*Author's Note*
Thank you for the faves, follows, and reviews.
Bake Sale With Fury, MFer!
Gem POV:
After getting off work, I went to Aldi to do some shopping for the bake sale I was stuck baking for. Since moving to DC, I always kept quarters in my car for the sole purpose of renting a cart at Aldi. Aldi was cheaper than Trader Joes so me and my roomies tended to go there more often than naught. But of course, we still went to Trader Joe's for life essentials (gouda mac 'n' cheese and Pirate's Booty gourmet popcorn along with boxes of various herbal teas). I swear we had so many flavors of tea that we could open up our own tea and crumpet shop.
Aldi wasn't too crowded tonight, which was a good thing since I was tired and wanted to get in and out as fast as I possibly could. Before I even got to the baking section, I succumbed to my weird Italian girl cravings and bought a bunch of pepperoncini jars from the salad section. I grew up eating those things like candy (like I said weird Italian girl stuff) and hadn't had them in a long time (putting them on my salad at work doesn't count). Well, since I tossed a bunch of the pepper jars into my cart I might as well get a nice piece of beef to make slow roasted Italian beef sandwich meat with. It'd be a good meal for this weekend. Thank god we had a slow cooker at the apartment.
Me and Darcy were crockpot warriors, but I think that's because of our time as roomies at Culver. We had a mini fridge and a crockpot in our dorm room cause the cafeteria food was nasty and we had to cook somehow. We also made grilled cheese with brown paper bags and an iron (a Rikers trick one of my many cousins taught me before I went off to college) too. Yea…so…me and Darcy could cook some weird shit in a pinch. No wonder she excelled in the desert as Jane's assistant.
After placing some beef into my cart and picking up a few dozen eggs and a couple gallons of milk (Thor really did drink a lot of milk so…) I doubled back and found myself in the baking aisle of the store. On one side of the aisle was all of the 'normal' baking supplies and on the other was all of the 'alternative' baking supplies (gluten-free, paleo, and keto diet friendly). Of course, I grabbed a bunch of 'normal' baking items and tossed them into my cart. Any other person would just leave the aisle and went to the checkout counter, but not me. Instead, I ended up tossing in a bunch of the 'alternative' baking supplies into my cart too.
Hey, I couldn't snub the diet restrictive people by only baking mainstream cookies. It wouldn't be right, plus what if some diabetic grandma or something wanted a cookie too? Plus, people like Brock, who ate a strict diet for lifestyle reasons, needed cookies too. Especially since I think keto and paleo dieters have a hard time finding sweets they can eat that won't send them into a sugar shock and wreck their bodies (making them sick).
Okay, so I guess I was just a sucker for making sure that everyone was able to enjoy sweets. I grew up in an Italian family where food was a way of spreading love, joy, and cheer. I had that mindset that everyone deserves a little happiness from a good cookie, cake, brownie, or pie. Thanks, Nonna and Auntie Connie…thanks a lot for instilling a love of baking and a mindset to it too in me.
So, with my cart full of at least a hundred dollars' worth of stuff, I left the baking aisle and went to the checkout counter. I had to buy some cloth bags at the counter to put my stuff in since I didn't have any with me. The bags that we used for grocery shopping were at home since today wasn't grocery shopping day. Usually everyone piled into my car (Thor included) and we went to the store for groceries on Saturday. Yep, today wasn't Saturday so…
After checking out and bagging up my stuff at the bagging counter, I exited the store and went to my car. It only took my a few minutes to load up my trunk with bags, return my cart, and get into my car. Once I left Aldi, I grabbed some take-out from the nearby Chick-Fil-A (Oh my god, the spicy chicken sandwich and waffle fries with ranch dip is to die for!), and drove home.
When I pulled into a free parking spot, I was meet with the scrutinizing gaze of my busy-body neighbor, who was standing on the sidewalk while letting her dog sniff around the front shrubs that famed the door of the apartment building. Dear lord, was she going to let her dog piss on them? With a sigh, I turned my car off, slung my bag over my shoulder, and grabbed my takeout before getting out of my car. "You play your music way too loud in your car, dearie. It's very rude and inconsiderate to everyone." The nosy old lady told me in a sugary, but snippy tone as he dog lifted his leg and pissed on the shrubs.
"Okay, I'll keep that in mind." I told my neighbor before walking by her towards the door.
Before I could open the door, the horrible old woman's voice rang out with the zing of, "Also, you keep odd hours. Sometimes you're getting in past midnight and that loud music blaring from your car wakes me up; I'm sure it wakes up others in the building too."
Sick and tired of this woman's shit (she was that snotty old bittie neighbor in the complex) I spun on my heel and narrowed my chocolate brown eyes at her. I puffed myself up, trying to make my petite frame seem larger and more intimidating then it really was (a trick I learnt from my summers in Arlo's gym), and verbally cut that old bittie down with the tasteful, but hard-hitting, remark of, "I'm sorry about that, Mrs. Sims, but my boss, The World Security Secretary Alexander Pierce, of S.H.I.E.L.D., keeps me late sometimes to work overtime with him since I'm his personal secretary and he's working on a very important project along with deploying STRIKE Teams all over the world to put down any threats."
"Oh…dearie, I had no idea that you worked for such an important man. Oh, please, pardon me about my behavior over your odd hours. I had no idea…" Mrs. Sims apologized to me as I flung the door open.
Looking over my shoulder, I gave her a shit-eating grin and said, "Thor's dating Jane and I'm going out with Captain America Friday night, so I'm very in with important people." The old bittie was speechless as I entered the building.
Me:1 Mrs. Sims:0
Haha, I finally got over on that old busy-body.
After walking up the flights of stairs, I reached my door and unlocked it. Walking inside, I announced, "I got a trunk full of baking supplies since Pierce has assigned me to bake cookies for his kid's bake sale on Friday."
"Do not fear, fair Jewel Of The Realm, I shall bring up the bags in one trip so you do not have to tire yourself making endless trips up and down the many stairs to our flat." Thor told me as he stood up from his spot on the couch.
"Thank you, Thor. I greatly appreciate it." I told him while walking into the living room with my food; crossing his path.
"Thor's such a sweetheart. It's why I love him so much." Jane remarked from her spot sitting in her ratty armchair while looking at something on the laptop she had propped up on her lap.
"And my dearest Jane, I love you for how you understand the stars and science of not just this realm, but many realms." Thor smiled lovingly at Jane before walking out the door.
"So, since Robert Redford's Evil Twin assigned you to bake for the bake sale does that mean we're gonna be your official taste testers?" Darcy asked, excitement oozing from her voice, as I set me takeout down on the coffee table and took a seat next to her on out couch.
"Yes, Darcy, you guys can be my official taste testers."
"Cool beans! I love being an official taste tester when it comes to cookies."
My days consisted of going to work and baking at home every night after work. The only part of my week's schedule that was mundane was the going to work, but the nightly baking was fun. As it turns out, Thor was a great taste tester along with Darcy. Between those two I had perfected all of my healthy cookie recipes into tasty ones. It took a few tries to get the keto peanut butter cookies, keto chocolate chip cookies, paleo pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, and the paleo coconut double chocolate chip cookies just right, but I got them tweaked out after a few tries. Darcy and Thor made sure that they told me what needed more work, resulting in flawless cookies on batch number whatever (yea, I totally lost count). Jane was an okay taste tester, but after the normal cookies in the beginning on the week she got tired of tasting cookies from every batch made.
So, when Friday morning came along, I was able to sleep in a bit instead of getting up at the ass-crack of dawn to get to work. Thor and Jane went to work via mew mew and Darcy carpooled with Cam, who didn't live too far from us. When my alarm did go off, I woke up and took a nice hot shower before dressing casually in a tribal printed t-shirt and jean shorts. Once my hair was put up into a messy bun and I had a light amount of makeup on my face, I loaded my car's trunk up with an ungodly amount of tin foil trays full of cookies, which took one too many trips up and down my building's endless flights of stairs. Each tray was full of one specific flavor of cookie; the flavor was written on the plastic lids covering the foil trays too. Yea, I was a bit anal when it came to cookie storage for bake sales and events, but once again I blame my Nonna and Aunt Connie for that.
I swung by Starbucks and got a Venti Iced Caffe Mocha and a blueberry muffin before going to the prestigious private school that Pierce had his daughter enrolled in. The parking lot was already pretty packed when I pulled in, which had me scratching my head since when do schools have packed lots so early in the morning (is 9 considered early?). Whatever, maybe they were packed since there were a lot of parents here helping with different booths for this day and night long end of the year carnival? Yea, that must be it.
After parking my car, I checked in with the front office and was told where the bake sale booth was being set up at. According to the secretary, me and the class PTA Dad only had an hour to set up the entire booth since the carnival would be starting at 10. So, after talking to the school secretary, I grabbed a couple of tin trays from my trunk (which I left open since I'd have to make multiple trips to get all of the cookies) and made my way over to the bake sale booth, which just happened to be right where the school's gym met the athletic field. To say that I was surprised to see Director Fury placing a cupcake printed table cloth on a large table that was the bake sale booth would be an understatement. It blew my mind to see Director Fury as the class PTA Dad.
Standing up to his full towering height, Director Fury gave me a pointed look and asked in a loud and imposing snap, "What the fuck you looking at, Miss Rizzo-Schulze? You gonna help me with this motherfucking booth or not?"
"It's Gem, Director Fury, and aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?" I responded to the imposing S.H.I.E.L.D. director while standing stock still in shock from the fact that he was a class PTA Dad. I wasn't expecting that. I blew my mind. *Poof…*
The tall and imposing man dressed in his signature all black outfit (complete with floor length trench coat) told me in a simple, but level tone, "Gem, call me Fury." Before I could give a reply of 'okay' he went on to say straightforwardly, "And no, I'm not gonna ask cause I can put two and two together; Pierce sent you here to help me run the motherfucking bake sale booth."
"Your kid's in the same class as Alexia?" I asked, a bit dumbfounded since I didn't even know that Fury had a kid.
"Yea, now put those motherfucking cookies down and help me." He snapped while picking a large brownie tray off of a cart filled with third grade class goodies and placing it down onto the long table that double as the bake sale booth.
"Actually, I've got like 5-or-6 more big trays of cookies to get from my trunk." I informed Fury while setting the trays of cookies down on the table he'd just covered with the cupcake table cloth less than a minute ago.
"Motherfucker, you just had to go all out motherfucking Betty Crocker didn't you, Gem?" He sarcastically asked while grabbing another pan of sweets from the cart.
"I made both 'normal' and 'diet' cookies so that everybody can enjoy cookies." I informed Fury before walking off to go fetch the rest of the cookies from my trunk.
When 10 o'clock rolled around a herd of school children bombarded the large athletic field of the elite private school that was Capitol Hill Day School. The field was full of various booths and activities for the end of the year carnival. Two girls, one of average height with strawberry blonde hair and bright blue eyes and the other tall with tawny brown skin and a head full of wild dark curls, came running over to the bake sale booth. Common sense told me that these girls were Alexia and Noemi (Fury's daughter who I learnt the name of while setting up the bake sale booth with him).
"Fury, Miss Gomez wanted mom to run the bake sale booth." Noemi told her dad, taking me aback since she called him Fury and not dad.
"You call your dad Fury?" I asked, raising a curious brow at the little girl who looked just like her dad (just with a lighter skin tone).
"Yea, don't you?" The girl countered with an attitude that was all her daddy's. Oh boy, whoever her mom was must have a lot to deal with on her hands between her husband and daughter.
"Everyone calls me Fury, Gem. Including my mother, wife, and kids." Fury told me matter-of-factly while smirking proudly at his daughter's snarky attitude.
Cocking her strawberry-blonde head curiously at me, making her ponytail bounce a bit, Alexia asked, "Gem, did my dad send you? He said he was sending his secretary, but I thought you'd be older like his last one."
"Yea, I'm his secretary." I confirmed with a nod while sitting at the bake sale booth, sipping on my iced coffee.
"Girls, go start telling motherfuckers to come buy some motherfucking cookies and brownies and shit." Fury instructed the girls in his firm Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. voice.
"Okay, Fury, we'll tell all the motherfuckers to buy shit at the bake sale booth." Dear lord, Fury's 9-year-old sure did have a mouth on her. She just casually said the word motherfuckers like other kids her age would say cool or awesome. The fact that Fury didn't bat an eye at his daughter's use of the word was something else too. Like I said before, Noemi was every bit Fury's daughter.
"I'm not chasing down people, I wanna go find Jared and see if he'll play a game with me." Alexia said in a bit of a snotty tone before taking off towards some boy with bucked teeth that was a few yards away talking to some other kids.
"That girl's gonna get knocked up and make Pierce hide a motherfucking body if she's boy crazy this early in life." Fury lowly told me under his breath, causing me to just nod at him. He did have a point, the younger a girl is when she's boy crazy the higher the risk that she'll come home knocked up in high school. Happened all the time back home in the old neighborhood.
Noemi spotted a kid she must've known cause before I could blink, she was running towards a girl while loudly shouting, "Hey, you, motherfucker! Yea, you, come buy some cookies from Fury's motherfucking booth!"
"And our day of running a motherfucking bake sale booth has begun, Gem." Fury told me in a level and nonchalant tone while leaning back in his lawn chair that he brought for the special event that was running Miss Gomez's third-grade bake sale booth. I didn't say a word, just leaned back in my matching lawn chair and waited for people to stop by.
A Couple Of Hours Later…
To say that running a third-grade bake sale booth with Fury was interesting would be an understatement. He spouted out more motherfuckers and motherfuckings then a sailor or a mobster in Bensonhurst. Every time somebody got near our booth Fury would bark, "You gonna buy something, motherfucker, or just look at the motherfucking shit?"
Of course, his abrupt tone intimidated some (a lot) people. People looked at me with wide-eyes, like deer in headlight wide-eyes, and all I could do was be diplomatic and say, "Don't mind him, he's used to working with STRIKE teams and agents all day at S.H.I.E.L.D. We have brownies, cakes, and a large selection of cookies. Cooks are both non-diet and diet friendly."
And of course, Noemi was running all over the large field, screaming at anybody and everybody she could to, "Go to Fury's bake sale booth and buy motherfucking cookies and brownies and shit, motherfucker!" Noemi, being the chip off the old block she was, would even escort some poor unfortunate soul over to the booth to buy 'motherfucking cookies and brownies and shit'.
"You know neither Pierce of his ex, Adele, have ever done anything classroom PTA related. He always sends his secretary." Fury told me while we lounged in our lawn chairs during a bake sale lull.
"Oh, really?" I asked, my brow arched in surprise. Ow could a parent never do a PTA thing, ever? My Aunt Connie always baked for my school fundraisers and she was my aunt, not my mom. She didn't have to bake hundreds of brownies for Catholic school bakesales, but she did. God, what kind of parents where Pierce and his ex-wife?
"Mhm…the last one he sent had the motherfucking audacity to bring some motherfucking cupcakes from some bakery that lost in the first round of Cupcake Wars."
"You watch Cupcake Wars?" I asked skeptically with an arched brow.
"Course I do, Gem." Fury said casually. Giving me a pointed look, he went on to say in a very reasonable tone, "Cupcake Wars is some real cutthroat shit, especially when they gotta use some motherfucking weird ass shit like salmon paired with caramel to make a specialty cupcake for some motherfucker's fancy motherfucking event."
"Yea, some of those flavor combos in the first round are weird."
"Aha, so you watch that motherfucking show too."
"Um…yea…" I admitted, sipping on my coffee.
"Gonna watch the new episode when we leave this motherfucking school carnival? Motherfuckers gotta make cupcakes for a fancy Chicago toymaker's gala." Fury asked, most likely to make conversation since the lull we were having at the booth was pretty bad.
"No." I shook my head. Feeling my cheeks turn pink, I admitted, "I actually have a date tonight with Steve-uh-Cap."
"Really, he's taking you out?"
"Yea so I'll actually have to leave a bit early so I can go home at get ready. Date's at 7 o'clock sharp so…"
"No problem, I'll just call up my best agent to come help me. Wait, let me call his motherfucking ass now since it's lunchtime and the motherfucker's just grassing on greens." Fury told me before pulling out his phone and tapping a few buttons on it. After a few moments, Fury's loud and stern voice told 'his best agent' thru the phone, "Motherfucker, I need you to man the bake sale booth with me at Capitol Hill Day School at motherfucking 1700 hours. Sharp, motherfucker, sharp." Fury's brows furrowed deeply as he listened to whatever his 'best agent' was saying. He rolled his eyes and scoffed, "Your motherfucking after work gym time will just have to wait. I'm ordering your motherfucking ass to be at my goddamn kid's school to run the motherfucking bake sale booth with me at 5 o'clock sharp, motherfucker. No ifs, ands, or buts about it or I'll shitcan your motherfucking ass and send you back to the motherfucking hood you came from." Fury leaned back in his lawn chair with a victorious smirk on his face. "And don't be late or else no more instructor bonus pay for you, motherfucker. Bye." Fury had a 'I always win' type smirk on his face as he pocketed his phone. Looking at me, he said matter-of-factly, "My best agent'll be here at 5 o'clock sharp so you can leave and have plenty of time to get ready for your date with Cap tonight."
"Okay." I told Fury before adding, "I hope my plans with Cap aren't too much of an inconvenience for your best agent."
"It's not." He assured me. I gave him a skeptical look, causing him to tell me, "The man's a motherfucking reclusive." Picking up his can of pop and taking a sip, he went on to explain a bit dryly, "All he does is eat, sleep, work, gym, gym, gym, and occasionally picks up women to fuck for motherfucking one-night stands." Placing his pop can back on the tiny folding table that was between out chairs, he stated, "His schedule's fully open enough to run this motherfucking booth with me."
"Okay, well, I just didn't want to step on anybody's toes. I also don't want an agent thinking that maybe I'm getting special treatment or something cause I'm Pierce's secretary." God, that'd be bad if the agent thought I was getting special treatment. That could make me a gossip topic or something. Oh god…
"Gem, this motherfucker that coming to help me with this motherfucking booth could care less 'bout you being Pierce's secretary. He's seen so many of that man's secretaries come and go to know that special treatment's out of the question."
"Oh…"
Suddenly, Noemi chose that exact moment to drag over a pregnant lady and her son, all the while loudly announcing, "Here's Fury's motherfucking bake sale booth." Before running off to find more victims (I mean customers) the girl told the mother and son, "Now buy some shit, motherfuckers."
"Oh…" The pregnant woman trailed off in a flustered sigh while her son just looked at her and said nonchalantly, "Noemi Fury's always cursing. It drives the teacher nuts, but since her dad's the S.H.I.E.L.D. Director and always blares out MFers she can't really do more then make her sit by her desk and give her a worksheet to do during the first 5-minutes of recesses."
"You must be Devon. Noemi says you're one cool cat, you motherfucker you." Fury told the boy who looked to be about the same height as Noemi.
"Yea, I'm Devon." The boy nodded with a smile. "Noemi's really cool too. All the stories she tells about you and Agent Hill, dang…makes me want to become an agent when I grow up."
"You're married to Agent Hill?" I asked, taken aback that his wife was one of the agents rumored to be able to put the fear of god into all of the men at work (other than the Red Widow, Natasha Romanoff) along with being very tech and weapon savvy.
"Yea, I've been married to Maria for years. We met in Atlanta during the late '90s and been together ever since." Fury told me in a nonchalant tone.
"Oh." I nodded, not knowing what else to do. I mean, who would've thought he'd be married to another agent. One that was so highly regarded too.
"Devon, stop talking to Director Fury and come pick out some cookies. There's a lot of pick from and I don't know what you'd like." The pregnant woman snippily told her son while her eyes scanned over the large selection of cookies.
"The last I think 4-trays are motherfucking diet cookies so stay away from them, motherfucker. No kid needs motherfucking diet cookies." Fury advised the boy before he joined his mother at the cookie section of the booth.
Cutting her eyes at Fury, the Devon's mouth snipped, "You should really watch your mouth around children."
"Fucking sue me, motherfucker. I don't give a fuck if you like what comes out of my mouth or not."
"Please excuse him, ma'am, but he works with STRIKE teams and agents all day so his language is a bit harsh." I told Devon's mother in that fake, but sweet tone I've been using on scandalized bake sale patrons all damn day. Sheesh, can't Fury tone it down for a few hours? We're at a school function for Christ's sakes.
"Well, at least you seem sweet enough." The pregnant lady told me while giving me a dollar for the cookies her son snatched out of the large trays.
"Yea, well, I'm a secretary for the World Security Secretary so I gotta be sweet." I told the pregnant lady in a way that let her know that the bake sale booth was the S.H.I.E.L.D. booth; that 'normal' people weren't running it so get over the antics.
"You work for Alexia's dad. Dang…my class has all the cool S.H.I.E.L.D. people in it."
"Let's go, Devon." The boy's mother said tightly before walking away from our booth.
"Bye, nice meeting you guys." Devon said before running off to join his mom, who was making a beeline towards a booth selling cans of pop.
"Motherfuckers are so judgmental. I swear all these stay at home trophy wife types are the worse. They turn their nose down at us S.H.I.E.L.D. workers, but if it wasn't for us her motherfucking husband wouldn't have a job doing whatever the fuck he does cause the world would've been taken over by Loki or Dark Elves or some other fucked up shit by now."
"Word." I nodded in a 'gangster style' that would make Darcy proud.
It was nearly 4 in the afternoon and I was downing a can of diet Coke to stave off an oncoming headache that I could feel trying to rear its ugly head. Listening to Fury yelling, "Motherfucker, buy some motherfucking cookies!", or "Motherfucker, come to my motherfucking bake sale right now!", or my personal favorite, "You motherfuckers get over here and buy some motherfucking sweet shit!" all day at anybody walking by (small children included) was taking its toll on me. Oh, and add to the mix Fury's daughter running around screaming similar things and dragging anybody she got sink her hooks into over to out booth to buy 'motherfucking cookies and shit' was just the cherry on top of the 'what the fuck kinda private school carnival is this?' sundae.
"Only another hour to go til you can leave and get ready for your motherfucking date." Fury told me as some kids skipped away happily with their 'motherfucking cookies and brownies and shit'.
"Yea…" I sighed, feeling my head pound slightly as the headache tried to break thru and form.
"Why you sound nervous for? Cap's a stand-up motherfucker; you'll have a good time with him."
"I know, Fury. Oh, and I'm not nervous for my date, I'm just getting tired from being at this school carnival."
Fury nodded before pointing to the cookies and telling me, "Eat some of those motherfucking diet cookies since nobody, but a couple of people bought 'em. Oh, but you better pay a motherfucking dollar tho, I don't run no motherfucking soup kitchen at my bake sale booth."
Silently, I nodded before grabbing a dollar out of my phone case wallet and dropping it into the jar. "The diet cookies aren't bad Fury. Thor and Darcy likes them." I told my bake sale partner in crime while snatching a dollar's worth of various diet cookies and sitting back in my lawn chair.
"Thor eats anything and of course Darcy likes them, they're motherfucking cookies. Doesn't matter what kind, that hyper motherfucker will eat anything labeled a motherfucking cookie." Fury scoffed, looking around to try and spot any potential customers he could yell at to buy baked goods.
"That's not true, Darcy doesn't eat raisin cookies." I told Fury in between nibbles on my pumpkin chocolate chip cookie.
"Nobody eats those motherfucking cookies. Not even my best agent and he only eats motherfucking healthy shit." Fury told me, causing me to just nod as I finished me pumpkin cookie. While I began to eat my coconut double chocolate cookie, Fury went on a rant of, "Goddamnit, raisin cookies give me trust issues. You grab the motherfucker thinking its chocolate chip, cause it looks like motherfucking chocolate chip, only to bite into the motherfucker and get a mouthful of raisins and nasty."
"That would be a good t-shirt saying, 'Goddamnit, raisin cookies give me trust issues'."
"Fury, I got some more motherfuckers to buy motherfucking cookies and brownies and shit." Noemi told her dad as she appeared at the booth with a couple of kids that looked to be middle schoolers. Dear lord, she was even intimidating older kids into going to our booth.
"That's my girl." Fury proudly grinned. Standing up and pulling his wallet out of his back pants' pocket, he took some money out of his wallet and handed it to Noemi while telling her, "Here, go get yourself a motherfucking snow cone and bring us back some too before the motherfuckers all get sold out or the only motherfucking flavor left is goddamnit grape Kool-Aide."
"Okay, Fury." Noemi nodded before making a beeline towards the snow cone machine that was in the far distance run by a bunch of fifth grader mothers (cough *cougars* cough).
"And I want my motherfucking change back, goddamnit!" Fury called out to his daughter while the middle school girls tossed some money into the large bucket on the tale and ran off with some brownies and cookies.
An Hour Later…
"Bye Fury, good luck." I told the imposing man spouting out motherfuckers left and right before walking away from the bake sale booth.
"Have fun on your motherfucking date!" He called out to my retreating form, causing a lot of the school carnival goers to stare at me as I made my way over to the gym, which was near the front of the school and the parking lot.
Once I located my car in the packed parking lot, I got in and slowly drove towards the entrance/exit driveway. Right as I was about to turn out a black Chevy Suburban pulled in, only to stop and roll down their window. Popping his head out of the black SUV's window was nonother then Brock. He was wearing a pair of aviators that accented his perfectly styled black hair and his strong, dark stubble covered angular jaw. Sweet Jesus, I felt my mouth go dry at the sight of that man with his sunglasses on. Damn…it should be illegal for somebody to look that good in sunglasses. Down girl, down. You've got a date with Cap in a couple of hours, stop choking on the sight of Brock in aviators.
My ogling was short lived by Brock using his hand to motion for me to roll down my window. As soon as I did, he asked me in his deep, but warm voice, "What're you doing here, baby?"
"Oh, Pierce sent me to work the bake sale with Fury." I told him while trying not to stare at those aviators. Oh my god…my ovaries…behave ovaries, behave and don't combust. Date with Cap in a couple of hours…
"Oh, I should've figured." Brock chuckled, making a small crack at his lack of common sense. "Fury called me in to work the last couple of hours with him." He informed me, revealing his status as Fury's 'best agent'
"Yea, I have to leave early cause I've got plans." I told Brock; earning me an odd look from him. It reminded me of the look Jaws gave everyone before he ate them (or tried too) in all of those Steven Spielberg movies. Feeling a sudden wave of awkwardness wash over me, I smiled as sweetly as I could and told Brock, "Well, there's a lot of cookies so feel free to buy some.", before turning out onto the street and leaving Brock alone in his SUV.
Brock POV:
"Damn…Gem wasn't kidding when she said there's a lot of cookies." I lowly whistled, taking in the numerous trays of cookies on the large bake sale table as I made my way over to the empty lawn chair next to Fury.
Pointing to 4-trays, Fury told me, "Those over there are motherfucking diet cookies." Diet cookies? "Nobody, but a handful of people and Gem, ate those so give me $40 and you can take those motherfuckers."
Looking between him and the cookies, I said, "I think those are worth more than $40, Fury."
"I'm giving you a motherfucking deal for being my best agent, motherfucker. Now, fucking pay me and get those goddamn motherfucking healthy cookies off my booth." The director barked at me as people ran by the booth like it was a hotbed for fucking Ebola.
"Fine." I shook my head, digging my wallet out of my cargo pants. I pulled out a pair of twenties, stuck my wallet back into my back pocket, and stuffed the bills into the jar on the table. "So, who made all the cookies?" I asked while stacking and moving 4-trays onto the small fold up table that Fury had set up between the lawn chairs.
"Gem did. She's one of those overachieving Betty Crocker types that wants every motherfucker to have a cookie."
"That's very thoughtful of her." I remarked while grabbing a chocolate cookie out of the top tray. After taking a bite out of the cookie, I gestured to Fury with it and announced, "These are good. Don't hate on her diet friendly cookies."
Rolling his good eye at me, Fury busted my balls with, "Crazy motherfucker, you haven't eaten sugar and real food in 5-motherfucking-years. Of course, you think those motherfuckers taste good."
"Fuck…here comes the cougars…" I groaned, scarfing down my cookie and grabbing another one as a group of cougars (most likely fresh off of their divorces) came sauntering over.
"You're motherfucking cougar nip, motherfucker." Fury chuckled right as the cougars, all with their badly bleached hair and over-worked face lifts, stopped at our booth.
Fuck… I should be used to cougars (women that are my age or older) flirting with me cause I look 'younger' then I really am by now, but I'm not. It's a bit fucked up. Like fuck, if they knew I was the same age as them they wouldn't look twice cause they like their men 'younger'. Damn, I would have good hair and flawless skin.
I'm not in the mood to be beating back cougars tonight. God, one one-night stand with a cougar a couple of years ago was enough. Fuck, why did Gem have to leave? If she was here, I wouldn't be 'motherfucking cougar nip' and I'd be able to flirt with her; try and salvage something between us. Shit, Darcy screwed things up by scaring Gem away from me by embarrassing her the other day and since I've been so busy with making sure not just STRIKE Alpha, but all the teams are trained and ready for their credential testing (it's next week) that I haven't been able to see Gem at all this week. Hell, and the one time I do see her she's pulling out of the school parking lot cause she's got plans tonight.
"Oh, Fury, I see you've got a new helper with you." One of the cougars said, making me grab another cookie and shove it into my mouth. I knew that Fury would tell her off so all I had to do was sit back and watch the show.
Fury glowered at the cougars and loudly barked, "Just buy some motherfucking cookies and brownies and shit or leave. My best agent don't got time for your cougar shit. Damn, the motherfucker's too old for you cougars anyways."
"Hmmph, come on girls. Let's go check out the Greek salad booth." The head cougar said, looping arms with the others and dragging them away from our booth.
"Greek salad booth? Really, at a fucking school carnival?" I asked, my brow quirked as I made a weird look. Who the fuck sold Greek salads at school functions?
"You'd be surprised the motherfucking shit you see at these motherfucking school carnivals."
"I wouldn't know, I don't got any kids."
Cocking his head at my, he dryly said, "And you won't if your motherfucking schedule's all eat, sleep, work, gym, gym, gym, pick up a ho at a bar for a one-night stand, rinse and repeat, motherfucker."
I cut my eyes and shook my cookie at him while saying, "Don't give me that shit, Fury. You and I both know the real reason why I'm alone. Between my line of work and my age, it ain't that easy to find somebody long term."
"Well, Gem seems to be able to find somebody without any motherfucking problems."
"What?" I asked, finishing the chocolate coconut cookie I was eating.
"Gem left cause she's got a motherfucking date with Cap tonight. She's gonna be priming and all that motherfucking shit for the stand-up motherfucker." Fury told me, causing my blood to run cold. Fuck, how could I forget that she set something up with him earlier this week. "I think Gem and Cap'll be great for company PR." Fury told me in his 'scheming' tone. Goddamnit, I hated that tone. It was the tone he used on me when he 'recruited' me into S.H.I.E.L.D. to play triple agent.
"What the fuck, Fury?" I ground out while snatching a 'bad' cookie from the table.
"Cap's got that motherfucking golden boy image and Gem's a sweet girl. With her on his arm they'll be a good propaganda face for S.H.I.E.L.D. while the rest of us do all the dirty work."
"What?" I choked out, feeling the cookie (made with everything my diet goes against) getting stuck in my throat.
"Hell, just imagine how the media'll have a field day when their motherfucking relationship goes viral and becomes official. The motherfuckers in the PR department will be happier than motherfucking goddamn pigs in shit." Oh god no… Suddenly the cookie I was eating went down the wrong way and I literally felt like I was going to choke to death. Goddamnit, Fury's planning on using Gem's relationship with Cap as a PR stunt and here I am aspirating on a goddamn Tollhouse cookie. Fury smacked me on the back and said, "Don't choke to death, motherfucker. It's bad for business."
"What going on here? The S.H.I.E.L.D. Director and the STRIKE Alpha Commander having problems running a bake sale booth?" Maria asked, coming up to the booth with a toddler on her hip and a pre-k kid holding her hand.
"Motherfucking Rumlow's choking on cookies while I'm trying to tell him about how Cap's date with Gem, Pierce's secretary, is good for PR if they can keep up a motherfucking relationship." Fury informed his wife while leaning back in his lawn chair; folding his arms over his chest in his signature boss move.
Maria nodded, her face like blank stone as she said, "Hmm, that's a good angle. Cap having a girl will make him even more likeable in the public eye."
What was wrong with these people? They're talking about Cap and Gem like they're chess pawns, not fucking people. Feeling my stress levels rising, I grabbed a handful of the Tollhouse cookies and started to stuff my face with them.
Pops always said I was a stress eater; that it started after I came home from kindergarten one day and found my mom dead with a crank needle in her arm. I dunno if he's right, but I do tend to binge eat when I'm stressed. It's a horrible habit. I always have to do an insane workout routine to make sure my abs aren't wrecked and I don't gain 3-fucking-pounds or some shit. In my line of work, I have to keep my body in tip top shape.
Fury wrenched some uneaten cookies out of my hand whle barking out, "Motherfucker, stop eating the good cookies and go eat your special motherfucking diet ones." Tossing the half crumbled cookies into a tray, he ordered, "Save the good one for the motherfucking customers, motherfucker."
"Can I have a cookie, Fury?" The little boy, who looked more like Maria then Fury, asked with big brown puppy-dog eyes.
"Of course, you can have a motherfucking cookie, Marty." Fury told his pre-k aged son, causing Maria to grab a cookie from a tray and hand it to her son all the while bouncing her toddler daughter (who was wearing a pink shirt saying I'm not allowed to date. EVER! in bold bling-bling letters) on her hip.
"I'm going to go find Noemi, make sure she's not getting into trouble." Maria told us before passing the toddler over to Fury and saying, "Watch Neveah." Turning to Marty, she told him, "Stay here with Fury and Commander Rumlow."
"Okay, mommy." Marty told Maria, causing her to quietly take off into the grounded field to find her eldest child (Fury's mini-me).
Marty walked up to me and his dad only to say, "Fury, I thought that mommy calls him Captain Save A Ho. Why did she call him Commander Rumlow?"
God, it's going to be a long motherfucking night running this bake sale booth with Fury.
AN:
And that was the big bake sale chapter. Fury's some PTA parent, huh? Poor Brock, he's a stress eater. You know with his strict diet he gets hangry a lot too so… Gem survived her first school function. That's good considering Pierce is going to be making her do those things.
Next chapter will be Gem's date with Cap. Oh boy…