silk, the bookshelf was stacked with comics, some books he knew belonged to Cooper, and an occasional French book that he figured Sebastian must have left. A Captain America poster was hanging over the bed, beside the first season promotional poster for Ripper, probably courtesy of Cooper. There was a desk, and as Blaine looked closer, he found a stack of empty sheet music. He let his hand rest on them for a moment. He hadn't written music in quite a while, but suddenly, he felt the urge. There was definitely enough turmoil right now in his head, and this might just be the way to express them. Eventually, his hands came resting on a little music box. Curiously, he started to wind up the key. Bell like, it started to play La Vie En Rose.

"I thought you might like it," Sebastian said, close now. Blaine hadn't noticed him following. He wished to turn around, to thank him, but he couldn't tear his eyes from the box.

Sebastian's hand rested on his arm, warm, and solid, and real. Slowly, Blaine looked up, unable to hide the moisture in his eyes.

Sebastian looked surprised for a second. "Is this okay?" he asked.

All Blaine could do was to nod. His heart was beating so strongly it was pounding inside his head. He blinked, tried to dispel the tears before they spilled, but from the worried look on Sebastian's face, he wasn't quite successful.

Sebastian's hand rested on his cheek his thumb stroking slowly, over the skin, gathering the first drops.

"Blaine…"

The sound of his name broke the spell. A million thoughts and questions were threatening to flood into Blaine's consciousness, but he forced them down. He was done with thinking. He had spent four years thinking and he was tired of it. For once, he wanted to go with what he felt.

He rose onto the tips of his toes, looking straight into Sebastian's eyes, waiting for a protest that wasn't coming. Instead, he put a hand onto the other man's cheek, mirroring his gestures, and then bowed forward, to slot their lips together.

Sebastian reacted immediately, kissing back sweeter, softer, slower than Blaine had expected. For just a second there was that old instinct, that this was forbidden, until he remembered it wasn't. One of Sebastian's hands found its way into Blaine's curls, and the kiss deepened, as if on instinct.

Blaine was still falling, but it was different. Before, there had been insecurity and fear. Now, the rush of adrenaline muted everything else.

When you know there's someone to catch you, falling feels a lot like flying.

Maybe it was loneliness, grasping for anything to ground him. Maybe it was just lust, finally allowing himself what he had forbidden himself to even think about for too long. Maybe it was a sign of faith, baring himself and giving himself into Sebastian's hands, trusting him to take him apart, and put him back together. But for once, right now, it didn't matter. Right now, this was what he wanted. Everything else – his future, divorce, a career, a new home, new friendships, and whatever he and Sebastian really were – could wait until tomorrow. Whatever was coming, he wouldn't face it alone.

And through it all, he knew. He knew when Sebastian lowered him onto the bed, when their clothes were discarded, when he let Sebastian in, and then, in bright clarity as he came, the world falling away into a white-out. He came to himself with Sebastian lying down behind him, his arms strong and solid, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades.

"Are you okay?" Sebastian asked, his voice hoarse in a way that struck Blaine right to the core.

Was he, though? It was too soon to tell. Too much had happened. And still, he felt serene, calm, not a worry in his mind.

So, he smiled, taking Sebastian's hand and entwining their fingers right there over his heart.

"I will be."

It would take time, and patience. It wouldn't be tomorrow, or next week, or next month. But sooner or later, he'd build his life back up again.

Sooner or later, Blaine would be okay.

Fin