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Trigger Warning - panic attacks

Chapter 11 Just Breathe

The next day Regina found it just as hard to get her day started. She wanted nothing more than to just stay in bed and sleep. Sometimes she just wanted to let the depression swallow her up. If it wasn't for Emma and Henry, she probably would have. As she got ready and left for campus she could see Emma's growing concern. She knew she was acting off again. She knew she was being sullen and moody this morning as well as yesterday. She just couldn't shake off the dark cloud that had fallen over her.

Her work day went as smooth as ever. James didn't show up. She wasn't expecting him to. She had a meeting scheduled with him in a few days. Currently, she had just finished her afternoon class and was now in her office hours before she was able to go home. Ruby had gone to get something to eat and was actually coming back for some tutoring. She was actually impressed by the young waitress. Ruby showed a great interest in politics and political science. She could see her actually getting a job in city hall one day instead of working at her granny's diner. She was also the only student to ever get an A in her class and keep it going into finals. She worked so hard and earned that A. She was proud of the young woman that had become a trusted family friend.

She was so lost in her thoughts as she graded the quizzes, that she nearly jumped out of her seat at his voice. Albert Spencer walked through the door, his eyes fixated on her.

"We need to talk." His voice was authoritative and she shuddered at the likeness he shared with her ex husband.

She looked up at him, desperately trying not to show her fear. She clenched her shaking hands under her desk as he approached her. She stood, looking every bit the tough Professor Mills that everyone was intimidated by.

"I imagine we do," she said. "But your nephew is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions." He came into her personal space and as uncomfortable as she felt, she didn't back down. She faced him head on.

"What about taking responsibility for your own actions instead of throwing him under the bus. He says you've been singling him out just because he's my nephew."

"Your brain must be crushed by your enormously huge ego if you think for a second this is about you. Your nephew is entitled to think he can get away with acting like a child to get what he wants. He doesn't show up and when he does, he's never on time. He is disrespectful and

disruptive to me and the rest of the class. This isn't about singling him out. It's about him wasting my time."

His face turned red and she gasped as he suddenly stepped forward so her back was pressed up against the desk. He was trying to intimidate her. He had seen her submissive under Leopold's hand and he was trying to force her to submit to his will. "Call off the meeting and allow him to come back."

"Absolutely not," she growled, eyes blazing. "Now step back!"

He smirked at those words, feeding off of the sudden fear in her eyes. She was trembling, quickly losing her tough facade the longer he was in her personal space. He suddenly grabbed her arm, knowing exactly what will push her over the edge. She let out a fearful gasp and tried pulling away from him. He tightened his grip until he could see the pain in her eyes.

"You don't intimidate me." His voice was dangerously low. It reminded her too much of Leopold and she could no longer hide her fear. The grip on her arm was tight and painful which worsened each time she tried to pull away. "So we'll go ahead and have this little meeting. Go ahead and have your little "power trip tantrum" as Leopold used to call it. You may have everyone fooled, but I know you deserved everything he gave to you. Once James is back in your class and passing with an A, I'll have your job too."

"Hey! Let her go!" Ruby was suddenly running over and forcefully pulling him away. He let go of her arm and straightened his suit.

"See you at the meeting," he smirked at her as she trembled against the desk. Ruby slipped in front of her, challenging him to try anything else.

"Leave or I'm calling security," she threatened. He just ignored her and looked over at Regina.

"Oh and uh, I'll give your best to Leopold the next time I talk to him," he chuckled cruelly before leaving the room. The moment he was gone, Regina nearly collapsed if it wasn't for Ruby pushing her back into her chair. She was shaking and couldn't catch her breath.

"Dr. Mills?" Ruby's voice sounded so far and her vision was suddenly blurred. She couldn't ground herself. She couldn't move. She hadn't even realized tears were streaming down her cheeks. "I think you're having a panic attack. I need you to breathe!"

Ruby tried reaching out to comfort her, but Regina flinched back as if she thought she was going to hurt her. "OK, I'm sorry," the younger woman said softly, her own eyes shining with unshed tears. "I need you to breathe, please!"

"I can't…" Regina gasped, her lungs burning. Her heart was racing so fast in her chest.

Ruby didn't know what else to do so she called Emma. She was trying not to panic herself as the sheriff answered.

"Hey, Ruby is everything ok?" Emma's voice sounded through the phone.

"Emma!" she cried. "Get to campus right away! Spencer confronted Regina and had a grip on her arm. She's having a panic attack. She can't breathe. I don't know how to calm her down."

"That son of a bitch!" Emma shouted. She could hear the sound of a car door being slammed and the engine turning on. "Put the phone on speaker." Ruby pushed the speaker button and held it out to her professor.

"Regina! Can you hear me?"

"Emma?" she gasped.

"Yes, baby it's me. Listen to me, you're safe. He's not going to hurt you. I'm on my way, but I need you to breathe."

"I can't…" she gasped.

"Yes, you can," Emma encouraged. "Let's answer the questions."

"Who are you with?"

"Ruby…"

"That's right?"

"Do you trust her? Does she make you feel safe?"

"Yes…"

"How do I make you feel?"

"Safe…"

"That's right, you're safe," Emma's voice shook. "Keep telling yourself that. I'm almost there."

"You're ok," Ruby whispered, wanting to comfort her somehow but she could see any kind of touch wasn't wanted right now. "Deep breaths."

"Ruby, I'm pulling into the parking lot. I'm hanging up."

"Hurry Emma, her color isn't looking so good." The phone hung up and Ruby could only comfort the trembling woman. Her breaths were quick and she was looking ashened. "Breathe," she whispered, slowly taking her hand and was relieved when she didn't flinch away this time. She placed her hand on her chest. "Follow my breathing."

Regina took slow breaths, trying to follow Ruby's rhythm. It was nearly impossible when it felt like she had a heavy weight on her chest. "Where is he?" she trembled, her eyes looking around in fear, the feeling of him coming back intensifying.

"He's gone," Ruby assured her. "He's not coming back. You're safe, remember?"

She didn't look convinced and her breathing was speeding up again. Thankfully at that moment Emma was rushing in. She was by her side in a second and kneeling in front of her. She took the hand that Ruby was holding, pressing a kiss to it and holding it against her chest.

"I'm here, love," she said softly. "Slow your breathing."

"She was just starting to panic again about Spencer coming back," Ruby informed her worriedly. "Should I call an ambulance?"

"I want to try and calm her first. Can you bring her some water?"

"On it," she said and was rushing out of the room. Once they were alone Emma looked up into those fearful brown eyes.

"You're doing great, that's it, slow breaths," she encouraged her. "You're safe. I'm here. He's not coming back."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, sobs suddenly racking her trembling body. Her breaths were getting no better at this point and Emma thought they might have to get her to ER after all and on some oxygen. She had a feeling calling an ambulance might make her panic even more.

"No, no. Don't apologize," Emma said softly, reaching up to caress her cheek. Regina leaned into the touch. "It's not your fault. Focus on your breathing, babe."

Ruby rushed back in with a water bottle from the vending machine. "How is she doing?" she asked, handing it to Emma. She opened it and encouraged Regina to take a drink.

"I think I'm going to take her in. She can't regulate her breaths on her own."

"Can I help?"

"Of course," Emma said, relieved that she had someone to help her. She then turned her attention back to the shaking brunette in front of her. "Regina, we're going to get you to the hospital. Can you stand?"

"I don't know…" she gasped. "I feel like... I'm numb... and I feel cold."

"Ok, we'll help you," she assured her, getting up and standing at her side. Ruby came over to her other side. "Come on, let's get you up." They pulled her to her feet and the moment she was standing, she started to pass out. She swayed, her color deathly pale and Emma wasted no time in picking her up. Emma felt her body go limp in her arms.

"Did she pass out?" Ruby asked, her voice panicked.

"Shit!" Emma cursed. "She did! Grab the keys from my pocket. The cruiser is parked in the student parking lot. You'll see it right away. Open the back door, I'll be right behind you."

Ruby quickly did as she was told. She grabbed the keys from Emma's pocket with shaking hands and rushed out. Emma was a few feet behind and soon enough they were in the police cruiser and rushing to the hospital. Emma had the sirens on and was able to get through the traffic quickly. Ruby had called ahead to inform the ER they were coming so by the time Emma pulled into the ambulance bay, there was a doctor and several nurses waiting with a stretcher. Emma was quick to stop the car. She rushed out to help them get Regina out onto the stretcher.

"We tried waking her on the way. She's breathing, but it's shallow," Emma explained as the nurses and doctor assessed the unconscious woman. That traded medical words back and forth and was quickly rushing her inside. An oxygen mask was placed on her face.

"Emma, go with her. I'll park the car," Ruby offered, getting into the driver's seat. Emma thanked her and followed her girlfriend through the doors.

Emma stayed with her until she couldn't. She paced in the waiting room, her own hands trembling as she worried whether Regina was going to be ok or not. Ruby had joined her soon after and was sitting on one of the chairs and nervously biting her lip. For the first time, Emma felt helpless. She wasn't able to pull Regina out of an attack like she always had in the past. She couldn't get those fearful eyes out of her head or the way those rapid breaths increased instead of regulating. She couldn't shake the feeling of Regina's body going limp in her arms.

Anger raged through her as she was suddenly reminded of Spencer. That fucking asshole! The moment she knew Regina was ok she was writing a report and getting a restraining order in place. She also planned to talk to the dean in not allowing Spencer to be present for their meeting with James.

After what seemed like forever, the doctor finally came out. To her relief it was Dr. Roe, the same doctor that had treated her in the past.

"Sheriff Swan, Regina is awake and asking for you," she said softly, her eyes full of compassion for the worried blonde.

"How is she?"

"She's ok. Just exhausted."

"Can I see her?" Emma let out a sigh of relief.

"Of course, although I would have to call and speak to Dr. Hopper. This isn't her first panic attack, is it?"

"No, but usually I'm able to calm her down. This was the first time it escalated."

"I'm going to create a treatment plan with Dr. Hopper. Meanwhile, you can go and see her. I'll be in soon to speak with her and then she could go home."

"Thank you," she nodded sincerely and once the doctor left, Ruby stood.

"Do you mind if I pop in for a quick sec. I just want to see she's ok."

"Of course Ruby," Emma took her hand and couldn't stop the tears from welling up in her eyes. Her chin trembled and Ruby suddenly just pulled her in her arms.

"She's ok Emma," she whispered, trying to comfort her friend.

"I should have known he was going to pay her a visit. I should've been more cautious," she cried, unable to stop her sobs. "She was so damn scared she couldn't breathe!"

"But we got her here," Ruby assured her. "You heard Dr. Roe. She's going to be ok."

Emma suddenly needed to sit. She felt as if her legs were about to give out at any moment. She took a seat and buried her face in her hands with her elbows on her knees. Seeing Regina so anxious these past weeks worried her to no end. Suddenly she felt like all the stress was crashing down on her.

"Emma?"

She took a deep breath and sat up to look at the concerned young woman in front of her.

"I don't know if I'm doing this right. I don't know if I'm enough for her. She hasn't been doing good since the trial. She is depressed and anxious all the time and I don't know what more to do. I'm scared for her, Ruby."

Ruby sat beside her friend, her eyes brimming with tears. She hated seeing her so distraught.

"You're doing more for her than anyone else can," Ruby whispered. "You love her. You make her feel safe. That's enough for her."

"But what if it's not? What if she needs more than I can give."

"Then we'll see what treatment plan Dr. Hopper and Dr. Roe come up with. You're not in this alone Emma. You've got me too. If you need anything, say the word and I'll come running. Even if you just need me to watch Henry."

"Thank you Ruby," she whispered, her voice cracking as she let the young woman pull her into a comforting hug. She felt some of the tension ease away and suddenly all she wanted was to be with her girlfriend. So she dried her tears, took a breath and pulled herself together before she and Ruby headed over to the room Regina was in.

They found the brunette lying in a bed with wires and an IV attached to her. She had an oxygen mask on as well. Emma was relieved they didn't force her into a hospital gown. She was under a blanket with the clothes she came in with. She opened her eyes to see Emma and Ruby.

"Emma…" she whispered under the mask, sounding out of it and Emma realized they had probably given her some kind of sedative. Her eyes were glazed over and her movements were sluggish as she tried to take off the mask. Emma immediately came over to her side to stop her. She took her hand and squeezed it.

"No, leave it on. It's helping you breathe," she softly, brushing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "You're ok…" Her voice cracked. She couldn't bear to see her like this. It reminded her of the time she was in the hospital with cracked ribs after she had escaped from Leopold.

Ruby watched them with teary eyes and slowly approached them. Regina noticed her and suddenly looked away as if she were embarrassed. She had never meant to put her student in a situation like this whether she was a family friend or not. The young woman seemed to have read her mind.

"Don't be embarrassed. I heard you tell that son of a … I heard you tell him off. You were so brave! He had no right to intimidate you the way he did or grab you." At the reminder of Spencer putting his hand on her, Regina pulled her arm away from Emma and tucked it into herself.

"Can I see?" Emma asked, worried that he might have hurt her. They had been so focused on her breathing they didn't even check the arm he had grabbed. Regina looked fearful for a moment and Emma was quick to assure her. "You're safe, love. I just want to see if he hurt you."

She seemed to hesitate, but then slowly extended her arm. Emma gently took her hand, squeezing her fingers in comfort before slowly pushing up the sleeve of her black blazer. She gasped at the bruises he had left. She could make out the marks from his fingers. It was a little swollen and red as well. She saw red and had to force herself to swallow her anger in order not to scare her. Regina didn't need her freaking out right now. There was time to go after Spencer once her girlfriend was home and safe.

Regina moved the mask with her other hand.

"The more I pulled the tighter his grip became," she mumbled shakily.

"He's not getting away with this," Emma assured her as she positioned her arm on the bed and pulled out her phone to take pictures for her report. "Ruby, I'll need your statement as well. We could do it tomorrow if you're not up for it today."

"No, I can do it today," Ruby responded determinedly. "I'd rather have him pay sooner than later."

"Thank you, for everything," she said, her voice a little shaky as well. The day was taking its toll on her and she had so much paperwork to do now.

"You're welcome," Ruby smiled. "Why don't I go pick up Henry, get him something to eat at the diner and then bring him home. We can write my statement then."

"You're the best!" she sighed in relief. She didn't want to pick up Henry and bring him back here to see his adoptive mother like this and she knew Regina wouldn't want that either.

"Let us know the moment he's with you," Regina whispered, her words slightly slurring.

"Will do," Ruby smiled, reaching out to squeeze Regina's shoulder and after a quick grateful hug from Emma, she left the room. Emma pulled up a chair and sat beside the bed. She took Regina's hand and then reached out to caress her cheek.

"I'm sorry this happened," she said solemnly, her guilt lacing her words. "I'm sorry I couldn't calm you."

"It's not your fault," she murmured. Emma looked less than convinced but Regina was already drifting off. She closed her eyes. "Stay with me, please."

"Sleep," Emma whispered. "You're safe here. I won't leave your side."

Regina was out and Emma stayed by her side as promised. Ruby texted her that she had Henry and she thanked her once more. She also called David and explained the situation. Currently he was putting in the restraining order for Spencer and would be dropping off the report forms for her at the house later.

It had been a couple hours till a nurse had come in to check Regina's vitals and remove the IV. She took off the mask and turned off the oxygen machine. Her breathing was so much better now. The nurse informed her once Regina woke up, she was free to be discharged. Although, Dr. Roe wanted to talk to them in her office first. Emma thanked her and took the discharge forms.

Once they were filled out, she slowly started to rouse Regina awake. She didn't want to disturb her sleep, but she didn't want to leave Henry wondering about them for too long. She figured once they get this meeting over with she can get Regina into their own bed and let her sleep the rest of the day. She kissed her cheek and gently shook her.

"Gina?"

Regina slowly opened her eyes to see Emma. They weren't so glazed anymore. The sedative had worn off a bit. She stretched and looked so adorable Emma couldn't keep the goofy grin from breaking out on her lips.

"What are you grinning at?" she asked, sleepily.

"You're adorable," she chuckled, leaving a chaste kiss on the lips. Regina affectionately rolled her eyes and sat up.

"Is it time to go home?" she asked hopefully, feeling so much better. She no longer felt breathless or on the verge of passing out.

"First we have to see Dr. Roe and Dr. Hopper in her office to discuss a treatment plan," she informed her. Regina looked at her knowingly.

"Yes, I think I remember her mentioning that to me before they drugged me. Everything is a bit fuzzy."

"They just want to help you. They know this wasn't your first panic attack."

"But it's the first I couldn't come out of," she realized, looking down at her hands. "They're getting worse."

"Hey…" she reached out, tilting Regina's chin up so she'd look at her. "We'll get through this."

Regina nodded although she didn't look convinced. They left the room and walked hand in hand to the doctor's office. Regina was nervous, although she didn't show it. She put on a brave face even if she tightly held on to Emma. When they arrived, both Dr. Hopper and Dr. Roe were seated inside. After exchanging pleasantries, they all took a seat at the conference table. Regina and Emma sat beside each other with the two doctors across from them.

"How are you feeling now?" Dr. Roe asked Regina. "If you're exhausted we could reschedule."

"I'm well enough. I just want to get this over with."

"I understand," she nodded. "Dr. Hopper and I created a treatment plan that will help control your panic attacks. It won't be effective all the time. There will still be some that you can't avoid, but we want to at least help you recognize the signs of an oncoming attack or help you with techniques to pull yourself out of one."

"Have they been becoming more frequent since our last session?" Archie asked, softly.

"Yes, they have," she nodded, her hand still squeezing Emma's. "Most of the time I'm able to come out of it, but today…" She shook her head. "I just couldn't."

"And that's understandable considering how it was triggered," Dr. Roe said softly. "There are several things we can do to limit them. Routine, exercise, therapy, and medication."

"You want to put her on meds?" Emma asked, shocked.

"We believe it will help with the anxiety and depression," Archie said gently.

"What if I don't want to take them?"

"Ultimately it's your choice Regina, but it can help. It's an option."

"There's also one more thing," Dr. Roe said carefully. Not beating around the bush, but also gentle in her approach. "We'd like to do a psychological evaluation to assess the PTSD, emotional dissociation, anxiety and depression."

Regina looked taken aback and Emma squeezed her hand in reassurance.

"This isn't any kind of intervention. We're not here to make you feel like you've done something wrong. We just want to help you get better and not let things escalate. To do that, we need to do an evaluation to see where you're at." Archie explained.

Regina's hands started shaking and she pulled away from Emma and buried them in her lap. She cut off eye contact with the doctors. Her gaze was fixed on her hands as she tried to force herself to stop the nervous trembling.

"Regina?" Emma whispered. "Look at me, love."

She seemed to have hesitated at first, but then she slowly looked up at her. Her brown eyes were so lost. Emma swallowed the sob that threatened to come out. "They're not forcing you into anything. They're just giving you options."

Regina took a deep breath, trying to be brave. She tore her gaze from Emma and over to the doctor's watching her with concern.

"I don't want to be on meds. At least not yet," she informed them, her voice shaking. "But I will take the evaluation and concede with the rest of the plan."

"Excellent, and if you change your mind, we will work with you. You're in complete control here," Archie reassured her, knowing how important it was that she felt like she had a say in her recovery.

"Thank you," Regina nodded. "Do we have to do the evaluation now? I'm feeling exhausted."

"No, we will do it at our next appointment. Dr. Roe will join us for it, if that is ok with you."

Regina nodded her consent.

"For now, go home and rest," Dr. Roe instructed her.