NOTES: iSoooo did you guys vote? I hope everybody votes. GO VOTE! Tuesday's it, last chance. Anyways, Jay, from Twitter showed me the biggest UGH. Marvel trying to spread a rumor about Wolvie and Storm. First off: I love Storm, she is a sexy badass. She's loyal and strong and smart and gorgeous...but the sexual chemistry between her and Logan is as spicy as a four day old boiled potato. It's almost as bad as the left-in-the-sun mayonnaise sandwich that is Jott. Now, friendship-wise, I do ship RoLo all over. There's a deep respect that runs between them but...sexual chemistry? Like wanting to jump each other's bones? No Marvel. NO. Stop trying to make RoLo happen, it's not happening. They're amazing friends, you leave them be! Honestly Storm is not crazy enough to work with Logan, she needs somebody more level headed to join in her chill earth-mother vibe. She needs, like, somebody royal. She does not need Logan's psycho in her life. But Jean- now there, and fine I may be biased, but- there's the fireworks. I stan crazy Jean with every beat of my heart, I stan her hard. She and Logan were meant to fight and fuck and love and hate and create beautiful literary tomes with their I-failed-anger-management altercations. I totally get her. I identify with her on, like, a white-hot-room type spiritual plane. Please don't ask why, heh. ALSO, lest I forget, shout outs to my lurkers (may your lurking forever reign) and also Elise, Erin, Lisa, Team5ds, medred, MAB, Jay and Sherridin for their awesome reviews, I LOVE IT! More positive reinforcement than I ever get at work or home, anyways. So, we move to a Logan/Jean two person broadway play about to unfold, basically. Read on./i
DAY 2
After a night of restless sleep, slipping through dreams and nightmares like quicksilver, I set out for Logan at first light.
When I'd told him he needed to go somewhere safe, somewhere far from anyone or anything, he took me seriously. And if there was a man alive who knew where the most lonesome, desolate and forgotten places existed, it was Logan. It was difficult for me to track him, and even harder to hold a psychic lock on him. His mind kept fading in and out, and it was more like playing a poorly directed game of hot and cold than reading a map, but I didn't give up. By the time I got to him, it was midday and the sun was burning hot, a low-hanging burning ball of orange against a dusty sky in the middle of nowhere.
I had no idea where I was. I'd exited several portals, faced several false starts and I'd travelled so many miles I wasn't even sure what direction I was heading in anymore. I'd started on foot, I'd flown partway, and now I found myself climbing up the side of a short, rocky mountain after hiking through acres of dense forest. I realized by this point I probably should have dressed for an expedition rather than in my costume, which afforded little to no protection from the elements; but it was too late. I pulled myself to the top, and sat down to breathe. He was close, I could feel it. I looked to my left and saw a a crevasse. If I hadn't have been looking I wouldn't have realized it; but it was the entrance to a cave.
Finally I thought, mentally exhaling. My muscles aching, I stood up, and walked over to the entrance. I had to duck a little to get inside, but then the area expanded and was quite roomy.
Logan was inside. He was sitting in the cave, his back against the rocky wall. He had on his full uniform, but when he turned to see me, he took off the cowl in one sweep. He ran his hand through his wild shock of hair, his blue eyes locking onto mine. Without moving or saying a word, still slouched against the wall, he looked up at me with a bleak expression that made my stomach tighten.
"Hey," I said softly, walking farther into the cave, until I was standing across from him.
"Hey," he responded, deep voice echoing faintly.
"You know I have something to say, but... you look like you have something to say first," I offered hesitantly, walking closer to him.
"You usin' your powers?" Logan asked, the ghost of a smile on his face.
"No. I just know you," I replied, slowly sliding down against the opposite cave wall until we were toe to toe, both sitting, facing each other. To tell the truth, I wasn't sure what it was going to be like between us, alone after everything that had happened. I had to remind myself that he had no idea about what I'd been through the last few days; all he'd known was that I'd dumped him for Scott, nearly killed a couple strippers and then told him to get lost in the wilderness because our lives were mysteriously, vaguely in danger. I couldn't imagine what was going through his head, but I couldn't imagine it was anything good. I couldn't imagine that I looked like any kind of a good guy at this point.
"Jeannie... Listen. I love you..." he began, avoiding eye contact.
I sat quietly, not moving, not blinking. "Jeannie, I love you but," I finished for him, staring straight at his face. He didn't return my gaze.
He gave an audible sigh.
"Don't make me say it," he replied, "I love ya but, I can't keep doin' this. I don't wanna keep doing this," he said, voice flat. He still wouldn't look at me.
"This, as in, us?" I asked, squeezing my hands into fists tightly, willing myself to breathe.
"This crazy back an' forth, Jean. This playin' me against Scott, this... this is playin' me, Jeannie. I ain't stupid, and I ain't a patsy. I'm not just gonna sit by an' get taken advantage of, no matter how much I love ya."
"I'm not playing you Logan," I responded, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. "That could not be farther from the truth."
He looked up at me and his eyes flashed with annoyance, anger. There was hurt, too. I realized it was foolish of me to think I could fix everything without consequences, to think that things done could be easily undone. It was never that simple.
"Then what is this, darlin'? Because you tell me you wanna be together, and then all in one night, ya change your mind. I've loved ya for decades. Almost since the moment I laid eyes on ya. And this time, this time when we were together, it felt so... felt so fuckin' real this time." I could feel his whole body tense.
I knew Logan didn't like to talk about his emotions. I knew it was hard for him, and I the fact that he was pushing himself to do it now either meant that he was trying for us, or he was preparing to end us. I didn't know which it was.
"Goddamn it, Jeannie. It just... It felt real. I thought this was it. This was the thing I've been searchin' for for God knows how long. Who knows how many centuries, whatever time it took me ta get to this place in my life, with you."
"I felt the same... I still feel the same," I pressed, trying to reach one hand out, but he shrank back from my touch.
"Then you're lyin'," he responded, harshly. I could tell he said it out of pain, but it didn't make it sting any less to hear.
I didn't want to continue down this path. I needed to face my own fears, and tell him what I'd brought him here for. Even out the playing field a little, lay it all out and then let him decide if I, if we, were worth it or not. Mentally, I tried to steel myself, to open the words I'd kept locked up so tightly, and let the truth out.
"You're right. I am lying. I did lie, Logan. I lied to you, because I had to," I said, voice raw.
"Whattya mean, you had to?" he asked, caught off guard. His voice was a growl. I could tell, his defenses were up.
"I was blackmailed," I said simply.
There was a moment of silence between us, and I knew Logan hadn't expected me to say what I'd said, nor had he comprehended it.
"Blackmailed?" he repeated, staring at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. "You were blackmailed? By who?"
"That night," I said, hands around my knees, looking past him, staring at the rock wall of the cave to keep myself from being distracted or overcome with emotion. "That night I left for the hatchery. It happened then."
"You met with a lawyer," Logan continued. He was looking right at me now, like he was trying to solve a puzzle. "Or did ya?
I shook my head, swallowing hard. "I don't know. I don't... I don't know who she was. Or what she was. Or if it was really even a she, or more of an it. I thought... I thought she was a lawyer though, at first. She did try to make me sign a contract."
"What kinda contract?" Logan asked, gaze sharpening further, his eyebrows were screwed up like he couldn't believe half of what I was saying, or make sense of it. That made two of us. I could tell he'd switched into hunter mode and was listening carefully to every word I said, sniffing out the truth, the lie, the subtext beneath the words.
"A contract that said I wasn't allowed to be with you- at least not romantically, and that I had to keep up public appearances with Scott."
"What in tha hell?" Logan said, sitting up straighter and staring at me like he thought I'd lost my mind. I almost wish I had. "What kinda bullshit is that?"
"That's what I said too, at the time," I agreed. "It was crazy. It was bullshit. I wasn't going to sign it. I got up to leave, and she told me to come back because there was something I needed to see before I walked out."
"What'd she show ya?" Logan asked, suspicion creeping into his voice. He was following along with the story now, and he knew that whatever it was she had on me, it had to be something big. Still I couldn't imagine he ever would have suspected just how big.
I took a deep breath. I'd run over again and again in my mind how to tell him. None of it was easy. But I had to try. This was my one and only chance.
"Logan," I said, "Look at me. Please."
He acquiesced and looked me in the eye, his blue gazing into my green.
"When you killed me," I started, speaking slowly and softly, reaching one hand out to touch his fingers. "I was pregnant."
I could see Logan's eyes widen, his pupils constrict. He had a physical reaction, he jerked back from me.
"No..." he said. "No... that can't be..what the hell. What the hell are ya sayin', Jean?"
"Yes," I said calmly, trying to keep the same even tone. "There was no way you could've known, Logan. I didn't even know. I had no idea. It was so early, too early, it was... it's not your fault. It's not. We didn't know."
"No," he repeated, eyes darting around in panic, bringing his hands up to his head. "Fuck, no, Jeannie. Don't tell me that. It was ours? No, no, no. This can't be. This can't be, ah fuck."
"Logan," I continued, reaching out and putting one hand on his knee. "She's alive."
Logan's gaze instantly snapped to attention and he stared at me. "Alive?" he asked, dumbfounded, as if he hadn't even heard me. He was staring at me, mouth agape; he looked wild, confused, edgy. I could feel the adrenaline flooding him, the despair, the confusion, the suspicion like an inky cloud covering his mind.
"You and I have a child together. And she is alive, Logan. They rescued the embryo, after I died, and they grew her, the same way they grew us. She's still a newborn, but she is the most perfect, beautiful baby I've ever seen in my life. And she is alive," as I said the last word, squeezing his hands in mine, a tear slipped out and ran down my cheek. Even talking about her, even now, I wanted to hold her.
"The fuck..." Logan whispered, looking at me, eyes beseeching. "God... are ya.. yer serious, Jean? This ain't some story? This is real?" He demanded, still staring at me like he'd seen a ghost.
"This is the truth," I said with conviction, feeling the crushing weight on my chest lift somewhat. I took fresh air into my lungs, like I could breathe again for the first time in a long time. "I am telling you the truth."
"We..." Logan started, staring at me. "We... have a baby, Jeannie? Holy shit, we have a baby. We- wait, why? Why didn't ya tell me?" he interrogated, voice almost angry.
"Because," I said licking my lips, "I was told, by that 'lawyer,' by that bitch, that if I told you, our baby's life would be in danger. So I had to make a choice. I made the choice to protect her. Logan, I never stopped loving you. Never."
Logan's expression suddenly changed, from shocked and wary to understanding. He took my face gently in his rough hands.
"Aw, no. Jeannie, baby..." he said, in that low voice, and at the first note of sympathy, I crumbled. He tilted my chin up in a practiced gesture and kissed me on the lips, and I leaned in, eager to lose myself, lose the sorrow I'd been holding.
"Jeannie," he said again, breaking off the kiss, and he didn't sound angry anymore, he sounded astonished, hopeful. Then he took me into his arms, embraced me against him. He was so solid, his arms were strong, secure. It felt good. It felt good to have that comfort.
"I'm so sorry, darlin'," he whispered into my hair. "I'm so sorry ya had to go through all this'."
I didn't say anything. I was tired of talking, I was tired of leading, I was tired of being strong, and I just wanted to be held and loved and most of all, understood. We stayed there, in that lonely cave, locked in a silent embrace, for a long time. We finally pulled apart, and I quickly wiped away tears with the heel of my hand.
"Hey..." Logan said, a grin on his face, "Yer wearin' the ring."
I'd almost forgotten, in the midst of all this, but yes, I had put it on before I started the journey.
"Does that mean..?" he asked lifting one eyebrow.
"Yes, I will marry you," I said, laughing at what a mess this was. Literally and figuratively. My nose was running, my costume was torn and dirty from the journey. I was about one wrong move away from a breakdown and we were sitting in a desolate cave in some godforsaken empty country. This was really not how I thought a proposal would go. This was not the instagram ready proposal I'd accepted from Scott all these years ago. But that fit my life then. Maybe this fit my life, now.
"Jeannie- We have a little girl?" Logan repeated like he couldn't believe it.
"Yeah," I said, attempting to wipe at my face, pulling my tangled hair back into a ponytail. "It's crazy, isn't it? It's insane. Sometimes I'm not sure I even believe it, but I've seen her, I've held her. I've been calling her Echo."
"Pretty name. Why Echo?" Logan mused, reaching out and tucking away an errant strand of my hair behind my ear.
"It's uh... it wasn't exactly my idea. I wish I could tell you I was being creative, but when they showed her to me...well, all the babies, they had name tags on their isolettes."
"What kinda names?" Logan asked, and his voice bore the hint of that dangerous tone I knew too well. He was too damn sharp for his own good sometimes, even at times like this. It's why he was the best he was at what he did, but right now, it was veering into territory I was hoping to avoid. At least for a little longer. But I'd also vowed to myself no more lies.
"They..." I hesitated, momentarily halting, but then proceeding with the truth. "They were labeled by ICAO designation."
He stared at me, long enough to make me feel uncomfortable.
"What the hell were they doin' with those babies, Jeannie?" he asked me.
"I don't know," I said, holding my hands up. "I mean- nothing good. It's not a good situation, and that's why I'm trying to get her out, without any of us getting hurt. I don't know who the rest of the babies belong to. I just needed to protect Echo, I needed to protect her first."
"Yer damn straight we gotta protect her, maybe nobody told you what they're doin', but this is a story that's all too familiar if ya ask me," Logan growled, a gathering thundercloud escalating in his mind. "Ya give someone a designation like that, it's for one reason. To dehumanize 'em. And why the hell do ya think they need to dehumanize a bunch 'a newborn orphans, Jean? 'Cause I can think o' the most obvious one."
He was right. I knew it, and he knew it. But he wasn't seeing the bigger picture, and more than anything that was what I needed from him right now.
"Listen Logan, if we are going to do this right, I need you to calm down, okay? There's a plan," I said, resting my hands against his chest, trying to placate him enough to listen to reason.
"Whose plan?" He retorted, eyes flashing, and I knew I was treading thin ice.
"Magneto knows about this, he came up with-" I started, before Logan cut me off.
"You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me," Logan snarled. "Magneto's helpin' us out? More like throwin' us under the goddamn bus the second he has a chance. I don't trust that asshole farther than I can throw 'im. He hasn't exactly been buddies with me lately since I stole his helmet, and if ya really think he's gonna help me next time he sees me rather than strip my adamantium an' leave me there to die, ya musta been born yesterday."
"No, listen, Logan, just listen," I pleaded. "Erik genuinely meant what he said. He let me in his head, I saw it, I saw his intentions. He's done with the part of the Quiet Council that allowed this, he's trying to help us. To help all of them. We can't do this alone, it's bigger than the both of us."
I was hoping that Logan would see reason, but that hope was thinning.
"Magneto wants ta help. Yeah, wants to help 'til it becomes a hindrance then just watch him turn into the two faced fuckin' snake he is." Logan spat. "That man's rotten to his core. Ya trust him Jean, or ya trust me? 'Cause it can't be both of us," Logan retorted. "I don't give a shit what he said, we gotta get her out and we gotta do it now."
"Logan, STOP-" I said, raising my voice.
"We gotta go, Jeannie," he said urgently, grabbing my hand and standing, and I could feel the anger burning at the edges of his mind, threatening to engage the beast.
"Logan, listen to me," I said, grabbing hold of his arm and pulling back. "LISTEN. You can't do this."
"Ain't the time to listen, it's time ta act," he said, roughly shaking me off.
"Logan, dammit, this is why I didn't tell you in the first place!" I yelled at him, voice echoing off the walls. "Because of this! You made me lie!"
He stopped in his tracks, and stared at me, confused.
"Please...Don't make me stop you, because I will," I said in a quiet, strained voice, despair filling me. We stood facing each other, him and I.
"Say it again," he demanded, standing stock still.
"Say what?" I asked him, even though in my heart, I knew.
"That's why ya didn't tell me, isn't it Jean," he said, voice strained. "The real reason. Not because some lawyer was threatinin' ya. Because you didn't trust me."
"Tell me I'm wrong!" I shouted back at him. "Look at the way you're acting. This isn't going to save Echo! This is going to get us killed, this is going to get us all killed, Logan! You can't control your temper. It's not the first time we've had this argument and it probably won't be the last. But I will not let your recklessness get her hurt. If I have to die trying I will."
Logan stared at me like I was a stranger. He had an odd mix of emotions running through him, and even though I wasn't actively trying to read him it was so strong I felt it move through my own body like a cold sweat.
"If ya can't trust me Jeannie, then what are we?" he asked plaintively.
I didn't reply. We were standing now, face to to face, alone in the semi-darkness of the cave. I saw Logan's profile in stark relief as he looked away from me.
"If ya can't trust me to help you with this.." he started, the stopped. I couldn't read him. I didn't know what he was trying to say, or why he was having trouble getting it out.
"Then what?" I asked him. I was full on flight or fight, ready to stop him, ready to die, as we stood there locked at an impasse.
"Then how do ya trust me to be a father to our child," he finished. Then he gave me a brief, furtive glance with guilt stricken eyes, then pulled his cowl back up, turning away from me. Shutting himself off from me. I could tell what he was doing. Logan was too vulnerable right now. Wolverine was not. He would face imminent death, face terrifying beasts and monsters, teeth and claws, bullets and swords, but he didn't want to face this. For him, this was harder.
"Logan.." I said, voice faltering. Slowly, I reached out one hand to touch his shoulder.
"Jus' leave me the fuck alone, all right?" came his rough voice. "Get out while ya still can. The body count o' the women I've loved is high enough already. I don't need ya included. Just go," he intoned, emotionless. "I ain't good for ya, and I sure as hell ain't good for a baby. Ya don't have to say it. We both know it."
My fingers halted, inches from his skin.
"No," I said softly, the word filled with tenderness.
I made contact, pressing the pads of my fingers against his bicep. He didn't move. He didn't flinch, but he didn't turn towards me either.
"No," I continued, focusing on the small contact between us. "It's not just a baby. It's your baby. She is yours. And I'm yours. And you're mine. I'm sorry Logan. You can't run from this, and you can't hide from it. You're stuck with us. Get used to it."
He turned his head towards me sharply. "Don't touch me Jeannie. Don't do that."
I ran my fingers slowly up his shoulder, moved carefully closer to him.
"Leave me the fuck alone Jeannie. I don't deserve this. Any o' this. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve a daughter. You've seen my other kids. Everybody's fucked up. I wasn't there for 'em, and when I was it didn't do 'em any good, I..."
"Hey," I said, moving in. Carefully, I put my hands around his shoulders. He felt like a block of stone. "Hey... this is different. She's a baby. You're going to be there for her. You're not going to disappoint her, you're going to love her, like you love me. You're a good man Logan. You are a good man. You have a good heart. It's why I love you."
"Fuck, Jeannie, don't do this," he said, his teeth gritted.
"What's that you said to me? So long ago, when were facing death for the hundreth time?" I continued, leaning into him, "You and me against the world? Yeah. You were right. You were right all along Logan. Be the person I know you are. I love you."
I felt him shudder, and then one arm moved to lock me into the embrace.
"I love you," I said, kissing him on the face, brushing up against his sideburns, pushing off his mask, "We do this together."
He fell to his knees, his face pressed against my stomach, hand against my hipbone.
"I never meant ta hurt ya Jeannie. I never meant to hurt her, my God. If I knew... If I'd known, I swear to ya.."
"Shhh. I know Logan, I know," I said, running my hands through his hair as he held himself still against me.
It was an odd, triumphant, bittersweet feeling. I felt a love for him surge; through him, through me, bonding the both of us. I realized this wasn't just a symbolic gesture. He was submitting to me. He was letting me love him. He was taking the biggest risk, especially for someone whose fierce independence and ability to work alone characterized who he was down to his very bones.
It was new for me too. I had never had something this visceral before, not with Scott. I'd had the pleasantries, the pretenses, I'd had the exterior that was polished, flawless and gorgeous. But I'd never felt it in my blood like this.
But we needed this, this closeness, if we were going to make it. Somewhere we had moved from friends, to lovers, to family. And now it was going to be put to the test, to see if we were ready to begin the most difficult rescue mission of our lives.