"Knock knock."
Jay rolled over in bed to see the familiar figure of Dr. Charles standing in the doorway.
"Can I come in?" He asked, waiting for a reply.
Jay contemplated not giving him one, but then remembered the advice the nurse had shared last night. "You have to talk. It's the only way out." He told himself. Then he nodded to the doctor as he pushed himself into a seated position on the bed.
"How did you sleep?" Dr. Charles asked, pulling up a chair beside Jay's bed.
Jay shrugged, then laughed. "I was supposed to sleep?"
This got a smile from the doctor as well. "Typically, we do recommend that." He replied. "But I understand how that can be hard to do. You're in a different environment..."
"I've been in the hospital for a few days." Jay reminded him.
"Well, yes. But You're in a different area..."
"Without my brother." There was a coldness in his tone that was not lost on the experienced psychiatrist.
"Is that what's bothering you?" He asked. "Are you missing him?"
"I'm a grown man." Jay pointed out.
Dr. Charles just stared at him, as if he were waiting for there to be more to the sentence.
There wasn't.
"Buddy, just because you're an adult doesn't mean you don't need support. We all want to have people we love close to us when we're scared."
"I'm not..." Jay's voice trailed off.
"You're not what? Scared?"
Jay dropped his head in shame. He was scared. He was scared of the hospital in general. He was scared of what Dr. Charles would make him talk about. He was scared of his own mind and what it would do if he fully lost control. This wasn't his world. This was Will's world. And just like Will wouldn't walk into a police station without Jay, Jay would never go in a hospital without Will to bridge the gap.
"Can I see my brother?" He asked.
Dr. Charles gave him a sympathetic smile. "Eventually, but I think it's important that you and I talk first."
"What do you want to talk about?"
"Well, let's start with why you're here."
"Because I shot my friend and beat up my partner by accident." He chuckled a little at his own bluntness.
"And why did that happen?"
"Because I had a flashback."
"Can you explain to me what a flashback is?"
Jay cocked his head to the side. "Haven't we covered this?"
"Sort of." Dr. Charles replied. "You've told me about your time in the military, and you mentioned that you thought you were in Afghanistan when you heard the car backfire. And that's why you shot Adam and hit Hailey."
"Yeah, that's pretty much it." Jay said nonchalantly.
"I understand how it may seem like that's all there is to it to you." Dr. Charles began. "But you see, I'm not in your head. I can't see what you see during a flashback. I can't feel what you feel when you hear a car backfire. What did you think the car backfire was?"
"I don't know. A gun?" Jay shrugged.
"Uh huh... but don't you hear guns everyday at work. Don't you shoot a gun and get shot at?"
"Yeah, but that's different." Jay argued.
"How so?"
"It just is."
"Have you ever had a flashback at work because of a gun?"
Jay hesitated for the first time in the argument. "Once" he admitted.
"Tell me more." Dr. Charles prompted.
Jay sighed. "It was a case I got too invested in. I was undercover and met a guy that was in the military and we had a lot of similar experiences. I can't really talk about details, but he was shot and when I was trying to help him Hailey came up behind me and I pointed the gun at her. I snapped out of it before I did anything though. I went to therapy and everything was fine."
"Do you remember when it was that you were triggered in that situation?"
Jay thought for a moment. "I think after the guy got shot. I thought we were back at war, and I was trying to save someone in my unit..."
"Hmm..." Dr. Charles leaned in to show interest. "You thought he was in your unit in Afghanistan?"
"I mean, I guess." Jay shrugged. "But I try to save anyone that gets shot when I'm on a case. That's part of my job as a detective too."
"That's true." Dr. Charles agreed. "But you don't usually get triggered by it?"
"No, not usually."
"Do you think that you had formed a bond with this guy that was similar to the bond you had with the people in your unit?" He asked.
"I guess, maybe." Jay replied.
"So, I'm just going to throw an idea out and I want you to tell me what you think about it."
Jay nodded.
"What if that particular flashback had nothing to do with the shooting, and everything to do with the act of you trying to save a fellow soldier?"
Jay sat back against the wall. "That would make sense."
Dr. Charles sat silently while his patient wrestled with this new thought.
After a moment Jay spoke up again. "Dr. Charles..."
The doctor looked at Jay, encouragement in his eyes.
"When the car backfired, it didn't sound like a gun."
"What did it sound like?"
"It sounded like the IED when it blasted our Humvee."
Dr. Charles cocked his head to the side. "Your Humvee hit an IED?"
Jay just nodded and rubbed his face as the memories began to flood back to him.
"My unit was in the lead Humvee. We were just talking and joking around while we made our way through the desert. And then next thing I know there's this loud explosion and everything went dark."
"Were you hurt?"
"Yeah. I woke up to this indescribable pain all through my body. It felt like I was on fire. I found out later that I had 2nd degree burns on almost 50% of my body, so I guess at one point I was on fire. But I wasn't by the time I woke up." Jay's eyes focused in on a piece of skin on his thumb that he had been picking at.
Dr. Charles noticed, but didn't stop him. Instead he asked, "then what happened?"
Jay sighed. "I don't remember everything. It kind of comes in pieces. I remember waking up again a few feet from the Humvee and listening to the cries of the other surviving members of my unit. I got up and ran back to the flames and started calling out for anyone who could hear me."
"What about your burns?"
"They stopped hurting." Jay admitted. "Probably adrenaline. I don't know. I just… I need… need to get all the bodies out before they burn up." He stopped as he noticed his hands shaking.
"Jay," Dr. Charles spoke up. "You're safe. You in Chicago at the hospital. I'm here to help you. Your brother, Will, is working right now in the ED. You're home and you're telling me the story of what happened to you. You aren't in any danger right now. No one is. You don't need to do anything. You're safe."
Jay took a few slow deep breaths, trying to steady himself while staying in the present moment. "I'm home. It's over." He whispered to himself. "It's over?" He looked to the doctor this time.
"It's over." Dr. Charles confirmed. "You're just telling me the story now. Take however long you need, and when you feel ready I would be interested in hearing what happened next. No rush though. Take your time."
Jay nodded and continued to focus on his breathing.
The doctor continued to watch him carefully, only speaking occasionally to remind the young man where he was.
It took about 15 minutes before Jay finally spoke again. "I heard someone yelling in the humvee, and I found my friend Mouse - Greg - stuck under what used to be a seat. At first I didn't understand why he wasn't getting up, but then I realized a piece of metal from the seat was impaled in his thigh. I tried to drag him out with the metal still inside of him, but quickly realized that was impossible. I wasn't a medic, but I knew enough to know not to pull anything out of anyone. I couldn't get him out though, and the fire was starting to pick back up again. If I kept trying to take him with the metal still in him, he'd be burned alive in seconds. So without giving it a second though, I pulled the metal bar out of his thigh and got him as far from the Humvee as we could get. When I put him down I realized he was bleeding way too much. I guess the bar at nicked his femoral artery. I didn't have any supplies. They were all burned or scattered across the desert. So I knelt on his groin, with all my body weight, and stayed like that until help arrived."
"That was good thinking." Dr. Charles praised.
"I don't know if it was good exactly, but it kept him alive. It was awful though. He was in so much pain. He was hitting my back and begging me to get off of him. And then when the medics did get there, they injected something right into it. I don't know what it was, but I've never seen anyone in that kind of pain before. I can still hear his screams to this day."
"That must have been really scary for you, to see your friend in so much pain and not be able to stop it."
Jay just nodded. "They took him in one chopper and me in another. Everyone else in the unit was dead, so they had another team picking up their bodies. I was in and out of consciousness at that point, which was nice because when I was awake, I was in the worst pain I've ever experienced. The medic told me I was lucky to be alive. He said the adrenaline was wearing off and that he could give me pain meds. But my arms were burned, and he couldn't find a vein to start an IV. So, he drilled something into my shin. I don't remember what he called it."
"It sounds like an IO line." Dr. Charles offered. "They go into the bone, which is a good option for getting medication to spread through the rest of the body when an IV isn't possible."
Jay nodded. "Yeah, that. It hurt way more than an IV though. And I don't mean going in. It hurt when he gave me the meds through it."
"Yeah, they are pretty uncomfortable. Usually, the patients who get them are already unconscious, but I'd imagine medicine is practiced a little differently in a battlefield than in a hospital."
They both chuckled. "Just a bit." Jay replied.
"So then what happened?" Dr. Charles asked, motioning for his patient to continue.
"Well then we got to base eventually, and the real torture began." Jay joked.
Dr. Charles just gave him a puzzled look. "Torture?"
"Well, I guess not torture exactly. They just had really crappy pain meds, and it took a couple days to arrange transportation out of the war zone and to the hospital in the UK."
My eyes opened, and the excruciating pain immediately ripped through my entire body. I heard voices of people telling me to breathe as they peeled away layers of my charred skin and coated it with some sort of cleaner that felt like pure alcohol on an open wound.
I shouted and cried out as I writhed on the cot that was serving as my hospital bed.
"Halstead, settle down. You need to breathe." A female medic said, positioning herself directly in front of my face so I couldn't ignore her.
I tried really hard to do what she was asking, then I'd once again feel the burn of raw nerves that were not meant to be exposed to the desert air - or any air for that matter.
"Ahhhhrgg!" I screamed when suddenly I heard a familiar voice beside me.
"Jay, hold my hand. You're gonna be okay, just hold my hand."
I felt a calloused hand grasp mine and squeeze it.
"Mouse?" I whispered.
"I'm right here with you, man. Breathe."
I closed my eyes and once again allowed the darkness to overtake me.
"You're okay, Jay. You're doing fine. Just breathe." I would hear. Even in the darkness I could see the faces of all my brothers that had just died. And here I was, about to be shipped home. How would I face their families and friends? How would I even face mine?
I felt tears somehow slide from my closed eyes as I stifled the sob threatening to escape my lips.
Then, someone lightly wiped them away before taking my hand.
Greg?
"Shhh, you're okay. You're safe. You're safe, baby. I got you."
That didn't sound like Greg. It did sound familiar though. I slowly opened my eyes and flinched as the bright hospital lights illuminated, nearly blinding me as I tried to make out the face sitting beside me.
"You're okay. Just breathe. The voice said again. "I'm right here, my sweet boy. Everything is going to be okay."
I blinked a few times until finally it was clear who this familiar voice belonged to.
"Mom?
"Mom?" Jay cried, reaching out to touch her face. But there was nothing there. "Mom!" He yelled.
"Jay?" Dr. Charles said, stepping forward to lay a hand on the young mans shoulder. "Jay, it's Dr. Charles. You're at Chicago Med. You're safe."
Jay just sat, staring into space, tears pouring down his cheeks.
"Jay? Can you hear me?" The doctor tried again.
Just then Jay's nurse walked in. "Is everything okay in here? I heard shouting."
Dr. Charles looked back and forth between her and his patient before responding. "Can you bring me 2 of Haldol?"
"Right away, doctor." She said, turning back towards the door.
"Oh, and Jamie" she stopped and turned back around. "Page Dr. Halstead."
Jamie nodded and left the room while the two men sat together, one completely checked out and crying for his mother who was not there, while the other sat quietly and waited for the flashback to pass.
Authors Note: Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays! I hope you guys are all enjoying this holiday season (even if you are having to do so in lockdown). I've been re-watching all of One Chicago lately and recently watched the episode mentioned here when Jay has the nightmare on the couch and goes undercover and meets Camilla and all that stuff. And at the end when Hank is at Med with the boy, I just kept thinking "Why didn't he mention to Will that he may want to check in on Jay?!" So, I wrote the scene that I imagine happened off camera, and I'll post it if anyone is interested in reading it. Let me know! Also, if there are any other episodes you want me to "fix" or add on to, I'm open to that as well!