A/N - Surprise! Since I'm probably going to finish up chapter 20 today, I figured there was no way reason this chapter couldn't get posted today. It's one of my favorites, and I just didn't want to wait until Wednesday to share it with you (and then, I wrote chapter 16 and chapter 19, and now those are my favorites too ;)
Chapter Eleven
The second Allie pulled her car into her garage, she immediately hit the button to close the garage door. It was bad enough Jax was currently parking his bike in her driveway. She'd already had to power through the entire drive from the studio to her house - all 15 minutes of it and including the brief detour to an ATM - with Jax right in her rearview mirror. She wasn't about to give him the opportunity to slide in before the garage door closed.
He was getting his arrogant ass inside this house over her dead body.
Allie skidded down the hallway, haphazardly tossing her keys onto the counter in the kitchen as she sprinted over to the window at the center of her living room, the same one that gave her a perfect side view of her front porch. Jax was already stepping onto the porch, bringing an open flame to the cigarette in between his lips. He looked around as he took a drag from his cigarette, his blue eyes taking quick appraisal of the front of her house, from the hydrangeas nestled on both sides of the walkway and her ceramic planters near the front door, to the set of wicker chairs at the end of the porch.
A wave of self-consciousness rolled through her. Jax Teller was at her house. He was standing on her porch, smoking a cigarette like it was the most natural thing in the world. Was she in the Upside Down or something right now? Stepped inside some kind of alternate reality where this was a thing she allowed to happen?
She shook her head in disbelief as he meandered over to one of the wicker chairs on the porch and plopped down, flicking some ash from his cigarette and stretching his legs out leisurely. Jesus Christ, he was even rocking in the chair a little bit. At least he hadn't bothered with the doorbell.
Allie glanced at the time on her phone and pushed out a breath. She still had about 10 minutes before her mom was supposed to show up. It was so goddamn inconvenient that Dan was filming today - that would've ended this. If she could've just said Dan was going to be here, if she could've just lied...but lying to Jax's face wasn't an option. That serious expression on his face was like a truth serum.
So, because she needed a distraction, she bounded up the stairs to change out of her work clothes. And she had to get the rest of the cash from her dresser anyway. After sliding into a pair of black leggings and a chunky oversized sweater, Allie gingerly slipped the bills out of her dresser drawer with a heavy heart.
Then she pulled down a little section of the blinds in her bedroom window to glance down at the front porch. Yep. He was still there. And this wasn't all just a bad dream.
There was really no good reason why she couldn't have found Opie before she left the studio and told him what was going on. Jax didn't have to volunteer - he could've just as easily sent anyone else from the club in his place with plenty of time to spare. But here they were.
He looked so out of place in that wicker chair, rocking easily with his lips wrapped around a cigarette. All he was missing was a beer and a shotgun. Or a Glock, she thought ruefully.
Jax cut an imposing, intimidating figure out there. From the leather on his back, the slicked back hair, the cigarette dangling from his lips, the white T-shirt, sneakers, and baggy jeans, he looked exactly like the biker gangster he absolutely was. Anyone who started walking toward her house would take one look at him and backpedal in a hurry. They'd probably call the cops while they were at it too.
And, she realized with a heavy sigh, her mom was about to walk into that. Even if she got dropped off by that guy, she'd still have to come up the walkway and pass by Jax to get inside the house.
There was a part of her, deep down, that knew she shouldn't care. That knew if her mom really wanted the cash that badly, she could grow a pair and walk past Jax to collect.
To collect...Allie knew how bad that sounded. Knew she was just being used. Knew that the only time she heard from her mom was when she needed money. And yet, Allie couldn't stop herself from heading back downstairs and pulling the front door open. If her mom saw Jax sitting here, as domineering and dangerous as he looked...she might take one look and run the other way. Then she wouldn't get what she needed. Then who knew what would happen to her after that.
Allie rubbed her eyes wearily as she pulled the door open, wincing a little when Jax's head snapped in her direction.
With a sigh, she waved him in. "Come on."
He hesitated, blowing out a steady stream of smoke through his nostrils as he regarded her with a smirk. "Oh, I see. I've finally been judged and deemed worthy enough to enter your home?"
"No," she shot back, but his grin only deepened. "So, do you wanna come in or are you gonna sit out there all day?"
He lifted a shoulder, then took his sweet time standing up, stretching his arms over his head before taking one last drag from his cigarette and tossing it to the ground. She held the door open for him, cursing herself as she did it, and he winked at her as he passed through the threshold.
Well, now Jax Teller was standing in her living room. This was just great. And seeing him in her personal space like this, in the one place that was supposed to be her safe space...it was unnerving, to say the least.
His steps stalled on the wood flooring, sending her right into his leather-covered back. Allie bounced off him and shook her head at his low chuckle. Of course he was laughing at her. Why wouldn't he be?
And then she realized why he'd stopped short - he was taking in the view, letting his eyes roam over everything he could, the leather couch, the distressed coffee table sitting in the middle of an expansive white and navy oriental rug, the art she'd spent way too much time on Etsy shopping for...he shoved his hands deep inside his front pockets as he rocked back on his heels to take it all in.
She hesitantly trailed after him as he shifted from the living room and headed for the kitchen, stalling again to continue his detailed inventory of her house. His eyebrows lifted as his gaze sifted through the details, her kitchen island, the range above her stove, the marble countertops and the farmhouse sink. Finally, Jax's head turned to her.
"Beautiful home you got here, darlin'," he murmured.
"Thanks."
"I guess it better be, given what the club's payin' you now," he rocked back on his heels again with his hands in his pockets. He shot her a bemused smirk, and she felt herself waffle between hating him a little bit for throwing that in her face and hating herself even more for the way his words affected her.
"Hmm mm," she allowed instead, carefully sidestepping around him to make her way to the fridge. "You want anything to drink? I think Dan's got some beer in here, but I'm pretty sure they're IPAs or something like that though."
Allie kept her eyes on Jax, challenging him to scoff at even the suggestion that he would deign to drink an IPA instead of his usual Budweiser swill. He met that challenge with a cocked eyebrow and a shrug of his shoulders.
"Sounds good to me," he grinned easily. He wordlessly took the beer from her outstretched hand and took a swig without once breaking eye contact with her.
Jax swallowed it down, glancing down at the bottle's label and shrugged. "Not bad."
She busied herself by grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge when his voice called out to her again.
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"
Her heart clenched and stuttered in her chest. Allie was almost surprised he hadn't asked her sooner. At least she had a good supply of stock answers in case he pressed the issue. So, she turned back to face him, her eyebrows lifting expectantly.
"Why don't you drink?"
She'd been expecting it. This wasn't the first time someone had asked her this question, and it definitely wouldn't be the last. But still, every time she heard it, she couldn't stop the panic that rolled through her. She would've thought she would've gotten a handle on that by now. Nope. There it was.
But she pushed it down, smothering it as best as she could, so she could reply with a nonchalant shrug, "I just don't like it."
Jax eyed her carefully and took another long pull for his beer as he considered her response. By now, it was clear he didn't fully buy it, but maybe she'd get lucky and he wouldn't push.
"Alright," he allowed slowly.
Then a car door slammed from somewhere outside the house, and Jax was on high alert, setting his beer bottle on the counter, and heading to the window in her living room with long, purposeful strides. He glanced over his shoulder only once to make sure she was right behind him.
That same tan sedan she'd seen on the street two weeks ago was back. And her mom was sliding out of the passenger door.
"That the same guy, Allie?" Jax asked her over his shoulder.
She moved a little bit closer, acutely aware that they were now standing shoulder to shoulder at the window, and smothered that down too. Now that she was closer, she was able to get a better look at the guy.
"I think so," Allie told him quietly. "That's definitely the same car though."
He nodded tightly, and they watched her mom walk around the sedan and start up the walkway, eyeing Jax's bike in the driveway nervously with every step. She hurried to the front porch just in time for Allie to swing open the door to let her in.
"Hi, Mom," Allie greeted her a little breathlessly.
Anna smiled stiffly and that smile froze on her face when she saw Jax hovering over Allie's shoulder.
"Come on in, Mom," Allie tried again, moving aside a little to make space for her mom to step inside the house. Jax followed suit, mirroring her movements but he stayed directly at her back so he could keep his eyes focused on her mom.
Anna stepped inside but not before casting another nervous glance at Jax. "And who's this, honey?" she gestured to him with an anxious laugh, "I didn't realize you were seeing somebody. Is he your boyfriend?"
"Oh no," Allie laughed, batting a hand in the air.
Then she felt Jax's warm breath on her ear, and God help her, she shivered a little.
"Could you have said that any faster?" he muttered to her.
Allie shot him an exasperated glance over her shoulder as she followed her mom deeper into the house. She heard Jax huff behind her, but she chose to ignore him, settling her focus instead on Anna, who had dropped down into her usual barstool at the kitchen island. This was like an out of body experience - while this visit was mostly routine so far, albeit tense, the main outlier here was Jax. With him trailing right on her heels, Allie was aware of everything around her. The awkwardness of these visits. The clinical routine of niceties and small talk. The transactional nature of Anna's presence in her kitchen.
It was a transaction, wasn't it? Except Allie didn't really get anything in return, other than the knowledge Anna was alive for another day with cash and food in hand.
And there was something about the fact that Jax was standing here too, a silent, seething witness to it all, that just made everything worse. She could feel the tension rolling off him in waves behind her, feel the animosity and the suspicion and the resentment radiating right off the leather.
"So, um," Anna started, her voice trembling a little as her gaze slid from Allie to Jax, and back to Allie again. "How do you two know each other then?"
Allie pressed a tight smile to her lips, acutely aware that Jax had stealthily stepped around the side of the island to stand about a foot away from her. He rested both hands on top of the counter and kept his expressionless gaze fixed squarely on her mom, pinning her into the barstool where she sat.
"Do you remember Opie?" Allie answered quickly. "Mary's son?"
Darkness flashed across Anna's face at the mention of Jimmy's second wife, but it was gone just as quickly. She plastered a fake smile on her face and nodded. "Sure."
"Opie and Jax," she gestured to him as she spoke, but he didn't budge an inch, "are members of Samcro. That's -"
"I know what it is," Anna nodded shakily, her voice catching a little on that last syllable.
Out of the corner of her eye, Allie saw Jax's eyes narrow into blue shards of ice.
"Anyway," Allie pressed on. "I'm working for the club now. That's how we know each other."
"Okay," Anna nodded immediately, but her eyes still darted between the two of them anxiously. "But why is he here right now?"
She could've sworn she heard Jax growl under his breath. He lifted his fists from the counter and folded his arms across his chest, leveling Anna with a hard stare. Then he jerked his head toward the front door.
"Why is he here right now?" Jax pushed out roughly, his voice low and dangerous.
Anna tore her eyes away from Jax, shifting to Allie in nervous agitation, and Allie had to swallow back the lump in her throat. Her mom looked so small standing across from her now, so frail, so fragile.
"What is this, Allie?" Anna's voice shook as she spoke. "What's going on?"
Allie sucked in a breath, hurriedly moving to her purse to get this over with. She grabbed the bills and thrust them out to her mom, who stared at her outstretched hand for a moment. Something shifted in the air between them then. Allie could sense Jax's eyes on them, feel his eyes dropping to their hands when Anna snatched up the money. Her hands shook, and her heart somersaulted into her stomach.
Humiliation ripped through her. Shame slid down her spine and curled around her stomach. Panic closed around her throat. Tears burned her eyes and her chest heaved from the impact.
And when she dragged her eyes back to her mom, she found Anna staring back at her restlessly, wildly, with new agitation flickering across her face and a little bit of irritation too. But no gratitude. No humility. Not even a whisper of self-awareness.
If Jax hadn't been standing next to her, the tears would've already been falling.
"Thanks, honey," Anna murmured. "I really appreciate it."
Allie swallowed back the lump in her throat. She dared a glance at Jax, who was staring darkly at Anna. When he felt her eyes on him, his gaze darted to her, softening for just a moment before pinning Anna with yet another glare.
On reflex, Allie moved to the fridge and started to pull out a few things until Anna's trembling voice stopped her.
"Oh no, that's okay, honey. I should probably get going."
Frowning, Allie shifted on her heel to face again, a water bottle, an apple, and some string cheese in her hands. "Mom, just -"
"No," Anna shook her head furiously, backpedalling away from the kitchen island as she spoke, most likely to put more distance between herself and Jax, who cut an imposing figure with his back tense and his arms folded tightly across his chest. "That's okay. I really should get going. I'll see you later, okay? Love you, honey."
Allie reared back like she'd been slapped. Anna never said those words to her. It didn't matter how often they saw each other - or didn't see each other - or how much she'd asked for that time or how much food Allie sent with her before she left. The only reason she was doing it now was because they had an audience.
She didn't really mean it.
And just the impact of that, of even thinking it...her bottom lip quivered helplessly. So, she shoved the food and water in her hands at her mom, willing her to just fucking take them already.
"Please, Mom…" Allie trailed off, horrified by the sound of her own voice. "Just...just take it."
Anna hesitated. She stared at the food in Allie's outstretched hands for a beat, as if deciding how much further she really wanted to push this charade, and then she snatched the food just as quickly as she'd scooped up the money. Anna smiled tightly to say goodbye before whirling around on her heel, practically sprinting to the front door.
Allie sucked in a harsh breath when she felt Jax's hand ghost over the small of her back. Despite her better judgment, she swallowed hard and turned her head to find him watching her with careful concern as he stepped around her to follow Anna to the front door. Allie couldn't help but trail after him, and when he followed Anna right through the door, her first instinct was to call him back, but the words died in her throat.
He trailed after Anna on the walkway with a casual stride, his hands leisurely pushed inside his front pockets. But when Anna looked over her shoulder to find Jax right on her heels, whatever she found on his face had her skittering to the passenger side door of that sedan as fast as her feet could carry her. Once Anna was safely in the car, the driver revved the engine, his head turned to engage in some kind of staring contest and probably just long enough to get a good look at the president patch on the front of Jax's Reaper cut.
Jax didn't stop walking until he reached the sidewalk, each step taking on a more aggressive gait. His hands stayed in his pockets, but his back was stiff straight and his shoulders were squared right at the car. Even as the car sped away from the side of the road, Jax held his ground. He stood there as the car disappeared, staring after it as if he wanted to make sure the driver knew he was still there, watching and waiting in case he decided to come back.
Allie kept it together long enough to see Jax put a cigarette to his lips, and that was about all she could take. She backpedalled through the living room, blinded by her tears, and didn't stop until her back hit the bathroom door in the hallway. Fumbling with the knob behind her back, she burst inside and furiously shut the door behind her, making sure to hit the lock before sinking down onto the toilet seat with her head in her hands.
Her shoulders shook with sobs, and she had to slap a hand over her mouth to muffle the sounds. That had to be the front door closing - he hadn't left. He'd come back inside the house. And she couldn't stop crying.
The humiliation sliced through her body and racked it with tears. The shame...it wouldn't let go. Those pangs of disgust and shots of disappointment...they wouldn't let up. It just all hurt so fucking much. And she just couldn't stop crying.
"Allie?" Jax's voice called out from somewhere in the hallway.
She squeezed her eyes shut, sending another wave of tears down her cheeks, and she wiped them away furiously, desperate to put herself back together again. And then she sniffled and gave herself away.
A light knock rapped on the bathroom door, and she covered her face with trembling hands.
"Allie?"
He just knocked again when she didn't respond. Trying to stop crying just made her cry even harder - how was that possible? Covering her mouth to stifle this open weeping wasn't really helping. He was onto her. And she had a feeling he wasn't leaving either.
"Allie, I know you're in there."
She squeezed her eyes shut again, blowing out a deep breath. "Go away."
Jax's smooth laugh echoed through the door. "You have to come out sometime. I'm just gonna keep knockin' until you do."
And without missing a beat, he started knocking lightly on the door again. Then it got louder and louder and faster and faster until all she could hear, all she could focus on was his fist smacking against the door.
Ugh. If he wanted to wear her down to the point where she couldn't take it anymore...he was winning.
Finally, she wiped her eyes for the last time, blew her nose, and then furiously whipped the door open to find Jax mid-knock a foot away from her. His lips broke apart in a victory smirk, but the second he got a good look at her face, his smile disappeared, his shoulders drooped, and his raised fist fell to his side.
Allie just stared back at him with her chest heaving. She didn't have the energy to do anything else at this point. But it was his eyes that really knocked her off-balance - the concern swimming in them, the empathy radiating up from the depths of his ocean blue eyes.
And when he rested a hesitant hand on her shoulder, she didn't step back. He squeezed her shoulder and in that moment, all she could think about was how warm his hand felt and the little tingle his touch sent vibrating from where his hand rested all the way down to her stomach. And when he gingerly pulled her in closer, until her cheek touched the smooth leather on his chest, she didn't fight it. She let herself lean in, inhaling the scent of gasoline and musk, losing herself in the way the arm around her shoulders pulled her in even tighter against his chest, the way his other arm slipped around her waist and squeezed.
She closed her eyes and just breathed him in.
Jax rocked back on his heels, glancing up at the stairs again. Worry nagged at him and he chewed on his bottom lip anxiously. She'd been up there for about ten minutes already, saying something about needing to wash her face. Part of him thought maybe she was hoping he'd just take the hint and leave before she came back downstairs.
He wasn't leaving. At least not until her roommate got home.
Maybe she already knew that and was stalling because she was too emotionally drained to fight with him about it and just wanted to be left alone. He got that. He'd probably feel the same if their roles were reversed. But he still wasn't leaving.
Someone needed to stay with her in case that asshole in the sedan decided to come back tonight. Someone needed to hang around until her roommate came home just in case. Someone needed to make sure she was okay. He was already here. He had nothing better to do anyway. That was the story he was going with.
He was about ready to start pacing when she materialized at the top of the stairs. With her phone in her hand, she refused to make any eye contact with him. He could live with that. He'd even be fine if they just sat in her house in silence for the rest of the night. He just wasn't leaving.
"Well," she called out to him from the stairs, her voice still a little hoarse from crying. "Dan just texted - he said he's not going to be home for about two hours or so. I guess they had some kind of difficulty with the equipment, but I can never really tell what kind of equipment he's talking about, you know?"
Jax shoved his hands in his front pockets and huffed out a laugh. He let a smile slide across his face because he just didn't know what else to do.
Allie blew out a deep breath as she stopped about two feet away from him. "I'm guessing you're planning to stay until he gets home?"
He shot her a grin. "Yep."
"Alright, fine," she sighed and tucked a stray strand of hair behind an ear. "Whatever. You hungry?"
He rocked back on his heels again as he considered, and a slow smirk crept across his face. "I could eat."
Allie just lifted her eyes to the ceiling, pushing out an exasperated huff. "There are a few good delivery places we could order from. I don't cook. And I'm not gonna start for you."
His hands shot up in defense and his shoulders shook with laughter. "Heaven forbid I should ask you to cook for me, darlin'. My stomach's pretty strong, but I don't think I could survive all the arsenic you'd dump into it."
"That's true," she nodded with a knowing grin, and then she tapped her chin in thought. "But, there was this woman not that long ago who slowly poisoned her husband by putting eyedrops in his coffee every morning. There are all kinds of ways to murder someone."
"Yeah," he smiled softly. "I know."
The problem was - he really did know. The club had left a long trail of bodies in its wake, and he was just as guilty as the next brother. That was behind them now, he told himself firmly. Except for one...the club got one more body, one more act of retribution, and then they were done.
If she sensed the shift, she didn't show it. Instead, she walked back into her kitchen and rummaged through a drawer before pulling out a few brightly colored takeout menus. About 45 minutes later, he was resting comfortably in one of the chairs on Allie's back patio after eating his fill of delivery tacos and guacamole. She was seated a few feet away from him in her own chair, her empty food carton sitting out on the end table next to her, with her knees pulled into her chest.
It wasn't cold. That was more a defense mechanism than anything else. A protective measure to hide as much of herself from him as she could. He got that too.
He took a long pull of another one of Dan's IPAs and decided to light a cigarette. "So, you can't cook or you just choose not to?"
"I can cook," Allie informed him with a wary side-eye. "I guess I wouldn't mind doing it from time to time. I just don't really have the time or the energy anymore. Dan does all the cooking and I order all the groceries online and have them delivered. It works out perfectly."
Jax laughed heartily as she just shrugged.
"I'm an excellent online shopper," she explained with an easy grin.
"I don't doubt that," he laughed.
She rested her chin on top of her knees, drawing them in even closer against her chest before narrowing her eyes a little. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Well," he huffed out a laugh, dropping a hand down to gesture toward her. "I've never seen you in anything that wasn't designer or in the same outfit twice. Although you wear those leather boot things a lot. And let's be honest, darlin', those clothes have to come from somewhere and I'm guessing if you don't have time to cook, you probably don't have time to shop inside a store either."
Allie studied him carefully, as if she was dissecting every word he'd just said. And the more he played it all back in his head, the more he realized exactly what it sounded like. He did pay attention to what she wore - more specifically how much or how little skin she showed - but she didn't need to know that. She also didn't need to know he was practically chomping at the bit to find out what skirt she was going to be wearing the next time he saw her in a professional setting. Although, he had to admit, the tight leggings were a nice change of pace. He just wished that sweater didn't cover up all the parts he wanted to see.
At this point, he was in dire need of a subject change. And luckily enough for him, she seemed to sense that and swooped in.
"I know I haven't been in the clubhouse all that much, but I don't remember seeing any girls there in designer clothes."
Alright. So maybe this wasn't a complete subject change, but he'd take whatever he could get.
"Well," he blew out a long trail of smoke with a laugh. "I guess that's the thing about those girls, huh? They've got one uniform - tight, low-cut, short, and cheap. And when that's shoved in your face everyday, it's pretty easy to spot the opposite from a mile away."
Her eyes still hadn't left him. "Huh."
"I mean," Jax flicked some ash from his cigarette as he spoke. "It's pretty much been that way since high school. Although, come to think of it, you didn't wear many designer skirts back then."
At this point, he was past the point of no return with this conversation. Might as well dig in and get those pretty cheeks to flush pink. He'd take that over her tears any day of the week.
Allie's lips parted to respond, but then they just pulled apart in a frown. He could see the wheels in that smart brain turning, sifting through those years and brushing off the dust. She grimaced a little, like those memories weren't particularly fond ones, and he guessed he couldn't really blame her for that either.
"You know, I take that back," he wagged a ringed finger at her. "There was that one time right before the Homecoming bonfire senior year."
"You didn't go to that bonfire," she laughed, but the slight accusation in her voice wasn't lost on him. "You wouldn't have been caught dead at any school function if you could help it. No way you were at that bonfire."
And right here was where this conversation should end. She didn't remember seeing him there, so it was just any other night in high school to her. So long ago she probably had no idea what really happened that night. But for some reason, he just couldn't help himself. Maybe, deep down, there was some part of him, somewhere, that had always wanted to see how much she knew. That just wanted her to know.
"Well, darlin', see that's where you're wrong," he smirked at the memory. "I went that one time. I was promised beer and weed, and it delivered in spades," he was also promised a few other things from a few nameless girls that he wasn't going to get into. "In fact, I sorta remember seein' you there with a beer in your hand at one point."
He let that sit there to see if she'd take the bait, but when she stiffened at the memory, he decided not to push it. Whatever her hangups were with alcohol, he figured that was none of his business - he'd already gotten himself into enough trouble the way it was.
"If I remember right, you were there for a little while and then you and your skirt hightailed it outta there," he grinned at her.
Her cheeks flushed a little, and that grin on his face widened. There - he'd gotten what he'd wanted, right? He'd made her blush, and flustered her just enough for tonight. But then Allie tilted her head to the side in thought, piecing together the night they obviously had very different memories of. For her, maybe the senior bonfire was something you remembered for a year or two and then it was just a blip on the radar. For him, the memory was a little more vivid.
"Didn't you…" she threw out hesitantly, her face scrunching up a little as she sorted through the events of that night and the consequences that had followed him. "You were suspended for like, a week after that, weren't you?"
"Yep."
"Oh, that's right! You got into that fight with Jared what's-his-face," she frowned. "What was his name again? I'm completely drawing a blank."
Because he was so inconsequential she didn't even remember his last name. Because that night happened almost 15 years ago. Because it had just been one night, in high school, years ago when she'd been out with her friends and went to a bonfire. She probably wouldn't recognize the guy now if she saw him on the street.
"Jared Monroe," Jax finished for her with a tight smile. He wrapped his lips around his cigarette, needing another hit of nicotine at the memory, and took a long, healthy drag.
Her eyes pinched in thought and she wrapped her arms around her knees more tightly now. "That's right. You got in a fight with him."
"I pummeled that punkass bitch into the ground."
She laughed at that, and while he might've been laughing with her, he still didn't really see anything funny about it, even 15 years later.
"I don't remember that," Allie started slowly, her mind still turning and turning. "Well, I mean, I don't remember seeing that. I'd definitely remember if I'd seen it."
"Yeah, you'd left by then."
She eyed him carefully, almost as if she was slowly piecing together what exactly had happened that night. That wasn't the first time he'd gotten into a fight and it wasn't the last - there were too many to keep track of, so he figured she'd probably heard about the fight, and the suspension that followed, and never thought about it again. The only reason he'd gotten mostly punished by the school - and not the cops - was because he'd been lucky they were both still 17 at the time. He'd gotten away with a misdemeanor, an underage drinking fine, and some community service, and he'd taken that and the week-long suspension gladly.
He really needed to just shut up and move on. Nothing more really needed to be said. He'd made his point about her wearing a skirt in high school. He'd gotten the reaction he'd been looking for when her cheeks flushed a little at the knowledge that he'd not only been aware of it back then, but still remembered. Opie had obviously shielded her as best he could from what had started that fight.
But there was still a masochistic part of him that wanted to push a little more.
"Why did you get in a fight with him?"
And there it was. And his answer was the same line he'd given anyone who'd ever asked.
"I was wasted. He was runnin' his mouth," Jax shrugged, flicking some ash from his cigarette. "So I shut him up."
She frowned again, and he wondered if she was combing through the foggy details of what she'd heard about that night and what she might've been told. He'd never known for sure because Ope had been adamant about keeping her shoved in the dark as deep as humanly possible. And when realization sparked in her dark eyes, Jax could tell she'd at least known something.
"Wasn't he - he was saying something about me that night. I remember hearing that, and I didn't really think about it too much because people were always saying something about me..." she trailed off, her head turning to face him. They locked eyes long enough for her to see whatever confirmation she'd been looking for, and he nodded with a grim smile.
"Like I said," he shrugged again. "I was wasted. I was lookin' for an excuse to fight and he gave me one."
Not long after Allie and a couple of her friends left the bonfire, Jax had already been nursing his ninth or tenth beer - he wasn't really sure how many he'd had at that point, but it had been plenty. He'd been standing in a small circle near the fire with Opie, who was too wrapped up in Donna to be aware of his surroundings, and a couple of other girls whose names he'd forgotten the next day. Jared Monroe and his asshole jock friends were messing around within earshot, and though he'd been drunk, he'd heard Monroe clear as day: How much do ya think it would cost me to get Allie Levy tied up, spread-eagle, ass up, and face down in a bed? $100? $200? Do ya think she'd charge me extra for handcuffs? I wonder if she'd let me come on those little tits too. I bet she'd let me film it for free. She'd end up with a cut from it eventually, right?
Opie had heard it too, but Jax moved first. And Jax was faster.
"I didn't…" she started again, frowning as she shifted her chin on her knees, her eyes rooted to the ground. "I didn't know that."
He just lifted a shoulder and wrapped his lips around his cigarette again to take a long pull.
"So basically what you're telling me is - you pummeled Jared Monroe's punkass into the ground at the bonfire senior year and got suspended because he was running his mouth...about me...and I'm just hearing this now, how many years later," Allie's head shifted on her knees to face him, but he kept his eyes firmly locked in front of him. "You know...you're actually a decent guy, aren't you?'
He huffed out a laugh, his lips twisting to hide the bitterness from sweeping across his face. "First I'm a half-way decent guy. And now I'm actually a decent guy. Glad to see I'm movin' up in the world."
She blew out a long breath and swallowed tightly. "Well, I guess I should be thanking you, shouldn't I?"
Jax batted a hand in the air to abate the weird tension permeating the air. He wished he could say Jared Monroe running his mouth was the first time he'd heard someone at school say that kind of shit about her, but honestly, he'd heard it nearly everyday at school for four years. Someone always seemed to be whispering about her, wondering about her and how much of a role she played in the family business. And he'd rather gouge his eyes out than repeat what that fucker said. Even now, Jax could still hear his smug, drunken voice and the way his asshole friends laughed and egged him on.
For some reason, maybe it was because he was drunk, maybe it was because he was sick of hearing it and not doing anything about it, maybe it was because she'd been at that fucking bonfire for almost two hours and had barely looked his way, but for some reason, Jared Monroe running his mouth was the last straw, and he'd snapped. He'd all but blacked out as he slammed his fist into Monroe's face over and over again until Opie pulled him away...not unlike the moment he'd heard what Georgie Caruso said to her last week in her office.
She didn't deserve that. And he really needed to get a handle on himself.
"And I guess I should be thanking you for today too," she told him softly. "So...thank you."
He swallowed tightly and shifted in his seat a little, clearing his throat, "Ah, it was just an excuse to snoop around your house, darlin'. Besides, you helped me out with Gemma. Now we're square."
"Right," she smiled gently before dragging her eyes out to the orange and blue streaked sky ahead of them. "You must think I'm pretty stupid, huh?"
Jax blew out a stream of smoke, kicking his feet out in front of him. "You're not stupid, Allie. You're her daughter. Those two things don't have to be mutually exclusive."
"Still…" her voice shook a little as she spoke, and she hitched her chin firmly on top of her knees again, hugging her knees close to her chest. "I should be smarter than that. I know I should be smarter than that. I just can't...you know the only reason I let you in the house today was because I didn't want you to scare her off?"
Yeah, well, a lot of good that did. It sure as shit would've saved them some time - and her $500 - if she'd let him sit there on her front porch in that rocking chair, staring her mom down on the sidewalk until she turned and ran the other way.
"Who does that? I mean, who lets their junkie mom into their house whenever she texts and hands over money without a second thought?"
He hesitated, not sure if that was a question she really wanted him to answer. He figured it was better to be silent than sorry.
Allie sighed again, adjusting her chin against her knee and squeezed her eyes shut. Something shifted in the air, and he turned on reflex, just in time to see her wipe a stray tear from her eye.
"I'm sorry," she laughed humorlessly and slipped a finger underneath her eye to wipe another tear. "You're the last person I'd ever wanna cry in front of."
He huffed out a laugh, grinning at her as he blew out another trail of smoke. "Should I be offended by that, darlin'?"
"Yes," Allie confirmed with a half-hearted smile. "100 percent."
Jax laughed again, and he was still smiling as he rubbed a thumb across his bottom lip in thought. He smashed his spent cherry into the food carton next to him and then reached inside his cut for his cigarette pack. Even as he brought another cigarette to his lips, he knew he was smoking too much today - probably too much in front of her too. This was her house and he was filling her back yard with cigarette buds and smoke. But his nerves needed it, so he brought his lighter up to his mouth, lit another one, and inhaled deeply.
"You know," he told her with a sigh as he tossed his cigarettes and lighter back inside his cut. "This is probably gonna come as a shock to you, but I was drunk off my ass when Wendy and me got married a couple years ago."
He waited for her to laugh, but instead her lips just curled up softly, the side of her cheek pressed up against her knees as she listened.
"That was the only way I could get myself to go through with it," Jax explained with a sad smile. "I think I'd just convinced myself that if I didn't, even though I really didn't want to...I figured, if I didn't, she'd go over the edge. She'd lose it and fall off the deep end again, and then, right before the wedding, she'd been trying so hard to be better. I figured, I should try too, right?"
Jesus, even saying those words out loud...to her, of all people, he sounded like such a fucking asshole. And the more time that passed, the more he thanked his lucky stars it was over.
"About three weeks later," he pushed on. "I found her with a needle in her arm anyway. Got her ass into rehab. There was lots and lots of crying, lots of begging and pleading, and then I agreed to let her back in the house when she got out of rehab," Jax paused, his voice catching a little at the memory. "That happened two more times before I went inside Stockton. It just felt like a waiting game, you know? Every day, I was sitting there wonderin' when the other shoe was gonna drop, when I'd do or say somethin' that would set her off and send her runnin' to her dealer again. And sometimes, I think it probably really was my fault. I think I might've been pushin' Wendy's buttons on purpose, just so I'd have an excuse to finally kick her out for good. And then, right before I'd be about to pull the trigger, the guilt just...wouldn't let me do it."
There'd been plenty of times when he'd been so pissed, so completely done with all the bullshit, it was all he could do to keep himself from literally throwing all her shit out on the street. But she was always able to reel him back in.
"They always know how to take advantage of that guilt," Allie offered quietly. "Don't they?"
He nodded tightly, flicking some ash from his cigarette so he didn't have to meet her in the eye. "And I guess it's on us if we let them take advantage or if we don't."
Allie inhaled sharply, but kept her chin firmly planted on top of her knees. She was listening though - that he could see.
"I mean, you…" he trailed off in thought, taking another pull from his cigarette to give himself some time to find the right words. "I married someone just because I didn't want her to relapse. That was fuckin' stupid."
She huffed out a laugh, and he turned his head to find her watching him with a sad smile playing on her lips.
"And that was me lettin' her take advantage."
There was some finality and some relief in his voice now that he hadn't recognized before. He never would've admitted that - to anyone - a few weeks ago. Maybe not even a week ago. But he'd finally figured out how to set aside his guilt and do the actual right thing, and it felt good. Real good.
Allie sighed heavily, and when her voice drifted over to him, it sounded smaller. "She usually asks me if she can spend the night whenever she comes by. I think the only reason she didn't this time was because you were there."
He nodded tightly. Yeah, that sounded about right.
"I gave in once, about a year ago," she pushed on, keeping her eyes locked on her knees. "She'd just gotten evicted, or so she said, and had nowhere else to go. I couldn't tell her no. Didn't want to see her have to stay in a shelter or in some park somewhere when I had a couch she could use until she got back on her feet. It was just supposed to be for a week."
She hesitated long enough to run her index finger underneath her eye, and then rested her cheek against her hand, her eyes lingering on a spot just beyond where his feet were kicked out on her patio.
"It turned into three months."
Jax nodded grimly and shot her a reassuring grin to keep her talking.
"And every day, I'd come home from work and I'd hope that would be the day she'd tell me she found a place, and she was leaving, and she was gonna be okay, and it just didn't happen. She was just parked on my couch and was either watching TV or sleeping," her voice hitched and she cleared her throat quickly, "That's all she did. I mean, why would she ever leave, right? And then one day, I came home and she was having sex with this guy on my couch. There was...white powder all over my coffee table and on the floor. Empty bottles and trash everywhere. She knew what time I usually came home, too. I think she just didn't care."
He blew out a long, heavy breath. That was fucking rough. He'd been witness to a lot of shit over the years with Wendy, seen her passed out in her own vomit, seen her trash their living room in a fit of tweaked-out rage, seen her nearly OD more than a handful of times. That had been the scariest...seeing her eyes roll back in her head, the foam spewing from her mouth, that would haunt him for years. But still, he couldn't say he'd ever seen that.
"I called my dad right away," Allie went on, still staring blankly at that spot beyond his feet. "He came over and screamed at her. She screamed at him. The guy she was with walked around naked the whole time and asked me if I wanted a turn right in front of my dad. Then my dad got into a fist fight with that guy in the middle of my living room until my mom got in between them and stopped it. Needless to say, I threw out the coffee table and burned the couch."
He huffed out a laugh and shook his head at her with a grin. He flicked some more ash from his cigarette, rubbing his mouth with a hand as he let his gaze find her again. Where the hell had this girl come from? Even in high school, she'd always been like this - self-assured and confident. Normal. Smart as hell. She hadn't needed him to fight any battles for her then and she didn't need it now. And despite having parents who worked in porn, a junkie for a mom, and rumors about that trailing after her everywhere she went, she'd come out the other side unscathed and with her sense of humor intact.
Well, maybe not completely unscathed, he thought with a heavy heart.
"So what happened after that?"
She just lifted a shoulder. "My dad kicked her out. Threw some money at her to keep her away for a while. Then he had my house cleaned and Dan moved in a few days later. He made me promise them both that I'd never let anything like that happen again. And it hasn't. And it shouldn't, right? I'm an adult woman with an education and a career and a house and money. I should know better."
"I think that just makes you human, Allie."
She sucked in a deep breath before turning her head to give him a weak smile. "You wanna know the worst part?"
His heart twisted a little in his chest and he swallowed hard at the sight of her amber-colored eyes swimming with unshed tears. "What's that?"
"The next time she came over to my house for money, she asked if she could spend the night like none of that had even happened. Like she'd expected me to just forget. Maybe she forgot. I don't know. It's hard to tell with her sometimes - if she's actually being honest, or just telling me what she thinks I wanna hear."
"Yeah," he nodded tightly. "I know what you mean. I lost count how many times Wendy told me she was gonna be working more hours at the bar to help out with bills and shit more - sometimes, I believed her, and other times, I think she was just tellin' me that so I wouldn't wonder where she was or what she was doing. If I thought she was at work, then everything was fine, right? And then, of course, I dropped by the bar one time when she said she was workin' to see if she'd told me the truth, and - big surprise - she wasn't there."
Even the memory of that, of how he'd screamed in her face the next time he saw her, when he'd found her in some dive bar, drunk and high off her ass, he couldn't really blame Wendy for falling into old habits around him over and over again. Screaming at her only made her feel desperate, and desperate people did desperate shit.
"We're all just hanging by a thread anyway, right?" he went on. "The only thing we can really control is ourselves and how much shit we're willing to put ourselves through."
She just stared off into the distance, still as a statue in the chair next to him. He had a couple of questions to ask her now - he wasn't going to enjoy them, but this was important.
"You keep a lot of cash in the house, Allie?"
Her head snapped back to face him with a frown. "What? Oh...a little, in one of my dresser drawers in my bedroom, but it's not much."
He nodded slowly. "Take it out of your bedroom," a lump lodged in his throat at the way her eyes widened, "Don't keep it there. Put it in some drawer in your kitchen. Make sure there's a knife in that drawer too. Or a scissors. Maybe some pepper spray. Somethin' like that."
Even then, that might not be enough, but it was better than nothing. And if she kept cash in a drawer in her bedroom and hadn't had any type of security system installed in the house up until a couple weeks ago, he figured he already knew the answer to his second question and moved on to the third.
"You want a gun to keep at the house?"
Her chest was heaving now, her lips parted and her eyebrows knitted together in a tight, panicked frown.
"We can get you one, if you want," he explained gently. "Ope can show you how to use it."
Allie swallowed hard and shook her head. "No, I...I don't think I'm comfortable with that."
He nodded, his heart twisting a little bit more at the fear and the realization clouding her eyes. With a heavy sigh, he took another long drag from his cigarette, needing something to calm him down long enough so he could tell her everything he needed to say. "Look, I'm not tryin' to scare you. I'm really not. And while I'd like to believe me being here today scared your mom and that guy off, I think we both know that even if that is the case, and she disappears for a little while, she'll be back and she's gonna bring that guy back with her too. And if it's not him, it'll be some other guy, some other time."
Allie ran both hands over her face before letting them rest protectively around her cheeks as he pushed on.
"Now, I'd like to keep someone from the club around when Dan's not here, just in case, but somethin' tells me you wouldn't be very receptive to that."
She turned to him now with a weak smile curving her mouth, and her skin seemed to glow in the twilight. Just the base of her neck, the edge of her collarbone, just the little parts he could see, he had half a mind to reach out and touch them.
Which, given the nature of this conversation, would be completely and totally out of line.
"And," Jax went on. "I know this is probably way outside the boundaries of our client-lawyer relationship here, but I'm just gonna come out and say it because I don't know how else to do it...I know you love your mom. I can see that, okay? I know you don't wanna see anything bad happen to her and I know you're worried about what would happen if she doesn't get the money she's askin' you for," he pushed out a rough breath as he spoke, "but at a certain point, you have to start worrying about yourself too. Because she's not. If she was, she wouldn't be pullin' this shit, fuckin' some guy in your house when you're not home, bringin' another one around for no good reason, and only showin' up when she needs somethin' from you."
He paused there, letting her sit with that for as long as she needed. When he saw her take a breath and nod her head ever so slightly, he took that as his signal to keep going.
"Wendy would always tell me how much she loved me, how much she needed me," he shook his head, swallowing back that nagging guilt that always seemed to creep up when he thought of her. "She didn't really mean it, you know? Maybe she thought she did. I think, by the end, she'd convinced herself she loved me and that we'd figure out a way to make it work and that was the excuse to keep reeling me back in, to keep throwing it in my face that she was barely hanging onto sobriety. She loved me, so it was all okay for us to keep shittin' on each other like that. I guess the real problem was that I didn't love her, but that's not my point. I heard your mom say that to you too, and I saw the way you reacted to it. She didn't really mean it, at least not while she's still using and not while she's still coming over here for money. And she's just gonna keep using that, and using your guilt, for as long as you're willing to let her because that's what users do. It's okay to say no to someone like that, Allie."
There. He'd said his peace. If she wasn't ready to listen, then there wasn't anything else he could do or say, other than to do what he could to keep her as safe as the club could keep her. Maybe he'd have to have a prospect or two on rotation on her street. Maybe she wouldn't let someone from the club sit outside her house, but they could sit down the street, away from view but close enough to be there if need be.
And just as he was starting to come around to that idea, and figuring his VP would whole-heartedly agree, Allie snatched her phone off the side table next to her and, without hesitating, let her fingers fly across the screen before hitting another button, and then dropping the phone back to the table with a heavy thud.
"There," she murmured so softly he had to lean in to hear her.
"What?"
She sighed heavily, wiped one more stray tear from underneath her lashes, and then her lips curled wistfully. "I just told her I didn't want to hear from her anymore if she was only going to ask for money."
His eyebrows shot into his forehead, and she jumped to explain, "She was probably expecting it anyway, after seeing you here."
Yeah, that was probably true. He rubbed his mouth in thought - that probably wasn't enough, though, but it was a start.
"And," she went on. "I figured if I didn't do it now and waited until after you left, I'd lose the nerve and make up some excuse to wait until tomorrow. And then tomorrow would come and I wouldn't be able to do it."
Yeah, that was probably true too. He just hoped it would stick.
A door slammed from somewhere inside the kitchen, and Allie jumped a little at the sound, laughing under her breath as a singsong voice carried all the way through to the patio: "Heeelllooo? I see we have a viissitooor…"
"He's probably all wound up from filming," Allie murmured to him with a wince. "I think you'd better run while you can."
He huffed out a laugh, tossed his cigarette to the ground, and scooped up his empty food carton with his free hand. "Good call."
Allie jumped out of her chair, grabbing her own empty food carton, along with her phone, and started heading toward the patio door that led back inside her kitchen. Then she stopped short, turning on her heel to face him head on.
"Hey, Jax?"
"Yeah?"
Something flickered across her beautiful face that he couldn't quite place. It was more than gratitude. Different from resignation. Not the same as self-consciousness. And then her lips parted again.
"Thank you."
So, he just let his mouth curve up in a grin. "Anytime, darlin'."
A/N- Thank to you everyone who's read/reviewed/followed/favorited! Also, I need to starting thanking my amazing beta readers, awanderingreader and owlzilla, for their time, support, feedback, and just overall being awesome cheerleaders. I haven't decided if I'm going to start posting twice a week now because I'm so far ahead, but I might start doing that from time to time to catch up (I have to admit, it did throw me off a little to go back and proofread this one more time this morning when I'm already so far ahead in the story and kinda forgot some of these things happened in this chapter). Anyway, look for my usual update again on Wednesday!
Thoughts on this chapter? I think this was the one everyone was waiting for, and that's why I couldn't wait any longer to post it. In this chapter, we really see Jax and Allie connecting in a way that has nothing to do with the club or the work she does for them, and this connection is really the start of a turning point for them. He's really there for her, with zero strings or expectations attached, and is just there because he wants to make sure she's okay. Not to mention the fact that we learned her crush on him back in high school may or may not have been as one-sided as she'd thought...;) I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts!