Sticks glared daggers down at the two poorly disguised robots floating in front of her, her pupils having sharpened into narrow slits that conveyed silent fury. To anyone else it was clear that the two 'Mormons' were Orbot and Cubot dressed like G-men, but to Sticks, whose very brain was currently hopped up on a veritable cocktail of hormones that was feeding her hyperactive libido, she didn't recognize them.
But she did have an idea of what they were supposed to be, ironically enough.
"You're not Mormons," Sticks growled, pointing an accusing finger at the two. "There hasn't been a Mormon on this island since the holy super bowl of nineteen aught seven!"
Cubot and Orbot shared a bemused look.
"I know what you really are."
"You do?" Orbot replied nervously, wiping away the oil leaking from his cranial chassis.
"Well, what am I then if not a Mormon?" Cubot asked.
"You're government dental spies!" she roared angrily.
"How did you know?" Cubot gasped dramatically. "What makes you think that? Did the big barrel of flouride give us away?" Cubot pointed to the comically oversized barrel labelled fluoride behind him.
"You're trying to fluorinate my water supply, aren't you?!"
"No, we're not. You've got it all wrong," Orbot denied hastily.
"Yeah, we're actually going to fluorinate your water supply, then plant listening devices in your home when you aren't looking," Cubot explained. "We're going to do two things because the government's always trying to control the sheeple with mind control towers, pod people and bleached flour. Democracy is a lie fabricated by aliens to make you buy gold... Any other conspiracy junk we can throw at her, Orbot? I mean, G-man number one?"
"Uh, jet fuel can't melt steel beams?" said Orbot.
"I knew it!" Sticks acclaimed loudly, a spark of madness twinkled in her eye. "They called me crazy, but I knew!"
"To be fair, everyone always refers to you as crazy. It's the one quirk that makes you endearing to the rest of the cast," Orbot politely added.
"Raaaaaaah!" Sticks flew in blind rage, throwing her hands up as her roars descended into feral hissing and shrill screeches. She chased after Orbot and Cubot who floated away as fast as they could screaming in terror at the top of their voice synthesizer modules.
She caught them in an instant, of course, then proceeded to tear them limb from limb with her bare hands out of sheer frustration. Wires, servos and scraps of clothing were strewn about Stick's home. The mechanical carnage left behind was enough to make an oven vomit in disgust.
Today was her special day, dagnabbit. Everything was going perfectly, then the government had to go and stick its nose where it didn't belong, just like it always did. Well, she's not going to take this kind of interference laying down. She's going to sail Tails's uncharted waters, even if it meant teaching 'the man' what happens when you mess with a girl's love life.
Four figures watched in horror from afar behind the bushes as Sticks gnawed on Cubot's cranial chassis, to which Cubot screamed in response. Sonic, Knuckles, Amy and Dr. Eggman fought hard to avert their gaze, yet found themselves unable to resist the sight of wanton cruelty.
"Oh, the agony! The computer simulated agony" Cubot crowed. "Why?! Why were we programmed to feel pain!"
"Shut down, Cubot! Save yourself!" Orbot, who was missing the lower half of his torso, cried out to his dear friend.
"I'm trying! File 'SHUTDOWN_EXE ' not found!"
"Look at that, the plan is going perfectly," coughed Eggman, finally working up the courage to tear his eyes away from the horrific scene.
"Well, we certainly drew her out," muttered Amy, cringing as Sticks began to pummel Orbot into the dirt with Cubot's severed arm in a comical display of slapstick humor.
"Know I regret this most bitterly, Orbot!" Cubot cried.
"I, oof! Understand, Cubot. Oof! This isn't, oof! Your fault, oof!" Orbot spoke in between pummelings.
"...I'm not going out there," Sonic breathed. "Something tells me we've bitten off more than we can chew."
"Someone's biting something alright," quipped Knuckles. "So, what now?"
"Fortunately for all of you, I've anticipated this kind of event and have created a contingency for it," replied Eggman as he pushed the button on his wrist and summoned forth an army of badniks from the Eggcruiser. "When all else falls, throw more robots at it. Minions, attack!" he declared, sending forth wave after wave of mechanized terror towards Sticks. He then turned to Sonic and the gang, "If you wanna save your shrimp of a friend, now is the best time to do it."
"Aw, man. So much for all the hard work I put into this costume," Amy grumbled dejectedly.
"You can lament about your costume after we've acquired Tails," uttered Sonic. "Now come on, let's move." He then zoomed off in a blue blur, his two friends keeping pace behind him.
They closed the gap in seconds, peering over their shoulders to make sure that Sticks was still preoccupied with the, in her own words, cold robotic spawns from heck. Seeing as she was sending each and every one of them to the big scrapheap in the sky without breaking a sweat it was safe to say that she was quite distracted with her one women war against government, corporations and just about every other topic conspiracy theorist whack jobs rant about.
"Alright, everybody. Into the burrow," commanded Amy.
They filed into quickly and slammed the door behind him, sighing with relief as they found Tails huddled in a corner nearby, hands over his head as violent rumblings rocked the burrow from the outside.
"Tails!" They all exclaimed, snapping Tails to attention. He brightened upon seeing his friends and immediately rushed on by.
"Guys, you made it!" Tails exclaimed.
"Told you so," Sonic smirked.
"Well, what took you so long!" Tails snapped suddenly, his jubilant smile drooping into a frown. "I was this close to having my ripe apple plucked!"
"O-oh, uh, about that," Sonic replied nervously, his smirk fell into a sheepish grin. "Um, well... You see... The thing is... There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this, and that reason is," he raised an accusing finger towards Amy. "It was Amy's fault," he pointed to the pink hedgehog, to which she could only glare at him indignantly.
"Sonic, you spiky blue rat!" Amy huffed furiously. She raised her hammer and readied herself to whack Sonic over the head, but decided against it at the last second. "Grr... We'll settle this later, Sonic. Right now, we've got to stop Sticks."
"No arguments there," said Sonic. "Let's roll!" He announced before leading the team outside.
"Wait!" Tails cried, causing everyone to come to screeching halt, nearly tripping over themselves. "I-I don't know if I can do it."
"Do what?" asked Knuckles.
"...Leave."
"Tails, what are you talking about?" Sonic asked.
Tails sighed. He had a faraway look in his eyes. "I've been away from civilization for too long. Isolated from the outside world with only nature and Sticks to comfort me. They're all I know anymore. My experience here has irrevocably altered my perception of the universe and I feel I cannot reintegrate back into society anymore. I'll be an outcast. Shunned by those I once called my people. Found, but eternally lost."
"Tails, cut the soliloquy. You've only been gone for a day," Sonic deadpanned.
"Yeah, and the village is right down the road from the jungle," added Knuckles.
"Guys, guys. This is clearly a textbook example of social isolation mixed with a smidgen of Stockholm syndrome," said Amy. "Luckily, I know just how to deal with this." She immediately whipped out her hammer and bopped Tails over the head before grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and shaking him like a rag doll. "STOP BEING CRAZY!?" she screamed in his face.
"Bwuah?! What the heck am I saying?" replied Tails, gripping at his head as his lucidity reasserted itself. "Alright, I think I'm fine now. Thanks for knocking some sense back into me. By the way, why are you guys dressed like that?" Tails asked, pointing to their ridiculous costumes. "Is that, tin foil and scotch tape?"
"I'm supposed to be a robot, okay!" Sonic snapped.
"As a part of the plan, Sonic was supposed to kidnap me, Rosy the Romantic!" Amy beamed, gesturing to her 'beautiful' dress. "But then the plan went south and now Sticks is outside destroying all of Eggman's robots."
"And I'm clone Knuckles!" declared Knuckles, pointing to the number two on his chest. "We are many, we are legion, we are the echidnas."
"Because of course you are," Tails remarked dryly. "So, what now?"
Sonic looked perplexed for a moment. "...You know, I didn't even think actually we'd make it this far. To be fair, I'm still kind of wearing down the shock of Sticks's robotic rampage outside." He concluded before ducking a piece of flaming metal that went soaring over his head. "Oh, would you look at that. She's activated her anti-robot apocalypse defense systems."
"How did we forget that she has that?" Amy groaned, bringing a hand to her face. "We literally helped her install it last month!"
True to Amy's words, Sticks's patented hysteria fueled mechanisms of feral wrath had been unleashed and were turned upon the iron legion that beset her home. It's efficiency in turning the unholy legions of malicious metal into smoldering lumps of misshapen scrap was frightening to put it lightly.
In the center of it all stood Sticks, furiously defending herself against the hordes of motobugs and bee bots that came her way, effortlessly bashing them aside with the limb of their robotic brethren in hand.
"Wow, I've never seen Sticks so wound up before," uttered Knuckles.
"It's about time you showed up!" Eggman ran over, catching his breath. His doctor's coat was in tatters and part of his moustache was singed. "You guys better do something, I can't bring in the kinetic cage unless she's sufficiently distracted! And as you can see," he gestured to the smoking pile of robots behind him, "I'm running out of robots to attack her with!"
"Well, we got who we came for, so we'll lend a hand," said Sonic. "Get to cover. When we give you the signal, send it in so we can end this madness, once and for all."
"Don't gotta tell me twice," muttered Eggman. "By the way, I'm sending you the bill for my bots!"
"Just put it on our tab," said Knuckles.
"You don't have a tab!" yelled Eggman before stomping away in frustration.
"Alright, team. Time for our rematch with Sticks," said Sonic, his fist raised in a heroic fashion. "Let's just hope it goes better than the last time."
"Alright, so what's the plan?" Tails asked.
"The plan is simple," declared Sonic. "So simple it's just crazy enough to work."
"This is a stupid plan..." Tails muttered beneath his breath as he approached Sticks. Sonic and the gang had retreated to the bushes with Eggman, watching from a safe distance as the fox slowly trekked towards his destiny.
"Are you sure this will work?" Amy whispered to Sonic.
"I'm about fifty percent sure Tails will be able to distract Sticks long enough for us to get the kinetic cage over to her and trap her inside," guessed Sonic.
"And the other fifty percent?" Amy raised an eyebrow and placed her hands on her hips.
Sonic chuckled nervously. "Uh, Sticks snatches Tails and retreats into her burrow and this entire debacle would've been completely pointless?"
"How reassuring..." Amy murmured, shooting a glare at Sonic.
"Don't look at me like that," he defended. "You're thinking the same thing I am. You don't wanna be near any of this, let alone confront Sticks."
"...I hate it when you're right," Amy glowered, crossing her arms.
"And you know how much I love being right," Sonic shot her a cocky smirk.
"Hey, would you two quarreling lovebirds pipe down! Shrimpy the two tailed fox is about to speak," shushed Eggman.
"H-hey, Sticks!" Tails croaked out hesitantly, causing the badger to immediately halt her mauling of some poor robot and turn her attention over to him. Her hateful scowl vanished from her visage, replaced with a smile of pure joy at the sight of her chosen mate. She dropped the ravaged piece of metal and rushed towards Tails, glomping him into a hug so tight his eyes practically bugged out of their sockets.
"Tails!" she exclaims joyously, burying her face into his fur. "Are you okay? Those nasty government dental robots didn't hurt you, did they?"
"No, no. I-I'm fine," replied Tails, pulling Sticks away. "I just... missed you, that's all" It wasn't a total lie, he thought to himself.
""Aw, I missed you too," smiled Sticks. "But enough chat. The robotic forces of evil have been thwarted, that means we can finally finish the mating ritual! Come on, we were right on the cusp of completing step thirteen, and then, cuddle time." she waggled her eyebrows suggestively. She began to walk away when Tails stopped her by grabbing firmly onto her shoulders.
"W-wait!" Tail stuttered loudly, turning Sticks around and maintaining eye contact with her. "Can't we just enjoy the view a little while longer before that?" He gestured around them. The jungle was positively littered with flaming junk, craters and activated death traps filled with metal robot corpses. "You know, to, uh, get into the mood of things?" He was pretty much talking out of his ass at this point.
"I can't believe it, this kid has no game," Eggman whispered incredulously, cringing at the scene.
"Well, I never said Tails was good at this," remarked Sonic.
"Shh!" Amy shushed. "Pay attention. Tails might throw up the signal at any moment now."
"Oh, I see what you mean," Sticks shot him bedroom eyes. "Wanna give yourself some time to get the juices flowing. Rawr," she clawed at the air playfully.
"Uh, yeah. That's exactly why, heh heh," Tails grinned sheepishly. "Juices flowing and stuff, uh..." he paused momentarily, flaring out his twin tails and flapping them up and down in sequential order.
"Something wrong with your tails, Tails?" Sticks asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, that?" Tails started breaking out into a cold sweat, his grin evening out into a nervous grimace. "It's just excitement."
"That's the signal!" Amy whispered loudly. "Eggman, send in the kinetic cage!"
"Sending in the cage!" Eggman announced, tapping the button on his wrist. The kinetic cage behind him whirred to life, sprouting its claw-like legs and skittering forward like a mechanical spider. It rustled past the bushes, making a beeline towards Sticks.
"Huh?" Sticks ears twitched. "That sounds just like the telltale skittering of a robotic cage running towards me." She was about to turn around when Tails stopped her again.
"It's just the wind!" Tails squeaked out in a panic. "Just look at my eyes."
"Oh, yeah," Sticks swooned. "I can stare at them all day lon- Hey! Wait a minute!" she shrieked, grabbed Tails's head and leaned in, focusing in on the reflection of his eyes. A loud gasp escaped her lips when she noticed the kinetic cage scurrying towards her, confirming her worst fears. "I knew it! There really was a robotic cage running towards me!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry about this!" Tails frowned before shoving Sticks hard onto the ground, enough to leave her befuddled. His heart ached in his chest as she stared up at him, eyes full of betrayal and heartbreak.
"Et tu, Tails?" she whispered wistfully.
Then the claw came.
The kinetic cage's energy sapping tendril wrapped itself around her leg, draining her of strength and rendering her vulnerable, completely at the mercy of the infernal machine. When she could no longer resist, it dragged her off the ground and deposited her within the confines of the cage. Once inside Sticks felt her strength return to her. Screaming wildly, she thrashed and raged against the cage's fluorescent walls, to no effect.
She didn't stop no matter how fruitless her attempts were. On and on she tried, slamming fist and body against the kinetic cage, futilely reaching out to Tails all the while he looked on guiltily. Steeling himself, he wrenched himself away from the sad sight before him and turned away, walking back towards the others with his head hung low.
The threat of Sticks and the 'it' had finally come to a close.
...At least, for the moment.