Lexa walked to Clarke's room. She was in a hurry, but she tried not to run, although it took all of her self-control not to.
When she was right in front of the door, her guards open them for her, and she entered the room.
The first she saw was Clarke sitting upright in her bed. She was still pale, but her cheeks had a light red blush on them. Maybe from the fever her body was fighting against the last few weeks.
The next she noticed were Clarke's hands. She was holding a glass of water with both her hands. Her hands were trembling a little bit, but she guessed that was normal, considering for how long she was unconscious. Her muscles need to regain strength.
"We should talk!", Lexa's inspection was interrupted by Abby who was suddenly standing next to her. She lied her hand on Lexa's shoulder to get her attention.
Lexa was confused. Clarke was up again, she seemed to be fine. So, what was so important that she couldn't talk to her first. She had so much to tell her, but she nodded and was dragged to the window in Clarke's room, as far away from Clarke as possible.
Abby took a short glimpse at Clarke.
She whispered. "Clarke just woke up. Her mind needs to settle again. It will take some time for her to get back to her old self."
Abby's voice was trembling, and Lexa could feel that something must be wrong. Abby seemed that she needed to convince herself first.
Lexa looked to Clarke and back to Abby. "What do you mean? She seems fine."
Abby was holding something back. Lexa could feel it.
"Well, I'm not sure. She hit her head really bad, when she felt, and this caused her brain to swell a bit. When she was unconscious the fluids around her brain started to put a lot of pressure on it."
Lexa didn't understand anything Abby was telling her, but it sounded really serious. Yet it didn't make any sense to her.
Clarke was awake. How could it be still bad then.
Abby could see the confusion in Lexa's eyes, and she continued.
"She lost a part of her short memory. Clarke's not remembering the last few weeks."
Now it clicked. "Weeks?", Lexa asked. It was more to herself than to Abby. But Abby nodded.
That meant that Clarke don't remember the whole time she was here in Polis. The time they spent to rebuild their relationship. Everything they went through. Nothing.
Lexa stared into the void.
She didn't know what to say or do. She expected a lot, but not that.
"Will her memory come back?"
Abby had a sad look on her face. "I don't know. Sometimes it returns and sometimes not. But you could try and help her to remember. Talk to her. Mention some things that have happened when she was here. Tell her about different things. Most of the times, it helps."
Lexa looked back to Clarke.
Clarke was watching her since she entered the room. But why didn't she say anything yet.
Lexa felt unsure of herself and what to do.
Abby could fell it. She put her hand on Lexa's arm.
"I'll give you two some time. Just try it, she'll tell you if she has enough. But don't force anything! It'll take time!"
Abby gave her a small smile and left the room.
Lexa was still standing at the window. She watched Abby leaving and how the doors were closed. Somehow the doors suddenly seemed very interesting to her. She starred at them for a while, just to avoid the unpleasant situation.
After a while she took all her strength together and looked at Clarke who was still watching her. Their eyes met and Lexa felt a cold shimmer running down her spine.
She had so many dreams of how their first meeting would be when Clarke woke up again, but none of them were as cold as it was now.
Lexa took a few steps towards the bed. She needed to make the first step. She needed to know where they are standing at.
When she stood at the end of the bed she stopped. She left Clarke some space and looked at her again.
"How are you feeling?", she asked. It wouldn't be a good idea to push it too far.
Clarke looked at her. Her eyes were full of hate and anger, but she was feeling too weak and tired to do much. She would have preferred to be back in Arkadia with her friends and mother. But she had no choice right now. Her mother had told her what have happened, but it didn't make any sense to her. But she knew it wouldn't be good to cut Lexa off, at least not now. A lot seemed to have happened the last few weeks and for Lexa the memories were still there. But for her, it was like none of it had happened.
"My head aches and every muscle feels sore!", she answered with a neutral tone.
Lexa was relieved. For a few moments she accepted Clarke not answering her.
"I'm glad to hear that."
Clarke raised an eyebrow. "Not much has changed, has it?"
"What do you mean?", Lexa didn't know what she did wrong.
Clarke shook her head lightly. "You still like to see me suffer!"
Lexa was shocked. "No, not at all. I meant it's good that you feel something again", she had problems finding the right words.
Clarke exhaled annoyed, what made Lexa even more unsure of herself. She said quietly.
"You gave me a hard time. There were a few moments I thought you wouldn't make it. I was afraid of losing you!"
It was out. She kept it to herself for too long. Clarke needed to her that.
Lexa saw that Clarke didn't accepted this. She stared at her for a while, and Lexa could see that her eyes lightened up a little, but just for a few seconds. When Clarke started speaking again, the light was gone, and the anger was back.
"You lost me a long time ago! Well for me it feels like yesterday, but for you it must be a long time. But I think you remember the night at Mount Weather. The night you chose to abandon me there? The night you betrayed me and my people?"
Lexa looked to the ground. They were there again. She remembered how hard it was to get Clarke's trust back. How long it took for her to forgive her.
"I'm sorry Clarke! I really am!", she looked back at Clarke.
Clarke smirked lightly and shook her head. "Yeah sure. I'm not sure what have happened here. What happened that I forgave you, but right now I don't see any chance that this will happen again. I'm thankful for your help, but as soon as I'm better, we'll leave. For good!"
Lexa was frozen. The cold and hate in Clarke's voice hurt her more, than she'd accepted it to.
"But Clarke, you have to believe me, I had no other choice. But if we would stand there today, I'd choose you first. I promise!"
She couldn't lose her again. If Clarke leaves, she knew there was no chance for them.
Clarke watched her for a moment. She could feel, that Lexa was telling the truth. But the pain she felt back at Mount Weather was still too fresh. She trusted Lexa. She chose her over her people. She fought for her, she tried to convince her people to trust her, but she betrayed her anyway. After all they been through together.
She couldn't deal with her right now. Her head started aching again really bad and this conversation, her feelings, Lexa's sad look were just too much for her.
"You should leave now. I need some time to think about some things!"
Lexa felt so much. Somehow it felt like when she lost Costia, just that Clarke was still here. But this wasn't her Clarke anymore and she didn't see a way to get her back.
She nodded lightly.
"Your mom told me to tell you some things that happened when you were here. Maybe they would help you to remember. If you feel ready to, just ask!"
Clarke wasn't sure if she wanted to. A lot seemed to have happened and from Lexa's look it seemed to be pretty intense. She wasn't ready for those memories. Not, yet.
Clarke nodded. "If I'm ready, maybe I will. Goodbye, Heda!"
It felt like a real goodbye, not a goodbye for now. Lexa turned around without another word and stormed out of the room. Not carrying if someone would see her or not. She was hurt and angry.
Lexa ran to her room and slammed the door behind her.
She stopped at her bathroom and felt to the ground. She was breathing heavily and mumbled to herself.
"Not again. You should have known better than this Lexa. First Costia, now Clarke."
She could feel some tears on her cheeks, and she wiped them away, but it didn't help. The next were following.
Every time she let someone in, her heart got broken. Why should it be different this time? She is Heda and it seemed that feelings don't do this job any good.
Lexa heard a voice in her head. It was far away, but she could hear it as clearly as if someone was standing next to her. "They make you weak. They distract you. If you won't be more careful, they will kill you. They want your power. So, keep yourself together and get your revenge. Let them suffer. Everyone that tries to hurt you, need to get hurt, too. Jus drein jus daun!"
Lexa was listening to the voice. The commanders in her head helped her a lot of times before. They wanted to help her, and it seemed they were the only one she could trust.
It took her a while, but she managed to control her breathing again and her tears stopped.
Lexa stood up and freshen up. When she was returning to her room, it got really dark outside. She totally lost track of time, but she didn't care.
Lexa left her room and said to one of the guards.
"Get the ambassadors and get Titus to the throne room right now! We have business that has to be done!"
Her voice was full of power and strength, just as it was before those damn Sky people came to her earth and tried to change everything.
She made her way to the empty throne room and sat down.
That's enough. There is no room for change. Everything was just fine before they came and it will be again, Lexa swore to herself and the commanders in her head.