L

"Never seen you work so many hours. Not sure I've seen you sweat so much either," Dad says as I bring my bone-tired body through the door just before seven at night.

I've channeled all my energy into fixing fences, replacing boards in the barn, and re-siding the house. Summer is my time to get this stuff done. It keeps my mind from going to places like Jennie kissing some guy named Noah half a world away.

Ignoring him, I toe off my boots and wipe my brow while taking the steps up to my bathroom—the same damn steps that hold memories of Jennie naked on them.

"Is this about the girl? Jennie? She still finding herself?"

I shake my head. "It's just work that needs to be done before school starts this fall."

"You were showing me pictures of her every day, but two weeks ago you stopped showing me pictures and you've been grumpy as hell since then. I'm old, not stupid. It's about the girl."

Yeah, it's about the girl—the way the sun feels on my skin, the whisper of the breeze when I'm on Snare, the reflection of the full moon, the air in my lungs, the rhythm of my heart … it's all about the girl.

After I shower and eat dinner in silence and under the relentless scrutiny of my dad's curious glances, I clean up and put him to bed before making my nightly trip outside to lie on the mattress in the back of Alice. I leave the doors open to welcome the breeze, a breeze I want to think kissed Jennie's skin and whispered through her long hair. Basically, I do anything to connect us.

It's been two weeks since Jennie messaged me. Two weeks since she kissed Noah. Two weeks since she told me not to respond right away. I don't know what the time frame is on responding to that, especially when I don't know what to say. The world is filled with men who can offer her a life I can't even begin to give her.

She'll come back. This I know. Her home will always be Colorado, but I don't believe she will truly come back to me. Don't sweat it, everything is temporary. I'm temporary, but Jennie could never be temporary.

As if she knows I'm thinking about her, my phone chimes with the first text since the Noah text.

Jennie: Hi. Remember me?

I take a deep breath. Maybe I need to let her go. Maybe she's looking for permission to let go. If only it were that easy.

Lisa: Hi. I'm pretty sure you're still my greatest memory.

Jennie: How's your dad?

Lisa: Nosey.

Jennie: I landed in Madagascar. I'm going in search of lemurs tomorrow.

Lisa: I landed on a pile of hay when I fell off the roof of the barn today. I'm going in search of my lost watch tomorrow.

Jennie: Seriously? OMG did you get hurt?

My heart hurts too fucking bad to feel anything but the pain of missing Jennie.

Lisa: I'm fine.

Jennie: Listening to The Fray "Never Say Never"

Fuck …

Lisa: Colony House "This Beautiful Life"

Jennie: Someday … I'm coming back to you.

I stare at her words, then I play "This Beautiful Life" on my phone at full volume.

Jennie: Lisa?

After a few blinks, I put this song on repeat and set it on the seat next to me. "What are we doing?" I whisper, closing my eyes.

Jennie spends July in South Africa. Juni and Zach meet up with her in Cape Town. She posts pictures on Instagram, including one of everyone on the beach—three other couples I've never seen and a guy standing next to Jennie with his arm draped over her shoulder.

She looks incredible. She looks … happy.

To end the month on a real high, my dad finds out his cancer is progressing again. We have our usual argument over treatment. He says no. I say yes and threaten to call Jisoo. I win until I get home and find him writing a suicide note. That makes the fourth time since the accident. At least this time, I catch him before he does anything more than write a note.

We fight.

He cries for me and my 'wasted life.'

I cry for him and his 'wasted life.'

We fight some more, and he gets high and passes out. I contemplate getting drunk for the first time since the night he tried to carry my wasted ass down those marble stairs. Instead, I give in to a very weak moment, and I call Jennie. I have no clue how much it will cost to call her, but I don't care at the moment. I can't FaceTime her and let her see me like this, but I'm certain if I don't hear her voice, I could take my own life.

"Lisa?" she answers in a groggy voice.

I always forget there's a huge time difference.

Choking on emotions that feel like razor blades in my throat, I let her voice cover my skin, sinking into my desperate soul.

"Lisa?" Her voice gets a little stronger as she clears her throat.

Falling back on my bed, I press the phone to my ear with one hand and cover my heart with my other hand. "Hi."

I should probably start with Sorry I've been a selfish, jealous dick ignoring your texts and attempts to FaceTime me for a whole month, but all I can manage to get out is 'hi.'

Long moments pass with painful silence. This isn't Jennie and Lisa. This is just fucking torture.

"Tell me to come home," she whispers as if she knows I'm ready to break.

Come home. I have nothing to give you except me. Just please … come home.

Closing my eyes to suppress a new round of tears, I pinch the bridge of my nose. Today … hell, this whole month has kicked my ass physically and emotionally. I'm so fucking tired.

"It was a kiss. That's all. And I didn't tell you to hurt you. I told you because I don't want anything between us."

Except miles of ocean, hours of time, months of separation, and so much pain. Jennie can be anything, do anything, live an extraordinary life. If I love her, I'll let her go. I know what I have to do, I just don't know what happens after it's done, after we're done. The love doesn't just vanish.

What do I do with these emotions I have for her?

"You knew … you knew we were temporary even when I didn't want to believe it."

"Lisa," she says my name with caution and uncertainty. "Jesus … there's someone else."

I shake my head. How could she think that? It takes everything I have to not correct her assumption. If I say no, she'll know something else is wrong, and she'll come home to me.

Me—the woman who has nothing to offer her.

If I say yes, I'll break her heart. But hearts mend. Maybe not my mom's heart, but Jennie is stronger than my mom was. Hers will mend, probably without a single scar.

"I should go."

"Go? Are you kidding me?" Anger builds with each one of her words, slashing my chest, cutting me open. "You woke me up after not responding to me for over a month, just to tell me that you've found someone else? No. That's not okay. You owe me more than a fucking phone call. You—"

My face distorts as I fight the pent-up emotions, shaking from my silent sobs as she lets me hear her pain with a choking cry.

"I'm sorry," I manage to let two words slip past my swollen throat, letting them slip off my idle tongue that wants to tell her the truth, but the truth would not set her free, and Jennie Kim needs to fly. She needs to be free.

No matter where I am on this earth, I'm loving you … forever.

"I hate you."

Hate me. But this time, hate me more than you love me. Then … let me go.

Jennie lives with such passion. I used to think it was her youth, but it's not. She's going to say what she means no matter what. When she's eighty, I'm certain she will live her life with an uncensored tongue.

"You're going to be fine."

She laughs out a sob. "Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

The line goes dead.