Chapter 13: Take it Easy on My Heart
"Show me an open door
and you go and slam it on me."
September 2018
Molly's had been closed for about an hour now. Gabby, Stella, Kim and Erin were still seated as the staff cleaned up around them – being friends with one of the owner's really came in handy for girls' night.
"So, what's going on with you and Ruzek?" Gabby asks.
Kim hides her face in her hands "Can we not do this right now?"
"Oh no, no, no; you pried into my sex-life the last time – it's your turn Kimberley." Erin grinned, poking her friend's side so she jumped in her chair.
"Ugh, I don't even know. He kissed me a few weeks ago, and then the kissing became-" Kim giggles "A lot more. But we haven't really discussed what any of it means. I guess I'm just enjoying it for what it is."
"Even though you don't know what it is?" Stella points out.
"Is it wrong of me to not want to know what it is? As soon as we put a label on it, it all just becomes so much more serious. Not to mention, what if we're not on the same page about what we are? I don't want to get hurt again with Adam. I barely made it through the first time around. Not to mention he just got out of whatever he was in with Hailey; she told me it wasn't anything serious, but …"
"Then why go back?" Stella asks, "If it was that bad, why put yourself through it again?"
Kim groans, dropping her head against the table "Because I love that big doofus. I never stopped loving him."
Erin smiles knowingly "Love makes us do crazy things, huh?"
She sees Kim's shoulders shake in laughter, remembering the first time Erin said those words to her "The men we love make us crazy."
"Speaking of …" Gabby says, turning her gaze onto Erin.
"We've gone around in circles on this all night Gabs, it's pretty clear where he's at with it all. And I just- I don't get it. Like, my brain actually cannot compute it. How could he say no?"
"He didn't say no! He just … didn't say yes." Kim slurs knocking her shoulder against Erin's as she sways slightly in her seat.
Gabby poured another round and Kim shook her head pushing the glass into the middle of the table and pouring a glass of water instead. Erin quickly pulled it towards her, holding a glass in each hand.
"Wow, really was a rough day for you huh?" Stella laughed sipping her drink.
"It just pisses me off! I thought they were making progress; Jay loves hanging out with Evie. He loves her. I can see it. But he's dragging his feet and he won't tell me why."
"Maybe he really is concerned about the kind of life you can give her." Gabby questioned "When Matt and I had to give up Louie … it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I knew he would have a better life with his Dad; surrounded by his family and a good support system. In that moment, it no longer mattered about how much we loved him. He deserved that life, and we weren't the ones in a position to give it to him."
"Maybe … I don't know. He's hiding something, I can tell." Erin shakes her head "Ugh, I don't know. I guess I actually have to talk to him to figure it out. Can't wait."
The girls all laughed "Oh come on, I'm sure it won't be that bad. And from the looks of him, I'm sure the make-up will be fun." Stella wiggles her eyebrows, and their laughter grows.
Erin rolls her eyes trying her hardest not to burst out laughing along with them "You're incorrigible."
"Admit it Er, you wouldn't have us any other way." Gabby smirks.
And it's true. Erin smiles at the women around her; never in her life would she have imagined that she would be the type of woman to have 'girlfriends' and go out for a regularly schedules 'girls night' but here she was, surrounded by some of the strongest and badass women she had ever had the pleasure of working with. She was proud to call them her co-workers, and even prouder to have them as friends. Erin feels so grateful for them, especially in recent months. Because she's pretty sure without their help, she wouldn't have survived Jay being gone so long.
"Look, just give him some time okay? That's all he's asking for – marriage is about compromise. You can't push him on something like this, something this life-changing. He'll come around on his own, but if you put pressure on him, he'll push back harder." Gabby says.
"You're right. I know you're right. It just sucks." Erin groans.
"Nothing worth having is ever easy." Stella says.
Kim nods, clinking her glass against the firefighter's "Ain't that the truth."
…
"Are you sure you're alright?" Kim asks as Erin struggles to get out of the taxi.
"Yeah. Fine. I think I tested my limits a bit too hard." Erin giggles, causing Kim to as well.
"Okay well, let me know when you get inside. Say hi to Evie and Jay for me." Kim closes the taxi door as Erin nods.
"I will. Say hi to Adam for me." She smirks at Kim's reddening face as the taxi drives off.
Erin squints, focusing on the door ahead. She can feel how woozy she's getting. The alcohol is beginning to hit her, hard. Thank goodness she took the day off tomorrow. She moves slowly, one foot in front of the other, gripping her keys tightly in her hand.
Once she's inside the front door and riding the elevator up to the third floor she relaxes. Her body sags against the elevator wall and she contemplates just sliding down to the floor and sleeping in here. But the lift dings and startles her awake again, and she slowly moves to her apartment. Erin stops short when she hears faint voices through the door.
"Do you get them too? the nightmares?" she hears Evie ask.
"Sometimes. I haven't had them for a long time, but they've gotten really bad lately." Jay's muffled voice seeps into her consciousness, sobering her.
"I can … I can sit with you? We can watch a documentary until you feel sleepy again."
Erin can hear Jay's smile in his next words "That's okay Ev, thank you though. I'm actually pretty tired already, I was just trying to wait up for Erin."
Erin shakes her head, suddenly feeling guilty for listening in to their conversation. She clears her throat and puts the key into the lock, opening the door and smiling as she walks into the living room. Jay and Evie are sitting on the couch, Evie tucked into Jay's side – Erin can tell just by looking at him that he's had a bad dream; he's a little sweaty, his eyes are just slightly wider than usual, and she can see that he's still trying to control his breathing.
This is what he was hiding from her. How had she missed this before? Why didn't Jay say anything?
"Hey kiddo, you and Jay have a good night?"
Everly nods, looking at Jay who smiles at her reassuringly.
"Ev and I had a great night, how about you?" Jay asks.
"Yeah, yeah it was good to catch up with the girls." neither Jay or Evie say anything so Erin takes the lead once more "I think we should probably get you into bed though, Ev. You got school tomorrow."
"Oh sorry, I got thirsty. I was just coming to get some water." Evie says nervously.
"That's okay. Why don't you go fill your cup and then head back into bed, Jay and I will come tuck you in soon okay?"
Evie gets up from the couch and moves towards the kitchen, looking back at Jay a couple times before walking back to her bedroom. Erin sits down next to Jay, taking her hand in his.
"You okay?" she asks.
Jay forces a smile and squeezes her hand "Yeah, of course. Why?"
"I don't know. You just seem off, I guess. You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"I know. I'm all good, Er. Look, about earlier-"
As she sees the anguish flood his face, Erin promises herself not to push Jay. On the adoption, or about his nightmares. He's always been the kind of person who needs time to process – just because she was ready to make Everly her child this instant, doesn't mean everyone else would be on board with it. She knows Jay will come around, once he's wrapped his head around it. She knows he will confide in her about what he's going through when he's good and ready to. But if she pushes him, the Gabby will be right, and Jay will grow distant from her. And that's the last thing she wants. She tells herself that she needs to be there for him, so that Jay knows he can trust her and tell her whatever is troubling him without feeling like he's burdening her.
Which is why she shakes her head and tells him "Forget I said anything. Take the time you need, okay?"
Jay looks surprised "Are you sure?"
"Yeah. You asked for time and I've realised that it's not that silly a request to make after all. I know I want this, but we can't do it if we're not on the same page, right?" Erin kisses his cheek before getting up from the couch and holding her hand out to him "Now come on, we need to tuck the kid back in and then I need to crash. I'm kind of surprised I'm still standing, honestly."
"So am I. I saw those glazed-over eyes the second you walked in the door, babe." Jay laughs, taking her hand and letting her lead him further into the apartment.
2023 (one week after)
Erin could say that today was, without a doubt, her worst day at work in the four years that she's been here. She was distracted and sloppy, completely off her game. Her colleagues had noticed but were kind enough not to say anything – they could tell she was going through something, and it wasn't their place to intervene. Laura had been quiet for most of their lunch break, simply observing Erin as they drove back to the office.
"Are you going to keep staring at me all afternoon? Because if so, I'm asking Mark to assign me a new partner. Or to let me leave even earlier." Erin says as they get out of the car.
"What's going on with you? You're not acting like yourself." Laura starts.
"It's- it's nothing. I'm fine."
"You're a lot of things today, but fine ain't one of them."
Erin stops and Laura turns to face her. She looks around the parking lot, making sure no one is close enough to overhear their conversation. Chicago may be a big city, but between their offices, Chicago Med, the 21st and Firehouse 51; the gossip chain was strong as hell. If one person heard information, it was guaranteed to spread like wildfire between each connection of those four very different public service units. The last thing Erin needed was for everyone to know her and Jay's business, especially with the way things are going with them.
"Erin, talk to me." Laura pushes.
"I- uh, Jay and I just had a really rough therapy session. That's all."
"That doesn't seem like all it is."
The concerned look in Laura's eyes has Erin breaking down. She tells her everything that's been happening with her and Jay since starting marriage counselling – leaving out the Peter of it all; that was the dirty little secret no one had managed to discover – up until their blow-up in their last session.
"I slept on the couch. And it's stupid to be that worked up over it, I know, but it just feels like a step in the wrong direction. I woke up this morning feeling like a stranger in my own house. Like I wasn't supposed to be there, with him. It's painful."
"You needed space. It makes perfect sense." Laura supports.
"I don't know … it shouldn't be this hard, should it? I'm just so frustrated; we're not talking and when we are it usually ends up in a screaming match or me humiliating myself rambling on about our sex life in the middle of an argument." Erin groans.
"I mean, it's a valid point to make."
Erin scoffs "It was embarrassing. I may as well have just tattooed 'I'm horny' on my forehead and called it a day!"
Laura laughs at her friend's dramatics "Okay, I doubt it was quite that bad."
"We went from talking about Bunny to me yelling at him for not having sex with me. It was embarrassing nonetheless."
"Honestly, if it was on your mind that much it was probably on Jay's all the same. Michael and I went through the same issues – it's normal for a couple to notice when the 'spark' has fizzled in their relationship. Especially if it's been a long dry spell.".
"It doesn't even matter, sex is the least of our issues anyways. I just feel like we're at a total loss right now – how are we supposed to get to a better place if we can't go five minutes without yelling at one another?"
"It's not an easy undertaking, Erin. No one ever said it would be. I just had to keep asking myself the same question; is it still worth fighting for? When the answer turned from 'I think so' to 'I know it's not' – that's when I knew I had reached the point of no return. But it's also important to keep things in perspective; you've been at this for barely a week. It takes a hell of a lot of time to repair a relationship. So just be patient with yourself, and with Jay."
"That's all anyone keeps saying to me. Just give it time." Erin sighs.
Laura laughs softly as she loops her arm through Erin's and they continue their walk back to their office "Well, they do say it heals all wounds. Give it a chance at least."
Erin waits for the desk Sergeant to buzz her in past the bullpen gates. She doesn't know the man like she knew Trudy Platt, and he didn't seem to appreciate the way she walked around so comfortably in the district. Like it was her second home, even though it had at one point been just that. Nevertheless, he respects her, because she's the wife of the current, and daughter of the former, leader of Intelligence and was once a Detective in the unit. Her reputation may be a little tarnished given the way she left, but it still holds weight in the 21st District.
Walking up the stairs into the main area of the Intelligence Unit's office feels reminiscent. Erin doesn't think it will ever feel less nostalgic the more years that pass. She can still remember how the desk used to be laid out, how she used to steal glances at Jay as they worked.
She looks at the breakroom and remembers all the times she and Jay had leaned against the countertops and engaged in witty and flirtatious banter that would always toe the line, but never cross over it. Or how Kim had held her hand and comforted her while she sat at that round, cream-coloured coffee table and cried over the loss of her brother. Or when Hank had tried to subtly interrogate her in the middle of a heatwave about whether or not she would throw him to the wolves after the person responsible for Justin's death mysteriously just went away.
The 21st District would always hold a special place in her heart. She had grown up, found herself, became the woman she is today; all in this old building. Days like this, she remembered just how much she loved being a Detective.
"Mama!" Drew's voice broke through her inner monologue.
Erin smiled and walked to Antonio's desk, squatting down next to her son.
"Hey bud, did you have fun with your Dad today?" Erin smiles.
Drew nods his head with enthusiasm "Dad and Uncle Tonio let me ride like a pup!"
Erin frowned "Where did you go?"
"I sat in the backseat and 'Tonio drove me around the block, I didn't even have my booster seat!"
'Ah, you got to ride like a perp' Erin thinks as she widens her eyes at her little boy "Really? That sounds like it was a lot of fun."
"Oh, it was Mama. You should come next time."
"I think your mum prefers being the one in the driver's seat, Drew."
Erin stands, surprised by Jay's voice and turns to face him. Jay leans against the doorframe of his office, a smirk just visible on his face. Andrew giggles at his Dad's comment before focusing back on the colour-by-numbers book he had been engrossed in before his mum distracted him.
"Hey." Erin says softly.
Jay nods back "Hi. How's your day going?"
He cringes at the politeness of their interaction. Things have been awkward for the last few days, but they both do their best to put on the bravest faces they can in front of their kids. Doesn't stop him from feeling ridiculous though – he's talking to his wife like he would the guy who delivers their packages to the office. It's so formal, polite, devoid of any real depth. And it only reminds him just how far apart he feels from Erin right now.
"Good. Case load's been pretty light the last few days, which I guess I should be thankful for; it means Laura and I get to have an actual lunch break instead of downing our food on the car ride. Although it's pretty boring just sitting around the office and filling out paperwork." Erin says nervously, feeling self-conscious for some reason about her answer.
"I know what you mean, it's been kinda slow around here too. It's like the criminals all got together and decided to take a vacation this week." Jay chuckles, Erin joining along with him.
Their laughter fades and the awkward feeling grows tenfold in the silence. Neither really knows what to say – really, is there anything left to say on the topic? Do they start a new conversation? Should she just pick up her son and go? Why did it have to feel this hard to talk to each other?
They're saved from antagonising themselves any further when Dawson walks back into the office; the Ruzek's, Upton and Atwater following behind. Antonio hugs Erin tightly making her smile – she's missed this part of working in the Unit a lot.
"Haven't seen you in a while, how you been?" Antonio asks.
Erin nods as they pull apart "Good, just haven't had a chance to stop by lately. Sorry."
Antonio shakes his head dismissing her apology "I get it, believe me. Oh by the way, I got your classes covered tonight so you're all set."
"You're amazing, thank you."
"Anytime. You know that."
Erin smiles and nods her thanks turning to look at Andrew "Alright bud, we better let Uncle Tony have his desk back. And Grandpa's waiting for me to drop you off."
"Pops?" Andrew asking, eyes lighting up excitedly.
"Yep, but we gotta get Ev first so pack up and we'll go."
Andrew moves quickly, jumping down from Antonio's desk chair and putting his colouring book and pencils into his little backpack. He was about to take his mother's hand so they could walk out when Jay cleared his throat, drawing their attention.
"I think you forgot something buddy." Jay says kneeling down, one hand behind his back.
Andrew frowns, trying to recall what could be missing. His parents always made him pack his things away on his own, so that he would learn for when he starts school in a few months' time. Jay can see him mentally running through everything he put in his bag before his eyes widen and Andrew runs towards him.
"My Percy water! It's on your desk." He speaks.
Jay chuckles, taking out from behind his back the water bottle with Percy stickers all over it. The little green train was Andrew's favourite 'Thomas and Friends' character, and so they now had a Percy merchandise collection in their household; and if it didn't have Percy, Andrew's stickers solved that problem. He smiled gratefully and took the water bottle from his Dad, who helped him secure it in the side pocket of his backpack. Andrew turned to face Jay and gave him a hug.
"Bye Daddy. Thanks for driving me round today."
Jay felt his heart swell as his little boy tried to wrap his arounds around him as best as he could. Jay held him tight, savouring the cuddly phase that Andrew had yet to grow out of. He knew it would come, and that one day their polite little man would become a hormone-filled teenager who didn't want to hang out with his Dad at the district. But for now, he would take what he could get.
"You're welcome, buddy. I love you." Jay says as Andrew walks back to Erin.
"Love you too!" Andrew smiles and takes Erin's hand.
Jay looks at his wife, her eyes glassy. He knows she's probably feeling the same way, thinking about how quickly their boy was growing. It was different with Everly; she was already a mini-adult by the time she came into their lives. Watching her grow up felt more natural, and she was still so affectionate and clingy – especially in the mornings when she was still half asleep – but it felt like Andrew was changing and growing every day. Time felt like it was moving so much quicker now, and they both just wanted to press pause.
"I'll uh, see you later right?" Erin asks softly, not wanting the team to overhear "Sara said she'd be free by 6."
Jay nodded, looking at his watch briefly "Yeah, I should be there."
She tried not to let herself get hung up on the 'should' in his response. It was hard not to. Erin had grown accustomed to hearing that and knowing, without him having to call and tell her, that there was a likely chance he would be late. Or not make it at all. She tried to keep the faith, to give him the benefit of the doubt; he probably didn't even realise he had said it, right
"Okay. We better go then; Ev will be waiting."
Erin takes Andrew's hand and walks them out of the bullpen, trying her best to focus on what her son was saying instead of the sinking feeling that was quickly filling her heart.
She only felt worse as they pulled up to Hank's house. Erin had barely paid attention to what was going on during the drive to Everly's school and then here. She was on auto-pilot, tuned out but still functioning. It felt silly to be so stuck on one little word, that very well may have been just part of an innocent statement holding no weight. But yet she couldn't stop thinking about it. Because both her heart and her head were telling her what the past's precedent had already demonstrated; that when Jay Halstead couldn't definitely say he was there, it was highly likely that in his head he was already anticipating cancelling on whatever plans had been made.
But this was different. It had to be. This was for their marriage. And he wanted to fix their marriage just as badly as she did. And that's what she kept trying to remind herself.
"Hey Halsteads, I missed you guys." Hank smiles as he opens the door, both of his grandkids hugging him tightly.
"Hi Pops." They both smile up at the old man.
"There's sandwiches and cookies in the kitchen. Ev, why don't you and Drew take them out back and we can sit on the grass and eat? I'll meet you out there after I talk with your mum."
"Sounds good to me." Evie says dropping her school bag neatly by the front door and taking Andrew's hand "Bye mum."
"Bye mama!" Andrew says waving back at his mum without turning around.
"Well then." Erin laughs with a shake of her head "I guess I know where I stand."
"Eh, don't take it personally. Grandparents are always cooler to hang out with."
"Oh, is that so?"
"Of course." Hank smirks.
"I'll have to take your word for it." Erin says "Thanks for looking after them, sorry it was so last minute but-"
"You don't owe me an explanation. It's family, we drop everything for each other. Not that I had anything going on anyways," Hank chuckles as he and Erin walk into the kitchen. He pours her a cup of coffee as she sits at the table "How're you doing, kid?"
"Alright. Between work and the kids, I've barely had a minute to stop and think but that's kind of how I like it." Erin jokes.
"You know that's not what I'm talking about. How are you and Jay?"
And there it was. Erin had successfully managed to avoid having this conversation up until now; she knew that Hank wouldn't let her off the hook like her friends have. He would push until she told him everything, every thought and every feeling that she had surrounding her and Jay's relationship. But she knew that when she did, it would be the straw to break the camel's back – she had been trying to hold it together for so long, and if she confided in her pseudo-father about her marriage, she wouldn't be able to hold strong anymore. Hank was one of the only people to reach through to her like that.
Regardless, she knew by the look in his eyes that she wouldn't be able to push off the conversation. So, for the second time that day, she relayed the entire story. From their fight, to getting into therapy, to their fighting in therapy. She was ready to fall apart, to let the first man she ever truly saw as her family provide her with the fatherly comfort she needed right now. But Hank took her by surprise.
"You know, I get where he's coming from." Hank said sipping his coffee.
"He's rarely ever home, Hank."
"The job's not easy to balance, Erin. We work unpredictable times, long hours; it's not always ideal."
"You made it work with Camille." Erin counters "We had Sunday night dinner, every week without fail."
"Yes, but how many other nights can you remember that I wasn't there on time for dinner? That I would creep in the house quietly because it was so early in the morning that I knew you'd all still be sleeping peacefully?"
Erin thinks back on her time in this house as a young teenager. If she really thinks about it, there are probably more times that Hank was absent from their dinner table than he was present. But she can also remember waking up most mornings and seeing Camille and Hank behind the island counter where he stands now, having their coffee together or simply standing there hugging one another.
"I get that you've been the boss before, but Jay isn't balancing work and our life together at all. You know he doesn't even message me anymore to tell me he'll be late for dinner? I used to send him photos during the day when he first went back to work, because he wanted to see what the kids were up to – he hated missing even the smallest moment, especially when Andrew was a baby. But over time … he just stopped responding. So, I stopped sending things."
"I'm not ignoring your hurt Erin; I'm just saying that you have to try and understand his side too."
"Why!? Why do I always have to be the one to understand? I get how hard the job is, how much we do to make sure that we get justice for the victims of these cases. I know what being in Intelligence demands of you. And I hate that I've become this person, but you know what; sometimes it would be nice to know that I'm still a priority in my husband's life! And I'm sick and tired of feeling guilty for that just because we work a tough job. I'm not asking him to quit his job for me – I just want to know that I matter to him. Is that really so much to ask for?"
Hank stays silent, figuring out how to approach the conversation. Erin tries to control her breathing, willing herself not to cry. She's changed her mind. She no longer wants Hank's comfort, his understanding. She knows that he's just trying to help her see Jay's side, but he's failing to see hers.
"It took Camille and I some time to get it right." Hank starts slowly "We struggled in the first few years of our marriage. She wanted to start a family and I was trying to move up the ranks. We had different goals, and there's nothing wrong with that, but we didn't have any kind of plan or timeline in place for our lives. It's impossible to map out every aspect of the future, but there are some things we could control and once we sat down and talked it out it became a lot less stressful in our marriage. That's how Sunday night dinners came around."
Erin looks out at her children laying in the grass of Hank's backyard "She nearly walked out on me one night. Said she'd had enough of not being heard. That was probably the hardest point in our marriage – and I had to fight like hell, against every natural instinct I had to throw myself into work instead of facing our issues together; it wasn't easy to do but I did. It took a lot of time though. We agreed that we would set aside time for us, every Sunday night. And we made sure to stick to it as much as possible, especially after Justin was born. But Camille also realised that it was unrealistic to expect me home every night for dinner, to attend every event at Justin's school, or every baseball game he had. She knew I would try my best, and that I would make it wherever I could. She had to learn not to hold a grudge against me for things that weren't 100% within my power."
"And what about the things that are? Because it doesn't feel like Jay's trying. At all." Erin asks softly, her throat clogged with unshed tears.
"Maybe he is, Erin. Maybe what he's doing now is all that he can manage. I don't know his reasons, so I can't speak for him. That's something only Jay can answer for you." Hank reaches out to take her hand "He's the only one who can tell you the truth, and you just have to take it on board so that you two can figure out a way to deal with it. Even if it hurts."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
Erin stares at the clock as she waits outside Sara's office. 6:02. The therapist is running a little behind today, which bodes well for her since Jay has yet to arrive. 6:03. Every movement of the clock hands makes her heart sink drop further. She's holding on for dear life to that last little shred of hope that remains. 'Maybe he's stuck in traffic and just forgot to text … or maybe he's not coming'.
6:04. Erin shakes her head and stands up, slowly pacing the small waiting room. This is ridiculous. She could just call him and see where he is. They're supposed to be telling each other what they want, right? And if he's going to tell her that he can't make it, she needs to tell him that she wants him to be here. 6:05. With a steel resolve she plucks her phone from her pocket, ready to hit her speed dial and find out where he is. 6:06.
"Hey, sorry." Jay rushes in the door, his phone ringing in his hand.
Erin hangs up quickly, relief filling her body as she sits back down "I- I thought maybe you weren't coming."
Jay looks at her confused "I said I'd be here."
"You said you should be here. Usually when you say that … I thought maybe you'd gotten hung up at work. It's silly, I shouldn't have assumed." Erin rambles looking anywhere but at him.
Guilt pangs in Jay's heart. He didn't realise that he'd made his own wife so insecure that one word would have her doubting whether or not he'd show up to therapy.
"I'm sorry, parking was just a bit hectic. These two guys were blocking everyone fighting over a car space. I should've called or something."
Erin shakes her head "I shouldn't have assumed."
Sara opens the door, walking out with her previous patient and then greeting Jay and Erin. They follow the young woman inside, sitting in their usual spaces on the couch while Sara walks to her desk. Neither of them says a word, not really knowing where to start. Sara pulls out her notebook from their file in her desk drawer and proceeds to sit in her armchair across from the couple. She always prefers to sit there; her desk makes it feel too formal – like she's a principal reprimanding the students who have misbehaved. She likes the way the set-up of her furniture makes it feel like there are no barriers between her and her patients, as it should. It's a safe space and they shouldn't feel they have to block their emotions or their words from herself or their partners.
"So, last session things got," Sara pauses "a little out of hand, to say the least."
Erin and Jay both nod in agreement "I want to try something a little more, uh, structured – for want of a better word. We're going to take it in turns today to discuss the issues you both raised last time. Obviously, we won't have the chance to go over everything in detail today, but I'd like to try and open a better line of communication between you two. Maybe if we can get into some of the heavier stuff right now, you'll feel more comfortable airing out your issues with each other between tonight and our next session. That sound okay with you both?"
Again, Jay and Erin both nod their agreement.
"Okay then." Sara smiles reassuringly "Well, let's start from the beginning. Jay, you said that you felt Erin resents you for the death of her mother. Can you explain to Erin why that is?"
Jay turns slowly so that his body is towards Erin. He looks up at her, trying to piece together what he wants to say in his head before he lets it out.
"You were right, about the ultimatums. I gave you one the night Bunny died. It wasn't my intention but that's what happened. I honestly don't know why she still drives me mad, Erin." Jay sighs "I think it's because … even though I wasn't around when you were a kid, or when you were living with Hank, I saw how much she managed to hurt you in the five years I knew her and it was enough to know that whatever you suffered at her hands earlier in life, was likely a thousand times worse.
I get how that might have come off as me being controlling, but I was just trying to protect you. The night she died, we fought about her. And I remember telling you that if you brought her into our lives again, I wouldn't forgive you for it. After she died … I don't know if you remember but, you got really drunk one night when you went out with Kim, and when I was putting you to bed you told me-"
"That it was all your fault." Erin whispers softly, shocked "I- I thought that whole conversation was in my head. You never said anything about it."
Jay shrugs "I knew you were angry; you were grieving. It didn't seem important in the bigger picture. And you kept pulling away from me. I guess- I guess I didn't want to address it because I didn't want you to tell me you meant it. That you hated me for your mother's death."
It felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest – He couldn't believe how quickly they had gotten to the worst point of that time in their lives. 'I guess we're really going all in today'.
"Erin, how does that make you feel? Do you agree with what Jay's saying – that you resent him for your mother's death?"
Erin shakes her head "I never blamed him. I never blamed you, Jay. I was angry and drunk, yes, but I never should have said the things I said to you. I was lashing out at you to avoid the guilt I was feeling over her death. I didn't want to admit that you were right; that helping her wouldn't have done anything good. It wouldn't have changed who she was, or the role she played in my life. It wouldn't have made her love me more. I'm so sorry, for what I said that night."
"I know. I don't hold it against you, Erin. It was just that when you kept pulling away from me, yeah what you said rang through my head then; it scared me because I didn't want to lose you. I doubted it at times, but for the most part I didn't truly believe that it was what you were feeling. At least, not the whole of what you were feeling at the time."
"It wasn't. Honestly, it wasn't even a tiny amount of what I was feeling." Erin leans towards him "I was just using it to push my feelings aside."
Sara jots down a few notes, feeling more hopeful about their session already. This was progress.
…
"It just- it feels like sometimes you don't care that you miss things that are happening in our family." Erin says softly "And I know your work is important, you know how much I understand that, but it would be nice to feel like I'm still a priority in your life sometimes. It would be nice to know that … that I come first for you, just once in a while."
"Erin, nothing is more important to me than our family." Jay urges "Everything that I do is for us, to keep you safe."
"What's the point in doing everything for us, if you're never there?" Erin says.
"That's not fair."
"Maybe not, but it's how I feel." Erin shrugs "It just feels like you're always working. And even when you're not, it's like you're not 100% in the moment either. I can see it; like you're with us in person, but mentally you're somewhere else."
"I don't mean to…"
"I know you don't, Jay. I know it's not your intention and I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I just want you to know what I'm feeling. We can't fix things if I'm not honest about how I'm feeling."
"… Okay." Jay says.
They both stay silent as Sara writes down more notes.
"Alright, last thing." she stops, closing her book "I want to take a moment to discuss Peter."
Sara notices the way both of them tense. It's definitely the rock bottom for their relationship; why that is, she can't determine yet.
"We don't have enough time to discuss this in length today, so we're not going to. But I just want to ask one thing, because it's obvious that's it's a sore spot for the both of you – it'll be a conversation we can work at slowly."
"That sounds- that sounds good." Jay mumbles, shifting in his seat.
"It's clear that whatever role Peter's played in your marriage, wasn't exactly healthy. Am I right to assume that Erin?"
"Uh, yeah. It wasn't a good time for Jay and I."
"Okay. Jay, can you tell me what about it upsets you the most?" Sara looks to him awaiting an answer.
"It hurt." Jay chokes out "There's a lot of things I could've handled, that I could've understood somehow, but this … It hurt. And it just reminded me that … as much as Erin and I love one another, we can never seem to stop hurting each other."
"That's not true." Erin cuts in "Yeah, we've had some hard time but- but it's not like we've spent our entire relationship attacking each other."
"Yeah, well this one felt personal." Jay replies "It really hurt, Erin. More than anything we've ever been through."
"Jay, I promise, I'm not going to hurt you like that again. It wasn't my intention the first time, but I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen again."
"That's the thing, Erin … I guess, I just don't trust that you know how to stop yourself."
They walk into the house. The sky is dark, moonlight flowing through the open curtains. Hank had decided to keep the kids since Andrew had already passed out at the dinner table.
"Are you hungry, I can make something up for us?" Jay asks, setting his keys down.
Erin shakes her head, walking into the kitchen and filling a glass of water. She's barely spoken a word since they've left Sara's office. Jay had tried to talk to her, offering to drive her home and come pick up her car in the morning instead. But Erin had simply said she would see him at home before getting in her car and leaving him standing there.
He knew that his words had hurt her. It wasn't his intention – he was starting to feel like a broken record saying that – but Erin was being honest about her feelings throughout their session, and Jay knew he owed her the same in return.
"I think, uh, I think I'm just gonna go shower." Erin mutters, placing her glass in the sink and walking towards the stairs.
Jay makes sure the lights are off and the doors are locked before following her up. Erin's standing in front of the vanity brushing her hair out from its ponytail. She's moving slowly, like she's not really paying attention to what she's doing. Jay can see her eyes are glazed over; her thoughts are somewhere other than the task at hand. He stands behind her, looking at her eyes in the mirror.
"Erin, talk to me. Tell me what you're feeling, please?" Jay says softly.
She sets the brush down and turns to face him. Erin doesn't look up at him. She observes the close proximity they've put themselves in, their feet nearly touching with how close he had stood behind her. She can smell him, the ever-present gunpowder – it was a scent that seemed to waft through the entire district, so that even if he hadn't fired a single shot that day, Jay would still end up smelling like that distinct mixture of gunpowder and soap.
"I feel … lost." Erin whispers "This all just feels so hopeless right now. I knew that we were broken, but I never thought that I had lost your trust in me. In us."
"That's not what-"
"It is, Jay. Whether or not that's how you meant it, if you don't trust me in some way or the other how are we supposed to be able to move forward? How can we rebuild our marriage if you don't trust me?"
"I don't- I don't know." He admits, feeling that sense of loss now as well "What can I do? Tell me what to do, and I'll do it."
Erin scoffs, shaking her head "There's nothing you can do. I just … I need to think. I need some space."
"Erin…" Jay tries to take her hand, but she slips past him, walking to the shower "I'm going to go shower. I'll be fine, Jay. Don't worry."
He sighs as he watches the ensuite door shut slowly behind her. He looks hopelessly at the door, then to their bed, Erin's words replaying in her head. "I need some space"
Tired and defeated, Jay walks out to the hallway and grabbing the extra pillow and blanket from the closet and walking downstairs to the couch.
"Even though you don't mean to hurt me,
you keep tearing me apart."