Evelyn POV
I spent the night in a constant state or shifting from side to side, flipping the pillow over and over to the cold side and getting up to walk around the room a few times. I was restless, worried about the recent developments with John and despite his attempts at assuring me he wanted more than sex, it did nothing to sooth my axiety. If anything, if all he wanted was a one off romp, it'd have been easier to deal with.
Weir emailed me while I was trying to finish my work on the generators to see if I had anything she could report on before the dial in and I spent the next few hours frantically scribbling. I was grateful, honestly, for the distraction. I emailed Rodney to check things over before I printed them and sent them to Weir to go through. He responded before I even had time to get dressed for the day and asked me if he wanted me to start printing them while I made my way down.
"So are you?" Rodney asked and I looked up from the printer I was standing next to. I shot him a sheepish grin.
"What?" I replied. He shook his head.
"I asked if you were okay. You rushed off last night at dinner and were gone by the time I made it back to the lab," he explained and I sighed, crossing my arm over my chest. I nodded as I looked down at my boots for a moment.
"I feel guilty about what's happening with John," I explained. "He keeps telling me it's not my fault but…"
"But you feel like if you'd just made another call earlier he wouldn't have had to make the ones he did?" Rodney and I nodded.
"Exactly," I said.
"I feel like that sometimes," he told me. "Especially after what happened in the Doranda system. But unlike me, you aren't actually at fault. Even if you'd have attacked Ellia earlier, she still could have gone for Sheppard. And if you had, you might have come off a lot worse than a few bruises. What's happening with him is bad, but it could have been much worse. Remember, Evelyn, you helped kill the Wraith. You helped save his life."
"Thanks Rodney," I smiled. "That was oddly compassionate of you."
"Hey!" he yelled. "I can be compassionate!"
"Sure," I chuckled, picking up my stack of papers from the printer tray and he handed me another set he was supposed to be delivering himself. So that's why he offered to print mine for me. I headed to the gate room, mentally preparing myself for any questions she might have about the project.
"I'm going on that mission," John demanded and I looked up.
I was walking along the walkway from the control room toward Weir's office and saw the two exchanging heated glances. There was a Marine standing by her office door, ready at a moment's notice. I wasn't aware they'd given John a security detail but I couldn't say I was surprised. It was protocol. It did explain why I hadn't heard from him, hard to sneak around if you have an armed escort following you.
I clutched the stacks of paper a little harder, the tension in the room was thick. I glanced at the marine, he mirrored my expression. This wasn't good. We both had a lot of respect for John but we knew he wasn't getting his way on this one. And he shouldn't.
"No, John, you're not," Weir said firmly.
"Damn it!" He let out a growl of frustration and spun around, taking a swing for the glass wall I was standing near. His fist made contact with the glass, shattering it easily. I jumped, scooting back almost a foot in shock as the marine beside me pulled his stunner, ready to fire.
"It's okay! Put it down," Weir ordered, stepping in front of the stunner.
"I'm betting that didn't sell you," John said sheepishly.
"No. No, not really," Weir replied, unimpressed.
"I should go back to the infirmary," John said awkwardly.
"Yes," Weir agreed.
John noticed me then and immediately averted his eyes, avoiding eye contact. The marine escorted John back across the walkway and towards the control room stairs, presumably to go back to the infirmary. I looked worriedly at Weir and held the files out towards her.
"You can go, Captain," she dismissed, looking at me warmly, despite what had just happened.
I nodded at her and then scurried off down the hall, intent on meeting back up with John in the infirmary. I walked into the main part of the infirmary in time to hear even Beckett yelling at John. Seemed tension was running high all over Atlantis. But then, John was a pretty integral part of the mission running smoothly.
"I said no, son!" Beckett scolded.
"I keep telling you, the infirmary isn't secure. After what happened we need to be smarter about this!" John argued back.
"I am a Doctor, I have my duty of care," Beckett argued and I cleared my throat. The two men looked at me, shocked at my sudden appearance.
"Beckett, you're not thinking about this pragmatically," I said. He cocked his head to the side, raising an indignant eyebrow at me.
"Excuse me?" he damned. "Oh bloody great, of course you agree with the Colonel. Because you're.."
"Because I'm in the Air Force first and foremost and I understand the risks to security," I said firmly, challenging him to snap at me again. He backed off and I started speaking again. "You have a duty of care, and I understand that, but your duty of care extends to more than just Colonel Sheppard. If he's a security risk, keeping him in the same area as the sick and injured, in a place he can easily get out of.. It's just not safe. No one is saying you have to stop treating him, just have staff visit his quarters on rotation."
"See," John said.
"Aye, fine, alright," Beckett sighed. "I'll see what I can work out. You can help the security detail escort him to his quarters then, if you're so invested, Captain."
"Thanks Beckett," I smiled sweetly and saluted him on my way out.
"Why did you side with me?" John asked as we walked back toward his room.
"It does actually make the most sense. Can I ask you something?" I replied and he nodded. "What did you mean, after what happened?"
"Did you miss the whole window shattering right beside your head?" he asked and I shook my head. "That's why. I went in there with the good intentions of joining my team on the mission to get a hold of some Iratus eggs but snapped, and I didn't even feel that coming. If that's what I can do while I'm still relatively lucid, how much worse is it going to get?"
"It's not going to come to that, the others will be back before this can get any worse," I said as we came to a stop outside his door. I leaned on the frame.
"How come you didn't go?" he asked.
"Up until your fist hit the window I didn't know there was a mission," I shrugged. "Guess no one thought it was a good fit for me. Plus I suppose I'm technically Rodney's team, more than yours, and he's a bit weird about what missions are too dangerous for me."
"Can't blame him for wanting to keep you safe, you're one of the few people that treats him the way you do," he said.
"What? Knocks him down a few pegs?" I smirked.
"No, you keep him humble. The rest of us, we rag on him for his personality, but we treat him like he's a genius, his intelligence puts him above everyone else in that regard," he explained. "You on the other hand, know he's smart but still keep him on the same level as everyone else."
"He's good at physics, he's not a genius," I replied.
"See," John said, pointing a finger at me. He wiped his hand past the door lock and it whooshed open.
"I'll stop by later," I told him.
I felt even more conflicted when I left. I wanted to be a good friend to John, be around him and provide him with the moral support he'd need right now but the closer we got the further feelings would develop. And I wanted to talk to someone about it but I also knew the more people I told, the less secret it would be. I couldn't tell Cadman, definitely couldn't tell Rodney and it was off the table completely to discuss it with Heightmeyer.
In the end, I did little productive, and instead paced around my room until a few hours had gone by and I returned to John's quarters. Upon opening the door, I found him doing exactly what I had been, pacing. I smiled empathetically at him and took a spot by the window, staring out over the city.
"A lot on your mind?" I asked eventually and he sighed. He was closer behind me than I'd noticed. He moved lightning fast and scarily quiet, although I hadn't noticed before now.
"I can't imagine a reason I wouldn't right now," he replied and I scoffed.
"Well at least we know the inhibitor's working if you're lucid enough to worry," I shrugged and he grumbled.
"You also suck at bedside manor," he told me and I raised a brow. "Weir visited a little bit ago. I'm going crazy in here."
"I know, with your team out there, nothing you can do about what's happening. It'd drive me crazy," I agreed. "Guess we gotta come up with a way to distract you."
"Are you.."
"Not that," I snorted.
While it was no secret I definitely wanted to explore what John and I had between us more, now was not the time. I reached up to brush my fingertips across the slightly discoloured flesh of his jaw. He sank into my touch and let me cup his cheek for a moment.
"How about we spar a little? I know you can't really turn your thoughts off right now, so we burn you out until you have no choice but to go to sleep," I suggested and he nodded.
"I'm stronger now, you know this," he warned and I smirked.
"You might have a bit of extra go in you, but I can handle you. I have the skill, I have the knowledge I just need the practice and what better opportunity than now?" I said and he shrugged, taking a position in the empty space by the door. "Plus, now I technically know what fighting a wraith will be like, and wont fuck it up like I did with Ellia."
"You know you're the only one who thinks you fucked up, right?" he told me, before lunging forward. I threw up a block and stood my ground.
"While we might be our own worst critics, I was still wrong. I let what I wanted the situation to be, cloud my judgement and I put you at risk. You're here right now because of me. I'm never going to forgive myself for that," I told him and thrust a knee up between us to hit him in the gut. He grunted and pushed me back by my thigh. I caught myself and swung out a hit.
"I don't blame you, it was my choice to step in," he said.
"You don't need to, how I feel is enough. And while I respect the value of your choices, if I hadn't made mine the way I did, you wouldn't have been in the position to make the call you did," I replied.
"Why do we keep having this conversation?" he asked, throwing me on the ground. "It's like we're stuck in a loop."
"We're both very stubborn people," I shrugged, and then booted him off of me and slid out from under him. "I know I need to let this go, John, but I'm scared."
"Scared?" he asked. I nodded and ducked under a hit he'd aimed at my head.
"It's just like with Charlie, of course there was no way I could have known the outcomes of the choices I made that day, even if I wasn't just a kid, no one could have seen that coming. But I was still there and if I'd made different choices, things obviously would have come out differently. I'm a control freak John, because I'm scared I'll fuck up again."
"I guess I can't convince you to let this go," he said. "Maybe I need to spar with you until you have no choice but to sleep."
"Sounds like a plan," I agreed, headbutting him.
John POV
I laid back, slightly sweaty, with my head on my pillow. Evelyn was resting her head on my chest showing no regard to my mutating hand gently stroking the bare skin of her arm. Her heartbeat was steady, gentle, she was completely relaxed. I was a monster, how could she be so worry free? Even Elizabeth had been wary around me. My eyes started to feel a little heavy, Evelyn's plan had worked, it seemed.
"I can't stay," she whispered softly. "I want to be here, with you, but if Carson comes by for your checkup, or Weir wants to give you an update…"
This woman… she shouldn't want to stay, after what I was becoming. She should be repulsed. At any moment I could hurt her and here she was.
"You're worried, not because you're in the arms of a mutating man on the verge of becoming a homicidal monster, but because someone might find out about us?" I scoffed. She really needs to sort out her priorities. Would that be such a bad thing? Avoiding the secrets? I knew it would be hard at first, but surely things would be okay. If I survived this at least.
"I know you're going to be alright," she shrugged. "You might be transforming a little now, and you're kinda scaly, but we're going to change you back. Plus, even without the inhibitor, you have too much self control. I trust you, you just let me know if you feel yourself slipping."
"I'm slipping further every moment," I told her.
"You're being dramatic," she rolled her eyes at me. She propped herself up over me. Fingertips of her hand trailing gently on my sternum while she leant on her stump. "Listen, everything's going to be alright, you get some sleep. I'll stay here until you're out and stop by again when you're awake again."
"Don't fall asleep here, it might not be safe," I warned, she was right she couldn't stay. She scoffed. "I'm serious."
"You're not going to murder me in my sleep, John," she rolled her eyes at me. I sighed and lay back on my pillow. This woman would be the death of me. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to relax to the steady rhythm of her breath and her heartbeat. I seemed to be accurately aware of it now. I could hear it from the moment she was nearby. I knew she was near before she opened the door.
Evelyn POV
I walked out of John's room, making sure I was quiet as I left. It'd taken him a while, but he'd finally managed to get some sleep. I was worried about him, he seemed to have given up on ever changing back despite being desperate to do something about it. I sighed, I needed to distract myself if I was going to get any sleep myself. I headed for my lab to grab my tablet so I could fall asleep to my latest project. I was moments away from the transporter when my radio went off and I groaned.
"O'Neill," I answered as I stepped inside and the doors closed around me.
"Evelyn, it's Elizabeth," Weir greeted. "Would you stop by my office?"
She sounded nervous. Momentarily, I panicked. She couldn't know, could she? My hands hovered over the map buttons. I shook my head. She was nervous because her head of military operations was turning into a bug. I pressed the button for the gateroom and agreed to meet.
For someone who'd been very 'dont ask, don't tell' since she was a child, I didn't seem to be doing a great job of masking my inner turmoil over what was going on. Thankfully most people seemed to chalk it down to my boss being a bug not my boss being inside of me.
I walked up to the empty window frame of Weir's office and knocked on the metal. I paused until she looked up at me. She smiled, but there was an uneasy look on her face. This had been hard on everyone.
"Come in," she told me and gestured to the chairs in front of her desk. I smiled anxiously at her and sat down. I immediately and uncontrollably started bobbing my knee. I'd picked up the nervous habit shortly after I'd lost my arm and couldn't wring my hands together.
"How is he?" Weir asked and I sighed. I shook my head.
"Not great," I answered honestly. "On one hand, he's self aware. Meaning he's lucid and the inhibitors Beckett has him on are working. Which is good. On the other hand, I think that makes it all the worse. While he's mostly in control of his actions, when he does make a bad judgment call, or he slips, like he did earlier," I paused to glance back at the missing glass of the window.
"He's acutely aware of it?" Weir continued and I nodded. She had been unconsciously clicking her pen for a while now as she held it in her hand. Leaning on the heel of the other one, she sighed.
"He knows he's unpredictable, he knows the Iratus is taking over," I said. "And he feels angry, scared, he's guilty when he comes back into his own head. I'm worried."
"I was also worried, that this might be the case," she said. She leaned back in her chair and groaned. "You know John as well as I do, maybe more, he's not going to take this lying down, even if he's already subconsciously given up. He's desperate."
"Can't blame him," I said and raised an eyebrow at me.
"I don't." she said simply. "But, while the others are gone, we're going to have to take shifts checking up on him. Especially while the others are gone. I don't exactly don't have the experience comforting someone.."
"Don't insult your emotional intelligence, Weir," I said and she smiled at me.
"Thank you, Evelyn," she replied. "Please don't be offended about not going on the mission with the others, Rodney wanted you to come along but I denied his request. I chose you to stay behind on this mission because I thought you'd be able to do more here. Everyone on John's team is a close personal friend of his, but of everyone, I thought you'd be able to understand him the best."
"With respect, why me?" I asked. "In terms of comforting, I'm really better with children than adults. And John?"
"Have you met John?" Weir scoffed. "He's essentially a giant kid. But I'm asking you because he seems to respond well to you, he listens to you, cares for you. You and John are actually more similar than you appear at first glance. I'd say in the short time you've been a part of this expedition you've grown quite close, haven't you?"
"Yeah," I agreed, trying to squash down all thoughts on the more than friends activities we'd done yesterday. "Yeah, you could say that…"
"Well good, I hope you'll help me with this," she replied, sounding pleased.
"You didn't need to ask," I told her.
"I know," she told me, seeming like she knew a bit more than she was letting on. But maybe I was just being paranoid. She dismissed me and I got up for the door. I reached the metal frame and she called out to me.
"I'm grateful," she said. "That he's got you."
"I was just with him," I told her, staring towards the control room. "You'd probably better take the first visit."
"Okay," she agreed, smiling. "I'll let you know when I leave."
John POV
I blinked awake, sad that I didn't see Evelyn anymore, but she'd done what I told her. The door swooshed open and I looked up to see Weir standing in its wake. She smiled anxiously at me.
"Hey John," she smiled. "Can I come in?"
I raised an eyebrow. She was already standing a foot into my open bedroom, she was also expedition leader. There wasn't much I could say to deny her. I jerked my head as an invitation and pushed myself up on my bed.
"I thought I should come by and practice my bedside manner," she told me and I wanted to roll my eyes. "How are you?"
"My body's mutating into a bug. How are you?" I replied bitterly.
Weir looked back at me awkwardly. I turned my head and then spotted myself in my bedroom mirror. The mutation had spread to my neck, and quite far up it. It would be hard to hide, now. I couldn't just tuck my hand away in my pocket.
"How's Evelyn?" I asked. "She stopped by before."
"Yes, she mentioned in my office before. She's going to stop by again later, is that alright?" Weir asked. Of course it was alright. I almost rolled my eyes.
"Yeah," I said shortly. Weir stood around awkwardly again for a few moments before she seemed to come up with something else to say. So much for practicing her bedside manner.
"Would you like an update on your team's progress? They've found an iratus cave, and they've headed in," she told me.
I nodded to myself, this was good. Hopefully they should be back and creating a cure to this damn thing by morning. But things never went well in the pegasus galaxy. There was no guarantee they'd even be back, let along with iratus eggs.
"They should locate some eggs and be back here in no time," Weir said. I didn't really believe her.
"No time," I repeated. Not in this galaxy.
"Yes," she agreed.
"Then what?"
"Honestly, I don't know," she said, leaning around to face me. I turned away. She couldn't know. If she did it wouldn't be long before Evelyn found out. "Hey," Weir paused, concerned. "Are you alright, would you like me to call someone?"
"Who would you call?" I scoffed.
"If you need to see a doctor," she started, she had no idea.
"I need a bigger security detail," I seethed.
"Excuse me?" Weir asked, taken aback.
"At least two men stationed at my door. Sooner rather than later," I explained.
"What are you talking about?" she said.
"Just trust me, Elizabeth. You're going to need it," I told her. She started trying to object. "Agh, just get Evelyn if you don't understand. She'll tell you. She understands."
"I still think you should be in the infirmary," Weir started. "We could post more guards there.."
"No! Here is safer for everyone, I thought you already understood," I argued. "Elizabeth they need to hurry. The infirmary isn't secure. The inhibitor is only keeping me so lucid, and it's not slowing the retrovirus."
"Still," Weir said. I threw myself up.
"Don't argue with me! I'm not safe to be around anymore. Get some men at my door, and get the hell out of here."
"Okay. Okay," she agreed, finally.
She got up for the door and I heard her just outside speaking to the marine posted at my quarters.
"Double the detail," she said.
"Code one-six," I heard him say.
Evelyn POV
"Evelyn, it's me, the situation with John.. things are getting worse," Weir said into my radio.
"I heard," I told her as I made my way through the corridors of the city. I knew exactly where I was going, and I was letting no one get in my way.
"He doesn't want any visitors, but I think you're right. He's slipping and he's aware of it," she continued.
"I'm on my way to see him," I told her.
"He did tell me to get you, said you'd understand, explain why he wants a bigger detail," she told me.
"I think you understand just fine on your own," I replied. Weir read and approved all John's security protocols. She knew. She just didn't want to believe things were this bad. I didn't either. "I don't disagree with the order. But I do think he might need someone to talk him down from the ledge."
"Go, it's important you get there before the damage is done," Weir agreed.
"Weir?" I said. Pausing a corridor away.
"Yes?" she asked.
"I'm sorry for my part in how this happened," I told her. "I should not have let an enemy sweet talk me into leaving her alone with Atlantis equipment, regardless of what she did with it."
"No one blames you," Weir said.
"I do," I replied.
"You're just like him," Weir told me again. "Now go tell him what you need to hear."
I jogged the rest of the way after signing off, skidding across the polished floors as I approached the two men posted outside John's room. They nodded at me before letting me inside and I hovered by the now closed door. John was sitting faced away from me on his bed, but I knew he knew I was here.
"I heard about the one-six, are things really that bad?" I asked.
"You can't be here," he replied bluntly.
"John," I shook my head.
"I mean it," he sair firmer.
"Stop trying to push me away. I know it's under the guise of protecting me, but I also know the truth. You're scared, of what's happening, of yourself, what you might do...but you don't have to be scared alone. You can't hurt me, John," I said and turned, reaching for the lights.
"Leave them off," he commanded.
"What?" I paused.
"The lights, leave them off," he said. Things must be bad.
"I'm not afraid, I've said it before and I'll say it again," I told him. "Don't push me away."
"Leave the lights off," he told me again.
"It's spreading," I concluded. "That doesn't bother me.."
"It bothers the hell out of me!" he yelled in frustration, jumping to his feet. I started making my way over. In a flash he was behind me and throwing me up against the wall. He pinned me there. "I'm serious," he said.
"John, it's some scaly skin," I told him. "It'll go back to how it was before when they get back with the antidote. Even if it doesn't, I don't care."
"No?" He demanded. There was silence for a few moments. He was pressed in close behind me. Our breathing was laboured, tension high. I could feel heavy breaths hitting the back of my exposed neck. My skin was hot and covered in goosebumps. "No?"
"No," I confirmed, shaking my head and letting out a thick exhale. My whole chest felt heavy. "I don't care," I told him again.
I felt lips crashing down on my neck, nipping and biting a trail up to my ear. I whined softly. My vision was cloudy. I wondered if this was a symptom of the iratus virus. I tried to shake myself out of this. All I could feel, all I could think about what the teeth scraping against sensitive flesh.
"John," I gasped as a hand slithered up under my shirt to grope at my breasts. The other, mutating one slid down to my zipper and was pulling my trousers down my hips. "No."
"I thought you didn't care?" he demanded.
"John I can't," I told him. "I don't care about looks, but I do care about consent. You're not yourself. We can't do this now. The inhibitor is only keeping you so lucid. I'm not taking advantage."
"Taking advantage?" he scoffed. "I have you pinned to the wall."
His lips went back to my neck and both hands yanked my trousers and panties down to my thighs. He kept me pinned to the wall as my body felt like it was on fire. I wanted to let him take me right there. I liked John. But this wasn't him. This was wrong. Not to mention, we had no idea what would happen with the retrovirus. It spread to John when Ellia tried to feel, what would happen if we...
"No, stop!" I cried out as I heard the clicking of his belt buckle being thrown open to the side. Rough hands on my hips pulled me back and down and I let out a cry, throwing my head back into his. He growled out and I slammed an elbow back into his sternum. "John," I said desperately.
"What use are you to me if you can't even do this?" he seethed.
He didn't mean it, I know he didn't. But it still hurt. I couldn't be objective here. I pulled my slacks back up my legs and turned. Temporarily I was caught off guard. The right side of his neck and face were now covered with blue scales and his right eye had changed colour. Using my hesitation as an opportunity he threw himself forward and pulled me into a heated kiss.
"Stop it!" I growled myself and threw a punch straight to his jaw as I pushed him off me. I brought a knee up between us and got him in the balls before doing it again for the gut and the chest. I pushed him back, throwing him to the ground and ran for the door.
"Guards!" I screamed out and the door opened. I ducked as they rushed in and stunned him. I heard his body hit the ground again, he must have pushed himself up as I was running, as I suspected he would.
"I'm sorry John," I whispered as I stepped away from his now closed door.