10-04-2020
Lot's of little things will happen in this chapter conversationally.
bachay means kid
meri jaan means my love
Chapter song: Don't Wanna Be Your Girl - Wet
Chapter Twelve – I don't wanna be your girl no more.
Friday, September 4th, 2015
CPOV
After last Friday's fiasco with Elliot, I remained holed up in my study working. I need a fuck, desperately so but I was shit out of luck.
I went to Sunday dinner and Mom told me that Anastasia had sent them cookies and flowers too. I kept the fact that I got my own batch of cookies and proceeded to take from their batch like a greedy child. Surprisingly, Elliot was absent. It had rarely ever happened but then again, I rarely attended Sunday family dinner. I found myself missing him. It was a foreign feeling.
He will never understand. Elena is the reason why I'm alive and now I'm a billionaire. She believed in me when no one else would.
My thoughts of Anastasia don't help. My body reacts anytime I think of her. Thankfully, Elliot is as predictable as they come so I figured out his instagram password, it's literally the same for everything he's ever had-– elliotg1988— and gave it to Barney to work his magic and download any videos or pictures of her.
Creepy? Yes. I can't help it.
Not to mention, I have security on her as well.
I have this insatiable need to know that she's safe. Her movements are limited. She's been holed up at home and only goes out for mundane errands or to SF Memorial. A little more digging revealed that she was a NICU baby cuddler.
The thought brought on an ache in my non-existent heart. In the midst of the whirlwind that was her life, she was still volunteering and giving herself to those in need.
I check the playlist she made for Seattle and everyday she adds a new song. It gives me an idea as to what she may be thinking. They all are songs about love and loss. Loss mostly.
Do I remind her of loss? No way, could love ever be a possibility here.
I've find myself wanting to talk to her but Welch keeps hitting a brick wall when it comes to finding her number, thankfully her email was easier to find.
I could email her. I open the email app on my laptop and stare at the blank message window.
What the fuck could I say to her? She heard everything; she would probably send me back a threat to stay the fuck away from her or file a restraining order against me. I close my eyes and slam the lid of the laptop. She too would never understand. The lifestyle is too complicated for people with simpler and
But she sent me cookies.
What the fuck?
I open the laptop again and begin to type but I only get as far as Dear Anastasia.
"Sir.' I look up and see Taylor standing at the door of my study. "Mrs. Lincoln is on her way up with a... guest." He says stoically but I register the slight annoyance in his voice.
I nod and dismiss him for the night.
Elena had been radio silent, till she texted me earlier in the week confirming our weekly Wednesday night dinner. I thought to blow her off but quickly realized she's my only friend. Sure she's annoying as shit but she's the only one who understands me.
Christian, you are meant for greater things. Don't let this setback bring you down. Look at what you have achieved, all on your own.
I didn't tell her about Elliot finding out, I didn't need her freaking out on me. I know for a fact he won't tell mom and dad. He maybe a man-whore but when it comes to his family and friends, he is true to his word. I refused to engage with her about Anastasia, even though she tried to pry for information. I wasn't going to tell her anything about my time with her and what we talked about. Those were my memories.
I'm telling you, they're primitive. They would never understand. I know you and I would never lie to you. I've only wanted the best for you, darling.
I have the perfect sub for you. Just meet her on Friday. I'll bring her by. She's a hot commodity and I wanted you to be the first to take a look at her. Nothing resets you like a good playroom session. Trust me.
I walk into the Great Room and see Elena walking out the elevator with a submissive dutifully following behind her. She heads towards the couches and takes a seat while the submissive remains standing with her head bowed. As I get closer, I can tell she's around 5'7", long brown hair reaching till her lower back, almost like Anastasia except this sub is taller than her, I muse to myself. She's wearing a black silk dress with thin straps, showing her pale skin. I feel my dick stir a little.
"Elena." I say as a greeting.
"Christian." She rises and smirks before kissing my cheek then gestures towards the submissive. "Meet Leila Williams."
I walk around and examine her.
"Look at me Miss Williams." I say in my Dom voice.
She raises her face gracefully and I look into her blue eyes. Her face is impassive but I clock that slight widening of her eyes when she finally sees my face up close. It's just a face. Looking down her body again, I see her body shift ever so slightly to clench her thighs and her nipples harden and poke through the fabric.
Perfect, she's already responding to my presence. My dick registers the development in front of me.
I notice that she's very attractive but her eyes catch my attention. They're not as beautiful and captivating as Anastasia's but it's enough to hold my interest and given the past two weeks of emotional turmoil I've been going through, I need a fucking release.
"Mrs. Lincoln, gave you a copy of my contract?"
"Yes, Sir. I have a signed copy." She hands me the manila envelope in her hands.
"No hard limits?" I raise an eyebrow. Intriguing.
"No, Sir." She says with smirk.
"Pain threshold? On a scale of 1-5, 5 being the absolute worst." I raise an eyebrow.
"6, Sir" She let's the last part seductively and I smirk back at her.
Just what I need; a bonafide pain slut.
The thought excites me to no end. This is the first sub that Elena has brought me that truly has no hard limits. She really won't know what hit her tonight.
I tell them both to wait 10 minutes and text Welch on my way to the study to do a quick and preliminary search on Leila Williams. In the meantime I take a seat back at my desk and look at the words across the screen that read Dear Anastasia. I delete them.
I need to move on.
Welch sent me the OK on Leila, letting me know that her background check came out squeaky clean. I walked back into the Great Room with two copies of my contract with her updated address Seattle address that was handwritten in on the signed copy she gave me, asking Leila to read it over again just in case.
She quickly scanned the contract and signed it. I dismissed Elena and alerted Taylor to bring Leila's bag from her car up to her room. In the meantime I led her up the stairs showing her new room. I walked past the open guest room door that Anastasia used to be in and shook my head. Move on, Christian.
I worked on Leila for three hours and she did not disappoint. She took everything I gave her without making a sound.
"You did well to please me, Miss Williams." I tell her.
"Thank you for your Dominance, Sir." She shakily replies while still on all fours after I let her cum, denying her an orgasm for the entire three hours. Her back and ass were a glorious shade of pink and strands of her hair had escaped her braided was a complete mess after I was done with her.
She was thoroughly fucked and mine to do with as I pleased for the entire weekend and foreseeable future.
"Stand up and look at me." This was new and I didn't exactly know why I was doing it. I never cared to look into a sub's eyes before after scene.
She stood up as gracefully as she could, completely naked and marked by my hands and implements. It was the sight I needed to add to my satisfaction.
I looked into her eyes; her face was flushed and satisfied. Not that I cared, my satisfaction was all that mattered to me but I found myself searching for something and being unable to find it. A few seconds later, I told her to clean up.
I dismissed her for the night, letting her know that there were painkillers and amica cream in her room followed by giving her my breakfast order. She claims to cook so we will see how good of a cook she really is.
After a shower, I lay in bed closing my eyes, willing sleep to find me.
I had nightmares again. A mixture of the pimp and the crack-whore and in some instances Anastasia. It would just be quick flashes of her but there were enough to wake me up instead of having Taylor shake me awake.
I need to move the fuck on.
For the remainder of the weekend, I thoroughly took my frustration out on Leila and she took whatver I gave silently. By Monday I was back to my usual self. Master of my Universe.
Elena was right; all I needed was a good punishment session to rid myself of the funk I was in.
Tuesday, September 8th, 2015
APOV
I was in Benny and Tom's apartment office having a quick video conference call to discuss the new updates on Project: Bury the Bitch Troll with Max. I had decided that waiting a whole month was going to fry my nerves and that a once a week update would be better. My curiosity always was a problem; that insatiable need to know things was something I couldn't ever do away with. Once something piqued my interest, I researched it to death and learned everything about it.
Case in point; Elena Lincoln and BDSM as a lifestyle.
"Alright comrades, I have information." Max said in his worst Russian accent.
"Speak, comrade." I giggled while Tom and Benny rolled their eyes.
"Steele, I'm going to be honest this will be..." He paused, trying to find the words. I saw his expression look a little grim. "It may seem disturbing."
I scoffed. "You mean to tell me, even more disturbing than what we found out last week?" What could be more worse than that?
"Christian Grey has taken Leila Williams on as a sub." Max informed us. "I'm sending you a scanned copy of the contract that she emailed Elena this night she signed it. In addition, I've sent Tom her text log with Elena Lincoln from last Thursday till this morning and it's... informative is the only word I can use."
Tom sends the file to print and quickly scans it before giving it to me. I can tell he's reluctant by the look in his eyes. Dad, Tom and Benny always got along so well and I know he sees me like his kid too.
I chew my bottom lip as I scan through the text logs and tears begin to fall from my eyes.
Saturday morning, September 5th.
Leila: The blue contacts were a good idea, he keeps asking to look in my eyes.
Leila: He makes me kneel in his study beside him naked with my hair open
Elena: That's new. Good he's living out some fantasy of that girl. Do whatever he says, hook him in
Leila: Oh, I'm going to hook him in real good!
Satuday night, September 5th.
Elena: What happened in today's session
Leila: We did suspension and a whole lot of anal with the belt and paddle for punishment. I topped from the bottom a little. Randomly he asked if I could sing which I don't. You said he doesn't talk to his subs.
Elena: Whenever her tries to make you do something like that, top from the bottom so he can punish you. He needs to punish that girl out of his system. He's acting like a fool.
Elena: Use the technique I showed you for blowjobs. He loves that.
Leila; Already did. Made him moan like horny teenager ;)
Elena: Good. What about the camera?
Leila: Will send you footage late tonight. He took pictures of me this afternoon. Hair open, kneeling in profile and then when I was trussed up and gagged. He said it was insurance.
Elena: Doesn't matter. The insurance we'll have on him is far more valuable.
I feel my bottom lip tremble and my eyes burn with tears.
"Steele, you okay?" Tom asks. I nod and remain silent.
"So, uh... yeah, they changed her appearance." Max shows us CCTV footage of Leila entering Esclava with shoulder length hair and then leaving with hair extensions. When she arrived at Escala and took the private elevator up, we saw her wearing a silk dress that looked very similar to the style that I was wearing at Armure in addition to her fake hair styled in waves and falling to her lower back. The same length as mine.
I'm going to cut off all my hair.
"So Leila stayed from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon." Max mumbles. "And then before she left, Grey exited the elevator with her and gave her a new red Audi A3." He shows me another angle of the CCTV of him presenting he with the key and sending her off.
"I see." I murmur. "Is that all Max?"
"Yeah. So far. Lincoln is leaving for the Cayman Island on Friday and won't be back until the 20th. Tom and Benny have people ready to look through her place and do a full sweep. I will be on standby to hack in if there's anything they find."
I remain quiet for a few moments and feel the anger start to spread through me at the thought of what these three people are doing and how I'm somehow caught in it, in a perversely abstract way.
He needs to punish that girl out of his system
"I want surveillance on Leila as well. Go through her apartment and I want her audio conversations with Leila recorded. I want as much irrefutable proof as possible." I say tersely.
"Got it. I'll upload this to private AHAK server. Benny and Tom will give you the credentials. We are the only 4 people who will be able to access it."
"Thank you, Max."
I nod and get up, leaving the printed out text log on the table and Tom walks me back to the house.
"Steele, you really okay?" He asks before I climb the steps to the front door. I turn around to him and shrug.
"I know there's not a lot that I know about life yet but... all of this has to be wrong on some level right? Like, it's kind of creepy don't you think?" I feel my breath catch in my throat and my tears finally spill out. "Like, having her look like me or asking questions about her singing... am I reading too much into it?"
"It is creepy yes but Elena is bad news and he needs to know. As for the whole sexual shit, I don't know what to tell you. Actually I do, but you're a kid and I won't corrupt your mind." He chuckles and I give him a hug.
"Thanks Tom." I murmur. "Thank you for trusting me."
"You got it, Annie. Try not to think too much about this. It's not worth losing sleep over."
I nod and go back into the house to join everyone for dinner by putting on a brave face yet again.
Wednesday, September 9th, 2015
APOV
I spent the whole night lying awake, listening to music, reading, thinking and nothing helped.
Checking the time again I saw it was 5:02AM. I got up and went down the kitchen to make myself some tea and sat on the outdoor stairs that lead from the kitchen to the backyard.
I sat in the still and cold of the early morning, watching the sky change color. My tea had gone cold and my mind was still racing.
"Aana?"
I turned to look up and saw Nana standing over me.
"Salaam, Nana." I gave a small smile.
"Why you sitting out here like this?"
I shrugged. "Can't sleep. I was about to text Benny or Tom asking if I could drive out to Ocean Beach."
"Is everything okay?"
"I just need to get away for a little bit, I guess." I murmured and got up. "I like the watching the water come in, helps me figure things out I think." I laugh a little and he smiles back at me.
"Mind if I join you? I was going to go for my morning walk but the beach sounds like a nice idea."
"I'd love that." I smile.
I text Mama and Nani letting them know where I'm going. They'll read it when they wake up.
Ever since I've come back from Seattle, Nana and I talk every other day over tea or after dinner. One on one. I suppose he's trying to make up for all the times he didn't really pay attention on me. I'm taking psych, philosophy 101 and we talk about what I'm learning which had led to some interesting conversations, normally ending him and Nani arguing over who is right and who's not. Usually the cousins always tell me about the business but it's interesting to finally hear from the source and have him ask my opinion on some potential acquisitions. He's trying to convince me to start working part time with AHAK and learn the ropes of the business some more. I told him I'd think about it.
Nana and I drove out to Ocean Beach in Nani's car, while Tom and Benny followed us. I don't get to drive much and it's my favorite thing to do, so right now driving through the empty SF streets is my version of heaven on earth.
Once I park, Benny and Nana head off on their walk while Tom stays near me, doing his morning workout.
I stand at the shoreline and just stare at the water come in and go. The sun rises higher and the day gets brighter but the fog lingers in my mind. I try some form of meditation to clear my mind and reach that level of stillness during paralysis but that was also because I couldn't feel anything. Right now, I feel every little goosebump, flick of my hair, warm tear, shiver and most of all, pain.
"You been rooted in this one spot for close to 20 minutes. Haven't even moved a muscle." I hear Nana's voice from behind me as he walks around to stand next me.
"Force of habit, I guess." I shrug quietly.
"What's on your mind?" I can feel his eyes staring down at me. "You can tell me anything." He offers and I know he means well but I can't discuss the Christian Elena shit with him.
I can't discuss it with anyone. Not Nani or Mama. Rania... maybe in time though she'd probably go beat his ass. Karan too, including Benny and Tom who I sense are chomping at the bit to have a go at him. I have no friends otherwise.
"You mean to tell me, Benny and Tom haven't already told you?" I raise and eyebrow trying my best not to smile but a giggle escapes me.
"No, they haven't. I understand that this is something you need to do. I trust their judgment as I do yours. My only concern is your safety, when and if that is ever a concern then yes they will tell me." He replies.
"I think I've made a mistake." I say shakily and look out at the water. "I've opened pandora's box and I can't put it back."
"I see." He says. "You're doing this to help him. Isn't that right?"
"I'm not sure he needs it and by going down this route, I may be exposing you all to a lawsuit and I'm sorry about that."
He laughs. "Aana, you don't have to worry on that front. He won't come after us. He has more to lose." I look up at him and he meets my gaze. "You feel like you owe him?"
"Yeah." I look away quickly but the tears start to fall. "I feel like I've constantly been in everyone's debt and I have nothing to give to pay it off."
He puts his hand on the back of my head. "Do you remember what I told you the day you converted?"
"To save one life is to save all of humanity." I say. "But I'm not trying to save his life... I just want him to know the truth or maybe he already does and he doesn't care. I don't know. I've gotten myself into this mess and—" I hiccup and find it hard to breathe all of a sudden.
He pulls me in for a hug and I cry and he rubs my back and kisses the top of my head. "The right thing is always hard to do." He whispers.
After a few moments he asks me about therapy and I tell him I don't like this new one and am on the lookout again.
"All men are a little lost in the beginning of their lives Aana." Nana says. "Christian unfortunately is a lost boy. He's still searching."
I wipe my eyes and look at him. "How can you tell?"
"He wants to feel worthy. There's a reason why I remembered him from the Harvard seminar. It wasn't just because he has been the only person who's asked me a profound question in all the years I've been doing this but that, well, it's right there in his eyes. He's lost and he's desperately trying to hide it. All this success, money and flashy cars – its compensation."
"The same could be said for me. I'm lost too." I stare at the water.
"Therein lies the difference. You know you're lost and you're trying to find yourself. He's too afraid to do that. He's focusing on the fleeting and superficial."
"I don't think I ever will." I murmur with a thick voice.
"When I first met you, I told Aisha and Nita that you have the power to make people show people what they need before they ever realize it for themselves."
I look at him and he smiles at me. I see the emotion in his eyes.
"I think you have too much faith in me. I'm—" I turn to look out again. "I don't think, I'm strong enough to be that for anyone, when I'm barely put back together from everything that's happened." I wipe my face and take a deep breath. "I don't think I can."
"You came back from the abyss Aana. You can do anything."
Thursday, September 10th, 2015
APOV
I have no real desire to celebrate my birthday. Sure, I turned 20 but that's pretty much it. The last 3 years of my life have been a complete shitshow and I have the distinct feeling that it's not over with.
The court dates for both of Vishaal's cases came through. The hearing for the attempted rape charges would be on October 29th and the embezzlement on November 11th.
I had slowly been getting back into yoga since the club incident so I was in the backyard with Nani with a private instructor, nearing the end of my session when Tom walked to us with a white box. My session ended a few minutes later and I said goodbye to my teacher Ashley.
"What's this Tom?" I asked curiously.
"Delivery from Christian Grey." Tom replied with pursed lips. I know he doesn't like Christian right now. I looked back at Nani who had a smile on her face but I wasn't really able to mirror it.
"Tell me how you really feel Tom." I giggled.
"In private." He gruffly replied, which made Nani laugh.
I took the box from him and he walks away. I place it on the couch and stare at it. It's probably flowers.
"Aren't you going to open it?" Nani asked softly.
I shrugged and opened it hesitantly, wrapping the crimson red ribbon. It was a long and slender box that housed, 20 pristine long stemmed roses wrapped in soft ivory tissue. I picked up the small envelope and see my name written Anastasia in cursive. He has nice handwriting too, I think to myself and trace over the ink.
I carefully open it and take out the small message card.
Dearest Anastasia,
Happy Birthday. Today is the start of a new decade in your life. I wish the very best for you as you navigate it. Thank you for the cookies, I did share them even if it was only one cookie per person. I kept the rest to myself. They were too good to share.
Best,
Christian.
I found myself more shocked that he sent me something. I honestly was not expecting it. I wasn't really expecting much of anything from anyone. Nani and Nana got me a sapphire bracelet which was such an obscene thing to do but I wasn't allowed to refuse it. Mama took the day off and made me my favorite breakfast then we went to Ocean Beach to talk and sit in silence for the most part.
Tom and Benny are going to start taking me to the shooting range and start teaching me self-defense again. That made me a little excited only because it reminds me of Dad.
"Aana?"
"Yeah?" I mumble, putting the lid back on the box and moving it to the side so I can take a seat next to her on the couch and hand her the card.
"No, I don't need to read it." She smiles. "It doesn't make your feel happy?"
"I don't really feel anything." I answer, staring out into space.
"It was a sweet gesture."
I snap out of my staring abyss and nod. "Yeah, I guess."
"Will you reply?"
I shake my head. "Not sure what opening a channel of communication will achieve given what I'm doing with his life right now."
"You're not trying to hurt him." She reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
"I know but still, you don't know how he's like. He doesn't deal with confrontation well." I murmur, playing with my knotted fingers and bring my legs up to my chest.
"Some people meet fear with force and anger to try and scare it away and some, like yourself let fear tell them they're not good enough. That's why it's good to have friends who are opposites of your personality, you can teach each other valuable lessons."
"What do I know about life, Nani? I haven't even lived in these last three years or even before that. I'm still learning." I shrug. It's true.
"And you think Christian knows everything? You think I know everything?" She asked.
"Wait a minute!" I look back at her. "I want my money back! You told me you know everything Aisha Hasan. I want a full refund to this course." I giggle and she playfully taps my cheek.
"Think about it." She urges me and I nod, trying to end the conversation.
"Bachay?" Karan's voice snaps me back to the present.
"Hey. Sorry." I say distractedly and shake my head, smiling back at him. "What's up?"
"You were a little lost there." He asks.
"Yeah, sorry. Just..." I shrug. "Not really in the celebratory mood, I guess."
"Babe, I know it's been a rough couple of years but you fucking deserve to celebrate." Rania turns around in the passenger to face me in the back.
I give her a small smile. I'm on my way to spend the night at her place with Karan and Raees. They wanted to take me out to dinner but I told them I wanted a night in to talk shit about random stuff or watch some crime mystery movie on Netflix.
Mama, Nani and Nana wanted host a small dinner with everyone and have a cake but I told them I didn't feel like celebrating. I missed Dad a lot. He always knew how to make my birthday's exciting mostly by embarrassing me but still, they were simple and full of love. As I was getting ready for this evening, Nani came to my room and asked me what was on my mind, she had noticed that my face was tense ever since our last exchange and I wasn't really talking much.
"Talk to me, Aana. What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Aisha Hasan. My old age is catching up to me. I don't want to celebrate." I gave her a sassy smile and mimic her British accent to throw her off the scent.
"You can tell me anything." She cupped my face and kissed my forehead. I pulled her in for a hug and tried not to cry in her embrace. "Aana, talk to me." I shook my head.
"I just miss Dad." I said with a shaky voice. It was the truth, partially that is.
"Is that all?" She asked. The disbelief in her voice was evident.
"Yeah. As for the rest, I just need some time." I said. "I'll tell you I promise, I just need some time."
"Okay meri jaan." She smiled at me and put her hand on my cheek to wipe away my tears.
After chowing down Chinese take out from our favorite restaurant in the mission district, we sat around in Rania's living room catching up.
"I have some news to share." Karan said a little nervously. We all just looked at him and gestured him to get on with it. "I met someone." He says a little hesitantly.
"NAME?" I blurt out.
He gulped and looked down. "His name is Anthony, Tony for short. It's been 6 months."
My jaw drops to the floor while Rania holds her hand out in front of her and Raees groans before taking out his wallet and placing a dollar bill in her hand that she flexes in front of us.
"What the fuck?" Karan looks at Rania.
"I had a bet with Raees. I had a hunch you were into boys and their toys." She smirked.
"Karan Bhai, that is so amazing. Can I see a picture?" I jump up and give him a big bear hug and kiss his cheek. "And Rania, that was fucked up." I admonish her.
She rolls her eyes and gets up to sit in my lap. It's her version of showing affection. "Bitch please. I bet on everything... but yeah, show us a picture of your loverboy, Karan." She wiggles her eyebrows.
"HOT DAMN, THIS BOY IS SMOKING." Rania snatches the phone from Karan and closely inspect it.
"We need to meet him ASAP. We must transform him." I tease. He really is cute.
"No way, I am keeping him far away from you two. He'll fun away." Karan then tells us he's Italian with a big loud family just like ours and that they're also in the hospitality circle.
"Have you told your dad?"
Karan gives a small smiles and nods. "Surprisingly, he was supportive. Now that we're backing away from KGI, it really doesn't matter what other people think. You know how it is in that part of the world, they're still slow to change and in the business world it's brutal sometimes."
"But now you're part of the AHAK family and we love you." I tell him and try my best to give him another hug in spite of Rania's ass cutting off the blood supply to my thighs.
Uncle Arsh sold his own and his kids shares in KGI and stepped down, opting for early retirement. Nana offered him the CFO position at AHAK but Uncle Arsh respectfully declined saying he wanted to take it easy and finally travel and do some of the things he'd been meaning to get to since his youth. However, Nana told him that there would always be a place for him at AHAK should be want to work again.
Till then, Karan would be a VP at the New York office and handle most of the East Coast and European assets and deals for the time being.
"When we will be meet him?"
"Soon." Karan said shyly.
"OH HELL NO, I want to meet him ASAP. Call him on facetime." Rania sassed.
"It's close to midnight in the east coast. Relax." Karan grumbled trying not to smile. He of course didn't let us call Tony but promised that we'd meet him before the year was over.
We sat around eating ice-cream and talking some more when I decided to bite the bullet. I've been meaning to talk to Rania but I knew they were working on closing a deal in Australia so she was away most of last week.
"Guys, I have some questions." I announced.
"Oh god... " Rania groaned. "Watch this be some really weird shit."
"Shut up Rania, ask away Bachay." Karan encourages me.
"What do you guys know about BDSM?" I ask hesitantly.
"Well..." Raees was the first to speak. "If you don't do it right then you can break your fucking arm or have shit lodged in your ass for hours on end." We all gaped at him. "RELAX!" he blurted out when he clocked our alarmed faces. "During my ER rotations I saw the weird sex shit and heard the most insane stories."
"Oh... I don't wanna hear that." I shuddered. "I'm talking about it as a lifestyle you know... as a dynamic."
"I've been to BDSM club, light kink isn't so bad in a relationship." Karan mumbles, digging into his pint of ice-cream.
"OH COUSIN, DO TELL." Rania cocks her head to the side and wiggles her eyebrows salaciously.
"Calm your tits. It was just a random visit." He laughs. "It was in my Uni days. I was curious." He shrugs and then winks at me.
"But why are you asking?" Rania looked at me. "Is it because of what happened?"
"Partially and also, I'm just, as Karan mentioned, curious. I want to know about the psychological aspect of it. I was thinking of meeting a Domme and asking questions but I don't want to do it alone."
"ARE YOU ASKING ME TO JOIN YOU ON AN ADVENTURE LITTLE ONE?" Rania cheers.
"Oh god." Raees groans and leans back into the sofa.
"Shut up." She dismisses him.
"Of course, you both will do the fun shit without me." Karan pouts.
"I can create a google doc and share my findings." I offer with a wink and everyone chuckles.
"I'm in. Let's do this. It's been a while since we did something exciting." Rania claps her hands.
"Babe, you better not get any ideas. My time in the ER has scarred me for life." Raees shudders and takes a swig of his beer.
"Honey bunches you wait. You won't even know what you hit you." Rania teases and gives him a kiss on the cheek. I know for a fact that Raees is gonna probably die given how sex crazy Rania is.
"You god damn heteros." Karan mumbles. "Never a dull day."
Monday, September 14th, 2015
CPOV
A day before Anastasia's birthday last week, Ryan sent me a picture of her standing at the shoreline of Ocean Beach as she had done many days before— standing absolutely still for long periods of time. Except this time around, she seemed upset and her grandfather was comforting her.
I silently wondered why, is she still suffering from what happened at the club?
I stare at the email in my drafts with the words Dear Anastasia taunting me.
Send her an email, Grey. What are you so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm a piece of shit who doesn't her in any way shape of form.
I'm a sick fuck who has her lookalike parading around naked in my apartment at my beck and call and I have no idea why the fuck I am doing it.
I sent her flowers for her birthday. I thought sending a gift would be too much even though, showering her with jewels is something I've often thought of but I also know that she's not that kind of person.
She's also too young.
I check her Seattle playlist and she hasn't updated it since her birthday. I listen to the last song she added and it feels like a message.
I don't be wanna be your girl no more
Last night, I finally saw her but it was fleeting. I thought I was rid of all this but she came back.
"Christian" I open my eyes and see Ana sitting next to me, knees huddled close to her chest and tears falling from her eyes.
"What's wrong?" I immediately sit up and check her for bruises. "Are you sick? Hurt? Tell me?"
"All the roses are dying. Look." She points to wilting roses, dying in front of us. I realize we're in mom and dad's backyard.
"It'll be fine, Mom can take care of it. She'll know how to bring them back." I assure her but she shakes her head.
"It's too late." She gets up and starts to walk away. I get up and go after her.
"Wait, where are you going?"
She turns around and looks up at me, heartbreak written all over her face.
"This isn't real, Christian. Stop doing this to me." She snaps.
"I'm not doing anything. You're the one who keeps showing up here." I growl.
"Trust me, I don't want to be here. I told you, I deserve more and you're incapable of that. " She turns around and tries to run but I grab her arm and spin her back to face me.
"You can't leave. I WILL NOT LET YOU LEAVE." I scream at her.
She looks at me with tears falling out of her eyes. "Then you can watch me die like those roses behind you."
I let her go momentarily to look back and I see the roses fall in heaps of ash to the ground. I turn around and she's nowhere to be found.
"What do you think the dream symbolizes?" Flynn asks but I shrug and stay silent.
I've just finished telling him everything that's happened in the past two weeks from Elliot finding out to the dream last night. I'd been avoiding him thinking that a new sub could help reset everything but I'm back again on the quack's couch.
"You mentioned you're trying to move on yet you still have security monitoring her and expect security reports. You keep checking that playlist she made. Why is that?"
"Those are minor things. I just want to make sure she's safe." I say dismissively.
"You say she belongs to a billionaire family herself, she has security. Probably even more so now. She doesn't need it from you."
"It's just a precaution." I insist, knowing full well how weak my reasoning is.
"Hmm." He nods idly and then takes off his glasses, to rub his eyes before putting them back on. "Why did you take a sub so soon after terminating a contract?"
"I told you, I needed a release." I snap at him.
"You've never taken one like this before." He's right but I'm not about to concede.
"Well, I think we can agree that after the weekend I had, I deserved it."
He looks at me for a moment and then back down at his notepad to write something. "I see. And what about Elliot? Have you talked to him since?"
"No. He's made his choice." I lean back and cross my arms.
"You don't seem happy with his decision."
"Elena was right, he didn't get it. I don't need that judgment, I don't have time."
"Yet another thing, Elena has taken away from you." He mumbles.
"I don't need your judgment either." I snap again.
"Tell me Christian, why do you refuse to tell your family?"
"We've been through this. They won't understand."
"Why won't they understand?"
"BECAUSE... they'll bitch and moan about that fact that I was underage and shit."
"Weren't you underage?"
"I knew what I was doing. I gave consent."
"You consented, as a child, to a violent way of sex with a married woman. Why is it that you are so hell bent on monogamy when the woman who seduced you didn't practice it with you? How did you rationalize that? Why do you still take care of her and let her have power of you?" Flynn's calmly asks.
"She doesn't have power over me. He didn't care about her. She sacrificed her marriage to make sure she could help me and Lincoln beat the shit out of her. Helping her is the least I can do."
"Even if it means abandoning your family?"
"I am not abandoning them, for Christ's sake John what is with this line of questioning?"
"I'm trying to understand the root of these dreams your having."
"What the fuck?"
"Anastasia's is your subconscious and roses are literally in your mother's backyard and they're dying and she's warning you."
"Then why the fuck did she walk away?" I bite back.
"You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved."
"This is bullshit."
"You mentioned that you did some unusual things with this new sub, explain that to me."
I shrug. "She's the first sub to have blue eyes and her hair is the same length has Anastasia's it was fleeting."
"Do you want the lifestyle with Anastasia?"
"Of course not. She's too pure and innocent."
"So what, BDSM can only be practiced by heathens? Good people can't practice it?" He raises an eyebrow.
"You know what I mean."
"No I don't."
"For fuck's sake John. She's been through hell and back, she doesn't deserve to experience any pain."
"Surely, that's her decision. And am I to surmise that you only want to sleep with her?"
"Of course not." I reply slightly affronted. "I mean... yes eventually but I can't give her what she would eventually want, which is vanilla sex and a healthy relationship with love and all that hit."
"Again that would be her decision why you are essentially making for her. There are many people who have traumas that prefer BDSM to vanilla sex. Are they wrong?" He gestures the question with his hand.
"I don't give a shit about them. I'm only talking about Anastasia here."
"So what now Christian, how do you see you life progressing from here on out? You say you're trying to move on from Anastasia, yet you keep doing things to somehow stay connected to her, including taking on a sub that in some fashion resembles her. Why not reach out to Anastasia, what are you afraid of?"
"I can't reach out to her." I run my hand through my hair in utter frustration. Why doesn't he get it?
"You sent her flowers for her birthday. Why?"
"That was just.. I was trying to do something nice."
"Email her. That's something nice too."
"And what? After what she heard... she's better off."
"Christian Grey, settling for scraps? Interesting." He chuckles.
"Did you have a fight with Rhiann or something?"
"Christian, I've been your therapist for a little over 4 years now and I'm sorry but I don't think I can continue. I can refer you to some exceptional people in the Seattle area who may be a better fit but I believe we've reached a plateau. Your time with Anastasia seemed like a breakthrough of sorts but I guess we both were wrong."
"WHAT THE FUCK?" I raise my voice. "What the fuck is this all about?"
"I'm sorry but you refuse to try any of the treatment methods I offer. I cannot help you if you're not willing to put in the work. Which means, you can't effectively improve your life. Leading me to believe that you probably need a different voice and approach." He calmly replies and puts away his notepad and stands up, holding his hand out.
I stand up and refuse to shake his hand. "I thought you were... " I trail off.
"Your friend?" He finishes my sentence for me. "I think that's part of the problem here. I wish you luck Christian. I'll be emailing you a list of therapists for you to consider. I sincerely hope they can help you better than I did." He gives me a rueful smile.
I look back at him with a grimace and walk out of his office.
Fuck this shit.
As soon as I get in the SUV, I email Leila to meet me at Escala. I know it's a weekday but I'll compensate her well for the short notice.
She replies almost immediately saying she'll be there in an hour.
I need to get Anastasia out of my system once and for all. Enough of this shit.
A/N: Dying to hear your thoughts on EVERYTHING.
CG and AS are both confused for different reasons and acting out differently. Eager to hear from you! Just remember that they are 25 and 20 respectively, with very different circumstances that have shaped them, especially Ana.