AN: Thanks again for reading and reviewing!

"Dyad's Blessing, Dyad's Curse"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 13

Ben had never been good at meditation, yet here he was sitting cross-legged on the beach, focusing on taking long, extended breaths, seeking . . . what? Peace? No, peace was obviously out of the question. Wisdom? He shuddered – maybe wisdom would get him to wake up, the thought of which made his stomach churn.

Maybe the only thing he was seeking was an excuse to get away from his family's pressuring him to wake up.

He listened to the waves lapping the shore, felt the warmth of the sun on his face, let his mind wander into distant memories. Han teaching him how to fly the Falcon. Playing with his cousins at Naboo's lake country. Leia telling him stories about Alderaan. Yet no matter how happy a day was, it always led to a night where the unnamed terrors would come.

Ironic, he used to be afraid of sleeping and yet now he wanted to stay asleep.

"Ben?"

He knew he was supposed to ignore distractions during meditation, but that voice made his eyes shoot open like they'd been programmed to do so.

There was Han, sitting across from him on the sand, leaning to one side with his knee sticking up, the sun illuminating his gray hair.

"Are my grandparents still here?" Ben asked.

"Yeah," said Han. "So's Luke, but they're all gonna wait till you wanna talk to them again."

Ben gulped, staring at his father's chest, his mind's eye seeing the flaming lightsaber shoot through his heart. Without thinking, he placed his hand on Han's chest, feeling the strong, solid, muscular chest through his shirt. There was no hole in his flesh.

But something else was missing too.

"You don't have a heartbeat!" Ben gasped.

Han gave a slight shrug. "Well, I'm dead, ain't I?"

It was the first time Ben had heard one of his dead family members actually refer to themselves as dead. "What was it like?" he asked in a hushed voice. "Dying?"

Han shrugged again, gazing downward, his finger absently poking holes in the sand. "Dunno. I think I passed out before it actually happened. One minute I'm fallin' down that shaft, next thing I know I'm waking up and your grandparents are greetin' me."

"Anakin and Padme greeted you when you died?"

"No, your other grandparents." There was a slight smile on his face. "My parents."

Ben felt like kicking himself. Did he really forget that he had two sets of grandparents (well, actually three sets, since his mother also had her adopted parents)? Then again, he hadn't known any of his grandparents growing up and the voice he'd thought was his grandfather had turned out to be a lie. "Are they coming here too?"

"Do you want them to?"

Did he? He remembered playing with Han's lucky dice when he was little, Han telling him about how they had belonged to his father and how they were the only tangible remnant of his parents left. Where were those dice now? The dice he'd picked up on Crait had been a mere Force-projection, so did that mean the real ones were on the Falcon?

He hoped so.

"How could I face them?" he found himself saying as he choked back a sob. "I killed their son!"

For a moment he was back in Snoke's throne room, kneeling before the Supreme Leader, Snoke taunting him by calling him "young Solo."

"You're still their grandson," said Han.

"Yeah," Ben snarled, "and Luke's still your brother-in-law, but you haven't forgiven him for trying to kill your son!"

"That's different," Han insisted, a sudden hardness in his voice. "Luke made a choice there."

"And what I did wasn't my choice?"

"Snoke . . . Palpatine . . ."

Ben raised his hand. "Don't. Just don't. I could have walked away with you, but I chose not to. Snoke and Palpatine might have been whispering in my ear since childhood, Luke might have invaded my mind, but in the end I was the one who made the choice to ignite the lightsaber." He let out a sigh. "People keep acting like I was just some poor brainwashed puppet, like hearing voices all my life excuses everything I did – well I wasn't! I made choices! Choices that hurt people, drove people away, killed people!" His hands were trembling as they dropped into his lap.

"Maybe if you talk to some of the people you hurt . . ."

"And tell them what? 'I'm sorry I tortured you'? 'I'm sorry I killed your loved ones'? You heard Grandfather – sorry doesn't fix anything! Luke's sorry as hell for what he did, and yet neither of us can stand to look at him!"

Han looked like he had been punched in the gut. His wrinkled face scrunched up, making him look even older and wearier than before. "You're right. Sorry doesn't always cut it, but it's a place to start."

"Then maybe you should try to start again with Luke."

He hadn't meant to say it – he didn't even know why he said it. Maybe because he felt responsible for destroying Han and Luke's friendship, maybe because he missed the days when they were all a happy family, but whatever the reason, the words were out and Han was flinching.

"So you're sayin' you want me to forgive him even after you told him off like that?"

"I don't know," Ben admitted, "but I remember how you and he laughed and joked together, took me on outings together, always had each other's backs. I don't want that gone forever, even with . . ."

He couldn't finish. Again he saw the green blade in his mind's eye, the choice Luke had made. Even knowing that Luke had gotten control of himself, even knowing the intensity of Luke's remorse, he couldn't keep himself from tensing up when he remembered that night.

"Maybe you're right," Han mumbled, looking at his fingers. "I just wish . . . things were different. I wish our family hadn't fallen apart. I wish I hadn't caved to send you away."

"It wasn't your fault."

Han let out a humorous laugh. "Yeah, and Luke totally would've flown over just to stalk you in your sleep if we hadn't sent you to him."

Stalk him in his sleep. It made Luke sound so sinister, but that was what he did, wasn't it?

"Maybe I should've gone with you," Han said, a distant look in his eyes. "I could've talked Luke outta it."

"Why are you so fixated on Luke?" Ben exclaimed. "You think I never would have turned to the dark side if that night had never happened? I told you – Kylo Ren existed long before that. If Luke didn't bring him out, something else probably would have."

Now there were tears brimming Han's eyes. "It wasn't hopeless, kid." Was he trying to convince Ben or himself? "C'mon, you were just talkin' about choices, weren't you?"

"Well . . . yes . . . but . . ." A long sigh escaped. "I chose long ago to listen to the voices and believe what they said."

"You were just a kid."

"Kids aren't automatons. I could have gone to you and Mom, I could have told you everything, but I didn't."

"You were scared . . ."

"Stop making excuses!" Ben snapped.

"Well what do you want me to do? You're angry at Luke for bringing out Kylo Ren or whatever, but you're also insisting that everything you did was your choice! Well, which is it? Did you make your own choices or not?"

"It's complicated."

"What do you want, son?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

With those words, father and son just stared at each other, Ben's breath shaking, Han's eyes welling. Several moments passed before Han leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his son and squeezing him close to him. Ben wanted to say something, but hearing his father sob silenced him, only granting him enough energy to hug Han back.