Chapter 13: Delusions

"And he's recovered?"

Ozpin didn't look at Doctor Maron. He usually never had to. Even after thousands of years in thousands of minds and having seen and lived through near every aspect of the human condition, some faces were still hard to read. Some simply hid their true selves too well. Doctor Maron was like that.

Jaune Arc was not.

"Fit and ready to go. The scars will linger however, and those will raise questions." A puff of smoke came up, danced in the air, and made the inside of Ozpin's nostrils burn, "What will you tell him?"

Ozpin shifted his hands on his cane, stared through the one-way glass at the boy. He looked like he'd just washed up out of a storm. You didn't think a man could look so tired after having been asleep for months, and yet Ozpin had the highest suspicion that the next time Jaune closed his eyes, he just might find that warm, inviting light. Maybe he'd reach for it. Crave it. Find rest, real rest, on the other side. He was lucky—being able to die. Or at least, being able to die permanently.

Leave the boy alone, the better part of him said. What was the point? Wasn't this nothing but one big timeworn charade? An endless squabble between two people that lived on for longer than any human being should? There was only madness down this way. When did I lose my mind, really? The first body? The second? And when did I stop counting? And what would it all lead to, a victory, perhaps. The first victory in a while, with power like his. Nothing since the maidens or the silver-eyed warriors had ever come so close.

Leave the boy alone, the better part of him said. Demanded, even. Remember your old self. Would the honorable hero, the aspiring king, Ozma ever do the things you do now? No, Ozma was a good man. A respectable man. Ozma would never do… the things Ozpin did. Had to do.

But that was just it. He wasn't Ozma anymore. He wasn't even Ozpin, whatever that was supposed to be. Who was he anymore?

And more importantly, did he even want to be anyone?

Ozpin held his hand up like he was holding a plate, centered his bedded student in his palm and stared at him. He was like a fine piece of pottery, worth millions, billions at prime condition. But what's this? A crack? It brought the value down considerably… or did it? How much effort did collectors go through to preserve items of such fragility? Inherently, their value was even higher, because to lose such a unique piece, why that was a crime on all of humanity. It had to be preserved. Had to be. Ozpin had no choice.

Or so he told himself.

"Ozpin?" Maron asked again.

"The truth. That is what I'll tell him." Ozpin said as he headed for the door.

"Which one?" Maron quipped without missing a beat. "What is the difference between a lie or truth if not what the individual and the collective believe?"

It was a question Ozpin asked himself a lot. Or used to. Had the Brother Gods ever been real? Had the times long ago ever been real? Was the sky really blue? Each and every time, sound logic would come in, say that's what he experienced, so it had to be the truth. Who would know better than he?

Then he found the answer. And everything clicked.

"It is whatever I say it is." Ozpin said, resolutely. And he plastered on the best smile he could, shot down whatever guilt managed to come up, and pushed through the doors.

Jaune looked up at him like a man guilty of a serious crime, like a puppy beaten near to death. Ozpin could imagine that feeling. Where am I? What happened to me? Why would my Headmaster be here, unless… unless I did something wrong? Then the boy swallowed as Ozpin stopped at his side, a tower of power of authority, standing over a guilty child in need of a lessoning. A punishment.

"Mister Arc..."

Jaune's eyes were looking up at him. Begging. Pleading. Clueless. The perfect state of mind. Easy moulded, easily controlled, perfectly subservient. Leave the child alone, Ozpin told himself, let him go.

But he couldn't.

Too bad about those robbers. They were probably being executed in prison right about now. Couldn't afford such loose ends. He'd need to close down that bank, too. Burn it to the ground. Silence the witnesses. The work never ended. A cracked pot could always be repaired.

So why not break it a little more?

"I must admit that when I came down here, I expected you to be in trouble for something serious." Ozpin let the smile fall, saw the horror in Jaune's paling face, "But killing robbers, even if the circumstances were serious, well, I couldn't say I predicted that."

~x~

No! Ruby sprang into action, the familiar sound of scraping metal as Crescent Rose unfolded, then a quick red blur flashed before her… and the two Primal's heads rolled. She landed flat-footed, stared at the wilting bodies, and frowned.

It happened every time, and while she knew why, it didn't make her any less frustrated. It defeated the whole hunting purpose if your prey could sense your intentions. Not exactly much of a morale booster to constantly fail at what was supposed to be her job. Everything had just been a slew of failures.

Ruby looked over the horizon. She remembered setting up the fire, watching the smoke rise up in the air, waiting a few days, before she and her group had to call it and head back to camp. If someone was coming, they did a poor job showing it. Some plan. Great job, Ruby.

She felt stupid, more often than not. But more recently, she was just angry. At the world, at the forest, the Grimm… and even her friends.

And getting back to the camp only made her think about it more. Nora was splashing Ren in the spring, while Blake and Weiss were talking by the edge, laughing at this and that. Not that she wasn't happy for them. She lived to see everyone happy.

But she also needed to ensure they survived. And this spring, no matter how heavenly it was, was not a safe zone. And she wondered if everyone else had just magically forgotten that.

She sighed as she pulled off her cloak and threw it on the floor when she stepped into the cave. Maybe it was better for them this day. Their happiness wouldn't attract the Grimm, at least. But that still meant they were out there. Waiting for the right moment. Whatever a right moment for a supposedly mindless monster was supposed to be.

The jaguar Grimm…

She hadn't even seen it and yet it was always on her mind, ever since it spared Pyrrha. It was out there, watching them, Ruby could just feel it.

She had to find it. Kill it.

But it wouldn't happen today, that was for sure. She settled down on her spot in the foliage bed, a faint outline of her sleeping body, and yanked off her boots. She hissed as she began rubbing the ache out of her feet. She did it every night. Mostly for routine. If you had a routine,then you were always doing something, and if you were always doing something, you had no time to think. Bad thoughts came up when she thought about things. Very bad thoughts.

How much longer would this go on before something changed? How much time would pass before they were finally home? She missed Zwei, her dad, Uncle Qrow, and she missed her bed. Anything for a real bed right about now.

"Did your hunt go well?" Pyrrha came in, sweaty from a workout, or perhaps splashed by Nora, it was hard to tell.

Ruby shook her head. Her hunts never did. They were pretty pointless really, and she only did them because she didn't want to sit still. "Where's Jaune?"

"Training." Pyrrha frowned a bit, "Or trying to. He agreed to take it easy, but I guess to him that means not working out all the time."

Ruby smiled a little. Sounded like him. As weak as he was right now, he was still doing his best. Her mother had been like that too, at least from what her dad had told her. Always trying to improve, always training, always eager for the next mission. She was powerful, invincible, a hero in every sense of the word. And she still was.

Only now she was dead. And somehow that stuck out to Ruby more these days. This was why she didn't sit around for too long. So things like this wouldn't come up.

"You alright, Ruby?"

Ruby wiped her eye. "Yeah, I'm good. I'm about to go back out, actually." Ruby nearly got up, but Pyrrha stopped her by grabbing her hand.

"I said you could talk to me, if something was wrong."

"Its nothing, Pyrrha."

It didn't look like Pyrrha believed her, not with how straight her face remained. "Okay, then relax for the rest of today. We'll go tomorrow."

"Pyrrha…"

"Its better for you to have all your energy anyway, isn't it? Sit down for the rest of today. We'll have all day tomorrow."

Unless the Grimm come and kill us in our sleep. Did no one think about that? There were Grimm that could manipulate their emotions. Who knew what else they could do, or what kind of disturbing, horrifying types of Grimm there were out there. Grimm more than powerful enough to kill her and her friends. More than powerful enough to kill her mother too, most likely.

Ruby closed her eyes and let out a breath. "Okay, fine."

Pyrrha smiled at her and jumped up, her hand still in hers. "Lovely. Then come on, let's go see the others."

Ruby would have said no, but being alone in the cave wouldn't keep her thoughts at bay. But splashing in the water with Nora and Ren might. And when she saw that the others had joined, Weiss yapping at them to act like adults, only to be pushed into the water and retaliate herself, she found herself brightening a little. It lasted for a while, laughing, kicking water, slipping around like they were playing in a pool at a waterpark. It almost felt like that.

Almost.

~x~

"Blaaack the Beeaast desceends from SHAAADOWS!" Nora screamed into the night.

She had a singing voice that was at both times dragging metal and a squawking crow with laryngitis. Objectively horrible. Cosmically nightmarish. And yet as Ruby watched her stand atop the waterfall, arms spread wide like she was preaching gospel and singing her heart out, she could help but laugh a little.

Everyone was, and it was a strange thing to see. Moments of levity were rare, even after they'd found this little sanctuary. Always seemed like something was wrong, or something had gone unsaid. Now, it was like the cards had all been laid out, and everyone could see them. Well, everyone but Ruby had laid out their cards.

But she didn't need to. She was fine.

"They made up?" Ruby asked Pyrrha, who sat next to her, twirling her hair.

"The moment we got back." Pyrrha said, "Jaune probably said he was sorry a hundred times, you know how he is."

Ruby stared at them. They weren't sitting close anymore, almost half an arm's length apart, but Jaune and Yang almost seemed like the things that happened between them had never happened. More than likely, they were both just pretending. Its what you had to do. You never just got over something with your friend and never feel animosity again, even she knew that. There were plenty of arguments she had with her sister that she'd find herself angry about from time to time. But like her father said, forgiveness can't happen through forgetting. They couldn't exist together.

Was it okay to be angry then, at the things you couldn't control? A friend's mistake? Your unrequited feelings? A parent's aban—A parent's death?

What if the anger was too much? What did you do then?

Ruby shook her head. Bad thoughts, nothing but bad. "What about you and Jaune?"

Pyrrha deflated a little, but then shrugged one shoulder. "I'm… waiting on him."

Ruby quirked an eyebrow. "Because...?"

"I don't think he's ready to talk to me. I tried what I could, but I was only making him more upset." Pyrrha held her hands out to the fire, "When he's ready to talk to me, he will. Or maybe he won't."

"And you'll be okay with that?"

"I'll have to be."

Ruby stared over at Jaune. Seeing him look so happy in the moment, even if he might be faking some of it, made it all seem so unnatural. Did Jaune really hate Pyrrha that much? How was Jaune capable of feeling that? He never seemed like he was. Even after what happened between them, he never said he hated her.

But maybe he'd been lying, to everyone else, and to himself. Maybe Pyrrha's mistake was too much, maybe he was too angry. He could never forget it. And if it hurt him that deep, why would he forgive Pyrrha? Why should Ruby forgive her mother?

She patted her cheeks. Wrong thoughts. Her mother did nothing wrong. She was a Huntress and a Hero, she had a responsibility to protect the people. Just like she has a responsibility to raise her children? But where was she now? Dad had done fine on his own. He crawled out of his depression, he got better, and now Ruby and Yang were happy. Sure they missed her from time to time, but that wasn't enough reason to hate her. Was it?

"Ruby!"

Pyrrha jostled her, and Ruby whipped around to look at her, eyes stinging. "Huh?"

"Your lip."

Ruby touched her bottom lip, felt a sting, then pulled it away, a spot of blood on her finger. Her jaw ached somehow. Had she bit herself again? That was humiliating. She wiped the blood away.

Pyrrha stared at her, and Ruby did her best not to give her the attention or address the topic, hoping she'd drop it. She should have known better. "Let me guess, "it's nothing?"

Ruby nodded, and offered no further comment on it. She was fine. Completely and absolutely.

Tomorrow couldn't come faster.

~x~

"B-Brave!"

Red sparks came to life, a surge of energy bleeding around, and notably, out of him. At a rate he wasn't used to. No time to waste them.

He barreled into the nearest tree, heard a loud, groaning snap, his arms stabbed right through the truck, knuckles poking just barely out of the other side. He tried to pull back out, but was stuck. Alright, fucker. Jaune called on more aura, the hole in the tank grew wider, the power spiraled like a fast-draining sink. Lightning jumped off his skin, rapidly heating up his body, and he jerked his arm again and again, struggling to get it out. Come on! Jaune roared, thrust as much power into it as he could…

… and he was tumbling off in the grass. A second later a loud thoom rocked the ground, birds cawing as they flew off, leaves jumping out of the felled tree.

Jaune would have grinned, but unfortunately, his arm was laced with cuts and splinters. His aura hadn't protected him. Or rather, he wasn't protecting himself subconsciously like normal. And my power output was pathetic. In Brave mode. He was a damn disgrace.

But thankfully, not for long. He was almost there. He was almost at full power again. A weak perhaps, maybe half the time if he was lucky.

He would have given it another go, pushed himself just that extra bit more. But he didn't need the others getting on him about it. He was lucky they were letting him do this—and he'd put them through enough.

Jaune flexed his fingers. "Not again." This time when he was back to normal, he wouldn't falter again. He'd stay in control. Things between him and Ren and Yang were good now. Still a little awkward sometimes, but not as bad as they were. Everything else would soon follow. There was nothing to be worried about.

… except Pyrrha.

She'd stopped talking to him. Good. That was all he'd wanted. That was what he wanted, right?

He grimaced, knowing it wasn't completely true. Some part of him wanted her. The part that still yearned for his partner, his Pyrrha, the one that had never been real. It made him feel sick, like a clingy ex-boyfriend, dumped and cheated on and left on the side of the road for the carrion. Even after a year, she still had such incredible gravitas over him that it twisted the emotions that made him want to kiss her into wanting to hit her.

But as long as she stayed away, he'd be fine. He just wouldn't deal with her. Wouldn't even acknowledge her. That'd work out perfectly for the next two years. Stuck with her. Sometimes alone, forced to work together, having to talk to her… god damn it.

I could kill myself, save myself the hell. But Jaune didn't think he was quite that desperate yet. And he dreaded the day it ever got there. He'd thought about it plenty, back when Ozpin had met with him after he woke from his coma.

"I'm a murderer?"

"No, Mister Arc. You did what you had to, as a Huntsman. No one is blaming you."

He was blaming himself. He knew he never should have attacked that first robber, he'd had no clue he had aura. Some part of him was so sure he wouldn't have taken the risk though. Part of his first year classes was learning the importance of restraint and control when around citizens. A person with aura had to move between two different states of strength so they didn't become threats in normal society. So why? What had convinced him to attack that man with such… unnecessity?

"I heard you're suffering from delusions. That's what your doctors told me. Psychosis, I believe its called."

"... yes."

"Auditory? Visual?"

"Both."

It made sense, the way Ozpin put it. He'd lost his mind in that moment. He'd seen a threat and attacked, and even if he'd saved a lot of people, it didn't make his actions any less irresponsible. It made him wonder why he told his friends. Sure, they treated him normally still, but who knew what they were thinking? He's crazy. Do we even want to be around him? He's acting just like…

"This incident is behind us, Mister Arc. Yes? I trust you'll keep this to yourself, I doubt you need to be in any more trouble. You have an image to maintain, don't you?"

"Yes, sir."

Jaune remembered Ozpin putting a hand on his shoulder, he remembered almost leaning into him, wanting to be hugged. Wanting his mom and dad. Wanting to go home. "It was an unfortunate, tragic incident. Best left in the past, yes Mister Arc?"

Jaune nodded to himself. There'd been no other way to respond at the time. If information like that got out, it'd ruin him. There were already some that had spoken out about what happened, mostly about the boy's death. And, however much he hated it, the claims against him were easily dismissed since the groups were generally considered problematic and extreme. People with hate-boners for the Huntsmen and nothing more. Only now they had a story to capitalize on.

But, Ozpin said things would be okay, and they were. Not so much with himself, but the Champion was alive and well. That's what mattered.

That's what mattered…

Jaune looked at his hand. The image of the man he'd killed, how he'd punched straight through his chest with more force than he'd ever needed to use. It just didn't sound right. But Ozpin said it was what happened, and Jaune couldn't trust himself when he could barely tell what was real when he was stressed. He'd been stressed in the moment, yes, but… him? Kill a person? That easily?

Jaune took a shaky breath. In and out. In, then out. Calm. Keep calm. He didn't like that Ozpin was covering up Leo's death. His failure to protect him. But it was what the Headmaster decided was right and who knew better than him? Best to leave it in the past, like he said.

But as Jaune got up and walked back to the camp, he could stop looking at his hands, flexing his fingers again, trying to get a feel for those memories again. They made sense, there was no doubt. He remembered them clearly. At least he thought so. Just some things didn't make sense. Okay, maybe he hadn't been thinking and gone too far with the first robber, fine.

But the others? The rest that he'd killed in front of all those witnesses? Why did he do that?

And why was it not on the news?

If it wasn't already obvious, I love exploring mental illnesses, their causes, and the symptoms behind them. I love it because I have a mental illness myself. Psychosis in particular is interesting to me and that's what I was exploring with Pyrrha in TA and now here with Jaune in RA. I do take some creative liberties. It usually takes longer for diagnoses to be made, and psychology is a very loose science with tons of legroom and guesswork. No one's mental illness is exactly the same, which again, is simply fascinating to me.

I'm sorry if you don't like these aspects, I can admit to them feeling a little out of place and self-insert-ish, but well, can't go back on it now.

I also appreciate all the criticisms people were making about the edginess of this story, even with the reveals made in this chapter, I still think I could have handled the more over the top moments with more care and tact and I'll try to be more conscious of that going into this next arc.

Thanks for reading and see you next time.

ISA