CHAPTER 13: The Fire I Want To Burn In

Song recommendation for this chapter: Two Ghosts by Harry Styles

"Cristina? Why are you calling so late. It's 2am." Meredith's groggy voice came through the phone.

"I had a dream… no a vision, Meredith." Cristina standing around her room wearing a large shirt that had to be Owen's. Her hair wild.

"Are you drunk?" Meredith asked.

"No. I'm not drunk." Cristina huffed impatiently. "I had a dream-no-I was shown something. God or whoever came to me today."

"God, huh?" Meredith chuckled.

"Meredith, just listen." Cristina began to pace. She was shaking but not from fear or panic but from… clarity. She was in a fog and at last, she found her way out. "We were together. Owen and I were together for real. I had a dog, Meredith. A dog! You were looking at me like I was crazy. And then… I had a kid."

"Cristina-" Meredith sounded tired on the phone, but Cristina pushed on.

"Everything was so bright and sunny. And Kepner- god- Kepner had a kid and she was calling us belly buddies and I wanted to strangle her and then… I lost everything, Mer. And it wasn't- it wasn't like I grew from it. I just- stopped. Like things were happening around me but it was like I wasn't there."

"Wait- i'm still on belly buddies. What?"

"Listen." Cristina found herself growing frustrated with her friend. Almost a sense like she was being looked down on.

"Right right." Meredith yawned. "Okay you lost everything."

"Does that make me a horrible person? I had a husband. I had a dog. I had a son. I had the carseats and the fucking birthday parties in the park. And I still felt like the one losing everything."

"You're not horrible for it."

Cristina pondered this for a moment, falling back onto her bed with another huff.

"Then there was a different path. Where we weren't together." Cristiana said a little quieter. "The cycle just kept going. I drove him insane. I ruined him."

"By not being with him?"

"Torturing him." Cristina shut her eyes out of the pain of it. As if it would wipe her memory of how he looked drunk on the hospital bed. "Torturing us. Because we can't be together."

"Cristina, Owen is a big boy."

"Ugh it's not like that." Cristina's eyes snapped open again. She refrained from calling her friend something rude. "It's like- what if Addison and Derek stayed together but you were still in love with him. And you knew it was wrong to be with him. But you just couldn't stop. And imagine that for years…"

Meredith didn't say anything for a minute and Cristina didn't expect her to. The message was sinking in. The direness of the situation. Honestly, Cristina didn't know what she expected from Meredith anymore. And Cristina found herself almost hating her friend for only understanding Cristina's situation- only empathizing when it was about her. Sometimes it felt like they weren't so close-

Shut up.

She didn't want to think that.

"We're not married- you're not- Owen is my person."

"So what are you going to do?" Meredith finally said.

"Take door number three."

"Which is?"

"Getting the hell out of here."

Cristina wasn't an idiot. She knew Meredith would consort with Owen to scheme up a reason to make her stay. Owen bought brand new surgical imaging tools the next week. Meredith submitted Cristina's work for a large grant. On and on. Little gestures. Owen posted CHIEF CARDIO SURGERY job application flyers everywhere. And when he instructed her to interview the candidates she didn't have the heart to tell him no. She knew the moment was coming but she wanted to keep him happy and hopeful for as long as possible.

Just like fattening up a pig before slaughter...

No.

Just being kind For as long as I can.

For all of Owen and Meredith's chipper attitude, Cristina remained set in her plan to leave Seattle. Owen and Meredith didn't understand things the way she did. She had a strange sense of calm after the dream. There wasn't any pretending she didn't know what would happen if she stayed. There wasn't any anxiety over wishful thinking and optimistic questions. There was only stay or go. She had hurt enough people.

That's when she found him sitting about a hundred invitations down on her Linkedin page. And she didn't even get that queasy feeling she used to when she saw the name: Burke.

"You saw him."

Cristina startled, nearly falling out of her chair. Owen hadn't talked to her in days ever since he found out about her and Shane. She spun around in her chair. He was standing in the doorway, looking deeply troubled. The lines on his forehead were deep, which told her that he thought about having this conversation for a long time. Lost sleep over it.

"Excuse me?"

"You saw him." Owen spit. He seemed physically repulsed by the very words. "You saw Burke."

"Yeah. He was at the talk I gave in Zurich." Cristina responded casually.

"How could you-" He grabbed his hair out of sheer frustration "Meredith said there was even a job offer. To work for him."

"No." Cristina said quickly. "Not work for him. To take over for him."

"So what? Are you going to do it?" Owen demanded. Cristina flinched. It wasn't like him to be so angry right out of the gate- even after all the fights they had. She was about to shout her response when she saw his eyes. Fear.

"As I recall you were the one who encouraged me to expand my horizons." She crossed her arms.

"I didn't mean move and… with him." Owen glowered.

"He has a wife and kids. Two kids actually. James and Isabel, i think they're called." Cristina said standing in the small office. The idea still hurt her. She never loved Burke but she wanted to be him. And the fact that her mentor, her idol got to have kids… the fact that he was giving up his job to make them happy; it was never something Cristina could have done. And in a way Burke was right, she was beyond him now. She was beyond Owen. "He wants his happily ever after so his quitting his practice to be with them full time."

"He knows how to manipulate you, knows what you want, how to get you to say yes to this."

"Owen!" Cristina threw her hands up. "Burke has nothing to do with this. Can't you see that? I can't stay here." Her voice broke. She realized she was shaking. She tried to still herself, reel her emotions back in. It wasn't fair to either of them to expose those. "This isn't about some award. I finally know what I want. I have the opportunity to make a huge difference to hundreds of patients and- Are you even listening?"

Owen was just shaking his head. She knew her words were falling on deaf ears.

"It's not manipulation." Cristina insisted. "Owen, I want you to support me. Out of everyone, I thought you'd support me." She wanted to add:

I supported you when you dated Emma, when you wanted to have a family.

This is my dream.

Why can't you support me?

He bolted from the room without so much as a goodbye. That hurt Cristina right to her core, but she didn't have the strength to run after him. Not anymore. Maybe there was no hope for civility after. Maybe leaving would be one of the worst things she did. But not the worst thing she could have done.

Owen came back later that evening seeming in an uncharacteristically chipper mood especially after their last meeting. Cristina instantly felt her wall go up.

"The Harper Avery Foundation would like to mend fences with us. A cash infusion…"

"Owen don't- please don't. Please don't offer me this job." Cristina rushed to interrupt him. Owen was taken aback by the desperation in her voice, and she watched his forehead line with worry then relax. It wasn't fair. That she could read him so easily. It would be nice to have deniability. Claim that she didn't know how desperate he was. How bad her leaving would hurt him.

"I wanted to." In one microsecond she saw his whole physicality change. His shoulders dropped. His eyes softened. The glow inside them growing dimmer. He looked down and sighed. "I know you have to go. I know nothing good can come from me asking you to stay. So I'm not." Then he looked at her. In that kind of icy-icicle way that cut right through her. "I won't."

"Thank you." whispered Cristina. She felt her hand twitch on the table. Aching to reach out and touch him. But she stilled it. She could feel him looking at her. She stared at her hands instead. Hands that revived human hearts for a living but managed to break the one she loved the most. These past few weeks she noticed the deep lines on his face that weren't there when they met. She wondered, no she feared, that maybe those lines would never have formed if she never agreed to marry him. But still... he looked so damn handsome.

He stood up and turn away. He was going to walk out that door. She should say something, because never before had their story truly felt so final as this moment. But nothing came to mind. That was so odd. How could she have planned this all out except for the most important part?

He stopped-

He's turning back-

"But I will ask you…"

And then he was kissing her. And damn, he was always so physical. Hand still calloused and warm as always, holding her close. Cristina couldn't help but recall the first moment they kissed. It was just like this. Sudden and full of passion. It was safety and chaos all in one. It was addicting. She felt her body waking up to it. And she didn't know she was crying until she felt tears sliding down both of their cheeks, collecting where their noses met.

"Just don't leave me until you're leaving me." He begged. Begging like he never had before. Not like with the choking, the cheating, the plane crash.

"I don't want to hurt you." Cristina whispered. And maybe the fear. The fear of her self. That she was just some weapon flying through the air and piercing everything in her path with no control- the fear that she could still find deeper ways to her this man- that fear finally showed itself. Because Owen heard it and stroked her cheek a little.

"You can't hurt me."

"I don't believe you." Cristina heard her voice crack.

"After everything we've been through?" Owen laughed through his tears, cradling her head. "You are the only fire I want to burn in."

...Soooooooooo what can i say but i'm sorry for the delay. I hope this makes up a little for it. Lots of you said don't let this end so I decided to drag some stuff out :) and keep the angst fest going! Please tell me what you think? Thank you for your comments and your encouragement!